I'm so confused...

[Micaela]

I matched with a guy on a dating app. He was in my area only for work. I live in NY, he lives in WI. He wanted to meet up with he was in my town but I figured it was a dead end so said as much as I'd like to, I don't think it's a good idea. He was disappointed but we ended up staying in touch. It's been 3 months now that we have been talking and texting. 

He travels for work 3 weeks out of the month, gets home on the weekends and has one week home a month. He doesn't have a place of his own, stays with his mom when he is home. Otherwise he lives out of a suitcase and a hotel room and airports. 

We have never had a video call. I asked if he was interested in having one and he said sure but never pursued it. I asked again another time while we were on the phone, saying we need to do that video chat so I can show you things instead of taking pictures (of my dogs, or something in the house or my garden etc). He said something to the effect of how messy his life is and he doesn't want to bring anyone into the mess. He has told me he considers me a friend and he has been at a crossroads in his life for so long and doesn't see a way out. He's stuck for whatever reason. Claims to be unhappy with his job but has been doing this job for 20 years. 

I always enjoy our talks and they are flirty at times, we send each other selfies and he tells me how perfect I am and beautiful and god gave us distance so he wouldn't self sabotage this relationship, because having someone to talk to is so important to him and it's so healthy for him to have human contact. He says he's very reserved and doesn't open up much to people.  Every so often I feel him getting distant or aloof but I also don't trust my own instincts anymore as I run anxious attached. I am getting more and more attached to him and trying to reign it in. Recently I feel like things have been strange. I feel like he is more distant and our conversations seems strange. I ask him what he is up to on Sunday around 5:00 PM because I hadn't heard from him all day and he tells me he's bored, moping around his hotel room. And yet he didn't want to reach out to me or call me. He'd rather do nothing in the hotel room than talk to me? And I see he is updating his profile, he added a picture of a dog but he doesn't have a dog (supposedly). But why put some random dog on your profile? Why tell me you don't want to bring anyone into your life but yet, you keep updating your profile? why even have a dating profile? I guess I'm starting to look back on things and wonder how much I really know about him. Last night he sent me a text that I felt was inappropriate...said something about Subway having footlong pretzels that look like d*ildos and how we need to gobble them up. I was taken aback and just said "fascinating" and wished him a good night. He sent me a frown face and said oh early night, ok well sleep well. I said well after talks of eating d*ldos there isn't much to say. He then sent me a "d'oh" gif and said something that just maybe that wasn't a great focus point and why did Subway do that? I didn't answer because I just honestly have no idea where he's coming from. And now today I don't know how to act. 

I feel like we would be so perfect together but on one hand he tells me he'll never move from WI, then tells me in the next breath that he applied for a job based in Ohio, and is looking at jobs in PA. So you would move for a job but not me? I don't know how to take any of this. I feel bad saying this isn't working for me but is it just my anxiety and anxious mind or is he leading a double life? I feel like a fool. I'm getting so wrapped up in him and I have no idea where his head is at. I can't really ask him because we aren't dating, we aren't anything, except online friends I guess. I guess I projected my hopes on him and that's my fault. But he also leads me on and makes me think he'll make changes for me. He keeps saying we should be business partners and business partners are closer than lovers because money is involved. 

I don't know how to act today, if he texts me or not. I always want to reach out but I stop myself and say what am I doing? I secretly want to hear from him but why? I know deep down this isn't good but can't help myself. I know if he doesn't reach out to me I'm going to be crushed and feel like I've done something wrong. I'm not enough for him to want anything further with? is he really being chivalrous and trying to make me dislike him so I will be turned off by him? He has told me he self sabotaged the last relationship he was in and made the girl hate him so she wouldn't feel bad. I wish I could hate him. I don't know why I've placed him on this pedestal. I feel like I have shared so much with him and been honest and authentic and vulnerable. And I don't know if he's been feeding me lines all along. 

I'm sorry this is so long winded but I needed to get it out and I don't have anyone else to talk to. I'm so confused and lost and don't know what to think anymore. I'm so tired of thinking about this. No relationship or friendship should be this hard. Am I making too much of things? 

[Massari]

1 hour ago, Micaela said:

He said something to the effect of how messy his life is and he doesn't want to bring anyone into the mess. He has told me he considers me a friend and he has been at a crossroads in his life for so long and doesn't see a way out. 

&

I'm sorry this is so long winded but I needed to get it out and I don't have anyone else to talk to. I'm so confused and lost and don't know what to think anymore. I'm so tired of thinking about this. No relationship or friendship should be this hard. Am I making too much of things? 

Welcome to ENA, 

From what you told us and the context you provided us, the following bolded above stood out for me. And you already have your answer embedded in what you told us. 

Someone saying their life is a mess bla bla bla is a gentle way of saying they are not romantically interested in you but wants to keep you as friend (knowing you guys matched on dating site, you could keep him as friend but why would you? you like him more then a friend and it will only hurt you more. 

Now the 2nd part! you are absolutely right, the mental and emotional investment that you put into this is draining, and it shouldn't be, it should both ways, why invest so much time and put yourself out there for someone who doesn't appreciate it or see it for what it meant to be?

I think you should slowly cut him out of your life and move on at this point. As a 40 year old male if I join a dating site i would NOT say to my match that my life is a mess! if my life is a mess I would not join a dating site! 

Hang in there, if you want to text him or message him, don't , post here and we are here for you. 

[Micaela]

Thank you for your response. I just question if I'm making too much out of this last interaction or analyzing him updating his profile too much. I overthink and overanalyze and I don't want to ruin this but when I look back at everything I wrote I guess deep down I know this will never amount to anything. What exactly is it that I'm ruining? We aren't going on dates, we aren't even video chatting. Even as a friend or business partner why wouldn't you want to video chat me? 

So why do I keep wanting to reach out and hope that I hear from him? Given everything, the circumstances, his behavior, the statements he has made. Why am I so drawn to him that I'm so scared of "losing" him? Even now, I want to text him and reassure myself that nothing has changed. But if this situation isn't serving me why am I doing it? Even if I moved to his state, he wouldn't be there 3 weeks out of the month. If he wasn't happy with his current job and situation wouldn't he be doing something about it? 

There's too many things that aren't adding up and am I looking for things and making trouble or is this really crazy? I want to ask him all these things but feel like I don't have the right, if that makes sense.

[Massari]

I honestly do not think you are doing anything that is causing this behavior from him, this is the nasty and the ugly truth in these dating apps. You mentioned you matched with him. So I am assuming it's a Tinder/Bumble platform type. 

The people who you meet on these sites are there for various reasons, seldom the intentions that they states in their profile is their true intentions. He could be talking to different women at the same time, people like to video chat sometimes to validate for themselves that yes they are attractive to other people especially to the opposite sex. Now I am not saying this is what he is doing but it could very well be. 

I have had girls messaging me, even video chatting, planning dates, calling me their knight or king, etc....  only to see suddenly being ghosted, or hearing that their life is a mess and I don't want to drag me into it... exactly the line he used on you! 

No one can tell you exactly why you are drawn to this man this much, sometimes the loneliness or lack of having a meaningful relationship make us draw conclusions and create this perfect image and the idea and scenarios with someone who is just talking to us on a daily basis with the possibly for being ghosted in any minutes. 

Don't try to analyze it, or find reasoning, because the reason could be 149 other things some of which are:

- He is talking to other girls on this dating app

- You are not the only girl in his life he is talking to

- You could be his backup if all else fails (which is another reason that you should slowly let him go and move on, why would you want to be someone's number 2?)

 

[yogacat]

When he passively declined your desire to video chat, he told you why:  "how messy his life is." that is a cue that he is not interested in moving the relationship forward. You keep asking questions and he keeps giving you vague answers.  

He can talk to you or not talk to you and he does both. It's maddening and keeping you emotionally invested in something that he is unwilling or incapable of reciprocating. Lower your expectations to just having a texting buddy.

Do not talk about the relationship. That means no more inquiring about video chats or expressing your feelings or even commenting on his commitment issues. You are ready to move forward and he is not. For your own sake, you should let this go, but if you insist on continuing with him, you need to let go of your expectations.

If you cannot lower your expectations, then you need to stop talking to him and move on. You are not a priority to him so stop making him a priority to you.

[DarkCh0c0]

You're just chat buddies. He's not serious about you.

2 hours ago, Micaela said:

We have never had a video call. I asked if he was interested in having one and he said sure but never pursued it. I asked again another time while we were on the phone, saying we need to do that video chat so I can show you things instead of taking pictures (of my dogs, or something in the house or my garden etc). He said something to the effect of how messy his life is and he doesn't want to bring anyone into the mess. He has told me he considers me a friend and he has been at a crossroads in his life for so long and doesn't see a way out

There's your answer.

 

2 hours ago, Micaela said:

feel like we would be so perfect together but on one hand he tells me he'll never move from WI, then tells me in the next breath that he applied for a job based in Ohio, and is looking at jobs in PA. So you would move for a job but not me?

For now, he is an internet stranger. You've never met and he could be indeed living a different life.

What's stopping you from severing contact and moving on? This case is dead.

There are other men who will give you the attention you crave. There are other men who would reciprocate the feelings. Why stay stuck like that? Is he hot?

[catfeeder]

39 minutes ago, Micaela said:

I overthink and overanalyze and I don't want to ruin this...

There's nothing to ruin but your own fantasies. You're living in your head, and you've found a way to keep doing that with this guy. You have all of NY to explore with dates who can actually be in your life, but you're busy focusing on a mess of a guy who has zero to offer you but an excuse for navel gazing.

If you're not getting results from the dating app you're using, try updating your profile, using more sites, and don't waste time messaging with anyone who won't meet you for a quick cup of coffee within a week or so.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

There's nothing to ruin but your own fantasies. You're living in your head, and you've found a way to keep doing that with this guy. You have all of NY to explore with dates who can actually be in your life, but you're busy focusing on a mess of a guy who has zero to offer you but an excuse for navel gazing.

If you're not getting results from the dating app you're using, try updating your profile, using more sites, and don't waste time messaging with anyone who won't meet you for a quick cup of coffee within a week or so.

This -and he is not leading you on -you are leading yourself on and it's not healthy/

[Micaela]

Thank you all for your comments.  I know this is definitely not healthy, all this ruminating and trying to decode everything. 

I can't understand why he would keep reaching out if he's really not interested in anything. I would think its too much work to keep this up if you have no intentions of anything going anywhere. Why play the games? Hurts me to think he's not what I thought he was. And best of all, he probably has no idea of the turmoil I am in. And he may not even contact me today which will make me spiral worse. I should be thankful that he stops contacting me but I guess I am going to be hurt no matter the outcome. 

Just don't understand what changed overnight. Maybe nothing has an I'm just in my head. I don't trust my gut or my instincts anymore which is also part of the problem. Just felt like we had were closer than I guess we really are. I'm very disappointed. 

[Micaela]

I don't want to have any regrets or say I didn't try with him. Or there was anything else I could do. Looking back at everything I wrote, I know he definitely doesn't have his life together and the writing is on the wall. But that doesn't make him a bad person, just bad for me...right?

How could this have been so one-sided? 

[Coily]

5 hours ago, Micaela said:

He keeps saying we should be business partners and business partners are closer than lovers because money is involved. 

HUGE red flag, this is a Bejing Military parade level of Red Flag.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

52 minutes ago, Micaela said:

But that doesn't make him a bad person, just bad for me...right?

Depends how you look at it. Maybe he isnt a bad person. But he isnt a person you should be considering to date. Somebody so busy that he doesnt even have a place to call home isnt a viable candidate to date. Because if he cant even settle at his home, how do you expect him to date you and settle with you later down the line? Do yourself a favor and dont entertain this. Just focus on somebody else who is actually going to date you. This one isnt it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Micaela said:

So why do I keep wanting to reach out and hope that I hear from him? Given everything, the circumstances, his behavior, the statements he has made. Why am I so drawn to him that I'm so scared of "losing" him?

^^My take on this is you are drawn to him (i.e. the "idea" of him, the "fantasy" of him) and what this situationship might become because THAT is safer (emotionally) than you actually putting yourself out there emotionally and physically and having a REAL life relationship with a real human being versus a fantasy figure you interact with over the internet who won't even so much as engage in a video call with you let alone actually meet you.

This requires you to be vulnerable and risking the possibility of getting hurt.  It also requires you to be "present" which requires effort versus sitting back and dreaming/fantasizing about an "ideal" and essentially doing NOTHING (except dreaming and hoping).

You are afraid of "losing" him because then you would have nothing to DREAM about!!  The fantasy would die and thus your life would become dreary and boring.

So you cling to this dream because dreams/fantasies awaken our otherwise dreary and lonely existence without the risk of being present, being vulnerable and getting hurt.

You have the entire state of New York within which to meet men, date men and again be present.  IF you were truly interested in that versus this "dream" and fantasy you cling to, you would be doing just that.

Just something to consider.  IOW, look within.  It's where most answers to the questions we ask ourselves (and others) can be found.

JMO

 

 

 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Micaela said:

I don't want to have any regrets or say I didn't try with him. Or there was anything else I could do.

And now you can say you don't have any regrets, because you did try.

When it starts feeling puzzling, it probably is and you should consider dropping it then, rather than trying to talk it to death and trying to pick the other person's brain.

And not for nothing, but you need to think of yourself as the catch. You are not going to catch the bullet that bends your way, defenselessly. Look for someone who reciprocates your interest.

He said you are perfect, took selfies, shared pics. He has some interest, but you have not stirred him to much action. He gave you a bunch of flowery words that he may (or may not have) meant in the moment. When you pressed him for video and he got away from that without making definitive plans, you should have let him go. Until you meet up and spend time together, you have no relationship. That rule is for everyone. It drops the expectations low so they are realistic. It keeps hopes low and reachable, so you don't overdo.

He is still on the dating site. He has worked there for 20 years and may well work another 20 years. He may well go to Ohio, NW, Al or Zp from WI. But you are certain you're in NY.

And this is your chance to find someone who wants to be close to where you live, and makes plans and doesn't drag his heals when he knows how he feels inside. But this one doesn't. Because business as usual.

[Batya33]

He is also most likely trying to scam you with the business comments. Time to block IMO

[Micaela]

You are all right and the head knows it but the emotional side of me can’t catch up. At the end of the day I keep saying to myself, even if we lived in the same state, he wouldn’t be there most of the time. He’s a nomad by choice and doesn’t seem inclined to change that. He has grand fantasy plans. You know he asked me on Sunday if i would want to take a week off and fly down to where he is and spend the week with him. I’ve made my feelings for him clear previously so I think he knows where I stand and what I’m looking for. But I said absolutely, what would we do? And all he answered was trouble, all kinds of exploring. The answer left me feeling flat. I know I can’t control how or what or when he responds but recently it just feels like he’s deliberately pushing me away. He also told me he looked up the happiest city to live in and it was Maryland City. He had changed his profile to travel mode and was showing it as Maryland City. So he’s looking to see what kind of woman are in the city? At least that’s how I took that. 

I have to be strong and not text him or reach out to him. I have to let this start fading. If he hasn’t already. Maybe he is doing me a favor. If everyone could remind of me that I’d appreciate it. I’m feeling very weak right now. This is the first step that i have to take. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Micaela said:

Just felt like we had were closer than I guess we really are. I'm very disappointed. 

You were always chat buddies.

He might have got bored/moved on to another chat buddy. He definitely did NOT see you as more than that and he explicitly told you that you're nothing more than a friend, albeit an e-friend at his convenience.

A man who is interested in seeing you will do so ASAP and will take the initiative to ask you out so that you're not taken by someone else. That's what true interest is like. But he's not it.

5 hours ago, Micaela said:

Even as a friend or business partner why wouldn't you want to video chat me?

Because he's bluffing. Talk is free and cheap. He can say whatever he wants to sound attractive or get interest.

Girl, you didn't ruin anything. Get it together and block him. Find men who will take you out and want you more. Staying with this absent guy is self-sabotage.

[DarkCh0c0]

12 minutes ago, Micaela said:

He also told me he looked up the happiest city to live in and it was Maryland City. He had changed his profile to travel mode and was showing it as Maryland City. So he’s looking to see what kind of woman are in the city?

Yep. You know it. Nomad f* boy.

13 minutes ago, Micaela said:

You know he asked me on Sunday if i would want to take a week off and fly down to where he is and spend the week with him. I’ve made my feelings for him clear previously so I think he knows where I stand and what I’m looking for. But I said absolutely, what would we do? And all he answered was trouble, all kinds of exploring. The answer left me feeling flat

Ofc it left you flat. He just wants to bang and chill... And you'd deliver yourself for free at his doorstep for him to do that. This freaking stranger. Yikes.

He is not serious about you at all.

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, Micaela said:

I have to be strong and not text him or reach out to him. I have to let this start fading. If he hasn’t already. Maybe he is doing me a favor. If everyone could remind of me that I’d appreciate it. I’m feeling very weak right now. This is the first step that i have to take. 

^^As I said in my previous, I think you would be better served by looking within and determining why you are so enthralled with and intrigued by this person.  You have never even had a video call for heaven's sake.

As mentioned previously, you have the entire state of New York to meet and date men.  But yet you choose this enigma who lives almost 1,000 miles away who refuses to have a video call, insinuates he wants you to fly to his but never follows through and is otherwise unavailable to you.

Do you have a fear of intimacy, of closeness, of relationships, of commitment?   

Like attracts like.  IOW, unavailable people choose unavailable people.

I am not even judging you because there was a time when I was fearful of intimacy and relationships, it was after a long term ex and I broke up.

So I had on line interactions, fell hard for the fantasy, the dream until I was emotionally ready to get back out there again in the REAL WORLD.

Again something to consider.

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Micaela said:

I can't understand why he would keep reaching out if he's really not interested in anything. I would think its too much work to keep this up if you have no intentions of anything going anywhere.

Why would he want to pay for online therapy when he can talk to a kind person for free?

This doesn't make him a villain, it just means that he has nothing to offer you beyond shared loneliness that won't amount to anything more. Whatever you're doing to your own head about him is what some people do when corresponding with prison inmates. They get a desire met by having someone tell them that they're special, but it's up to you to question whether that's enough for you.

With thousands of men available to meet in your area, why are you hanging yourself up on someone you'll never meet?

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Micaela said:

I don't want to have any regrets or say I didn't try with him. Or there was anything else I could do. Looking back at everything I wrote, I know he definitely doesn't have his life together and the writing is on the wall. But that doesn't make him a bad person, just bad for me...right?

How could this have been so one-sided? 

What, exactly, is your goal here? Do you want to pretzel yourself to cater to an anonymous stranger who, admittedly, has zero to offer you, and if so, WHY?

The one-sided thing happens when two strangers build a fantasy that they both feed together. Then one or both suffers dis-illusion-ment. This causes the other's illusion to pop, too.

So now it's time to back up and figure out, what, exactly, you expected this outcome to be, because it was never going anywhere. Question yourself. Instead of focusing on him and his issues, focus on yourself and decide what, exactly, you are trying to keep going.

[Micaela]

I guess I wanted this to go somewhere and become something. And if I held on long enough and showed how great I am and how supportive and caring..he would see it and we'd figure it out. Little by little. If I let enough things go and overlook things, it would work out. When he told me what man wouldn't want to build a brick castle for a woman like me..I believed it would be him. Just felt so bonded, what a farce.

Today so far is the first day we haven't talked or texted in 3 months. 

 

Thank you for all your insight and support and tough love. I can't say it enough and I'm taking it all to heart. I'm sure I'll continue to need the support and guidance in the coming days. Please have patience with me. 

 

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, Micaela said:

I also don't trust my own instincts anymore as I run anxious attached.

What have you done to get rid of this trait?

8 hours ago, Micaela said:

he added a picture of a dog but he doesn't have a dog (supposedly). But why put some random dog on your profile?

Probably because he's not the man pictured in his profile. When things don't make sense, like refusing to do something as simple as a video chat, there's a logical reason. That the person isn't who he pretends to be. Perhaps he believes he's so unattractive to date pretty women like you, that flirting with them online is better than nothing. Or, he could be married or have a live in gf and he gets off by chatting with other women.

You're going to have to date smarter, or wind up lonely and as catfish fodder.

I did OLD for 2 and a half years. I did some things wrong and some things right. The main thing I did right is not to communicate with anyone long distance. Oh, they tried, even as I put in my limitations. And if they couldn't meet within 2 weeks, I'd move on. In case you didn't know, LDRs that start that way have a very high risk of failure. Too many cons to go into.

Make a must-have list and dealbreaker list and stick to it. 

You need to block and delete this guy. You can't bond with a new dating prospect when you're chatting with a man you've had romantic fantasies about. He's a huge waste of your time. And if you think he cares a lick about you, you're wrong. He knows you're wasting your time and he doesn't care. He only cares about the attention you're giving him. It's much easier to go cold turkey versus fading away. You know you will feel weak and give in the moment he throws you a breadcrumb. Have your own back. Wouldn't a good friend tell you this?

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Micaela said:

I guess I wanted this to go somewhere and become something. And if I held on long enough and showed how great I am and how supportive and caring..he would see it and we'd figure it out.

Many women feel this^ way, but in most (if not all) cases it's the opposite. 

He is mostly likely wondering why you choose this type of mediocre online interaction for yourself, why do you NOT have other options, in short why are you tolerating this nonsense?

As such, he will lose respect for you, as your behavior reflects you don't respect yourself OR love yourself otherwise you would have moved on from such silliness a long time ago.

And I say this as a woman who was once in your shoes myself, it was during a very low time in my life when in truth, I didn't have much respect for myself or love myself.

It's the exact opposite of what you're thinking -- that your patience, support and kindness will draw him closer and make him "love" you.  Especially since he knows perfectly well he's treating you like like yesterday's garbage.

I mean think about it, how is that working for ya?  Not very well from what I have read.

Move on OP, please.  Respect yourself and aim higher.

I'm sorry and all the best.

 

[Batya33]

You have no idea if he is a nomad or not-a-man or married or a 15 year old boy.  

Here is how meeting someone on a dating site becomes something -at least can become something - exchange a few messages, have a phone call for safety and to see if it would be pleasant to meet for coffee or a walk in a public place and then meet in person ASAP.  I met over 100 men in person through dating sites and communicated with hundreds.  This man is not who he says he is much less who he says he is with respect to you.  I'd block him as he seems unsafe and unstable.

Several of my friends and acquaintances and people I know of met their partners through online sites  - now they have kids, long term marriages or long term relationships.  Talking before meeting is not dating and neither are first meets.  Use the sites for one way of many to meet people - but meet in person ASAP after a safety screen.  IMO.  Good luck!