Will my ex come back to me?

[Alexa92]

Hi everyone! Just been feeling devastated of what happened and i cannot process this entire situation correctly. Im just so hurt..but would love to hear your opinion and thoughts…

 

My ex and I were together for 7 years, got engaged last year. Main reason we broke off was because he saw no stability in me and was tired of supporting me. I was working at this under table office job that was paying me very well without any benefits like health insurance or 401k but I recently left to pursue a career. I did not prioritized early because I thought if I could rack up my own cash, I would be fine..but it bothered him and eventually worked on it and got it done(2 years ago). He only brought it up maybe once or twice so I never thought it was a deal breaker. He thought him telling me to get it done was a red flag.

I am currently at a new job that doesn’t pay me well, but same time I am pursing for a programming job. Ive been applying but kept getting rejected. I work 2 remote jobs and is enrolled an internship the same time. So i am trying my best…just sucks because I was there for him when he was excelling his career and he got burnt out from mines…

 

I just wanted to hear from other people’s opinion on this. Can he really just drop 7 years together? Is he just too emotionally drained which cause the drift between us?

[TeeDee]

I am sorry this happened & can only imagine how upset you are.  Planning a wedding to breaking up.  That's quite the 180

I suspect there must be more to it then finances but that may have played a part.  If that was all there is I would like to think he would have talked to you more about it before things go so bad.  If you are making progress now, that should lure him back.   Since he's not coming back, there may be more to this.  

I dated a guy in grad school & thought we'd get married.  He dumped me because he wanted somebody more traditional who wanted marriage & kids but no career. Back then even if he asked me to change, I doubt I would have.  

I'm generally not a fan of going backwards in life.  If he left he had a reason.  If that reason hasn't been resolved, there is no sense coming back together.  

[Alexa92]

It seemed like finances definitely played a big role to this. Before I was more stable because of my previous job but I left because I was super unhappy. 

He said he definitely cared so much about stability and that was something he couldn’t see in me. I was trying my best..

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Alexa92 said:

It seemed like finances definitely played a big role to this. Before I was more stable because of my previous job but I left because I was super unhappy. 

He said he definitely cared so much about stability and that was something he couldn’t see in me. I was trying my best..

Part of the reason is he tired of supporting you financially -how would you have managed on your own? He's not your husband and you don't have kids together so it's odd to me you seem like it's ok he was supporting you financially all this time.

[Alexa92]

Is there anything I can do to make things right? 

[Batya33]

Just now, Alexa92 said:

Is there anything I can do to make things right? 

I would give him space and live your life.  If he changes his mind he knows where to find you.  I'm really sorry you're disappointed and upset.  Yes long term relationships and marriages can end and it's often so very hard.

[Alexa92]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Part of the reason is he tired of supporting you financially -how would you have managed on your own? He's not your husband and you don't have kids together so it's odd to me you seem like it's ok he was supporting you financially all this time.

I only asked for help twice, after that I was supporting myself. During those time I needed help was because I had a medical emergency that caused me to pay a lot out of my pocket 

[Batya33]

Just now, Alexa92 said:

I only asked for help twice, after that I was supporting myself. During those time I needed help was because I had a medical emergency that caused me to pay a lot out of my pocket 

But you wrote that he was supporting you financially? Did you pay him back?

[Alexa92]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I would give him space and live your life.  If he changes his mind he knows where to find you.  I'm really sorry you're disappointed and upset.  Yes long term relationships and marriages can end and it's often so very hard.

Do you think there’s a chance or hope he might change his mind and come back to me? We had an amazing 7 years together 

[Batya33]

Just now, Alexa92 said:

Do you think there’s a chance or hope he might change his mind and come back to me? We had an amazing 7 years together 

There's always a chance -I'm married to my ex fiancee -we got back together almost 8 years later.  But I'd move on and live my life.

[Alexa92]

Just now, Batya33 said:

But you wrote that he was supporting you financially? Did you pay him back?

I have not since he said it was fine 

[Batya33]

Just now, Alexa92 said:

I have not since he said it was fine 

Why was it fine for you? 

[Alexa92]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why was it fine for you? 

Because before I felt like I was the main person buying all the furnitures, groceries, decoration for the apartment. I never asked him to pay me back 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Alexa92 said:

Because before I felt like I was the main person buying all the furnitures, groceries, decoration for the apartment. I never asked him to pay me back 

OK so this is confusing. How was he supporting you financially if you split expenses? This is not adding up for me but maybe it's me.  Here's my sense -you felt entitled to have a job with no benefits because he was your financial support if you needed it.  Even though you weren't married.  Or had kids together.  He started to dislike that attitude.

Also did he ask for "decorations?" Did he want to spend as much as you on furniture? 

Again you are giving different versions of your arrangement and I suspect also that he was given different versions over the years as far as your goals -or lack thereof -for financial stability and independence.  Did you insist on paying him back for the medical emergency -we all have emergencies but you chose a job with no benefits and being paid in an illegal manner -yes?

[smackie9]

 You were making really good money tax free....so where's all that money??? Why not take that money and take night courses to get your degree in programming so you could get a good paying job? You shouldn't have quit until you could reach your goal in getting a decent job. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This is not adding up for me but maybe it's me.

It's not just you Bat.  The fact the OP seems to have disappeared after your post is also quite telling.

It's been a couple of hours, but perhaps she/he/they will return and clarify.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, Alexa92 said:

just wanted to hear from other people’s opinion on this. Can he really just drop 7 years together? Is he just too emotionally drained which cause the drift between us?

The reason he gave you was the stick that broke the camel's back. I'm sure there are many more reasons, but he chose to keep them for himself to be kind to you and because they are things that he wouldn't want you to change (character and job related, yes) and you can't change (his own mind/feelings/he wants something different).

44 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 You were making really good money tax free....so where's all that money??? Why not take that money and take night courses to get your degree in programming so you could get a good paying job? You shouldn't have quit until you could reach your goal in getting a decent job. 

I agree, but I don't believe that's the only reason for the breakup. Specially for an engagement.

OP, What was the relationship like otherwise? How was intimacy, sex, and the routine in general? How did you two treat each other? Were there any arguments?

Finally, no. I wouldn't hold your breath for a comeback. I would move on and work on being your best self. Other people will appreciate you for who you are and you will be enough for them. Leave the ex in the past, and only move forward, not backwards.

[ShySoul]

Please clarify the timeline. Did he break up with you before or after this current job? Were you already in the process of changing and working on your career?

3 hours ago, Alexa92 said:

I am currently at a new job that doesn’t pay me well, but same time I am pursing for a programming job. Ive been applying but kept getting rejected. I work 2 remote jobs and is enrolled an internship the same time. So i am trying my best…just sucks because I was there for him when he was excelling his career and he got burnt out from mines…

He left you claiming there wasn't stability. Yet, you clearly are working towards being more stable. That's not what a good partner does. A partner supports and encourages you until you land on your feet. They see the effort you make and offer to help. They want what is best for you and to assit you where they can. To walk away says something about him and I question how committed he really was in the first place.

How was the relationship otherwise? Money is only part of the equation. Was there love and respect? Was there communication and understanding? Were there other problems? It's rarely one thing, and there is usually something much deeper happening then who pays for what.

At this point, focus on building your life. You are making progress on getting where you want to go. That's good enough. Whatever happens with him will attend to itself. Don't extend the time and energy to worry about it. Just work on you and being happy with where you are at.

[smackie9]

48 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

The reason he gave you was the stick that broke the camel's back. I'm sure there are many more reasons, but he chose to keep them for himself to be kind to you and because they are things that he wouldn't want you to change (character and job related, yes) and you can't change (his own mind/feelings/he wants something different).

I agree, but I don't believe that's the only reason for the breakup. Specially for an engagement.

OP, What was the relationship like otherwise? How was intimacy, sex, and the routine in general? How did you two treat each other? Were there any arguments?

Finally, no. I wouldn't hold your breath for a comeback. I would move on and work on being your best self. Other people will appreciate you for who you are and you will be enough for them. Leave the ex in the past, and only move forward, not backwards.

Oh I know there's more to it than his excuse. It smells pretty fishy. 

[chess103]

There’s way more to this than lack of financial stability. Yes it’s playing a role in the breakup but it’s beyond that. If he truly loved her, he would sit her down and be crystal clear on his expectations then observe to see if she changes. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Try and share the rest of the story of what's going on.

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  he can just drop 7 years together.  If I were you,  I wouldn't want him back because when you were there for him while he was excelling in his career,  when times got tough supporting you,  he decided to bail (leave).  His terms are conditional which is alarming meaning whenever all is well economically for both of you,  the relationship is sound and the minute it is off kilter,  he flees.  He's a 'Good Time Charlie.'  ☹️

When your life is on the upswing in the near future,  don't give him the time of day.  It's 'good-bye chump.' You deserve to be with a man who is with you for better or for worse,  not just during good times only.