Is this normal?

[AA1994]

Just a quick question really, I met someone in a bar at the weekend and we have been texting since. Conversation flows and she does seem to match my questions in terms of wanting to keep the conversation going. However she sometimes takes 4/5 hours to text back but be active on social media in-between these text messages. Is this categorically a lack of interest? Or do some people just work this way? We do verbally have a date planned. Just wondered other peoples opinions

[smackie9]

Everyone is different. Some people have other things they want to do besides texting some person they just met. It's best to keep things on the low down until the date. Saving your topics etc for the date will give you best results. 

[yogacat]

Before you hit her up about her slow texting skills, make sure to do some emotional prep. Staying optimistic can really up your dating game. Even if you’re feeling nervous, stressed, or self-conscious, do your best to be happy for the opportunity to connecting, especially if you’re enjoying her company thus far. Focus on the positives (your next date 🙂) and remember that everyone communicates differently.

Does she seem to actually engage in the conversation, or does she just throw one-word responses your way? (I mean, "k" is not exactly a sign of enthusiasm.) Keep an eye out for any hints that she might actually be into you. Does she ask questions, does she laugh at your jokes, or is she just going through the motions?

You've indicated yes, so I would focus on that more than on the actual amount of time she takes to respond. Some people just aren't constantly checking their phones, and that shouldn't necessarily be taken as disinterest.

Her being active on social media is because she has a life outside of you. It doesn't necessarily mean anything in regards to your potential relationship. Unless it's a pattern where she's constantly ignoring your messages or not making any effort to communicate, try not to fret.

[AA1994]

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Everyone is different. Some people have other things they want to do besides texting some person they just met. It's best to keep things on the low down until the date. Saving your topics etc for the date will give you best results. 

Yeah I guess thats right with regards to saving topics!

[AA1994]

9 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Before you hit her up about her slow texting skills, make sure to do some emotional prep. Staying optimistic can really up your dating game. Even if you’re feeling nervous, stressed, or self-concious, do your best to be happy for the opportunity to connecting, especially if you’re enjoying her company thus far. Focus on the positives (your next date 🙂) and remember that everyone communicates differently.

She may be taking her time to respond because she wants to give you a thoughtful message.

Does she seem to actually engage in the conversation, or does she just throw one-word responses your way? (I mean, "k" is not exactly a sign of enthusiasm.) Keep an eye out for any hints that she might actually be into you. Does she ask questions, does she laugh at your jokes, or is she just going through the motions? You've indicated yes, so I would focus on that more than on the actual amount of time she takes to respond. Some people just aren't constantly checking their phones, and that shouldn't necessarily be taken as disinterest.

Her being active on social media is because she has a life outside of you. It doesn't necessarily mean anything in regards to your potential relationship. Unless it's a pattern where she's constantly ignoring your messages or not making any effort to communicate, try not to fret.

Yeah I would never mention it to her. Yeah she does seem to engage in conversation and ask me questions and the texts are fairly long to be fair so I guess that's a positive. I don't really want to play games but am I best to refrain from instant replies?

[yogacat]

11 minutes ago, AA1994 said:

I don't really want to play games but am I best to refrain from instant replies?

No, I wouldn't purposely do that. Because, then you're purposely interferring with the natural flow of the conversation, and the organic connection you both have potentially. If you get a text from her and are excited, 100%, message her back. But if you're busy and trying to wait, or maybe she purposely waits for the strategic amount of time to pass before messaging you again, I can promise you she has a life too, and isn't sitting around silently. So it's not worth counting minutes in between texts.

The only time I would recommend scaling back is if your truly pouring all your energy and focus into it or if she simply really doesn't seem very interested. But it doesn't read like that. It reads like your building a connection. So I would just keep doing what you are already doing.

Plus, you want to save a lot of the good stuff for in person dates anyways. So no, I wouldn't play any games, just be patient. Shift your focus a bit and things will unfold naturally.

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, AA1994 said:

Is this categorically a lack of interest?

Not necessarily. She still answers the questions and is engaged in conversation. So there might be something there. 

Why dont you call her to talk? Or just ask for a date? And see if there could be something there.

[AA1994]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Not necessarily. She still answers the questions and is engaged in conversation. So there might be something there. 

Why dont you call her to talk? Or just ask for a date? And see if there could be something there.

We are supposed to be meeting this weekend for a coffee!

[Kwothe28]

Just now, AA1994 said:

We are supposed to be meeting this weekend for a coffee!

Great. Then dont analyze too much for now and see how the date will get going. 

[catfeeder]

It's not an indicator of anything. Some people don't like to be tethered to text convo's, and certainly not stalked on SM by someone they don't even know. Pipe down, and enjoy meeting up this weekend.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, AA1994 said:

We are supposed to be meeting this weekend for a coffee!

I'd limit any more texting to confirming the plan. Get to know her in person.

[Cherylyn]

I'm not good with relentless texting and neither are my local relatives and friends. 

Pump the brakes on texting,  give each other lots of space and focus on in person socializing. 

Use texting for date / time / location confirmations and save the rest of your communication for in person or ask if she would like occasional verbal phone chats? 

I know a lot of people myself included who prefer not to over do it with electronic communication.

[greendots]

My take on it:

Does she generally take time to reply to everyone's texts? If so, then I wouldn't worry.

I am not big on texting, but will reply quickly the more interested I am in a person. My experience has been that interested people will reply as quickly as possible, whenever that's possible of course.

However, I've also been not known to be glued to my phone and see that someone has rung me hours later... so take it as you will.

Having said that, actions speak louder than words. Always! As long as she is going on dates with you and things are progressing, then that is great!

[ShySoul]

Rather then people worrying about how long it takes people to respond, maybe they should focus on the fact that the person responds at all?

If she wasn't interested, she wouldn't respond. If she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have set an in person date. If she wasn't interested, she wouldn't keep the conversation going and it wouldn't flow. That she does all those things would indicate she is interested.

Don't overthink. Don't question too much. Just be in the moment and enjoy what is there. If you both have fun when you chat, that's what matters.

[MissCanuck]

People have become way too attached to their phones these days, and it sometimes leads us to think everyone else should be answering instantly too. 

But this is real life. People get busy. People have other things to attend to. Especially when you hardly know the person, you shouldn't really expect an ongoing conversation via messages. I think her response time is fine. 

Focus on your upcoming meet-up and get to know her offline. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Yes it’s normal and healthy. And if someone asked me why I was taking too long to respond and that they saw me active online, they’d be lucky to ever receive a response from me again. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Yes it’s normal and healthy. And if someone asked me why I was taking too long to respond and that they saw me active online, they’d be lucky to ever receive a response from me again. 

I've had friends asked me why I unsent a message (meaning random -it likely was for a typo or meant for someone else).  Why the focus? What I do sometimes if I've mentioned a "boundary" like I don't talk by phone at night, I silence my phone when I wind down to eat lunch - if the person calls or texts I will wait unless it's an emergency to respond at the times I'm comfortable with it with  the hopes that they "remember" I sign off earlier at night as I'd mentioned. I don't think it's playing games to delay if you've already told the other person when you're typically available and interested in talking or texting.  I do think waiting so as not to seem too eager likely is silly.  I sure did that at times with returning calls when I was dating - but I also never called back on a Friday or Saturday night to a hello call - it was none of that person's business what I did on weekend nights and pre cell phones then it was obvious  you were home.  That's just me and if it's a "game" so be it.

I gave my other input above.

[AA1994]

2 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Yes it’s normal and healthy. And if someone asked me why I was taking too long to respond and that they saw me active online, they’d be lucky to ever receive a response from me again. 

I would never go to them lengths its weird and creepy, I also do not stalk the activity as some weirdo above suggested, it just comes up on the newsfeed as im scrolling! I was just curious as to whether to gauge the amount of interest from such situations

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Yes it’s normal and healthy. And if someone asked me why I was taking too long to respond and that they saw me active online, they’d be lucky to ever receive a response from me again. 

Good to see ya NN and ^^ same for me!!

Dial the texting back OP.   By her waiting 4-5 hours to respond, she is sending you a covert message she's not into constant texting and she's hoping you catch on.

It's called 'mirroring' and imo and experience when two people are in sync with each other, it comes naturally.

And while you don't have to wait exactly 4-5 hours to respond, it's in your best interests to dial it back which means no do not always immediately text back even though you're excited and want to.  You risk turning her off if you do that..

It's not a "game," think of it more like a 'dance' and it should be fun!

Not filled with so much overthinking, angst and anxiety.

Best to be prudent; slow and steady is your friend here. 

Enjoy your date!

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And while you don't have to wait exactly 4-5 hours to respond, it's in your best interests to dial it back which means no do not always immediately text back even though you're excited and want to.  You risk turning her off if you do that..

If she gets turned off because he text back to her text promptly tells me that they are a mismatch.

Not texting back purposely can lead to a FALSE power struggle early in the relationship.

Isn't the whole point to scale through the fog to find the right partner? Not doing what you want because you fear it would turn off the other person reeks of insecurity. May be in the long run she is not the right fit for him but I personally wouldn't risk coming across as insincere and putting on facades in order to please the person you are with. Just my two cents.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

If she gets turned off because he text back to her text promptly tells me that they are a mismatch. 

I don't disagree with that!!

She prefers a slower pace (as do I and many people).

So yeah you're absolutely right!

If he insists on "doing what he wants" texting ad nausem under the guise of being confident and secure, they are not compatible and a mismatch.

No argument from me.

That said I also think being aware and having the ability to pick up on social cues from the other person is important.

Not doing so again under the guise of being confident and secure and 'doing what you want' seems a bit arrogant to me, jmo.

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

I wonder what the responses would be if it was the guy pacing his texts out and the girl was texting ad nauseum?  Which is what we usually read on these forums. 

Would the same advice apply?

Should SHE do what she wants and continue texting ad nauseum even though it's clear from his texting style, he prefers a slower pace?

Rhetorical question just something to consider. 

Be aware!  It's not about just "doing what YOU want."

That's is a recipe for disaster is most cases, imo

 

 

 

[yogacat]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't disagree with that!!

She prefers a slower pace (as do I and many people).

So yeah you're absolutely right!

If he insists on "doing what he wants" texting ad nausem under the guise of being confident and secure, they are not compatible and a mismatch.

No argument from me.

That said I also think being aware and having the ability to pick up on social cues from the orher person is important.

Not doing so again under the guise of being confident and secure and 'doing what you want'  seems a bit arrogant to me, jmo.

 

 

 

Right, but being aware is different than responding like a robot no matter what she does. 

Someone played this game for over a decade and been with many manipulative girls and now is married, this is all in his head. At the end of the day it never really made a difference if a girl was into him she would be into him regardless. This seem practice for his own ego. If it's coming from a real genuine place, sure go for it. 

It would be great if OP can avoid falling into the trap of basing his interest based on HER texting habits (or her brief delay in response time). I think there is a lot to be said for not coming across as too eager, desperate or overly invested during the early stages. Most of the time this is not a game but simply discretion. 

And, I totally get what you're saying about social cues, which I would say if OP texted her a couple times and she was not responding, then he should dial back by not texting her again. But in this case, they have a second date set, she seems quite interested, it's just that she takes a few hours to reply. 

I personally wouldn't see that as something to be too concerned about. As long as the quality of the conversation is good and she's showing enthusiasm through her replies, I wouldn't read too much into it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I personally wouldn't see that as something to be too concerned about. As long as the quality of the conversation is good and she's showing enthusiasm through her replies, I wouldn't read too much into it. 

Totally agree....

Which is another reason why it's best to stop 'text tethering' as @Wiseman2used to call it, and slow your role and enjoy and connect on the actual date!

 

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Totally agree....

Which is another reason why it's best to stop 'text tethering' as @Wiseman2used to call it, and slow your role and enjoy and connect on the actual date!

 

I really think it just always come down to, if the other person is interested, not much you can do to turn the other person off. 

It depends, but if I am into him, I like if he's a bit thirsting.

If I take 4-5 hours to reply then I'm usually in my zone doing stuff and I can still have a deep interest in him.

Unless of course, incompatibilities start showing up. What is often mistaken though as interest instead of getting a feel for each other Imo. Hopefully things will iron themselves out with OP and this lady.