How do I move things up?

[Batya33]

OP many years ago when I was in college -19 or 20 - I met a guy on campus and we'd actually gone to HS together but only had mutual friends.  We started chatting then having these long phone calls over the span of a few weeks -mostly him opening up to me about being out of sorts- he was an athlete but kind of in a slump.  I was enthralled - I was sure he wanted to date me.  I don't remember much flirting but I felt like -obviously if he's being so open and personal he wants to date me. But all of a sudden the calls stopped -this was in the 80s so I found a way to figure out his class schedule and I'd happen to be hanging around that area so I could run into him.  I think I saw him on campus once or  twice -quick wave.

Shortly after I saw him "with" a woman on the woman's team of his sport -or on his team -who knows.  Last I checked - meaning we have mutual friends on FB -they've been married for decades.  He never mentioned her, or any girlfriend and in fact kept telling me he felt depressed/out of sorts.

He didn't lie to me - I mean my sense is he clicked with her after being teammates- and that lifted his spirits for sure - but goes to show you how two people can have wildly different perspectives. I don't think he ever saw me as a potential date -I was a good listener and I never told him anything about my feelings.  Honestly I think he'd have been surprised I had a major crush on him.  

People move towards pleasure and away from pain - on your end you feel this cloud 9 level click, this certainty he is The One.  Why assume he feels anything like that and that he's "shy" or needs assistance -from the very biased you - opening up?

[ShySoul]

On 7/30/2024 at 10:08 AM, Leonking said:

All I want is to find a way to make us closer before I come, so I can know if it's worth the shot.

Just as you can't make a person have feelings, you can't make a person closer to you. You can't get him to open up unless he wants to open up. 

This is still the same obsessive tendencies you talked about. You like him, so you are trying to figure out how to get him to like you back. It's not as obvious or blunt as what you might have said before, but it's the same idea. 

The best way to become close to a person is to not try. Just enjoy the frendship for what it is. The more you push, the more likely it is to push someone away. So don't. Talk when you can. Do something online if you both have time. Just let things take it's natural course. If something more is supposed to happen, it will. You'll know. Let him open up when and if he is comfortable. People have to do that at their own pace. And in not trying to make it happen, you allow the other person to be more comfortable and actually increase the odds they will open up.

Don't try to get someone out of their comfort zone. It's when people are in their comfort zone that they are most.... comfortable. It's when they are at their best and most open to things. Let them be who they are and do things as they are ready for it.

In the meantime, just focus on you. Take care of your own life.