I'm so confused...

[Vesna]

I get the feeling this guy is married or is in a committed relationship…he’s definitely hiding something.

[Batya33]

Just now, Vesna said:

I get the feeling this guy is married or is in a committed relationship…he’s definitely hiding something.

Except not hiding the fact he's grooming her to go into "business" with him.  Sigh.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, Micaela said:

.... he tells me how perfect I am and beautiful and god gave us distance so he wouldn't self sabotage this relationship, because having someone to talk to is so important to him and it's so healthy for him to have human contact.

@Micaela I just read your initial post again and re ^^, specifically what's bolded, girl your bullshyt meter definitely needs some fine tuning! 

Lord have mercy!

Sorry.

 

 

 

[Micaela]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Many women feel this^ way, but in most (if not all) cases it's the opposite. 

He is mostly likely wondering why you choose this type of mediocre online interaction for yourself, why do you NOT have other options, in short why are you tolerating this nonsense?

As such, he will lose respect for you, as your behavior reflects you don't respect yourself OR love yourself otherwise you would have moved on from such silliness a long time ago.

And I say this as a woman who was once in your shoes myself, it was during a very low time in my life when in truth, I didn't have much respect for myself or love myself.

It's the exact opposite of what you're thinking -- that your patience, support and kindness will draw him closer and make him "love" you.  Especially since he knows perfectly well he's treating you like like yesterday's garbage.

I mean think about it, how is that working for ya?  Not very well from what I have read.

Move on OP, please.  Respect yourself and aim higher.

I'm sorry and all the best.

 

OMG, this. This hit me hard. WOW, how could I have been so stupid? So blind? I feel like such a fool. Why would he do this? Reel me in, even to say he was going to sweet talk me into giving him my phone number, which I did of course, stupid me. Only to use all of those traits against me and think me stupid for interacting with him, while he reaped the benefits. I literally feel sick inside. I guess none of this was real. Showed me only what he wanted to see or could fudge. I just ate it all up didn’t I? I knew things were off but I didn’t listen to my gut, didn’t want to. God I feel so stupid. 

[Micaela]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

What have you done to get rid of this trait?

Probably because he's not the man pictured in his profile. When things don't make sense, like refusing to do something as simple as a video chat, there's a logical reason. That the person isn't who he pretends to be. Perhaps he believes he's so unattractive to date pretty women like you, that flirting with them online is better than nothing. Or, he could be married or have a live in gf and he gets off by chatting with other women.

You're going to have to date smarter, or wind up lonely and as catfish fodder.

I did OLD for 2 and a half years. I did some things wrong and some things right. The main thing I did right is not to communicate with anyone long distance. Oh, they tried, even as I put in my limitations. And if they couldn't meet within 2 weeks, I'd move on. In case you didn't know, LDRs that start that way have a very high risk of failure. Too many cons to go into.

Make a must-have list and dealbreaker list and stick to it. 

You need to block and delete this guy. You can't bond with a new dating prospect when you're chatting with a man you've had romantic fantasies about. He's a huge waste of your time. And if you think he cares a lick about you, you're wrong. He knows you're wasting your time and he doesn't care. He only cares about the attention you're giving him. It's much easier to go cold turkey versus fading away. You know you will feel weak and give in the moment he throws you a breadcrumb. Have your own back. Wouldn't a good friend tell you this?

You are so right…he doesn’t care. Was getting what he wanted and now has had enough. Definitely went cold turkey. Not a peep out of him today. And yes if someone told me this story I’d say they are crazy and wasting their time. I would say at the end of the day, what do you have? A whole lot of nothing. 

[Capricorn3]

I know this is very obvious, but why not block and be done with it all?  Really is very easy to do. Block.  NC. Done.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Micaela said:

I literally feel sick inside. I guess none of this was real.  God I feel so stupid. 

^^ @Micaela, I know exactly how you feel.  I experienced a deception (of sorts) recently with a man I had been dating in real life and like you, felt literally sick to my stomach.    That feeling will pass I promise you!!   Sooner than you think.

Please don't feel like a fool, HE was the fool, NOT you.

Your mistake was trusting him.  Now you've learned to not trust until at least you've had a face-to-face conversation or ideally met in person.  And even then, you could be deceived; I was and I've been around the block a couple times and no novice to dating or relationships.

So that is the positive take-away from this - you have learned.  

Consider it a blessing in disguise - that blessing being now you can block him with a guilt free conscience and move on to a man who actually gives a **** (ideally local).

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 hours ago, Micaela said:

I matched with a guy on a dating app. He was in my area only for work. I live in NY, he lives in WI. He wanted to meet up with he was in my town but I figured it was a dead end so said as much as I'd like to, I don't think it's a good idea. He was disappointed but we ended up staying in touch. It's been 3 months now that we have been talking and texting. 

I just read your initial post again and re^^ the bolded, I am curious to know how did you end up staying in touch after you had made the VERY wise decision to not pursue it due to distance?

More lessons learned.  (1)  As @Andrinasaid, stay away from interacting with men long distance and (2) follow your initial instincts which in this case were spot on!

Not sure what happened and why you changed your mind and continued chatting, but next time, please don't!

Let us know when you block and delete, you WILL feel better once you do.

Hugs.

 

 

[Tinydance]

So how old are you and he? What are you looking for from a relationship? I've actually known cases where people began a relationship with someone from another state or another country and then one of them moved to the other person. It's not completely impossible but to me it just sounds like you and him aren't looking for the same things.

You said you're getting attached and you're hoping it can become something. So to me it sounds like you actually want a real relationship. Maybe you want something serious. I'm not sure how old he is but I think someone who chooses to constantly travel for work doesn't truly want a relationship. I'm not sure what he does for work but he could change jobs where he could stay in one place.

He probably gets lonely and bored because he's alone a lot on his work trips. Humans are social creatures and we also have biological needs like sex, etc. So he probably does enjoy having interactions with a woman and passing the time like that. But at the end of the day he doesn't even want to video call you. You've never actually "seen" him. Based on the fact that he's avoiding video calling you, I'd say he's either catfished you in some way, or doesn't take this seriously. Like, he's enjoying chatting to you but he can't be bothered to video call. Or he's messaging many women at the same time and it's just easier for him to stick to texting. 

He actually did tell you that considers you a friend. So potentially he has even friend zoned you because he enjoys your company on a platonic level. I know it upset you but he's allowed to update his dating profile and do whatever he wants really. He told you that you're just friends so you're not together. Also he doesn't have to spend all his time talking to you. Like, if he's bored in his hotel room, he doesn't have an obligation to talk to you. I think unfortunately you're probably feeling a lot more for him than he is for you.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Micaela said:

He keeps saying we should be business partners and business partners are closer than lovers because money is involved. 

Sounds like a catfish who's been grooming you to get you to trust him and fork over some money. That's why he wouldn't video chat--he's not the guy in the profile. 

[Micaela]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I just read your initial post again and re^^ the bolded, I am curious to know how did you end up staying in touch after you had made the VERY wise decision to not pursue it due to distance?

More lessons learned.  (1)  As @Andrinasaid, stay away from interacting with men long distance and (2) follow your initial instincts which in this case were spot on!

Not sure what happened and why you changed your mind and continued chatting, but next time, please don't!

Let us know when you block and delete, you WILL feel better once you do.

Hugs.

 

 

I guess I was charmed by him, the attention and flattery. And he was so different from other guys on the apps, he made conversation and genuinely seemed interested in me and getting to know me. And then of course the impossible situation with the distance makes it all the more enticing at times doesn’t it? Like we had this little private world and we had each other’s backs and we weren’t as lost in the world. We were each other’s anchor.

I knew when all this started this is how it was going to end, as I was doing it and engaging, I knew it would end in heartbreak for me. I told myself I could handle it and talk to him and other guys but I couldn’t. I was at a war with myself because I knew everything I was doing wasn’t right and this situation would never play out the way I hoped, but I was stupid. Riddled with anxiety and worry, I should have ended it months ago. I wasn’t strong enough. 

I haven’t blocked him, there doesn’t seem a need to be. Looking back and feeling that he’s making fun of me or laughing at me for being genuine with him and honestly wanting to be with him, is enough to keep me from reaching out. Maybe in his disappearance he thinks he’s being noble by making me hate him and sparing my feelings, or maybe he truly is disgusted by me because I was accepting whatever breadcrumbs/attention he gave and saw I didn’t value myself more than him. I don’t know which hurts more to be honest. I just have to accept it and put it past me.

[Micaela]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So how old are you and he? What are you looking for from a relationship? I've actually known cases where people began a relationship with someone from another state or another country and then one of them moved to the other person. It's not completely impossible but to me it just sounds like you and him aren't looking for the same things.

You said you're getting attached and you're hoping it can become something. So to me it sounds like you actually want a real relationship. Maybe you want something serious. I'm not sure how old he is but I think someone who chooses to constantly travel for work doesn't truly want a relationship. I'm not sure what he does for work but he could change jobs where he could stay in one place.

He probably gets lonely and bored because he's alone a lot on his work trips. Humans are social creatures and we also have biological needs like sex, etc. So he probably does enjoy having interactions with a woman and passing the time like that. But at the end of the day he doesn't even want to video call you. You've never actually "seen" him. Based on the fact that he's avoiding video calling you, I'd say he's either catfished you in some way, or doesn't take this seriously. Like, he's enjoying chatting to you but he can't be bothered to video call. Or he's messaging many women at the same time and it's just easier for him to stick to texting. 

He actually did tell you that considers you a friend. So potentially he has even friend zoned you because he enjoys your company on a platonic level. I know it upset you but he's allowed to update his dating profile and do whatever he wants really. He told you that you're just friends so you're not together. Also he doesn't have to spend all his time talking to you. Like, if he's bored in his hotel room, he doesn't have an obligation to talk to you. I think unfortunately you're probably feeling a lot more for him than he is for you.

He’s 40 and I’m 42. He stated he wanted a LTR as do I. He would allude to things and I guess now I don’t know what was sincere and what was b.s. That he wanted a traditional marriage and saw himself with kids and going to church with everyone. And then he would tell me he can’t put roots down and he goes stir crazy if he’s in one place too long. I guess he’s confused and truly is at a crossroad in his life. I interpreted this as I could help us confuse him and he would want to choose me and and we’d figure out where to put roots down. But when even as a friends, he wouldn’t video chat, it upset me. Again, being noble by not getting in deeper with me and sparing my feelings and maybe his own feelings, or hiding something. Too many conflicting things.

I am smart enough to know better but got lost on this one. Don’t like myself for letting this happen but like you all said, lesson learned. 

Thanks again for all the support. This forum has been life saving. 

[Batya33]

Please block him since there is a huge risk he's trying to scam  you financially and the more access he has  to you on the internet the more risk of this even with an inadvertent click by you or clicking on something he sends you -or has one of his cohorts/fellow scammers send you -you have no idea if you've been communicating with several people or if he's forwarded your info on.

I was betrayed by someone I met in person  twice around 7 years ago-a woman who was a member of a mom's FB group.  She scammed many women in the group out of $.  Turns out she'd served time in the past or similar for a similar white collar crime and she served time again and now apparently is a different person. I did not block her (she is no longer in the mom group) but I never gave her info in connection with the latest scam and being FB connected seems safe enough.  We'd been in personal touch for years prior to this happening.  I had no idea she had a criminal record and neither did the others till it was too late.  

Please don't beat yourself up.  You are probably lonely/feeling isolated and that makes you more vulnerable to this sort of thing.  When I was on online sites I reported two men to Eharmony and got their profiles removed.  One was dating two of my friends -two-timing and also may have still been married and the other had assaulted me in the past and was lying about his age(the lie is what I raised I think -Eharmony was strict about that thank goodness).

[MissCanuck]

You have no clue who you are talking to, OP. 

It could be another woman for all you know. Please cut this person off. 

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Micaela said:

I guess I was charmed by him, the attention and flattery.

This. Focus on this. That was your downfall.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Please block him since there is a huge risk he's trying to scam  you financially and the more access he has  to you on the internet the more risk of this even with an inadvertent click by you or clicking on something he sends you -or has one of his cohorts/fellow scammers send you -you have no idea if you've been communicating with several people or if he's forwarded your info on.

THIS ^^^

Love-bomb scammers work together. You may have not even been messaging with the same person the whole time. They cover one another in shifts to keep flattering and grooming people to fall in love with the persona they've created.

This has nothing to do with how smart you are, and it's no reflection on you. Block your phone and accounts. Don't continue messaging with anyone who won't meet you in person for a quick cup of coffee within a week or two.

[Micaela]

I feel blindsided, like I don't know how, whatever this was, is suddenly over? Did I manifest this because I always had that nagging feeling that this wasn't good but ignored it? And I ask myself if he reached out what would I do? What do I hope to gain? I don't think I could just fall back into the old pattern of getting that initial feeling of happiness followed by the anxiety of well how do I get him to do x,y and z, be it a call or a text or push the video call again. To what end was I pushing for? We shared things but, that doesn't equal a relationship. It doesn't make anything. I always knew, this was a dead end. It was that little 1% of hope that it could be something. We just talked Saturday night....what the hell happened? SMH. We talked all the time, for hours...how could he just turn it off so easily? I'm sitting here hurt and sad...he doesn't miss me or care at all?

I know I have all my answers but they are hard to accept. I honestly don't think he's any kind of scammer, I think he does have issues he could work on with therapy. Do I think he's a bad person? I don't know anymore. I never ever would have thought so but now I'm muddled than ever. No one of us has to be wrong, or bad, just not right for each other? Right? I want to make him a villain to make this easier for me but that's not fair. I also don't want to paint him as a martyr. Not sure what was real anymore.

Like I said, I'm muddled, and spiraling and just getting my thoughts out helps so much to work through this. 

[yogacat]

19 minutes ago, Micaela said:

Like I said, I'm muddled, and spiraling and just getting my thoughts out helps so much to work through this. 

I don't like to tell anyone how to feel and feel however you want/need to. Three months of messaging someone and not meeting and spiraling out from this is a lot.

What charm and flattery did he have to offer and to what degree that you are so invested with?

He's put absolutely nothing in for you but words. Wonder to what degree you cherished words and overlooked what he's not doing? Scammer or not, 100% genuine or not.

My focus would be on, to what gullibility extent do you, yourself, participate in being at best, at the other end of someone's 'fluffy' words?

[Micaela]

He posted on his Facebook page a quote that says "never plan a future with someone who doesn't have any plans on you"

He could reach out to me if he wanted to couldn't he? I shouldn't read anything into this right? Today would be 3 days no contact. I want to reach out.

[yogacat]

Well, whatever he meant by it, it worked. It got your attention.

[Kwothe28]

19 minutes ago, Micaela said:

He posted on his Facebook page a quote that says "never plan a future with someone who doesn't have any plans on you"

 

How do you know its about you? He didnt plan any future with you. 

Dont reach out. Most LDR is a fantasy. You believe there is something there because you spend good time messaging or hearing from each other. But see how its easy for them to just turn you off and cut you off like you dont exist? That is because its not a genuine connection. If it is he would at least have plans to see you. 

[Micaela]

23 hours ago, yogacat said:

I don't like to tell anyone how to feel and feel however you want/need to. Three months of messaging someone and not meeting and spiraling out from this is a lot.

What charm and flattery did he have to offer and to what degree that you are so invested with?

He's put absolutely nothing in for you but words. Wonder to what degree you cherished words and overlooked what he's not doing? Scammer or not, 100% genuine or not.

My focus would be on, to what gullibility extent do you, yourself, participate in being at best, at the other end of someone's 'fluffy' words?

To answer this...I don't know. Just having a connection with someone who genuinely seemed interested and seemed to get me. 

I know reaching out is wrong and I'll get all wrapped up again when I'm trying to detox from him so to speak. But I do care about him and his well being. 

[Micaela]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

How do you know its about you? He didnt plan any future with you. 

Dont reach out. Most LDR is a fantasy. You believe there is something there because you spend good time messaging or hearing from each other. But see how its easy for them to just turn you off and cut you off like you dont exist? That is because its not a genuine connection. If it is he would at least have plans to see you. 

You're right. He didn't plan anything with me. And the sad part is we didn't have a fight or disagreement. I just didn't respond further to his last comment. I wasn't angry in the message just more confused. He hadn't reached out at all that day and when I did I felt like I was bothering him. 

Just to cut it off like that, like it meant nothing. So if I wasn't initiating he's fine with it. He always would at some point in the day..but something changed during the weekend.

I'm tired of thinking about this. Just feel guilty like it's my fault we aren't talking..and now this post makes me feel like I gave up on him. 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

How do you know its about you?

Exactly!  Do you honestly believe you were the only person he was talking to?  

If so, get rid of that belief (mis-belief) immediately!

You were not, to him this wasn't "special" it was a game, the FB post was not to get your attention.

He might get a kick out of your reaction though because he enjoys drama, games and mind f*cks.

Get rid!!

This was an internet "interaction" that lasted three months which is the typical amount of time such interactions last (I've been there).

For some reason you have chosen to blow this up into monumental proportions, why?  I don't know. 

But girl, you need to pull yourself together because you spiraling like this is not healthy and an indication that something is not right within yourself and a wake up call to figure it out on your own and/or with the help of a good therapist.

Apologies if that was harsh but needed to be said, imho..

 

 

[Andrina]

Besides a career, what do you do in your leisure time? Do you have friends you get together with? Do you have hobbies/interests outside the home you share with others in the same hobby?

If not, IMO, that's the sort of fulfilling life you need to build before considering dating. 

If you're living a life of solely going to work and seeking solely online connections, you're prey for predators and time-wasters. Perhaps you falsely and subconsciously feel like this barrier of a computer instead of local, 3D connections with people is less scary for you emotionally. But really, it's scarier to be communicating with a total stranger you really know nothing about. He could've recently been in jail. He could be a con man who has of yet not been arrested. He could've stolen another person's photo off the Internet and is pretending to be that person.

I've never been in your position, but I did communicate with men a few weeks before meeting them in person when I did OLD. Because of their photos and pleasant communication beforehand, I had high hopes going into the first meet, but 95 percent of the time, a second meet didn't even happen, or maybe 2 or 3 dates in, everything fell apart. It's all fantasy until that first meet, and then even after that, of course it takes time for everything to be revealed. Sometimes that's a quick process, and sometimes it takes longer. On one first meet, I found the guy very attractive and we had a nice time at a diner with normal, interesting conversation. The next time we met up, I found him to be bat-crap crazy.

Stop the craziness. Block this guy and no longer seek out what he's doing on social media. Get to work on what I suggested, and then I suggest not even doing OLD because of your state of mind. Meetup.com groups, lessons in cooking, pottery, dancing, and/or volunteer work will get you out in the world and more into realistic situations for finding a decent partner. Take care.