Iranian (Persian) man and Jamaican Woman, dating?

[Massari]

Hello Dear Enotaloners

I am 40, currently going through divorce, separated for 3 months. Want to start dating, nothing too serious at first but if it goes somewhere I am not against it. I am getting divorced; I am not dead!

I never dated a Jamaican woman before, I mostly only dated Iranian girls. This time around I want to try dating outside my culture. We matched on Tinder I am 40, she is 31. I have a 3 year old. She has 2 boys 9 and 12. (they are currently with her mom in Jamaica)  She is really beautiful.

We talked on Tinder for 2 days, and had a very good connection, she is super chill and easy to talk to, very refreshing. I did a little research and found out Jamaican woman appreciate gifts on date. We set a date this past Saturday to go to Ripley’s Aquarium In Toronto. ( she said she wanted to go there always but never did)

She lives in Hamilton (Hamilton is 1 hour away from Toronto), so the back and forth commute was quite long. I bought her 3 roses (She loved them!)  and picked her up and drove back to down town Toronto to see the Aquarium.

Throughout the day we held hands, walked talked laughed, shared some of our views on dating and it went great. We went to eat dinner together.  I dropped her off at the end of the day, did not kissed (thought I brought it up in the car to see how she feels, she laughed and blushed and said nooo it’s too soon! ) haha. I let it go and laughed it off together.

When I dropped her off she said it was fun and she should do it again. I have a hard time reading her, maybe I am rusty at dates (coming out of a 7 year marriage).

We talked throughout Sunday and Today Monday via text and voice messages (WhatsApp). 

There is 2 important questions that Have ?

1.      Could us dating work? Knowing that She has never dated an Iranian guy and I have never dated a Jamaican woman before.  This will be culture shock for both, and we both have a lot to learn.

2.      Is she interested in me romantically or just sees me as a nice guy? She is a little hard to read! 

 

Thank you all for your insights

[smackie9]

Why not embrace each other's culture and have fun with it. You two will find your way together eventually if things are good. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Massari said:

1.      Could us dating work? Knowing that She has never dated an Iranian guy and I have never dated a Jamaican woman before.  This will be culture shock for both, and we both have a lot to learn.

Is there anything within either of your families, cultures or religions that has instilled a need to only date people within your own culture or religion? If not, then why couldn't it work?

Quote

2.      Is she interested in me romantically or just sees me as a nice guy? She is a little hard to read! 

Nobody here can answer this. This is what dating is for--to learn this stuff.

I'd suggest meeting women for a quick coffee meet to check one another out before taking on any full dates. Full dates can be too taxing and expensive prior to learning whether the two of you even share an in-person attraction.

[Massari]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Why not embrace each other's culture and have fun with it. You two will find your way together eventually if things are good. 

What a wonderful way to look at this . Thank you! 

[Massari]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Is there anything within either of your families, cultures or religions that has instilled a need to only date people within your own culture or religion? If not, then why couldn't it work?

Nobody here can answer this. This is what dating is for--to learn this stuff.

I'd suggest meeting women for a quick coffee meet to check one another out before taking on any full dates. Full dates can be too taxing and expensive prior to learning whether the two of you even share an in-person attraction.

Thank you for your sound advise. Honestly I cannot think of anything from my side to keep me from dating outside my culture. I am more curious on cultural integration aspect and I think this is something as you said will need more dates, more interactions to find out.

I was exhusted yesterday tbh, it was along day but it was the heat and the driving that drained me more then anything. She is fun to be around. 

For our next date I will plan something simpler  so we can get to know each other better! 

 

Thank you for your advise. 

[yogacat]

I like how you were respecful and gentle on your first date. This is a good first step to building a strong connection and a potential relationship.

To answer your first question, it is possible for your cultural differences to work in your favor. It can bring an added level of interest and excitement to the relationship.

It seems like she had a good time on your date and is interested in spending time with you again. Keep getting to know her and showing interest in her and see where it leads. Good luck!

[catfeeder]

13 minutes ago, Massari said:

...I think this is something as you said will need more dates, more interactions to find out.

I was exhusted yesterday tbh, it was along day but it was the heat and the driving that drained me more then anything. She is fun to be around. 

Yes, and this is why when meeting strangers for the first time it's important to have the initial quick meet to check one another out, first. Maybe 15 to 30 minutes. Meet halfway. Neither puts the other on the spot by trying to arrange a real date during this time, but either can contact the other afterward with an invitation. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, no response is necessary, which takes awkward rejection stuff off the table, and both can just move forward to schedule their next quick meets with others.

Most people can tell within this short time whether they'd be interested in dating or not. You can avoid the wonder about whether someone is dating casually or to find a romantic relationship by simply offering your own reasons for dating and asking whether theirs align with yours. The goal is to screen people in or out of your dating pool rather than pretzel yourself to conform to any goals, values or biases that don't match with yours.

Quick meets prevent you from spending the time, energy and expense of full dates with anyone who doesn't view you through the right lens, which you can both learn early over a quick cup.

Head high, and enjOy!

[Kwothe28]

Is different religion a problem in your culture? Meaning if you are a Muslim should she be the same religion as well to be married to you? I  can see that as a future obstacle if you go to that step in the future. 

Other than that, I believe it goes pretty well. Enjoy dating. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Massari said:

Could us dating work? Knowing that She has never dated an Iranian guy and I have never dated a Jamaican woman before.  This will be culture shock for both, and we both have a lot to learn.

I believe that if she went out with you, it means she does not have an issue with it. Now, it's hard to paint all Jamaican women with one broad brush, so don't let generalisations get to you. Instead, explore the difference and commonalities that come up as you get to know each other and you'll figure out any incompatibility along the way.

2 hours ago, Massari said:

Is she interested in me romantically or just sees me as a nice guy? She is a little hard to read

Only time will tell. If she's up for another date, then you'll have your answer for now. As @smackie9 often says, that's what dating is for. To figure out if you are a good match. Enjoy it!

[Massari]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

I like how you were respecful and gentle on your first date. This is a good first step to building a strong connection and a potential relationship.

To answer your first question, it is possible for your cultural differences to work in your favor. It can bring an added level of interest and excitement to the relationship.

It seems like she had a good time on your date and is interested in spending time with you again. Keep getting to know her and showing interest in her and see where it leads. Good luck!

Thank you Yoga Cat, since the start of our conversation I was always trasparent with her and that translated into a mutual respect between us.  Physical touch is very important to me, it's my way of reading the other person's interest. In terms of that we were both in good harmony with each other, at times in the car while driving home I reached out for her hand and was just holding it she was slowly brushing it. 

I didn't see anything that suggests she was not having a good time and/or it's awkward.

 

I haven't been on a date in a long time (8 years), this was my first date after divorce and felt nervous on the date at first. I am going to continue talking with her and will set up something for next week as well. I am interested to get to know her better and see how this unfolds. 

[Massari]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, and this is why when meeting strangers for the first time it's important to have the initial quick meet to check one another out, first. Maybe 15 to 30 minutes. Meet halfway. Neither puts the other on the spot by trying to arrange a real date during this time, but either can contact the other afterward with an invitation. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, no response is necessary, which takes awkward rejection stuff off the table, and both can just move forward to schedule their next quick meets with others.

Most people can tell within this short time whether they'd be interested in dating or not. You can avoid the wonder about whether someone is dating casually or to find a romantic relationship by simply offering your own reasons for dating and asking whether theirs align with yours. The goal is to screen people in or out of your dating pool rather than pretzel yourself to conform to any goals, values or biases that don't match with yours.

Quick meets prevent you from spending the time, energy and expense of full dates with anyone who doesn't view you through the right lens, which you can both learn early over a quick cup.

Head high, and enjOy!

Thank you Cat, you are 100 percent correct here, I did spend good amoung of money on this date but i don't regret it tbh, but i will be more careful and logical the next time! 

[Massari]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is different religion a problem in your culture? Meaning if you are a Muslim should she be the same religion as well to be married to you? I  can see that as a future obstacle if you go to that step in the future. 

Other than that, I believe it goes pretty well. Enjoy dating. 

Typically it would be yes. Technically I am considered Muslim but I am not religous at all and I do not practice it so I couldn't care less what religion my significant other practices.  She actually asked me if I go to church on Sundays and I said no I do not, she explained to me what they did in church on Sunday and asked me if I was open to try it. I said yeah! of course i would try it. 

So the topic of religion did come up but it didn't stay for long and it went away!

[Massari]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I believe that if she went out with you, it means she does not have an issue with it. Now, it's hard to paint all Jamaican women with one broad brush, so don't let generalisations get to you. Instead, explore the difference and commonalities that come up as you get to know each other and you'll figure out any incompatibility along the way.

Only time will tell. If she's up for another date, then you'll have your answer for now. As @smackie9 often says, that's what dating is for. To figure out if you are a good match. Enjoy it!

Dark CHoco. 

I believe also that if she didn't want to she wouldn't have gone out with me. I took her to an Iranian restaurant (she wanted to try Persian food!) and she liked some of the food but some of she didn't like. She kept saying that next time she will take me to a Jamaican restaurant and we will try some of their food. 

She also said , now she will bring me a gift next time  we go out (She was referring to the roses that I brought for her). I always thought when your date throws clues that there will be 2nd dates that's a good sign. Hopefully this is the case here! 

 

I Am going to go with the flow with her and see what else it unfolds for us. but this is very new to me hence the questions!  

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Massari said:

Thank you Yoga Cat, since the start of our conversation I was always trasparent with her and that translated into a mutual respect between us.  Physical touch is very important to me, it's my way of reading the other person's interest. In terms of that we were both in good harmony with each other, at times in the car while driving home I reached out for her hand and was just holding it she was slowly brushing it. 

I didn't see anything that suggests she was not having a good time and/or it's awkward.

 

I haven't been on a date in a long time (8 years), this was my first date after divorce and felt nervous on the date at first. I am going to continue talking with her and will set up something for next week as well. I am interested to get to know her better and see how this unfolds. 

It sounds like things are going well so far! As for her brushing your hand, that could be her way of showing interest and being flirty. Keep taking things slow and enjoying getting to know each other. It's been a long time since you've dated, so be careful that you're not getting too caught up in the excitement because as fun as it is (and oh boy, it's fun ;)), continue to keep an eye on compatibility and long term potential. 
    
Maybe you can try a Jamaican restaurant for dinner, it would be a fun way to experience her culture and cuisine. Or perhaps a cooking date where you both cook a traditional dish from your respective cultures together.

Based on her response to your physical touch and her desire to go on another date with you, it seems like she has interest in you romantically. 

Good luck with your next date! 

[Massari]

20 minutes ago, yogacat said:

 excitement because as fun as it is (and oh boy, it's fun ;)), continue to keep an eye on compatibility and long term potential. 
 

This right here, this is why I started dating, to be normal and happy again in this S*** Show of a divorce that is! Haven't seen my 3 year old for 3 months now, hopefully this weekend i will. anyhow it's good to feel that joy and that happiness that maybe just maybe things will be normal soon. 

 

Thank you for thr kind words. Appreciate it. 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, Massari said:

Typically it would be yes. Technically I am considered Muslim but I am not religous at all and I do not practice it so I couldn't care less what religion my significant other practices.  She actually asked me if I go to church on Sundays and I said no I do not, she explained to me what they did in church on Sunday and asked me if I was open to try it. I said yeah! of course i would try it. 

So the topic of religion did come up but it didn't stay for long and it went away!

OK, just have in mind that she maybe is more religious and expects you to go to Sunday church with her. 

[Massari]

Thank you all for the wonderful advise and insights:

An interesting update:

We tried planning something for next week on Saturday, and she mentioned it was good time for her also (this was on Monday July 29th ). After that suddenly I did not hear from her till now, didn't analyze it too much, figured she may or may not have ghosted me, so just sent her one more/last message on Tuesday night just messaged her " everything is ok? " and I did not hear back.

For the first time I tried not to let his get to me by being anxious that why she disappeared. As others mentioned in other posts, at this point she is still a stranger to me. Stranger who went out with once and had a good time! Felt kinda nice to be empowered and be able to control your own feelings and anxieties. 

Today suddenly she messaged me saying" Hey I don't wanna ghost you but I am handling some stuff and you have a lot going on also (referring to my divorce proceedings and my 3 year old custody arrangements), so we're gonna have to give it time" 

I responded "Hey No worries, I understand, glad to hear back from her and that things are good."

 

At this point I am gonna respect her wishes and leave it at that, to me it doesn't look like an excuse or anything, seems like a genuine request given the circumstances.  If she does wants to, we can continue our relationship and see how it unfolds but I am not doing anything else at this point! 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Massari said:

At this point I am gonna respect her wishes and leave it at that, to me it doesn't look like an excuse or anything, seems like a genuine request given the circumstances.  If she does wants to, we can continue our relationship and see how it unfolds but I am not doing anything else at this point! 

Glad to hear she didn't ghost you. It may be helpful to consider that any dating you do during this time prior to your divorce being finalized will not necessarily reflect the kind of dating you may enjoy afterward. If it doesn't occur to a woman herself that this is a dicey time to date, if she has close family and friends, they're likely to weigh in with opinions to protect her.

This is important to grasp to avoid growing jaded about dating-in-general and women-in-general. That won't serve you well beyond this time, and it can be quite the self-fulfilling prophesy. Dating while divorcing is a red flag for lots of women. That's not a reflection on you, and yet it can be difficult to keep perspective if your dating pool gets reduced to women who may be more impulsive, less discerning about their own exposure to such turbulence.

Head high, and write whenever it helps.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Massari said:

Hey I don't wanna ghost you but I am handling some stuff

How much you want to bet “stuff” is another man?

Its OK bro. You will get excuses like that sometimes. When they like you they will overlook the biggest red flags. When they dont, they will find any excuse available to them. 

[Massari]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

This is important to grasp to avoid growing jaded about dating-in-general and women-in-general. That won't serve you well beyond this time, and it can be quite the self-fulfilling prophesy. Dating while divorcing is a red flag for lots of women. That's not a reflection on you, and yet it can be difficult to keep perspective if your dating pool gets reduced to women who may be more impulsive, less discerning about their own exposure to such turbulence.

Head high, and write whenever it helps.

You are absolutely right here, I myself have thought about this and how my current situation will be perceived by my dates. I realize this whole situation may take a year to be settled and calm. I have also prepared myself that I may be single for a while. 

I was thinking about dating, or the idea to start dating again since my divorce happened and here is why I started it: I want to keep my (dating and romantic live) and (divorce proceedings and custody) in 2 separate ecosystems where each work and operate more or less independently and separately with some positive affects on each other.

I am working to be a good father for my son and I think this will allow and help me to be a better partner for my future GF/SO.  If I am in a healthy happy & relationship with my partner, it will help me to be a better father for my son also. 

This is my view on dating right now. I am not expecting miracles but with the right person it's doable! 

[Massari]

54 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

How much you want to bet “stuff” is another man?

Its OK bro. You will get excuses like that sometimes. When they like you they will overlook the biggest red flags. When they don't, they will find any excuse available to them. 

 

Haha, I was thinking that actually, my honest gut feeling is that she likes me but probably not as much as her (ideal perfect match, that she hopes to find). Maybe as you said another guy who checked off more of her boxes came along, and she is testing the waters with him also but also keeping me on the reserve in case she didn't feel the connection with him.  

I know she is working night times daily and saving money to send back home for her children so "stuff" could also means working and hustling. However still,  the more I think about the more I realize that what you said is the case here. 

Thank you

[DarkCh0c0]

Ughh bummer 😕

2 hours ago, Massari said:

I myself have thought about this and how my current situation will be perceived by my dates. I realize this whole situation may take a year to be settled and calm. I have also prepared myself that I may be single for a while. 

I think that too might be part of it. A lot of people will be careful to not be rebounds or to not get entangled in messy divorces. So many people claim they are getting a divorce, only for their partners to find out later that there has been drama/delays. It can be difficult to navigate.

[yogacat]

6 hours ago, Massari said:

Thank you all for the wonderful advise and insights:

An interesting update:

We tried planning something for next week on Saturday, and she mentioned it was good time for her also (this was on Monday July 29th ). After that suddenly I did not hear from her till now, didn't analyze it too much, figured she may or may not have ghosted me, so just sent her one more/last message on Tuesday night just messaged her " everything is ok? " and I did not hear back.

For the first time I tried not to let his get to me by being anxious that why she disappeared. As others mentioned in other posts, at this point she is still a stranger to me. Stranger who went out with once and had a good time! Felt kinda nice to be empowered and be able to control your own feelings and anxieties. 

Today suddenly she messaged me saying" Hey I don't wanna ghost you but I am handling some stuff and you have a lot going on also (referring to my divorce proceedings and my 3 year old custody arrangements), so we're gonna have to give it time" 

I responded "Hey No worries, I understand, glad to hear back from her and that things are good."

 

At this point I am gonna respect her wishes and leave it at that, to me it doesn't look like an excuse or anything, seems like a genuine request given the circumstances.  If she does wants to, we can continue our relationship and see how it unfolds but I am not doing anything else at this point! 

Very mature of you.

Totally no need to overthink anything but totally respect the fact she took a second to let you know things are kind of hectic in her life right now and can't give you all the quality time you deserve.

This is where self love comes in and it’ll push you to know exactly what you can do to keep yourself busy unless things on her end have sorted out. Whatever will be will be, have faith in yourself. 

Best of luck 🦄🦄🦄

[ShySoul]

People are not cultures, religion, geography, or any other category we try to fit them into. People are individuals. 

In the future, rather then focus on a culture, focus on the individual. Just because you read about something in her culture, doesn't mean it is a reflection of her. Concentrate on the person you are with and let the connection and chemistry you have determine rather or not something can work. Because really, a relationship between people from any walk of life can work, it's just a matter of if it is the right to people who will make it work.

On 8/1/2024 at 8:23 AM, Massari said:

Today suddenly she messaged me saying" Hey I don't wanna ghost you but I am handling some stuff and you have a lot going on also (referring to my divorce proceedings and my 3 year old custody arrangements), so we're gonna have to give it time" 

I responded "Hey No worries, I understand, glad to hear back from her and that things are good."

Don't read anything into it. You handled it maturely, as did she. And she said give it time, she didn't say it was over. People are honest. Give it time and anything may happen.

Best of luck with everything going forward.

 

[Massari]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

People are not cultures, religion, geography, or any other category we try to fit them into. People are individuals. 

In the future, rather then focus on a culture, focus on the individual. Just because you read about something in her culture, doesn't mean it is a reflection of her. Concentrate on the person you are with and let the connection and chemistry you have determine rather or not something can work. Because really, a relationship between people from any walk of life can work, it's just a matter of if it is the right to people who will make it work.

Don't read anything into it. You handled it maturely, as did she. And she said give it time, she didn't say it was over. People are honest. Give it time and anything may happen.

Best of luck with everything going forward.

 

Thank you Shy Soal for the wonderful words. The only thing I do not like about these situation is because I think that the spark and that excitement that we had in the begining is now gone at least for me, we are not friends yet so if we don't maintain a certain level of communication over a period of time, that spark will die! and I think it's inevitable that this has happened to us. I honestly do not think she will message.