Affair Partners

[Openreach]

 

Have you ever told your affair partners Wife/Husband/Partner about your affair?

If so what happened and did you regret it afterwards

 

[Batya33]

I know of people who have done this and most of them for selfish reasons.  I had a former friend who had an affair (although he was the married one) and he committed suicide.  She told me she blamed the wife for his depression etc.  I was shocked she was that far gone that she'd go there (he'd been on and off with her -feeling guilty then hooking up, etc)

I randomly realized a couple of years ago that I was actually FB friends with -and formerly acquainted with -the affair partner of my friend's partner (they were never married, they shared a child together, then they were living together but estranged and she told me about the mistress who had harassed her but I asked not to know the name -had no clue it could be this woman).  I always wondered if I would have told my friend I ended up knowing who she was through FB photos.  The reason I didn't was by the time I found out he had passed away - likely a drug OD.  And I knew there was no reason to tell her.  Otherwise if I knew and didn't think she knew I -don't know what I would have done.  She did know -just never knew and doesn't know that I knew.  It's unrelated to your main question but part of the same topic - who has a "right" to know? What good can come of it? It's individual.

My other friend who had an affair never told her partner's spouse although they knew each other. And she was over the moon about him (she was single/he married).  But she ended it thank goodness.  I do think she thought he might leave his wife.  I don't think he did.

When I think of sharing sensitive info I do self-talk as needed -what are my true motives, who will it help, what are the downsides.  Often the desire to tell in this situation is purely selfish.

[Openreach]

I agree but every situation is different. For example sometimes the affair partner may not be aware the other person is in a relationship and they've been cheating on not just their partner and the affair partner but multiple other people too.

[Andrina]

It can be putting oneself in harm's way, when the affair partner or their spouse kills the messenger. Plenty of instances of that exist in true crime drama shows like Snapped, 48 Hours Mystery, and Dateline.

[redswim30]

I have never been in this situation myself. 

However, I can say that I think an affair partner telling their affair partner's spouse or SO is NEVER a good idea.  It's not.   

First of all, it can put you in harm's way.  You have NO idea if this person is violent or not.  It's human nature- people more often blame the affair partner than their spouse.  It's MUCH easier to blame the person you don't know than it is to admit that your partner willingly did this (even though they DID). 

People who are in denial about their spouse cheating, will always be in denial.  Some spouses KNOW their partner is cheating and either don't care (some ppl have no problem with this as long as they have their bills paid and their facade going strong), or else they DO know but someone else telling them still won't help anything. 

Example- I KNEW my ex-husband was cheating on me.  But, I wasn't ready to leave the marriage.  One of his affair partners telling me, wouldn't have made any difference to me, because I already knew.  And I've changed since then, but back then - I was in my 20's and immature- I 100% would have blamed HER and taken my anger out on HER.  Even though it's impossible to MAKE someone cheat who doesn't want/choose to. 

I'm sure it's not impossible- BUT- I think it's EXTREMELY RARE that a spouse would THANK an affair partner for revealing their identity.  Even IF the AP didn't KNOW they were cheating, do you really think MOST spouses will believe that, even IF it's true?  NOPE. 

My best advice is always to stay out of it.   Either the spouse/SO already KNOWS but has chosen not to leave yet.  OR they are in denial.   OR they don't care.  Even if by some small chance they are blissfully unaware- what purpose does telling them serve?   The marriage will run its course way one or the other without revealing yourself. 

[lostandhurt]

I will never cheat but I have dimed up on a few people but I know of several going on that I let it be.  The ones I got the information to the right people was when they were being put at risk.

I have no qualms about it at all.  Cheating destroys peoples lives plain and simple.

Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

@Openreachgreat question. 

For me?  I am strongly against an AP telling the BP of their lover about the affair.

Other than wanting to hurt and humiliate the BP and bring to light their your OWN hatefulness, selfishness and bitterness, there is absolutely NO reason to tell them imo.

That said, I just read @lostandhurtpost about there being a risk to the BP.  You mean like if they had contracted an STD or something?  That's a pretty good reason to tell the BP although not sure it's their place to tell.  I'd have to think more about it.

Shifting gears and not sure if this is a hijack and if so I apologize and will create a separate thread.  But your question also begs the question, do you believe a person having an affair, upon realizing it was a mistake and ending the affair, should tell their partner (BP)?

Would that also be considered selfish?

I have heard a few sides to this.

1. Telling is selfish because telling would be a way to alleviate their own guilt for having the affair and would only hurt the BP and serve no good purpose (other than alleviating the AP's guilt).

2.  Telling is honest, keeping secrets from your partner is shady and your partner has the right to know so he/she can decide whether or not they want to work through issues that may have caused the affair or leave the relationship.

3.  Don't tell and hope your partner never finds out!

Sadly, I think No. 3 is most popular but then like most things, the BP finds out one way or another, which of course makes it much worse and any chance of working things out after that is slim to none.

I have never cheated but IF I ever did, I think I would tell my partner, and if he didn't hate my guts and was open to counseling, would take that route.

 

 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Openreach said:

Have you ever told your affair partners Wife/Husband/Partner about your affair?

If I'm the one who is either cheating on my own partner or involving myself with a married or otherwise committed partner to someone else, then I just can't come up with a reasonable motive for this. Sure, I can come up with unreasonable ones: for instance, my own ego has been hurt, so I want to cause harm and take everyone else down with me.

Otherwise, I'd need the right details to know what, exactly, would make me so righteous after the fact? Did the sex partner, who I already knew held a vast capacity for disloyalty, suddenly cut me off or become disloyal to me? Well, that was perfectly predictable. Those were the dice I chose to roll, and that's on me.

[yogacat]

The only reason I can see someone telling the wife/husband/partner is because they want to hurt the affair partner or get revenge or possibly think that by doing so, the affair partner will leave their spouse/partner and be with them. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

or possibly think that by doing so, the affair partner will leave their spouse/partner and be with them. 

I actually knew of a situation just like this^.  An acquaintance at work was having an affair with another attorney who was married.  The acquaintance told the wife, the wife kicked her husband out and shortly thereafter the acquaintance and the guy were living together.

I believe they got engaged but not sure if they actually got married because the firm went belly up and we were all laid off and found other jobs.

My suspicion was the hubs orchestrated it because he was too cowardly to admit to his wife himself and he wanted her to kick him out so he could be with his lover.

 

[Capricorn3]

13 hours ago, Openreach said:

Have you ever told your affair partners Wife/Husband/Partner about your affair?

Interesting question.  OP, are you planning to tell your affair partner's husband about her cheating on him with you?  If so, why?

[ShySoul]

19 hours ago, Openreach said:

Have you ever told your affair partners Wife/Husband/Partner about your affair?

If so what happened and did you regret it afterwards

What's the situation and motivation behind revealing it?

If it's intended to hurt another person, then no, don't do it. But if it is to get everything in the open, it may be useful.

The partner of the one you are having the affair with is being hurt without even realizing it. There could be a chance this isn't the first affair. To go on letting her believe things are fine actually seems cruel.  I can see if you end the affair and want to come then part of that might be feeling like the partner needs to know. It should fall to the person doing the cheating. But you can't always trust they will do it. So that leaves you either in the uncomfortable role of saying something yourself or of being silent and complicit. It's a personal call on what you are comfortable with and can live with.

Personally, I'm on the side of truth. I think the partner should know. They can believe it or not, do with it as they will. But it's better they be warned then continue to live in ignorance and not be aware of the facts. This at least gives them the opportunity to do something, putting the choice in their hands.

Never had an affair or been the one cheated on. But I have been the one to reveal an affair to someone. They didn't beleve me and the cheater continued to lie about it, saying I made it up. I was fine with it. I made the right choice and tried to help a person avoid making a mistake with someone who didn't really love her like he said. I tried to give them a chance to work on a relationship that obviously had issues. If they didn't want to listen, then they were the ones that were going to have to suffer later on. But I could walk away knowing I tried and that I fought for honesty and real love.

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sadly, I think No. 3 is most popular but then like most things, the BP finds out one way or another, which of course makes it much worse and any chance of working things out after that is slim to none.

I have never cheated but IF I ever did, I think I would tell my partner, and if he didn't hate my guts and was open to counseling, would take that route

In agreement. Sadly, No 3 is probably what most people would prefer while No 2 is what actually stands the best chance of success.

If I was in that position, I don't think I could stand myself unless I did tell her. Would hope she was willing to work on things, but wouldn't blame her if she didn't.

Saw a story a few months ago about about a woman who had an affair but called it off over feeling guilty. She kept it a secret for ten years before deciding to come clean. Turns out he had known the whole time. He had forgiven her after she ended things, but hadn't wanted to say anything, figuring she would tell him one day when she was ready.

I doubt most people would be that understanding and forgiving. But it's something to strive for.

[Batya33]

The problem I also have with motive is the person involved in the affair -especially if they are also married -is acting selfishly to begin with so it's harder for that person to be honest with themselves about motive since they already are acting in such a selfish way.  

I had a friend who engaged in affairs, etc.  Not while I knew her. She knew I was possibly getting back together with an ex and we were dating (not my husband, different person).  She was in a volunteer activity with my date and others.  I knew he was dating others just didn't know who.  Not cheating - we weren't back together yet.  

She told me one day that a woman in her group told her she was dating my ex and it was "serious." Not exclusive just serious.  But my friend knew I was dating others as was my ex.  When I probed further it turns out she told me mostly because she wanted to become more friendly with this woman so she wanted me to know. So -selfish reasons.  Hurtful to me because I wasn't being cheated on, who cares what this woman thought, plus it was TMI - I didn't need to know who she was.  I did know to ask her true motives because at that point in our friendship she'd said a few things/done a few things I wasn't comfortable with.  

So explore the motives plus the real possibility the spouse already knows and might also be cheating so it's all "good"

[yogacat]

15 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I actually knew of a situation just like this^.  An acquaintance at work was having an affair with another attorney who was married.  The acquaintance told the wife, the wife kicked her husband out and shortly thereafter the acquaintance and the guy were living together.

I believe they got engaged but not sure if they actually got married because the firm went belly up and we were all laid off and found other jobs.

My suspicion was the hubs orchestrated it because he was too cowardly to admit to his wife himself and he wanted her to kick him out so he could be with his lover.

Oh yes, that certainly happens.

In contrast, a couple were married for 20 years --> the wife cheated and he wanted nothing to do with her afterwards (she still tries to get back with him but he wanted no part of it, and now he's in a new relationship and lives with a new woman).

She (the wife) didn't tell him nor did the affair partner, her husband found out on his own accord.

He felt like she destroyed his life. Everything they built together, the affects on their children, it all wiped away in a flash in the pan.

Which, cheating often does that.

At least in the moment, we feel destroyed.  

Anyhow, another couple the male fiancé was unfaithful to his girl (the "loss of his life" as he referred it) and has been trying to get her back for years. She found out by accident.

He didn't want to be with the woman he cheated on her with but his partner was adamant about not taking him back....😉 The trust was forever lost. And I view trust as a gift, so it's understandable if it's no longer given.

I won't write anyone off or say what they may or may not do, we are all dissimilarly unique.

But I feel in most cases, if the person in the affair (i.e. 'the other woman/man') is wanting to tell so they 'leave the spouse and be with them,' that's usually not the best idea.

We might hope the main relationship ends and we can be together. But what does that say about us? What we're willing to do? What kind of person are we?

Or, maybe the person wants revenge, or they feel guilty. But weighing those last two reasons, are they even good reasons to tell? How does that fix anything?

I realize affairs are a turbulent ride filled with emotion, stress, secrecy, and I suppose that's what makes them so exciting. Saldy it leaves a lot of lives affected in the wake.

People are people. People are flawed, imperfect, and capable of falling into behaviors that are not easily understood by mind or heart, especially when influenced or controlled by sexual dominance and infatuation; and other immoral biases.

With affairs, it's easy to get caught up in the emotion, needing to express oneself to anyone willing to listen about the turmoil and stresses in life by keeping the secret. Unfortunately, too many go too far, acting instead of thinking, and hurt themselves and others, permanently.

[LotusBlack]

About 14 years ago, I became involved with a man I’d been friends with for about 6 years. We’d met through a mutual friend and after about 2 years he expressed his interest in me, which I didn’t reciprocate and I made that clear.

I severed contact for a while, years, then reached out in the hopes his feelings had changed, as he was genuinely a great person and friend, I believed. All seemed fine. I told him about my planned travel to Europe for some archaeological field work and he was shocked and said that was a fortunate coincidence, as he’d planned a trip for the same time in the same general area and suggested we link up for part of our respective travels.

And, several months later we did. One day, he suddenly pulled me into an intimate embrace and kissed me without warning when I’d been walking past him. I was taken aback, felt like a deer in headlights and let him kiss me because I didn’t know how to react. I felt so uncomfortable. I then found myself in a relationship type of situation that didn’t feel right at all, but ignored it and went with the flow (actively participated even) because I didn’t know how to say “no” when directly confronted with a physical and/or emotional situation. 

He told me during the trip that he’d been seeing a woman (ironically with the same name as me) before he left for the trip but had ended things with her many times but she was refusing to accept that. He said she was a great person, but had some mental health issues she was struggling with and had attached herself to him. I’d known this guy for so long and our mutual friend vouched for him. So, I felt his previous situation was none of my business. I also still felt trapped in the situation.

Anyway, our time together ended and he  confessed his love for me, which I denied and I remember literally pushing him away from me when he told me. I got on a train and left without looking back. Only to learn several days later that he’d come after me in the next country to surprise me, as he messaged me out of the blue that he was down the street wishing in the snow and would continue to wait there until I came.

I spent a few days with him and then he left back to the U.S. and I continued onto my field work. Then he went radio silent. Every few months he’d call me, upset and begging me to understand that he had some issues to work through but he loved me and I was his person. I paid no attention to that and never entertained anything with him again despite his frequent attempts. I blocked him and rarely thought of him after that. But, I always wondered about the woman he’d been seeing and if I had unwittingly been the “other woman”. I had no indication that that had been the case, but I felt in my gut that perhaps that was the situation. 

A few years after that, I found out he was now engaged to that same woman. So, I strongly, strongly suspect that he cheated on her with me and lied to us both. I detest all levels of infidelity and feel sick at the thought I might have been involved with someone who was already involved with someone else. It makes me feel violated in a way. I thought I had been okay to be with him because of our long time knowing each other and our mutual friend endorsing him. 

Looking back, I also now recognise I didn’t really consent to being with him. He pulled me into him and kissed me unexpectedly and I froze. After that, I felt too uncomfortable to voice my objections and basically gaslit myself into going along with it because I felt like I should, that that would be the normal, “right” thing to do. I didn’t recognise that until years later, though. I sometimes wonder if that experience was assault because I never agreed verbally and didn’t want any of it. But then I think it can’t have been because at some points I actively participated in the relationship and dates even though I didn’t want it. No idea. Can adults be groomed? That’s what it felt like.

But, now and again this woman pops into my mind and I wonder if I should tell her about that Europe trip. Maybe they were together at the time, maybe they weren’t. If they were, maybe she has no idea what happened and I believe that she has the right to make an informed decision about marrying someone with all the facts. He’s a disgusting human being. Morally, I want to tell her and give her the choice to make up her own mind about what to do or not do. But, I consider the fact it was so many years ago and she’s with him after all this time and I’m sure there would be other indicators in his life about his character that she’d surely notice by now and yet she is still there. Plus, I can’t see how anything I may say will be received in a light of wanting to help. Surely it would be taken as a woman with a grudge who wants to tarnish a man’s name and reputation, especially after all this time.

He’s on the other side of the world. It was over a decade ago. So, I let it be. But, if I’d known shortly after the trip that they’d gotten back together (if indeed they’d ever even broken up), I’d have told her about us just in case he had, in fact, been cheating and let her decide for herself what she wants to do. I think it’s the ethical thing to do.

But, as an affair partner who knowingly participated in an affair…well, I think leave that wife/husband alone and do not seek to tell them because it isn’t coming from a place of integrity, otherwise they’d not have entered into an affair in the first place. That partner still definitely has the right to know and should know, but not from the affair partner.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

But, if I’d known shortly after the trip that they’d gotten back together (if indeed they’d ever even broken up), I’d have told her about us just in case he had, in fact, been cheating and let her decide for herself what she wants to do. I think it’s the ethical thing to do.

That is such a  tough situation.  I'm so sorry all of that happened to you.

I quote you but my anecdote doesn't even come close -but made me think.....many years ago I contacted a man on a dating site (this is not the same man I've written about recently who I declined to meet as he'd dated my friend).  I did NOT recognize him from the photos.  But apparently he was the on again off again ex boyfriend and fiancee of an acquaintance of mine -except she also was a former childhood friend.  I then realized who he was and messaged him that we shouldn't speak. But he asked to speak to me (I'd met him once in person years earlier).  He called and told me he and my friend were not together and he really wanted to meet me.  I said no.  Then apparently he told his ex that I'd contacted him (true) and wanted to meet him (not true). She called me and wasn't mad at me but believed him - I hadn't contacted her about what happened.  I did not tell her he lied to her.  She also had some lame reason why he was on the dating site other than wanting to date -who knows.  They've now been married many years.  I didn't see the point in he said she said -they'd had a turbulent relationship, she knew he was on a dating site - and -what was the point.  I always viewed him as a shady character.  It's not easy, right?

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

That is such a  tough situation.  I'm so sorry all of that happened to you.

I quote you but my anecdote doesn't even come close -but made me think.....many years ago I contacted a man on a dating site (this is not the same man I've written about recently who I declined to meet as he'd dated my friend).  I did NOT recognize him from the photos.  But apparently he was the on again off again ex boyfriend and fiancee of an acquaintance of mine -except she also was a former childhood friend.  I then realized who he was and messaged him that we shouldn't speak. But he asked to speak to me (I'd met him once in person years earlier).  He called and told me he and my friend were not together and he really wanted to meet me.  I said no.  Then apparently he told his ex that I'd contacted him (true) and wanted to meet him (not true). She called me and wasn't mad at me but believed him - I hadn't contacted her about what happened.  I did not tell her he lied to her.  She also had some lame reason why he was on the dating site other than wanting to date -who knows.  They've now been married many years.  I didn't see the point in he said she said -they'd had a turbulent relationship, she knew he was on a dating site - and -what was the point.  I always viewed him as a shady character.  It's not easy, right?

Yeah, it’s definitely not easy in either situation. I think both situations are similar in that these women have been with these men for a long, long time and there are surely other instances in their relationships where the men’s characters are certainly very clear even if particular events are unknown to the women. If they choose to look past those character flaws or behaviours, then I think it is no longer my place to say something. Because, even if I did, I likely wouldn’t be believed, or they’d make an excuse to justify what happened. 

 

[Openreach]

On 8/2/2024 at 11:55 PM, Capricorn3 said:

Interesting question.  OP, are you planning to tell your affair partner's husband about her cheating on him with you?  If so, why?

I'm not telling anyone anything but just asking the question if it would ever be morally right for an affair partner to tell. For instance if multiple AP's were told the other person was single and by carefully choosing victims they were getting away with having sex with multiple people over the course of many years as a predatory narcissist with a sex addiction for example.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, Openreach said:

I'm not telling anyone anything but just asking the question if it would ever be morally right for an affair partner to tell. For instance if multiple AP's were told the other person was single and by carefully choosing victims they were getting away with having sex with multiple people over the course of many years as a predatory narcissist with a sex addiction for example.

I would tell if my motive was to prevent physical harm including to the person’s family or loved ones. Because that’s more fact based than speculation over emotional impact. For example if someone having an affair found out he was HIV positive yes maybe let the wife know so she can protect herself. 

[Openreach]

And so in the situation i described the predatory sex addicted narcissist just gets away with it. Cheating on the oblivious partner and cheating dozens of other innocent people too. And as someone who knows about but stays silent does that make them complicit in the suffering and exploitation by not informing? Not good for the conscience?

Its a tough one for sure

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Openreach said:

And so in the situation i described the predatory sex addicted narcissist just gets away with it. Cheating on the oblivious partner and cheating dozens of other innocent people too. And as someone who knows about but stays silent does that make them complicit in the suffering and exploitation by not informing? Not good for the conscience?

^^This is a completely different scenario from what you presented in your initial post.

JMO but if a married man (or woman) who is a predatory sex addict and having sex with dozens of randoms, I highly suspect their wife/husband/partner already knows. 

Sure telling the wife/husband of the predatory sex addict may morally be the "right" thing to do, but they may also resent you butting into their private personal business, especially since in a case like that, again they probably already know.

A "narcissistic" sex-addict can't hide that type of predatory behavior, not for long anyway, imo.

Their partner knows and dealing with it, either individually, as a couple or both.

 

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, Openreach said:

And so in the situation i described the predatory sex addicted narcissist just gets away with it. Cheating on the oblivious partner and cheating dozens of other innocent people too. And as someone who knows about but stays silent does that make them complicit in the suffering and exploitation by not informing? Not good for the conscience?

Its a tough one for sure

There are to many variables to come to a definitive answer. In some cases it is best to tell. In other cases, it isn't. 

I think there are actually two questions here. One, what is the moral thing to do? Two, what would be the result? Those are separate issues. 

Personally, I believe the moral thing is to tell. Rather it does anything or the person believes you, its not something you can control. But if you are solely focused on morals and ethics, revealing the cheating and bringing everything to light is the only way to fully start making things right again.

Your example gets to the extreme side of the issue. I would be concerned for the partner being with someone '''predatory.''  This kind of example would likely to have many other issues going on between the couple that you would not be aware of. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/2/2024 at 2:35 AM, Openreach said:

 

Have you ever told your affair partners Wife/Husband/Partner about your affair?

If so what happened and did you regret it afterwards

 

I'm bumping this thread because I'm watching a movie on Netflix as I write this (it's on pause) about this exact topic. 

What happened was a married man was having an affair with his female colleage; he broke it off, she threatened to tell his wife and he killed her!

At least that's how it appears right now, a quarter of the way in.

And what's REALLY interesting is that his wife, who is an attorney, is defending him!

Anyway, didn't see that this was mentioned, the possibility that if an AP threatens to tell the betrayed wife, she (the AP) may end up dead.

OK back to movie! 😂

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Anyway, didn't see that this was mentioned, the possibility that if an AP threatens to tell the betrayed wife, she (the AP) may end up dead.

Yep, I watch a lot of Forensic Files, so that occurred to me. Even if that's not the case, why create an enemy, which creates a need to look over your shoulder all the time? If I were to run into the AP at a grocery store, and I've made no threats and I didn't attempt to harm him, he's become a nit I can swat away rather than a monster who might slash my tires in the parking lot.