Please help me understand his text

[TanyaJo]

We meet once a week for drinks and almost never for dinner. I've seen him active on dating apps after two months of going out together. This is the text I sent him with some Pre and post content to make it lighter... 

I really like you and would like to be in a proper relationship; hence, I make an effort to commute and spend time with you every weekend. I feel we have a great time together; we laugh a lot and more 💕 . I want that to continue doing that weekly 💫 or even meet for a drink on a weekday evening if possible and then go back to respective homes (without going to each other's house)  

I want to be clear that I don't do casual relationships or situationships, i.e., any relationship that is undefined - at least beyond a certain point.  

I really like you and would like to be in a proper relationship; hence, I make an effort to commute and spend time with you every weekend. I feel we have a great time together; we laugh a lot and more 💕 . I want that to continue doing that weekly 💫 or even meet for a drink on a weekday evening if possible and then go back to respective homes (without going to each other's house)  

I want to be clear that I don't do casual relationships or situationships, i.e., any relationship that is undefined - at least beyond a certain point.   I strongly want something that will lead to more meaningful connection in the future and I'm keen on having a family in a couple of years.

 

His reply below....... 

Hey,
Firstly, much respect for sending this message and your honesty.
I agree we always have a brilliant time. 
Truthfully though, from my side, right now I don’t think I can offer more than the way it currently works so, given that you know what you want and when you want it, I think that you should probably pursue that. 
I like you a lot and wouldn’t want to stand in your way of you going for what you want. You deserve it xx

 

[yogacat]

That was such a refreshing and honest exchange. He is telling you that he is not ready for a relationship and that he doesn't want to hold you back from finding someone who can give you what you want. Would it have been nicer if he had drawn the conclusion sooner and mentioned it earlier? Of course. But at least he is not wasting your time and letting you know where he stands. 

So now it's up to you, you mentioned you want a family in a couple of years? Do you want to find someone who is ready for a commitment and the potential for a future together? If so, it's probably best to move on and keep searching. But if you enjoy spending time with this person and are open to a more casual association, then continue to see him but keep your options open for someone who is more in alignment with your long-term goals and don't do so on the assumption or belief that he is going to change his mind down the road.

There's no wrong answer here, it's just a matter of what you want and need in your life right now. 

[catfeeder]

It sounds as though you've never covered the topic of what you're looking for in dating. If you're relationship material, it would be wise to put that in your profile and raise the subject the first time you meet. Then ask whether your date views himself the same way. Anything short of a clear yes is a no, so it makes no sense to date someone who doesn't align with your goal of finding the kind of relationship you're seeking.

Use your first meet to screen people in or out your dating pool rather than wasting two months of your valuable time on someone only to raise the subject then.

This guy isn't interested in the kind of relationship you want, and he probably could have told you this up front if you'd asked. I wouldn't settle for 'casual' with the belief that the guy can be converted into wanting a relationship, it doesn't work that way.

Head high, and move forward to find someone who also wants what you want. Allow all others to pass early.

 

[TanyaJo]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

It sounds as though you've never covered the topic of what you're looking for in dating. If you're relationship material, it would be wise to put that in your profile and raise the subject the first time you meet. Then ask whether your date views himself the same way. Anything short of a clear yes is a no, so it makes no sense to date someone who doesn't align with your goal of finding the kind of relationship you're seeking.

Use your first meet to screen people in or out your dating pool rather than wasting two months of your valuable time on someone only to raise the subject then.

This guy isn't interested in the kind of relationship you want, and he probably could have told you this up front if you'd asked. I wouldn't settle for 'casual' with the belief that the guy can be converted into wanting a relationship, it doesn't work that way.

Head high, and move forward to find someone who also wants what you want. Allow all others to pass early.

 

Thank you. I met him in person via a friend not on apps. I did mention all the above to him on the first meeting and his reply was "I'm the same" 🙄

[Kwothe28]

48 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

I did mention all the above to him on the first meeting and his reply was "I'm the same" 🙄

Here is the hint, people lie on dates to get what they want. "You want to get married? Ofcourse I want the same". That is why you should watch how he behaves rather than what he says. For example, if you didnt send the message, he was willing to just date you without any obligations. And be on dating apps and date all those other women as well. Which, by his answer, means that he either lied when he said he is interested in a relationship, or just doesnt see you in that way. Either way, there is nothing for you there. Block him and move on. 

[yogacat]

28 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Here is the hint, people lie on dates to get what they want. "You want to get married? Ofcourse I want the same". That is why you should watch how he behaves rather than what he says. For example, if you didnt send the message, he was willing to just date you without any obligations. And be on dating apps and date all those other women as well. Which, by his answer, means that he either lied when he said he is interested in a relationship, or just doesnt see you in that way. Either way, there is nothing for you there. Block him and move on. 

That doesn't necessarily mean he lied. He could be interested in having a long-term relationship with the right woman when she asked what his dating goals are on the first date, but how is he supposed to know after one date if she would be someone he could picture having a serious relationship with? He wouldn't know that about anyone after one date. For that matter, she still may not feel like she knows that about him after all these weeks.

I'm not saying this guy couldn't have been more forthcoming after two months of dating, that, she isn't what he wanted long-term, so it's good to be able to recognize the signs as you get to know someone that it's just not going where you want it to go, but to say he lied because he didn't know after one date that this was going to go the distance is just splitting hairs. A lot of dating is about getting to know someone and seeing where it goes. 

She said he was still going on dating apps, which means he's either "looking around" or didn't feel like they were exclusive enough yet that he should take his profiles down yet. If she says her feelings are at the point where she's ready to decide she wants more, and he still isn't sure after 2 months, then that's all she needs to know. And that's fine. It's good that she initiated the talk. 

[Kwothe28]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

That doesn't necessarily mean he lied. He could be interested in having a long-term relationship with the right woman when she asked what his dating goals are on the first date, but how is he supposed to know after one date if she would be someone he could picture having a serious relationship with?

Theyve been dating for 2 months. In 2 months they date once a week. That is at least 8 dates. In 8 dates he should at least know if he wants to move on or not. He clearly doesnt want to move on. Which, as Ive said, means that he either doesnt like OP in that way and that he just wants one thing, or that he just outright lied when he said he meaans serious. In either case, OP is better without him.

[TanyaJo]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Theyve been dating for 2 months. In 2 months they date once a week. That is at least 8 dates. In 8 dates he should at least know if he wants to move on or not. He clearly doesnt want to move on. Which, as Ive said, means that he either doesnt like OP in that way and that he just wants one thing, or that he just outright lied when he said he meaans serious. In either case, OP is better without him.

Why are you so negative about me and him? What does "doesn't like mean"? Seems like you take joy in this 😂

2 months might be less for someone to go exclusive. Some take 6 months and it is upto me to decide if I want to put up with it or clarify and move on quickly - which is what I did. 

[yogacat]

24 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Theyve been dating for 2 months. In 2 months they date once a week. That is at least 8 dates. In 8 dates he should at least know if he wants to move on or not. He clearly doesnt want to move on. Which, as Ive said, means that he either doesnt like OP in that way and that he just wants one thing, or that he just outright lied when he said he meaans serious. In either case, OP is better without him.

During their initial meet and greet, when she asked him what his dating goals are, he may have genuinely had a desire to find a long-term relationship, but not knowing that OP may or may not be his ideal partner at that specific point in time. If he says on the first date, I'm not looking for ANY relationship, she knows then to walk.

There is no time limit on how long it should take to figure it out, though I will admit after 8 dates, I think it should start to sort itself out one way or the other.

But saying he "lied" is assuming he knew on the first date that she wasn't "the one" but just decided to waste her time for eight weeks.

This is why I suggest that young women who want relationships need to see men's entire range of behavior on the first few dates. They don't commit after one date! They give themselves a couple of weeks to evaluate a man's behavior in a different situational context each time to gauge whether he is rapport building, highly interested really, or not. Typically women already know what they need to know by the first few dates if she pays close enough attention AND she sees enough.

At that time, she should also be busy having fun and evaluating him! I think OP finally caught on with the casual drinks once a week and no dinner dates. He had no intent to take her more to establish her as GF.

OP, it's only about your 'process' to establish how willingly a man behaves to invest his time and attention in you.

This guy didn't invest. You caught on! And agree, you're better off without him!

[Kwothe28]

17 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

Why are you so negative about me and him? What does "doesn't like mean"? Seems like you take joy in this 😂

 

Why would I take a joy in any of this? I am not a psychopath. You asked the question and I gave you the answer. Maybe you dont like the answer and that is fine.

Sadly, most of OPs, belong to two groups

a) men who cant get dates

b) women who do get dates but get stuck on players

You seem like option B. When I say "doesnt like you", I mean "doesnt think of you as an option for relationship". Whether its because he is a player and doesnt want one or just doesnt want you for a relationship and maybe wants somebody else for that purposes. 

Is sex involved? Meaning do you have sex with this man? 

17 minutes ago, yogacat said:

There is no time limit on how long it should take to figure it out, though I will admit after 8 dates, I think it should start to sort itself out one way or the other.

 

Exactly. He should know if she is "wife material" after 2 months and 8+ dates. If she didnt initiate the talk, he would just continue this. Indefinitely until he gets bored. Even though he said he is looking for a relationship. People dont need 6 months to be "exclusive". As we said to you on your thread, many people know right away if they want a relationship with you or not. Sorry that you and OP think men need eternity to decide on stuff like that. If he didnt decided after 2 months, chances are you arent "wife material". Which proved to be truth in this case. 

[Batya33]

He was very clear and transparent.  He doesn't see you as someone for a long term relationship and that includes not seeing you as the future mom of his kids. He's buttering it up with the sweet talk about what you deserve etc as if he knows you that well in 8 dates lol.  

To you "meaningful connection" means a connection that has the meaning of both people seeing a future together potentially including family.  He doesn't have that meaning of the way you two interact and he's telling you early enough on he likely never will.  

[MissCanuck]

His text means thatt he doesn't see himself in a relationship with you. 

Now that you know there is no future between you two, I would stop communicating with him. 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, TanyaJo said:

Thank you. I met him in person via a friend not on apps. I did mention all the above to him on the first meeting and his reply was "I'm the same" 🙄

You certainly did your best to let him know where you stand up front, so your request was aligned with that. I'm sorry that he won't give you what you want and deserve.