Where did I go wrong? From Facetime to being ignored in a week.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My reasons wouldn't have to do with pressure just that I think it's wildly inappropriate and often creepy for a stranger to bring up anything sexual or sex-related to a person they're planning on meeting to see if they should date in the future.  

Yes you have stated this^^ along with others.  And had he been a complete stranger not ever having chatted previously, I would agree with you!

I have had men make suggestive comments to me straight from the get go, and those messages went straight to trash!

However, this is a man she knew previously and recently caught up with again.  They have been chatting and flirting regularly.  To me that is not a complete stranger. He's expressed interest in meeting her in person and each time she's been "busy."

As such within the context of the conversation they were having, which she admitted was flirtatious, he made a comment about kissing.

To which she felt pressured and obligated.  Nothing about viewing it as an inappropriate comment, she wasn't offended by it or found it creepy.

She felt pressured and obligated by it. 

Big difference.

[yogacat]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

To which she felt pressured and obligated.  Nothing about viewing it as an inappropriate comment, she wasn't offended by it or found it creepy.

She felt pressured and obligated by it. 

Big difference.

Why shouldn't she feel pressured or obligated by it? How does she know she wants to kiss him when they haven't met and no date set. What if she meets him and isn't attracted. Does she have to kiss him when he makes a move?

It's up to her to decide how she wants to feel about it, but it is also important to communicate those feelings to the other person in a respectful way.

She mentioned she didn't want to put pressure on it, and he said he understood, yet his lack of follow-up seems to suggest he may have been turned off by her response.

And that is his right, just as it is her right to feel how she feels about his comment.

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Why shouldn't she feel pressured or obligated by it? How does she know she wants to kiss him when they haven't met and no date set. What if she meets him and isn't attracted. Does she have to kiss him when he makes a move?

I agree!  100%!!!  That's been my spiel all along, it didn't mean anything!  It was fun playful banter.  They both won't know anything unless and until they meet in person.  This is what I have been saying all along, have you not been reading my posts? 😆

Re the bolded, exactly!  There is nothing to feel pressured by so why did SHE make the comment?   

Perhaps she will return and tell us?

My guess is HE was probably thinking the same thing (about why she said it).  It was an innocent playful comment, nothing more, nothing less.

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree!  100%!!!  That's been my spiel all along, it didn't mean anything!  It was fun playful banter.  They both won't know anything unless and until they meet in person.  This is what I have been saying all along, have you not been reading my posts? 😆

Re the bolded, exactly!  There is nothing to feel pressured by so why did SHE make the comment? 

Perhaps she will return and tell us?

 

 

Yes, but asking someone if they can kiss them and expecting a response would, to me, imply feeling pressure. That's just me. Perhaps she felt no pressure. My comments were based on the above, which suggested she did. That's all I said and am saying.

This is a common problem we see. Someone makes a flirty comment and then are surprised or hurt when someone else rightfully doesn't respond to it as the flirter desires. Flirting is all well and good but stating absolutes like "I plan on kissing you" and making demands on someone you've never met can come off as presumptuous.

Hey baby, I have no date set with you, but I'm going to kiss you so get ready -okkkkkayyyy 😂

[Andrina]

20 hours ago, toothless5 said:

I can't help but second-guess and analyze and try to figure out where I went wrong.

OP, I did online dating for several years and it's best not to always assume you did anything wrong. You will drive yourself nuts about the unknown. Don't go down that rabbit hole and expend emotional energy on strangers. I had so many odd instances I've lost count. A date went well. We just hugged goodbye and he did this funny little Winnie the Pooh dance and asked me out for the next day. Said he didn't have his son that weekend, but he would be going to watch the child's baseball game in the morning. It was a rainy day and the game kept getting pushed to later and he kept calling to inform me, saying he might have to cancel, which he did, when the game got moved to late in the afternoon. I said it was no problem in a mellow voice, and that I would've done the same in his shoes. He then, on Tues., asked if I was free Fri. or Sat. and I said either since it was so early in the week, so we agreed on Friday. And then on Thursday evening I texted him to see if Friday was still a go since I hadn't heard from him and I never heard from him again.

Stuff like that's going to happen all the time. Could be he met someone he liked better and was too cowardly to break the date with me. Could be he was still married and decided he couldn't pull cheating after all. Could be he changed his mind and wasn't as excited about meeting me as he originally thought. 

Just see it as sifting through a lot of sand until you find the treasure, because you yourself are a treasure and deserve someone who matches you in time and effort.

[rainbowsandroses]

31 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yes, but asking someone if they can kiss them and expecting a response would, to me, imply feeling pressure. That's just me.

Fair enough @yogacat, those are your feelings and you're entitled. 

Me?  I would NOT..  I have experienced this first hand and depending on the context of our interactions up to that point, I never felt pressure or took offense or assumed it was some sort of hook up test.

I tried to never make such assumptions prior to meeting, I think they're unfair. 

Except of course when a man's first message to me was "you down to ****"?  Or something crude like that.  In which case yes I assumed he was an a$$, and sent the message to trash.😂

Again it was fun playful banter.  To me, and HIM!   It led to good positive things, like us meeting, clicking and having a relationship in most cases. 

We were on the same wavelength about it.  No assumptions, no preconceived notions, no attaching meaning to it like he wants sex.  None of that.  Just fun playful banter.

Perhaps it's a difference in our personalities too yoga and the type of men each of us go for.

No wrong or right.

 

[Massari]

I am trying to understand the timeline here. How long were you guys just talking before the sudden SMS stop from him? you mentioned her hasn't unmatched you, so I am assuming this is Tinder/Bumble a platform like that. 

I have a felling that you were NOT The only girl he is talking to, he was talking to you and others as well, he possibly was able to score a date sooner then with them then with you... That's the feeling that I am getting from this. I know this is not what you want to hear but don't be surprised if you don't hear from him again. He won't umatch you or block you, he just won't say anything. I hope that I am worng. 

Regrdless of the outcome keep your head high and chin up and keep swiping, it's not the end of the world you will me matched again. 

I don't think the kiss subject has anything to do with his decision, it's simply a first come first serve bases thing.. it's nastly and ugly but that's what Tinder/Bumble is. 

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

However, this is a man she knew previously and recently caught up with again.  They have been chatting and flirting regularly.  To me that is not a complete stranger. He's expressed interest in meeting her in person and each time she's been "busy."

To me it is for dating purposes.  I have and have had for many years online platonic "pen pals" who I am close with.  They are not strangers to me and vice versa. However when I contacted men through online dating for dating and safety purposes  they were strangers till we met in person and then if that went well we'd hopefully go on a real date.  Prior  to meeting I regarded them as strangers for dating purposes and those sorts of comments were total dealbreakers for me as I knew I'd never be compatible for marriage with a man who thought it was appropriate to make sexual comments to a lady he never met or took on a date.  First meet very often was a dealbreaker too depending. But yes there were men I kissed on the first meet- rare but yes.  Those were men I met in person. 

I don't think a man should risk it unless the woman has said or strongly implied she likes casual sex/having sex early on or brings up something sexually suggestive -then totally fine.  

I agree of course she shouldn't have felt pressured or obligated especially since it's such an inappropriate comment - JMO.  

Anyway I agree with Massari -he's moved on, she should too.

[toothless5]

Phew, I have a LOT to reply to....there are some comments that I will try to reply to individually. 

But, I do feel the need to clarify a few things. Me being "busy." I am not sure where this came from, and I apologize if I didn't clarify. No, he didn't ask me for plans multiple times and I was busy every time. He asked me once, and once again, we were BOTH out of town. I was out of town over the weekend, but he was actually out of town most of last week and over the weekend. I have no clue how this turned into me being "too busy." When he was out of town for longer than I was. 

I did not feel pressured or obligated at all. I was essentially giving HIM an out. I know what it's like to meet someone that you've talked about doing this, that, and the other; it's happened to me a number of times. I meet a guy, not attracted to them. But, they've bought me dinner, and we've already had this anticipation building up. So, usually....almost always...I end up going through with it. So...like I said, the way I phrased it, the way I intended it, was to tell him that hey, if you're not feeling it, there's no pressure to do it. Many of you have mentioned that it was unnecessary to say this; and I see this now. But, that was essentially my purpose...just to give him an exit ramp, I guess. 

Now, I will go through and reply to specific comments as necessary. 

 

[toothless5]

48 minutes ago, Massari said:

I am trying to understand the timeline here. How long were you guys just talking before the sudden SMS stop from him? you mentioned her hasn't unmatched you, so I am assuming this is Tinder/Bumble a platform like that. 

I have a felling that you were NOT The only girl he is talking to, he was talking to you and others as well, he possibly was able to score a date sooner then with them then with you... That's the feeling that I am getting from this. I know this is not what you want to hear but don't be surprised if you don't hear from him again. He won't umatch you or block you, he just won't say anything. I hope that I am worng. 

Regrdless of the outcome keep your head high and chin up and keep swiping, it's not the end of the world you will me matched again. 

I don't think the kiss subject has anything to do with his decision, it's simply a first come first serve bases thing.. it's nastly and ugly but that's what Tinder/Bumble is. 

This is somewhat similar to my suspicion as well. 

Originally, my thought was that we was busy in preparation for his trip, then he went on his trip. So...that made sense to me. 

My current suspicion is maybe not that he met someone, but maybe there was already someone in the rotation- and maybe that person met someone else THEY wanted to talk to, and they lost regular touch....which is when our communication started to become more regular. Then.....this other person popped back in the picture. And, here we are. I could be wrong. 

 

As far as timeline- we started our regular communication about 2 weeks ago. Then, about 10 days ago, he asked for a video chat, which I agreed to, but he got in late, and I had fallen asleep. So the next day (last Sunday), I asked about that evening, which worked for him, so we did a Facetime. 

He texted me for a bit Sunday night after the video chat. And we texted Monday evening. That's the timeline in a nutshell. 

 

Trust me- I know the online dating game. I myself am talking to a number of people- but most of them aren't really going anywhere. Just talking to pass the time. So, I would also be surprised if he weren't talking to other girls of course. 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

He ghosted you.  I'd block him if I were you.  He has character defects which are red flags and worth rejecting.

[rainbowsandroses]

@toothless5thank you for clarifying about being "busy" and providing more context.

I wasn't sure, but one reason why I thought it might have to do with your response to his "kiss" comment was because he "ghosted" you (for lack of a better word) immediately following that comment.

But you're right, it may and probably doesn't have anything to do with that.  It was just a coincidence.

I think @Massaripost makes the most sense and I am glad you are chatting with other men!

Try and stay positive and IF this man ever does reach out again, see how you feel then.

Re him ghosting, imo people drift in and out when chatting online before meet and that's OKAY.  You have not even met, as such there is no obligation to keep in touch or to provide an explanation when one wishes to stop.

I have had men suddenly stop messaging, and I have also suddenly stopped.  Sometimes they have reached back out again later.  Sometimes I have!

When that happens I keep an open mind and see how I feel then.

I don't think he has any character defects, none that I can see.  He was most likely chatting with others (as are you) and someone else struck his fancy, that's all.

Again, that is online dating, it's not for the faint of heart!

 

 

[ShySoul]

As long as its viewed as a game where you feel the need to talk to talk to multiple people, odds will always be against you really connecting with anyone. People will always play silly games that ruin what could have been something good. They pass up someone because they are distracted by the newest shiny object they see, which is just as likely to fail. And they will find that most conversations indeed go nowhere. 

Personally will never understand it. Seems like a lot of time, frustrations, and confusion for things that ''aren't really going anywhere.'' Would hope more people would be willing to give individuals there full attention instead of making them another number, one of the many.

I hope he proves everyone wrong and does contact you. I hope you can find something's real, be it with him or someone else. Good luck.

[Batya33]

Why in the world do you feel you owe someone sex or kissing if they paid for a meal? Why not not meet for a full meal and/or insist on splitting the bill if you're on the fence? 

I'd have the attitude- until there is a first meet planned time and place this person is off my radar especially for any "hope" of dating him.  After the first meet if and when he asks you for a real first date or enthusiastically agrees to see you with a time and place first date -there is no first date, no next meeting.  I'd chat a lot less before meeting because you seem to be equating chatting with some sort of date-like interaction -it's not -for dating and safety purposes and for your own stress level -regard him as a stranger until and unless you meet in person -then he is a person you are getting to know at a reasonable pace over time.

 

[yogacat]

11 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again it was fun playful banter.  To me, and HIM!   It led to good positive things, like us meeting, clicking and having a relationship in most cases. 

We were on the same wavelength about it.  No assumptions, no preconceived notions, no attaching meaning to it like he wants sex.  None of that.  Just fun playful banter.

Perhaps it's a difference in our personalities too yoga and the type of men each of us go for.

No wrong or right.

That's totally fair.

I have not gone into a LTR with a man that made those types of comments before a first date. That came later and I am no prude so later on they were VERY well received 😘😍❣️and I'm not bashful to make similar comments myself...

Good discussion and different experiences nonetheless.

OP, the dating pool is indeed narrow, true for folks nearly everywhere.

Common theme here, put your best foot forward and keep looking until you find that someone. They can come in surprising ways, unexpected times and go outside of the lines you thought your love interest should look like. That's when love is delicious, motivating, inspiring. And that guy... whoever that personality fulfillment comes in a package form of, has a place in your world.

[toothless5]

On 7/30/2024 at 7:37 AM, yogacat said:

That's totally fair.

I have not gone into a LTR with a man that made those types of comments before a first date. That came later and I am no prude so later on they were VERY well received 😘😍❣️and I'm not bashful to make similar comments myself...

Good discussion and different experiences nonetheless.

OP, the dating pool is indeed narrow, true for folks nearly everywhere.

Common theme here, put your best foot forward and keep looking until you find that someone. They can come in surprising ways, unexpected times and go outside of the lines you thought your love interest should look like. That's when love is delicious, motivating, inspiring. And that guy... whoever that personality fulfillment comes in a package form of, has a place in your world.

 

I appreciate it. But, the fact of the matter is...I'm hopeless. 

I just need to make peace with the fact that it's not going to happen. Ever. 

Not via dating apps, not via real life....not surprisingly or unexpectedly. Never. 

 

[yogacat]

6 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

 

I appreciate it. But, the fact of the matter is...I'm hopeless. 

I just need to make peace with the fact that it's not going to happen. Ever. 

Not via dating apps, not via real life....not surprisingly or unexpectedly. Never. 

 

So if you have that mindset  - why bother dating then?? 

I totally get how you feel but it's also kind of fatalistic and self-defeating. If you go into every date thinking, "Well, this is never going to work so why bother anyway?" you're setting yourself up for failure.

And if that's how you think you'll have trouble believing ANYONE is genuine.

But in this particular instance, sounds like he was putting the cart before the horse. It's all fluff until you actually interact in person.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

So if you have that mindset  - why bother dating then?? 

I totally get how you feel but it's also kind of fatalistic and self-defeating. If you go into every date thinking, "Well, this is never going to work so why bother anyway?" you're setting yourself up for failure.

And if that's how you think you'll have trouble believing ANYONE is genuine.

But in this particular instance, sounds like he was putting the cart before the horse. It's all fluff until you actually interact in person.

The main reason I was able to keep on going in the crazy dating scene was I never permitted myself to be jaded, cynical or bitter more than very very temporarily- and I had plenty reasons to go there given some of the people I encountered.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

The main reason I was able to keep on going in the crazy dating scene was I never permitted myself to be jaded, cynical or bitter more than very very temporarily- and I had plenty reasons to go there given some of the people I encountered.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

That's a really wonderful way to view it. Things need to unfold naturally and not be built up in your mind and nor should he presume he's getting a kiss etc. That's so awkward and all wrong for early on.

I mean, if you're on the date and the two of you are clicking and there is electricity in the air -- him  -- of course, go ahead and kiss me or whatever - one could hope for this chemistry - if the idea happens to pop into his head at that time, wonderful.

There just happens to be some times when there just is no right time for a kiss and that happens too - stuff is unfolding naturally not things in line with a preconceived agenda.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

That's a really wonderful way to view it. Things need to unfold naturally and not be built up in your mind and nor should he presume he's getting a kiss etc. That's so awkward and all wrong for early on.

I mean, if you're on the date and the two of you are clicking and there is electricity in the air -- him  -- of course, go ahead and kiss me or whatever - one could hope for this chemistry - if the idea happens to pop into his head at that time, wonderful.

There just happens to be some times when there just is no right time for a kiss and that happens too - stuff is unfolding naturally not things in line with a preconceived agenda.

Sorry wrong thread.

[toothless5]

Thanks everyone. This is way, WAY off topic. But, I think my struggle is......my version of flirting is often ribbing, teasing, dry humor. But, that kind of stuff is so difficult to convey on dating apps or via text message or whatever. Even a previous boyfriend of mine, who knew my sense of humor in person, struggled with it. He would get upset and call me critical, when I was just trying to be playful, but he just didn't take it that way. 

So here I am (in my mind) being playful, and he's interpreting it as brash and harsh. 

And herein lies my problem. In the initial stages, I am a normal person having normal conversations. But, then the more and more I like a guy, the more and more flirty and playful I get, which could come off as abrasive. Which means, the more I like a person, the more likely I am to drive them away. 

With Facetime guy, I hadn't even gotten to playful/abrasive stage yet. He got out before it could get that far which...probably good choice by him, honestly. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

Thanks everyone. This is way, WAY off topic. But, I think my struggle is......my version of flirting is often ribbing, teasing, dry humor. But, that kind of stuff is so difficult to convey on dating apps or via text message or whatever. Even a previous boyfriend of mine, who knew my sense of humor in person, struggled with it. He would get upset and call me critical, when I was just trying to be playful, but he just didn't take it that way. 

So here I am (in my mind) being playful, and he's interpreting it as brash and harsh. 

And herein lies my problem. In the initial stages, I am a normal person having normal conversations. But, then the more and more I like a guy, the more and more flirty and playful I get, which could come off as abrasive. Which means, the more I like a person, the more likely I am to drive them away. 

With Facetime guy, I hadn't even gotten to playful/abrasive stage yet. He got out before it could get that far which...probably good choice by him, honestly. 

That was one reason I met in person ASAP- exchanged one or two messages on the site, one phone call to screen for safety plus whether I thought we'd have a pleasant convo in person for about an hour and then we made a plan to meet -he most often asked or I did -if he declined or wanted more communication before a brief meeting in person I moved on.  Same if he asked for more photos.

In person you can read the room better and I'd focus on making the other person comfortable in their own skin not whether you're going by some preconceived notion of how you behave when flirting, etc.  I used to be too chatty - until my 30s - especially when I was nervous.  I worked hard on that.  As a result people like to be around me more and trust me more.

[yogacat]

49 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

Thanks everyone. This is way, WAY off topic. But, I think my struggle is......my version of flirting is often ribbing, teasing, dry humor. But, that kind of stuff is so difficult to convey on dating apps or via text message or whatever.

It's different with online compared to some kind of in person thing --> most if not all my interactions have been people I met in real life first. And then we dated. However if you're conversing with someone online first you're banking all your energy in screen to screen discourse. It doesn't always work the same way.

49 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

So here I am (in my mind) being playful, and he's interpreting it as brash and harsh.

Can you give some examples? I mean, I tend to think that, if your personalities click then it's not such an issue but if you're saying things that are deliberately provocative or argumentative then that's going to be a turn-off and the men you're meeting are probably just as sarcastic and averse to that kind of thing as you are.

So, I don't know - what do you mean when you say flirty, brash and abrasive? If you're just talking conversations about your personality, how do men respond that you feel uneasy about?

One time, I was at a restaurant and the male server there was just so charming and had such a great energy that I couldn't help but toil my hair. It was a completely spontaneous and genuine reaction, but he immediately noticed.  

Another time, I had been dating someone for a bit, and we were out. I sat on his lap after something that we shared and I noticed I couldn't stop gazing into his eyes. I felt an immediate pull towards him and we locked hands and I knew he felt the same way. 

I find that when you're engaging with someone that you're attracted to that the flirting comes naturally between two people because of the shared chemistry and connection.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, toothless5 said:

Thanks everyone. This is way, WAY off topic. But, I think my struggle is......my version of flirting is often ribbing, teasing, dry humor. But, that kind of stuff is so difficult to convey on dating apps or via text message or whatever. Even a previous boyfriend of mine, who knew my sense of humor in person, struggled with it. He would get upset and call me critical, when I was just trying to be playful, but he just didn't take it that way. 

Then don't do dating apps.

There are an infinity of ways to meet people and potentially find someone. If one method doesn't fit your natural personality, then try another. Find something that is more suited to your strengths, that is likely to result in less confusion and less stress on your part. Not everyone needs to use an app. For some people it's just not going to work. People were meeting people and having relationships long before they became an option. You can still find someone without them.

Reality is, few people are going to fully get us. That's what makes it so special when we find the one who does. If a person doesn't understand or appreciate your humor, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It just means you haven't found the right person yet. I know that's frustrating. It's tiring and you start to blame yourself. But unless you're trying to hurt someone, then there is nothing wrong with it. It's just you being you. The person you will want to be with, will not find it abrasive. They will like it.

When it is right, it will flow. You won't need to stress. You won't need to plan You won't need to question or figure anything out. It won't be a game. It will just be you being you, them being them, and the two of you clicking.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, toothless5 said:

I appreciate it. But, the fact of the matter is...I'm hopeless. 

I just need to make peace with the fact that it's not going to happen. Ever. 

Not via dating apps, not via real life....not surprisingly or unexpectedly. Never. 

Attitude is everything. Believe something and you will find a way to make it true.

I used to think I was hopeless. I used to thing nothing could ever happen for me. Surprise, nothing ever happened.

I stopped caring if something would happen. I found joy in just being me and embracing every part of myself. I left things to occur when they would occur. And that's when things happened.

Don't give up. Don't get depressed or feel hopeless. Believe in yourself. Be happy being the person you are. Good things come to those who have patience. When it is supposed to happen for you, it will. Just have fun and enjoy life in the meantime.