Caring for Elderly Parents with a Sibling

[yogacat]

So my sister and I, albeit we have a strained relationship at times, have recently talked about moving to Florida together. I caregive for my father (recovering from a stroke that left him homebound and paralyzed on the right side of his body) and we both mutually caregive for my mother as well in terms of providing her a roof over her head and financial support.

I am originally from the east coast and I still have property there that I own and rent out. My goal was to eventually move back to that area (tri-state area) where my property is. 

Well, now my sister has expressed wanting to move to the Florida area, to keep all of us close to each other while caregiving for our parents. And part of me is really missing and needing a good relationship and companionship with her.

However, accompanying that I am extremely fearful and hesitant about making such a big move, especially to the South where I don't know anyone (albeit, my cousin that I am very close with lives there, so I'm not completely alone lol).

But for her and I specifically, I am hesitant as we've always had our falling outs and we have VERY different personalities.

My father, wants to move back to Arizona with his lady friend in her house eventually. But I am not sure that is 100% possible just yet because I don't know that his lady friend wants him there and also because he is still very dependent and needs around the clock care. He said he can be by himself in Arizona while living with her, but I just can't 100% see how that will work.

This isn't just a matter of letting him (my Dad) go, as my sister and I are completely all for him living his own life because we're still young and have so much of our own lives to live.  This is more about practicality if we're being practical. Leaving my recently homebound partially paralyzed dad, living on his own is hard to find logic with all the caring for him he currently needs.      

So, here I am feeling torn about possibly moving to Florida with my sister despite our differences, linked by our parents, only to now wonder should I stay or should I go? Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, I am just trying to get everything out. Thank you for reading if you made it this far!

[catfeeder]

Where do your parent's live now, and would this be a move away from them, or would you bring them?

[Kwothe28]

What would you do for school? Can you do your school from Florida? I had a similar experience when I was finishing college. Due to my Grandpa being ill, I have gone back to my town when I listened all my classes. But, due to that, it took me years to pass remaining subjects due to me being at home. If I was in my University town, I would consider it more serious and finished it way more quicker. Not to mention that I could have access to all professors and do consultations. But at home I was more complacent. Plus, due to situation, had very different obligations. 

Anyway, your dad just wants to make it more easier for you. Which is a fine idea in theory but in practice, I dont know if some woman would just outright took care of him in his condition. It requires lots of dedication, which I am not sure anybody but family should took it. If she has a big heart, maybe, but its dubious if she could take all that on herself.

Also, you dont get along with your sister at all. Moving in with her would be a disastrous idea. Again, maybe good on paper, but in practice its a recipe for disaster. 

[Seraphim]

As someone who is now caring for an elderly parent I would have very strict boundaries and guidelines . Also I would be hesitant to move to where my sibling lives if we don’t get along . 

[yogacat]

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Where do your parent's live now, and would this be a move away from them, or would you bring them?

I have been providing shelter financially for my mom who cannot afford to live on her own. My Dad now lives with me because he had his stroke and cannot live by himself. It was only supposed to be for six months. He was supposed to go back to Arizona with his lady friend but I no longer know if that is even an option. If my sister and I moved to Florida, we would bring my parents with us.

At least, that's what we've talked about thus far.

The idea of moving to Florida with my sister is tempting because I miss having a close relationship with her and it would be nice to have family nearby while caring for our parents. However, our differences in personalities make me very hesitant and fearful about potentially damaging our relationship even more. I also worry about starting a new life in a place where I don't know many people and leaving behind my property and potential future plans in the east coast.

On the other hand, staying put and taking care of my parents where we currently are seems like the most practical option. But then there's the guilt of my Dad not being able to live his own life and the potential strain on my relationship with my sister if we continue to not have a close bond despite not living close to each other.

It's a tough decision and I am torn between wanting to live my own life and provide the best care for my parents.

23 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

What would you do for school? Can you do your school from Florida? I had a similar experience when I was finishing college. Due to my Grandpa being ill, I have gone back to my town when I listened all my classes. But, due to that, it took me years to pass remaining subjects due to me being at home. If I was in my University town, I would consider it more serious and finished it way more quicker. Not to mention that I could have access to all professors and do consultations. But at home I was more complacent. Plus, due to situation, had very different obligations. 

Anyway, your dad just wants to make it more easier for you. Which is a fine idea in theory but in practice, I dont know if some woman would just outright took care of him in his condition. It requires lots of dedication, which I am not sure anybody but family should took it. If she has a big heart, maybe, but its dubious if she could take all that on herself.

Also, you dont get along with your sister at all. Moving in with her would be a disastrous idea. Again, maybe good on paper, but in practice its a recipe for disaster. 

I can finish my degree online. I anticipate I will have my bachelors in Healthcare Admin within two years. My sister and I would most likely have our own separate residences, it's just a matter of being nearby to each other and caring for our elderly parents mutually.

The other option is my Dad goes and lives with her in a couple of months (she lives in SoCal, I am in NoCal).

[ShySoul]

Who exactly would be going to Florida? You and your sister. Is your mother there? Your father doesn't seem to want to go. So how close would such a move really be keeping everyone?

At this point the top concern seems to be your father's health. If he is still dependent on you, then it's not a good idea to place him in the hands of someone else unless you completely trust the care he would be receiving. Eventually, but not now. When would really depend on the current status of his health, which I imagine would be a day by day thing. 

Have you talked to the lady friend to see what she is okay with? Maybe you could arrange to go see her or for her to come to you just for a checkin? That might give each other a better feeling on what would be required and if she would be up for it. Plus it might put your father in good spirits to see her again.

If you've had problems with your sister, I would be hesitant to get too close to her. My best friend moved to the other side of the country because of issues with her mother and just a short visit can be enough for her. There's a reason I only visit relatives for a week at a time and live far away from them. While being near family is ideal, if it doesn't fit your particular relationship with them, it's okay not to be. 

[yogacat]

4 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Who exactly would be going to Florida? You and your sister. Is your mother there? Your father doesn't seem to want to go. So how close would such a move really be keeping everyone?

Myself, my sister, my mother and my father would be going to Florida. My sister and I would have our own property, and my mother would most likely live with her and my father with me, albeit, we haven't worked out the logistics yet. 

You're correct with my father not wanting to go. He wants to be in Arizona, with his lady friend, in her house, but I don't know that she would be able to give him the support he needs anymore or if she wants him there.

I suppose I need to have a conversation with her.

[Cherylyn]

Uprooting is a major hassle.  I vote for being practical and practicality trumps your Dad moving to Arizona especially if you want to guarantee he's receiving high quality care which only you can ensure. 

Being geographically close with your sister would be a nightmare.  ☹️  There's already bad blood,  it will be awkward and there's no telling when the next fall out will be.  It's only a matter of time.  The next fall out will be magnified worse if you're in close proximity to each other and see each other frequently.  😠

Space with your sister enforces healthy boundaries. 

[ShySoul]

I'm with Cherylyn, moving is a hassle. I had to coordinate moving to SoCal the same time my father was moving to Texas. I also had to coordinate moving cities at the same time a roommate was moving to Colorado. Both times were stressful and hectic. Planning moves for four people, cross country, sounds like chaos waiting to happen. And it would probably be really tough for your father.

It's a nice idea having everyone in one place. But doesn't seem practical right now for several reasons. If things are working alright as it is, don't change it. Like the saying goes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

[catfeeder]

For the immediate future, I would focus on working your relationship with sister from where you are, minus all of the added pressures of moving 4 people across the country and then needing to all get along there--and then hope you like it.

Have you ever visited Florida? What would be the attraction there?

[Cherylyn]

Florida has terrible weather.  Their humidity is unbearable and you can't be in A/C all the time.  You have to be out and about for appointments,  grocery shopping,  errands,  etc.   There are thunderstorms,  it rains and depending on where you are,  they get a lot of hurricanes.  Most of all,  their humidity is awful.  You perspire a lot living there.  ☹️

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

My sister and I would most likely have our own separate residences, it's just a matter of being nearby to each other and caring for our elderly parents mutually.

Then its maybe feasible. But would still be wary about the whole arrangement considering you and your sister dont really get along for this to be smooth transition.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Then its maybe feasible. But would still be wary about the whole arrangement considering you and your sister dont really get along for this to be smooth transition.

Also it sounds like you wouldn't mutually care for them -that arrangement requires people who already get along really really well -it's very stressful! It involves schedules, hiring/firing/$$, division of labor and grunt work.  You'd have to move to a new state and in that state get all the legal forms involving elder care - typically involves legal fees too.  You and your sister don't get along well enough and that might increase stress on your parents.

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Florida has terrible weather.  Their humidity is unbearable and you can't be in A/C all the time.  You have to be out and about for appointments,  grocery shopping,  errands,  etc.   There are thunderstorms,  it rains and depending on where you are,  they get a lot of hurricanes.  Most of all,  their humidity is awful.  You perspire a lot living there.  ☹️

Yes. The summers are brutal. And, I also worry about snakes getting into my house (I've heard horror stories of residents finding them in their toilet!).

With my sister, she has untreated mental health so she's manic a lot of time which is hard for me to handle because I tend to be more introverted and need breaks away to recharge.

I tend to think she's more free-spirited, and adapts/thinks on the fly which makes me extremely anxious. So I could potentially see us driving each other insane, if we were together 24/7.

It's a tough decision to make, that's why I wanted to run all factors such as practicality, personal well-being, and future plans before making such a big move.

And I def dislike perspiring lol. I have hyperthyroidism/Graves Disease so I am heat intolerant as is. Albeit, in NoCal we've had some pretty high temps the past few summers but no humidity. I lived on the Northeast so I was used to humidity and rain, snow, etc.

[Seraphim]

I would say it is a disaster waiting to happen . 
1. Your dad doesn’t want to go so he may become resentful. 
 

2. You could lose your property in the east where you really want to be . 
 

3. Your sister is too variable . 

4. The weather is gross. I have been to Florida in the summer that is a big ole nope from me . Too damn hot . 
 

 

[ShySoul]

I saw articles a few months ago about how people flocked to Florida during the pandemic. The sun, lower costs, no income tax... seemed like a good plan. Now large numbers are reconsidering and moving out of the state. Insurance rates, home prices, food - prices have jumped tremendously. Depending on where you fall politically, Florida is ground zero for a lot of controversial issues. And of course, weather is a concern. The company a friend works for wanted to transfer people to a facility in Florida, right around a time they were experiencing huge storms. Don't think anyone volunteered to go.

Choice is up to you and don't mean to discourage you if you do want to go, but might be good to take everything into consideration.

https://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/video/many-have-second-thoughts-after-moving-to-florida-during-the-pandemic-211889733831

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/economics/leaving-florida-rcna142316

[itsallgrand]

I'd stay put, see if your dad living with his gf is feasible or if he is going to have to figure out other long term arrangements, and I wouldn't hook my cart to the horse that is your sister since you butt heads so much and she has untreated mental health issues.

Does your mom work, is she disabled, what is the situation there? Honestly for me, if there wasn't a disability or such at play, it wouldn't be part of the equation for me. Your dad and school would be the priority.

 

 

[Seraphim]

10 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I'd stay put, see if your dad living with his gf is feasible or if he is going to have to figure out other long term arrangements, and I wouldn't hook my cart to the horse that is your sister since you butt heads so much and she has untreated mental health issues.

Does your mom work, is she disabled, what is the situation there? Honestly for me, if there wasn't a disability or such at play, it wouldn't be part of the equation for me. Your dad and school would be the priority.

 

 

It sounds like a run like hell situation to me . 

[itsallgrand]

42 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

It sounds like a run like hell situation to me . 

To me too! It's a trap! Lol. 

[Cherylyn]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

Yes. The summers are brutal. And, I also worry about snakes getting into my house (I've heard horror stories of residents finding them in their toilet!).

With my sister, she has untreated mental health so she's manic a lot of time which is hard for me to handle because I tend to be more introverted and need breaks away to recharge.

I tend to think she's more free-spirited, and adapts/thinks on the fly which makes me extremely anxious. So I could potentially see us driving each other insane, if we were together 24/7.

It's a tough decision to make, that's why I wanted to run all factors such as practicality, personal well-being, and future plans before making such a big move.

And I def dislike perspiring lol. I have hyperthyroidism/Graves Disease so I am heat intolerant as is. Albeit, in NoCal we've had some pretty high temps the past few summers but no humidity. I lived on the Northeast so I was used to humidity and rain, snow, etc.

@yogacat Yes,  the humidity is indeed brutal in Florida. 😓 They have a lot of bugs, too.  Some places have alligator problems.  I doubt you would fare well in Florida.  The weather will overwhelm you and you can't control the weather. 

Some places get their infamous hurricanes and there are evacuations. 

You are accustomed to inclement weather but Florida's weather is infamously unbearable ~ especially their swamp like humid weather. 

Your sister is reminiscent of my sister in many ways.  You can't win.  The more breaks from your sister, the better and won't get those breaks in Florida.  ☹️

I vote for being practical. 

 

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Have you ever visited Florida? What would be the attraction there?

Disney World.  🐭

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Does your mom work, is she disabled, what is the situation there? Honestly for me, if there wasn't a disability or such at play, it wouldn't be part of the equation for me. Your dad and school would be the priority.

Hi @itsallgrand. My mother is retired. She has limited income and relies on both me and my sister financially (i.e. housing).

I think my initial plan to finish school and Dad will need to be my main priority (like you said). He is only supposed to be with me for 6 months and then the plan was he would return to live with his lady friend in AZ.

Given his physical and cognitive status, I don't think/know if that's possible and I am not 100% sure his lady friend is going to be able to have my father move back in with her either.

Through a discussion I initiated with my sister a couple months ago, she has agreed to take our Dad after those 6 months (in the event that returning to live with his lady friend in AZ isn't an option). She's in SoCal right now.

For myself, my game plan all along was to eventually move back to NJ (where I am originally from). I still have property there that I own that I could return to and all my close friends and extended family live there.

[tattoobunnie]

The Tri-State has great Medicare and Medicaid.  Florida is the armpit of the US with healthcare, and you can't even get a decent home insurance policy there.

But I am a person of color born and raised in NY, so I'm pretty biased 🤷‍♀️.

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

The Tri-State has great Medicare and Medicaid.  Florida is the armpit of the US with healthcare, and you can't even get a decent home insurance policy there.

But I am a person of color born and raised in NY, so I'm pretty biased 🤷‍♀️.

So does California. I was able to get my father approved for Medi-Cal (California's state's Medicaid program) but I believe NJ they count assets. I could be wrong though.

I was born and raised in Jersey, tomato Garden State 😁