I confessed my feelings to a friend

[Terminator]

I confessed my feelings to a longtime friend. We're both in our 30s and I've been in love with her for a couple of years. She was married, but her husband and her mutually decided to break up.

I knew she's not interested in me in a romantic or sexual way, but I feel like that's for the best because I don't think it would work between us. So I don't know why I told her. Maybe to get it off my chest.

She said something like: "I had no idea you liked me. I'm flattered, and you're a really good guy, but we're too different and it wouldn't work. I love you as a friend and I want us to remain friends". That's what I expected, and kinda what I hoped for. We then joked a bit and agreed "maybe in another life".

I must admit I feel better now. I really got it off my chest. But I'm not sure what to do. Should we actually remain friends? I still have some kind of feelings for her, but I know we'll never be together, and that's ok. I wish her all the best, to be happy, and to find the right man after a troubled marriage. I'm ok if that's not me. Is that platonic love, or what?

So what should I do? She explicitly said she want us to remain friends. In fact, we're keeping in touch as usual. Would you remain friend?

[DarkCh0c0]

32 minutes ago, Terminator said:

So what should I do? She explicitly said she want us to remain friends. In fact, we're keeping in touch as usual. Would you remain friend

Do what you are comfortable doing.

I would suggest you take some time and space away from her to resolve and process your feelings and move on to be able to start seeking other women. Time and some distance will be your friends.

She will ofc say "please let's stay friends". She's trying to soften the blow and she values your friendship. But again, do it at your own pace and time.

[Terminator]

26 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Do what you are comfortable doing.

I would suggest you take some time and space away from her to resolve and process your feelings and move on to be able to start seeking other women. Time and some distance will be your friends.

She will ofc say "please let's stay friends". She's trying to soften the blow and she values your friendship. But again, do it at your own pace and time.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I will seek other women. I don't want to chase her if she doesn't love me back the way I do. And even if she did, as we both agreed, a romantic or sexual relationship probably wouldn't work. Whether a friendship can still work, I guess time will tell.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Terminator said:

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I will seek other women. I don't want to chase her if she doesn't love me back the way I do. And even if she did, as we both agreed, a romantic or sexual relationship probably wouldn't work. Whether a friendship can still work, I guess time will tell.

It can work if you're happy and comfortable to hear about men she would like to date or is  dating.  I like how transparent and honest she was with you.  Maybe she has a friend to set you up with?

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, Terminator said:

I've been in love with her for a couple of years.

To help yourself psychologically, I'd not think in those terms. IMO, you cared about her and found her looks and personality attractive and wanted more, but I never think you can be in love with someone when it's one-sided and you've never dated. Your situation would be called having a crush.

If you look back on the last 2 years, you were likely pouring emotional time and energy into her, which prevented you from spending the time more wisely by seeking out dating prospects. You can't bond with another woman when you've allowed yourself to bond in infatuation with a woman who will never return that sort of affection.

Addressing something you might not have considered is the future woman in your life. Don't think she won't ask you if you've ever wanted to date your female buddy, and that she won't walk away when she gets that honest answer from you. (No, don't lie.) Women are usually intuitive and will get that vibe from you. I wouldn't be in a relationship with a guy who hung out and communicated with a female buddy he thought he was once in love with. There might be some women who won't be bothered by that, but I believe that would encompass a smaller pool.

Good luck in moving forward.

[Kwothe28]

I think you would kinda need to separate for a while. As long as she is in your life, you wont be moving forward. For example, what if tomorrow she starts dating? Would you be concerned seeing her and another man together.

No matter what you expected, your feelings are kinda still there otherwise you wouldn't confess. And until you dont sort that out, you cant be friends like you used to. Besides, imagine if you start dating. How would the other person feel being around someone who you had feelings for? Lots of ENA threads deal with that exact issues. And people keeping exes or just people who they had feelings for around them. 

[ShySoul]

19 hours ago, Terminator said:

She explicitly said she want us to remain friends. In fact, we're keeping in touch as usual.

Why even question it? She wants ro be friends. You want to be friends. You have been friends for years. You are continuing to be friends right now. All signs point to this being a really strong friendship that will endure. There is no drama or issues. You are both okay with things as they are. So don't make it into something it's not and just enjoy the incredible and rare thing you have.

19 hours ago, Terminator said:

I still have some kind of feelings for her, but I know we'll never be together, and that's ok. I wish her all the best, to be happy, and to find the right man after a troubled marriage. I'm ok if that's not me. Is that platonic love, or what?

If this is true, you have already moved on. Yes, there might be some romantic feelings left. And there probably always will be. If you truly love someone, you will always love them. There will probably always be a lingering thought of "wouldn't it have been nice." But you have accepted that it is better to remain friends. You are showing her true love, wanting her happiness above all else.

You aren't pining aways for her, hoping she will change her mind. This isn't going to hold you back should you meet someone else. If anything, I think you would both be happy for the other should they find someone and even encourage it.

You confessed your feelings because you needed to. It cleared the air and let you get it out. Even knowing it wasn't likely, you had to say it so it wouldn't be weighing on you anymore. Now that you have, you can breath a sigh of relief. You can continue the friendship without those feelings looming over it. 

Honestly, this is one of the most mature stories I've read of people dealing with feelings. You both did things perfectly and were open and honest with each other. That is exactly why you will be able to remain close friends who do love each other, if only platonically.

[shouldhavelearned]

Be the best friend you can be and see where it goes.

She might introduce you to someone or vice versa.

[MissCanuck]

I would take a step back from the friendship. 

The reason? It will likely hurt when she starts dating someone else. Let your feelings fade a bit and then maybe you can resume the friendship. 

[ShySoul]

On 8/1/2024 at 12:41 AM, Terminator said:

She explicitly said she want us to remain friends. In fact, we're keeping in touch as usual.

If it ain't broke, why fix it?

You were her friend while she was married. You've already experienced what it is like to see her with someone else. You never really expected her to want to be with you. You even hoped she would say no. Doesn't sound like you would experience that much hardship should she find another relationship. 

So why remove yourself from what seems like a really nice, caring, open, and honest friendship?

[AuthenticSelf]

I would think it depends on how you tell her you like her. 

I am not sure if you had started liking her before she got married or after. But that would be crucial. If you start way before that, it is just too long. You should not wait till she got divorce to express your feeling. 

If you just liked her, expressing your feeling to her is too early. 

She was still had the bad feeling from the separation. Maybe give her time and just hang out like normal. However, you want to start to do things a boyfriend would do to just test the water with her. 

Anyway, just move on with someone else. If she is cool with being friends with you, just act normal like nothing happens. 

[redswim30]

I don't mean this in a condescending way at ALL- but, often times people mistake platonic love, respect, and caring for someone deeply as romantic love. 

I actually hate that society pounds into us the idea that if a man and woman deeply care for each other or love each as people, it has to be quantified as romantic love.  Love has so many forms. 

OP, you yourself said something I want to point out to you.  You said her response is what you were hoping for.  So I wonder why you felt this sense of relief, perhaps it's because you know deep down that you are not romantically compatible. 

If you feel okay with genuinely being friends with her without harboring hope of a romance, then I see no reason why you can't still be friends.  

[ShySoul]

Terminator, I hope you are continuing to have a freindship with this person. It sounds like you had a very deep and caring love for each other. Hopefully you have both been able to get through this little hiccup and continue on as the great friends you have always been.

[yogacat]

I've been friends with someone for fifteen years that confessed their feelings for me. It was weird at first but we managed to remain friends. He is now in a fab relationship with a wonderful woman. This exchange of feelings shouldn't put a huge wrench in an otherwise good, longtime friendship.

When it comes to matters of the heart, you really can't control who you fall for. She wants to remain friends so that means she isn't about to 86 you from her life.

It will feel weird at first but it'll go back to normal so give yourself some time and space to get over your feelings. When those feelings gradually dissipate, you might feel comfortable enough to resume your friendship without those feelings getting in the way.