Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 1 minute ago, yogacat said: Sorry. I edited my reply too late before you quoted me. How will you feel when/if they hang out one-on-one together? Will you be okay with that 110%? Just throwing that out there so you go into this eyes wide open. You know yourself best. As of right now as I type this, no I would not be. Someone mentioned to me maybe trying to find common ground with their friendship and asking them to only meet up in public places or with other people around. I have not presented this idea to her yet because I think it's too soon to ask but one day I might. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 29 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said: As of right now as I type this, no I would not be. Someone mentioned to me maybe trying to find common ground with their friendship and asking them to only meet up in public places or with other people around. I have not presented this idea to her yet because I think it's too soon to ask but one day I might. Well, maybe she shared this with you one month into dating (not sure if that's 100% the timeline, if it isn't, please correct me) but maybe she felt she needed to share with you early in the event that you're not comfortable with them hanging out one-on-one. Of course, you may feel differently as you get to know each other more. I'm sure a lot of people would struggle to digest learning of this information one month into dating. I do believe people can date and depending on their timeline when or if they enter a relationship, they will start to share more of themselves and those conversations open up more and people become more transparent. If you're okay with this you will happily move onto a deeper level of commitment. I don't think someone can move on to any further commitment timeline until people start to feel more serious and comfortable. Sometimes that can happen anywhere between 2-10 months or more, never having a clear timeline it takes a bit longer to start sharing more in depth thoughts or whatever. As someone enters into a new relationship, neither party truly knows how it will go, maybe you both hit it off or maybe it fizzles out before you both share any of those deeper layers? Who is anyone to know!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 5 hours ago, Waylen Jones said: It came out by us playing a drinking card game. It didn't really come out of nowhere and maybe she wanted to see how I would react, I really don't know. Right so it's not about "honesty" and I agree it was designed to shock and see how you would react. I could see her telling you - I have a male best friend - we did have a moment once and the details don't matter but in case someone references it - no need to discuss, it's all platonic. It didn't come out of nowhere -and if it did then be forewarned that she might discuss your personal stuff when she chooses to get drunk. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: Right so it's not about "honesty" and I agree it was designed to shock and see how you would react. She told me about the orgy during the card game and just that. Two days later on the phone she then told me who it was with. That was the honest part, because she did not have to mention the parties involved since I didn't bring it up again. I could've easily still went the whole relationship not knowing it was with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 1 minute ago, Waylen Jones said: She told me about the orgy during the card game and just that. Two days later on the phone she then told me who it was with. That was the honest part, because she did not have to mention the parties involved since I didn't bring it up again. I could've easily still went the whole relationship not knowing it was with him. But it's none of your business since she said she doesn't want to have sex with him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 19 minutes ago, yogacat said: Well, maybe she shared this with you one month into dating (not sure if that's 100% the timeline, if it isn't, please correct me) but maybe she felt she needed to share with you early in the event that you're not comfortable with them hanging out one-on-one. Of course, you may feel differently as you get to know each other more. I'm sure a lot of people would struggle to digest learning of this information one month into dating. I do believe people can date and depending on their timeline when or if they enter a relationship, they will start to share more of themselves and those conversations open up more and people become more transparent. If you're okay with this you will happily move onto a deeper level of commitment. I don't think someone can move on to any further commitment timeline until people start to feel more serious and comfortable. Sometimes that can happen anywhere between 2-10 months or more, never having a clear timeline it takes a bit longer to start sharing more in depth thoughts or whatever. As someone enters into a new relationship, neither party truly knows how it will go, maybe you both hit it off or maybe it fizzles out before you both share any of those deeper layers? Who is anyone to know!? Yeah I truly think that's why she told me. She wanted me to make a choice early on before we got more involved. Right! Time will tell where this goes, it's a lot of layers still to unpack! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 2 minutes ago, Batya33 said: But it's none of your business since she said she doesn't want to have sex with him again. You don't think it would be a bit shady or disrespectful on her end for me to meet him and all of us hang out together without me knowing they had sex twice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 5 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said: Yeah I truly think that's why she told me. She wanted me to make a choice early on before we got more involved. Right! Time will tell where this goes, it's a lot of layers still to unpack! Indeed. I think she had to mention it to you (that it was her best friend and his best friend's girlfriend later on) because it was going to come up at some point later down the line and/or she had to find out if you're the type that can handle it. She had to cover her bases. In any case, I think by telling you the names of those involved it's a way to share first off about the event and give you time to digest the event itself and if you accept it given its recency. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 3 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said: You don't think it would be a bit shady or disrespectful on her end for me to meet him and all of us hang out together without me knowing they had sex twice? Not at all unless he was going to be coming on to her in front of you or she was going to be coming on to him -why is it your business to know whether she had sex with a friend in the past? She's looking out for herself-she's worried he'll joke about it. I had a first date once -we'd met on a weekend retreat - where he told me his ex girlfriend was pregnant with their child and was due in a month. That he absolutely had to tell me. I'm glad he told me that up front. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 Waylen, could it be possible she was simply wanting to be fair with you by providing you with all information to make sure you were cool with it? Because as mentioned, he is still part of her life and if you continue dating her, he will become part of your life? From what you have described about her in your initial post, she sounds like a lovely human being who's quite giving and who cares about you!! And yes given he is still very much a part of her life and again if you continue dating her, will be part of yours, it is very much your business to know so you can assess and determine if this is something you are cool with and live with should you continue dating her! She risked losing you by telling you, she didn't have to. But again she wanted to be fair and leave the decision up to you. I for one admire her for that, it speaks to her character and how much you can trust her going forward. Versus keeping secrets and being shady. That's my take, although I am not the type of person that immediately jumps to the negative so perhaps that's why. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 1 minute ago, yogacat said: Indeed. I think she had to mention it to you (that it was her best friend and his best friend's girlfriend later on) because it was going to come up at some point later down the line and/or she had to find out if you're the type that can handle it. She had to cover her bases. In any case, I think by telling you the names of those involved it's a way to share first off about the event and give you time to digest the event itself and if you accept it. Precisely. There is no way it would not have came out one day with so many people knowing what happened on that trip and who the players were. I think telling me early on was the most honorable way to go about it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 5 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said: Precisely. There is no way it would not have came out one day with so many people knowing what happened on that trip and who the players were. I think telling me early on was the most honorable way to go about it. Well my version of honorable might differ. One, this was told 1 MONTH while drunk playing a card game and with the intent of shock value as it relates to your relationship. I mean, I'm sorry, but that's a lot to put on someone you're newly dating out of seemingly nowhere and with zero thought put into how this may make the other person feel beyond "shock and awe" it's a pretty duplicitous way to go about "honestly" sharing. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: Not at all unless he was going to be coming on to her in front of you or she was going to be coming on to him -why is it your business to know whether she had sex with a friend in the past? I don't ask any questions about who or what she's done in the past with people that aren't here today. But if this man is actively in our circle, riding in the car together with us, going out with us, taking photos or planning trips with us then I would view her much differently if she didn't tell me and I found out elsewhere. I think we may have to agree to disagree on this one. Ignorance isn't bliss in this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 Just now, yogacat said: Well my version of honorable might differ. One, this was told 1 MONTH while drunk playing a card game and with the intent of shock value as it relates to your relationship. I mean, I'm sorry, but that's a lot to put on someone you're newely dating out of seemingly nowhere and with an intention to test their loyalty. Yes. It's not honorable it's self serving because she thinks they're going to make comments that will suggest that something happened etc. I'm sure she thinks it's cool that she was so "adventurous" and in an exotic locale even though she told you she didn't even enjoy the sex much. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 1 minute ago, yogacat said: Well my version of honorable might differ. One, this was told 1 MONTH while drunk playing a card game and with the intent of shock value as it relates to your relationship. I mean, I'm sorry, but that's a lot to put on someone you're newely dating out of seemingly nowhere ane with zero thought put into how this may make the other person feel beyond "shock and awe" it's a pretty duplicitous way to go about "honestly" sharing. What and when would be a better way to share this information? How long would you wait and what is the best approach? Honestly just asking because I wouldn't even know how or when to tell someone this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 3 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said: I don't ask any questions about who or what she's done in the past with people that aren't here today. But if this man is actively in our circle, riding in the car together with us, going out with us, taking photos or planning trips with us then I would view her much differently if she didn't tell me and I found out elsewhere. I think we may have to agree to disagree on this one. Ignorance isn't bliss in this situation. If you found out -why would you unless she associates with people who are tacky enough to mention it in front of you? I am friends and friendly with one of my husband's exes but they really didn't date very long. I like her very much. I've known her over a dozen years and met her almost 20 years ago. We have never ever either when alone or with our husbands or whatever ever mentioned that my husband dated her much less any sexual topics. I have no idea if they slept together and I don't want or need to know. They dated about 2 years prior to us getting back together. I assume he slept with the ex right before me - but not because he told me or I asked. I've been around many people who know both his most recent exes and they have never ever mentioned anything inappropriate to me about them. Because his friends became my friends and vice versa and they want us to be together, and happy. Her friends might be more of the type like her who have fun saying shocking and inappropriate things so that in front of you he or his girlfriend might reference that night in Jamaica where they chose to be sexual with each other as a group. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Waylen, could it be possible she was simply wanting to be fair with you by providing you with all information to make sure you were cool with it? Because as mentioned, he is still part of her life and if you continue dating her, he will become part of your life? From what you have described about her in your initial post, she sounds like a lovely human being who's quite giving and who cares about you!! And yes given he is still very much a part of her life and again if you continue dating her, will be part of yours, it is very much your business to know so you can assess and determine if this is something you are cool with and live with should you continue dating her! She risked losing you by telling you, she didn't have to. But again she wanted to be fair and leave the decision up to you. I for one admire her for that, it speaks to her character and how much you can trust her going forward. Versus keeping secrets and being shady. That's my take, although I am not the type of person that immediately jumps to the negative so perhaps that's why. Same thoughts exactly. It speaks to her character by choosing to not say anything. But she didn't do that. And yes he would somehow be apart of my life because they are close. I know he won't simply go away. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 I think waiting one month was fine. It gave her enough time to know that you are someone she envisions herself dating long term, which doesn't happen overnight. No sense in disclosing something like that if you don't see yourself wanting to continue dating. In this case, after one month, she did so she told you. Disclosing this during a "game," why the hell not? I see nothing wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 53 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said: What and when would be a better way to share this information? Exactly! All these insinuations about her intentions and character and negative spin, I am shocked and actually feel a bit sick to my stomach. As such, Waylen I am going to stop reading and exit this thread and wish you both the best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 4 minutes ago, Batya33 said: If you found out -why would you unless she associates with people who are tacky enough to mention it in front of you? Just as people are talking in this thread and giving their own input, people talk in real life too. Everything hits the fan one day whether you want it to or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I think waiting one month was fine. It gave her enough time to know that you are someone she envisions herself dating long term, which doesn't happen overnight !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylen Jones Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Exactly! All these insinuations about her intentions and character and negative spin, I am shocked and actually feel a bit sick to my stomach. As such, Waylen am going to stop reading and exit this thread and wish you both the best of luck. Yeah there is really no perfect way or time to explain this to someone you are dating imo. No worries! Thank you for all your contributions to it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 10 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said: Just as people are talking in this thread and giving their own input, people talk in real life too. Everything hits the fan one day whether you want it to or not. One last. It doesn't matter whether you would have found out later or not, telling you was the fair thing to do! For reasons stated -- to provide you with all information and allow YOU to determine if you're cool with it and it's something you could envision yourself accepting and living with. Again this speaks to her character, her integrity and trustworthiness versus keeping secrets and being shady which I cannot believe anyone would believe is OKAY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 1 minute ago, Waylen Jones said: Just as people are talking in this thread and giving their own input, people talk in real life too. Everything hits the fan one day whether you want it to or not. No it doesn't need to. Adults who care about their partners don't want to hurt them unnecessarily. We've been married over 15 years and we would never ever mention our past sex lives to each other -or ask. I'm not a fan of the whole I was just being honest when it's tacky oversharing. I am also biased because like I said I wouldn't have dated someone who as an adult chose to have that experience she did -maybe as a teen or in college etc -stuff happens - but for me personally it wouldn't align with what I was looking for in a long term partner. I had a second date once where he told me he'd recently ended a sexual arrangement where they slept together about once a week. I wasn't comfortable that he told me or that he'd had that arrangement. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 14 minutes ago, Waylen Jones said: What and when would be a better way to share this information? How long would you wait and what is the best approach? Honestly just asking because I wouldn't even know how or when to tell someone this. If I was going to tell someone about it, I would wait until the relationship has taken on a more serious tone and then tell them during a serious conversation. That seems to me to be a more respectful way of handling a bombshell like that. I understand the rationale for why she chose to tell you early and drunk, I think if you were to ask her it would be for reassurance that you can handle the truth, because she desperately wants you to be okay with it and doesn't want to be sitting on it for the long haul. I do think it's telling she told you because she wants you to be okay with it and know she made a decision a year ago that's not in keeping with how she chooses to act. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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