Stuck on the past?

[boozybunny83]

This is long but necessary because I really need advice. Been going out with this man for 2 months. 9 dates. We became exclusive on 8th date. On our 8th date he brings up his ex, Lisa, into the convo. He is 37. So am I and so is Lisa. He dated Lisa when he was 23-27 for 4 yrs and he almost got engaged to her, he had a ring on hold but then said he broke it off with her cause she gave him an ultimatum and he wasn’t ready to get married. He said he knew she wanted kids and to be a young mom so he broke up with her. Lisa is happily married with a kid now. He said things to me in present tense like “she is the love of my life”, “she ticks off everything on my checklist”, “I compare every woman I date to the love i felt for her”, “I ended my next relationship which lasted 4 yrs and was probably a rebound because while I did feel love for this woman, I felt greater love when I was with Lisa so I knew I was capable of more love so I ended it.” He told me “Lisa and I had a great relationship and we never fought.” He said he thinks it was probably good that they didn’t marry because he’s certain they would be divorcing or divorced by now. He said this again on the 9th date too. 

I asked him hypotheticals- if you met her now would you be with her? He said “yes if we were meeting for the first time because she fits everything I’ve been looking for.” I asked what about if she was single right now and wanted to be with you again and everything from the past was the same? He said “Maybe. I’d explore it but I’d be worried about hurt feelings to work through because I know i really hurt her.” He seemed to feel guilt for hurting her. Then I said what about if she got divorced right now and he said “No because she has a kid and has been married.” He really avoids dating moms because he doesn’t want to raise another man’s kids. 

Apparently he was also very overwhelmed with a big job in finance working 60 hrs/week in his 20’s and claims he got into drugs (cocaine, molly, sleeping pills, anxiety meds and Adderall for ADHD) and claims he got into them 2 yrs after Lisa. He has had 5 or 6 relationships which lasted 6 months to 1 yr long so he has had a lot of relationships after the 4 yr rebound relationship that came after Lisa. He told me that the women he dated have accused him of not loving them or not loving them enough and of lacking empathy and sympathy.

I was upset and told him he sounds like he idealizes the past with Lisa but I try to move past it. On 9th date, he brings up Lisa again…not even sure how or why. He repeats the same things he said last time and adds a bit more. “She checks every one of my boxes”, “I’m mad that I didn’t meet her now instead of in my 20’s.” This time I showed I was very upset and we ended up in a 2 hr conversation over this. He tried to fix things but was not doing a great job. He said, “You two are completely different. You both look totally different. Your personalities are very different.” “I ended it with her…” In fact,  he said he had opportunity to get back with her cause she reached out to him and said if this is about hooking up with other women, then it’s ok go do what you have to and then we can get married. He said she reached out to him another time wanting to talk and he said “I don’t think that would be a good idea” and that was the last time they spoke. He kept saying she is married with kids now as if this info would make me feel better. When I said he idealizes the past and is hung up on this ex from a decade ago, he laughed. But later on after talking about it while I was very upset, he admitted perhaps I put that relationship up on a pedestal. He kept saying he does not compare women to her but to the “feeling of love” he had for her. I said I didn’t think that relationship was that good of a love relationship as he may think it was from the sound of it. An hour later he started saying “I mean you might be right that it wasn’t that good of a relationship since we were long distance for the last 2 yrs of it and she did have her flaws.” He eventually became nice and tried to say nice things to fix things with me. He sent me nice texts the same night and next day saying he hopes we can work through this and he promises to prioritize my feelings and be open in communication. He said he wishes he had never said anything about her to me. But one thing that has confused me is he told me multiple times that he felt like the ex stuff was bothering me (after date 8 when it was first brought up) and so he brought it up because he knew it was bothering me. I said to him, “you brought it up because it was bothering and decided to…say all the same exact things again?” He didn’t have an answer for this. 

After being very nice, a few hours later, he sent me a text adding on his own concerns….apparently me telling him I lived with an ex in my 20’s within a month of dating really bothers him. I don’t know why? And he was bothered that I used to affiliate myself with an opposing political party when I was in my early 20’s before I grew and did my research…. Again, I did not understand why suddenly this bothers him especially since it’s from 15 yrs ago and seems trivial. He went on to say you’re not the person I thought you were and said these things sound hypocritical…. 

I got more upset by this and said you are upset with me over these trivial things which I don’t think can be labeled hypocritical from so long ago in my past…but you told me about your drug history and that’s not bothersome? 

He did not respond for 24 hrs. When he did, he sounded offended and said I can’t believe it took you less than 24 hrs to throw the drug thing at me. I thought I could trust you. It won’t happen again. 

I admit my message probably sounded like it could be easily misconstrued  to sound mean but I felt like he threw my past at me first…

I responded with a long message sounding like I am out the door almost and how his behavior after being really sweet suddenly turned so rude and all of this piled on right after all the ex stuff that I’m still grappling with. I pointed out that he literally wrote that he promises to prioritize me and our communication but then I didn’t hear from him for over 24 hrs. In fact, I called him on sat night (but it was midnight) in order to talk. He texted me in the AM that he would call me back after the gym which felt like he still wasn’t prioritizing me because he does not have a strict gym schedule and just goes with the flow on Saturdays. 

He turned all sweet again and apologized and is hoping we can salvage this and have a talk/meet in person. He keeps texting me and said he already knows he likes me enough not to leave me and said if I want this to end, I’m going to have to be the one to say it because he is not. Last message I received was him asking me how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and if we can work through this or if we are done. I know that he doesn’t want to waste time which he has told me a few times because he really wants kids and he’s bummed he doesn’t have them yet by now. So he probably wants an answer because he doesn’t want to waste time. 

I really like this man and we have an incredible amount in common. He has qualities that are hard to find especially at my age 🙁. Believe it or not but ALL the qualities I’m about to list have been SO hard to find and I’ve been trying to find a man actively on dating apps and in person for 5-7yrs! It’s been hard to find a man who wants kids and is eager to settle down, wants marriage, has excellent written communication, tries to get to know me, texts me consistently and writes really well which impresses me so much, he writes me paragraphs and puts effort in, he plans dates, he and I have the same future vision and goals- we want to own land, to move down south and get out of our state, we are politically aligned as well, he makes amazing money to support a family which has also been extremely hard to find here where I live and my personal dream is to be a stay at home mom and he is happy with this plan. He also soon will be more free to stay home and work and even work less which means he can be a present parent for kids. All of these qualities are what I’ve been looking for in a man…and finally found them. It’s crazy because these things are all hard to find here where I live let alone in one man.

I don’t know what to do. Part of me doesn’t want to let him go but other part is worried to continue. I’ve looked up the ex and while she is decently pretty, she is highly accomplished and a millionaire with a successful business. She seems like a sweetheart like me except even more because she does things for charities. She is very physically active, I am not like this. She seems like a huge people person to be successful at her job, I am also not like this. She also seems very happy & positive which I’m known for being also except she seems perhaps even more energetically happy than me which I did not know was possible lol. She runs in the same circles as me and also in the same circles as his friends and family so I worry we could run into her while living here…although we both want to move away to settle down so hopefully that would be a temporary worry. 

He told me that his mom still follows her on social media and so does his sister, but he neglected to tell me that he still follows her brother and sister on social media. He told me that his mom sent screenshots to him of Lisa’s wedding when she got married and then also when she had her baby….that’s really weird to me. Especially because these events occurred 5 yrs after they broke up. 

One thing I will say is that he kept saying to me a few times now that Lisa has kids and said she has 3 kids…..I looked at her public social media and it’s very easy to learn from it that she has one kid. I suppose this one thing makes me feel slightly better that perhaps he isn’t as hung up on her as I thought because I would think he would know exactly how many kids she has otherwise. 

I would love thoughts, opinions and if anyone may have experienced something similar? Thank you…

[Cherylyn]

This guy you speak of has red flags all over the place.  My thoughts?  He's a reject.  He's too complicated,  still thinks about his ex a lot,  still hasn't let go of his ex and his family is weird.  His communication with you is foolishly dramatic.

It's better to be with a man who is mentally sound and stable.  You'd better shop around.  Never settle for mediocrity or less than that because the relationship or marriage will not survive.  Haste makes waste.

[Batya33]

Why in the world would you spend time with a person -let alone date the person -who acts in such a rude, tasteless, tacky and offensive way? I mean sure if you were just buddies and he wanted to go on and on about his ex from long ago and you were up for that -fine -but do you really dislike yourself so much to subject yourself to this level of rudeness and disrespect? How is it you have anything in common that would make this tolerable -are you also a person who would treat another human this way - I bet not - you don't have that in common , do you?

[boozybunny83]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

This guy you speak of has red flags all over the place.  My thoughts?  He's a reject.  He's too complicated,  still thinks about his ex a lot,  still hasn't let go of his ex and his family is weird.  His communication with you is foolishly dramatic.

It's better to be with a man who is mentally sound and stable.  You'd better shop around.  Never settle for mediocrity or less than that because the relationship or marriage will not survive.  Haste makes waste.

It’s hard to shop around, the pickings are slim and I need to have kids soon. ☹️ 
 

I’ve been dating for basically 6 yrs and had only a few dates, I can even believe I met this man who has all thei qualities I’ve been hoping for in one person- the probability seems incredibly low. You don’t think I could work through this with him? Or perhaps he could fall in love with me and forget the ex in time? I just hope I could move forward without feeling worried down the line.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, boozybunny83 said:

It’s hard to shop around, the pickings are slim and I need to have kids soon. ☹️ 
 

I’ve been dating for basically 6 yrs and had only a few dates, I can even believe I met this man who has all thei qualities I’ve been hoping for in one person- the probability seems incredibly low. You don’t think I could work through this with him? Or perhaps he could fall in love with me and forget the ex in time? I just hope I could move forward without feeling worried down the line.

Please don't ever subject an innocent child to a man who would regard his wife with that level of disrespect.  Never ever settle. I didn't settle- I married and became a mom at 42. I almost settled a few times and so so glad I didn't.

What inner qualities does he have where you would let him father a child of yours? Is it his constant oversharing about his long ago ex and how he'd drop you in a second for her? You must have a really strong stomach.

[Cherylyn]

This guy has too many problems.  He will give you a marriage made in hell.  In the meantime,  it's better to be alone than feeling lonely with the wrong man in your life.  I doubt a relationship with him will endure.  No,  I don't think you could work through this with him.  His mind is and will always be on his ex.  You can't force nor expect him to fall in love with you.  He's still in love with his ex.  You can move forward in a healthy way without him in your life.  He's too mentally unstable.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, boozybunny83 said:

I really like this man and we have an incredible amount in common. He has qualities that are hard to find especially at my age 🙁.

What qualities? Never got over his ex? 

You are dating that man for 2 months. While it took just that little for him he to show you why he isnt married. Its extremely worrisome that you even consider somebody like this for a good father of your future kids. While he literally tells you that you are not "love of his life" and that you will never be. I guess he can be a "sperm donor" to make you that kid. But to consider him to be a father in a family is worrisome from your side.

That guy doesnt love you and never will. He is repeatedly going out of his way, after 2 months of relationship, to tell you that. Only thing that connects you is that you are both of age to have kids so your biological clocks hit. But other than that, this has a recipe for a disaster all over it.

Do you want to be a single mother? Maybe you saw he earns good money so that is an allure of it. Because I really cant see any other outcome from this if you decide to make a baby with somebody like this. Where you both just want to make a kid but without you two getting along. Again, it took 2 months for him to show you why he isnt married until now. If that isnt enough for you to see red flags and run away, then dont know what is. 

[catfeeder]

Oh, geez... are you serious? This guy would have been history before saying half of that stuff to me.

Any illusions I might have held about his intelligence or good judgment would have been right out the window, and I'd probably, actually, find it funny. I'd have interrupted the guy, told him how nice it was getting to know him, but I just don't have enough room in my apartment to share with his darling Lisa, no matter how fabulous she may be.

Buh-bye, and next!

[yogacat]

Don't. Don't date him.  

He's already proven that he's not over her and he may try to emotionally manipulate you into being a rebound. Are you sure that all you're after is marriage in your future? That's the expectation you've projected.

Do yourself a favo and work on your own happiness and not make marriage and babies with him your first priority. Then when you take care of yourself the right man will come along. Remember relationships aren't manufactured, they just happen. He went into too much detail about Lisa and that is a big bright red flag. When you get to the heart of a person it's like there's no back door, and no going back...

You're at the intersection of doubt and distrust. So basically your fear of being alone is making you fixate on this man's few good traits and make that the focus. If his drug addiction, hostile personality or Lisa don't convince you - what about all the negative energy? Reframe the situation.

Maybe he was NOT THINKING and his mental mouth ran without his being aware of committing to something he wasn't sure about. Bottom line is that he is not emotionally available for a relationship with you. And even if somehow all of those "amazing" qualities he has check everything off your list, the fact that he is hung up on his ex and not over her means that he is not ready to fully commit to anyone else.

His lack of empathy and willingness to simply brush off your concerns and feelings about his behavior is also a major red flag. Think about all those red flags and ask yourself if this is really the kind of man you want to spend your life with and bring children into the world with. 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, boozybunny83 said:

It’s hard to shop around, the pickings are slim and I need to have kids soon. ☹️ 
 

I’ve been dating for basically 6 yrs and had only a few dates, I can even believe I met this man who has all thei qualities I’ve been hoping for in one person- the probability seems incredibly low. You don’t think I could work through this with him? Or perhaps he could fall in love with me and forget the ex in time? I just hope I could move forward without feeling worried down the line.

Everyone else will tell you why you shouldn't see this guy. I think the deeper concern is why you feel the need to be with someone so badly.

If this guy really was the right person, you wouldn't need to write paragraphs on him. You wouldn't need to ask strangers for advice. You wouldn't be hesitating and having doubts. You would know. You would feel it all come together. The problems would work itself out with rational conversations rather then linger with fights and accusations. The right relationship wouldnt be work and drama.

You are allowing your feelings of loneliness and frustration to cause you to jump at the first opportunity. That doesn't work out well. Someone I cared for was so desperate to have someone, she rushed into marrying them within two months. It was a disaster. I have seen other people try to convince themselves that they should take the person that is there, even when they see they aren't happy. They think anything is better then nothing. And they always regret it.

I have also known women who think they NEED a man to fulfill them. They think a husband and kids are the only way to be happy. But that only works if it the right husband. If you don't feel a man can make you 100% happy and be 100% committed, he is not the right man. What these women don't see is that they need to be happy on their own first.

Focus on what you want. Is this guy truly going to make you happier in the long term? Or would it just end up hurting you more?

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on

[MissCanuck]

Please don't be this desperate, OP. 

This man is awful. And he won't stick around anyway, so if you think you are going to get marriage and children out of this, you are mistaken. 

You are going to wind up alone because he will manufacture a reason to dump you anyway. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Please don't be this desperate, OP. 

This man is awful. And he won't stick around anyway, so if you think you are going to get marriage and children out of this, you are mistaken. 

You are going to wind up alone because he will manufacture a reason to dump you anyway. 

And it's not in the best interests of a child to be brought into this world in the middle of an unstable relationship where the mom is there because she settled for scraps.  My son is 15- I am almost 58, husband same age.  Guess what -he is 15, he is taller than me, eats me out of house and home AND he delights in -family hugs, and joking with us like "ok ok guys - hug! kiss!" and singing that old standard about "sitting in a tree -.... first comes love then comes marriage" - he sees us argue -he sees us make up, he sees me being supportive and celebrating his dad's accomplishments big and small, he sees us laughing and bantering over old people jokes and pop culture references from the 70s and 80s.  He sees our inside jokes and our silly routine about saying goodnight. 

This gives him stability, security, a role model maybe (minus the cringey jokes) for how he will choose a partner.  It helps him be a loyal friend to his best buds - he has two parents who are there to encourage him to do that if needed but he sees us being loyal to each other and respectful the majority of the time.  It's crucial and every child deserves this IMO.  

When I was listening to my loudly ticking clock in my 30s and my gorgeous friend same age was engaged to a gorgeous man she was head over heels for - sickeningly so - she told me glibly - I should settle for the guy I was with at the time (lovely person, not right for me), have my babies then get a divorce after a couple of years. Really?? Ironically she married, had two babies and they divorced after 7 years because her amazing gorgeous husband I guess never really stopped his player mindset - she'd ignored -as you are - how he hung around with women he'd had one night stands with, thought that was ok - and had this - kind of hostile side. 

She ignored it because she like you wanted marriage and babies.  Was she in love - probably -maybe he was too - but most likely she also felt she was running out of time.  She's now the single mom of two teenage girls.  It's hard and in her 50s she gets financial help from her sibling.  Don't be her.  Don't settle.  Freeze your eggs or consider maybe adopting a baby that is already here if you can't conceive on your own (which might unfortunately happen whether you're 25, 35, or 41.)

[catfeeder]

I’d take a sperm donation from a fertility clinic over spending another minute with this dude.

Raise your bar.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I’d take a sperm donation from a fertility clinic over spending another minute with this dude.

Raise your bar.

No kidding, wow.

@boozybunny83I ask this seriously and hope you'll answer but are you also his therapist?

Is he paying you an hourly rate to listen to all his utterly ridiculous nonsense about his ex?  

If not, then why have you allowed yourself to be his therapist since literally the beginning of your relationship?

How much experience do you have because as a girlfriend it's not your role to be what is basically his emotional garbage pail to dump all his "feelings" about his ex into!

It's insulting, degrading, humiliating and utterly disrespectful.  I'm shocked you've allowed it!!

Do you think you will eventually be "rewarded" with his love and devotion for listening and being so "understanding" even advising him?

You won't, he will most likely wonder why YOU think so low of yourself for tolerating it and lose respect for you if he hasn't already.

This "person" has serious commitment issues.  He claimed he loved his ex very much, she wanted to marry him and what did he do?  He dumped her! 

Now that she's gone and she's married to another man, he's "longing" for what he doesn't have, what HE basically tossed out when he did have it.

What does this say to you?  Come on bunny, listen and pay attention! 

What it says to me is he's got serious issues and I wouldn't trust anything about him much less consider him "husband material" and the father of my future children.  Lord. 

Furthermore, IF she were to become available and wanted him back, I can almost guarantee he'd start finding flaws and reasons it wouldn't work out just like he did the first time!

And just like he did with all his girlfriends after her.

And guess what?  He WILL do the same to you eventually. Guarantee it.

It's anyone's guess when that will be, I suppose as long as you continue being his pseudo-therapist (unless you are actually his therapist) he may stay awhile, you're serving a purpose after all --  his emotional garbage pail.

But the closer it gets to commitment/marriage youll be OUT just like his EX was and all the women after her and before you. 

He's a complete mess and you would be very foolish to continue on with him.

I suggest you do some reading/research into commitment fears, avoidance, interpersonal relationships, male/female attraction and human nature. 

Educate yourself, this is just silly.   

This is not how a healthy functional relationship works and you are heading down a path that will ultimately end very badly for you. 

I'm sorry. 

 

 

 

 

 

[smackie9]

This is not a guy you want to have kids with. Think about it....you want your children exposed to his attitude and way of thinking?