advice

[esrock21]

I'm at a person I'm interested in to ask him out for either drinks as in coffee or something just looking for advice on the best way to approach this person and ask them out on a date

[shouldhavelearned]

By talking to them

[catfeeder]

Some context would be helpful, unless you just want the kind of general advice you could look up in any article on the Internet.

[ShySoul]

How well do you know each other? There is a difference between a close friend, a person you know but aren't really close to, and a person you've never spoken to. Each situation might involve a slightly different answer.

In general, just be calm and talk to the person as you would anyone else. Don't overthink it. Don't stress yourself out or worry about it. As much as the person might inspire butterflies in your stomach, they are just another person like anyone else. Be honest, be sincere, and be kind. And know that no matter how things go, it won't be the end of the world. Most people will be polite, even if they aren't interested. And if they are, who knows where it could lead.

[smackie9]

Develop a little bit of rapport with them, then suggest going out for a coffee to continue on with the conversation.

[chess103]

Make good eye contact and be confident and friendly. If the guy has any sense of a social iq and if interested, he’ll pick up on it. 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @smackie9.  If it were me,  I highly doubt I'd jump at the chance of a date without having at least some type of conversation with him even if it's brief.  Perhaps a reasonable length walk.  Then ask this person to meet for coffee.  I wouldn't go right out and ask this person for a bar meet up.  Try the non-alcoholic route first. 

[ShySoul]

So, I see people say all time to ask a person to meet for coffee. What if the person doesn't drink coffee? Or alcohol for that matter? Is there a natural way to phrase it to account for drink preferences? Maybe just name the location and ask if they want to meet up and chat/hang out?

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

So, I see people say all time to ask a person to meet for coffee. What if the person doesn't drink coffee? Or alcohol for that matter? Is there a natural way to phrase it to account for drink preferences? Maybe just name the location and ask if they want to meet up and chat/hang out?

It's a phrase - I often ordered water if I'd had my coffee for the  day and I avoided meeting at a bar and I didn't order alcohol if I did.  Once or twice I met the person for a walk.  I didn't meet to "hang out" unless for some reason I didn't want him to think it was a date or first meet.  Which was really, really rare.

[TeeDee]

It's a phrase.  Don't get too hung up on the other person's beverage choice.  I hate coffee; I'd order tea, hot chocolate or a soda.   In a bar if I was driving, I got a soda.   It's about picking a venue, usually a restaurant / place of public accommodation to meet.  

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, TeeDee said:

It's about picking a venue, usually a restaurant / place of public accommodation to meet.  

Then just say the venue. 

"Hey, want to hang out/grab something at Starbucks/Olive Garden/insert name of restaurant here."

Then you are actually setting a plan as opposed to a vague statement. Personally, if someone asked me to get coffee, I'd have to respond honestly I don't really drink it which other creates an awkward moment or forces wasted time in figuring out something else. 

Guess I just refer to be direct and set a firm place from the get go. Or I just actually know the person before I ask anything and then aim the location at something I know will please them. Takes the other more into consideration and will be noticed.

 

[Batya33]

I ask if they want to meet for coffee or lunch or a walk because I don't want to mention a specific place both because of preference and geography.  The only exception is I live near a major gourmet store with a cafe that has great parking and right off the highway so if the new friend lives in the burbs I mention that because I can walk there.  I think it's off putting to say "I don't drink coffee"-I've never been to a place that only serves coffee.  Just like if I mention lunch and the person never eats lunch they still can meet and not eat.

If a man in a dating site had asked to meet to hang out I'd have moved on.  I was looking to meet someone interested in potentially dating not just hanging out. I'd also have found the word choice kind of immature as far as how to communicate with a woman who'd said on a dating site she was looking for marriage and family ultimately -totally fine if it was a friends site or similar.

[TeeDee]

If somebody says "wanna get a coffee?" without mentioning a place, my response is usually "sure how about [date / day of the week] at [venue / place]?"   If they say yes, I suggest a time.  Somewhere in there I make a joke about not liking coffee which is why I picked where ever I suggested because I know that place has something I will drink. 

People get their panties in a twist over the slightest stuff at the beginning.  Meet the person halfway & offer up suggestions.  Don't sit there & fume, then complain you can't meet anybody decent when you are rejecting somebody because they didn't ask the initial Q / invite exactly the way you would have phrased it.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, TeeDee said:

If somebody says "wanna get a coffee?" without mentioning a place, my response is usually "sure how about [date / day of the week] at [venue / place]?"   If they say yes, I suggest a time.  Somewhere in there I make a joke about not liking coffee which is why I picked where ever I suggested because I know that place has something I will drink. 

People get their panties in a twist over the slightest stuff at the beginning.  Meet the person halfway & offer up suggestions.  Don't sit there & fume, then complain you can't meet anybody decent when you are rejecting somebody because they didn't ask the initial Q / invite exactly the way you would have phrased it.  

Yes- I knew that if a man contacted me through a dating site and asked if I wanted to hang out -which typically meant at his place -or "hang out sometime" I knew he very likely wasn't serious minded. About me or generally or whatever.  If he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee as a first meet -totally fine.  If he asked for a drink that was ok too -I would order what I wished whether alcohol or no.

[TeeDee]

Hang out or come over is a no go.  That is code to NSA sex & a sign of a lazy partner.  No thanks. 

But somebody who maybe doesn't know my area well or even the "middle" between us can be excused for not leading with a venue. 

[ShySoul]

21 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Hang out or come over is a no go.  That is code to NSA sex & a sign of a lazy partner.  No thanks.

So ask to hang out/meet/date/whatever you want to call it, at a mutally agreed upon public location that the person actually names. That's not code for sex. That's not being lazy. That's actually putting in more thought and showing I'm not looking for anything other then their time.

I'm probably just more honest and direct then most people. I would take the time to learn who the person is before I could even consider anything else. I would pick an activity or place they have expressed interest in. I would say it directly. And I would never be using any kind of code. If the other side wants to infer something about me, they can. But then that's a sign they wouldn't be good for me.

Or just don't care. Don't think and don't make assumptions. Say what naturally comes out. Just be you. As long as you are respectful, none of the rest of it matters. Either it works or it doesn't.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Say what naturally comes out.

Not if the goal is to make a good first impression then it depends on whether the person typically has a good filter or blurts stuff out. When my husband first asked me to lunch in July 1995 he obviously thought about what he wanted to say - he was very shy and introverted and concerned about how I would respond.  He was calling a coworker at work during the work day.  Had he called and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime I'd have assumed he was looking for a work buddy or a buddy.  We'd recently met at a work event and had a nice convo.  If he blurted out "hey I really liked seeing you at the event and you touched my arm so I figured you might like me" I'd have not wanted further contact with him even if he was just saying what naturally came out.  

For sure be yourself and if you are a person who wants the lady to know you're not going to conform to traditional date-speak - you want her to know you are different, you like to hang out before dating someone and/or you only want someone who would never focus on whether it was actually a date or not -go for it -there's a kettle for every pot.  But if the person is looking to date someone with potential for a relationship I'd never take the risk of the casual "hang out" one uses with a buddy or potential buddy or when it means hang out at my place and let's hook up.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Or just don't care. Don't think and don't make assumptions. Say what naturally comes out. Just be you. As long as you are respectful, none of the rest of it matters. Either it works or it doesn't.

I agree with this^ Shy.  Personally speaking, I cannot stand it when men "try too hard" to do anything let alone 'make a good impression' which differs depending on the woman anyway so why try or be concerned about it?

I find that to be so phony and contrived, I would much rather a man be his true genuine self even if it is a little brash or goofy or whatever versus him walking on eggshells making sure he says the "right" thing or the "proper" thing for fear of turning me off or not "making a good impression." 

I find THAT to be a bigger turn off than any terminology used as long as it's not derogatory or disrespectful.  And asking a woman (or man if roles reversed) to hang out together one night (or day) is hardly derogatory or disrespectful.  Not in my opinion anyway.

Secure, confident people don't think or operate that way in my experience, they are simply who they are and people will either accept or not and if not, they move on.

I have had long term boyfriends ask me at times to "hang out" during the early stages, and these were successful educated, articulate men.  It doesn't always have to mean "he just wants sex," or whatever other assumption one wishes to attach to it.

It never did in my relationships.

Again such words and phrases can have a myriad of meanings depending on who said, how they said it and the context within which it was said.

I am attracted to his "presence" his "essence" anyway and when attracted he could do cartwheels in the middle of Fifth Avenue in NYC and I would find probably find it hilarious!!!  lol

That is female attraction at least for me and other women I know.

If other women wish to get hung up on words and phrases and attach meaning to them and assume things about the man who said, what his intentions are or whatever, so be, to each her own as they say.

Whatever works for you.

[yogacat]

I invited a male friend over to hang out. We've been friends for over two years and I have always been clear that I have no romantic interest in him. I wanted to make him pizza as a friendly gesture.

However, towards the end of the night, he surprised me by trying to hold my hand and kiss me. I know labels can be tricky, but I believe he misinterpreted my invitation to hang out as a sign to make a move. 

So, sometimes words CAN BE misinterpreted so I think inviting the person to a specific activity and mentioning the word date will make sure they are on the same page. 

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I cannot stand it when men "try too hard" to do anything let alone 'make a good impression' which differs depending on the woman anyway so why try or be concerned about it?

To me trying too hard is making a bad impression.  Typically was a deal breaker for me -came across as desperate. If a man would be forcing or trying to hard to ask a woman out on a date he planned in advance then he should not do that ever.  He should look for a woman who enjoys a man who either agrees to hang out with her if she asks or would welcome and maybe even prefer being asked to hang out than asked on a date. I'm sure there are women who would really like that and appreciate that and find that to be charming.  I would not.  I know no one who would but I'm just one person who knows many many people but certainly not everyone -not even close!

The men I seriously dated enjoyed asking me out on dates and planning dates. They enjoyed communicating in that way -maybe not at first -meaning if it was nerve wracking (it was for me when I asked men out but I did it -and I didn't ask them to hang out). The men I dated worked in professional environments, went to many events social and professional and were interested in being successful professionally and motivated to make a good impression socially. 

When I was asked to hang out I said yes if it was just for a fun hook up, if it was platonic, if it wasn't on a weekend date night and I figured - maybe he is into me (and maybe in the circumstances asking me out on a date wouldn't have been a great idea).  I never assumed he wanted to date me at that point and I assumed I should make sure I could afford where we were going as I would never expect that person to treat or offer to treat.

Without "trying too hard" - did they work at it -of course as did I.  But that's not "too hard" that's just putting effort into a social or professional situation to either behave appropriately or attain a goal -whether it's furthering a friendship, networking, being a team player etc. Tomorrow I plan to go to lunch with my colleagues to welcome a new colleague.  I won't try too hard but I'm motivated to make a good impression on the new colleague and in general.  There are people who avoid such situations, who seek out jobs or careers where they don't interact because it would feel like they are forcing it "trying too hard" -that's cool too. 

Like I said if asking a woman out on a date planned in advance and using traditional language to do so would feel forced that person can absolutely meet women and be in relationships -with women who prefer to do away with dating "rituals" or typical ways dating has occurred over many years.  And if the woman is like me and declines that person moves on.  The only thing is in my experience that would limit the dating pool quite a bit -but no one has to date, no one has to date someone who doesn't like their way of speaking.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

I invited a male friend over to hang out. We've been friends for over two years and I have always been clear that I have no romantic interest in him. I wanted to make him pizza as a friendly gesture.

However, towards the end of the night, he surprised me by trying to hold my hand and kiss me. I know labels can be tricky, but I believe he misinterpreted my invitation to hang out as a sign to make a move. 

So, sometimes words CAN BE misinterpreted so I think inviting the person to a specific activity and mentioning the word date will make sure they are on the same page. 

 

Yes - my colleague years ago -engaged - was in our offices on business and wanted to come over to watch as show -I had no clue he meant something different until he told me a day earlier that he was bringing overnight clothes "just in case."  So I cancelled. (Yes they married -have been married decades now).

It's also possible that your friend knew it was just a hang out but then thought you were into him as the night progressed.  Many years ago too my very close male friend -we are still close! - and I went out to dinner as we often did - we were single - and then went back to his apartment as we often did to hang out and talk a bit before I went home.  Totally platonic.  That night he asked if I wanted to watch a movie but it would have to be in his room since he had a roommate -it was still early in the evening. I realized then it might make the wrong impression (yes I would have watched it in the living room).  So I simply said no, I was tired -we never spoke of it again.  It was totally fine -who knows -but I figured why take the chance.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

To me trying too hard is making a bad impression.  Typically was a deal breaker for me -came across as desperate..

^^Pretty much what I posted but in different words.  Huge turn.off.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

The men I seriously dated enjoyed asking me out on dates and planning dates.

^^Same for me and the men I dated and date.  It's not a hard and fast "rule" for me though.  I'm flexible and open to a more casual approach too. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When I was asked to hang out I said yes if it was just for a fun hook up...

^^Not my experience.  Sometimes yes but not always.  

In turn I've had men ask me out on a "proper" date who were seeking a fun casual hookup!!   

Bottom line, it doesn't matter what "words" a man uses. It is about who he is as man, what his intentions are and there is no way one can know that with any degree of certainty unless and until she actually goes out with him, unless she's psychic which I'm not.

Perceptive yes, psychic no.

And he demonstrates his intentions through both words and actions. 

As evidenced by long term boyfriends having asked me if we could "hang out together" on a beautiful Saturday afternoon (for example), we did, had a wonderful time, sometimes it extended into dinner, sometimes not and we ended up having a long term relationship!

I dunno different strokes but I never ever "assume" things about a man or anyone based on "words," I focus on his "actions" combined with his words. 

Both are necessary in my world. 

I think assumptions are unfair; I've had men make certain assumptions about me based on lord only knows what -  the color of my hair, the type of job I had, my family background etc which assumptions were and are totally false!   

I've had certain people on this forum make assumptions about me - that I'm only seeking casual relationships or whatever.   Which is totally false. 

Which is why I don't make assumptions about them or anyone until getting to know and discovering through both words and actions. 

Unless of course as posted earlier his first words to me are something crude and disrespectful after which I just assume he's an a**hole. lol

Anyway nuff said, different strokes.  Whatever works. 

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's also possible that your friend knew it was just a hang out but then thought you were into him as the night progressed.  Many years ago too my very close male friend -we are still close! - and I went out to dinner as we often did - we were single - and then went back to his apartment as we often did to hang out and talk a bit before I went home.  Totally platonic.  That night he asked if I wanted to watch a movie but it would have to be in his room since he had a roommate -it was still early in the evening. I realized then it might make the wrong impression (yes I would have watched it in the living room).  So I simply said no, I was tired -we never spoke of it again.  It was totally fine -who knows -but I figured why take the chance.

I'm unsure why he thought it was romantic when we have discussed the nature of our relationship on a couple occasions and that it's platonic. So even when verbal communication was there in this incident, he still misinterpreted the situation.

Now, if he had invited me to his, I would have declined. Similar to your example. 

OP, just invite whoever this person is to an specific activity -  it doesn't have to be labeled a "date" - but there are other ways that you can show that you are interested romantically on the date.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

As evidenced by long term boyfriends having asked me if we could "hang out together" on a beautiful Saturday afternoon (for example), we did, had a wonderful time, sometimes it extended into dinner, sometimes not and we ended up having a long term relationship!

I'm referring only to early dating not a long term boyfriend.  Or someone you are dating regularly.  

I was flexible and open to a casual approach when I was not looking to date the person, when I was looking only to casually date -rarely but once in a blue moon at certain stages, or if I were at a Club Med for example.  I'd have known if a man asked me to hang out early on as his way of asking me out on a date -I'd have known he likely was not for me long term.  I had a long term boyfriend -he was 22 I was 23.  He told me he'd just finished college where they didn't really date -you know -dorm life and he asked me to show him the ropes of actual dating LOL.  It was so cute.  And so sweet that he cared.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm referring only to early dating not a long term boyfriend.

^^So was I, I refer you to the last sentence of the post you quoted.

To clarify, this was early in and such relationships ended up becoming long term relationships.