Girlfriend upset over something that happened before we started dating

[jshdsnajwjs]

About a month before we started dating, I was out with my friend who was my girlfriend's best friend at the time, going to see my now-girlfriend. That friend had introduced us to each other. Me and my now-girlfriend were talking at the time, and both liked each other.

The problem is that on that bus ride to get to where my now-girlfriend was, her best friend who was with me started laying her head on my shoulder. I began to think it wasn't right and it wouldn't be fair on my now-girlfriend to "switch" to her best friend as I'd be leading her on and it was still morally wrong, despite us not dating at the time. 

I also couldn't get myself to deny it, as it would've been awkward and I couldn't just push her off, which I now wish I did.

That was all that happened, and after the bus ride we went to see my now-girlfriend, had a great day with her and all was fun. I kept talking to my now-girlfriend after that, and by the time I got with her a month later I'd forgot about it having happened. I also didn't see it as something that should affect my relationship since I still liked my girlfriend and it was before we were dating, so I didn't think much of it.

8 months later in February she brought it up with me since the friend had told her, and she got very upset. I apologised to her and explained that I liked her before and after it, plus it was before we dated and I realised it was wrong and didn't pursue anything with her. I also told her it didn't mean anything to me since I even forgot about it. A few weeks after the bus thing happened I even told that same friend that I liked her best friend (my girlfriend) and asked her for help with asking her out. Me and my girlfriend went out later that day, she forgave me and we stayed together.

I felt horrible that her laying on my shoulder even got me thinking about being with her and that I let it happen. I felt like a cheater. We were all 17 at the time, and after speaking to a counsellor about it I figured that of course a girl laying on my shoulder was going to make me (17, no previous girlfriends or "action") feel something, but at least I recognised it was wrong and I didn't pursue anything more with her.

My friends are heavy on the fact that we weren't together at the time, and that the friend initiated it. They say I did nothing wrong, but my girlfriend said we were talking and it's still hurtful to her, which I completely understand. 

Today, over a year later, she brought it up again. I told her we'd spoken about it months ago and I'd apologised to her and explained it all, but she said she wasn't entirely over it.

I tried to comfort her again and I told her how that event changed nothing about me liking her. Now it seems like she's okay again, but how, if ever, can I get rid of this for good?

[smackie9]

Stop comforting her about it...all you are doing is enabling her insecurity. I would tell her to stop punishing you for something you didn't even initiate, it meant nothing and the fact it was way before anything became of you two. It's not like you two were making out or having sex. I'm sorry but, you have to tell her you can't keep going on with this. She is being unreasonable, and this has to stop. She has to be told. 

[smackie9]

I would question her friend's motive for telling her about it like it was to cause trouble between you two. 

[yogacat]

I find it very odd that this best friend sets the two of you up and then 8 months later starts in. It's a bit like bait and switch.

She introduces the two of you but then puts her herself in there as a distraction, that may or not be on purpose. I don't know her motivation, but it's odd.

I hope she's not one of those women that's used to having a boy toy and even though she knew you liked her friend she was all creepy with laying her head on your shoulder.

[TeeDee]

The "friend" is an instigator.  

You need to get your GF to see this in a new light.   Before you & she were dating her "friend" basically ***-tested you & you were loyal.   You didn't take the bait; you just sat there & nothing else happened 

I understand you are all only 17 but your GF has to grow up.  Nothing that happened before you two met is any of her concern.  

 

[catfeeder]

I'd stop comforting and apologizing, and I'd tell GF that she gets to decide whether we are on the same side about this, or not. If not, her friend wins in stirring up trouble between us, and she and her friend can ride off into the sunset together. But if she decides that she wants to be on the same side as a team in a true partnership with me, then she'll need to stop raising this as though I've done something wrong, because the only one among the three of us who has done anything wrong is the friend.

GF can either accept that or not, and she can let me know where she wants to stand on this tomorrow. If she won't let it go, then I'd let HER go.

[Massari]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'd stop comforting and apologizing, and I'd tell GF that she gets to decide whether we are on the same side about this, or not. If not, her friend wins in stirring up trouble between us, and she and her friend can ride off into the sunset together. But if she decides that she wants to be on the same side as a team in a true partnership with me, then she'll need to stop raising this as though I've done something wrong, because the only one among the three of us who has done anything wrong is the friend.

GF can either accept that or not, and she can let me know where she wants to stand on this tomorrow. If she won't let it go, then I'd let HER go.

Catfeeder said it perfectly, it's time to let this issue go, you were not together at that time, you didn't make the move,  you didn't do anything after, you did not follow up on it either. 

You guys will come across much more serious hurdles and obstacles which you and her need to be alot more stronger and mature to be able to deal with it. Use this incident as a learning step and move on together stronger then before.

 

Cheers mate 

[Kwothe28]

Dont let her to drag you along with that. You did nothing wrong and you shouldnt apologize for anything. Her putting her head on your shoulder, doesnt mean a thing. Sign of closeness, sure. But you shouldnt feel guilty for something that you didnt do. Because your girlfriend equates that with you cheating on her with her best friend. Which isnt remotely true at all. And you shouldnt allow her to drag you into that kind of conversations. Because, pretty soon it wouldnt be something it happened years ago. You would go into town with her, say hi to your school friend and your girlfriend would get mad. Trust me, I had a case like that. Once jealousy starts, it never stops. So cut that through now because along the way it will only get worst if you dont react. No apologies whatsoever because that would only make her think you did something wrong and she would push more and more.

[ShySoul]

Having a person put there head on your shoulder isn't cheating. It doesn't mean they have feelings for you or you have feelings for them. At most it is a sign that this person felt comfortable enough with you to rest against you. It's the equivalent of making your shoulder a pillow. Plus it was before you were together. There is nothing to feel bad about.

You are all being young and overthinking. You are inflating little things into an issue when none exists. When it happened you allowed you mind to run off with ideas that this meant something deeper then it did. There was no moral issues at stake, no leading people on, and no deeper feelings involved. It was two friends being friendly. When you got with your girlfriend, you turned your mind to more important things, being with the one you are with.

She is bringing this up because she is young and dealing with insecurities. She is suspicious of a close female friend. And she is also stuck in her head making this a bigger deal then it is, seeing things that aren't there. 

You can't get rid of the thoughts for her, she has to do it herself. All you can do is exactly what you did. You comfort her when she is feeling uneasy and reassure her that you only want to be with her. You make the rest of the relationship so incredible that she doesn't need to second quess things. You show her all the love, respect, and understanding in your heart.

[chess103]

Everything has been said. She either deals with it or you move on at some point. 

[Cherylyn]

The next time your GF has issues with her so-called best friend resting her head on your shoulder during the bus ride,  tell your GF she needs to discuss her complaints with her friend,  not you.  If your GF is relentless,  you need to rethink your dramatic relationship with her.  Your GF needs to pick her battles if she wants to keep you.

[Coily]

Yeah no. After the first time, I would tell my GF to get over it or get lost.  It's not as if this happened yesterday, this was over a year ago. This kind of drama is unwanted for a future.