SC38 Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 My ex and I broke up because we got into one argument and he wouldn't speak to me for months. Today he sent me a long message about how compatible we were, how similar our sense of humor is, same interests, that we made a pretty damn great couple and what we had was unique and hard to find, he had no complaints about how we were together, etc. Then he said that he was sad that things didn't work out but we just couldn't find common ground (even though he refused to ever talk again after that argument) Then he ended it by saying he's seeing someone else but hopes we can be friends. Why would an ex say all these nice things about how great our relationship was just to say he has a new girlfriend? He really messed with my emotions by saying all this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Two possible explanations. One, he is playing mind games to mess with you and get in the last word. I'm sure a lot of people will assume that about him. Two, he was seeking closure on the relationship in order to fully be able to move on and embrace the relationship he now has. He realized that he didn't want to leave things with you hanging in such a bad spot, so extended the best olive branch he could offer to make peace. He complimented you and told you that did care for you and still does, even if it can't be romantically anymore. And he left the door open in case you would be willing to still be friends. I was hurt deeply by someone once. We separated ways for several months. I had written her to get my feelings out, letting her know I would always care for her and hoped one day we could still be friends. She came back months later to acknowledge what she had done and try to be friends again. We both knew it wasn't going to be what it used to be, but we also wanted a clean slate and to not have to carry the burden of the sadness and guilt. What counts is how you feel and what you are comfortable with. If you aren't ready to deal with him, its okay not to. If it hurts too much, then put it aside and don't think about it. But if you think you can handle talking to him, give it a try and see how it goes. Either way, try not to over think it and worry about it. Focus on doing what will make you feel best. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 SS, believe it or not, I like your No. 2 response! Great post and hope our OP takes your advice. It's a very positive way of seeing it imo. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Rainbows, added number one just in case. Trying to be open minded and consider the possibility. But they don't call me Mr. Positivity for nothing (and if they don't , don't ruin my illusion). 😁 Sc38, hope you feel better. Believe me, that girl really messed with my head and my emotions. But I was able to come to a better place in time. You will as well. And if you need any support, well be here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chess103 Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 I never understand the "lets be friends" nonsense. Whatever his intentions are, block him and move on. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC38 Posted July 30 Author Share Posted July 30 SS thank you for the well put response. I was definitely crying all day from the news that he had a new girlfriend so I think that answers my question that it's not good for me to remain friends no matter what his intentions. But I do hope he didn't do it simply to hurt me because I begged for months to talk and reconcile and it felt a little like he was rubbing it in my face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 I hope that was just the natural reaction to seeing an ex with another person. It stings and can devastate you. But on the chance it was rubbing your face in it, that kind of person isn't worth the tears. Feel what you feel, but know you are better in the long run without this person. If he was being mean, you really don't want to be with him. And if it was innocent, then it just wasn't meant to be and someone even better is out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 I agree with Shysoul. He either sent this manipulatively to play a game and see how you'd respond. OR, he was getting his feelings off his chest to provide a better closure and move on. What was the breakup argument about? Why did you want to speak to him when he didn't reciprocate that post-breakup? How long had you two been together? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 He sounds as if he's trying to make you jealous. Don't fall for his trick. Don't be friends. Best to go your separate ways permanently. Block and delete. Go NC (no contact). It's a done deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 4 hours ago, SC38 said: Why would an ex say all these nice things about how great our relationship was just to say he has a new girlfriend? He really messed with my emotions by saying all this. I have a bit different thought than others. And I think he said all of that to you so he would keep you in "reserve". You know, "I am taken now but if by any chance it falls through, would love to get back with you". I wouldnt accept that kind of arrangement if I were you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC38 Posted July 30 Author Share Posted July 30 DarkCh0c0, we got into an argument, which really wasn't an argument more just a discussion, that he was going to go out to a comedy show with his ex girlfriend and I was caught off guard about it because he's constantly complained about how much he hates her for years. Plus he had asked me not to remain friends with one of my exes so I said it bothered me a little and he got angry and refused to speak to me for 3 months. The reason I attempted to speak to him was because we never even had a "break up" he just punished me with complete silence. We were together on and off for 6 years. Kwothe, that had occurred to me too. He's broken up with me multiple times over petty arguments that he seems to set up, then wants to get back together months or years later. I always suspected that he was just rotating through women and as soon as there's any disagreement, he's onto the next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 6 minutes ago, SC38 said: Kwothe, that had occurred to me too. He's broken up with me multiple times over petty arguments that he seems to set up, then wants to get back together months or years later. I always suspected that he was just rotating through women and as soon as there's any disagreement, he's onto the next. Oh, no. That is a petty, manipulative and toxic behaviour. 6 minutes ago, SC38 said: DarkCh0c0, we got into an argument, which really wasn't an argument more just a discussion, that he was going to go out to a comedy show with his ex girlfriend and I was caught off guard about it because he's constantly complained about how much he hates her for years. Plus he had asked me not to remain friends with one of my exes so I said it bothered me a little and he got angry and refused to speak to me for 3 months. The reason I attempted to speak to him was because we never even had a "break up" he just punished me with complete silence. We were together on and off for 6 years So he IS playing games and making a dig at you. He mentions going out with someone new to get a reaction from you and see if you'll ask more/beg him back. Gosh. Honey, you should block him forever. He should be history!! Plus, on and off relationships are a symptom of a high incompatibilities. So it was never going to work. All drama serves nothing but exacerbate wounds and fuel hot and cold/inconsistent behaviour, which is unhealthy. 5 hours ago, SC38 said: He really messed with my emotions by saying all this. Damn right. It's time to block and delete him. Do you feel you've processed the break up well? How are you moving on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Ask him if his new girlfriend has expressed interest in being your friend. I would simply not respond at all - silence will show he is completely off your radar as he should be. (I say this and I am married to my ex fiancee - we would not be married if either of us pulled this sort of nonsense during our first relationship or after) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 8 hours ago, SC38 said: he ended it by saying he's seeing someone else but hopes we can be friends. He wanted to get things off his chest & fully end things between you with civility. The letter was all about him. He sent it for his reasons not because he cared how you received it. He may also like playing new GF against old flame. There is a pattern of that since your break up was initiated over him going out with his EX. Hoping you two can "be friends" usually means he doesn't want drama if you randomly bump into each other while out & about. He does not mean make plans together or schedule times to meet up. There will be no long discussions. It's an empty phrase & bears no resemblance to actual caring / friendship. Literally all he wants is to not have you start anything if you see him with his new GF. You can do whatever you want including throw a fit & make a scene. I don't advise that but you can. Instead if you do see him or them, you offer a tight lipped not smile, curtly nod your head in acknowledgement & keep walking. At this juncture, don't respond. No reply is needed. You now can brace yourself when you do encounter him / them. At least he won't catch you off guard. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC38 Posted July 30 Author Share Posted July 30 It really wasn't even necessary for him to tell me he was seeing someone else. We live an hour away from each other and didn't have a shared circle of friends. I agree with everyone that I need to block him and not look back. I thought I was slowly processing the break up, it was hard because he left me feeling like it was my fault. If only I didn't express unhappiness that he was going out for an evening with his ex girlfriend, none of this would have happened. But I was slowly moving forward, not feeling depressed anymore and keeping busy. Then I read his message yesterday and I feel like I'm right back in the thick of it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Wow, what a way to kick you when you're already down. It's almost as if he is trying to unload his guilt for not talking to you for months and for moving on so quickly by saying all these nice things. It's a common tactic for exes to try and ease their own conscience by painting a rosy picture of the past relationship, but it's not fair to you. It's also possible that he genuinely means what he says and he regrets ending things, but he needs to take responsibility for his actions instead of trying to make you feel better. Either way, cease communication with him. His insensitivity is ridiculous. You're asking the question because you're still deeply saddened by the separation, and trying to understand and make sense of it. It's a tough time, and getting to come and being here to discover other people who are going through the same thing helps feel connected to something--else. It's a passive-aggressive way (your ex) of trying to make oneself feel better and to relieve any guilt for moving on so quickly. Especially after ignoring for months. And, I would also wonder if those months he didn't talk to you following an argument that he was out dating this other woman. Which is fine. You were broken up, but that could also very well be the case. I just wanted to give some clarity because it may be hard to see through the emotions. And yes, hopefully now you can move on and find a relationship that is right for you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 He is acting like a dude playing the field with all his exes. Block and ignore . 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Does it matter why? This gives you closure so you can stick a pin in it and fast pace your healing. No more wondering since he went radio silent on you, no more hoping one day you might get back together. We search for the why when many times it keeps us from seeing what we really need to accept. It is over and from where I am standing you are lucky you are no longer dating this guy. He was never the guy for you and I hope you never respond to him in any way and leave him wondering... Lost 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 I have to agree with Lost, what does it matter why he mentioned any of that? You can now freely go forth and find someone who is right for you!!! This is the clean break so many want; you have received a gift of never asking "what if." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 2 hours ago, SC38 said: he left me feeling like it was my fault. If only I didn't express unhappiness that he was going out for an evening with his ex girlfriend, none of this would have happened. BS. If only he didn't treat your feelings so cavalierly & disrespect you by spending time with a former lover, this would not have happened. You broke up because he acted like a jerk. You didn't break up because you had the self respect to stick up for yourself. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post SC38 Posted July 30 Author Popular Post Share Posted July 30 I appreciate everyone's thoughtful feedback. It really helps to get other's opinions. I am going to block him and move forward. My sadness was at about a 2 by the time he reached out and back to a 10 after he did. So definitely not going to entertain the idea of keeping in touch in any way. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 Good on you! If you find yourself thinking about him or all of this ask yourself this one question "What good will come from thinking about this?" The answer will always be NOTHING and it will break you out of the cyclical thinking. Lost 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 The guy went punitive on you for merely questioning a double-standard? I'd delete and block him. He's had you wrapped around his gaslighting for way too long. Head high. When one door closes, another opens. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 13 hours ago, SC38 said: If only I didn't express unhappiness that he was going out for an evening with his ex girlfriend, none of this would have happened. Uh, no. If only he hadn't chosen to disrespect you by hanginng out with his ex, none of this would have happened. But given how toxic this relationship sounds and how poorly he's treated you, this would have happened one way or another. The fact that you even think any of this is your fault and that things would have been fine if you'd kept your mouth shut tells me how distorted your thinking is. This relationship was not good and it was never going to be. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 31 Share Posted July 31 16 hours ago, SC38 said: If only I didn't express unhappiness that he was going out for an evening with his ex girlfriend, none of this would have happened. Uhhhh Or maybe normal loving partners would NEVER go out on dates with their exes?! Specially while having a gf already? He is a selfish manipulative player for doing these things to you. Please don't internalize this and think you're the bad guy. HE is. Good riddance! Please seek kind and healthy partners with no drama moving forward. Your break up with him sets you free to find better matches. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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