Girl I'm Newly Dating Was In A Orgy With Her Male Best Friend Before We Met

[catfeeder]

Just now, Waylen Jones said:

I agree taking it slower than I originally wanted might be best.

Yep, sounds like a reasonable middle ground. If you force yourself to operate on a snap judgment, you're stuck with that outcome and may regret it. Feel your way through this, and if it turns out to weigh too heavily on you, you'll be able to make that decision as you cross that bridge.

[Waylen Jones]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm not castorizing him, I'm stating an opinion.

He did say he was seeking ways to get past this, past his jealousy and allowing his ego to drive his ship so thought I'd offer a different perspective from the standard "dump her" that's all.

Of course he should do what he wants and what's best for him without being judged for it.

 

I don't feel castorized at all by you. I also know that I do want to see where things go with this and at least try to change my feelings towards this man. This is just a situation I've never encountered before in all my years of dating.

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said:

I agree taking it slower than I originally wanted might be best. I don't feel like this is a cause for me to never trust her at all.

And she's still keeping in touch with him because they have been lifelong friends, this isn't some random guy she just met on the trip. And as far as the girl, we talked about that and she said she could never see herself with a woman seriously. She likes the sexual aspect of woman but strongly doesn't want anything more.

It is a hugee mental leap and I feel so many things about it so thank you for being empathetic and trying to understand. On one hand I see her as the innocent person she always was in my eyes who checked almost all of my boxes and on the other hand I see a person I've never met before and it's hard to rationalize that these two people are the exact same person.

I had a long-term boyfriend that suffered from retroactive jealousy. We made the mistake of talking about past relationships and I mentioned a sexual act that I did with a prior long term boyfriend. It wasn't anything outside of our relationship with my ex (just something I shared with my ex between him and I only) but my partner was very bothered by it and while I felt he was wrong, I realize in hindsight I should have not shared that information.

I thought since we were heading into a long-term relationship I should make no secrets. However, now I realize some things are best left unsaid. In the end our incompatibility and my lack of tolerance for him emotionally pushed me away. I'm glad we broke up.

How do you feel you can get over it is really the bigger question. You need to determine what you need for yourself to feel more secure. It doesn't matter what other people think your comfort levels should be in the relationship. It's not other people's relationship. This is between you and the woman you want to build something long term with.

[Coily]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That it was about ego, pride and jealousy.

And?  Those are all indulged on this platform regularly.  In this case i think jealousy is being used more as a filler. it's concern that there is another guy still in her orbit who knows her sexually, who may not have the boundaries to hold off try to push her sexual buttons. How many times on this plat form do we see posts about the disasters of exes (without kids in the picture) remaining around someone? This is just slightly different from a mentality perspective.

IF this was a bout pride and ego, I think the OP would have just dumped her like a sack of potatoes.

OP, going the slow route is the best thing you can do. Don't let anyone tell you that any decision you make is the wrong one, or that you let your ego get in the way. Sex and sexual activity are rightfully a big deal to a lot of people; you aren't wrong for having your standards.

[Waylen Jones]

14 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I had a long-term boyfriend that suffered from retroactive jealousy. We made the mistake of talking about past relationships and I mentioned a sexual act that I did with a prior long term boyfriend. It wasn't anything outside of our relationship with my ex (just something I shared with my ex between him and I only) but my partner was very bothered by it and while I felt he was wrong, I realize in hindsight I should have not shared that information.

I thought since we were heading into a long-term relationship I should make no secrets. However, now I realize some things are best left unsaid. In the end our incompatibility and my lack of tolerance for him emotionally pushed me away. I'm glad we broke up.

How do you feel you can get over it is really the bigger question. You need to determine what you need for yourself to feel more secure. It doesn't matter what other people think your comfort levels should be in the relationship. It's not other people's relationship. This is between you and the woman you want to build something long term with.

I agree some things are better left unsaid. There are still things I've done I haven't told her nor do I know if I ever want to. But none involve people currently in my life. In her instance I do think that as long as she continues to be friends with this guy, she will be cursed with having to tell future partners about what happened.

I believe that hanging/going out with someone you had sex with, even if only once or twice, to be disrespectful to your current partner if they have no knowledge of what happened and kind of sneaky. So I respect that she did tell me because now I can see she has some form of morality and not wanting to make me the butt of any jokes. But the truth still hurts.

And I wish I knew the answer to your second part. I have no clue what order of steps I need to take to move past this other than time, but does time always heal everything? If there was a book I could read on this exact subject I would buy it today. Because I do want to see her for who she is today and not what she did yesterday, the "HOW" part is leaving me confused.

[yogacat]

6 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said:

I agree some things are better left unsaid. There are still things I've done I haven't told her nor do I know if I ever want to. But in her instance I do think that as long as she continues to be friends with this guy, she will be cursed with having to tell future partners about what happened. I believe that hanging/going out with someone you had sex with, even if only once or twice, to be disrespectful to your current partner and kind of sneaky. So I respect that she did tell me because now I can see she has some form of morality and not wanting to make me the butt of any jokes. But the truth still hurts.

And I wish I knew the answer to your second part. I have no clue what order of steps I need to take to move past this other than time, but does time always heal everything? If there was a book I could read on this exact subject I would buy it today. Because I do want to see her for who she is today and not what she did yesterday, the "HOW" part is leaving me confused.

I don't know. I have a couple male friends (one from eight years old, the other for over 15 years) and I would never cross certain lines with any of them. I have high respect for them and their relationship with their spouse. One has a gf and one who's married.

Your situation is obviously different from mine although my point is you need to see how she truly feels about this guy. Is she completely over him? Does she have feelings for him? Is she capable of fooling around?

These are all very real questions, but her friendship with this guy seems strong... that is an alarming thought. I'll put it in a perspective that I know works... when you have a long time connection with someone and you put so much faith in them, you don't want to jeopardize it. I have long time friends that I value and honestly ... I would not only be cheating on my other, I would also be betraying my friends as well, and this goes for friends who are single.

So to me it's not entirely just about trying to keep a friendship you have, it's also about keeping the peacemaking... I feel its the same for your gf. So it's something you'll have to decide what you are comfortable with and what you are not.

To me being bi is irrelevant. She isn't interested in him that way and clearly stated that she isn't interested in men but his girlfriend.

It's the fact that she still manages to keep in touch with someone she had group sex with and that's fine that she still does, that she's bi and had sex with her female friend. All of that's fine and your choices alone, but it's the arranged group sex part that's probably lighting up the problem.

The bigger issue is that she went through with it. She didn't really go there with intention of having sex with the guy. She says she was curious about the female friend and just wanted to kiss or explore further, whereas the male friend just popped up and had sex with her and the female friend?

Either way, the intended purpose was basically thrown out the window and she did go through with it. Now you both have to figure out what to do with a past factor you never thought you would have to deal with.

[Waylen Jones]

14 minutes ago, Coily said:

OP, going the slow route is the best thing you can do. Don't let anyone tell you that any decision you make is the wrong one, or that you let your ego get in the way. Sex and sexual activity are rightfully a big deal to a lot of people; you aren't wrong for having your standards.

Thank you. I will move at a slow pace for sure. How many months do you think I should wait before I have my validation on if I want to move into something more? Does take it slow mean 3-6 months before going all in or 1-2 years? I know that's a hard question to answer but what deadline should I give myself?

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Your situation is obviously different from mine although my point is you need to see how she truly feels about this guy. Is she completely over him? Does she have feelings for him? 

@Waylen Jonescan you address this^^?

It was my understanding from your posts she never had romantic feelings for him, even that night and she admitted to you the only reason she had sex was because she liked the girl involved (his girlfriend).

So there is nothing for her to "get over" as far as feelings for him.

Is this correct? 

Or do you suspect despite what she told you, she may have romantic feelings for him?

As with many threads, this is getting a bit confusing, at least for me. 

[Coily]

5 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said:

Thank you. I will move at a slow pace for sure. How many months do you think I should wait before I have my validation on if I want to move into something more? Does take it slow mean 3-6 months before going all in or 1-2 years? I know that's a hard question to answer but what deadline should I give myself?

As to timing, I can't give you a solid time frame. It's really more a matter of how you feel after the razzle dazzle of the honeymoon period has passed. I think you will know after you see her in person next, you will get a better feel for her and your headspace.

[Waylen Jones]

8 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I don't know. I have a couple male friends (one from eight years old, the other for over 15 years) and I would never cross certain lines with any of them. I have high respect for them and their relationship with their spouse. One has a gf and one who's married.

Your situation is obviously different from mine although my point is you need to see how she truly feels about this guy. Is she completely over him? Does she have feelings for him? Is she capable of fooling around?

These are all very real questions, but her friendship with this guy seems strong... that is an alarming thought. I'll put it in a perspective that I know works... when you have a long time connection with someone and you put so much faith in them, you don't want to jeopardize it. I have long time friends that I value and honestly ... I would not only be cheating on my other, I would also be betraying my friends as well, and this goes for friends who are single.

So to me it's not entirely just about trying to keep a friendship you have, it's also about keeping the peacemaking... I feel its the same for your gf. So it's something you'll have to decide what you are comfortable with and what you are not.

To me being bi is irrelevant. She isn't interested in him that way and clearly stated that she isn't interested in men but his girlfriend.

It's the fact that she still manages to keep in touch with someone she had group sex with and that's fine that she still does, that she's bi and had sex with her female friend. All of that's fine and your choices alone, but it's the arranged group sex part that's probably lighting up the problem.

The bigger issue is that she went through with it. She didn't really go there with intention of having sex with the guy. She says she was curious about the female friend and just wanted to kiss or explore further, whereas the male friend just popped up and had sex with her and the female friend?

Either way, the intended purpose was basically thrown out the window and she did go through with it. Now you both have to figure out what to do with a past factor you never thought you would have to deal with.

Sorry I'm trying my best to follow along here. She is interested in men as far as serious relationships goes. But she said the main culprit for why she took part in the romp was because she was attracted to her friend's girlfriend, and in her words, "the only way to fool around with her would be with him" because they are a package deal. And this is apparently something her male friend and his GF do, they have a type of open relationship.

But yes the intended purpose was thrown out the moment it happened and I'm trying to find a way to move forward.

[Waylen Jones]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Waylen Jonescan you address this^^?

It was my understanding from your posts she never had romantic feelings for him, even that night and she admitted to you the only reason she had sex was because she liked the girl involved (his girlfriend).

So there nothing for her to "get over" as far as feelings for him.

Is this correct? 

100% correct.

She said that she does not, and never had sexual or romantic feelings for him. She also said that she doesn't find him attractive and only was attracted to his GF. Before and after this night they have not done anything together like this.

She also mentioned that she kind of regrets doing it altogether because she did not feel any enjoyment out of it or once it was over.

Could she be lying, yes. But I know her better than everyone in this thread and I personally don't believe she is. I mean why bring all this up to me just to still keep secrets. If they were still messing around I probably wouldn't know about any of this.

EDIT: It can be pretty confusing. I'm not sure why someone said she had feelings for him she needed to get over. That was never in my story.

[Waylen Jones]

10 minutes ago, Coily said:

It's really more a matter of how you feel after the razzle dazzle of the honeymoon period has passed. I think you will know after you see her in person next, you will get a better feel for her and your headspace.

Got it. I will keep this in mind.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Waylen Jones said:

Could she be lying, yes.  But I know her better than everyone in this thread and I personally don't believe she is. I mean why bring all this up to me just to still keep secrets. If they were still messing around I probably wouldn't know about any of this.

^^I wholeheartedly agree with you.  Her openness and transparency is admirable imo along with the fact she's encouraging you to become friends with him yourself. 

You both sound like awesome people, I really do hope you can work it out. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

14 hours ago, Waylen Jones said:

...she constantly reassured me that she has no feelings for him whatsoever...

Do you want to sleep with every single person you've ever hooked up with before in your entire life?

If your answer is "No," I think you just need to let it go.  

Most people know how to keep their legs closed when in a relationship.

[Waylen Jones]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^I wholeheartedly agree with you.  Her openness and transparency is admirable imo along with the fact she's encouraging you to become friends with him yourself. 

You both sound like awesome people, I really do hope you can work it out. 

 

Thank you, I truly hope so too.

Maybe I'll update this thread in a few months with the outcome.

[Waylen Jones]

3 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Do you want to sleep with every single person you've ever hooked up with before in your entire life?

If your answer is "No," I think you just need to let it go.  

Most people know how to keep their legs closed when in a relationship.

I don't want to sleep with every person I've hooked up with, but I also don't keep anyone from my sexual past around when dating new people.

I don't quite follow what you are trying to say in the last sentence. Are you saying that most people don't cheat with old flings so I shouldn't worry?

[yogacat]

13 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said:

EDIT: It can be pretty confusing. I'm not sure why someone said she had feelings for him she needed to get over. That was never in my story.

Because that's what you're worried about. No?:

Quote

They still go out together to parties, talk in group chats/on the phone etc. How am I supposed to ignore this now? We have spoken many times about this topic afterwards and she constantly reassured me that she has no feelings for him whatsoever and if I met him then I would be okay with their friendship because I would be able to see that nothing is there.

 

[catfeeder]

23 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said:

...How many months do you think I should wait before I have my validation on if I want to move into something more? Does take it slow mean 3-6 months before going all in or 1-2 years? I know that's a hard question to answer but what deadline should I give myself?

A deadline is pretty premature. You'll need to learn how this whole situation makes you feel going forward. Either it will be tolerable, or it won't. I think I'd learn whether I find this so uncomfortable that I'm tempted to start raising problems or arguments or whether I feel like I'm steaming in a pressure cooker with my own turmoil, or even if I end up not really feeling for this woman what I currently believe I'd like to feel.

This is a case where anyone else's input based on their own values or emotions isn't very useful. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. You're out on your own limb, and you'll need to navigate that as you see fit at any given time. Sucks, but it is what it is.

[Waylen Jones]

Just now, yogacat said:

Because that's what you're worried about. No?

I'm not worried she will grow sexual or romantic feelings for him. I'm worried I will never be able to see them as "just" friends. Also worried that HE might still be harboring feelings for her or one night may want to do something sexual with her again. I don't know him personally and never met him.

I may be making a biased gender driven opinion but I think it's harder for males to let go of the thought of hooking up with woman. I think woman find this easier to do, once they move on they typically really move on most of the time. 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, Waylen Jones said:

I don't quite follow what you are trying to say in the last sentence. Are you saying that most people don't cheat with old flings so I shouldn't worry?

Ding-ding-ding. I can honestly say, and I've been around the block...some dudes, I wasn't even interested when it was happening.

Sometimes, you go there...and you realize you absolutely are not interested in any way, shape or form.  Like at all.

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, Waylen Jones said:

I'm not worried she will grow sexual or romantic feelings for him. I'm worried I will never be able to see them as "just" friends. Also worried that HE might still be harboring feelings for her or one night may want to do something sexual with her again. I don't know him personally and never met him.

I may be making a biased gender driven opinion but I think it's harder for males to let go of the thought of hooking up with woman. I think woman find this easier to do, once they move on they typically really move on most of the time. 

Doesn't sound like a fun way to start a relationship. But you do you, boo.

[rainbowsandroses]

Just curious but how do you feel about dating women who are divorced and co-parenting a child with her ex?

Obviously they've had sex AND been in love, but that's over yet they still interact sometimes daily about their child. 

Is that a dealbreaker for you straight from the get go because they previously had sex? 

This woman had meaningless sex once on a crazy vacay with a man she had and has no feelings for. 

Again, just curious.

[Waylen Jones]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This is a case where anyone else's input based on their own values or emotions isn't very useful. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. You're out on your own limb, and you'll need to navigate that as you see fit at any given time. Sucks, but it is what it is.

Yeah I knew this when I made this thread. But I figured coming here and posting might help me bounce ideas or see ways of thinking that I hadn't considered.

[LotusBlack]

12 hours ago, Waylen Jones said:

I guess the issue is jealousy. The fact that another male knows what she is like in bed and will be sharing the same space as me since he isn't going anywhere. So you can say it's a territorial thing as well. I don't care about any previous men she was with or what she did with them, because they aren't around today. This 1 person is the only anomaly.

I don't think less of her for what happened and I still value her. I needed to create a thread about it because not everyone has people they can talk to. This isn't really something I could share with my mom and sometimes close friends can be biased for me, or judgmental towards her. I wanted the opinion of people that owe me nothing so I thank you for your contribution.

And the way the topic came out was from playing a drinking card game.

You say I won't ever be able to force myself or not talk my way out of this feeling, but what if I want to? How do I overcome being territorial? I do think she is an amazing woman, the best I've met in years. What specific steps or conversations do I need to have? For example, do you recommend I really meet this person with her around or would that make things worse?

I haven’t read the thread yet - just replying directly to this comment - I wonder why your concern is focused on the male best friend rather than his female girlfriend, the one your gf(?) has a crush on. She had sex with them both, not just him. Why does his maleness threaten you more than his gf’s femaleness?

[Waylen Jones]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Doesn't sound like a fun way to start a relationship. But you do you, boo.

It's not ideal. This is why being too honest in the beginning can backfire.