Can a man be interested but genuinely busy but not check the app for my message?

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hey @LR, just catching up.

^^I find what quoted above, specifically what's bolded, quite strange.  I mean, yeah it's a first date/meet, what are these guys expecting you to do, fall all over them?  Geez, lol. 

Re being independent, although I am quite independent, I have never had a man comment on this on a first meet or even the first few dates!

They typically don't find out how "independent" I am until once we're in a relationship and they've gotten to know me better.

Meaning, I rely on myself when I have an issue versus expecting a man to take care it because well he's a "man" and I'm a helpless snowflake.  Lol 

I don't think having a job and career is considered independent anymore, it's pretty much the norm these days, jmo.

So, I'm wondering why do they mention this?  And on a first meet?   

How do you respond after they ask?  Do you ask them why they think this?  Like what is it about you they find so "independent"?

I would! 

@Batya mentioned your energy and vibe.  You responded saying "it" doesn't come through in your vibes. 

LR, no one knows what type of energy they project to others, meaning how they perceive you.  Only they know how they perceive you. 

If this^^ is true, then yes it's truly baffling why you don't seem to connect with most men.

I mean again it's a first date/meet, what you describe above is nothing that should turn a man off. 

Not imo anyway.  I'm the same way, and it's never turned a man off, if anything they find it intriguing!  That I'm not spilling my guts right off the bat.

The only thing I can think of is that you and he together just don't click, that certain somethin somethin (chemistry/energy) just isn't happening.

Which happens A LOT with online dating. 

My advice is just continue being you.  To me you seem perfectly healthy and normal!

If these guys expect you to fall all over them otherwise they don't think you're 'interested' or not 'vulnerable' enough, then **** that, YOU next them!

Again it's a first meet for heaven's sake!! 😀

Just live your life, your "prince" lol will eventually come.

If not that's OK too!

Live life for yourself, not others and what they expect. Or what society expects.

Be happy LR and good luck. 💛

 

 

 

I’m just a little disappointed after that date last week. I’ve got fatigue from dating and I had a little drop of excitement to go on a date with him. I just never feel that chemsitry or spark.

 

I’ve really lost interest in dating now, and have no sex drive, I’m worried this means I’m broken. Getting excited about meeting that guy made me feel a bit normal as I’ve not been interested in men for so long. Like even the last guy I date, I feel nothing now when I think about the memories I had with him, him kissing me etc, like I felt before

 

i am open to seeing that guy again, because the chat was quite good. I think maybe he was stressed. But what if I send him a little closing message. I know the date was like 8 days ago but like ‘nice to meet you the other week. Good luck with xyz and take care :)’

 

my loss of sex drive and interest in men and lack of interest is worrying me. When I was dating the last guy, I was so excited on dates. His hug and touch made me feel wonderful, I can’t imagine ever feeling that again 

[LovelyRoses]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No -silence = lack of interest after a first meet.  I would send nothing.

It's like body odor -often the person who smells is not aware.  You might not be aware of your energy/vibes.  I told a man once who asked me for feedback that he came across as negative even though he smiled and said all the right things.  He responded that on reflection -I was right - he was feeling very negative about his job and after our date he quit and felt much better.  He had no idea he was coming across that way/.

Before you go may I ask one more thing. Catching up on messages. 
 

my friends say I have a good vibe but I seem fatigued by dating. I don’t actually l get much excited by dates but this date I was excited for. I know I was friendly and positive. And the fact he hadn’t met me yet and he was being cold and distant and not asking me anything on the app, lacking enthusiasm, suggests it was never really me in the first place? Like he hadn’t met me yet, and I was sending normal messages to get to know him. 
 

inshowed my friends my messages and they said I sounded warm and endearing, whilst he sounded cold and aloof

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Before you go may I ask one more thing. Catching up on messages. 
 

my friends say I have a good vibe but I seem fatigued by dating. I don’t actually l get much excited by dates but this date I was excited for. I know I was friendly and positive. And the fact he hadn’t met me yet and he was being cold and distant and not asking me anything on the app, lacking enthusiasm, suggests it was never really me in the first place? Like he hadn’t met me yet, and I was sending normal messages to get to know him. 
 

inshowed my friends my messages and they said I sounded warm and endearing, whilst he sounded cold and aloof

I can't relate to this at all because I never put any stock in the messages in advance of meeting as far as what it will be like in person for dating purposes.  I messaged once or twice then had a phone call for a safety screening and to see if we could have a pleasant convo in person.  Out of the over 100 men I met in person I made one exception -also with someone in the entertainment industry- we were in touch over a 6 week period before meeting.  With a silent MIA gap in the middle.  

I wouldn't have met the person you met.  I was referring to vibes and the energy you present on a date -your friends aren't with you on the date so they wouldn't know.

I was regularly fatigued by dating given how much I put into it and how many events I attended as part of meeting people to date.

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I can't relate to this at all because I never put any stock in the messages in advance of meeting as far as what it will be like in person for dating purposes.  I messaged once or twice then had a phone call for a safety screening and to see if we could have a pleasant convo in person.  Out of the over 100 men I met in person I made one exception -also with someone in the entertainment industry- we were in touch over a 6 week period before meeting.  With a silent MIA gap in the middle.  

I wouldn't have met the person you met.  I was referring to vibes and the energy you present on a date -your friends aren't with you on the date so they wouldn't know.

I was regularly fatigued by dating given how much I put into it and how many events I attended as part of meeting people to date.

I’ve had a couple of dates where I’m not interested, but I’m still friendly. And they pick up on the disinterest 
 

Oh I’ve never had a date where their messaging style and energy over text has been different to their in person character. It is usually very Indicative of what kinda connection we will have. Lately I’ve found men have become a lot more lazy with getting to know me on the apps. And then in person we don’t connect either 

 

that’s why I kinda knew before this first date, this guy wasn’t that engaged with me. I know I was authentic and positive. He did have his sunglasses on during the date whilst in the shade, I joked it would be nice to see his eyes when talking and he took them off. When we arrived at restaurant and he was replying to an email, the waiter I thinn realised what was happening  and came over to chat to me and we had a really fun conversation. I know I’m fun and engaging, I really don’t think this was me

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I am very warm with the guy I went on a date with. I’m certainly vulnerable too, i don’t big myself up, im confident but very in touch with myself emotionally, men say I appear very empathetic. Like I open up about small things on the first date, but not like big things like trauma. Like things like im finding my job hard at the minute and im working on finding my passion. And how I visit my family a lot because I miss them a lot. That’s being vulnerable right? 

No, that actually sounds like just the right amount if any. What you said about being vulnerable is true, that's what most people refer to when they say you can't find true love without being a bit vulnerable with someone. But, I don't think you need to go out there saying that you have these really unattractive or opinionated views. 

I'm just saying that there's a fine balance between being too guarded and being too open. It sounds like you are sharing enough about yourself to show that you are a vulnerable and genuine person, but not so much that you are oversharing or appearing too needy.

When men tell you that you're very independent, how does that usually come up in conversation? Is it something you mention or is it something that men observe and comment on? 

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’m just a little disappointed after that date last week. I’ve got fatigue from dating and I had a little drop of excitement to go on a date with him. I just never feel that chemsitry or spark.

 

I’ve really lost interest in dating now, and have no sex drive, I’m worried this means I’m broken. Getting excited about meeting that guy made me feel a bit normal as I’ve not been interested in men for so long. Like even the last guy I date, I feel nothing now when I think about the memories I had with him, him kissing me etc, like I felt before

 

i am open to seeing that guy again, because the chat was quite good. I think maybe he was stressed. But what if I send him a little closing message. I know the date was like 8 days ago but like ‘nice to meet you the other week. Good luck with xyz and take care :)’

 

my loss of sex drive and interest in men and lack of interest is worrying me. When I was dating the last guy, I was so excited on dates. His hug and touch made me feel wonderful, I can’t imagine ever feeling that again 

Sounds like you've lost your mojo. That happens.

It's happened to me several times, where I had a lack of interest in dating, not a lack of interest in men per se, but dating. You just have to chalk it up to your hormones, your stress levels, whatever it may be. If you're that concerned, see a medical professional just in case. But, many people go through exactly what you're referring to.

Dating ebbs and flows just like life. I think that's why it's interesting, that's what keeps it so exciting. That sometimes you feel really interested and connected to the person but sometimes you're just not that into them. But you can't expect the men you go out with to be interesting all the time, that's an unrealistic expectation to place on someone else. And let's face it, that goes both ways. You want him to find you interesting all the time as well, right?

With this guy, there could be a million different reasons why he's not interested. He could be talking/sleeping with multiple women and something happened there. We don't know because we didn't witness it. I don't think you need to send him such a definitive/finalizing message. It's been 8 days. An initial thanking him for the date 1x is enough. 

[LovelyRoses]

17 minutes ago, yogacat said:

No, that actually sounds like just the right amount if any. What you said about being vulnerable is true, that's what most people refer to when they say you can't find true love without being a bit vulnerable with someone. But, I don't think you need to go out there saying that you have these really unattractive or opinionated views. 

I'm just saying that there's a fine balance between being too guarded and being too open. It sounds like you are sharing enough about yourself to show that you are a vulnerable and genuine person, but not so much that you are oversharing or appearing too needy.

When men tell you that you're very independent, how does that usually come up in conversation? Is it something you mention or is it something that men observe and comment on? 

Like tonight I watched love is blind and I realised I’m nothing like the girls there. Like I don’t tell guys on dates what I look for in a man, i don’t say things like ‘I feel such a connection with you’ but then the men never ask me things like that. I just don’t ooze the flirty confidence that these girls on this tv show do. I don’t really know how to flirt. 
 

the date last week had just platonic vibes. I’m like a quietly confident person, but I just go to dates to see if I enjoy their company. 
 

Wayching love is blind is making me worry I don’t approach dating in the same way. I’m not super flirty at all, I don’t know how to be. 
 

Even the men I date are so indirect and wishy washy. The last guy I dated, I felt nervous in deeper conversations. Like he held my hand and told me he was glad he met me on the third date, and I felt very nervous. Like I said ‘I’m really enjoying being with you.’ And then because I didn’t know if he liked me or not, I was quite timid. It takes me time to open up more.and then after that date, he didn’t text me for like 3 days and was all distant. The next time I saw him, I asked him what he hopes to find from online dating and he told me ‘oh I haven’t given this much thought, but companionship would be nice.’ I found him hard to communicative with 

[yogacat]

50 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

Like tonight I watched love is blind and I realised I’m nothing like the girls there. Like I don’t tell guys on dates what I look for in a man, i don’t say things like ‘I feel such a connection with you’ but then the men never ask me things like that. I just don’t ooze the flirty confidence that these girls on this tv show do. I don’t really know how to flirt. 
 

the date last week had just platonic vibes. I’m like a quietly confident person, but I just go to dates to see if I enjoy their company. 
 

Wayching love is blind is making me worry I don’t approach dating in the same way. I’m not super flirty at all, I don’t know how to be. 
 

Even the men I date are so indirect and wishy washy. The last guy I dated, I felt nervous in deeper conversations. Like he held my hand and told me he was glad he met me on the third date, and I felt very nervous. Like I said ‘I’m really enjoying being with you.’ And then because I didn’t know if he liked me or not, I was quite timid. It takes me time to open up more.and then after that date, he didn’t text me for like 3 days and was all distant. The next time I saw him, I asked him what he hopes to find from online dating and he told me ‘oh I haven’t given this much thought, but companionship would be nice.’ I found him hard to communicative with 

Flirting to me comes naturally when I feel there is a magnetic pull that's mutual, My body and my mind respond to it. It's not something I consciously think of doing. Sure, there are tips and tricks to flirt but ultimately it's about that buzz, butterfly feeling you get when you're around someone that you're attracted to, someone who intrigues you and makes you want to know more about them. 
 
By the way, why are you basing your behaviour around a TV show? Bear in mind the context of the show as well; they're under immense pressure to make a connection without seeing the person. 

I get what you're saying about being a bit reserved initially, I am too!  One time, however, I was dating someone that I was wildly attracted to (not on the first date though, the first date I wasn't, but the second date...totally). I actually leaned in closer during an opportune moment and  I got instinctively playful and flirtatious and we ended up kissing. 

I think when you meet the right person, you're going to come out of your shell and flirt naturally. You just need to be mindful and actively work on being engaging on dates, and let things happen organically. Dates should be fun, try to focus on the conversation and not on mentally cataloging their every move. 

[LovelyRoses]

21 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Flirting to me comes naturally when I feel there is a magnetic pull that's mutual, My body and my mind respond to it. It's not something I consciously think of doing. Sure, there are tips and tricks to flirt but ultimately it's about that buzz, butterfly feeling you get when you're around someone that you're attracted to, someone who intrigues you and makes you want to know more about them. 
 
By the way, why are you basing your behaviour around a TV show? Bear in mind the context of the show as well; they're under immense pressure to make a connection without seeing the person. 

I get what you're saying about being a bit reserved initially, I am too!  One time, however, I was dating someone that I was wildly attracted to (not on the first date though, the first date I wasn't, but the second date...totally). I actually leaned in closer during an opportune moment and  I got instinctively playful and flirtatious and we ended up kissing. 

I think when you meet the right person, you're going to come out of your shell and flirt naturally. You just need to be mindful and actively work on being engaging on dates, and let things happen organically. Dates should be fun, try to focus on the conversation and not on mentally cataloging their every move. 

Yes and the last guy I dated who said he didn’t feel romantic randomly, we had that magnetic pull toward each other. Like no doubt about it, the connection was insane. But then he disappeared after dates which is really weird behaviour I can never make sense of. Holding my hand across the dinner table, telling me feels a strong connection, passionate kissing, cuddles in the kitchen. And then disappears after dates, doesn’t text to chat, doesn’t call me. And eventually tells me we’re not the right fit and he doesn’t feel romantic. What even is that about as me and him did have chemistry? It makes me doubt myself as a person and if I do something wrong 

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Flirting to me comes naturally when I feel there is a magnetic pull that's mutual, My body and my mind respond to it. It's not something I consciously think of doing. Sure, there are tips and tricks to flirt but ultimately it's about that buzz, butterfly feeling you get when you're around someone that you're attracted to, someone who intrigues you and makes you want to know more about them. 
 
By the way, why are you basing your behaviour around a TV show? Bear in mind the context of the show as well; they're under immense pressure to make a connection without seeing the person. 

I get what you're saying about being a bit reserved initially, I am too!  One time, however, I was dating someone that I was wildly attracted to (not on the first date though, the first date I wasn't, but the second date...totally). I actually leaned in closer during an opportune moment and  I got instinctively playful and flirtatious and we ended up kissing. 

I think when you meet the right person, you're going to come out of your shell and flirt naturally. You just need to be mindful and actively work on being engaging on dates, and let things happen organically. Dates should be fun, try to focus on the conversation and not on mentally cataloging their every move. 

Another thing is that I don’t really analyse the person that much, I more analyse myself. I get nervous to say the wrong thing or not be witty or funny enough and after the date I analyse what I said 😞 very critical of myself 

 

I used to always be like this on first dates until I met my ex 3 years ago. On the first date, I felt nervous but I think I held it together well. He asked me on a second date and told me he really fancied me. And we started dating. But 4 months into our relationship, he started criticising me and telling me that when he says something in conversation like when I’m telling a story and he interjects, I would just keep going with my story. And he would say things sometimes and I wouldn’t acknowledge what he said. He told me ‘you did it on the first date and I didn’t know if I wanted to see you again. And you just did it now.’ And he started always pointing it out when I did it which started to upset me as it wasn’t malicious, I just felt nervous around him a lot and it made it worse. I asked my friends and they said I don’t do that. But I became incredibly self aware during convos with my ex that I could no longer communicate confidently and authentically. Now I’m going on dates, I’m always self aware when I’m talking so I try not to do the same thing. I hate it 

[shouldhavelearned]

Don't compare anything to a dating tv reality show 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Lately I’ve found men have become a lot more lazy with getting to know me on the apps. And then in person we don’t connect either 

I found it lazy when a person wanted to type and talk before meeting and I assumed either they weren't being accurate in their profile and/or wanted a chat buddy and not a potentially serious relationship.  I love getting to know platonic friends online -I have many such friendships.  For many reasons -looks being the least of it really -I didn't find typing and talking before meeting other than the extent I did -described that above -relevant at all to getting to know someone for dating purposes and if they wanted to do so then I knew we were not a match.  Same if they refused to give a phone number to talk before meeting (happened about 1% of the time) or didn't ask me to meet in person after the phone call or say yes when I asked (I let the man ask me on the first real date).

I think the only thing you did wrong was overthinking and questioning it after particularly given how rude he was.

[yogacat]

6 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

Yes and the last guy I dated who said he didn’t feel romantic randomly, we had that magnetic pull toward each other. Like no doubt about it, the connection was insane. But then he disappeared after dates which is really weird behaviour I can never make sense of. Holding my hand across the dinner table, telling me feels a strong connection, passionate kissing, cuddles in the kitchen. And then disappears after dates, doesn’t text to chat, doesn’t call me. And eventually tells me we’re not the right fit and he doesn’t feel romantic. What even is that about as me and him did have chemistry? It makes me doubt myself as a person and if I do something wrong 

Dating is fickle. I'm sure it is confusing. Forget about the whys, it will drive you to the edge. The guy you posted about was rude on your date. So forget that unless YOU LIKE GUYS THAT ARE RUDE.

Your mind is racing in all directions.. Start thinking about the what do I want and why. Don't fall for looks and don't get caught up in men that come on heavy initially. It's all initial excitement and new territory. Before you know it, a few dates later and you're in... It unfortunately takes time to have a wise pick. 

Don't internalize it so much. Woe is me isn't an inviting trait. It's okay to relax and take a break.

Maybe dating isn't for you right now.

The worst possible medicine for you is trying to wrap your head around 'chemistry', 'connection', 'fails', etc...

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm bumping this thread asking @LovelyRosesis this the same man you refer to in your recent thread?

I am going to assume it is since the last post before mine was just two weeks ago and in your recent thread you and the man went on six dates before he dropped you.

Please read this thread again too.  There were so many red flags from the very beginning that you were actually aware of which you tossed to the side because you felt such an intense attraction from his SM and youtube videos.

Roses, this thread reflects you sound quite fantasy-driven which is so SO very dangerous.

I'm actually shocked this is the man you hold in such high regard and compare every man you meet to. 

Not sure if this was asked previously but are you in therapy?

If not please consider. 

I have been off and on for years and it's helped me sort things out tremendously!

 

 

[LovelyRoses]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm bumping this thread asking @LovelyRosesis this the same man you refer to in your recent thread?

I am going to assume it is since the last post before mine was just two weeks ago and in your recent thread you and the man went on six dates before he dropped you.

Please read this thread again too.  There were so many red flags from the very beginning that you were actually aware of which you tossed to the side because you felt such an intense attraction from his SM and youtube videos.

Roses, this thread reflects you sound quite fantasy-driven which is so SO very dangerous.

I'm actually shocked this is the man you hold in such high regard and compare every man you meet to. 

Not sure if this was asked previously but are you in therapy?

If not please consider. 

I have been off and on for years and it's helped me sort things out tremendously!

 

 

No this was me finally trying to put myself out there. Met a man on dating app who messaged me first several weeks ago, but didn’t ask me anything about Myself  on the app. Which is standard for me

i met him for a drink but this guy answered his phone, sent texts and emails during the date and never texted me after the date. So it really upset me because this is just what I experience with dating. I genuinely have never had a good date apart from the last guy in my other post. I don’t understand it, I feel so unlucky

[ShySoul]

On 8/17/2024 at 11:44 AM, yogacat said:

Also, I'm going to let you in on a secret: relationships should come naturally. 

I think meeting people in a more casual way would help you. Maybe, rather than looking for that "spark" or a connection right off the bat, you relax. 

1. Talk to people who engage with you in public.
2. Join meetups for people with common interests
3. Join friend-of-a-friend hangouts 

Then maybe, rather than jumping immediately to the dating part, just enjoy the moment. Get to know the person as a friend. This isn't your goal? This isn't going to lead to marriage? Who cares. Start somewhere. See where it goes. You don't just see someone and "click" always. Most of the time, it can be a quiet background thing that turns into this internal connection. Maybe that's what it is for you. 

Think this was solid advice. Rather then search for that spark in every person only to be depressed when it's not there, relax and try to have fun. Be in the moment and enjoy whatever you are doing. Not every interaction is make or break. Not everyone you meet needs to be evaluated as the potential love of your life. Sometimes a seashell is just a seashell and time spent with someone can just be time spent with them.

The rare moments of romance in my life came not from a date or instant spark. While I did connect from the start, it was as friends. We enjoyed just talking and interacting, with no pressure or longing for more. That spark grew with time the more we were around each other and found we did connect.

Maybe that would work best for you?

[LovelyRoses]

11 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Think this was solid advice. Rather then search for that spark in every person only to be depressed when it's not there, relax and try to have fun. Be in the moment and enjoy whatever you are doing. Not every interaction is make or break. Not everyone you meet needs to be evaluated as the potential love of your life. Sometimes a seashell is just a seashell and time spent with someone can just be time spent with them.

The rare moments of romance in my life came not from a date or instant spark. While I did connect from the start, it was as friends. We enjoyed just talking and interacting, with no pressure or longing for more. That spark grew with time the more we were around each other and found we did connect.

Maybe that would work best for you?

I’ve tried that but men come on too strong and I don’t feel safe, I feel safer on online dating where I feel more in control. I went out for a drink the other day with a man I met through a music event , only for him to say to me ‘why did you even meet me tonight if you don’t want sex?’ So I’m more comfortable with the dating apps 

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

No this was me finally trying to put myself out there. Met a man on dating app who messaged me first several weeks ago, but didn’t ask me anything about Myself  on the app. Which is standard for me

i met him for a drink but this guy answered his phone, sent texts and emails during the date and never texted me after the date. So it really upset me because this is just what I experience with dating. I genuinely have never had a good date apart from the last guy in my other post. I don’t understand it, I feel so unlucky

Okay fair enough!  I'm glad I asked and you clarified.

In any event, I think my last post on your other thread was a bit harsh and apologize if it offended. 

I really do wish the best for you and remember life is about the journey not the destination and there will always be lots of bumps in the road along the way.

Every bump is an opportunity to learn and grow, please don't ever lose sight of that and try to stay positive! 💛

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’ve tried that but men come on too strong and I don’t feel safe, I feel safer on online dating where I feel more in control. I went out for a drink the other day with a man I met through a music event , only for him to say to me ‘why did you even meet me tonight if you don’t want sex?’ So I’m more comfortable with the dating apps 

First, I'm sorry he said that. I am ashamed on behalf of males everywhere. There are far to many guys like that and that you have to put up with it is terrible. Please try to remember that guys like that are the minority, even if it may feel otherwise.

Second, if online makes you more comfortable, stick with it. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with doing.

Third, I wasn't just referring to dating. I actually think taking a step back from any kind of relationship search would be most useful for you. You are too focused on thinking you need to find someone. It seems to be hurting you when the whole process is supposed to be fun. If it's doing more harm then good, then it's not healthy for you. 

That doesn't mean giving up all hope forever. It just means taking a break to recharge and focus on you. Don't do one on one meeting with guys. Find a group for what you are into instead. I believe you mentioned female tennis? Do you play? Is there some place you can play against people? Could be anything, just as long as it distracts you from the things that are bothering you and helps to make you smile and put you in a better mood.

I was getting nowhere and feeling discouraged. So I tossed all thoughts of relationships out the window and just focused on me. And not long after something came by way. Love does find us when we aren't looking. And sometimes the harder we look, the more out of reach it can make us feel.