Girl's incredibly inconsistent texting pattern

[Alokinga]

I (20m) went out with a girl (21) four times over two months and each time was amazing. We've been friends for three years before that and reconnected now and I really like her. And I also felt like she likes me too. However, her messaging pattern really bugs me. Sometimes she responds immediately, sometimes after a day, sometimes not at all until I message again and change the subject. For example, I told her about a beautiful place I was going to visit when at the seaside and she enthusiastically told me to send her pictures. I went there two days ago, sent her the pictures and told her how amazing it was and still no answer (even though she saw my instagram story the same day and has been online multiple times since then). Also note that our last convo was four days ago. How does that work? Why would she ignore the messages she herself asked for? She's on holiday at home and doesn't work so it's not a question of time. It seems difficult to text her anything else and change the subject, I can't simply ignore her ignoring me.

[Batya33]

I have a friend like this.  It's annoying.  I'd simply stop using text except to make or confirm plans.

[yogacat]

14 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

I (20m) went out with a girl (21) four times over two months and each time was amazing.

What happened after the 4 dates in two months? Did you both ever discuss what you were looking for and the nature of your relationship? 

[Massari]

I am afraid she is seeing you as an old friend who she has reconnected with, the show of interest is merely to be nice to you and keep the conversation going but I do not see a Romantic interest here. 

You can't ignore her ignoring you because you like her and you want her to like you. You have to start moving on or stay friends but not romantic friends. The inconsistency derives from not having romantic feelings towards you, thats how I am with my guy friends or folks who I have not seen in a long time. 

Also you guys seeing each other 4 times in 2 months, that's also seem like when 2 friends who haven't seen each other for while make time to see each other. 

You are in a tough position, a position which many of us guys been there many times. I don't know if there is any hope for Romance now, maybe later , but you need to play your cards right, be abit more direct, plan dates (not friendship activities), break the touch barrier, these are steps you can take to see if there is any romantic feelings there. 

 

[Alokinga]

3 minutes ago, Massari said:

I am afraid she is seeing you as an old friend who she has reconnected with, the show of interest is merely to be nice to you and keep the conversation going but I do not see a Romantic interest here. 

You can't ignore her ignoring you because you like her and you want her to like you. You have to start moving on or stay friends but not romantic friends. The inconsistency derives from not having romantic feelings towards you, thats how I am with my guy friends or folks who I have not seen in a long time. 

Also you guys seeing each other 4 times in 2 months, that's also seem like when 2 friends who haven't seen each other for while make time to see each other. 

You are in a tough position, a position which many of us guys been there many times. I don't know if there is any hope for Romance now, maybe later , but you need to play your cards right, be abit more direct, plan dates (not friendship activities), break the touch barrier, these are steps you can take to see if there is any romantic feelings there. 

 

Well even if she only considers me as a friend it is still weird to ignore something she asked for instead of at least responding with "cool!" or "it's beautiful!"... We saw each other four times because we both had our exams, plus she was graduating and entering another faculty so she had to pass the entrance exam. The last time we saw each other really was like a date, we went to listen to jazz in the evening, drank wine together, laughed a lot and I saw the attention she put in her appearance. I gave her compliments, touched her multiple times, but I didn't push it since she's shy and introverted. We agreed to see each other when I come back from holiday, which is in a week. That's the moment when I wanted to escalate things, but I don't feel so sure currently.

[Alokinga]

16 minutes ago, yogacat said:

What happened after the 4 dates in two months? Did you both ever discuss what you were looking for and the nature of your relationship? 

I didn't want to push her into anything. when I subtly asked about her situation on our second date she told me that she broke up with with her boyfriend of 3.5 years recently, but said that it's not really recent but it feels that way. So I took that as a sign that I must be as careful as possible with my advances. I also gave her space during the three weeks of her final exams, graduation and entrance exam to another faculty. I was flirty every time and she reacted positively, but I didn't openly state that I liked her. Our last outing was more akin to a real date, wine and jazz in the evening, trying each other's wine, going for a walk late at night. We agreed to see each other once I'm back in town, which is in a week. That's when I wanted to openly show my interest, I even got her a small gift, but I don't feel so sure right now.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alokinga said:

I didn't want to push her into anything. when I subtly asked about her situation on our second date she told me that she broke up with with her boyfriend of 3.5 years recently, but said that it's not really recent but it feels that way. So I took that as a sign that I must be as careful as possible with my advances. I also gave her space during the three weeks of her final exams, graduation and entrance exam to another faculty. I was flirty every time and she reacted positively, but I didn't openly state that I liked her. Our last outing was more akin to a real date, wine and jazz in the evening, trying each other's wine, going for a walk late at night. We agreed to see each other once I'm back in town, which is in a week. That's when I wanted to openly show my interest, I even got her a small gift, but I don't feel so sure right now.

Way too much to give her gifts after only 4 dates.  I don't think she's as into you as you are into her and not because of how she texts - her texting pattern is consistent with her level of interest -she likes you fine when she has time -you are not a priority. I'm sorry this is disappointing for you.  

[smackie9]

She knows you like her, so her being vague/hot/cold is her way of saying "you are fun to hangout with but I'm not that into you."

[TeeDee]

The quality or quantity of somebody's texts are not a good measure of the relationship.  You need to put more emphasis on how things are in person 

[Alokinga]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She knows you like her, so her being vague/hot/cold is her way of saying "you are fun to hangout with but I'm not that into you."

Alright, but she doesn't have to be into me to simply react to something I sent by her request. 

[Alokinga]

2 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

The quality or quantity of somebody's texts are not a good measure of the relationship.  You need to put more emphasis on how things are in person 

In person they're great. I don't understand how someone who's invested in person can't be decent over text.

[yogacat]

43 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

I didn't want to push her into anything. when I subtly asked about her situation on our second date she told me that she broke up with with her boyfriend of 3.5 years recently, but said that it's not really recent but it feels that way. So I took that as a sign that I must be as careful as possible with my advances. I also gave her space during the three weeks of her final exams, graduation and entrance exam to another faculty. I was flirty every time and she reacted positively, but I didn't openly state that I liked her. Our last outing was more akin to a real date, wine and jazz in the evening, trying each other's wine, going for a walk late at night. We agreed to see each other once I'm back in town, which is in a week. That's when I wanted to openly show my interest, I even got her a small gift, but I don't feel so sure right now.

It sounds fairly casual for her, especially now that you mention her comment about her ex and it still feeling fresh for her.

Sure, go on the upcoming date with her if you're so inclined but I wouldn't expect much more from her at this juncture.

I'm sorry. I am sure that's not the news you wanted to hear but I don't think she is as interested as you are.

 

[Alokinga]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It sounds fairly casual for her, especially now that you mention her comment about her ex and it still feeling fresh for her.

Sure, go on the upcoming date with her but I wouldn't expect much more from her at this juncture.

I'm sorry. I am sure that's hurtful.

 

Oh well, at least I'll try. Love will always be a mystery full of hopes and disappointments.

[TeeDee]

37 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

I don't understand how someone who's invested in person can't be decent over text.

I have no idea but I can share I'm a terrible texter.  I miss more than I see. Everybody who knows me knows that if you want me, you better call me because I might not see your text for hours or days.  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Alokinga said:

How does that work? Why would she ignore the messages she herself asked for?

Because she isnt interested in the places you visit nore in you as a man. 

Let me try to explain. Some people have the habit of asking stuff without actually being interested in them. For example, if you send her a message about beautiful place you visited, she would ask to send her pics but not really interested in what you are telling her. For example, if she was hypothetically interested in you as a man, she would say almost immediately, exams or no exams, how its beautiful and maybe even ask something back. But like this, crickets. That means she is asking from the point of courtesy, not genuine interest. Like when you ask somebody how their day is going. I would also  go further and say that if you dont message her, she wont message you back first. Aside of maybe asking once in a blue moon how you are doing. Because, again, there isnt genuine interest in you as a man for her to express that interest with almost immediate answers and back and forth messages.

I think its admirable that you want to at least try something even if you fail. However, you should see that your effort is wasted there. On somebody not even remotely interested in you.

[smackie9]

49 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

Alright, but she doesn't have to be into me to simply react to something I sent by her request. 

It's how she communicates through actions. Maybe she's immature and only pays attention to what she wants. The world still revolving around her. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Alokinga said:

Oh well, at least I'll try. Love will always be a mystery full of hopes and disappointments.

Arghy. I'm so sick of technology. It's made collective society disconnectted.

Have you tried talking on the phone?

Not putting this on you AT ALL but some people's attention span with text is minimal and short-lived.

 

[Cherylyn]

You can't change people.  Treat people the exact same way they treat you.  If they're sloppy with caring about you,  do the same with them.  If they don't text often,  then you don't text often.  If their texts are blunt,  you be blunt.  If they only text when they feel like it,  you do the same.  If they prefer phone call conversations,  then do that.  If they prefer in person socializing whether in a house or in public,  then follow their cue and go that route.  Only give people the same consideration they give you.  Don't do more than they do for you. 

And,  the gifts.  Don't spoil people.  That was my big mistake. ☹️ They have no qualms receiving your attention and money spent on them yet there is no reciprocity or even random reciprocity nor gratitude.  That's the "thanks" you'll get. 🤨   Pump the brakes on the gift giving. 

Make sure all of your relationships with people no matter who they are,  is fair and equal.  Never go above and beyond otherwise you'll become sorely disappointed.  Make sure there is balance in your rapport with people so you're not always being so accommodating at your expense.  Be fair to yourself otherwise you'll always be shortchanged. 

Emulate other people's actions or lack thereof so both sides are the same.   Don't do more than what others are willing to do for you. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Alokinga said:

In person they're great. I don't understand how someone who's invested in person can't be decent over text.

Not about general people -this individual has fun with you in person. This individual doesn't want to keep in touch in between because she is not interested in developing a closer connection -she likes the occasional dates and doesn't care to get to know you in between -I bet if you suggested phone calls in between she'd make excuses or keep it really short .

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. She sounds like an 'out of sight, out of mind...' kind of friend. She might make an okay acquaintance with whom you can do some fun things together once in a while, but she's not relationship material at this moment. Not clear how long ago she broke up with her LTR, but this is not the right time for her to be romantically interested in you.