Girl I'm Newly Dating Was In A Orgy With Her Male Best Friend Before We Met

[Waylen Jones]

5 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Ding-ding-ding. I can honestly say, and I've been around the block...some dudes, I wasn't even interested when it was happening.

Sometimes, you go there...and you realize you absolutely are not interested in any way, shape or form.  Like at all.

ohh, okay. Yeah sometimes it can happen like that.

[Batya33]

Sorry if you addressed this but I would have a huge problem with her sharing this.  What's the point since she told you she has zero intention of being with him again and has no interest that way plus he's in a serious relationship right? Is she worried her friend will mention it? Even if so it's none of your business unless a child resulted or an STD.  Separately no I would not have dated someone who I knew had done this in the recent past.  For a variety of reasons (including because I dated for potential marriage purposes).  My close male friend asked me out on a date when we first met in grad school in the early 90s.  I said no. He even years later didn't remember lol.  We moved past it, never flirted in that way, all platonic.  I don't think I ever mentioned this to my husband and he's known this person for many years and likes him. 

Why would I stir the pot like that? Even though it's ancient history? By contrast he knows that one of my male friends I originally was in contact with through a dating site.  But we never met for any dating purposes because it was long distance and he'd have wanted me not to meet any other men until we could meet.

Fast forward I met him in person after I was married -I'd moved to a certain city and he was meeting a woman from a dating site there -so all of us including my baby son went for a walk. My husband couldn't make it but he knew the back story -and he was fine with it.  And he's now friendly with him too.  

I also think it's fine to be friends with exes -I am, my husband is. I am good friends with one of his exes.  But if he'd done something akin to what your new person had done or if I had I'd have been fine with not knowing.  Preferable to him thinking I wanted to know details of an atypical and casual sexual experience with a person I'd have to see/interact with in person.  We've never shared details of our prior sex partners- and I hope we never do - but I do know he never had casual sex and neither did I and that is a good thing for me and for him. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Waylen Jones said:

It's not ideal. This is why being too honest in the beginning can backfire.

She wasn't too honest.  She overshared. If you'd asked her about her sexual past she could have said -honestly! - it's none of  your business.  That's not honest -it's oversharing and to me shows a lack of judgment especially with a new person in her life.

[Waylen Jones]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just curious but how do you feel about dating women who are divorced and co-parerenting a child with her ex?

Obviously they've had sex AND been in love, but that's over yet they still interact sometimes daily about their child. 

Is that a dealbreaker for you straight from the get go because they previously had sex? 

This woman had meaningless sex once on a crazy vacay with a man she had and has no feelings for. 

Again, just curious.

Great point. I would have to find understanding in this specific situation. And it probably wouldn't be a huge issue to me.

But I guess the big difference is if she was co-parenting with someone I wouldn't have to worry about her going out to bars, friends houses or talking on the phone with the co-parent. Their only involvement circles around the child and nothing more.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I haven’t read the thread yet - just replying directly to this comment - I wonder why your concern is focused on the male best friend rather than his female girlfriend, the one your gf(?) has a crush on. She had sex with them both, not just him. Why does his maleness threaten you more than his gf’s femaleness?

^^Excellent question!

AND whom she had/has romantic feelings for!

But yet not concerned about her, just her male friend of ten years whom she has no feelings for. 

[Waylen Jones]

6 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I haven’t read the thread yet - just replying directly to this comment - I wonder why your concern is focused on the male best friend rather than his female girlfriend, the one your gf(?) has a crush on. She had sex with them both, not just him. Why does his maleness threaten you more than his gf’s femaleness?

It's because she does not take women seriously. She is strongly against ever having a female romantic partner. Males however is who she wants to be with and take serious so that's why I see it as a threat I presume.

[Waylen Jones]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She wasn't too honest.  She overshared. If you'd asked her about her sexual past she could have said -honestly! - it's none of  your business.  That's not honest -it's oversharing and to me shows a lack of judgment especially with a new person in her life.

It came out by us playing a drinking card game. It didn't really come out of nowhere and maybe she wanted to see how I would react, I really don't know.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Waylen Jones said:

It came out by us playing a drinking card game. It didn't really come out of nowhere and maybe she wanted to see how I would react, I really don't know.

How did you react/respond after she told you?

[Waylen Jones]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry if you addressed this but I would have a huge problem with her sharing this.  What's the point since she told you she has zero intention of being with him again and has no interest that way plus he's in a serious relationship right? Is she worried her friend will mention it? Even if so it's none of your business unless a child resulted or an STD.  Separately no I would not have dated someone who I knew had done this in the recent past.  For a variety of reasons (including because I dated for potential marriage purposes).  My close male friend asked me out on a date when we first met in grad school in the early 90s.  I said no. He even years later didn't remember lol.  We moved past it, never flirted in that way, all platonic.  I don't think I ever mentioned this to my husband and he's known this person for many years and likes him. 

Why would I stir the pot like that? Even though it's ancient history? By contrast he knows that one of my male friends I originally was in contact with through a dating site.  But we never met for any dating purposes because it was long distance and he'd have wanted me not to meet any other men until we could meet.

Fast forward I met him in person after I was married -I'd moved to a certain city and he was meeting a woman from a dating site there -so all of us including my baby son went for a walk. My husband couldn't make it but he knew the back story -and he was fine with it.  And he's now friendly with him too.  

I also think it's fine to be friends with exes -I am, my husband is. I am good friends with one of his exes.  But if he'd done something akin to what your new person had done or if I had I'd have been fine with not knowing.  Preferable to him thinking I wanted to know details of an atypical and casual sexual experience with a person I'd have to see/interact with in person.  We've never shared details of our prior sex partners- and I hope we never do - but I do know he never had casual sex and neither did I and that is a good thing for me and for him. 

Maybe she wanted to share this because she had a guilty conscious about them hanging out while me and her were moving forward and didn't want me to find out by means of someone else. Of course she could have kept it to herself. But do you think it would not have hit the fan one day?

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Waylen Jones said:

And as far as the girl, we talked about that and she said she could never see herself with a woman seriously. She likes the sexual aspect of woman but strongly doesn't want anything more.

Why is this less worrisome than the situation with the guy? She said she isn’t attracted to him at all (which I, personally, would be skeptical of since she had sex with him a second time quite some time later), but is attracted to the woman. Overall, that would bother me more. Plus, the best friend’s girlfriend will, presumably, be around the group a lot, why does it bother you to know this guy knows what your gf is like in bed but it doesn’t bother you to know the woman knows what your gf is like in bed?

Edit: sorry, playing catch-up on the thread and just read your last response. 

 

[Waylen Jones]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How did you react/respond after she told you?

At first it didn't bother me too much, although I was thinking in my head, "wow I've never heard anything like this".

My thoughts and feelings got wrapped in more emotion when we started to really grow actual feelings for each other.

 

[yogacat]

I would never date a man that has cheated on a past partner or has been to prostitutes but that's just my preference no wrong right just preferences.

So I think you're really going to have to figure out what are your preferences with regard to this relationship.

[Waylen Jones]

5 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

Why is this less worrisome than the situation with the guy? She said she isn’t attracted to him at all (which I, personally, would be skeptics of since she had sex with him a second time quite some time later), but is attracted to the woman. Overall, that would bother me more. Plus, the best friend’s girlfriend will, presumably, be around the group a lot, why does it bother you to know this guy knows what your gf is like in bed but it doesn’t bother you to know the woman knows what your gf is like in bed?

I wish I could dive deep into why I feel like that but I don't know why truly. I've been with bi women before and never felt bothered with them being friendly with other women they have been with.

Yes I am a bit skeptical of this because it did happen twice.

[LotusBlack]

It may be true that she isn’t romantically interested in women and only sexually interested. But, that sexuality is a part of her. To me, her saying she isn’t interested in dating women is as valid as her saying she isn’t interested in dating her best friend. Why does one hold more weight to you than the other? You have two sets of rules for men and women, which is fine if you know where they come from and can justify them, but there are biases at play here and I think it’s important to figure out what they are and why you have them.

Because, to me, if i had issues at all then I would take issue with both of these people (the best friend and his gf) equally, as she had sex with them both. However, she has stated she isn’t interested in dating either of them, specifically. That specific notion should trump the general romantic interest in men and sexual interest in women that she has.

It’s a level field, as far as I can see, as they aren’t interested in dating her and she isn’t interested in dating them, and they both know what she’s like in bed and will be around her in the future - and potentially with you in proximity.

Personally, I’m a prude and could never be compatible with someone whose boundaries included orgies, and with their friends no less. But if I were [compatible], I’d be equally concerned (or unconcerned) about all involved, not just one of them.

So, I suggest you sit with yourself a while and identify exactly what does and doesn’t bother you and why. Then determine if they are things you can genuinely overcome on your own (without your gf having to change who she is and how she is - which includes her past). Otherwise, it’s going to sit beneath the surface of your relationship’s foundation and cause cracks, like roots of a tree underneath a house.

[MissCanuck]

It's okay to not be okay with this, OP. 

You don't have to make yourself accept this or move past it if you just can't. It's okay to have your own limits, and feel turned off without twisting yourself into pretzels anyalyzing why. 

I don't think it's that complicated. You're either okay with this and can move forward - or not. Entirely your prerogative which way you go. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Coily said:

Don't let anyone tell you that any decision you make is the wrong one, or that you let your ego get in the way.

@Coilythe only reason why I mentioned jealousy and ego was because it was what the OP himself told us!!   He clearly told us that for him it was about ego, pride and jealousy and later added that it was a "territorial" thing too.

I choose to believe him, he's a grown man and as such knows his own feelings or I presume he does. 

And he's attempting to process and work through all those emotions.

At least that is my understanding of his posts.

 

 

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

It's okay to not be okay with this, OP. 

Agree 100%. If you’re not okay with it, OP, then don’t try to force yourself to accept it. But, recognise that and consider whether you and your gf are compatible. It’s obviously okay with your gf and she cannot change her past, so it comes down to you.

[tattoobunnie]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry if you addressed this but I would have a huge problem with her sharing this.

Same here. My hubs and I have had previous relationships a plenty, and he literally makes it seem like I'm the only woman he's ever slept with (which I know is not true).  

Her telling you - I don't get.  There's honesty, but what she shared had nothing to do with your relationship, nor would it make you two stronger as a couple.  Seems to me, an issue of immaturity here.  She may not have been trying to make you feel insecure, but she did because she lacks the filter and perspective a woman in her 30's has.  I'm not trying to knock people in their 20's (because I've done plenty of dumb things in my 20's), but there are some things you keep to yourself.  An orgy with your bestie where you have zero romantic inclinations towards to, but had one to hook up with another girl is one of them.

[rainbowsandroses]

48 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Same here. My hubs and I have had previous relationships a plenty, and he literally makes it seem like I'm the only woman he's ever slept with (which I know is not true).  

This^^ made me smile, your hubs sounds so lovely @tattoobunnie. 

May seem idealistic to some, but it's about making your partner feel special like he/she was/is the only one in the world for you and always has been!

As I stated earlier, I don't know why couples choose to have these types of discussions or play these "truth" games, the past is the past, LEAVE IT THERE.

That said, in this particular case, I am kinda on the fence about it only because this man is a good friend of hers, they still interact and hang out and if the OP chooses to continue dating her, he will in all likelihood meet him and become friends with him as well.

If she never told him but then he somehow found out later whether they are all out together and a slip of tongue after too many drinks or whatever, how would he feel then? Knowing she had kept this from him?

I dunno if me I would feel like a real fool.  So I think it this particular case, it may have been right for her to share so he has all information, no secrets, and make his decision whether to stay or leave, which he's doing now.

Good luck @Waylen Joneswhatever you decide, please keep us posted!!

Oh and really great discussion BTW, got me thinking anyway!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Waylen Jones]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's okay to not be okay with this, OP. 

You don't have to make yourself accept this or move past it if you just can't. It's okay to have your own limits, and feel turned off without twisting yourself into pretzels anyalyzing why. 

I don't think it's that complicated. You're either okay with this and can move forward - or not. Entirely your prerogative which way you go. 

Thank you, I guess only time will tell if I can truly move past it or not.

[Waylen Jones]

52 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Same here. My hubs and I have had previous relationships a plenty, and he literally makes it seem like I'm the only woman he's ever slept with (which I know is not true).  

Her telling you - I don't get.  There's honesty, but what she shared had nothing to do with your relationship, nor would it make you two stronger as a couple.  Seems to me, an issue of immaturity here.  She may not have been trying to make you feel insecure, but she did because she lacks the filter and perspective a woman in her 30's has.  I'm not trying to knock people in their 20's (because I've done plenty of dumb things in my 20's), but there are some things you keep to yourself.  An orgy with your bestie where you have zero romantic inclinations towards to, but had one to hook up with another girl is one of them.

I understand not telling everything but would you still not tell your husband if there was a guy in your life who you see often that you had sex with prior to him, or would you still feel like he shouldn't know?

Or what if your husband had a female friend or associate that you didn't know he had sex with and they see each other often, would you not be upset?

If that wouldn't bother you then I commend you, but some things I think are necessary information if the person is still actively around you both.

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, Waylen Jones said:

It's not ideal. This is why being too honest in the beginning can backfire.

It's going to take a lot of mental work for you to get past this, on your end to be around this man that she has been best friends with and had an orgy with...and his girlfriend.

I couldn't do it but in my experience any mental gymnastics would be a sign that this isn't the path I should take.

My gut says, this isn't for you. Your entire post reads as "I am trying to convince myself everything is fine when it's not."

How will you feel when/if they hang out one-on-one together? Will you be okay with that 110%?

Just throwing that out there so you go into this eyes wide open.

[Waylen Jones]

32 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^^ made me smile, your hubs sounds so lovely @tattoobunnie. 

May seem idealistic to some, but it's about making your partner feel special like he/she was/is the only one in the world for you and always has been!

As I stated earlier, I don't know why couples choose to have these types of discussions or play these "truth" games, the past is the past, LEAVE IT THERE.

That said, in this particular case, I am kinda on the fence about it only because this man is a good friend of hers, they still interact and hang out and if the OP chooses to continue dating her, he will in all likelihood meet him and become friends with him as well.

If she never told him but then he somehow found out later whether they are all out together and a slip of tongue after too many drinks or whatever, how would he feel then? Knowing she had kept this from him?

I dunno if me I would feel like a real fool.  So I think it this particular case, it may have been right for her to share so he has all information, no secrets, and make his decision whether to stay or leave, which he's doing now.

Good luck @Waylen Joneswhatever you decide, please keep us posted!!

Oh and really great discussion BTW, got me thinking anyway!!

My thoughts exactly! I have a lot of secrets I haven't told her and I still don't know a lot about her past life or really don't care to find out.

I told her I appreciate her telling me about this early on and giving me the choice to stay or leave before things get even more serious. Had she not had done this, and say a year later it came out at a party from him or via other people I would feel like the world's biggest fool. Then I would have came to this thread with an entirely different story and I guarantee most people would be replying saying "She should respected you enough to tell you", and not "You didn't need to know that or it was immature to mention".

His active presence is a hugeee caveat! It's the only one! Any flings from past lovers Idc to know about and I don't think everyone on this thread gets that.

 

But yes I will definitely update @rainbowsandroses, I'll make a reminder now to do so in a month or two for whoever cares to know the ending! It is a very movie like situation with a great difference of opinions on each side and valid arguments from both directions. Thank you especially for helping me talk through how I feel. And everyone else as well!

[Waylen Jones]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

It's going to take a lot of maturity on your end to be around this man who she slept with...and his girlfriend.

I couldn't do it but in my experience any mental gymnastics would be a sign that this isn't the path I should take.

My gut says, this isn't for you. Your entire post reads as "I am trying to convince myself everything is fine when it's not."

It will take a lot of maturity and mental gymnastics on my end. 100%. I do not like or wish anyone to be in my shoes.

Buy my gut is actually telling me that it believes she is a good person and worth trying for. I know when I feel like I'm forcing a situation to work and that's when I'll pull back. Right now I know I'm not forcing our connection, it feels very natural.

It might work out in the and or it might not. Either outcome I'm okay with. But what I won't be okay with is looking back at my life 50 years from now wondering if I should have tried at least once to understand things from someone else's point of view. I'll give it a shot then update later.

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, Waylen Jones said:

It will take a lot of maturity and mental gymnastics on my end. 100%. I do not like or wish anyone to be in my shoes.

Buy my gut is actually telling me that it believes she is a good person and worth trying for. I know when I feel like I'm forcing a situation to work and that's when I'll pull back. Right now I know I'm not forcing our connection, it feels very natural.

It might work out in the and or it might not. Either outcome I'm okay with. But what I won't be okay with is looking back at my life 50 years from now wondering if I should have tried at least once to understand things from someone else's point of view. I'll give it a shot then update later.

Sorry. I edited my reply too late before you quoted me.

How will you feel when/if they hang out one-on-one together? Will you be okay with that 110%?

Just throwing that out there so you go into this eyes wide open. You know yourself best.