LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 Ok so get a dating app match. Exchange a couple of messages. I’m for once quite excited about a dating app match as it’s really hard for me to find people attractive as it’s very intangible. Tells me he has a busy weekend full of gigs round the country. And that he’s having a horrendously busy week. He says ‘if you’re not a big texter, next week works for me to meet.’ I reply back and confirm I’d like to meet him and sent a nice message back. But I sent it around the time his gig was starting Then I don’t think he ever reads my message again as his location in the app hasn’t changed. It’s been 5 days no reply. Why would a guy do this? Can some men simply forget they are talking to someone maybe if notifications off? im just wondering how men’s brains can work? Whether this is just failed already or whether I should be patient? sorry I’ve just had such a bad year of dating and losing hope, and this is a rare spark of hope where I’m genuinely excited to potentially go on a date with someone as weird and quirky as I am i hear things like ‘if a man finds you attractive, he will text you back instantly.’ But I don’t know how much that applies. All I know is that he asked me if I’m free to meet and then never went back on the app. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 This isn't about how men's brains work. I doubt he forgot he was talking to you. It seems he either doesn't see the need to message back until he's free to talk more about meeting up, or he has low interest. The point is that you said yourself it's only been a couple messages. You don't know each other. Take a deep breath and keep perspective. It's okay to be excited about a potential match, but don't get overly attached to the idea. Unless and until you meet, you have no clue if he's worth the excitement. See if you hear from him within a few days. If not, no big loss. I would simply keep on looking. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said: This isn't about how men's brains work. I doubt he forgot he was talking to you. It seems he either doesn't see the need to message back until he's free to talk more about meeting up, or he has low interest. The point is that you said yourself it's only been a couple messages. You don't know each other. Take a deep breath and keep perspective. It's okay to be excited about a potential match, but don't get overly attached to the idea. Unless and until you meet, you have no clue if he's worth the excitement. See if you hear from him within a few days. If not, no big loss. I would simply keep on looking. He’s not read my message though. I know I’ve just had such bad luck with dating , I’ve finally found a quirky weirdo on a dating app who I know I will get along with. not sure if people just genuinely get really busy, and focus on other things in their life. It could be low interest but then why suggest meeting? maybe he deleted the app in frustration as I didn’t reply instantly due to being at work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 I wouldn't sweat it one way or the other. if someone is busy with life they won't take as much time with a stranger, which you are at the moment. People often get addicted to the rush of some attractive stranger sending them a message on an app. Just pump the brakes on your expectations. 18 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: i hear things like ‘if a man finds you attractive, he will text you back instantly.’ Balderdash. Men, and women, aren't tied to their phones to give someone else constant validation. Just as you were not able to instantly reply to him. You honestly need to just relax, if when he's able to send a message back evaluate then. Otherwise you're just going to drive yourself mad with all of these fictitious online check boxes that don't really apply. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 3 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: He’s not read my message though Yes, I know. I got that from your previous post. 4 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: I’ve finally found a quirky weirdo on a dating app who I know I will get along with. You don't know this. It's only been a couple messages, right? You have no clue how well you would gel in real life. Look, there is no sense worrying too much about this. Your imagination is over-active and your anxiety is kicking in, because this is also quite a reach: 5 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: maybe he deleted the app in frustration as I didn’t reply instantly due to being at work Slow down. Breathe. Remember that he is not the only guy on the app and you should still be keeping your options open anyway. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 10 minutes ago, Coily said: I wouldn't sweat it one way or the other. if someone is busy with life they won't take as much time with a stranger, which you are at the moment. People often get addicted to the rush of some attractive stranger sending them a message on an app. Just pump the brakes on your expectations. Balderdash. Men, and women, aren't tied to their phones to give someone else constant validation. Just as you were not able to instantly reply to him. You honestly need to just relax, if when he's able to send a message back evaluate then. Otherwise you're just going to drive yourself mad with all of these fictitious online check boxes that don't really apply. It’s just 5 days seems an awfully long time. I wonder if he will ever reply at all. I just got a bit excited to maybe go on a date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 Yes- manage your expectations -until and unless there is a plan to meet this stranger in person -put him off your radar 100% because assume if and when he wants to meet you he will find a way to reach out. in the 1980s a man I met once through a mutual friend tracked me down where I worked part time at the time - because he was too shy to ask our mutual friend for my info. He remembered I'd told him where I worked at a day care center -in a tall office buiilding and did manual research, called me there a few days later (that's how long it took him), then had to remind me of who he was and then made sure he got my landline phone number and called and followed up with a first date plan. I'd put him off my radar after asking my mutual friend if he asked about me. (No). I once had a first meet that went phenomenally well -and he asked if I wanted to see a specific movie out the next weekend and that he would call me to set up the exact time. No call. I -called him - on a Wednesday - all of a sudden Mr. Over the Top Interested was - lukewarm - I foolishly reminded him of the movie and he said -oh ok yes let's meet. So we did. Lukewarm interest from his end during and after the movie. Whatever interest he'd had - was not there anymore - who knows why -it happens so often early on. Nothing at all "wrong" with him -in fact he got married a few years later -heard through grapevine - he just realized he wasn't interested in dating me. Dating requires a thick skin and sometimes requires a little break if you're getting so needy/desperate that you would analyze to this extent why a stranger didn't reply on an app. This is a stranger on an app who made a vague reference to being busy and wanting to meet at some point in the next week. So let him follow up. Maybe in the meanwhile he met someone at his gig, got back together with an ex, on reflection realized you are not a good match for him -nothing personal - or realized he'd prefer to match up his lone socks instead of dating right now. You don't know because he is a stranger. I am sorry you are disappointed. Back in the day I met over 100 men in person through on line sites in my 30s, did personal ads, went on blind dates, singles events and on and on. It's hard work if you're serious minded and to me not worth it for casual dating. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 14 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Yes- manage your expectations -until and unless there is a plan to meet this stranger in person -put him off your radar 100% because assume if and when he wants to meet you he will find a way to reach out. in the 1980s a man I met once through a mutual friend tracked me down where I worked part time at the time - because he was too shy to ask our mutual friend for my info. He remembered I'd told him where I worked at a day care center -in a tall office buiilding and did manual research, called me there a few days later (that's how long it took him), then had to remind me of who he was and then made sure he got my landline phone number and called and followed up with a first date plan. I'd put him off my radar after asking my mutual friend if he asked about me. (No). I once had a first meet that went phenomenally well -and he asked if I wanted to see a specific movie out the next weekend and that he would call me to set up the exact time. No call. I -called him - on a Wednesday - all of a sudden Mr. Over the Top Interested was - lukewarm - I foolishly reminded him of the movie and he said -oh ok yes let's meet. So we did. Lukewarm interest from his end during and after the movie. Whatever interest he'd had - was not there anymore - who knows why -it happens so often early on. Nothing at all "wrong" with him -in fact he got married a few years later -heard through grapevine - he just realized he wasn't interested in dating me. Dating requires a thick skin and sometimes requires a little break if you're getting so needy/desperate that you would analyze to this extent why a stranger didn't reply on an app. This is a stranger on an app who made a vague reference to being busy and wanting to meet at some point in the next week. So let him follow up. Maybe in the meanwhile he met someone at his gig, got back together with an ex, on reflection realized you are not a good match for him -nothing personal - or realized he'd prefer to match up his lone socks instead of dating right now. You don't know because he is a stranger. I am sorry you are disappointed. Back in the day I met over 100 men in person through on line sites in my 30s, did personal ads, went on blind dates, singles events and on and on. It's hard work if you're serious minded and to me not worth it for casual dating. That’s the thing, normal people meet so many potential dates on the regular. I get out and about and never meet any guys however hard I try. That’s such bad luck if he met someone at his gig. You’d think he would at least log into the app to read my message though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 I think you yourself need to manage your expectations properly. Meaning, one step at the time. He matched and you messaged, that is good. He suggested a date, that is also good. Until he confirms it, dont count your chickens. If he does confirms, good. If he doesnt, you just continue with your life. You are strangers for now. There is no need to examine stuff like this and its better to just walk through steps and see if they happen or not. If they happen, that is great. If not, there is always some other man that would walk through those steps with you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: I think you yourself need to manage your expectations properly. Meaning, one step at the time. He matched and you messaged, that is good. He suggested a date, that is also good. Until he confirms it, dont count your chickens. If he does confirms, good. If he doesnt, you just continue with your life. You are strangers for now. There is no need to examine stuff like this and its better to just walk through steps and see if they happen or not. If they happen, that is great. If not, there is always some other man that would walk through those steps with you. I don’t normally analyse. But feeling attraction is an incredibly rare thing for me. Something so intangible and has only happened 3 times in my life. I really am hopeful I get to meet this man. I’m fed up of not fancying people and when I do I don’t get to date them ever and I’m 30 now and always wanted a family but worried it will never happen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 5 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: I don’t normally analyse. But feeling attraction is an incredibly rare thing for me. Something so intangible and has only happened 3 times in my life. I really am hopeful I get to meet this man. I’m fed up of not fancying people and when I do I don’t get to date them ever and I’m 30 now and always wanted a family but worried it will never happen Yeah, but I am sorry, that really doesn’t matter. I also came to this Forum to seek advice about somebody I at the time thought it was perfect. Downright to stuff like age, education or even opinions on different things. Sadly, that doesn’t mean the thing if the other side doesn't feel the same about you. Especially in online dating where, again, you are strangers until you establish contact and at least some kind of a connection. That would require you basically dating him. Which you are not, you are currently awaiting his answer which may or may not come. So again, manage your expectations if you dont want to get disappointed heavily. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 1 hour ago, LovelyRoses said: It’s just 5 days seems an awfully long time. I wonder if he will ever reply at all. I just got a bit excited to maybe go on a date. 5 days is only a long time in this era; weeks or months would have been common in previous generations. You'll need to temper your expectations with strangers, it sucks; but that's the only way you or anyone can find contentment until you find the right person for you. I get where you're coming from, so I'm not unsympathetic; I learned the dumb lessons the hard way too. Hopefully you can take a deep breath and let this play out. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 3 minutes ago, Coily said: 5 days is only a long time in this era; weeks or months would have been common in previous generations. You'll need to temper your expectations with strangers, it sucks; but that's the only way you or anyone can find contentment until you find the right person for you. I get where you're coming from, so I'm not unsympathetic; I learned the dumb lessons the hard way too. Hopefully you can take a deep breath and let this play out. I’m just feeling quite hopeful he’s just the aloof type that maybe hasn’t checked the app for my response. He got busy doing gigs at the weekend. I actually liked him on the dating app like over 4 weeks ago and only last week did we match, and we live quite close so I gathered he hadnt been on the dating app until then. In his message he sounded a bit rushed and said he’s horrendously busy but if I want a time to meet, he’s free next week. Then he never replied again. perahaps I should be patient but I also don’t want to be stupid. Don’t want to lose the opportunity as we’re only strangers at this stage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 Give him a bit longer then; maybe a simple "Hope you are doing well" message would be appropriate. But beyond that, just wait and see if someone else also pops up. There were times when I was working 11-12 hours a day and didn't have the bandwidth to engage enough or be witty. Online dating is a lot of false starts, unfortunately. So if someone more proactive comes along, consider them as well. You aren't in the exclusive stage yet with anyone. Best of luck! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 9 minutes ago, Coily said: Give him a bit longer then; maybe a simple "Hope you are doing well" message would be appropriate. But beyond that, just wait and see if someone else also pops up. There were times when I was working 11-12 hours a day and didn't have the bandwidth to engage enough or be witty. Online dating is a lot of false starts, unfortunately. So if someone more proactive comes along, consider them as well. You aren't in the exclusive stage yet with anyone. Best of luck! I actually used to talk to this guy 2 years ago but it was just after I broke up with my ex. And then I wasn’t in a good headspace at all and one day got so upset and completely deleted the app to focus on myself. I always regretted it and I was happy that we rematched last week. I just want to meet this guy and that’s why because my regret of ‘ghosting’ him has played on my mind for years now. I’m in a much better headspace now to connect with someone new. It’s just kinda annoying he hasn’t been online. I can’t comprehend how someone could be that busy to not check an app. Sent another message but I think his notifications must be switched off as he’s not come online since I sent it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 He did that because he could. The app doesn't mean as much to him as it does to you. For you it's a lifeline. For him it's something he checks when he's bored. Out on the gigs he has ready made entertainment of all sorts. He doesn't need the app. He's one of those people that everything is spur of the moment, right now & he doesn't care enough to plan. Don't be surprised if he pops back up at some point, when he's home & bored & wants to meet in an hour. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 7 minutes ago, TeeDee said: He did that because he could. The app doesn't mean as much to him as it does to you. For you it's a lifeline. For him it's something he checks when he's bored. Out on the gigs he has ready made entertainment of all sorts. He doesn't need the app. He's one of those people that everything is spur of the moment, right now & he doesn't care enough to plan. Don't be surprised if he pops back up at some point, when he's home & bored & wants to meet in an hour. That doesn’t sound good, that makes me feel like such a loser 😞 I live in a small town and don’t meet many people, let alone ones I am attracted to. This seemed like such a positive match and a connection I am ready for. You mean he probably has loads of other dating options or are some people busy with their life they forget about dating? im attracted to kinda weird and quirky neurodivergent men, just like me. And finding people to click with like this is so hard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 You are not a loser but yes, he has other dating options AND he's busy. Since you have specific preferences which probably are not abundant in your small town, other than through apps, you need to enlarge the pond where you're fishing. What can you do & where can you do to find these weird, quirky, neurodivergent men you like? Do they hangout at particular places? Do they go to comic con for example? Is there a support group? I don't know anything about the type of person you are or seek so I can't point you in a specific direction. I know the type of men I am attracted so I learned where they hang out & I went there. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 It's a huge mistake to get attached to the 'idea" of any match prior to meeting and dating to get to know them. Someone can be interested in meeting even while they are busy and well rounded enough to compartmentalize their lives so that they can easily focus on other aspects of living. So no, such people don't tether themselves to strangers, even if they might eventually make a good match, because they don't form fantasies and live in their own head. Real life is their primary focus. Chill out. If the guy contacts you next week, then he's interested in meeting. But unless and until that happens, it's not about you, it's just messages from a total stranger on the Internet. Keep perspective. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 3 hours ago, LovelyRoses said: I’ve finally found a quirky weirdo on a dating app who I know I will get along with. How can you know any of this^ after only a couple of messages? You can't. It sounds like since he the only guy you've matched with, you've latched on to him and assigned qualities and characteristics to him that you have no idea are true or not. It's not uncommon but again you literally have no idea who he is, much less know whether you will get along or not. I'm sorry you're lonely but this is very dangerous thinking. You're getting lost in the "idea" of him and "fantasy" about who he is. Again very dangerous thinking. To me, a couple of message exchanges, guy hasn't even read my last let alone responded, I wouldn't be giving him a second thought. But then again, I have other options, and so should you! And trust me I am extremely quirky! AND introverted!! But I challenged and pushed myself. And continue to do so every single day.. Start putting yourself out there and meeting people... talking to people, you never know where it might lead. Making a new friend, a potential date, whatever. Just get out there and away from the computer is my best advice. Good luck. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: How can you know any of this^ after only a couple of messages? You can't. It sounds like since he the only guy you've matched with, you've latched on to him and assigned qualities and characteristics to him that you have no idea are true or not. It's not uncommon but again you literally have no idea who he is, much less know whether you will get along or not. I'm sorry you're lonely but this is very dangerous thinking. You're getting lost in the "idea" of him and "fantasy" about who he is. Again very dangerous thinking. To me, a couple of message exchanges, guy hasn't even read my last let alone responded, I wouldn't be giving him a second thought. But then again, I have other options, and so should you! And trust me I am extremely quirky! AND introverted!! But I challenged and pushed myself. Start putting yourself out there and meeting people... talking to people, you never know where it might lead. Making a new friend, a potential date, whatever. Just get out there and away from the computer. Good luck. I’ve actually met him 2 years ago in a bar, we chatted and got along well but I didn’t take his number. So it’s not a fantasy. It’s just happiness I’ve found him again and I have over 100 matches on dating apps and not one has replied. I’m very weird and quirky and if a man isn’t autistic, they don’t get my vibe so yeh I can’t tone myself down but this guy is as weird as me in his messages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Andrina Posted July 31 Popular Post Share Posted July 31 You could assume if he says his weekend will be consumed by traveling around the country for his work, that this is his normal routine. You're liking his photos and online personality, fantasizing about fun time together. But you've never considered you might wind up not being fulfilled with a man who is this ultra busy. When your friends are doing couples' time with their partners on the weekend, you won't be, or you're following him from town to town like a groupie. Maybe why after 2 years of you seeing him on the dating app that he's still not partnered up? Can I ask how many times a week you get out of your house for leisure time and what it is you do? Sometimes there are activities going on in a town that don't really advertise, but if you begin Googling about what you'd find fun, you just might find those events. And if you don't find what you're looking for, what's stopping you from creating your own group, possibly in Meetup.com? The types of people you seek might come out of the woodwork to join your group and expand your social circle. If you don't have strong ties of family and friends in an area, and if your career can be established elsewhere, you could also considering moving to a more populated area. If that were the case for me, and I was your age and if my career wasn't high paying or stagnant, I'd find it exciting to go to another country like Japan where they normally hire people to teach English, or I'd join the Peace Corps. My friend did and worked in Jamaica on water quality, where he happened to meet another American doing the same and they had a relationship for several years. Just some ideas to change up how you normally do things, which isn't working, to shake things up. Good luck. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 9 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: I’ve actually met him 2 years ago in a bar, we chatted and got along well but I didn’t take his number. So it’s not a fantasy. It’s just happiness I’ve found him again and I have over 100 matches on dating apps and not one has replied. I’m very weird and quirky and if a man isn’t autistic, they don’t get my vibe so yeh I can’t tone myself down but this guy is as weird as me in his messages. None of this^ makes any difference, you are still lost in the idea and fantasy of who he is versus who he actually IS. Which requires spending time together, experiencing life together, talking, sharing, getting to know each other for longer than one night at a bar and a couple of text messages. As such, my original opinion and advice still stands. But good luck I hope it all works out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovelyRoses Posted July 31 Author Share Posted July 31 7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: None of this^ makes any difference, you are still lost in the idea and fantasy of who he is versus who he actually IS. Which requires spending time together, experiencing life together, talking, sharing, getting to know each other for longer than one night at a bar and a couple of text messages. As such, my original opinion and advice still stands. But good luck I hope it all works out for you. I know but I just want to meet him again as I feel attraction so rarely. I feel like the universe teases me with these connections. Or potential connections. I don’t want to be on a dating app. I want to be meeting people and having real conversations and I want to meet him So don’t know why he would send ‘life is horrendously busy right now but if you’re looking for a day to meet, next week works for me :)’ I replied back quickly and enthusiastically only to realise he’s not been online since Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 10 minutes ago, LovelyRoses said: ... ‘life is horrendously busy right now but if you’re looking for a day to meet, next week works for me :)’ I replied back quickly and enthusiastically only to realise he’s not been online since It's not next week yet. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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