Am I completely in the wrong? Pls any advice

[Emilyzos]

Hi, Sorry for the long post that’s about to happen but I’m quite desperate for some advice. I’m really sorry if this is the wrong forum section too, I’m new here!
My partner and I have been together 5 years, we’re engaged but he lives at his mothers and I live alone. We’re both 23. 

His mother and I have always been civil for the most part, but I have always gotten the impression she doesn’t like me simply from the way she talks down to me and talks about my family to my face etc. she has never really had any respect for me and has always sort of acted as though I’m taking her son away from her. We’ve been fine lately up until today. 

today, I snapped after years of biting my tongue to her nasty remarks, but stupidly this argument has probably cost me my entire relationship and was over something incredibly petty. I’d love to know outsider point of views just so I can understand this better and if there’s things that I can work on etc. 

So I bought some Spanish cleaning supplies they’re super strong and hard to get in the UK, I’m a clean freak so I was excited and got some during my visit so I can use back at my own flat. His mother walks in and sees them, asks what they are and I explain what they are and what they do etc. they’re just strong floor cleaners from what I’ve heard. She then starts going on about how they’re “probably not environmentally friendly then” and I just say “I suppose, but they do the job and they smell nice for the price” not thinking much of it, she then proceeds to continue lecturing me about the eco friendliness of my new floor cleaners and I crack a joke saying “well the worlds ending anyway so it’s all G” which i use humour like this all the time, so does my partner, we joke like this a lot. She then raises her voice at me and says “DO NOT SAY THAT WE DONT SAY STUFF LIKE THAT”. I take a step back bc I’m shocked she’s yelling at me like a child, it was completely out of no where aside from the lecturers which she always does but then I snap because SHES YELLING AT ME LIKE A NAUGHTY CHILD. OVER A SILLY JOKE. So I raise my voice back and say it’s not that deep, and that I can’t be arsed for that and not to speak to me that way. She then tells me “that’s triggering. You’re triggering me”. At that point I just tell her to leave me be because I don’t want to make things worse. I was running on pure adrenaline because for 5 years I’ve sat silent and allowed her to treat me like as if I don’t understand the remarks she makes, like the comments about my body, comments about my MOTHER, and just the overall awkward unwelcoming feeling she knowingly gives me, which she was aware of this because she brought it up to my partner and said “I’m making more effort with em bc ive realised the way your fathers parents treated me isn’t normal” . So she was aware she was treating me bad and this actually made me feel better bc I thought the remarks would stop. 

This was a build up, and to be honest I felt extremely proud and like a weight off my shoulders for finally speaking back because I wish I could go into detail about all the things she’s said that were so ***ing uncalled for but I would be here all day. 5 years worth of this. 

My partner didn’t stand up for me, which I expected and to some degree understand as it is his mother, I’ve seen how she is during things like this and somehow she always ends up the victim and everyone else is labelled either autistic or a narcissist if they disagree with her (I literally dk where she comes to that conclusion) but straight afterwards not even 10 minutes later they ate food together while I was crying upstairs and he came upstairs and said that he understands my point but I didn’t need to “raise my voice the way she did” . Aka he expected me to just sit there and let her yell at me like I have done for years. He also then started saying that for a while he’s been wondering if we can work because it annoys him when I rant, like if I rant about losing my phone or messy room bc I can overreact sometimes. I admit, I can overreact and be a bit emotional. But not once have I ever yelled or spoke to him badly. I would never ever do that. He also knows that I struggle with my hormones, so during certain points of the month I can be overly reactive. There’s nothing other than talking about it that I can do about this. so he suggested he doesn’t come back to mine with me like we planned before it all kicked off, he was staying behind to think about things aka us. It honestly confused me because we were fine and joking around all the way up until the situation with his mother. 

Partner and I are now possibly going our separate ways, there’s a lot more I can say about how she’s always tried to get us apart but It doesn’t change how things are now. we’re gonna have a chat on the phone tomorrow to see where his head is at bc obviously I don’t want to end anything, I love him and willing to work through whatever issue with his mother to make it work. She on the other hand refused to talk to me afterwards when I asked about talking it out.
The thing is, we’ve had an incredible relationship and he’s my best friend. To be engaged to him was the most amazing thing ever. We’ve gone through lockdowns apart but stayed together, through him moving away for uni, through personal struggles, everything. But a joke about the world ending and some Spanish cleaners is what is probably gonna break us. 

Part of me feels bad for not shutting up in the first place because it would’ve saved us this drama but another part of me understands that this would’ve continued if we stayed together and if I stayed quiet all the time. I love him, but everyone’s I’ve spoken to has told me that he shouldn’t have allowed her to disrespect me in the first place so that it would never have come to this but I don’t know if they’re just saying that because they know me. If that makes sense lol. 

 

Anyways thank you for reading and any advice will be so helpful, as you can imagine I’m heartbroken and confused and all over the place second guessing my entire life right now. 5 years is a long long time to throw away after all we’ve grown up together really. 

Thank you all xx 

[Coily]

That woman is psychotic.

She was trying to find a moral high horse to brow beat you with,  the cleaning supplies and her enviro-totalitarianism were just the tool she needed to have a go at you. Whenever I hear “DO NOT SAY THAT WE DONT SAY STUFF LIKE THAT”, I know that the person is a disingenuous bully who has to manufacture some level of false moral superiority.

You should be proud of yourself for standing against that utter loon.

As for your fiancé, that’s a harder call. You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him at your place. Far away from the insanity of his mother. Simply as whatever you two need to discuss needs to be free of her possibly manipulating him or very likely threatening him. She seems the type to threaten to kick him out if he doesn’t comply with her insanity.

I know I’m pretty harsh, and willing to vilify a woman I don’t know; but she sounds a heck of a lot like my late grandmother, the old nutter. She hated my mother and would pick little fights like that; and my father would try to calm the waters and not get involved. This went on until that old crone kicked the bucket, my parents are still married.

If you and your fiancé are serious about working things out, and having a life together; have that talk just the two of you away from prying ears. Come to some agreements about you keeping your distance from that lunatic; but don’t stop him from seeing her. Possibly help him find separate living arrangements.

Ultimately his mother is toxic, and viel, and will poison any relationship he’s in; but that’s not your place to say that. If things can’t be resolved, then celebrate that you never have to put up with that utter psychopath ever again.

[Capricorn3]

^ I second Coily's post above in its entirety.

[smackie9]

Don't marry a man that won't stand by your side and stand up for you. You marry him, you marry into his family that gives you grief. You had 5 years of this bs...it's time to move on from it. 

[Cherylyn]

Being a mother of sons and a daughter-in-law (DIL) myself,  I qualify to empathize with you wholeheartedly. 

I'm sorry for your anguish @Emilyzos

Many times,  dealing with a mother-in-law (MIL) or mother of your fiance is like walking on eggshells.  It's very dicey.  😒

Since a mother's bond with her son had been special for so long,  there is a tinge of jealousy when a young lady comes along and steals his heart.  A mother was the apple of her son's eye for so long that it's difficult to release her son and have her son pay attention to another lady other than her.  However,  I know it's part of growing up and becoming a man of his own.  It's a difficult adjustment though. 

When I was a newlywed,  I remember asking my local MIL if she missed her son when he left for college.  Her answer?  "No,  I didn't miss my son when he left for college.  I had a problem when he married YOU."  Wow.  Ouch!  😲 😠  Did I sass back?  No.  It took years of taking the high road and being the bigger person but I did it.  I gave her two adorable grandsons.  Over the years,  she has since mellowed and even though I've heard some zingers (insults) at random,  it has become less and there are times when she actually respects me as of late.  It wasn't easy to arrive at this point but because I kept the peace,  it has paid off. 

I do remember speaking up in the past and it was a huge mistake.  My husband confronted his mother,  MIL bawled 😭,  everyone sympathized with her,  she told me,  "You took it the wrong way,"  and I was perceived as the dramatic one.  Go figure.  Note there was never an apology offered in a million years.  I knew I was dealing with a narcissist.  You can't win.  I kept the peace all these years and it worked.  Narcissists are also experts at gaslighting.  😠

I took the passive aggressive route.  MIL had significantly decreased access to her son and grandsons.  Eventually,  she got the message loud and clear.  She forced herself to be nice to me otherwise we all did the disappearing act for months at a stretch.  She did not like it.  She learned to exercise self control and behave herself.  😉

It's typical for a MIL to act condescending towards you.  The problem is she knows she has power because she knows you're trying to be civil and bite your tongue while you capitulate.  However,  I don't always believe in remaining silent.  Retorts are good and effective.

I can see how your exchange with your MIL (soon to be MIL?) escalated out of control.  She instigated and provoked you.  Then when she began yelling at you,  that was very uncalled for.  I'm glad you spoke up and stood up to her.  Btw,  she gaslighted you by pinning the blame on you about you triggering her.  Deflection is gaslighting which is typical.  Never buy into it. 

Her disrespectful comments about your mother is infuriating.  I hear you.

Since your MIL knows what it feels like to be a DIL experiencing disrespect from a MIL,  obviously she understands this unfair dynamic.  Nonetheless,  she is still obnoxiously rude to you. 

I'm proud of you for speaking up.  Hopefully,  she'll back down and behave herself in the future. 

It is problematic that you don't have your partner's loyalty.  He prefers to play Switzerland aka neutral.  You partner is a wimp.  He's a coward because he's timid and refuses to have your back. 

Don't be gaslit into thinking this is your fault due to your preference for decluttering and cleaning your home life,  hormones and those types of excuses.  Don't allow anyone to deflect from the original subject. 

It's very telling that your partner refuses to defend you.  Think long and hard before you decide to marry him because this MIL problem will not go away.  If anything,  this situation will continue to fester.

If you insist upon marrying him anyway,  you'll most likely need to enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  Your partner can visit with his mother while you stay home or do something else.  Since MIL refuses to have a conversation with you,  you are the one who has to learn how to protect yourself from future mental abuse and harm.  If this means a division for your marriage or family  for every interaction,  then so be it.  If your partner refuses to have your back,  then you'll have to take Draconian measures yourself. 

This is not necessarily only about Spanish cleaners.  There's no telling what other explosions will occur about other topics in the future as long as you engage in a dialogue with her.  She's a tinderbox ready to blow up.

Don't feel bad about not shutting up in the first place.  You had met your boiling point.

Everyone whom you've spoken with is right.  Your partner should've defended you and cleared your name.  Not doing anything shows his cowardly behavior.  He is weak.  He's not the type of man to defend your honor.  This is exactly what you need to pay attention to before marrying him!  It can be something else in the future and he'll be a wimp and won't have your back.  Is this a real man to you?  You decide. 

Everyone isn't saying this just because they know you.  They're saying it because it's common sense.

It's actually better to be alarmed and know what type of man he really is.  If he's like this now,  he will still be a coward in the future and then you'll regret marrying him.  He'll constantly disappoint you.  He will not meet your expectations.  Either lower your expectations and lower your standards meaning this is all he is willing to offer or no deal.  Those are your choices. 

You can't change a man.  He is who he is.  A leopard cannot change its spots. 

 

 

 

[Vesna]

You think she’s interfering now? Just wait until you have children with this man. That’s when the REAL interfering begins. Believe me, I know…been there, done that.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry, but It's a matter of what you see, is what you get.  As he demonstrated, you're not number one on his list, therefore you can expect less if you choose to go forward, (imo).

Keep in mind that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, meaning more than likely he'll turn into his mother, so to speak.

You have some thinking to do, and I wish you the best.

[yogacat]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Hmmm.

I'm not certain this relationship has a leg to stand on regardless of this fight. You're not a good fit with his family, so you'd never be "married" into the family. He lets mom treat you poorly. Not saying that he has to put out all your fires and take your side 100% of the time. Just that he could get involved if it's stepped up and can tell his mom to stop...

No one can feel loved in such a situation: hearing that you don't really have their back, and they want no part of conflict resolution. 

There goes your romantic idea of days once you two move into a place together allowing his Mom to run the show on your domestic part of life that you might not discover until after she's THROWN you under the bus because you and she don't have the same taste. 🥹

[ShySoul]

On 8/6/2024 at 4:52 PM, Emilyzos said:

But a joke about the world ending and some Spanish cleaners is what is probably gonna break us. 

If this is the end, please don't take it that this is what caused things to fall apart. You lost your temper. It happens. But you were not in the wrong and not the cause of this. This is on his mother for needing to cause trouble due to her own insecurities and inability to stay civil. This is on him for not showing you enough love and respect to comfort you and work through things together. He is the one giving up, not you. You are trying to make things work. That's not me being nice, that's the truth.

If you do find a way to continue, may I suggest that you simply don't be around his mother? Have him go to you or meet in a neutral spot. 

Reality is the people we marry will not always get along with our family. Sometimes there can be very strained and uncomfortable relationships between them. My brother's ex-wife and our mother didn't get along at all and there was a huge fight while we were visiting once. After that they simply kept there distance. My brother would stay in touch with us, but separately from the wife. My best friend doesn't get along with her brother's wife. So their interactions are limited to once a year for Christmas, if that. Sometimes avoiding the people that set us off is the best strategy.

As for him, realize he is in the difficult spot between his mother and finance. But also stand up for yourself and be clear that you need him to be supportive of you and show you he cares and is willing to be there when you need him, even if that means going against his mother at times. If he won't, there are other guys who will.

[catfeeder]

What you see is what you get. Is this really the whole package you'd want to marry into for the rest of your life?

You're young enough to find better. Don't waste your best years on a family that is hostile toward you.