Where did I go wrong? From Facetime to being ignored in a week.

[toothless5]

So, I (37) matched with a guy (35) on a dating app. We didn't message back and forth each other a ton. Just a little here and there, before he asked about doing video chat.

This seemed pretty positive to me. Rarely, as in almost never, does a guy ask for or offer video chat. And, even better.....he looked exactly like his profile. Not a catfish. Shocking, but again...positive.

We had a really lovely video chat. Toward the end of which, he asked when he could see me. Great. I was out of town this weekend, which I informed him of. Which worked out because he was also out of town most of the week into this weekend. The only day we could have done, theoretically, was Monday, but Monday is my very worst day as far as work goes.

So, I suggested sometime this coming week. Since we were both going to be out of town, it just made sense. He said something to the effect of "It's already been this long. What's another week?" He texted me after we hung up, and told me that he "thoroughly enjoyed" our video chat, and he was happy to see I looked like my profile. We exchanged a couple of texts further, then off to bed.

We then texted Monday evening; it went relatively well. He was engaged. It was flirtatious. He mentioned hoping that he could kiss me when we went out. I told him I would like that. But didn't want to put any pressure on it. I didn't want there to be any obligation going into it.

He said he completely understood, and that he had no issue with it. I replied that I was glad we were on the same page.

Annnnnd......that's the last I heard from him.

Now, granted...I knew he was out of town most of the week, and I myself was very busy dealing with work issues, and also preparing to be out of town for the weekend, so...I wasn't terribly concerned.

But, once the weekend settled down, I sent him a picture, told him I hoped he was having a good weekend; and....no reply. Now...he hasn't unmatched from me. And, he hasn't blocked me (at least as of yet). So....I guess I have a small sliver of hope.

My friends have told me not to overthink it, he's probably just busy. But...I can't help but second-guess and analyze and try to figure out where I went wrong.

[Morello]

How long have you been chatting online? Too much of that can be seen as a sign of not wanting to meet in person.

I agree with your friends; just try to give it time and avoid double-texting him. The ball is in his court now.

[ShySoul]

Try not to overthink or worry about it. You did everything you could and you were fine. It's up to him now to keep this going. 

Odds are he was busy and you'll here from him soon. And if he doesn't, don't take it personally. He'll be the one missing out. Sounds like you are already aware of all the potential pitfalls of these apps. Should this guy turn out to be another guy like that, it's on him, not you.

Hope this works out for you.

[LootieTootie]

Do you think you might be doing too much overthinking that leads to self-sabotage tendencies?

I ask because it sounds like ya just met and did a video call. AND you both communicated with each other that you both were out of town. So when you're out of town, you do tend to be busy so even if this person hasn't texted you back a response, it's probably because they're busy doing whatever they need to while they're out of town.

 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, toothless5 said:

But, once the weekend settled down, I sent him a picture, told him I hoped he was having a good weekend; and....no reply.

Well, maybe he was having a good weekend!!!

Joking aside, it could be variety of reasons. Its Monday so he maybe responds today. But I can see why you are upset. Though I need to remind you that we are still talking about a complete stranger here. For example, my immediate thought is that he is talking to multiple people so someone else was available on weekend. Which is still something you dont know because you are talking to a stranger. Dont have too much expectations before you even have a date. I know this looked promising, but even those tend to disappoint sometimes. So, relax and see if he answers. If he does not, no biggie. Again, he is still a stranger.

[toothless5]

6 hours ago, Morello said:

How long have you been chatting online? Too much of that can be seen as a sign of not wanting to meet in person.

I agree with your friends; just try to give it time and avoid double-texting him. The ball is in his court now.

So....this is sort of complicated.

So, when we did video chat, he made a comment on how it was 2 months coming. And, I was thinking, huh? No way it's been that long. 

But sure enough...

We did start talking back at the end of May. But, then we didn't message again until mid-June. And, about every 7-12 days since. But not full conversations....just check-ins. 

It wasn't until within the last couple of weeks that we started really talking regularly. So, officially, it's been a couple of months. But, it feels much shorter, at least to me. 

That said, the moment that we started regularly talking, I was game to move it forward which is why when he suggested Video Chat, I was 100% on board, immediately. And if it had been a normal week for us, I would have been up for a date later in the week. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well, maybe he was having a good weekend!!!

Joking aside, it could be variety of reasons. Its Monday so he maybe responds today. But I can see why you are upset. Though I need to remind you that we are still talking about a complete stranger here. For example, my immediate thought is that he is talking to multiple people so someone else was available on weekend. Which is still something you dont know because you are talking to a stranger. Dont have too much expectations before you even have a date. I know this looked promising, but even those tend to disappoint sometimes. So, relax and see if he answers. If he does not, no biggie. Again, he is still a stranger.

Yes and remember you don't have a time and place first meet set up so there should be no expectations that he wants to meet you - watch the feet not the lips. I get why you two didn't set it up but if it were me I would have set it up in advance because that makes it firmer.  I also would have stopped communicating immediately if a stranger made that comment about kissing me - total red flag to me but that's me.  My best sense is he went away for the weekend with a woman or met a woman while away and/or met someone in person he likes better.  Since you have no first meet planned he doesn't need to respond to you again -unless he wants to make a plan -until then, live your life.

There is no officially with this stranger - I used to exchange one or two emails on the site, then do one phone call as a safety screen plus to see if I thought I could get along with this person in person for about an hour and have a pleasant time -then we made a plan to meet within the week.

I met over 100 men in person through dating sites back in the day and communicated briefly with hundreds.

I made one exception -we communicated on and off for 6 weeks before meeting -he went MIA at one point and I think I was busy dating.  We met and it was one of the times -rare! -where the online chemistry and in person chemistry matched - total click. Interestingly all that chatter before meeting both phone and messaging did not reveal the dealbreaker mental health issue he had (and likely also had an alcohol issue) so after 3 months of dating that was the final straw (meaning I found out and then -bye bye).  

And after the first meet your only expectation should be that if he agreed to or asks you on an official first date that he will show up.

I wouldn't gague interest in dating you or meeting you from anything you described. Some just love the thrill of the online chase- no effort on their part and a lovely ego boost especially since you agreed to kiss him on the first meet.

Also I'd lose that "sliver of hope" mindset -there is zero reason to think that this stranger is interested in meeting you unless and until there is a time and place plan to meet. I think it's safe to say he enjoyed chatting and flirting with you but it sounds like your purpose in being on a dating site is to date in person -right?

[rainbowsandroses]

13 hours ago, toothless5 said:

We had a really lovely video chat. Toward the end of which, he asked when he could see me. Great. I was out of town this weekend, which I informed him of.

 

13 hours ago, toothless5 said:

The only day we could have done, theoretically, was Monday, but Monday is my very worst day as far as work goes.

And then this?

13 hours ago, toothless5 said:

We then texted Monday evening; it went relatively well. He was engaged. It was flirtatious. He mentioned hoping that he could kiss me when we went out. I told him I would like that. But didn't want to put any pressure on it. I didn't want there to be any obligation going into it.

Since he stopped interacting with you after you made this^ comment, it seems to me, the comment may have turned him off.  Possibly.

He agreed and said no problem only to be polite but in his mind, he was done.  Again possibly.

Combined with you being so busy, hard to pin down for just a simple meet, he may possibly find you too difficult to date and decided to focus on his other options.

And if I may ask, why would you tell him there is no "obligation" to kiss you?

I mean a man expresses interest/attraction/desire saying he hopes he can kiss you (flirting) and you shoot it down saying "no pressure/no obligation"?

Don't you think he already knows that?  My take is he felt totally deflated and shot down by that comment.  Possibly.

I dunno a man I'm digging says this to me and my response would be "that would be nice" with a wink emoji, and leave it at that and see what happens during the meet.

Have some fun with it!

Assuming I was interested, attracted (at least as attracted as one can be online before meeting), try and schedule a meet since I'd been so  busy to schedule a meet prior.

Again just my read on it (trying to see it from his perspective) since he did stop texting you after you made that comment.  Combined with your general busyness, he decided to move on.

I hope I'm wrong since it appears you do really dig this guy and that he reaches out soon.

Have you considered spontaneously reaching out and asking him to meet you for coffee, say tomorrow after work, since today (Monday) is your "busy" day?

And stop with all this back and forth, I'm busy, he's busy, sending pics nonsense?

Just a thought, good luck.

[yogacat]

Agree with @Batya33.

It's a bit presumptuous to suggest before a first date if he can kiss you. I would have wondered why he skipped to that point. Perhaps he's trying to get a fire going with this comment. Don't rush 😂 Take your time.

I do agree though that trying to schedule a first date with you was a bit like pulling teeth, to say the least.

Sometimes some men throw out a comment of possible physical touch to make sure the woman is 100% on board with starting a romantic relationship, before committing any more of their time and resources. But I'd still be a bit miffed at him asking if he could kiss me before we met, before a first date. It lacks finesse (I've had someone mention hand holding, but not kissing...). And even then I was like, "hmmm..."

Honestly just let go for now. If he does respond, cool. If not, brush it off. Don't put all of yourself out there just yet. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Sometimes some men throw out a comment of possible physical touch to make sure the woman is 100% on board with starting a romantic relationship, before committing any more of their time and resources. But I'd still be a bit miffed at him asking if he could kiss me before we met, before a first date. It lacks finesse (I've had someone mention hand holding, but not kissing...). And even then I was like, "hmmm..."

Sometimes people blurt out lots of stuff - and I would find it ridiculous to be tested in that way.  When I was on dating sites I assumed the purpose was to date people.  So if someone agreed to meet me in person I assumed it was to see if in the future we should go on a first date.  If the banter involved something like whether he could touch or kiss me in person or anything sexual I did not meet him, full stop.

[chess103]

Look at his actions. If he doesn’t ask you out on a date, there you go. I don’t care how busy a man is, if he likes you, he’ll make time to see you.

[Kwothe28]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Sometimes some men throw out a comment of possible physical touch to make sure the woman is 100% on board with starting a romantic relationship, before committing any more of their time and resources. But I'd still be a bit miffed at him asking if he could kiss me before we met, before a first date. It lacks finesse. 

 

I think its kinda "cheesy" to even ask in person. I know now on West, consent is a big thing. But when I was young, I was always thought its lame to ask stuff like "Can I kiss you?" or even "Will you be my girlfriend? during dates. Because it kinda "kills the mood". And that instead you always just "seize the moment". Meaning to feel the moment during the date and kiss if you have a chance. Maybe it changed depending on a time and culture. But not me nore any of my men friends did it when we were young since it was considered "lame" back then. 

So it is kinda weird that he asked during messaging. There is always some "teasing" and thats fine. But to outright ask is a bit weird. 

[yogacat]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sometimes people blurt out lots of stuff - and I would find it ridiculous to be tested in that way.  When I was on dating sites I assumed the purpose was to date people.  So if someone agreed to meet me in person I assumed it was to see if in the future we should go on a first date.  If the banter involved something like whether he could touch or kiss me in person or anything sexual I did not meet him, full stop.

There are men out there who are very deliberate about courting a woman, instead of bull-rushing into physical intimacy.

The more that I think about it, the more this guy is just looking to have a sexual friendship with you, rather than date you...well, according to his comments regarding the kiss.

Men who really want to date don't pressure a woman into physical intimacy, instead, they tend to be more gentlemanesque (letting her know that they are there to create a special bond, long-term). 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, chess103 said:

Look at his actions. If he doesn’t ask you out on a date, there you go. I don’t care how busy a man is, if he likes you, he’ll make time to see you.

Why is it all on him?  He tried to schedule one weekend, she was "out of town" that weekend.  

Apparently he tried to schedule something last Monday but it was her "busy" day at work.   Keep in mind we are talking about a 15-30 coffee meet, not a two hour extended lunch in the middle of the day.

He tried to flirt with her and express interest by making the "kiss" comment, which wasn't a "test," he was trying to be playful and flirty, not trying to lure her into bed.

They hadn't even met yet, neither of them would know anything until they meet in person. 

In the meantime, nothing wrong with some playful harmless flirtation which OP took literally and shot down.

Bottom line, they're not a match.  She's too "busy" and perhaps too serious for him and he lost interest.

 

 

[yogacat]

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think its kinda "cheesy" to even ask in person. I know now on West, consent is a big thing. But when I was young, I was always thought its lame to ask stuff like "Can I kiss you?" or even "Will you be my girlfriend? during dates. Because it kinda "kills the mood". And that instead you always just "seize the moment". Meaning to feel the moment during the date and kiss if you have a chance. Maybe it changed depending on a time and culture. But not me nore any of my men friends did it when we were young since it was considered "lame" back then. 

So it is kinda weird that he asked during messaging. There is always some "teasing" and thats fine. But to outright ask is a bit weird. 

True.

Albeit, at the end of a first date with a man once, we were sitting and talking and as we were saying our goodbyes, he asked if he could hug me. We hugged and that was the end of our date.

I didn't think anything of it, meaning any ulterior motives on his end I just felt (because of how the date went and he was a perfect gentlemen) he was being respectful and maybe didn't have the smoothest moves and I am not going to write someone off for showing respect and some vulnerability.

In this case, with no date lined up and suggesting kissing before meeting, it comes off as an attempt to pique physical things with that alone. It doesn't seem respectful or vulnerable to me, rather opportunistic and steering things to his wishes rather than allowing for chemistry and conversation to do its thing.

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

...if a stranger made that comment about kissing me - total red flag to me but that's me.

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

It's a bit presumptuous to suggest before a first date if he can kiss you. I would have wondered why he skipped to that point.

I wondered whether anyone else would pick this up. Speaking only for myself, I view anyone who mentions touching me in any way or anything about my body as doing a hook-up test. It's meant to learn how casual I might be, and I'm with Batya--he'd be a 'next' for me.

OP, since he's been sporadic in the past, you can wait to see if he reaches out, but I'd consider whether you'd really want to meet the guy in person. I think you were smart with your comment about not obligating yourself to kissing him. His raising of that was totally left field and premature.

If you view pre-meet discussions as ways to screen people in or out of your dating pool rather than trying to be pleasing, you're saving yourself a lot of time. You don't mention whether you regard yourself as relationship material, but if you do, I'd state that up front in my profile, I'd mention it in my conversations, and I'd beware of anyone who raises anything physically intimate at the gate.

Head high.

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He tried to flirt with her and express interest by making the "kiss" comment, which wasn't a "test," he was trying to be playful and flirty, not trying to lure her into bed.

I've engaged in banter with a female that turned flirty and even a little steamy despite us not being involved with each other yet. It wasn't a test. We weren't trying to see how far we could. It just started as having fun and one thing rolled into the other. Sometimes it's hard to put on the brakes and the conversation goes places neither of you expected.

I think they were both playing the middle ground. They were hinting they would be okay with something if it happened, but didn't want to seem forward like they were asking for it or expecting anything. 

 

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, toothless5 said:

It wasn't until within the last couple of weeks that we started really talking regularly. So, officially, it's been a couple of months. But, it feels much shorter, at least to me. 

It's only got serious in the last couple of weeks, so it is a short amount of time, even if you've technically known him longer.

Hopefully he'll respond today. But if you are really wondering, there is nothing wrong with checking in again. There aren't any rules on who contacts whom or how often. It's all playing it by feel and figuring out what works right for those involved. As long as you aren't being obsessive about it, it's perfectly fine to send someone a reminder.

I would recommend being more definitive though. If you couldn't meet in person, maybe you could have arranged another time to call to just check in and compare schedules again. Leaving things so wide open leads to the exact kinds of doubts and worries you are having. Setting firmer plans, if possible, tends to work out better.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I've engaged in banter with a female that turned flirty and even a little steamy despite us not being involved with each other yet. It wasn't a test.

47 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I think they were both playing the middle ground. They were hinting they would be okay with something if it happened, but didn't want to seem forward like they were asking for it or expecting anything

^^Thank you for sharing SS, I have as well and see nothing wrong with it.  In this case, it was an innocent comment re a kiss, nothing more, nothing less.  Such comments can lead to playful and fun convos which may be what this guy was aiming for - a playful and fun interaction.   Which is fine as long as both are on the same wavelength about it. 

Apparently OP was not and others posting admit they would feel offended by it or attach meaning to it like it was some sort of "hook up test" or something.   That's fine, we all interpret things/comments in different ways.

I never made that assumption, if there was an attraction (an online attraction), I love to flirt and be playful and I'd have fun with it!  It never led to anything bad and when we met, we either clicked or we didn't.  Neither of us felt pressured or obligated to do anything we didn't wish to do.

No wrong or right really.  What's important is that both people are on the same wavelength about it and OP's response may have sent him the message that they were not.

Her response about "no pressure/no obligation."  

JMO but when a person (man or woman) mentions not wanting to feel "pressured or obligated" before ever meeting in person, it's big red flag at least to me when men have said it.

In this case, it was his mention of a simple kiss that had her chiming back "no pressure/no obligation."

I can't speak for him but it may have sent him the message that she may be a bit anxious/hesitant/avoidant about certain things, I mean again even the mere mention of a simple kiss in a text message prompted her to mention feeling pressured and obligated otherwise she would NOT have said it.

Again, just trying to see it from HIS perspective and why he stopped reaching out after she made that comment.

OP you did NOTHING wrong, you and he are simply on different wavelengths, that's all.  Incompatible.

JMO.

 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

There are men out there who are very deliberate about courting a woman, instead of bull-rushing into physical intimacy.

The more that I think about it, the more this guy is just looking to have a sexual friendship with you, rather than date you...well, according to his comments regarding the kiss.

Men who really want to date don't pressure a woman into physical intimacy, instead, they tend to be more gentlemanesque (letting her know that they are there to create a special bond, long-term). 

That's fine in person.  Not from a stranger I've never met through an online site.  he's not courting me, we're not dating - we're strangers planning to meet in person to see if we should go on a date in the future.  I was very very strict about this from a safety perspective when I met men through online sites in person.  Sexual comments or references to future physical intimacy- bye!  In person -when we knew each other -different story and depended on context and timing.  

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

Men who really want to date don't pressure a woman into physical intimacy, instead, they tend to be more gentlemanesque (letting her know that they are there to create a special bond, long-term). 

First of all I fail to see how mentioning he'd like to kiss her is him "pressuring a woman into physical intimacy."  That is a HUGE assumption and a very negative one.

Secondly, it's a huge generalization to say when a man is interested he will let her know they are there to create a special bond, long term.  That is flat out untrue and I am speaking from experience having met a couple of long term ex's on line including my ex husband.

We began our online interactions just how this guy did -- playful flirting and banter.  We were both on the same wavelength so it was fun, playful and we met in person and clicked.

Speaking personally, I would RUN FOR THE HILLS if a man I had never even met said or suggested he was there to create a special bond, long term. 

Yikes!  Really?  I probably wouldn't even believe him.  It's one of those contrived statements a man says because he thinks it will appeal to some women that he is "relationship oriented."  

I tend to think he's simply full of shyt because how could he possibly know what he wants to happen, he's never even met me!

Anyway, if that's what you like/prefer yoga, that's fine, as the saying goes, to each their own.  Different strokes and all that.....

[yogacat]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Anyway, if that's what you like/prefer yoga, that's fine, as the saying goes, to each their own.  Different strokes and all that.....

Yes, it is what I prefer. I dislike when someone mentions the possibility of physical intimacy before we've even been on a date!

Sure, there are definitely jerks on dating apps who only want a hookup, but there are also plenty of good guys who may mention it because they're genuinely attracted to the person and see potential for physical intimacy in the future. 

But as soon as she said she wants to take things slower and not put pressure on it, he seemed to immediately go cold. So that seems like a red flag to me.

[Batya33]

My reasons wouldn't have to do with pressure just that I think it's wildly inappropriate and often creepy for a stranger to bring up anything sexual or sex-related to a person they're planning on meeting to see if they should date in the future.  It's totally appropriate if it's a hook up site or the profiles relate to looking for a hook up -then of course! I love flirting and banter and talking about sex and kissing -with someone I know in person and am dating in person. I love flirting and banter with strangers that doesn't cross over into sex related talk.  I declined to meet a man because we were talking about Sex and The City which was so popular then -I mentioned a favorite scene because of a NYC reference and his response was to tell me he loved one of the oral sex scenes.  I was done, I didn't meet him -I knew if he'd go there we had nowhere to go as far as potential for a relationship.

My profile mentioned wanting marriage and family.  I only contacted men and accepted messages from men who wanted the same.  We didn't discuss "special bonds" before meeting but once in awhile the general subject of marriage came up - weddings we'd gone to, friends who were having kids ,etc.  Not personally or specifically but if he told me or I figured out he lied on his profile and wasn't marriage minded generally we didn't meet.

OP - he never firmed up plans and in part you didn't show quite enough interest in firming up plans IMO.  As happens in dating -whether an online site or you meet at a party or  through friends -if someone is actively dating and meeting people things can change in one day.  They absolutely did for me. 

One day I was on an awful 3rd date, the next day I made a plan to see my ex fiancee for a friendly catch up dinner and sparks flew (but weren't mentioned by either of us, at all) and one or two days after that I had a really nice first meet with an online guy.  I did date online guy for a couple of weeks - and if I'd met him just a week earlier who knows if I'd even have met up with my ex-fiancee? Life is like that especially when there are no specific plans (ex fiancee called me 3 days after that dinner to ask if I wanted to see play two days after that -but I assumed it was not a date.  It wasn't.  

My friend from grad school dated a lovely woman for a few months in his 30s but she wasn't the one.  They ended things -from how I know the story he then went on a first meet through a dating site -nice person and he likely would have asked her out again -except that same week he went to a birthday party and met his future wife there.  So I'm sure he didn't ask out the other woman or if so maybe once.  He and his future wife were hot and heavy from the beginning.  Timing matters.

If you are interested in meeting someone in person make sure you have a plan in place -and within a week if at all possible.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, yogacat said:

But as soon as she said she wants to take things slower and not put pressure on it, he seemed to immediately go cold. So that seems like a red flag to me.

Possibly.  Or perhaps between her being so "busy" not even wanting to take 15-30 minutes out of her "busy" day to meet for coffee and her comment about feeling "pressured and obligated" by the mere mention of a kiss during what she admitted was a flirtatious conversation, he decided she was not a woman he was interested in moving forward with.

It's hard to say, this is all speculation.

All we know he hasn't contacted her in a week even after she reached out over the weekend.

The man is not interested no matter how you slice and dice.

[yogacat]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Possibly.  Or perhaps between her being so "busy" not even wanting to take 15-30 minutes out of her "busy" day to meet for coffee and her comment about feeling "pressured and obligated" by the mere mention of a kiss during what she admitted was a flirtatious conversation sent him the message she was not a woman he was interested in moving forward with.

It's hard to say, this is all speculation.

All we know he hasn't contacted her in a week even after she reached out over the weekend.

The man is not interested no matter how you slice and dice.

Who cares if he's not interested. Except for OP.