Repeated Silent Calls from Ex-Girlfriend After Breakup

[ajackx]

Hey everyone,

I’m (28M) looking for some advice on a confusing situation with my ex-girlfriend (26F). We’ve been dating for a couple of months and had great chemistry. Everything was going well until she found explicit photos from my ex on my phone. These photos were sent to me four months before I started dating my current girlfriend. However, she saw them and also found out I was still casually talking to my ex. This led to a big argument and ultimately a breakup 25 days ago. Since then, my ex-girlfriend, let’s call her Sam, has been traveling to see her family for a month and a half. We’ve only been communicating through text, where she’s expressed anger, hurt, and confusion. She left for her trip 20 days ago and will be back in 3-4 weeks or so.

Recently, Sam has started calling me but staying silent on the phone. This has happened multiple times; she calls, I answer, but she doesn’t say anything and eventually hangs up. I’ve tried talking to her during these calls, reminiscing about good times, but she still remains silent. I apologized over text, but she wasn’t receptive to it. I’m genuinely sorry for my mistake, have blocked my ex, and deleted all the photos, but it feels like Sam is testing me or seeking some kind of reassurance that I’m not sure how to provide through these silent calls.

Additionally, she has been playing this game of on/off blocking. Sometimes she blocks me then unblocks me, but she has me permanently blocked on social media. I’m confused about what she wants from these silent calls and how I should handle them. I’ve tried setting boundaries by letting her know I’m here to talk whenever she’s ready, but these calls continue without any real conversation. I want to respect her feelings and give her the space she needs, but I also need to set limits for my own peace of mind.

Is she possibly testing to see if I haven’t moved on or something? Has anyone else experienced something similar? How should I handle these silent calls? Any advice on how to move forward would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

[MissCanuck]

She sounds nuts. 

Block and delete. 

[Cherylyn]

That ship has sailed.  Block and delete her.  There's no sense going back.  Keep moving forward.  You move forward by being a better man in the future such as no more contact with your ex,  no more talks with your ex,  no more photos of your ex on your phone since this is your past.  Start with a clean slate.  If you have nothing to hide,  you can't be accused of anything.  Live and learn.  That's your key takeaway.

[ShySoul]

She could be testing you. She could be playing games to try and manipulate you. I am sure plenty of people will assume that about her.

Or she could be having a hard time letting go and figuring out her feelings. Part of her might be missing you and wanting to talk. Then she gets nervous or scared and thinks twice. She might not know what to say. She might not know if she can forgive or trust your words. She might harbor some hurt feelings and second guess why she called you in the first place. There might be any number of reasons.

She is expressing anger, hurt, and confusion. She isn't clear what to think. So it comes out a jumble of mixed emotions. Sometimes she feels positive, other times negative. She can't talk in person, and texts don't convey the right sentiment, so she wants to talk. But the words can never come out.

The question is what do you want? If you don't want them to continue, don't pick up the phone. If you want to leave the door open, next time it happens say that you are willing to talk when she is ready, but you can't continue to play these games and not talk. Be honest that you need to not take the calls for your own well being. Let her know you are there to talk, but that she actually needs to talk. Then put in in her court.

Hope this works out for the best.

[ShySoul]

Also, don't keep explicit photos of an ex on your phone. For that matter, don't keep explicit photos, of anyone, where anyone else can find them. That is asking to be found and just waiting to cause trouble. Delete any photo that is likely to cause a problem. That person is an ex for a reason. It's fine to stay in contact and be friends. But letting go of all of the intimate stuff is best for everyone.

And I appreciate the irony that her having nonsexual chats with guys for a job was an issue for you, while you were carrying around an explicit photo of an ex. 

[TeeDee]

@ajackx

Let me just make sure of something:  "Sam" is the most recent EX & the photos were of someone else or is the EX who you had the picture of calling you?  

Anyway what you do next depends on what you want.  If you want to get back together text her that you hope she's having a nice trip, you miss her, you deleted the photos of the other woman & are no longer in contact with her & that you would like to talk when she gets back.   You also tell her that you are not going to answer any more calls from her since she can't be bothered to speak when she calls. 

When she gets back try to arrange a time to discuss everything that has happened.  Whatever you do, do NOT try to have that conversation over text.  

If she won't talk to you, give up.  You don't need to be chasing somebody who plays these kinds of games. 

If you are done with her childishness just block, delete & move on. 

 

Going forward understand it's never a good idea to continue to stay in any kind of deliberate contact with somebody you have seen naked once you start a new relationship unless you share children with them & have to co-parent.   After a break up delete all the naughty photos.  

[catfeeder]

Maybe she has you on butt-dial.

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on

[DarkCh0c0]

13 hours ago, ajackx said:

Recently, Sam has started calling me but staying silent on the phone.

Huh?! Talk about creepy!!

Her emotions are hers to process. Blocking on/off and silent creep calls are just games. You don't have to drag yourself into such poor childish treatments.

Block and delete. Time to move on.

Are you hoping for a reconciliation? Why are you even entertaining all these shenanigans?

As @ShySoul mentioned, please don't keep nudes of any lady on your phone. It's poor taste and inconsiderate towards any new gf/date as you can see. Plus, these pics are not private so they can be hacked by others.

[Coily]

As I see it you have three options:

1. Keep playing her creepy little game of e-stalking you. Doing this nutty block-unblock game that gets nothing resolved and would have me logging all this and sending to a lawyer.
2. Give her an ultimatum (I hate ultimatums, but this is one case it may be warranted) that she needs to either have an adult conversation with you or skip off into the past.
3. You start doing funny accents and pretend to be other people when she calls.

Personally, Option 3 is what I'd do; but not the best for a stalker situation. Which this is starting to sound like.

 

[smackie9]

Simple...block her number.

[ShySoul]

To be fair to her, she has a pretty good reason to be upset. I might be glad if she was just being silent as she could certainly say a lot of other things...

Let her know this behavior isn't healthy for either of you. Say when she is ready to calmly talk, you'll be willing to talk. Then be done with it. You'll have done the right thing, showing concern for both of you. It will allow you to move on. And it gives her a chance to talk if/when she is really ready to, but not before.

10 hours ago, Coily said:

You start doing funny accents and pretend to be other people

Wouldn't be an option for me. That's how I answer the phone normally. 😁

[ajackx]

Update:

After a week of no text, I just received this from her:

"I still question reality at times. Wondering how the f*** I got involved with someone as toxic as you."

I still haven't responded to it yet, thinking if I should just leave it alone and wait for her to get back from her vacation and set up something in person.

Or should I just call her? But I don't think she is going to pick those up.

I was thinking about responding with, "Hey, this isn't healthy for either of us. Let's just hop on a call and talk this out." Something like that.

[ShySoul]

You seem to want to still talk to her and come to a conclusion together. So do what you think will best accomplish that goal.

Texts don't work that well. You need to actually TALK. It would be best in person, though if you want to try calling it's worth a try.

Your message is good. Let her know this situation is toxic to both of you and you want to talk it out so that you can both get past it with no hurt feelings. When you talk, take responsibility for your actions, but make sure she takes responsibility for her. If either side can't get past it, then just agree to end things and not be in contact. Continuing things further would just be even more toxic for both of you. At some point you either have to forgive the other or move on. Staying stuck in the situation will continue to hurt you and never allow you to heal. That's the most unhealthy thing either of you can do.

[MissCanuck]

49 minutes ago, ajackx said:

I was thinking about responding with, "Hey, this isn't healthy for either of us. Let's just hop on a call and talk this out. stop all contact forever"

There, fixed it for you. 

[Andrina]

52 minutes ago, ajackx said:

"I still question reality at times. Wondering how the f*** I got involved with someone as toxic as you."

This isn't a woman who you will have one conversation with to iron everything out, and then all the horrible feelings will fall away and the subject will never be addressed again. You'd be in for a minimum of a year of punishment to atone for your crime.

You were together 60 days. It'll clearly be a very unpleasant long period of time before or even IF things ever calm down. IMO, because of the high risk of failure, it isn't worth it to try to reconcile. I'd block, learn from your mistakes, and inhabit the traits of a partner you one day wish to have.

[ShySoul]

Do what you feel you need to do. It is your relationship, your feelings. If you want to talk, then talk. If you want to walk away, walk away. This is about doing what will be best for you, and the only person who knows that is you.

I was told I shouldn't talk to someone, that it wasn't worth it and they wouldn't understand or make peace. And when I talked to her she didn't. But it wasn't about that. It was about clearing the air for myself, saying everything I felt needed to be said, and putting in the honest effort to make things better for both of us. She wasn't ready to hear it or face everything herself. So I was able to walk away knowing I did everything I could have done. 

Odd thing happened. A couple months later she contacted me and was ready. We talked and did make peace. If I had given up entirely, that could have never happened.

Even if something is likely to fail, it's still worth the effort. There's always a chance. And even if it doesn't work, you can have the personal satisfication of knowing you tried everything you could and can walk away with your head held high.

[ajackx]

Update: 

Since her text on the 3rd, it’s been pretty quiet. She unblocked me on Instagram but changed it to restricted lol, which I didn’t even know people used that restricted feature. Last week, she blocked me on WhatsApp for a few days, even though we weren’t even talking. 

Yesterday (the 17th), she called at midnight (probably morning or afternoon for her), but I didn’t pick up. Now I’m unsure where to take it from here. Should I call her back, text, or wait? I’m considering sending, "Saw your call. What’s up?" but don’t want to seem too eager. Thoughts? She gets back from this trip she has been on in about a week. 

[ShySoul]

Try to set a meeting for when she gets back. No sense in continuing a phone game when you really just need to deal with it all in person and air everything out then.

Sorry you've had to go through all this.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, ajackx said:

Update: 

Since her text on the 3rd, it’s been pretty quiet. She unblocked me on Instagram but changed it to restricted lol, which I didn’t even know people used that restricted feature. Last week, she blocked me on WhatsApp for a few days, even though we weren’t even talking. 

Yesterday (the 17th), she called at midnight (probably morning or afternoon for her), but I didn’t pick up. Now I’m unsure where to take it from here. Should I call her back, text, or wait? I’m considering sending, "Saw your call. What’s up?" but don’t want to seem too eager. Thoughts? She gets back from this trip she has been on in about a week. 

Is it possible she dialed you by accident?

[Starlight925]

She isn't nuts.  She isn't crazy.  What she is is, extremely hurt.

This is how this goes:  Guy does something stupid, girlfriend gets upset and acts irrationally (yes, I agree that this is irrational).  The next new girl the guy meets gets told how "crazy and nuts" his ex was, without the full story:  um, I had explicit pics on my phone & I was still communicating with that girl.

Having the pics isn't the problem, as they were sent before you knew this girl.

Continuing to communicate with said girl, while you were supposedly in this "great relationship" with new girl, well that's the problem.

Move on, learn from this.

And promise me you'll never call her "the crazy ex".

[Coily]

This is creepy stalker behavior.  She IS your crazy ex, if the sexes were reversed there would be suggestions you get a restraining order. 

If she wanted to have a mature conversation about being hurt she would talk to you, or text you about this,  or possibly set up a meeting to sort things out face to face. Not this creepy call hang up crap. Not this childish block/unblock game on social media.

On 8/3/2024 at 2:05 PM, ajackx said:

I still question reality at times. Wondering how the f*** I got involved with someone as toxic as you."

She feels entitled to hold this over your head, to bully and harass you. She is stewing over this, letting it consume her and fill herself with a "righteous fury".

I can almost guarantee that even if this nudes there were to pass, she would find some other way to dig at you. Do you want a relationship with someone who will react in such an unhealthy and obsessive manner?

[ajackx]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Is it possible she dialed you by accident?

Highly doubt it.

I spoke to a friend who suggested that I give her a call and just leave it at that—no need to send a text or have an unnecessary conversation over text that isn’t needed right now.

My friend mentioned that it’s likely she won’t pick up, but if her call was genuine, she will call back. This also puts the ball in her court since I didn’t ignore her call.

What I think is happening is that she’s breadcrumbing me throughout her trip. She knows this is a long trip of almost two months, and I might move on, so she keeps texting or calling sporadically to stay on my mind until she gets back and we can have a real conversation in person. She probably doesn’t want to have a conversation over the phone, and she knows that texting won’t lead to anything substantial either, so this is just her way of keeping me engaged.

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, ajackx said:

Highly doubt it.

I spoke to a friend who suggested that I give her a call and just leave it at that—no need to send a text or have an unnecessary conversation over text that isn’t needed right now.

My friend mentioned that it’s likely she won’t pick up, but if her call was genuine, she will call back. This also puts the ball in her court since I didn’t ignore her call.

What I think is happening is that she’s breadcrumbing me throughout her trip. She knows this is a long trip of almost two months, and I might move on, so she keeps texting or calling sporadically to stay on my mind until she gets back and we can have a real conversation in person. She probably doesn’t want to have a conversation over the phone, and she knows that texting won’t lead to anything substantial either, so this is just her way of keeping me engaged.

It takes two. I am in regularly in situations where one person tries to get information from me -you know like gossipy stuff and I simply won't play.  I might answer but not with the information they want.  She can only breadcrumb etc if you permit it.

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

She isn't nuts.  She isn't crazy.  What she is is, extremely hurt.

This is how this goes:  Guy does something stupid, girlfriend gets upset and acts irrationally (yes, I agree that this is irrational).  The next new girl the guy meets gets told how "crazy and nuts" his ex was, without the full story:  um, I had explicit pics on my phone & I was still communicating with that girl.

Excellent point Starlight. She is reacting poorly, but there is a real reason behind. She's not crazy. Both sides have responsibility here.

She needs to be handled delicately and with compassion, while still making clear she can't keep doing this. It's a tricky and uncomfortable situation all the way around.