Can a man be interested but genuinely busy but not check the app for my message?

[yogacat]

15 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

It’s just I’m 28 now and I have honestly lost hope at finding a partner. I even try and put myself out there. Just got home from a lunch with all my friends and they are all married and brought their kids, whilst I can’t find a connection with anyone.

in January, a guy I was dating ended things when things were going so smooth. Chemsitry, connection, we talked about compatibility, I could laugh and be myself with him and was 100% present on dates with him. Amazing conversations, just a click, undeniable. Like people on here will probably say ‘oh it was one sided.’ It wasn’t one sided at all, he even told me he felt it too. I’ve never enjoyed kissing someone like that, or sex like that. But then after dates he would seem distant, take days to reply, and suddenly said he didn’t feel romantic. It will never make sense as that was a normal great early dating stage. It makes me think that having a partner is impossible because they will always think there’s better out there

 

now im in august. The date last week felt like my last hope. I’ve ran out of men on the dating app in my town. I put myself out there but everyone’s got a partner when I meet people in real life. I never meet single people

 

i don’t know what to do. 
 

going on the date last week was suppose to be an exciting first meet. I mean it wasn’t a bad one. I’m not expecting fireworks from a first date, just a nice chat to see what the person is like. And we did have interesting chats on the date

 

The more this happens, feel like I’ve lost attraction to men entirely and I don’t know if I’ll ever like anyone again. The last guy I dated, felt it should have worked out. Sometimes he checks in with me.

 

honestly don’t know what to do. Basically every man I ever meet keeps me hanging for days 

 

worry I can’t create a spark or connection 

There definitely has to be some flexibility with online dating it's just in this particular instance, you were both in the middle of arranging a first date and he disappeared mid conversation and never got back to you. Well, yes, five days later. That isn't a great sign for the future.

But what is, is you have the interest in finding someone who isn't heading out to become a nuclear physicist or a medical doctor in a major market - listen, life may happen but there has to be some flexibility with the persons overall show of persistence, commitment, and follow through when interested in someone, connecting, and proactively taking interest in meeting as well as determining some chemistry. This happens to everybody, It is a risk we take and as noted you are not alone. 

Maybe try a different strategy? Maybe stop worrying about creating a spark and connection and focus more on just having fun and enjoying yourself. Go on dates with the mindset that you are just going to meet someone new and see if you click, rather than putting pressure on yourself to connect with everyone. I am not a fan of multi-dating in general but I think for you maybe it would work? 

I could be pulling this from my own assumptions, but I get the feeling that maybe you're a little insecure about not connecting with another person in person. 

Your post kind of gives off this air that you don't really like yourself. 

Also, I'm going to let you in on a secret: relationships should come naturally. 

I think meeting people in a more casual way would help you. Maybe, rather than looking for that "spark" or a connection right off the bat, you relax. 

1. Talk to people who engage with you in public.
2. Join meetups for people with common interests
3. Join friend-of-a-friend hangouts 

Then maybe, rather than jumping immediately to the dating part, just enjoy the moment. Get to know the person as a friend. This isn't your goal? This isn't going to lead to marriage? Who cares. Start somewhere. See where it goes. You don't just see someone and "click" always. Most of the time, it can be a quiet background thing that turns into this internal connection. Maybe that's what it is for you. 

If you are worried that someone you’re dating is not a good fit for you, listen to your gut and keep it casual. If you're concerned that you're not going to be good enough for someone you're dating who seems like a great catch, don't worry — they will probably have doubts about whether they will be good enough for you as well. Being able to sense chemistry is a gift, not a curse.

So relax and try to enjoy the experience of getting to know different people. Instead of focusing so much on whether or not there’s a spark, focus on whether or not you’re having fun. Are you relaxed and engaged? Are you enjoying yourself? Are you keeping it light and learning a little about someone new each time? 

If the answer to these questions is “yes,” and you still can’t find yourself making a romantic connection, consider consulting a dating or relationship expert for assistance. Sometimes we need a bit of help to uncover what’s really going on with our dating life.

[ShySoul]

I'm 41 and still waiting. I've known people who waited longer. My best friend through high school/collage didn't have a relationship until around your age. I used to know a woman who was your age and had never had a relationship. Nothing was wrong with any of us, just as nothing is wrong with you.

You're only 28. You have nothiing but time.

Putting yourself out there is among the worse pieces of advice people can say. All it usually ends up doing is making people feel bad when they try, exerting themselves beyond their capacity, get there hopes up and nothing happens. 

I sense you are falling into the trap that so often happens of wanting that relationship and seeking it even when it's not there. You're letting your desire to have something carry you away to the point you want to see more in things then are there. You are thinking about it too much and it's affecting your mood and outlook, making you feel hopeless.

I felt like that at one point. Then I did the opposite of what most would do. I didn't put myself out there. I didn't try to meet anyone. I stoped caring about or wanting a relationship. I couldn't be hurt about not having anyone if I just don't care to have anyone. I focused entirely on living my own life and doing my own thing, just being happy being alone and being me. I saw that others can't be my happiness, I had to be my own happiness.

And that's when someone found me. 

Don't worry about meeting people. Don't worry about a relationship. There is so much more to life. Just enjoy and embrace who you are and do the things you love that spark joy within you.

[LovelyRoses]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

There definitely has to be some flexibility with online dating it's just in this particular instance, you were both in the middle of arranging a first date and he disappeared mid conversation and never got back to you. Well, yes, five days later. That isn't a great sign for the future.

But what is, is you have the interest in finding someone who isn't heading out to become a nuclear physicist or a medical doctor in a major market - listen, life may happen but there has to be some flexibility with the persons overall show of persistence, commitment, and follow through when interested in someone, connecting, and proactively taking interest in meeting as well as determining some chemistry. This happens to everybody, It is a risk we take and as noted you are not alone. 

Maybe try a different strategy? Maybe stop worrying about creating a spark and connection and focus more on just having fun and enjoying yourself. Go on dates with the mindset that you are just going to meet someone new and see if you click, rather than putting pressure on yourself to connect with everyone. I am not a fan of multi-dating in general but I think for you maybe it would work? 

I could be pulling this from my own assumptions, but I get the feeling that maybe you're a little insecure about not connecting with another person in person. 

Your post kind of gives off this air that you don't really like yourself. 

Also, I'm going to let you in on a secret: relationships should come naturally. 

I think meeting people in a more casual way would help you. Maybe, rather than looking for that "spark" or a connection right off the bat, you relax. 

1. Talk to people who engage with you in public.
2. Join meetups for people with common interests
3. Join friend-of-a-friend hangouts 

Then maybe, rather than jumping immediately to the dating part, just enjoy the moment. Get to know the person as a friend. This isn't your goal? This isn't going to lead to marriage? Who cares. Start somewhere. See where it goes. You don't just see someone and "click" always. Most of the time, it can be a quiet background thing that turns into this internal connection. Maybe that's what it is for you. 

If you are worried that someone you’re dating is not a good fit for you, listen to your gut and keep it casual. If you're concerned that you're not going to be good enough for someone you're dating who seems like a great catch, don't worry — they will probably have doubts about whether they will be good enough for you as well. Being able to sense chemistry is a gift, not a curse.

So relax and try to enjoy the experience of getting to know different people. Instead of focusing so much on whether or not there’s a spark, focus on whether or not you’re having fun. Are you relaxed and engaged? Are you enjoying yourself? Are you keeping it light and learning a little about someone new each time? 

If the answer to these questions is “yes,” and you still can’t find yourself making a romantic connection, consider consulting a dating or relationship expert for assistance. Sometimes we need a bit of help to uncover what’s really going on with our dating life.

I know I hear your suggestions. But my friends have never had any friends they can introduce me. And I’ve tried making friends in London as an adult and it’s impossible, everyone has their own lives. I’ve tried meet-ups but I’ve got serious imposter syndrome which means I’ll be forcing myself to go to do things I don’t enjoy. My hobbies are ladies tennis, knitting club so I don’t know how to meet people there. I work from home too, which makes me very lonely and depressed.

 

I do like myself, I’m relaxed and engaged on the dates. Dates feel kinda platonic the first time we meet, but men usually tell me they don’t feel the romantic spark. I’m not expecting to feel that on the first date, I just want to have a relaxed time 

 

I wish it worked out with the last guy, it really should have worked out. It was amazing how well we got along together. I wanted it to work as I liked him as a person. Now we don’t even talk and it feels horrible because all that effort into building a connection. He said he didn’t feel we were right fit, but nothing he said when we were dating indicated that. He would always speak of how well we click. So I don’t know what I lack. He wasn’t sure if he would stay in my country long term as he’s from other side of the world, part of me wonders if that can prevent a man from wanting to commit to a relationship and stops himself from catching feelings. He’s still always curious about what I’m getting up to etc 

[yogacat]

31 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I know I hear your suggestions. But my friends have never had any friends they can introduce me. And I’ve tried making friends in London as an adult and it’s impossible, everyone has their own lives. I’ve tried meet-ups but I’ve got serious imposter syndrome which means I’ll be forcing myself to go to do things I don’t enjoy. My hobbies are ladies tennis, knitting club so I don’t know how to meet people there. I work from home too, which makes me very lonely and depressed.

 

I do like myself, I’m relaxed and engaged on the dates. Dates feel kinda platonic the first time we meet, but men usually tell me they don’t feel the romantic spark. I’m not expecting to feel that on the first date, I just want to have a relaxed time 

 

I wish it worked out with the last guy, it really should have worked out. It was amazing how well we got along together. I wanted it to work as I liked him as a person. Now we don’t even talk and it feels horrible because all that effort into building a connection. He said he didn’t feel we were right fit, but nothing he said when we were dating indicated that. He would always speak of how well we click. So I don’t know what I lack. He wasn’t sure if he would stay in my country long term as he’s from other side of the world, part of me wonders if that can prevent a man from wanting to commit to a relationship and stops himself from catching feelings. He’s still always curious about what I’m getting up to etc 

You don't lack anything. You're fine. You'll meet someone who will think you're great.

Be careful not to overthink or take too much ownership when things like this happen. Sometimes, we don't know what happens with someone else because it has to do with them, not us. This guy sounds a bit too flaky and self involved for me. That’s why dating is such a trial and error thing. You strike out a lot but then you hit one out of the park and it was so worth it. Hold out for the home run.

This other guy, do you still feel ‘warm’ about this other guy or is it just curiosity?

[LovelyRoses]

39 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You don't lack anything. You're fine. You'll meet someone who will think you're great.

Be careful not to overthink or take too much ownership when things like this happen. Sometimes, we don't know what happens with someone else because it has to do with them, not us. This guy sounds a bit too flaky and self involved for me. That’s why dating is such a trial and error thing. You strike out a lot but then you hit one out of the park and it was so worth it. Hold out for the home run.

This other guy, do you still feel ‘warm’ about this other guy or is it just curiosity?

It’s more curiosity now. Like I feel a bit of sad nolstagia thinking back to how amazing the dates with him were and how much fun we had together and our romantic evenings cooking together. I’ve stopped feeling atttacted to people lately too and I don’t even feel anything when I see his picture anymore. If he asked to meet up, I would say yes. I like him as a person and don’t understand why we weren’t a match to him. We did meet up a few times a couple months ago and he kept hugging me how he loves seeing me. Was texting me all the time (sending me memes and recipes all the time) and disappeared again suddenly after I felt we were getting close . Sometimes he checks on ‘I hope you’re well’ and when I reply, he ignores me. That’s super confusing to me and o feel like he ruined our good thing 

[yogacat]

32 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

It’s more curiosity now. Like I feel a bit of sad nolstagia thinking back to how amazing the dates with him were and how much fun we had together and our romantic evenings cooking together. I’ve stopped feeling atttacted to people lately too and I don’t even feel anything when I see his picture anymore. If he asked to meet up, I would say yes. I like him as a person and don’t understand why we weren’t a match to him. We did meet up a few times a couple months ago and he kept hugging me how he loves seeing me. Was texting me all the time (sending me memes and recipes all the time) and disappeared again suddenly after I felt we were getting close . Sometimes he checks on ‘I hope you’re well’ and when I reply, he ignores me. That’s super confusing to me and o feel like he ruined our good thing 

Oh, I was thinking maybe you two could reignite your thing! 😃 But you're right, he keeps resurfacing out of nowhere and then disappearing. Sounds like he just wants to keep things light.

[LovelyRoses]

54 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Oh, I was thinking maybe you two could reignite your thing! 😃 But you're right, he keeps resurfacing out of nowhere and then disappearing. Sounds like he just wants to keep things light.

I’d be open to reigniting it. He told me he didn’t feel romantic and I don’t know why. When things were very romantic between us on dates. It’s like he got all scared and doubtful for some reason. He’s from the other side of the world and more recently he told me he will give it a year or two before he thinks he will return. Don’t know if that can make a man avoid romantic feelings? Arghhh wish I knew why men don’t feel that for me

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said:

I’d be open to reigniting it. He told me he didn’t feel romantic and I don’t know why. When things were very romantic between us on dates. It’s like he got all scared and doubtful for some reason. He’s from the other side of the world and more recently he told me he will give it a year or two before he thinks he will return. Don’t know if that can make a man avoid romantic feelings? Arghhh wish I knew why men don’t feel that for me

Well you've said too that you rarely have romantic feelings for men either, so it happens, right? 😃Let's hope you get lucky soon and feel all the butterflies.😉

[LovelyRoses]

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well you've said too that you rarely have romantic feelings for men either, so it happens, right? 😃Let's hope you get lucky soon and feel all the butterflies.😉

I wonder what is going on with the last guy I dated. He told me he just had casual things for a few years until he met me. He told me he not sure he will stay here in my country long term, so could that cause a guy to try and avoid getting feelings? Me and him really clicked , and I do miss him dearly 

 

don’t know why he messages me sometimes but then never ever replies

[Batya33]

To me it's incredibly concerning the expectations Lovelyroses had from a first meet with a stranger. A stranger for all dating purposes.  Dating requires a thick skin.  No expectations that a first meet with a stranger will lead to a first date unless and until a first date is planned time and place and in early dating no expectations that early dating will lead to serious dating let alone the person being your committed exclusive partner. 

Zero guarantees of finding a partner but there's almost no chance if there's  this self-sabotage of wildly unrealistic expectations because it will come across on first meets and men who are reasonably stable and reasonably secure and open to meeting someone will almost always sense the desperation in some way and run for the hills.  I could sense it or see it and I did run as well.  I worked my behind off to be out there dating, meeting people -not just men -networking for many more years than the OP and I had to become the right person to find the right person which I did around my 39th bday.  I will be 58 soon. I didn't settle. 

I had to go out of my comfort zone to find the right person and I did give up temporarily but I had my heart set on doing my very best to find a husband and start a family and NOT settle in the least.  I didn't settle in the least.  Please do not give up - and evaluate all these self-sabotaging behaviors of yours.  JMHO.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I wonder what is going on with the last guy I dated. He told me he just had casual things for a few years until he met me. He told me he not sure he will stay here in my country long term, so could that cause a guy to try and avoid getting feelings? Me and him really clicked , and I do miss him dearly 

 

don’t know why he messages me sometimes but then never ever replies

In general people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  I think he told you he might not stay in your country long term to avoid leading you on.  If he saw serious potential with you he would have expressed it to make sure you knew that even if he did eventually relocate he would want to know if there was a possiblity you'd be willing to relocate.  You put this in an odd way.  Nothing "causes a person" to avoid getting feelings.  A person who doesn't see serious potential or isn't available for serious relationships will act in a way to keep a distance from the person so that yes by acting that way he will lessen the risk of getting emotionally attached.  It is why I never had casual sex as I knew I'd get emotionally attached through sex.  

It's interesting that you chose to get emotionally attached to a man who told you early on he might not be sticking around.  If you truly want a serious relationship, a partner, why would you continue to hang out with a person who might be relocating and didn't express an interest in you potentially relocating with him? When my future husband and I got back together after almost 8 years apart our first conversation was whether I'd be willing to relocate for his career  - it was important to him to know up front of course as he saw serious potential. 

[LovelyRoses]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In general people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  I think he told you he might not stay in your country long term to avoid leading you on.  If he saw serious potential with you he would have expressed it to make sure you knew that even if he did eventually relocate he would want to know if there was a possiblity you'd be willing to relocate.  You put this in an odd way.  Nothing "causes a person" to avoid getting feelings.  A person who doesn't see serious potential or isn't available for serious relationships will act in a way to keep a distance from the person so that yes by acting that way he will lessen the risk of getting emotionally attached.  It is why I never had casual sex as I knew I'd get emotionally attached through sex.  

It's interesting that you chose to get emotionally attached to a man who told you early on he might not be sticking around.  If you truly want a serious relationship, a partner, why would you continue to hang out with a person who might be relocating and didn't express an interest in you potentially relocating with him? When my future husband and I got back together after almost 8 years apart our first conversation was whether I'd be willing to relocate for his career  - it was important to him to know up front of course as he saw serious potential. 

No he told me when we were dating he loved this country and this was his home. Then he lost his job a few months into us dating and he started to have doubts about his future here. But cause it was so early on, I couldn’t start talking about relocating. When we met as friends recently, he told me he will go home in the next year or two as he’s thought about things. So maybe he emotionally unavailable for a relationship. 
 

I don’t want to worry I am a ‘pain.’ He would always talk about how similar we are and how well we click, and he was very affectionate.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, LovelyRoses said:

No he told me when we were dating he loved this country and this was his home. Then he lost his job a few months into us dating and he started to have doubts about his future here. But cause it was so early on, I couldn’t start talking about relocating. When we met as friends recently, he told me he will go home in the next year or two as he’s thought about things. So maybe he emotionally unavailable for a relationship. 
 

I don’t want to worry I am a ‘pain.’ He would always talk about how similar we are and how well we click, and he was very affectionate.

That's not at all what I wrote.  He'd have asked  you if things worked out in the future would you be willing to relocate -to find out early on if it was a dealbreaker.  My future husband and I assumed we'd be long distance from the beginning -and life happens and within two weeks he actually ended up staying in our city longer - but he asked if we ended up married would I be willing to relocate.  It's never too early to talk about dealbreakers -like if the person wants children, wants marriage -in general - or if in general there is a reason they must live where they lie now.  

He might be emotionally unavailable or he might not have been that into you - dating requires a thick skin as I wrote above -for me it made me feel saner to assume the man wasn't that into me especially if I might learn later he was with someone else.  One boyfriend ended things after 5 months, then wanted to hook up occasionally (I did once or twice -what a stupid decision) then met his future wife a few months later who was more attractive than me.  But unlike you I accepted he wasn't that into me even though for years he'd been a player type -according to him -and was 40 years old.  It gave me an ouch feeling when I found out he met her and later got engaged but not as bad as if I'd had your mindset.  

[yogacat]

34 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I wonder what is going on with the last guy I dated. He told me he just had casual things for a few years until he met me. He told me he not sure he will stay here in my country long term, so could that cause a guy to try and avoid getting feelings? Me and him really clicked , and I do miss him dearly 

 

don’t know why he messages me sometimes but then never ever replies

Because you keep replying. You give him something in return and he doesn't feel obliged to do anything else. In the converse, you're still focused on him.

This other man's attention span is short. He is more interested in talking about himself than learning about you. That's not uncommon. But, is that the type of attention you want and would this man suit you long term? Probably not. He's better suited as a one-time date.

[LovelyRoses]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's not at all what I wrote.  He'd have asked  you if things worked out in the future would you be willing to relocate -to find out early on if it was a dealbreaker.  My future husband and I assumed we'd be long distance from the beginning -and life happens and within two weeks he actually ended up staying in our city longer - but he asked if we ended up married would I be willing to relocate.  It's never too early to talk about dealbreakers -like if the person wants children, wants marriage -in general - or if in general there is a reason they must live where they lie now.  

He might be emotionally unavailable or he might not have been that into you - dating requires a thick skin as I wrote above -for me it made me feel saner to assume the man wasn't that into me especially if I might learn later he was with someone else.  One boyfriend ended things after 5 months, then wanted to hook up occasionally (I did once or twice -what a stupid decision) then met his future wife a few months later who was more attractive than me.  But unlike you I accepted he wasn't that into me even though for years he'd been a player type -according to him -and was 40 years old.  It gave me an ouch feeling when I found out he met her and later got engaged but not as bad as if I'd had your mindset.  

I can understand women not being that into me, but you can usually tell when someone doesn’t fancy you and he seemed like he really did fancy me. Like I’ve been on so many dates where men just seem completely not attracted to me, this guy seemed different

 

and I don’t act desperately toward anyone. I’m very direct when I’m dating because I think it’s important to be communicative but I don’t do any other desperate behaviour. I keep getting told on dates I seem very independent. And a lot of dates where men don’t think I’m interested when I am interested in them? It’s just a first date so I treat it as a first meeting. 
 

and then the date last week, I thought was going to go better. Didn’t expect it to go like that. Just feeling a bit fed up. Everyone has ‘someone’ and I don’t have anyone to see regularly and get to know 

[LovelyRoses]

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Because you keep replying. You give him something in return and he doesn't feel obliged to do anything else. In the converse, you're still focused on him.

This other man's attention span is short. He is more interested in talking about himself than learning about you. That's not uncommon. But, is that the type of attention you want and would this man suit you long term? Probably not. He's better suited as a one-time date.

Of course I reply, it’s rude to ignore plus I want to maintain the connection we had. So I do reply in a friendly way. So it doesn’t make sense 

[yogacat]

32 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

and I don’t act desperately toward anyone. I’m very direct when I’m dating because I think it’s important to be communicative but I don’t do any other desperate behaviour. I keep getting told on dates I seem very independent. And a lot of dates where men don’t think I’m interested when I am interested in them? It’s just a first date so I treat it as a first meeting. 

If you're coming across as independent, then that might be one of the reasons why men think you're not interested in them and that could be why they don't pursue you further. That doesn't mean you should change who you are, but it might be helpful to try and strike a balance between being independent and showing some vulnerability. Just make sure when you do show interest, it's genuine and not just because you feel like you're supposed to.

Pointing back to what you said earlier, that you're not attracted to many men, maybe narrow down the types of men you actually go on dates with? I mean, they say you should go out on dates with people even if you don't find them 100% attractive. But, if it's a recurring pattern, then it might be worth re-evaluating and seeing if there's a specific type of man that you click with more. 

I recently learned that with a man I had been talking to. He kept wanting to get to know me more, but I wasn't sure about him. So I kept my distance a bit. But, he said a couple things and it clicked. I never thought of it. I was attracted to him probably....75%. Add that to his great personality, and maybe it'll be enough. But he asked me out and initially I declined. The second time I was open to it. Except I think at that point he got the impression he's put in all this effort and I wasn't reciprocating. 

So even though I don't think either of these men are a match for you, if you got out with men that you're interested in and coming off a little bit more warm and vulnerable maybe it'll hit better.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I can understand women not being that into me, but you can usually tell when someone doesn’t fancy you and he seemed like he really did fancy me. Like I’ve been on so many dates where men just seem completely not attracted to me, this guy seemed different

 

and I don’t act desperately toward anyone. I’m very direct when I’m dating because I think it’s important to be communicative but I don’t do any other desperate behaviour. I keep getting told on dates I seem very independent. And a lot of dates where men don’t think I’m interested when I am interested in them? It’s just a first date so I treat it as a first meeting. 
 

and then the date last week, I thought was going to go better. Didn’t expect it to go like that. Just feeling a bit fed up. Everyone has ‘someone’ and I don’t have anyone to see regularly and get to know 

If you are having these expectations and hopes about a stranger I guarantee you it's coming through in your vibes and energy. I've been on both sides. No it's not true at all that everyone has someone.  Please stop telling that lie to yourself.  And some who have someone would be better off having no one (no matter what their SM photos look like LOL). I know of a gorgeous couple with two gorgeous little boys who travel all over the world with them, both have amazing professional jobs, she is in her 40s and thin and fit, he is devastatingly handsome. Here is what I also know cause we've had a couple of long phone calls.  He cheated on her with a coworker, she divorced him.  They had one child.  Then they got back together, had another child.  He cheated again. 

At this point they are together and hold themselves out as married but they are not married.  My sense is the reason she is painfully thin is either because she's trying to "keep him" or the stress of living with a man who has cheated like that makes one lose one's appetite.  If you knew her and didn't know what I know because she didn't share you'd think she not only has someone but they're this gorgeous power couple.

I have two other women I am friendly with.  One is divorced, overweight and after her divorce had a child on her own who is around 5 now.  The other got divorced a couple of years ago and has teenage kids and is I think quite pretty but not in a model way. The first woman recently met a man in the last 6 months to a year. He is overweight, glasses, with like the biggest smile ever in all the photos -that sort of genuine beaming living life smile.  She is the same. 

He is not attractive looking and neither is she.  I am so delighted for her.  She is in her 40s and she's been through the wringer.  She is not 28.  I met her when she was in her early 30s at a social event.  She worked her behind off in her professional life and bemoaned her single life -she wanted marriage and family.  She did get married but then divorced and this man - remember she met him in her 40s.  Not 28.  I am rooting for them -love how they post photos with all their physical imperfections but you can see how much fun they're having and what high regard they hold each other.

The other woman -got divorced and went to singles events and online dating and she would message me about being selective in finding the right person and not involving her daughters.  The man she's now been with for probably 2 years- very very nerdy looking overall.  But like I wrote in the last paragraph -those beaming smiles and she's told me how happy they are together.  My sense is they are in their late 40s/early 50s.  

So yes there are many happy couples, there are people who settle just to have Someone, and all in between. Please stop this nonsense of trying to keep up with the Joneses and telling yourself these self-sabotaging stories about how everyone has someone.  I do.  I told you I do.  He is the most wonderful husband and one reason why -I am so appreciative because I worked my behind off  to become the right person to find him again and have our second chance.  Marriage is a wonderful institution. It is easier to be married at least in the world I live in - it's a little perk of marriage. To me personally parenthood is like winning the lottery in one sense (not in many others -it's hard work!).

Marriage to the right person when you don't settle and you don't meet when you're desperate and needy and telling yourself wow this stranger better like me cause otherwise I'm All Alone and don't have Someone.  That's when you'll pick wrong most likely.  Don't be that person -not being that person is totally a choice.  Make that choice.  If you truly want the chance to find the right person despite no guarantees.  Be honest with yourself if you really want that becuase sometimes all those lies and self-sabotaging actions are designed to avoid that level of intimacy and vulnerability and responsibility that comes within a stable serious romantic relationship.  

[LovelyRoses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If you are having these expectations and hopes about a stranger I guarantee you it's coming through in your vibes and energy. I've been on both sides. No it's not true at all that everyone has someone.  Please stop telling that lie to yourself.  And some who have someone would be better off having no one (no matter what their SM photos look like LOL). I know of a gorgeous couple with two gorgeous little boys who travel all over the world with them, both have amazing professional jobs, she is in her 40s and thin and fit, he is devastatingly handsome. Here is what I also know cause we've had a couple of long phone calls.  He cheated on her with a coworker, she divorced him.  They had one child.  Then they got back together, had another child.  He cheated again. 

At this point they are together and hold themselves out as married but they are not married.  My sense is the reason she is painfully thin is either because she's trying to "keep him" or the stress of living with a man who has cheated like that makes one lose one's appetite.  If you knew her and didn't know what I know because she didn't share you'd think she not only has someone but they're this gorgeous power couple.

I have two other women I am friendly with.  One is divorced, overweight and after her divorce had a child on her own who is around 5 now.  The other got divorced a couple of years ago and has teenage kids and is I think quite pretty but not in a model way. The first woman recently met a man in the last 6 months to a year. He is overweight, glasses, with like the biggest smile ever in all the photos -that sort of genuine beaming living life smile.  She is the same. 

He is not attractive looking and neither is she.  I am so delighted for her.  She is in her 40s and she's been through the wringer.  She is not 28.  I met her when she was in her early 30s at a social event.  She worked her behind off in her professional life and bemoaned her single life -she wanted marriage and family.  She did get married but then divorced and this man - remember she met him in her 40s.  Not 28.  I am rooting for them -love how they post photos with all their physical imperfections but you can see how much fun they're having and what high regard they hold each other.

The other woman -got divorced and went to singles events and online dating and she would message me about being selective in finding the right person and not involving her daughters.  The man she's now been with for probably 2 years- very very nerdy looking overall.  But like I wrote in the last paragraph -those beaming smiles and she's told me how happy they are together.  My sense is they are in their late 40s/early 50s.  

So yes there are many happy couples, there are people who settle just to have Someone, and all in between. Please stop this nonsense of trying to keep up with the Joneses and telling yourself these self-sabotaging stories about how everyone has someone.  I do.  I told you I do.  He is the most wonderful husband and one reason why -I am so appreciative because I worked my behind off  to become the right person to find him again and have our second chance.  Marriage is a wonderful institution. It is easier to be married at least in the world I live in - it's a little perk of marriage. To me personally parenthood is like winning the lottery in one sense (not in many others -it's hard work!).

Marriage to the right person when you don't settle and you don't meet when you're desperate and needy and telling yourself wow this stranger better like me cause otherwise I'm All Alone and don't have Someone.  That's when you'll pick wrong most likely.  Don't be that person -not being that person is totally a choice.  Make that choice.  If you truly want the chance to find the right person despite no guarantees.  Be honest with yourself if you really want that becuase sometimes all those lies and self-sabotaging actions are designed to avoid that level of intimacy and vulnerability and responsibility that comes within a stable serious romantic relationship.  

No it didn’t come through in my vibes, my messages in the app were perfectly noRmal and he was acting distant before we met. I can even show you the messages I sent him, not a drop of desperation, just friendly and engaged and trust me my friends agree too. 

it’s been 9 days since the date and I’m about to delete him off the app, is it ok to send a polite message basically saying nice to meet last week, take care. Because ghosting I can never forgive myself for even if the other person hasn’t texted me

[LovelyRoses]

13 hours ago, yogacat said:

If you're coming across as independent, then that might be one of the reasons why men think you're not interested in them and that could be why they don't pursue you further. That doesn't mean you should change who you are, but it might be helpful to try and strike a balance between being independent and showing some vulnerability. Just make sure when you do show interest, it's genuine and not just because you feel like you're supposed to.

Pointing back to what you said earlier, that you're not attracted to many men, maybe narrow down the types of men you actually go on dates with? I mean, they say you should go out on dates with people even if you don't find them 100% attractive. But, if it's a recurring pattern, then it might be worth re-evaluating and seeing if there's a specific type of man that you click with more. 

I recently learned that with a man I had been talking to. He kept wanting to get to know me more, but I wasn't sure about him. So I kept my distance a bit. But, he said a couple things and it clicked. I never thought of it. I was attracted to him probably....75%. Add that to his great personality, and maybe it'll be enough. But he asked me out and initially I declined. The second time I was open to it. Except I think at that point he got the impression he's put in all this effort and I wasn't reciprocating. 

So even though I don't think either of these men are a match for you, if you got out with men that you're interested in and coming off a little bit more warm and vulnerable maybe it'll hit better.

I am very warm with the guy I went on a date with. I’m certainly vulnerable too, i don’t big myself up, im confident but very in touch with myself emotionally, men say I appear very empathetic. Like I open up about small things on the first date, but not like big things like trauma. Like things like im finding my job hard at the minute and im working on finding my passion. And how I visit my family a lot because I miss them a lot. That’s being vulnerable right? 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

I am very warm with the guy I went on a date with. I’m certainly vulnerable too, i don’t big myself up, im confident but very in touch with myself emotionally, men say I appear very empathetic. Like I open up about small things on the first date, but not like big things like trauma. Like things like im finding my job hard at the minute and im working on finding my passion. And how I visit my family a lot because I miss them a lot. That’s being vulnerable right? 

No.  I mean the vulnerability and responsibilities to another person that come with a longstanding serious commitment whether marriage/engagement/common law marriage or the couple making that sort of commitment to each other.  I always could sense desperation and unrealistic expectations on first meets and first dates and it was always a turn off and almost always a dealbreaker for me.  I was once told I was very "forward" on a first meet - the guy was very cute and very extroverted and I was charmed and likely coming across in a very direct way he didn't prefer.  Obviously he didn't ask me out again. 

But I met a number of men who were attractive looking and had that smell of neediness/negativity/jadedness -all of that garbage that comes from not having a thick skin or sufficient reasonable self esteem to be in the front lines of dating.

I'm not a fan of being vulnerable or oversharing on a first meet with any stranger whether friend or romantic.  It's often unfair to the other person -it's overwhelming.

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said:

No it didn’t come through in my vibes, my messages in the app were perfectly noRmal and he was acting distant before we met. I can even show you the messages I sent him, not a drop of desperation, just friendly and engaged and trust me my friends agree too. 

it’s been 9 days since the date and I’m about to delete him off the app, is it ok to send a polite message basically saying nice to meet last week, take care. Because ghosting I can never forgive myself for even if the other person hasn’t texted me

No -silence = lack of interest after a first meet.  I would send nothing.

It's like body odor -often the person who smells is not aware.  You might not be aware of your energy/vibes.  I told a man once who asked me for feedback that he came across as negative even though he smiled and said all the right things.  He responded that on reflection -I was right - he was feeling very negative about his job and after our date he quit and felt much better.  He had no idea he was coming across that way/.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I keep getting told on dates I seem very independent. And a lot of dates where men don’t think I’m interested when I am interested in them? It’s just a first date so I treat it as a first meeting. 

Hey @LR, just catching up.

^^I find what quoted above, specifically what's bolded, quite strange.  I mean, yeah it's a first date/meet, what are these guys expecting you to do, fall all over them?  Geez, lol. 

Re being independent, although I am quite independent, I have never had a man comment on this on a first meet or even the first few dates!

They typically don't find out how "independent" I am until once we're in a relationship and they've gotten to know me better.

Meaning, I rely on myself when I have an issue versus expecting a man to take care it because well he's a "man" and I'm a helpless snowflake.  Lol 

I don't think having a job and career is considered independent anymore, it's pretty much the norm these days, jmo.

So, I'm wondering why do they mention this?  And on a first meet?   

How do you respond after they ask?  Do you ask them why they think this?  Like what is it about you they find so "independent"?

I would! 

@Batya mentioned your energy and vibe.  You responded saying "it" doesn't come through in your vibes. 

LR, no one knows what type of energy they project to others, meaning how they perceive you.  Only they know how they perceive you. 

2 hours ago, LovelyRoses said:

I am very warm with the guy I went on a date with. I’m certainly vulnerable too...

Like I open up about small things on the first date, but not like big things like trauma. Like things like im finding my job hard at the minute and im working on finding my passion. And how I visit my family a lot because I miss them a lot. That’s being vulnerable right? 

If this^^ is true, then yes it's truly baffling why you don't seem to connect with most men.

I mean again it's a first date/meet, what you describe above is nothing that should turn a man off. 

Not imo anyway.  I'm the same way, and it's never turned a man off, if anything they find it intriguing!  That I'm not spilling my guts right off the bat.

The only thing I can think of is that you and he together just don't click, that certain somethin somethin (chemistry/energy) just isn't happening.

Which happens A LOT with online dating. 

My advice is just continue being you.  To me you seem perfectly healthy and normal!

If these guys expect you to fall all over them otherwise they don't think you're 'interested' or not 'vulnerable' enough, then **** that, YOU next them!

Again it's a first meet for heaven's sake!! 😀

Just live your life, your "prince" lol will eventually come.

If not that's OK too!

Live life for yourself, not others and what they expect. Or what society expects.

Be happy LR and good luck. 💛

 

 

 

[LovelyRoses]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No.  I mean the vulnerability and responsibilities to another person that come with a longstanding serious commitment whether marriage/engagement/common law marriage or the couple making that sort of commitment to each other.  I always could sense desperation and unrealistic expectations on first meets and first dates and it was always a turn off and almost always a dealbreaker for me.  I was once told I was very "forward" on a first meet - the guy was very cute and very extroverted and I was charmed and likely coming across in a very direct way he didn't prefer.  Obviously he didn't ask me out again. 

But I met a number of men who were attractive looking and had that smell of neediness/negativity/jadedness -all of that garbage that comes from not having a thick skin or sufficient reasonable self esteem to be in the front lines of dating.

I'm not a fan of being vulnerable or oversharing on a first meet with any stranger whether friend or romantic.  It's often unfair to the other person -it's overwhelming.

Omg no I don’t show any unrealistic expectations on a first date. To me a first date is simply a first meetup to see if can have nice conversation with a guy and what they are interested in. We don’t have any serious chats on a first date. I went on a. First date a few months ago and he started talking about love languages and what you learnt from last relationship and I was like this is too much for a first date. So yeah I have good self awareness, a first date just a first meeting. 
 

this week I’ve completely lost any desire to date again. Like the thought of going on another date makes me feel a bit sad. I’m worried I’m broken now. Is it normal to lose interest in dating? 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, LovelyRoses said:

Omg no I don’t show any unrealistic expectations on a first date. To me a first date is simply a first meetup to see if can have nice conversation with a guy and what they are interested in. We don’t have any serious chats on a first date. I went on a. First date a few months ago and he started talking about love languages and what you learnt from last relationship and I was like this is too much for a first date. So yeah I have good self awareness, a first date just a first meeting. 
 

this week I’ve completely lost any desire to date again. Like the thought of going on another date makes me feel a bit sad. I’m worried I’m broken now. Is it normal to lose interest in dating? 

What you wrote above-previously was what I was referring to -your hopes and expectations from this particular stranger.  Now you're sort of backpedaling.  I get the sense you don't want to respond to what I have to say and I won't comment here on why I think this is so -it's too speculative and not helpful.  Reread my input if you want.  Or not.  Good luck.