The older I get the more invisible I become . Why?

[Willowgirl55]

 I'm 58 and seem to be getting more and more invisible to my partner. 

We aren't married as we have both been married once and I think that was enough for both of us . Both of our marriages ended badly. I think we are both afraid to do it again. 

My partner is 56 and we are both mature adults. For the past few years I feel he's been tuning me out. Women, you can tell when your guy is really not interested in what you are saying. I get the bored "uh hu" response alot. I tell him things and have to remind him over and over yet he still claims I never told him i.e my work schedule or appointments (I work various part time jobs and have a lot of places to be during my week). 

Holidays and birthdays are a drag any more. He used to put effort into surprising me with wonderful unique gifts. He loved surprising me with little things every now and then also. That all stopped. I used to catch him looking at me when we would be sitting next to each other at shows or concerts. I was always embarrassed. It was the kind of look that made you feel beautiful and special. That's gone now too. Now he looks at his phone . 

For the past few years he struggles with what to get me for Birthdays or Christmas. He literally says he doesn't know what to get me. He puts more effort into getting his sons wife something for her birthday and Christmas than he does mine. We go out to local places like Botanical Gardens and The Aviary. These are places I love spending time in as I'm a nature gal. He always heads to the gift shop EVERY TIME  and tells me he looking for something TO GET FOR HIS SONS WIFE'. He doesn't care to pay attention to anything that I might find beautiful , and simply walks away looking at other things. And no, he's never gotten me anything from these places. But he has gotten his sons wife things. WHAT AM I ???......CREAMED SPINACH?????

I'm so lost and it makes my heart sink. 

He once told me that I'm so low maintenance . I guess so low maintenance that I'm invisible. I'm not a high maintenance woman at all. I'm pretty and I keep my figure and am healthy. I don't look 58 at all. I take good care of myself. 

When it comes to his birthday or holidays, I always find something he likes and pay attention to things he's interested in so I have ideas for later. And yes I do surprise him with little things as well. 

It's as if he doesn't even know what I like any more  regardless of the fact we've been living together for almost 10 years. He just doesn't pay attention. He's never bought me a piece of jewelry. Everything I wear I've bought myself. How envious I am of women that get any kind of jewelry as gifts. 

I wore a beautiful brand new summer dress the other day that I bought . Something different than I normally wear. He didn't even notice. No comment at all. What a sinker . 

I'm not understanding the importance of the gifts for his daughter in law. He was doing this before they got married also when she was just his son's girlfriend. 

I got irritated today and expressed myself in the gift shop. He had to tell me he wanted to find something for *******..to which I replied .YES I KNOW ! EVERY TIME WE ARE HERE YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING FOR ******. Again ignoring anything I was interested in. He didn't comment on my tone. Perhaps he didn't even hear me. 

What the hecks ????

 Am I over reacting here ladies ? 

Maybe I need to stop being so low maintenance. How can he NOT have a clue as to what I like after 9 years of being together ????  

I cook dinner about 70% of the time. I do a lot running around for my jobs and it pisses me off when I get home (later than he does )and I have to immediately cook something for dinner.

And sex....forget about it. Maybe once a month if I'm lucky. 

I miss feeling special and interesting. Now I feel boring and invisible. 

Anyone else feel this way? Uh hu......

 

 

[ShySoul]

Single male here, so I'm probably not going to get exactly what you feel, But I do spend most of life feeling invisible to just about everyone around me. When I speak the words seem to go in one ear and out the other. People will ignore what I say to go on talking about what they want. I have to repeat myself several times for even the smallest of things as no one seems to remember when I tell them things important to me. The things I actually ask for are ignored as it can feel like it's more important for people to do what they want. 

So I get what you are feeling. You are not overreacting.

People have a tendency to get complacent. They start to take things for granted, making assumptions and taking shortcuts. They don't believe they have to put in the effort, as it's easy to believe what they have will alawys be there. And the older you get, the more set in your ways you can become. You can become resistent to change, not wanting to or having the energy to do all the things you may have done in the past.

Truth is a relationship needs to be constantly tended to like a garden. If it's not watered everday, feed the right nutrients, then it withers away. It breeds resentment or apathy. And it can be hard to get it back.

How much have you spoken with him about this? Is he aware this is an issue for you? If so, how did he take it? If not, what is holding you back from talking to him?

It's not about being low maintenance. It's about communicating your needs to your partner and them being receptive of your feelings. It's about him taking the time to respect your feelings. It's him doing the small things that matter most in a relationship. 

If you don't want to be invisible, make yourself seen. Take the lead and talk to him. Don't let it build until you snap at him like you did in the gift shop. Be the mature adult you said you were and tell him you need to have an honest discussion. Express yourself to him. Tell him what you are missing and what you need to make things better.

And take the time to love yourself first. Just because someone else doesn't treat you to something, doesn't mean you can't treat yourself. Do something on your own to make yourself happy. Get takeout instead of cooking and let him fend for himself for a night. Find another friend and do something with them. It's okay to take time apart and feel special just as you.

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I'm 58 and seem to be getting more and more invisible to my partner. 

Yeah, welcome to old age.

Joking. Sternberg has a triangular theory of love where it consists of passion, intimacy and commitment. Depending on that, there are 7 types of love. In your case passion and intimacy component are gone. There is no sense of connection and clearly no passion toward each other. Just commitment toward each other. That kind of love is called “Empty love”. Sometimes big love deteriorates in time to empty love.

That isnt to say that things cant change. It seems to me that you really dont talk about things. Yes he became complacent but he cant read your minds. So talk to him about all those things first. Even suggest marriage counseling if necessary. And see if things can change. 

[Batya33]

Hi ! I am turning 58 soon. Husband is 57. Married 15 years and our son is 15. We teach people how to treat us. I’ve had to be more assertive about taking me time and not in an “I have to “ kind of way because technically even though it feels so much like a need - I mean it’s not. So I’ve bravely expressed what I really want and so we compromise because my me time is inconsistent with his schedule and disrupts it somewhat. But because I’ve stood up for myself he doesn’t complain and also because I make sacrifices for his schedule. I say as my dryer is still going with our bedding because he slept in again. 
Do you treat yourself? Buy for yourself ? You seem a bit focused on wanting him to show he cares through gifts. Just an observation. Today my husband took over the logistics of getting my son out the door on time to meet his friends so I could eat lunch in peace. That felt thoughtful and generous.  
Maybe the gift shop thing is more of a knee jerk thing - I mean gift shops are overpriced but convenient for gift-like items. 
I feel invisible when I do all the cleaning and Mom things - the emails for appointments and appointments and insurance reimbursement and school stuff and making sure we have fresh towels and filled soap dispensers and wiped down surfaces. Do those just like magically appear ? Guess so. 
My daily cardio exercise is heavenly for my self esteem. I highly recommend it. I feel like a winner / I know obviously I’m no Olympic medalist but it feels like that and it’s a great internal feeling. 
 

[Andrina]

You've never said, (your comment that fell on deaf ears in the gift shop doesn't count) if you've had discussions about how you feel about being ignored, and if so, what his responses have been.

Sounds strange with him giving his son's wife thoughtful gifts and announcing that to you. Might be passive-aggressiveness against you, or perhaps an inappropriate crush on her.

Sounds like you'd like for things to be repaired versus just walking away at this point, even as you haven't been getting your needs met for some time. There are certain things you could try either individually or together, depending on your opinion and comfort level.

1. Ask him to attend couples counseling with you. The therapist will give you two homework and if he truly loves you, he will put in the effort.

2. Changing one's behavior is often the best way to change another's behavior. If you put in new and exciting effort, he might begin to match your enthusiasm. Supposedly it's a bonding experience for couples to engage in blood-pumping activities like riding roller coasters together, rock climbing, speedway racetracks in those mini race cars, etc. With a twinkle in your eye, you could tell him you want to go to a couples' store to pick out new toys and massage oil, etc. for the bedroom. You could also find new positions online to try and share with him that you'd find it fun to give it a go. You could write him a note for him to find of things you do appreciate about him. Sometimes it's good to fake it until you make it. Though he doesn't deserve these things with the way he's behaving, doing things like I've mentioned will likely get better results than saying: We need to talk. We only have sex once a month and I'm not happy about that.

3. Though I'm not one to play games, I think in this instance, give him a chance to miss you, possibly giving him a wake up call, as to what life will be like without you if he loses you because of his behavior. Start making yourself more scarce. If you have a friend or more, perhaps meet a friend after work once a week for a meal and let your man know he's on his own for dinner. You could also begin a hobby that keeps you out of the house a bit more, which will serve two purposes. He might find your focus on something else, something you can be passionate about besides him, will have him worried that he might start seeming more boring to you if he doesn't step up. A hobby will also be something you can find fulfillment in if the relationship ends, and you will still have something enjoyable in life to tide you over until you eventually find a man worthy of you.

1 hour ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I cook dinner about 70% of the time. I do a lot running around for my jobs and it pisses me off when I get home (later than he does )and I have to immediately cook something for dinner.

Some people need concrete instructions. How about for hectic days, you two have shopped in advance for simple prep meals for particular days. Therefore, when you know you won't want to cook, you can text him: Hey, I'll be home at 7. At 6, can you please pop the frozen lasagna into the oven? Thanks.

In reading between the lines, it sounds like you've possibly held your tongue because of fear. Do you think he'll walk away? Do you think he'll treat you even worse if you speak up? Do you avoid confrontation most of the time from learned childhood behavior or something else?

You can ask for things, like times for a phone to be put away during quality time together. For him to take on the cooking on particular days. Just make sure when you ask that it's not in an accusatory or blaming sort of way. Keep it in an "I" type of language. "I'll be too tired to cook tomorrow night, so I'd appreciate it if you can make dinner." "I love our discussions during dinner, so I'd like for us to put our phones in the other room or on silent during that time."

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Willowgirl55]

59 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Single male here, so I'm probably not going to get exactly what you feel, But I do spend most of life feeling invisible to just about everyone around me. When I speak the words seem to go in one ear and out the other. People will ignore what I say to go on talking about what they want. I have to repeat myself several times for even the smallest of things as no one seems to remember when I tell them things important to me. The things I actually ask for are ignored as it can feel like it's more important for people to do what they want. 

So I get what you are feeling. You are not overreacting.

People have a tendency to get complacent. They start to take things for granted, making assumptions and taking shortcuts. They don't believe they have to put in the effort, as it's easy to believe what they have will alawys be there. And the older you get, the more set in your ways you can become. You can become resistent to change, not wanting to or having the energy to do all the things you may have done in the past.

Truth is a relationship needs to be constantly tended to like a garden. If it's not watered everday, feed the right nutrients, then it withers away. It breeds resentment or apathy. And it can be hard to get it back.

How much have you spoken with him about this? Is he aware this is an issue for you? If so, how did he take it? If not, what is holding you back from talking to him?

It's not about being low maintenance. It's about communicating your needs to your partner and them being receptive of your feelings. It's about him taking the time to respect your feelings. It's him doing the small things that matter most in a relationship. 

If you don't want to be invisible, make yourself seen. Take the lead and talk to him. Don't let it build until you snap at him like you did in the gift shop. Be the mature adult you said you were and tell him you need to have an honest discussion. Express yourself to him. Tell him what you are missing and what you need to make things better.

And take the time to love yourself first. Just because someone else doesn't treat you to something, doesn't mean you can't treat yourself. Do something on your own to make yourself happy. Get takeout instead of cooking and let him fend for himself for a night. Find another friend and do something with them. It's okay to take time apart and feel special just as you.

I like your response . I'm sorry you feel invisible to others. Watering the garden yes is a valid point. And people do get lazy and take things for granted. 

Your words are very well written and appreciated. Thank you so kindly. 

[Cherylyn]

It's difficult if not impossible to teach an old dog new tricks. 😒 

After living together for 9 years,  perhaps the relationship had run its course. 

Sure,  you can have a thorough,  in depth conversation with him but I doubt he'll stop giving extra attention with gift buying for his daughter-in-law (DIL).

You can try writing a list of everything you like and have him 'surprise' you for your birthday,  holidays or at random.  Maybe he's at an age where he ran out of ideas and lacks enthusiasm so he gave up.  On your list,  also include outings you two would enjoy.  Give him ideas.  Then have him pick and choose.

He needs to step up with household chores.  Since you come home later than he does,  make something only you would like and have him eat cereal.  After several evenings of this,  he'll cook unless he wishes to fend for himself yet again.  🙄 

Sounds like you spoiled him rotten.  Do less to nil.  Maybe that will give him a message to try to win you back or there's the door.  He has to either improve or the relationship is dead.

Try couples psychological counseling which might help. 

Yes,  to him,  you're creamed spinach. 🍃 I'm sorry.  ☹️

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

That kind of love is called “Empty love”. Sometimes big love deteriorates in time to empty love.

Agree. Familiarity breeds contempt.

He feels secure with you and complacent, knowing he can have you anytime. Not trying to be mean. But he lacks the hunter instinct, as he has got what he wants. The man is aging, too, and unless you captivate him like when you first met, he'll remain complacent into old age. 

Who'd/What'd make you feel special? How much of a stretch would it be to ask him if he is happy to continue with how things are going? 

Some people stay in jobs they don't like, live in towns they don't like because they can't be bothered to make the effort to move. I guess if you can't change him, start Phasing him out. Get out and get busy. Do new things. I know it sucks when partners become complacent, like companions for mutual convenience. Like ships that meet at sea. Life is short. You have choices. And you might even find yourself in a better place. Nothing will change unless you do something. Making your own life better, just might make interest it him too, in a good way.

[Capricorn3]

OP, I read your post several times and speaking for myself only, if I was in that situation, I would be done.  I can't even begin to imagine living like that every single day.  I would much rather be on my own.

When reading your post all I see is a guy who is so complacent he literally "doesn't give a damn" anymore. At this stage in his life I highly doubt he will change in any way, shape or form.  He is who he is.  What you see is what you get (imo).  Imo, your relationship has run its course.  Sure, you can suggest couples counseling, but once again, I doubt he'd be interested.

Living the rest of my life like this, being unhappy every single day with a guy who shows nothing but contempt for you?  I would pack his bags and show him the door.  Life's way too short.

[ShySoul]

5 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I like your response . I'm sorry you feel invisible to others. Watering the garden yes is a valid point. And people do get lazy and take things for granted. 

Your words are very well written and appreciated. Thank you so kindly. 

You know the saying no one can make you feel inferior without your consent? Same thing here. No one can make you feel invisible without your consent. You can't control a person's actions, but you can control your response.

I have days where feeling invisible gets me down. I get depressed and feel like hiding away, retreating into my shell and being more invisible. What's the point of trying if it's not going to be seen? That just makes me feel worse. It lets all the hurt and negative feelings fester in me. It only drags me down. 

But if I focus on myself and enjoying what I like, I feel better. I don't need to be seen by others as I can fully see and love myself. We are the agents of our own happiness. Doesn't mean we don't want to be seen my someone else. But it starts with us.

You deserve to be happy, loved, and appreciated. And you deserve to be shown all those things. So let him know. Don't settle if you aren't happy. Work with him to rekindle things and get that garden blooming. If he can't do it, it's okay. Sometimes the plant will fade because it's just it's time. But you can always start a new garden in time, and you can start with the brightest flower of all - yourself.

2 hours ago, Willowgirl55 said:

WHAT AM I ???......CREAMED SPINACH?????

Maybe you should look for a sailor like Popeye, someone who likes spinach? 😉

[Willowgirl55]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah, welcome to old age.

Joking. Sternberg has a triangular theory of love where it consists of passion, intimacy and commitment. Depending on that, there are 7 types of love. In your case passion and intimacy component are gone. There is no sense of connection and clearly no passion toward each other. Just commitment toward each other. That kind of love is called “Empty love”. Sometimes big love deteriorates in time to empty love.

That isnt to say that things cant change. It seems to me that you really dont talk about things. Yes he became complacent but he cant read your minds. So talk to him about all those things first. Even suggest marriage counseling if necessary. And see if things can change. 

Right. I know he can't read my mind. And that's honestly an old excuse for men. Of COURSE they can't read out minds. But damn after so many years it really isn't rocket science to have a pretty good idea what your woman would want right ? And that stands for sex also. It's not like we just met. Empty love hits home. For them to claim "I don't know what you want"is pure bs....(None of that was meant as angry towards your response ). 

[Willowgirl55]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Hi ! I am turning 58 soon. Husband is 57. Married 15 years and our son is 15. We teach people how to treat us. I’ve had to be more assertive about taking me time and not in an “I have to “ kind of way because technically even though it feels so much like a need - I mean it’s not. So I’ve bravely expressed what I really want and so we compromise because my me time is inconsistent with his schedule and disrupts it somewhat. But because I’ve stood up for myself he doesn’t complain and also because I make sacrifices for his schedule. I say as my dryer is still going with our bedding because he slept in again. 
Do you treat yourself? Buy for yourself ? You seem a bit focused on wanting him to show he cares through gifts. Just an observation. Today my husband took over the logistics of getting my son out the door on time to meet his friends so I could eat lunch in peace. That felt thoughtful and generous.  
Maybe the gift shop thing is more of a knee jerk thing - I mean gift shops are overpriced but convenient for gift-like items. 
I feel invisible when I do all the cleaning and Mom things - the emails for appointments and appointments and insurance reimbursement and school stuff and making sure we have fresh towels and filled soap dispensers and wiped down surfaces. Do those just like magically appear ? Guess so. 
My daily cardio exercise is heavenly for my self esteem. I highly recommend it. I feel like a winner / I know obviously I’m no Olympic medalist but it feels like that and it’s a great internal feeling. 
 

Not just gifts. I try catching his attention by upping the game on how I dress. No response. I walk past him in my panties, no response (I am quite shy also so this takes courage). He doesn't hear me when I talk. I have talked to him about the claim that he just doesn't know what to get me. I've left him lists online of things that I would like (not just jewelry btw). Nope...then he tells me he doesn't need a list. ....

[yogacat]

9 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Right. I know he can't read my mind. And that's honestly an old excuse for men. Of COURSE they can't read out minds. But damn after so many years it really isn't rocket science to have a pretty good idea what your woman would want right ? And that stands for sex also. It's not like we just met. Empty love hits home. For them to claim "I don't know what you want"is pure bs....(None of that was meant as angry towards your response ). 

It's not "men", it's your man. Does he work, what are his hobbies, what entertains him. What is it that held you two together for the past several years?

Do the "missings" reveal from any real problems? Is he just not noticing you, because he thinks that he knows you?

Men also want to feel recognized. But he seems to look for going away and avoid intimacy by keeping his distance in the local gift shops (who knows). I don't want to be a negative Nancy here but are we sure he's buying things for his daughter-in-law?

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Not just gifts. I try catching his attention by upping the game on how I dress. No response. I walk past him in my panties, no response (I am quite shy also so this takes courage). He doesn't hear me when I talk. I have talked to him about the claim that he just doesn't know what to get me. I've left him lists online of things that I would like (not just jewelry btw). Nope...then he tells me he doesn't need a list. ....

I would do what Andrina suggested rather than parading in front of him looking all pretty.  What is the focus on gifts though? Is it easier to be upset about that than what Capricorn mentioned?

[Willowgirl55]

9 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It's not "men", it's your man. Does he work, what are his hobbies, what entertains him. What is it that held you two together for the past several years?

Do the "missings" reveal from any real problems? Is he just not noticing you, because he thinks that he knows you?

Men also want to feel recognized. But he seems to look for going away and avoid intimacy by keeping his distance in the local gift shops (who knows). I don't want to be a negative Nancy here but are we sure he's buying things for his daughter-in-law?

Yup..he is a salaried Engineer. Makes good money. Hobbies hiking ..Grand Prix races and baseball. Also birding . We do a lot together actually like hiking and outdoor things and live music. Yeah ..it's so weird. When I pick something up and say how much I like it...he literally walks away and continues looking at other things. 

No...it's for the DIL...I'm 100% on that. Because when we went to visit them he had to stop and pick up a plant or something for her a long the way. Soooooo strange ........he's never even bought me a plant. Lololol...AND I LOVE PLANTS !!!!

[Willowgirl55]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

OP, I read your post several times and speaking for myself only, if I was in that situation, I would be done.  I can't even begin to imagine living like that every single day.  I would much rather be on my own.

When reading your post all I see is a guy who is so complacent he literally "doesn't give a damn" anymore. At this stage in his life I highly doubt he will change in any way, shape or form.  He is who he is.  What you see is what you get (imo).  Imo, your relationship has run its course.  Sure, you can suggest couples counseling, but once again, I doubt he'd be interested.

Living the rest of my life like this, being unhappy every single day with a guy who shows nothing but contempt for you?  I would pack his bags and show him the door.  Life's way too short.

I don't think it's contempt. I've had that in my one and only marriage. My husband hated me. I experience contempt full force then. This isn't that. 

I feel he takes me for granted. And he still feels I'm low maintenance and need nothing . ...maybe it's time for a change....in ME

[Willowgirl55]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

You've never said, (your comment that fell on deaf ears in the gift shop doesn't count) if you've had discussions about how you feel about being ignored, and if so, what his responses have been.

Sounds strange with him giving his son's wife thoughtful gifts and announcing that to you. Might be passive-aggressiveness against you, or perhaps an inappropriate crush on her.

Sounds like you'd like for things to be repaired versus just walking away at this point, even as you haven't been getting your needs met for some time. There are certain things you could try either individually or together, depending on your opinion and comfort level.

1. Ask him to attend couples counseling with you. The therapist will give you two homework and if he truly loves you, he will put in the effort.

2. Changing one's behavior is often the best way to change another's behavior. If you put in new and exciting effort, he might begin to match your enthusiasm. Supposedly it's a bonding experience for couples to engage in blood-pumping activities like riding roller coasters together, rock climbing, speedway racetracks in those mini race cars, etc. With a twinkle in your eye, you could tell him you want to go to a couples' store to pick out new toys and massage oil, etc. for the bedroom. You could also find new positions online to try and share with him that you'd find it fun to give it a go. You could write him a note for him to find of things you do appreciate about him. Sometimes it's good to fake it until you make it. Though he doesn't deserve these things with the way he's behaving, doing things like I've mentioned will likely get better results than saying: We need to talk. We only have sex once a month and I'm not happy about that.

3. Though I'm not one to play games, I think in this instance, give him a chance to miss you, possibly giving him a wake up call, as to what life will be like without you if he loses you because of his behavior. Start making yourself more scarce. If you have a friend or more, perhaps meet a friend after work once a week for a meal and let your man know he's on his own for dinner. You could also begin a hobby that keeps you out of the house a bit more, which will serve two purposes. He might find your focus on something else, something you can be passionate about besides him, will have him worried that he might start seeming more boring to you if he doesn't step up. A hobby will also be something you can find fulfillment in if the relationship ends, and you will still have something enjoyable in life to tide you over until you eventually find a man worthy of you.

Some people need concrete instructions. How about for hectic days, you two have shopped in advance for simple prep meals for particular days. Therefore, when you know you won't want to cook, you can text him: Hey, I'll be home at 7. At 6, can you please pop the frozen lasagna into the oven? Thanks.

In reading between the lines, it sounds like you've possibly held your tongue because of fear. Do you think he'll walk away? Do you think he'll treat you even worse if you speak up? Do you avoid confrontation most of the time from learned childhood behavior or something else?

You can ask for things, like times for a phone to be put away during quality time together. For him to take on the cooking on particular days. Just make sure when you ask that it's not in an accusatory or blaming sort of way. Keep it in an "I" type of language. "I'll be too tired to cook tomorrow night, so I'd appreciate it if you can make dinner." "I love our discussions during dinner, so I'd like for us to put our phones in the other room or on silent during that time."

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Yup! Changing my behavior I agree with. Obviously he's getting too complacent with me being that I'm so "low maintenance". I might even be boring. Yup...fear and childhood trauma for sure. I was ignored mentally and physically as a child. Alot of it comes from that I'm sure. Plus every relationship I've been in has ended because they cheated. Hoping this isn't the case here. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Yup..he is a salaried Engineer. Makes good money. Hobbies hiking ..Grand Prix races and baseball. Also birding . We do a lot together actually like hiking and outdoor things and live music. Yeah ..it's so weird. When I pick something up and say how much I like it...he literally walks away and continues looking at other things. 

No...it's for the DIL...I'm 100% on that. Because when we went to visit them he had to stop and pick up a plant or something for her a long the way. Soooooo strange ........he's never even bought me a plant. Lololol...AND I LOVE PLANTS !!!!

Why are you playing that game of testing him with sharing what you like -why not say "I like this I'm going to buy it -be right back"  

[Capricorn3]

4 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

...maybe it's time for a change....in ME

There ya go! Time to face reality and ask yourself "is this really how I want to live the rest of my life?".

Maybe "contempt" was the wrong word, but, in my opinion, he shows that he certainly doesn't give a damn about you anymore. Others may disagree, but that's what I see when reading your original post. 🙅‍♀️

[Willowgirl55]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why are you playing that game of testing him with sharing what you like -why not say "I like this I'm going to buy it -be right back"  

I've done that. Many times. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Willowgirl55 said:

I've done that. Many times. 

So keep doing it so you get what you want.  I wouldn't even tell him you like something -just buy it.  I think he sees the gift giving to his DIL as a separate category.  I agree with Andrina that -as the old Redbook magazine feature used to read "can this marriage be saved" - maybe.  

[Capricorn3]

5 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

I've done that. Many times. 

Good.  My question now is, do you somehow want/need him to buy you gifts to make you feel wanted or special? 

[yogacat]

31 minutes ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Yup..he is a salaried Engineer. Makes good money. Hobbies hiking ..Grand Prix races and baseball. Also birding . We do a lot together actually like hiking and outdoor things and live music. Yeah ..it's so weird. When I pick something up and say how much I like it...he literally walks away and continues looking at other things. 

No...it's for the DIL...I'm 100% on that. Because when we went to visit them he had to stop and pick up a plant or something for her a long the way. Soooooo strange ........he's never even bought me a plant. Lololol...AND I LOVE PLANTS !!!!

I agree with other comments. Yes, it's nice to have your man buy you an occasional gift, but you certainly don't have to expect it on a regular basis. The lack of gift giving is symbolic of something missing. 

I would recommend you focus on the lack of communication and intimacy issues first. If you guys can't talk to each about small things, the bigger picture becomes blank.  

Now, with respect to your more complicated issue, it seems to me that you're very focused on him giving you things that you want, (which to be fair, he should be making his own effort in the relationship).

There are deeper issues than just the gift giving. It is certainly not necessary to expect gifts all the time, but it is important to feel seen and appreciated by your partner. If you are feeling ignored and invisible and have mentioned it to him, he seems rather detached and indifferent. What are some of the things that you do for each other, meaning, not just to get your partner's attention, but out of love, just because?

Think back to when you felt most connected and happy in the relationship. What were the things that you guys did for each other then? Are there some rituals that you slowly abandoned over the years? Sounds like you need to connect on a deeper emotional level, besides just sex to ease the shallowness you are feeling.

Then again, it sounds like he is pretty much checked out which is a way of telling you that he is just not that into you anymore. 

[Willowgirl55]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So keep doing it so you get what you want.  I wouldn't even tell him you like something -just buy it.  I think he sees the gift giving to his DIL as a separate category.  I agree with Andrina that -as the old Redbook magazine feature used to read "can this marriage be saved" - maybe.  

Yeah...I'm going back to the shop and buying myself what I liked. You are right. I should have just bought it. I think I just got so disappointed in hearing him wanting to buy for his DIL I just put it back and we left. I'm going back and getting it for myself. 

[Willowgirl55]

17 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Good.  My question now is, do you somehow want/need him to buy you gifts to make you feel wanted or special? 

Yeah

..I kind of do. I guess that's sad and pathetic. Once in awhile? Like when we first met he would find the coolest things to give me. Now he hasn't a clue (like I said firm birthdays or Christmas).