Why would this person just disappear?

[Looktothesky]

I had matched with a woman on a dating app maybe 1.5 months ago. We had set a date to get ice cream. A few days before that was to happen she just disappeared. Fast forward to two weeks ago or so, and we matched again. She apologized. We got to talking more in depth than we had originally. Set a date for last Friday. The date happened. I thought it went well. I enjoyed talking to her and I enjoyed the conversation. I texted her after the date hoping she got home safe, saying I had a great time. She did, so then I asked if she’d be interested in getting together again. Didn’t hear anything that night. Waited all day Saturday before my willpower broke and I just texted wishing her a good day and hoping that she got to do the activity she was talking about on Friday. I almost immediately get a response. She said yes, she definitely would be interested, with a smiley face. Then she asked me how my day has been. That was Saturday. I have not heard anything from her since. I removed her number from my phone and deleted the app so I am not compelled to text again. 
 

So it’s clear she is not interested. Why would she just not tell me that? Why would she say the complete opposite? I am getting so frustrated. This was the one person in months that I had some genuine interest in. I can’t get it off of my mind. I just want a straight answer. And then I made the mistake of getting back on instagram, finding her there, and requesting her. She immediately requests me back. So she obviously has her phone and has seen my text. It gets me so angry.

[Looktothesky]

Yeah. And I feel stupid for having so much riding on this emotionally. When we started talking again I was trying to keep my distance since she already technically “ghosted” me once before. I was just trying to look past that since I was liking getting to know her and you never know what someone’s reasons are. But twice now. I guess it speaks more to her than me. Maybe. 

[yogacat]

Dating app so probably talking to and meeting up with others.

Some people are not great at communicating or being direct about their feelings or intentions. She may have enjoyed the date and was interested in seeing you again, but something else could have come up in her life that made her change her mind. It's not fair to you, but it's a possibility.

[Kwothe28]

7 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

So it’s clear she is not interested. Why would she just not tell me that? Why would she say the complete opposite?

Depends on who you ask. But in my opinion, just pure attention seeking. See, some women on dating apps are not there for finding somebody. But just for pure attention seeking. If she would tell you she is not interested, than you wouldnt message her. Or add on Instagram or any other stuff. But like this, you did all that stuff just because she "dangled keys" in front of you. 

Dont lose your patience for a person like that. Block her on everything and dont give her attention she seeks ever again.

[Looktothesky]

Last night I had a bad night and got drunk by myself. I had no means of messaging her and decided to message her on LinkedIn. She texted me today saying she had full intention of meeting up again but that had crossed a boundary. I don’t disagree with that. I hate myself. I’m a piece of garbage.

 

I tried to add this context to the main post but it will not let me edit

[Leonking]

1 hour ago, Looktothesky said:

I had matched with a woman on a dating app maybe 1.5 months ago. We had set a date to get ice cream. A few days before that was to happen she just disappeared. Fast forward to two weeks ago or so, and we matched again. She apologized. We got to talking more in depth than we had originally. Set a date for last Friday. The date happened. I thought it went well. I enjoyed talking to her and I enjoyed the conversation. I texted her after the date hoping she got home safe, saying I had a great time. She did, so then I asked if she’d be interested in getting together again. Didn’t hear anything that night. Waited all day Saturday before my willpower broke and I just texted wishing her a good day and hoping that she got to do the activity she was talking about on Friday. I almost immediately get a response. She said yes, she definitely would be interested, with a smiley face. Then she asked me how my day has been. That was Saturday. I have not heard anything from her since. I removed her number from my phone and deleted the app so I am not compelled to text again. 
 

So it’s clear she is not interested. Why would she just not tell me that? Why would she say the complete opposite? I am getting so frustrated. This was the one person in months that I had some genuine interest in. I can’t get it off of my mind. I just want a straight answer. And then I made the mistake of getting back on instagram, finding her there, and requesting her. She immediately requests me back. So she obviously has her phone and has seen my text. It gets me so angry.

Dating apps are tricky, people sometimes just give up on a match cause they just don't feel it anymore, and it sucks cause you want it to work cause it seems to be doing well. Im going to be honest with you I think she went out with you to give it a go but she didn't have any intentions of getting through with you. Looks like an old case of trying to be nice, and I get you it's infuriating but you but even if your emotions are big you need to sit down and think how important this really is, it's just a girl you don't really know who wasn't interested that's all, it's ok, it happens. And yeah you went too far with stalking her on other social media even if you had your heart at the right place and just wanted answers, but you gave her an excuse to say "it's you and not me" so she can get out of it... sorry for you pal but honestly next time you get a match if she turns it off later don't try again it won't work.

[smackie9]

This what you do...if they bail on you, you don't have interaction with them again. That's it. Don't let some stranger take up so much of your head space. They are not worth another thought. And don't take it personally...they are just a dbag type of person...someone you wouldn't want to be matched with in the first place. 

[Coily]

You need to learn patience!

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're in your early to mid 20s; you need to calm down over her not responding on your time table!!! People get busy and forgetful; it's not always rejection. Also texts can get lost, worked in the cellular industry for years it's more common than most think.

And yeah you went too far with the linkdIn.

In future, just slow your roll. Give the next woman some time to respond, not the next day but maybe the next week. Dating Apps shouldn't be an expectation of instant replies.

[Coily]

3 minutes ago, JSA40 said:

I do think dating apps are very difficult simply because some people have a lot of choice so on this scenario that may have been part of the reason for no contact.

Possibly, though i consider that even more reason for self constraint in expectations.

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, JSA40 said:

I do think dating apps are very difficult simply because some people have a lot of choice so on this scenario that may have been part of the reason for no contact.

I think the people who are serious minded don't see it as a shopping spree/candy store or that mentality lasts for a day or so.  I agree with Smackie - whether you meet at a party or through an app some people are flaky and rude.  Dating requires a thick skin.  I often try to make new friends through my facebook groups - I've encountered many flakes. These are women ages 30s-50s.  

[Cherylyn]

Because it's easier to ghost you than explain anything.  Ghosting you is the easier route but more cowardly route. 

Not that my story is the same as yours but I've ghosted some people in my past.  Explaining and corresponding is too much work and in my case,  attempts in futility anyway so why bother?  It was easier and much more convenient to ghost or walk away so I could move on ~ on my terms.  It's control.  In some cases,  it's enforcing strict boundaries with people who were consistently inconsiderate,  disrespectful and unkind.  Ghosting is FINAL.

Some people were not meant to be in your life.  People come and go and after it has run its course,  that's it.  It's over.  Most of the time,  it's due to personality and character differences.  Both sides have different views regarding principles and values.  Some people only find you entertaining but don't have your best interests at heart.  Some people always engage in gaslighting.  These types of people are complicated and truly do not care for you.  They aren't the type to give you the same courtesy because they lack emotional intelligence.  The definition of emotional intelligence is treating people the same as you would want to be treated.  Emotional intelligence means empathy.  There is no other meaning to emotional intelligence than empathy. 

Block and delete her and do the same with social media.  Out of sight,  out of mind. 

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

She texted me today saying she had full intention of meeting up again but that had crossed a boundary.

What was the 'boundary' you crossed?

[Batya33]

22 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

ast night I had a bad night and got drunk by myself. I had no means of messaging her and decided to message her on LinkedIn. She texted me today saying she had full intention of meeting up again but that had crossed a boundary. I don’t disagree with that. I hate myself. I’m a piece of garbage.

 

I tried to add this context to the main post but it will not let me edit

 

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

What was the 'boundary' you crossed?

I thought it was the above?

[Looktothesky]

Yes, that would be it

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

 

I thought it was the above?

Linked In is a boundary? 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Linked In is a boundary? 

No.  He wrote that he messaged her while drunk and I guess the message reflected his inebriated state.

[Starlight925]

It's creepy to contact her on LinkedIn if she doesn't like you.

It's charming to contact her on Linked in if she does like you.

She was wishy-washy all the way through, so she used the LinkedIn message as way to distance herself from you, by telling you it was boundary-crossing.

If she liked you, she'd tell her friends how cute she thought it was.

A friend of mine is in a relationship with someone who searched the internet for her and found her on LinkedIn.  I went on a date with someone who did the same.  I was flattered.

She's just not that into you.

She wanted to avoid any awkward conversations, so she kept the distance between texts long, hoping you'd drop out.  It's time for you to drop out.

[Massari]

You have some solid advise here from Yoga, Smakie and Bataya. You remind me of myself when I joined ENA 20 years ago, heck why so long ago even now still happens,  when I get matched I get excited and build up on a stranger in my mind and panic when they don’t reply back to texts I panic , asked the same questions you did,  why go out with me, or why give me your number if you wanted to ghost me?

I think it’s the realm of these dating apps, reality is that women get a lot more matches than men, I don’t know how many but for argument’s sake lets say :

·         for women is 3 matches /day

·         for men 1 match every 2-3 days!

With that in mind, when she goes out on a date with you, you’re not the only one she is dating, whereas for us guys most of the time we don’t have 3 matches to date! It’s just one and unfortunately, we want to hold on to that one because there is no one else! As others say move on, delete her number and do not message her on any platform. Keep looking and use the advice that you got from here for your next matches and dates so you don’t get hurt or drunk text your next match!

 

Cheers mate

[yogacat]

On 7/30/2024 at 6:28 AM, Looktothesky said:

Last night I had a bad night and got drunk by myself. I had no means of messaging her and decided to message her on LinkedIn. She texted me today saying she had full intention of meeting up again but that had crossed a boundary. I don’t disagree with that. I hate myself. I’m a piece of garbage.

 

I tried to add this context to the main post but it will not let me edit

Please don't contact her via LinkedIn. LinkedIn is a professional networking platform, and it is not typically appropriate to use it for personal matters, especially when you have already been ignored on other platforms. 

[Looktothesky]

I was not ignored on other platforms. And I realize it was wrong. I did not post that part wondering why it was received so poorly by her; I am not stupid. I have just been spiraling and needed to share that this happened. I don’t need to be lectured on why messaging someone on LinkedIn in that way is not appropriate. It’s not as if I was expecting this to be received well.

[yogacat]

When she said you crossed a boundary that is exactly what I am referring to. It is not appropriate to use LinkedIn to message someone in that way (your words "drunk"). I don’t know how else to emphasize that.

And as for the rest of your post - I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but considering you're "spiraling" and potentially regretting parts of what happened, it might be a good idea to step away from her. She ghosted you after the first date. It’s not a great sign. Then, she did it again!

If she wanted to hang out again, she would show it. She hasn’t.

My intention isn't to be harsh, but to hopefully help you let her go. If she does reach out, fantastic - she’s showing her interest. Otherwise, just let her go and move on. I know it’s easier said than done, but you’re going to be ok!

[Massari]

No one is lecturing here my friend, they are giving you solid advise, but if you don't want to take it in and understand it then you won't learn a damn thing. 

[catfeeder]

On 7/30/2024 at 8:17 AM, Looktothesky said:

So it’s clear she is not interested. Why would she just not tell me that? Why would she say the complete opposite?

Coming back to your original question, because I don't know what else is productive to address; you decided based on your own arbitrary timeline that she was not interested, despite her expressed message that she was interested. Either you were correct, which makes whatever followed moot, OR, you were wrong and she simply held a different timeline than yours.

Either way, you didn't have the patience to allow yourself to find that out, and you deprived yourself of valuable information by knee-jerking a block. From there, I don't fully understand what happened, but the outcome was already determined by your block, so here you are.

I'm really sorry that this happened, and how can we help? If this is just about discussing the events, then please feel welcome to continue the discussion. But if there's something else we might help you work out, please feel free to let us know. My heart goes out to you. it's true that attractions are rare, and that can bring out unplanned reactions in anyone. You're not alone.