How do I move things up?

[Leonking]

So here's the deal, I (24m) have this online friend (27m), we've been talking with each other for a long while, but things never really moved between us. To be honest, when we started talking I was kind of all over him, joking about dating and all until I went crazy about it ngl, he never joked back with it but I was just out of being a teen at the moment so my emotions were messed up. After that I've been on and off with talking with him, mostly cause I have another friend who is very jealous of how I see that guy but that's a different story. Today we are talking again, and he even said he really enjoyed talking with me and was glad I apologized for my past behavior and disappearing without a word cause my other friend forced me to. But here's the deal, I'm still all over him, I'm acting more like a friend now and less like I'm trying to force him to date me, I don't want to force him but I know in my guts we'd be perfect for each other, it's more than just a fling I really want, I only ever act on impulse and most of the time I'm right about it so it's my default mode of actions. And I know it's him I need, but my problem is our relationship, after all these years it never moved, it's mostly me sending him texts and he answers, but I know if I don't send anything for a whole day he wouldn't send my anything. And I know what youre going to think, but it's not that he doesn't care, but he just has this npc energy, if you don't talk to him he doesn't talk. Few days ago I told him I'm finally going to move out in the same country as him, in a different place cause it's not my goal to be next to him for this once but he was really interested in me coming, so now I just want to make things move up between us, not date before I'm there of course, distance relationship are already messed up as they are. But I want him to see me as someone he will actively talk to and have fun with, just so he can see there could be something between us. I know relationships are complicated and anything could happen or not, and I'm not here to hear a "he doesn't care about you" I just want help to make myself be seen, if anyone would know how... 

sorry for the long explanation

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Leonking said:

I don't want to force him but I know in my guts we'd be perfect for each other, it's more than just a fling I really want, I only ever act on impulse and most of the time I'm right about it so it's my default mode of actions. And I know it's him I need, but my problem is our relationship, after all these years it never moved, it's mostly me sending him texts and he answers, but I know if I don't send anything for a whole day he wouldn't send my anything. And I know what youre going to think, but it's not that he doesn't care, but he just has this npc energy, if you don't talk to him he doesn't talk.

It takes two and you knowing in your guts is not enough.  

When you move there ask him to hang out.  Take it from there one day -or hang out -at a time. Be patient -what is the rush?

Never ever try to convince someone to be with you whether as a friend or romantically.

[Leonking]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It takes two and you knowing in your guts is not enough.  

When you move there ask him to hang out.  Take it from there one day -or hang out -at a time. Be patient -what is the rush?

Never ever try to convince someone to be with you whether as a friend or romantically.

It's not what I meant sorry, it's just want I a fair fight in this, and I know I can't force him to like me more but I just want to make myself more, so when the time will come for us to meet more I will be someone I'm sure he enjoys already and from there see where that leads us 

[ShySoul]

If you have been talking a lot and he is interested in you moving closer, then you are already someone he enjoys being around. You don't need to make yourself more, you just need to be you. When you tried more previously, it was too much. So stay calm and just be yourself. Have fun together. Be the best version of you that you can be. And don't worry about it. He will either feel the same or he won't. You can't make it happen, so its a waste of energy to focus so much on it. Put that energy into just having fun and you both be better off for it.

[lostandhurt]

If you are moving there because you want to then do it but if you are moving there to try and push this into what you want then stay where you are.

  Have you ever met in person?  If not then go visit the area BEFORE you commit to moving there so you can evaluate your possible new home and how he is with you.  It may go great or it may open your eyes to the reality of the situation.

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

OP, what is your plan if you get there and he still just keeps things friendly? 

There is every chance that it won't be a romantic match. Are you going to be able to accept that?

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, Leonking said:

I know relationships are complicated and anything could happen or not, and I'm not here to hear a "he doesn't care about you" I just want help to make myself be seen, if anyone would know how... 

Let me try to explain it so your genZ mind would understand: "You think you are cooking, but you lowkey delulu and your vibe check suggests you should touch grass"

Sorry, but this goes nowhere. Maybe he isnt into you or just not gay. But after years of this I think its time for you to move on. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, what is your plan if you get there and he still just keeps things friendly? 

There is every chance that it won't be a romantic match. Are you going to be able to accept that?

Same. And I don't relate to how you see it -OP- I know fair fight is just a phrase but you're seeing it as how do I win him over.  His enjoyment of online interactions - even if they increase prior to you moving there-has almost nothing to do with whether he will enjoy being with you in person much less romantically.  And you might not either.

[Leonking]

8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

If you are moving there because you want to then do it but if you are moving there to try and push this into what you want then stay where you are.

  Have you ever met in person?  If not then go visit the area BEFORE you commit to moving there so you can evaluate your possible new home and how he is with you.  It may go great or it may open your eyes to the reality of the situation.

 Lost

No I'm moving there for complete different reasons but when I mentioned it he got super interested, I'm also planning a trip before moving out to the new place to check things out and I'm wondering about inviting him over for like two days or something.

[Leonking]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Let me try to explain it so your genZ mind would understand: "You think you are cooking, but you lowkey delulu and your vibe check suggests you should touch grass"

Sorry, but this goes nowhere. Maybe he isnt into you or just not gay. But after years of this I think its time for you to move on. 

Ok that's just rude people are not moron cause they are young.

[Leonking]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, what is your plan if you get there and he still just keeps things friendly? 

There is every chance that it won't be a romantic match. Are you going to be able to accept that?

I will be but it's just I have this crush deep in my heart and it won't go until I get my shot. We're both bi and he always plays along when I joke about spicing things up but my question was just how could I make myself more interesting? Or should I just straight up ask like "hey why you don't talk to me more than that? Is it cause youre not interested in being friends or that's what how you are" cause I have other friends who are just this way too but when we hang out they are complete different persons so I'm just telling myself, yeah ok he's just like that on texts, but the way I think about him only makes me overthink everything and I'm scared asking seriously what's the deal makes things awkward or makes me lose him and at the same time he's extremely overworked and lately got promoted very fast into higher responsibilities so I don't want to be this little *** giving him a hard time for nothing. 
see I can't stop overthinking...

[Leonking]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Same. And I don't relate to how you see it -OP- I know fair fight is just a phrase but you're seeing it as how do I win him over.  His enjoyment of online interactions - even if they increase prior to you moving there-has almost nothing to do with whether he will enjoy being with you in person much less romantically.  And you might not either.

I get it but all I want is him to open up a little more so I can know where I can make this actually go

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, Leonking said:

I get it but all I want is him to open up a little more so I can know where I can make this actually go

But that's not logical -even if he were to open up more it would mean nothing or next to nothing as far as whether he wants to date you in person.  He will open up when he feels like it and he won't if he doesn't feel like it.  But even if he does that's just your penpal/online friend -it doesn't mean he would open up in person, open up the way you seem to want him to or want to date you.

Sometimes giving space/backing off is the best way to make someone comfortable around you.  People who are comfortable around you are more likely to share personal stuff with you.  My son is 15.  During the year we have a one mile trek to the bus stop early morning.  Sometimes I simply walk beside him in silence if I sense that is what he wants even though I might want him to open up about this or that. Invariably if i let him be, he shares more with me.

[Leonking]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But that's not logical -even if he were to open up more it would mean nothing or next to nothing as far as whether he wants to date you in person.  He will open up when he feels like it and he won't if he doesn't feel like it.  But even if he does that's just your penpal/online friend -it doesn't mean he would open up in person, open up the way you seem to want him to or want to date you.

Sometimes giving space/backing off is the best way to make someone comfortable around you.  People who are comfortable around you are more likely to share personal stuff with you.  My son is 15.  During the year we have a one mile trek to the bus stop early morning.  Sometimes I simply walk beside him in silence if I sense that is what he wants even though I might want him to open up about this or that. Invariably if i let him be, he shares more with me.

I get what youre saying, the other day he told me he really enjoys talking with me and despite this not showing because of the way he answers. And this past week end he laid off work to go to a wedding and it was the most we've talk in a while but the whole time it was me starting conversation (I know he was busy with other stuff I get the context), but I've known him long enough and seen him on enough groupchats to know he's not someone who says stuff he doesn't mean or keep going with people he doesn't want to talk to. But at the same time I'm scared if I'm honest about how I feel or just give him space, I won't like the outcome. And I know, I can't force him to like me if he doesn't, but I feel so lost about what he says and what he does. 

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, Leonking said:

wondering about inviting him over for like two days or something.

How about meeting for dinner or a drink instead of two whole days.  Then if it goes well suggest something fun for another day.

 Slow this down a little and ignore that you have been chatting online all this time.  Treat it like you just met and are getting to know each other.  In your mind you have already seen the future so you are going at a fast rate trying to get there but you know he is not so slow down to where he is and see if he starts matching your pace.

Lost

[Leonking]

5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

How about meeting for dinner or a drink instead of two whole days.  Then if it goes well suggest something fun for another day.

 Slow this down a little and ignore that you have been chatting online all this time.  Treat it like you just met and are getting to know each other.  In your mind you have already seen the future so you are going at a fast rate trying to get there but you know he is not so slow down to where he is and see if he starts matching your pace.

Lost

I get what youre saying but it's going to be in the USA in a different state so it's either he takes like two days off and we hang out or nothing at all until I move out for good

[lostandhurt]

16 minutes ago, Leonking said:

I get what youre saying but it's going to be in the USA in a different state so it's either he takes like two days off and we hang out or nothing at all until I move out for good

You can't travel to him?  He could show you around his town and you could visit for a few days.  If you really want this make the effort to go where he is.

Lost

[Leonking]

24 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

You can't travel to him?  He could show you around his town and you could visit for a few days.  If you really want this make the effort to go where he is.

Lost

I wish and I don't think he would mind so much but money is tight as it is and I also need to think about my own life before entering his, so taking the trip to where I need to go is more important at the moment. Besides, if he comes around for a few days in a place he hasn't been either would flat things up, bring us closer and make us build memories we could talk about. Does it make sense? 

[yogacat]

I'm all for being spontaneous, heck I may move to another state (which is unusual for me because I usually like to plan) but this is 2024 amirite? But when it comes to romantic relationships, it's important to find a balance between acting on impulses and being strategic.

I understand that you have strong feelings for this person and want to make a move, but it's important to consider whether this person actually has romantic feelings for you or if they are only interested in maintaining a friendly online connection.

Wouldn't that be a bummer if you move to be closer to this person and they are not looking for a romantic relationship? You mentioned that you want to make yourself more interesting to this person, that tells me you're a bit insecure about your current dynamic.

Have you both video chatted or spoken on the phone? It's possible that this person has a different personality when it comes to virtual/online interactions compared to in-person.

I mean, you say you've been texting for years but the relationship hasn't progressed. That's a pretty long time to just be friendly acquaintances, especially if there have been hints of interest from you, which there has been and he:

1) never reciprocated and
2) said that he appreciated your virtual apology for trying too hard in the past.

That tells me he isn't interested in "letting the cat out of the bag."

[Leonking]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I'm all for being spontaneous, heck I may move to another state (which is unusual for me because I usually like to plan) but this is 2024 amirite? But when it comes to romantic relationships, it's important to find a balance between acting on impulses and being strategic.

I understand that you have strong feelings for this person and want to make a move, but it's important to consider whether this person actually has romantic feelings for you or if they are only interested in maintaining a friendly online connection.

Wouldn't that be a bummer if you move to be closer to this person and they are not looking for a romantic relationship? You mentioned that you want to make yourself more interesting to this person, that tells me you're a bit insecure about your current dynamic.

Have you both video chatted or spoken on the phone? It's possible that this person has a different personality when it comes to virtual/online interactions compared to in-person.

I mean, you say you've been texting for years but the relationship hasn't progressed. That's a pretty long time to just be friendly acquaintances, especially if there have been hints of interest from you, which there has been and he:

1) never reciprocated and
2) said that he appreciated your virtual apology for trying too hard in the past.

That tells me he isn't interested in "letting the cat out of the bag."

I get what youre saying but I'm actually moving out in a different state for my career, it's just the occasion to make ourselves closer if it's bound to happen. And yeah it looks like he doesn't want anything but at the same time I know for a fact he's not one to play with people's feelings or bother with someone not worth his time. It just he sends me mixed signals. But honestly all I'm asking is just him getting out of his comfort zone to talk a little more, you know, he's that kind of completely closed up and pragmatic guys who don't see the double sense people understand from a action. The thing being even after my time being completely all over him he never gave me a straight up no or how he feels about me. And trust me we met in a groupchat and I've seen him turn down people harshly. Now I'm over this obsessive behavior cause I'm older but the crush is still here, and I'm naturally flirtatious even with my friends but when I am with him he uses my past behavior to leave my jokes on a status quo as in "- maybe we should kiss uh? - that's gay yknow" or just giving me the side eyes emoji. And again, if he wasn't having it at all he wouldn't do that. 

[yogacat]

18 minutes ago, Leonking said:

I get what youre saying but I'm actually moving out in a different state for my career, it's just the occasion to make ourselves closer if it's bound to happen. And yeah it looks like he doesn't want anything but at the same time I know for a fact he's not one to play with people's feelings or bother with someone not worth his time. It just he sends me mixed signals. But honestly all I'm asking is just him getting out of his comfort zone to talk a little more, you know, he's that kind of completely closed up and pragmatic guys who don't see the double sense people understand from a action. The thing being even after my time being completely all over him he never gave me a straight up no or how he feels about me. And trust me we met in a groupchat and I've seen him turn down people harshly. Now I'm over this obsessive behavior cause I'm older but the crush is still here, and I'm naturally flirtatious even with my friends but when I am with him he uses my past behavior to leave my jokes on a status quo as in "- maybe we should kiss uh? - that's gay yknow" or just giving me the side eyes emoji. And again, if he wasn't having it at all he wouldn't do that. 

Why are you throwing yourself at someone that is not on the same level of emotional expression as you are? You seem like a catch and he wasn't completely grossed out by your display of showing attention.

I don't know you but I think you 1) like challenges and 2) think you can "win" this guy over because you are attracted to him but also have the false premise that the chase equals someone being worth it.

You never know, he could possibly still have unresolved feelings for his ex or someone else, or could be too shy or otherwise damaged to put himself out there. You know him best.

The difference is you want to see him "conquer" someone which he could have easily started something up with. I mean you have called yourself out before in regards to him. 

Quote

but when I am with him he uses my past behavior to leave my jokes on a status quo as in "- maybe we should kiss uh? - that's gay yknow" or just giving me the side eyes emoji.

Were those his comments towards the end? Seems mocking...

You could take the chill approach and see if he shows further interest or you can keep pushing. Keep in mind that you kind of already cornered him with your apology for moving too fast before and put pressure on him to respond- so that would never be the ideal starting point.

[Leonking]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Why are you throwing yourself at someone that is not on the same level of emotional expression as you are? You seem like a catch and he wasn't completely grossed out by your display of showing attention.

I don't know you but I think you 1) like challenges and 2) think you can "win" this guy over because you are attracted to him but also have the false premise that the chase equals someone being worth it.

You never know, he could possibly still have unresolved feelings for his ex or someone else, or could be too shy or otherwise damaged to put himself out there. You know him best.

The difference is you want to see him "conquer" someone which he could have easily started something up with. I mean you have called yourself out before in regards to him. 

I started liking him since im 18 and I was a stupid teen at the time and very unserious while he had to grow up fast and be an adult early to survive so I just appeared as a little *** bragging about not having to work and being free to do video games and go out. Later on I got a job and really grew up in my mind and he started taking me more seriously and especially after my apology for my past behavior which includes being a brainless teen about him. But today I just want to find a way to see things get real, I can only assume he never went after me cause we're one ocean away and he clearly doesn't want to throw himself into a relationship like that. All I want is to find a way to make us closer before I come, so I can know if it's worth the shot. But how do I do that? Should I ask what's the deal exactly (and I hate giving drama, especially to him cause he clearly has better stuff to do)? Or should I really try and make him hang out online like with video games and stuff? 
Yesterday I asked him about the latter, and his initial reaction was "idk i don't think so" and so I was kind of like ah ok well... and the he said "it's not that I don't want but I didn't have any time to play anything in months lately" and I know what it sound like but again, he's not someone who plays around with people and really not someone who says stuff to be just nice. 
i guess it just drives me crazy to not have a direct physical reaction.

[Batya33]

I think most of your thought process is based on fantasy/movies (and no you don't make memories with your approach in these circumstances) -and yes I was in an LDR with my now husband for a few years and yes I relocated 800 miles for him -first time in 43 years from my major city/hometown.  Why? For his career and because we were newlyweds with an infant son and we MUTUALLY decided when we got back together years earlier that we would do long distance and I'd be willing to relocate if we proceeded to marriage. No one chased anyone.

[lostandhurt]

There is a lot of ifs, dreams and imagined relationship on your side and really zero from his side.

  You are moving anyways unrelated to him so focus on that and see if he starts to show more interest.  Long distance is a reality check for many because why even start something online that will never happen in real life.  Get busy with your relocation and see if he contacts you. I am not saying play hard to get but you have been the pursuer all this time and it has gotten you nowhere so why not flip the script a little and see what he throws in with.

Lost 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Leonking said:

ll I'm asking is just him getting out of his comfort zone to talk a little more,

This has nothing to do with his so-called comfort zone, though. 

If he's not talking to you more, it's because he doesn't want to.  Whether that's due to lack of time or interest, he would talk more if he felt like it. You are assuming you need to make him open up rather than understanding that he is perfectly capable of doing so if he wants to. 

You can't force someone to be interested if they just aren't. It doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you or that you need to be more interesting as a person. It just means the other can't manufacture a romantic spark that isn't there for them.