The older I get the more invisible I become . Why?

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Yeah

..I kind of do. I guess that's sad and pathetic. Once in awhile? Like when we first met he would find the coolest things to give me. Now he hasn't a clue (like I said firm birthdays or Christmas). 

But. People change - certainly if in general he is indifferent and checked out that's one thing but I'm just not relating personally to the focus on gifts -really am trying to see from your perspective.  I am a coffee drinker.  Husband is not.  Sometimes I splurge on more expensive ground coffee I make at home and it would never -ever -occur to me to want my husband to buy it for me or buy it because I said I saw it on an amazon prime deal (yes I'm cheap with myself lol)  - I just -buy it.

He bought me lots of fancy jewelry back in the day pre-kids - but I stopped wearing most jewelry except my engagement and wedding band because it made no sense to wear earrings or a bracelet my baby could pull on/break (or my pearls etc -which by the way I bought for myself many years ago).  He gets me my favorite chocolate that's only available in a city he visits twice a year so I know he buys several bars and gives me one at a time for various occasions.  Each bar is likely around $4-5 if that.  And I know he buys several so he doesn't have to think of something else.  OK that's -awesome with me.  I love it. 

I'm sorry you had a challenging childhood.  Please don't project onto him as if he should make up for it by buying you stuff.

[Capricorn3]

OP, I note that you had an identical thread about being invisible in 2022 - two years ago. Together 7 years.   Now you're together 9 years and as you can see, nothing has changed.  I can't get my head around WHY you insist on staying in such a dead "relationship"?  Who do this to yourself?  It seems you two are just comfortable with the miserable situation and being stuck in a rut.  What do you get out of it?  (Trying to understand).  I think the fact that you had an identical thread about the same subject and still together two years later and nothing's changed ..... that's on you.  You have choices and it's clear you choose to stay in this miserable situation.  Ask yourself WHY? Be honest with yourself.

[Willowgirl55]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

But. People change - certainly if in general he is indifferent and checked out that's one thing but I'm just not relating personally to the focus on gifts -really am trying to see from your perspective.  I am a coffee drinker.  Husband is not.  Sometimes I splurge on more expensive ground coffee I make at home and it would never -ever -occur to me to want my husband to buy it for me or buy it because I said I saw it on an amazon prime deal (yes I'm cheap with myself lol)  - I just -buy it.

He bought me lots of fancy jewelry back in the day pre-kids - but I stopped wearing most jewelry except my engagement and wedding band because it made no sense to wear earrings or a bracelet my baby could pull on/break (or my pearls etc -which by the way I bought for myself many years ago).  He gets me my favorite chocolate that's only available in a city he visits twice a year so I know he buys several bars and gives me one at a time for various occasions.  Each bar is likely around $4-5 if that.  And I know he buys several so he doesn't have to think of something else.  OK that's -awesome with me.  I love it. 

I'm sorry you had a challenging childhood.  Please don't project onto him as if he should make up for it by buying you stuff.

Ok. So I guess I should be ok with him gifting his DIL and not bothering with me. The point is he doesn't make any effort with me. And I notice it. I don't think I'm projecting. So I'm wrong here. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Ok. So I guess I should be ok with him gifting his DIL and not bothering with me. The point is he doesn't make any effort with me. And I notice it. I don't think I'm projecting. So I'm wrong here. 

@Willowgirl55what do you think about @Capricorn3's comments. 

You seem to be focusing a lot on getting material gifts from your partner. Bigger picture is that he is not attentive and that you don't feel like he is interested in you. Is that fair to say? 

So, NEXT! Because once you become focused on someone else's perceived flaws, it's not worth wasting more time. I suspect the things you are missing were kindled/fresh and all of that has faded. It happens. So. let go and suggest you both move on. Otherwise, this will always be an issue. Mostly because as a couple, you need to grow together, and here, it appears you haven't. 

[ShySoul]

Gifts, sex, compliments, those are all symptoms. The disease is the lack of communication and effort being made into making each other feel special and loved. It's not talking about your relationship and facing where you are at.

You are focused on what is missing from the relationship, and rightfully so. But let's flip this around for a minute.

What is right in the relationship? You have been together nine years, You've stayed with him nearing two years since the last time you commented on this. There has to be something that keeps you there. So what is it?

A person is who they have been through your entire relationship. So who is he? Is he someone who ignores you and doesn't make you feel special? Or is there something else about him that makes him worth being with? 

If can find good, remember that. Find what caused you to love each other in the first place. Work together to get that back. Tell him straight up what you need. Get him to listen to you. Don't continue to be hurt and upset by it. Actually take steps to improve it.

If you can't find good, then respect yourself enough to realize what you had is gone. Don't hang onto something that makes you miserable.

When faced with an issue we have three choices. One, be upset and complain. That won't change or solve anything. Two, accept it and continue as is. That won't be healthy for you. Or three, take steps to do something about it. Rather it is tell him and see what he does, or walking away on your own, do something about it. 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

When faced with an issue we have three choices. One, be upset and complain. That won't change or solve anything. Two, accept it and continue as is. That won't be healthy for you. Or three, take steps to do something about it. Rather it is tell him and see what he does, or walking away on your own, do something about it. 

^ This.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Ok. So I guess I should be ok with him gifting his DIL and not bothering with me. The point is he doesn't make any effort with me. And I notice it. I don't think I'm projecting. So I'm wrong here. 

But what are his motives for picking stuff up for her at a gift shop -do they have kids or want to? Maybe he's trying to buy their approval - stay on her good side-so don't equate it with whether he gifts you his spouse. My husband and even our families (when the grandparents were all living) gifted our son wayyyyy more than me or even -us.  And sometimes my gifts are framed photos of my son and me or just my son like on a mug - so it's also for my son in a way, no? There are many ways to give gifts -gifts of time, attention, going the extra mile.  Do you receive and give those gifts? Does he ever pick up something at the grocery store because he knows you like it? Even if he doesn't or not so much? 

It sounds like he is the primary breadwinner so is he of a mindset that he supports you financially (and he doesn't support his DIL financially -does he?).  So that is his "gift" to you.  Does he like being the primary breadwinner? Certain of my friends ask me why I don't do more about my husband's pack rat tendencies.  "Oh I could NOT live that way" they say."  Good for them -I balance it against what he does do with us and for us and for me and for now I choose my battles.  Do I want him to spend more hours decluttering -or be with our son? (Yes I wish they could do both- hasn't happened yet lol).  What's unacceptable for one person is fine for another.  So communicate. 

My bday is in a few weeks. It would be unacceptable to me if my husband forgot it entirely or my son did (meaning either he did or dad didn't remind him). It would be acceptable if I got no gifts (often they are delayed) or a small token gift or a gift I hadn't really preferred.  It would be unacceptable to me if they didn't want to "celebrate" by having bday cake which is our bday ritual at home - but no I don't need to be taken out for a meal (although it's always offered) and no I'm not upset if husband has to work/travel whatever and cake is delayed.  Figure out what your standards are -what you must have from him to feel cared for and noticed and communicate this -even if you're reading from something you typed up) with I statements and calmly -do not put him on the attack. 

Also ask yourself -if I am correct let's say and he's gifting DIL for unrelated reasons do you really want him to be obligated to be on the alert when you announce something you like or hunting down what you need? Tell him you are low maintenance in the positive sense but you feel invisible - again do not attack him -and explain the root of it recognizing that you need to own your past -that is not his fault and my personal opinion is he's not responsible for making up for your parents' deficits.

Obviously in some marriages the spouses do - I am very sensitive to my husband having lost both his parents so I am extra attune to situations where that loss is  triggered -but if I felt he needed therapy for it I'd know that my support can't equal therapy -and shouldn't need to (if that makes sense).

Take care.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I note that you had an identical thread about being invisible in 2022 - two years ago. Together 7 years.   Now you're together 9 years and as you can see, nothing has changed

Exactly. 

OP, at some point you may have to concede that the relationship has run its course. He doesn't appear to be interested in you whatsoever anymore. 

Do you really want to be back here in another 2 years, conplaining about how you still feel invisible?

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Exactly. 

OP, at some point you may have to concede that the relationship has run its course. He doesn't appear to be interested in you whatsoever anymore. 

Do you really want to be back here in another 2 years, conplaining about how you still feel invisible?

Yes-I do remember that thread too.  I feel like there is a middle ground here where she doesn't throw in the towel -yet ....

[MissCanuck]

I personally think she's already tried the middle ground and it's gotten her nowhere. 

But, she will make whatever choice is right for her. 

[Willowgirl55]

Y

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes-I do remember that thread too.  I feel like there is a middle ground here where she doesn't throw in the towel -yet ....

Thanks 

[Cherylyn]

Sounds like both of you are stuck in a rut. 😒 To him,  you sound like a nag.  Instead of telling him your work schedule and appointments,  hang up a large calendar on your refrigerator or somewhere in the kitchen where both of you can look at it daily to see upcoming plans.  

Regarding gift giving for birthdays and holidays,  instead of emphasis on material goods,  try going on an outing instead.   Or, a date night such as dinner and theater or dine out and walk somewhere.  Or, go somewhere scenic and enjoy a picnic.  Get a change of scenery.  Or,  if you're up to it,  perhaps both of you need a social life and get together with friends in a group,  with couples or whatever strikes your fancy.  Do something.  Don't just sit at home.  Peel away from screens.   Make a pact.  No phones.  Put them away in a backpack and get distracted away from phones. 

Or, home entertain.  Invite friends for dinner.  Don't let the relationship be exclusively you two.  Be with others in a socially happy way. 

I feel for you.  I'll go against the grain here by saying I wouldn't approve of my husband buying gifts for others whether it's for a daughter-in-law (DIL),  another lady whomever she is or anyone regardless of gender or age while completely ignoring me.  Yes,  I would definitely feel like chopped liver. ☹️ I hear you. 

Don't buy him anything for his birthday or holidays since he doesn't care to put forth the effort to think of you nor give you anything.  Don't surprise him with random little things.  What goes around,  comes around.  Quit spoiling him rotten.

He told you that you were low maintenance which is a backhanded compliment.  😐  It's a convenient excuse to do nothing for you.  It's his way of saying you're not that special to him.  He is taking you for granted.  You're so low maintenance that he doesn't care to maintain the relationship in a loving and respectful regard.  It's not a two way street.  It's a one way street from you to him only.

You're not overreacting.  If you prefer to remain in a relationship with him,  you'll have to put up and shut up. 

Also,  learn to be grateful.  Appreciate his attributes.  Is he hard working?  Does he generously contribute to the household budget?  Does he cheat?  Does he have unhealthy habits?  Some men are package deals.  You take the good with the bad if it's all he's willing to offer of himself.  Either endure and tolerate him as is,  or dissolve and exit the relationship.  He won't change for you.  A leopard cannot change its spots.  Take it or leave it.  Those are your choices. 

He most likely won't cooperate with couples psychologist type counseling even though you can try  persuading him to accompany you to these appointments. 

Don't expect compliments when you wear something attractive.  Wear something beautiful for you because you enjoy chic clothes.  It's what I do.  I enjoy looking my best from head-to-toe.  I do not enjoy looking frumpy.  I like pretty clothes,  shoes and have a penchant for fine handbags.  I have all sorts of fine jewelry and pretty costume  jewelry.  I don't need anymore.  Granted,  I'm not wearing anything formal at home or in public but I do enjoy looking good while I don't expect compliments in my household of husband and sons nor whenever I'm with local relatives,  in-laws and friends.  I do it for me,  my self confidence and high self esteem which suffices.  I'm secure enough that as long as I like it,  it is all that matters.  Often times,  silence is the sincerest form of flattery as my mother used to say.  😉

As for gift giving to DIL,  do you have separate bank accounts?  Are you paying for DIL's gifts, too?  Perhaps he should pay for his DIL's gifts and not you. 

Or,  the next time you are with your husband,  his DIL and his son,  broach the subject of gift giving and hopefully this DIL will have the decency to tell her father-in-law (FIL),  your husband that while she appreciated the gifts,  please,  no more gifts.  Many times,  if you have several witnesses in your corner,  you'll have more allies especially when these witnesses realize that this issue is creating a relationship problem for you.  To be clear,  it's not a matter of jealousy.  It's a matter of not behaving this way when you're supposed to be considerate of your partner,  spouse or whomever you're living with.  It's common sense.  A person shouldn't bypass the person they're supposed to love and respect and shower another person with gifts while ignoring whom they're co-habitating with.  It's not being honorable.   It's abnormal behavior to act this way.  I wouldn't like it either. 

As mentioned previously,  after coming home later than him,  stop cooking dinner for him.  Let him fend for himself whether it's cereal or whatever he can scrounge from the pantry or leftovers.  Feed yourself.  After several nights of no food offerings from you,  he'll get the message.  🙄  Let hunger do the talking for you. 

You'll no longer be invisible when you make yourself very invisible by no longer being in this relationship.  Then he will take notice.  Hopefully,  you won't come back and then he'll think long and hard what he had done.  By that time,  too little,  too late.  You need to know you've hit a wall in the relationship.  Either take action to your advantage or feel stuck in a relationship going nowhere.  It sounds like your relationship with him is dead.

 

[littleredfox]

I know exactly how you feel and it is so disheartening and it shakes your self confidence. It is a shame that we need to remind someone how to treat us well. I mean surely after 15 yrs of marriage they know what makes us feel appreciated .

As we get older it's the little things that matter . That sparkle between a couple should always be there . Sex life well for me that went a long time ago . I'm.not sex mad at all ha ha, but it's the connection and that longing to feel wanted that is lost.

i feel more like a house mate than a wife . Worst thing is that i find my husband so attractive as he has got older. I love him and i want him to see that i am still worthy of being made to feel special.

Only way for me to keep my self confidence is to do things for myself. I dress for me and I look good for me . I will go out and treat myself to please myself . I don't wait.around for him to make me feel special . As I will be waiting forever. Doesn't mean I love him less or neglecting  him. I am just doing things for me. It is making a difference because I have more self confidence . It's hard to rise above all this only it does help me .

I just wanted to mention that i know and i understand how you feel .

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

To him,  you sound like a nag.  Instead of telling him your work schedule and appointments,  hang up a large calendar on your refrigerator or somewhere in the kitchen where both of you can look at it daily to see upcoming plans

What we do in our house to avoid tons of boring conversations is my husband on Sunday night sends me an email with all known work meetings (like zoom) and appointments for Mon-Fri.  He also gives me plenty of advance notice if at all possible- via email -for travel. Then he'll follow up if anything changes.  Or tell me in person but it minimizes the doldrums.  For me since I work part time and rarely have meetings etc I email him more piecemeal with appointments as they come up.

Only a couple of times did he forget a child-related scheduling thing where he needed to do pick up, leaving me scrambling for a backup.  Our son is 15 so a few times over several years.  I only expect him to remember my schedule if it affects his or child care.   I do like when he remembers things that are important to me whether work or personal.  

We also will check in with each other before making social plans that could remotely affect the other's routine/schedule including my food shopping.  I don't see the point generally, given busy lives, having routine in person conversations about boring stuff.

[yogacat]

I know this is corny and cheesy but watch:

In the song, Swift sings about feeling invisible and wanting to feel special and appreciated in a relationship. The lyrics talk about feeling like a "joke" and "background noise" in the relationship, which may resonate with your feelings of being invisible to your partner. The idea of being "bejeweled" or adorned with love and attention, may be something you desire in your relationship as well.

Sounds like the critics 😉 were right —  But the chorus also reminds us to never go out of style and to always remember our self-worth, regardless of how our partner may treat us.

If you have been in this dead end for a few years, you are not coming out of it anytime soon. So, what are your choices here that doesn't involve banging your head into a brick wall?

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What we do in our house to avoid tons of boring conversations is my husband on Sunday night sends me an email with all known work meetings (like zoom) and appointments for Mon-Fri.  He also gives me plenty of advance notice if at all possible- via email -for travel. Then he'll follow up if anything changes.  Or tell me in person but it minimizes the doldrums.  For me since I work part time and rarely have meetings etc I email him more piecemeal with appointments as they come up.

Only a couple of times did he forget a child-related scheduling thing where he needed to do pick up, leaving me scrambling for a backup.  Our son is 15 so a few times over several years.  I only expect him to remember my schedule if it affects his or child care.   I do like when he remembers things that are important to me whether work or personal.  

We also will check in with each other before making social plans that could remotely affect the other's routine/schedule including my food shopping.  I don't see the point generally, given busy lives, having routine in person conversations about boring stuff.

My husband and I don't even do that.  We both know to check the calendar both on the refrigerator and / or in our phones because all info is there in advance.  However,  if there are unforeseen urgent matters or emergencies then we text or call.  I also leave occasional handwritten reminder notes such as on the entry way in / out door which we exit from our foyer at a separate wing of our house which leads to the garage.  Can't miss it.  Or, on rare occasions,  the bathroom mirror.  Can't miss it there either.  Or, the steering wheel.  Can't miss it there as well.  At the end of the day, we'll discuss anything but I don't have to talk regarding schedules,  appointments or any upcoming events because I made sure it's all been covered already.  It makes life easier when there's less talking about the mundane.  We'll engage in more interesting topics instead such as the news,  our day at work,  colleagues,  positive or negative observations of our local relatives and in-laws,  what's new with our friends or sons,  home improvement projects,  hobbies,  where we were today,  public observations,  etc.    

[catfeeder]

While I'd probably separate out the DIL gifts as overcompensation to 'win' her and his son's approval, especially with regard to inclusion in their lives and lots of access to current or future grandchildren, the sex and intimacy and communication issues within my own relationship with him would be my focus.

This isn't about getting older, it's about being taken for granted. 

If it's true that you've suffered this man's dismissiveness since at least 2 years ago, when you wrote your original thread, I'd stop viewing that is anything that I've done 'wrong,' and more about whether I want to continue in such an unsatisfying relationship.

Have you considered a Plan B for rerouting your life and leaving this guy?