Girl I'm Newly Dating Was In A Orgy With Her Male Best Friend Before We Met

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Waylen Jones said:

Yeah there is really no perfect way or time to explain this to someone you are dating imo.

No worries! Thank you for all your contributions to it!

Sure there is - you can keep your past private unless it's necessary -unless she wanted you to be in an orgy with you, or she had an STD, etc.  Obviously she didn't get pregnant from it.  

I like Carly Simon's song "We have no secrets" on this topic.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

If I was going to tell someone about it, I would wait until the relationship has taken on a more serious tone and then tell them during a serious conversation. That seems to me to be a more respectful way of handling a bombshell like that.

I understand the rationale for why she chose to tell you early, I think if you were to ask her it would be for reassurance that you can handle the truth, because she desperately wants you to be okay with it and doesn't want to be sitting on it for the long haul.

I do think it's telling she told you because she wants you to be okay with it and know she made a decision a year ago that's not in keeping with how she chooses to act.

Yes, could be - it's the recent past so perhaps she's not entirely against it happening again either with them or other friends of hers. Also I'd discuss with her when appropriate if you want her to be discreet about how you two are intimate since she was comfortable giving you all this information.

[Waylen Jones]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No it doesn't need to.  Adults who care about their partners don't want to hurt them unnecessarily.  We've been married over 15 years and we would never ever mention our past sex lives to each other -or ask.  I'm not a fan of the whole I was just being honest when it's tacky oversharing.

I am also biased because like I said I wouldn't have dated someone who as an adult chose to have that experience she did -maybe as a teen or in college etc -stuff happens - but for me personally it wouldn't align with what I was looking for in a long term partner.  I had a second date once where he told me he'd recently ended a sexual arrangement where they slept together about once a week.  I wasn't comfortable that he told me or that he'd had that arrangement.

Does your husband still go out of town or go over to his exes house for a drink without you there? I think that is one of the biggest differences here.

Also when it happened she was still in college. It was with her university friends.

[yogacat]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, could be - it's the recent past so perhaps she's not entirely against it happening again either with them or other friends of hers. Also I'd discuss with her when appropriate if you want her to be discreet about how you two are intimate since she was comfortable giving you all this information.

I was thinking that too.. I heard of a couple that the one partner had done something similar very recently and asked their partner if they were willing to partake in group/open sex and the partner wanted nothing to do with it and left the relationship.

[Tinydance]

To be honest I actually don't think that anyone can really tell you how you should feel about this. As you can see, opinions on this can differ and you received slightly different responses. Personally I don't think it would bother me to the extent of ending the relationship. But I'm probably saying this as someone who is also bisexual and in the past did do some stuff like this with some of my friends. But it was a long time ago and wasn't recent.

I don't have a right to tell you how to feel about this, as that's up to you. I know when I did something like this, usually it was at some kind of party or yeah trip away. And we were drinking and decided to experiment etc. I didn't have feelings for my friends either but it was more like a spur of the moment thing. But having said that, I'm not saying that you should be fine with it and it shouldn't bother you. I know it would bother many people.

This is just the way that I can relate to her situation. If she was single and she was on holiday, they were partying and she thought her friend's girlfriend was hot, so she did that. I don't think someone would necessarily have feelings for people they did that with. If it's meant to be just sex and experimenting then many people can keep that separate. Like when people have FWB and it's just sex.

You were talking about values though and that's what I would actually focus on. There are people for example who have had a threesome or slept with a lot of people. But there are also people who have slept with only a couple of people, would never have a threesome, wouldn't have sex before marriage, and so on. So I imagine a person like that probably might not want to have a partner who has had an orgy, likes to party and so on. I think it's about different experiences, different beliefs and values. If what this girl did makes you feel very uncomfortable and you can't move past it, that's OK. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone because they're valid.

I think also you might have realised that this girl has skeletons in her closet and she's not perfect as you initially thought. You were thinking to move to be with her and now you've found out a different side of her. And you're questioning if she's the right person for you. That's up to you to decide.

[Tinydance]

16 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I was thinking that too.. I heard of a couple that the one partner had done something similar very recently and asked their partner if they were willing to partake in group/open sex and the partner wanted nothing to do with it and left the relationship.

Well I know that some people feel really put off by the idea of threesome and all that kind of stuff. But I actually have close friends who are a male and female couple and they met each other at a swingers party. They've been together for a few years now and they're polyamorous. They continue to attend swingers parties and live that kind of lifestyle. So I'm just providing a different perspective that some people are into that but both people need to be into it. But personally I don't view it as bad but it's what those people want to do and both people consent to it.

[yogacat]

44 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I know that some people feel really put off by the idea of threesome and all that kind of stuff. But I actually have close friends who are a male and female couple and they met each other at a swingers party. They've been together for a few years now and they're polyamorous. They continue to attend swingers parties and live that kind of lifestyle. So I'm just providing a different perspective that some people are into that but both people need to be into it. But personally I don't view it as bad but it's what those people want to do and both people consent to it.

Nothing wrong with that lifestyle if you're 100% on board. It was the man in my story that wasn't on board and wanted out.

Right said. People can be okay with these kinds of things living that lifestyle but this type of thing has to be negotiated beforehand and if one person is not on board then it's not something to be forced.

If OP were more able to compartmentalize more easily, he'd probably not be seeking advice and solace from the lounge to the extent he is. It is a rough start.

Whatever the reasoning, ultimately, what matters isn’t (hypothetically) the first person she slept with but the last. Which prior to you, is her best friend, which is very much a part of her life still. So you're going to have to be okay with that friend because he's going to have been part of her life for a very long time. He will always be part of her life.

Well, since moving forward; perhaps meet her 'Male best friend' and introduce yourself to her various friends as a couple (when/if). 

[Tinydance]

26 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Nothing wrong with that lifestyle if you're 100% on board. It was the man in my story that wasn't on board and wanted out.

Right said. People can be okay with these kinds of things living that lifestyle but this type of thing has to be negotiated beforehand and if one person is not on board then it's not something to be forced.

If OP were more able to compartmentalize more easily, he'd probably not be seeking advice and solace from the lounge to the extent he is. It is a rough start.

Whatever the reasoning, ultimately, what matters isn’t (hypothetically) the first person she slept with but the last. Which prior to you, is her best friend, which is very much a part of her life still. So you're going to have to be okay with that friend because he's going to have been part of her life for a very long time. He will always be part of her life.

Well, since moving forward; perhaps meet her 'Male best friend' and introduce yourself to her various friends as a couple (when/if). 

I agree, it shouldn't be forced and OP doesn't HAVE to be OK with it. I mean I understand it's different to something like "I've had ten one night stands". Because this isn't just some random she never saw again but someone who's been in her life a long time. So I totally get that. I agree it's probably a good idea to meet her friends to see what these people are actually like. 

I think what's important as well is deciding if someone's lifestyle is compatible to yours. Like, if her and get friends did that orgy as just a one off. Or is it something they seem to do regularly or would do again? And would OP's girlfriend want to do it again? I think it's all part of getting to know a person.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think what's important as well is deciding if someone's lifestyle is compatible to yours. Like, if her and get friends did that orgy as just a one off. Or is it something they seem to do regularly or would do again? And would OP's girlfriend want to do it again? I think it's all part of getting to know a person.

@Tinydanceyour posts make a lot of sense and I agree with most (if not all) of what you posted.  

However, with respect to what's quoted above, @Waylen Jonesdid post in his initial post that this was a total one-off, that she has no intention or desire to do any of it again and she told both her male friend and his girlfriend the same thing.

See below, I think it's important and adds necessary context to this entire discussion.

On 7/31/2024 at 6:32 PM, Waylen Jones said:

Lastly, she said to me that after the trip was over she told her male best friend and his GF that she never wants to do anything again with them because she wants to keep their old friendship the way it was, and she also doesn't want to make it difficult to be with future partners (like myself) knowing they did that and are still friends. In her words, he has apparently respected her wishes and has not made any moves on her since they've been back and now they pretty much act as if it never happened.

As such, this is not a lifestyle issue or difference, but rather a "one and done" that happened a year ago when she was single and like you, "experimenting" a bit during a crazy vacation on an exotic island.

That is what he needs to decide if he can live with, imo.

He also stated that she has 9/10 of the values and qualities he seeks in a long term girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Tinydanceyour posts make a lot of sense and I agree with most (if not all) of what you posted.  

However, with respect to what's quoted above, @Waylen Jonesdid post in his initial post that this was a total one-off, that she has no intention or desire to do any of it again and she told both her male friend and his girlfriend the same thing.

See below, I think it's important and adds necessary context to this entire discussion.

As such, this is not a lifestyle issue or difference, but rather a "one and done" that happened a year ago when she was single and like you, "experimenting" a bit during a crazy vacation on an exotic island.

That is what he needs to decide if he can live with, imo.

He also stated that she has 9/10 of the values and qualities he seeks in a long term girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

Well to be honest if it was me, it wouldn't bother me too much. But again we are talking about experiences and I've had the same experiences as his GF. For example if someone says: "I've slept with 50 people" but their partner slept with like 40 people, the partner might not care. But someone who's only slept with a couple of people might be shocked by it. 

I actually can also relate to that experimenting mindset and especially if you're young. This might sound weird but I for some reason don't think of having a threesome or orgy as particularly intimate or emotional. I think of only one-on-one sex as being truly intimate. So in my mind I really separate that.

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well to be honest if it was me, it wouldn't bother me too much. But again we are talking about experiences and I've had the same experiences as his GF. For example if someone says: "I've slept with 50 people" but their partner slept with like 40 people, the partner might not care. But someone who's only slept with a couple of people might be shocked by it. 

I actually can also relate to that experimenting mindset and especially if you're young. This might sound weird but I for some reason don't think of having a threesome or orgy as particularly intimate or emotional. I think of only one-on-one sex as being truly intimate. So in my mind I really separate that.

I have not had experienced said experiences so of course I view this a bit differently.

I've been approached by people that wanted to experiment with me in a 'more than one person setting,' not my cup of tea, but to each its own.

If OP you have similar experiences as your GF does then need to cut her some slack about these things, if not you're within every right to feel as you do.

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well to be honest if it was me, it wouldn't bother me too much. But again we are talking about experiences and I've had the same experiences as his GF. For example if someone says: "I've slept with 50 people" but their partner slept with like 40 people, the partner might not care. But someone who's only slept with a couple of people might be shocked by it. 

^Agree and as stated earlier, when my bff and I were traveling through Europe years ago with basically nothing but a knapsack and duffel bag, no real itinerary, sleeping on trains etc, we did some "experimenting" (with each other), she's been my bff since third grade, we are both totally straight! 

There is something about traveling to either a foreign country or exotic island that causes some people want to "let loose" and try something new on, it's a total one and done.  And once back on their home turf, it all goes back to standard.

And neither of us have a particular high "notch count" and both into LTRs.

Re what's bolded above, again to requote something in OP's initial post.

On 7/31/2024 at 6:32 PM, Waylen Jones said:

She has not been with many men sexually in her life so this trip was one of those crazy vacation moments.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, yogacat said:

you're within every right to feel as you do.

Yoga, no one has even suggested he doesn't have the right to feel as he does, it's unclear why you keep posting this.

Of course he has the right to feel whatever he feels, there is no wrong or right about that, we all do, each and every one of us.

 

[yogacat]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Yoga, no one has even suggested he doesn't have the right to feel as he does, it's unclear why you keep posting this.

Of course he has the right to feel whatever he feels, there is no wrong or right about that, we all do, each and every one of us.

 

Just stating my opinion, thanks.

[shouldhavelearned]

You wanted to know until you didn't want to know 

[MissCanuck]

I think some posters here are more upset about the thread even than OP himself. 

Yeesh, guys. 

[littleredfox]

I Can understand your concerns on this situation .However it is only the male friend interaction that is concerning for you .

Yet nothing is mentioned about the women that were involved ? Which I personally would have felt more intimidated  by .  Seeing as she she has already admitted she is Bisexual .which you have accepted and have no concerns with.

You also said that you have done your fair share of adventurous and daring episodes. She has also been open and honest and has confessed very early on the relationship. I don't believe there is any chance of this happening again .As she has plainly stated this and it was a while ago. 

I would enjoy and be assured at what she says  about this experience. I do not see this as a threat to either of you. It's just that he is a close friend to her and you feel.intimidated by this . Maybe it's the male.ego and competitiveness. Which is making you doubt . However she is bi and if your ok with maybe another female well that's something maybe you should discuss.

Whatever you are thinking I wouldn't let this man be a problem.at all. Sounds like your both happy and she has been honest .

 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

To be honest I actually don't think that anyone can really tell you how you should feel about this. As you can see, opinions on this can differ and you received slightly different responses. Personally I don't think it would bother me to the extent of ending the relationship. But I'm probably saying this as someone who is also bisexual and in the past did do some stuff like this with some of my friends. But it was a long time ago and wasn't recent.

I don't have a right to tell you how to feel about this, as that's up to you. I know when I did something like this, usually it was at some kind of party or yeah trip away. And we were drinking and decided to experiment etc. I didn't have feelings for my friends either but it was more like a spur of the moment thing. But having said that, I'm not saying that you should be fine with it and it shouldn't bother you. I know it would bother many people.

This is just the way that I can relate to her situation. If she was single and she was on holiday, they were partying and she thought her friend's girlfriend was hot, so she did that. I don't think someone would necessarily have feelings for people they did that with. If it's meant to be just sex and experimenting then many people can keep that separate. Like when people have FWB and it's just sex.

You were talking about values though and that's what I would actually focus on. There are people for example who have had a threesome or slept with a lot of people. But there are also people who have slept with only a couple of people, would never have a threesome, wouldn't have sex before marriage, and so on. So I imagine a person like that probably might not want to have a partner who has had an orgy, likes to party and so on. I think it's about different experiences, different beliefs and values. If what this girl did makes you feel very uncomfortable and you can't move past it, that's OK. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone because they're valid.

I think also you might have realised that this girl has skeletons in her closet and she's not perfect as you initially thought. You were thinking to move to be with her and now you've found out a different side of her. And you're questioning if she's the right person for you. That's up to you to decide.

All of this.  From the first sentence on (Except I didn't experiment that way -although my dear friend did, was bisexual and told her future husband she was but wanted to be married to a man -fully committed.  She told me she told him early on but they also got engaged after 3 months of dating, married a couple of months later.  He was fine with it.  Later when they divorced he was not fine with it.)

The man I dated whose ex girflriend was pregnant -he told me he lost friends over it who thought he should marry her.  So you see it varies so much as Tinydance said.  I didn't judge it in that way at all.  However once the baby arrived and I saw the situation I knew it wasn't for me. 

So when there is something atypical/unusual know that it might take you time to process and situations might factor in.  For example you might be all good with it -until you meet him - and then if for example he is flirtatious or you find yourself too focused on picturing what she can't un-see for you and you can't either -you might realize it's not for  you.  I had to see someone's anger disorder in person after three months of dating to end things -it wasn't directed to me and in part he had played down the issue. Like she might be -even inadvertently -she calls him her best friend but you have to see them interact to know how that is in reality.   

And you don't know her well enough at all to know if this is a one off.  She may not even know.  I invited a man back to my room I shared with a roommate (wall in between) when he was drunk at a club med resort after we'd been kissing outside.  Likely would not have done this at home including logistically - you have time to think before you make a decision like that.  A poor decision IMO.  And it was -he assaulted me, could have raped me (as he told me before he passed out drunk he could have forced me since he was bigger than me, nice -oh and he was an educated clean cut type). 

Obviously my husband doesn't know -it happened when I was single in my late 20s I think about a year prior to my dating my husband the first time.  I know for sure -after that happened -that I wouldn't do something so stupid again - and I was sober and yes I was experimenting with hooking up.  I'd just finished grad school etc.  I felt confident I wouldn't put myself in harm's way again like that and of course after that trip I never saw him again nor had any reason to.  Nor did I have any reason to tell my husband. Yes I've told certain girlfriends and told my roommate about it next day.  Big difference though.