work friend

[Tinydance]

Well, when you say some years passed where you weren't as close, what were your interactions like? Like, did she mostly ignore you? Or you spoke occasionally? I'm assuming you are older people if she was with her husband for 43 years. 

I've found as I'm getting older that friendships sort of ebb and flow and change overtime. Personally I'm still happy to have a friend even if we previously drifted off a bit. The only way I wouldn't want them in my life anymore is if they actually treated me badly or they completely ignored me. Like, if I sent messages and they didn't reply and things like that. 

I've found when I was younger, like in my teens and 20's, friendships were more clearly defined. Because my friends and I didn't have big life commitments, kids, etc., we had a lot of time to talk and hang out. So you would have your friends that you spoke to all the time and anyone else you probably just completely drifted from.

I find as an older adult that you have people in your life and you talk to them and see them, but it's not constant. Like, they're just there and you catch up when you can. I understand there's a difference between friends like that and friends who just don't seem to care. Like, they don't reply to you, gave a party and don't invite you, etc. I wouldn't keep people like that in my life but otherwise I'm fine with it. 

I don't necessarily see what your friend did that was really bad. She transferred to another office and she made new friends there. Maybe they're not even her besties or something but they're there so that's who she spends time with. I do think maybe she should have asked you to join them for lunch but maybe she's just a bit "thick" and didn't think of it. I'm also not sure if she had been very largely preoccupied with her husband's cancer all these years. Maybe she didn't really have time to see a lot of people but those women were already at her work. So she had lunch with them at work because she was already at work anyway and she needed company.

[itsallgrand]

It really seems to me as an outsider that this was a case of corporate rot spreading. She was sent to that office with known bullying during the most vulnerable time in her life. The bullying there wasn't solved, instead corporate sent you in just enough so they could officially say it was dealt with. But the bullies were still there ruling the roost and all the better employees were forced to live within that. When the rot isn't removed, it festers and spreads. Your friend got eaten up by it. 

 

 

 

[reinventmyself]

16 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

But the bullies were still there ruling the roost and all the better employees were forced to live within that. When the rot isn't removed, it festers and spreads. Your friend got eaten up by it. 

Thank you!

I will touch on TinyD's comments:

You pointed out me being older? . .lol.  Well, I guess it's fair say I have a good deal of life experiences.  I am no stranger to outgrowing friendships.  My mother gave me great advice when I younger, that you typically change your circle of friends about every 5 years. 

While I shared my experience in this thread, I totally understood why she would connect with these women she was with every single day.  For that matter I have other circle of friends and I'd like to believe I have a healthy grasp on how to navigate shifts.  And if it was just that I wouldn't have come here to talk about it to begin with.  It would smack of immaturity or a lack of insightfulness on my part.

I mentioned repeatedly that I spent the first year of our shift writing it off to nothing more than a coincidence when I fact I was just making excuses for her not-so-subtle actions and at times blatantly hurtful ones.

17 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well, when you say some years passed where you weren't as close, what were your interactions like? Like, did she mostly ignore you? Or you spoke occasionally?

When I mentioned that it did not appear you read the thread entirely, I gave specific examples of some things that transpired that would answer these questions you now ask.

Initially, I didn't come here to speak poorly of my friend, but more so to get feedback about doing the right thing while honoring myself.

I am sorry about your brother, and I can't help but wonder if that's the filter you are viewing through?  Totally understandable and getting all shades of different feedback is why we are here, right?

I wasn't going to defend myself. . but I guess I just did.  

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I wasn't going to defend myself. . but I guess I just did.  

Mmmm, I don't think so. I'd call it clarifying.

Quote

Initially, I didn't come here to speak poorly of my friend, but more so to get feedback about doing the right thing while honoring myself.

I think this is where 'the right thing' needs a clear definition in your own mind. Are you trying to behave according to code of ethics you hold? If so, you've already satisfied an ethical response You reached out, you offered comfort, and you kept your kindness in tact without pushing into any private territory to address your own emotional fallout. Good job, and that's done.

Now, if 'the right thing' in your terms, goes beyond that, then it might help to determine what that means?

 

[Tinydance]

7 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Thank you!

I will touch on TinyD's comments:

You pointed out me being older? . .lol.  Well, I guess it's fair say I have a good deal of life experiences.  I am no stranger to outgrowing friendships.  My mother gave me great advice when I younger, that you typically change your circle of friends about every 5 years. 

While I shared my experience in this thread, I totally understood why she would connect with these women she was with every single day.  For that matter I have other circle of friends and I'd like to believe I have a healthy grasp on how to navigate shifts.  And if it was just that I wouldn't have come here to talk about it to begin with.  It would smack of immaturity or a lack of insightfulness on my part.

I mentioned repeatedly that I spent the first year of our shift writing it off to nothing more than a coincidence when I fact I was just making excuses for her not-so-subtle actions and at times blatantly hurtful ones.

When I mentioned that it did not appear you read the thread entirely, I gave specific examples of some things that transpired that would answer these questions you now ask.

Initially, I didn't come here to speak poorly of my friend, but more so to get feedback about doing the right thing while honoring myself.

I am sorry about your brother, and I can't help but wonder if that's the filter you are viewing through?  Totally understandable and getting all shades of different feedback is why we are here, right?

I wasn't going to defend myself. . but I guess I just did.  

Actually sorry but I read your post again and I don't really see specific examples? You said that your friend distanced herself from you but because I don't know you or her, I don't really know what you mean by "distanced". I also have different definitions of distanced. To me personally distanced means that person barely replies to you (or not at all), doesn't initiate any messages, doesn't invite you out or accept your invitations. Like, seems deliberate in trying to cut or cut down contact with you.

I'm not that old I suppose but I'm nearly 40. I've had a similar thing happen over the years where I was super close to someone, spoke constantly, hung out constantly and then the friendship changed. But it didn't change in the sense that it became bad. For example, I met one of my best female friends twenty years ago also through work. I was 19 and she was 21. We talked and went out all the time together. We were single so we went to bars and clubs, met guys, went to movies, sleepovers, anything and everything. But when she met her now husband of 17 years, she became not as available. Then she also had two kids and she worked full-time. And her kids are on the spectrum so I think it was harder for her. We began to not talk or catch up as much but we were still always best friends. We would just talk and see each other when we could. To me that's not deliberate distancing but it's life circumstances changing the friendship. 

I could be wrong but this could be the case with your friend. You worked together for 20 years so you ate lunch together at work every day. Then she moved to another office and those other women were physically there. So she ate her lunch with them and not you. I understand you find them catty or troublesome but maybe she didn't or chose to overlook it to have company at work.

[rainbowsandroses]

Hello @reinventmyself, having read this entire thread, I agree with @Tinydanceand have also experienced a similar situation with my BFF since third grade.

When we were in our late teens/very early 20s, we befriended a group of girls that I didn't care for, they were also rather "bullyish" and "clickish," we didn't share the same values and I didn't enjoy spending time with them so I chose not to.

I am not one to hide my feelings so although I was never rude, disrespectful or mean, in their eyes I appeared cold and "standoffish" so the feeling was mutual.

My bff on the other hand did click with them, and slowly began distancing herself from me in favor of hanging out with them.

I was extremely hurt for a long time but I accepted it and we drifted apart, we didn't see each other or speak for several years!

One day SHE extended the olive branch, I grabbed hold of it and we reconnected.  Not a word was said about why she distanced (or I distanced), it didn't matter, we had reconnected and it was literally like no time had passed!   

And to this day we are still the best of friends!

Sure there are times when we don't speak or see each other for a time, but it doesn't matter, as good friends we both know we are always there for each other in mind and spirit even if it's not always in body.

Something I have learned is that like any relationship, friendships ebb and flow.  They have their ups and downs, times when they drift apart but then come back together. 

And when the friendship is strong we don't question it; we choose instead to simply cherish the good times and value our connection as true good friends are hard to come by at least in my experience.

Lastly,

9 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I am sorry about your brother, and I can't help but wonder if that's the filter you are viewing through?

This^ was in response to @Tinydance which confused me as it's my understanding @Tinydanceis an only child.

"Especially because I'm an only child so I actually have no experience of even having a brother or a sister."

In any event, I hope you can find a place of peace about this @reinvent and that your friendship continues to thrive and bring joy.

 

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

13 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hello @reinventmyself, having read this entire thread, I agree with @Tinydanceand have also experienced a similar situation with my BFF since third grade.

When we were in our late teens/very early 20s, we befriended a group of girls that I didn't care for, they were also rather "bullyish" and "clickish," we didn't share the same values and I didn't enjoy spending time with them so I chose not to.

I am not one to hide my feelings so although I was never rude, disrespectful or mean, in their eyes I appeared cold and "standoffish" so the feeling was mutual.

My bff on the other hand did click with them, and slowly began distancing herself from me in favor of hanging out with them.

I was extremely hurt for a long time but I accepted it and we drifted apart, we didn't see each other or speak for several years!

One day SHE extended the olive branch, I grabbed hold of it and we reconnected.  Not a word was said about why she distanced (or I distanced), it didn't matter, we had reconnected and it was literally like no time had passed!   

And to this day we are still the best of friends!

Sure there are times when we don't speak or see each other for a time, but it doesn't matter, as good friends we both know we are always there for each other in mind and spirit even if it's not always in body.

Something I have learned is that like any relationship, friendships ebb and flow.  They have their ups and downs, times when they drift apart but then come back together. 

And when the friendship is strong we don't question it; we choose instead to simply cherish the good times and value our connection as true good friends are hard to come by at least in my experience.

I had a similar experience with my best friend from 11, a group of girls kept picking on her in school. One day we were walking home (this was before she and I became friends) and the "clicky" group started tormenting her.

I and the bully girl got into an exchange of words and she pushed me, so I grabbed the girl (mind you I was 10) and head locked her and grabbed her jaw telling her we don't bully people where we are from. She never bullied her again and my bff and I became friends after that.

We don't speak every day but we reconnect as if no time has passed when we do. She's the one that invited me on the camping trip. She always recounts how one of the girls later finally apologized to her for what happened.

Hello @reinventmyself, it sure seems we are quite alike and I can understand your reservations having been through a similar experience. Personally, I have come to realize however that life is too short to hold onto grudges or to let anger get in the way of connecting and re-connecting with loved ones and true friends. My thought is that you are fortunate that "your friend" and she has made contact again and that she harbors no ill will. You could however always express how you feel to her and then let the friendship progress or not. JMHO, mind you.

[ShySoul]

On 7/29/2024 at 8:03 PM, reinventmyself said:

Every single time we crossed paths she asked 'what are you doing here!?'

If I sat at the reception desk my friend would come into work and walk right past me without a single word.  Every,single,time.  Yet if the receptionist was there or anyone else covering the desk they were a greeted with a chipper 'good morning'  Me - still invisible after 2 years.  Other times I happen to be sitting in a hotelling office directly across from reception witnessing this coincidence over and over.  Funny enough if an employee dropping in for the day was in the same hotelling office, she would greet them too.

She asked about my mother once only by texting me from the other side of office suites, but never acknowledged her passing. 

I believe these are the examples reinventmyself was referring to. Specifically ignoring you while happily greeting everyone else, ignoring the passing of your mother... that goes a little beyond distancing yourself and losing touch with a friend. Feels a bit more deliberate. So it's undestandable that she would be hesitant about this person's motives. 

Reinventmyself, I think you're doing the right think. Respect her enough to hear her out and see if you can rebuild the friendship. Try to enjoy things for what they are today without holding a grudge. But don't ignore your feelings. If she hurt you, then it's okay to be catious. It's okay if you need some kind of explanation or resolution from her. 

Hopefully you can weather the storm and both of you can get back what you once had.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I believe these are the examples reinventmyself was referring to. Specifically ignoring you while happily greeting everyone else, ignoring the passing of your mother... that goes a little beyond distancing yourself and losing touch with a friend. Feels a bit more deliberate. So it's undestandable that she would be hesitant about this person's motives. 

^^I did read that @ Shy, and yes I agree that IS very hurtful!

In my story with my BFF since third grade and her befriending the group of girls and choosing to drop ME for them, there were times when she was with the catty group, she would deliberately ignore me in order to "fit in" with those girls. 

I recall crying at times, I felt so hurt!

But we were very young and immature and with the help of my dad, I chalked it up to peer pressure to fit in and so when she extended the olive branch a few years later when we both had grown and matured, what happened back then didn't seem to matter.

That said to @reinventmyself I do understand how you feel, your feelings are valid and I can empathize.  Especially since I've experienced it.

I was just sharing how I chose to deal with it, what worked for ME.

If what worked for me doesn't work for you and/or doesn't align with your values re friendships, I would never judge that and agree with what @ShySoulposted in his previous post.

I hope that clarifies my feelings about it and like I said earlier I do hope you can get to a place of peace about it and rebuild your friendship to what it once was or perhaps even stronger than it was previously.

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

20 hours ago, yogacat said:

Personally, I have come to realize however that life is too short to hold onto grudges or to let anger get in the way of connecting and re-connecting with loved ones and true friends. My thought is that you are fortunate that "your friend" and she has made contact again and that she harbors no ill will. You could however always express how you feel to her and then let the friendship progress or not. JMHO, mind you.

And -yes of course and sometimes -that line is crossed and there's no going back and it's hard to see a reason to try again.  Both my husband and I had separate experiences with the same tragic ending. In my case I had a last straw moment with a friend of a couple of years who I began to realize was trying to undermine me, did not have my best interests at heart.  So I cut her out of my life.  We had mutual friends and I learned she had cancer a year or so later. So I sent her a card.  Never heard.  She passed away.  I have some but not intense regrets because I'd helped her -including lending her small amounts of $ etc and she took advantage but also was simply not a thoughtful or loyal friend.  But yes when that happens - wow.

My husband had a similar scenario with a long term friendship.  I supported him cutting off the friendship because of what happened.  But during the pandemic the friend suddenly died -apparently not from covid - and, yes there were some regrets but not in the beating oneself up way.

In the OP's case it's the friend's husband who was so ill but it goes to show you -this stuff happens (and in our cases our friends were in their 30s and 50s.  Not elderly!

OP I cut out a friend who then reached out a year later - she was just -toxic -because she heard I had a baby and wanted to wish me well.  I was a new mom of a newborn so I responded politely without opening doors.  A few years later I heard she had a baby so I did the same as she'd done for me.  She responded as I had.  And there it is -but -I'm glad I did that.  After 20-30 year friendship I felt I should at least return the gesture.

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, ShySoul said:

On 7/29/2024 at 11:03 PM, reinventmyself said:

Every single time we crossed paths she asked 'what are you doing here!?'

If I sat at the reception desk my friend would come into work and walk right past me without a single word.  Every,single,time.  Yet if the receptionist was there or anyone else covering the desk they were a greeted with a chipper 'good morning'  Me - still invisible after 2 years.  Other times I happen to be sitting in a hotelling office directly across from reception witnessing this coincidence over and over.  Funny enough if an employee dropping in for the day was in the same hotelling office, she would greet them too.

She asked about my mother once only by texting me from the other side of office suites, but never acknowledged her passing. 

Expand  

I believe these are the examples reinventmyself was referring to. Specifically ignoring you while happily greeting everyone else, ignoring the passing of your mother... that goes a little beyond distancing yourself and losing touch with a friend. Feels a bit more deliberate. So it's undestandable that she would be hesitant about this person's motives. 

Yes, this was the context I needed to read in order to understand that this wasn't just some lightweight divergence. This was a grown woman who deliberately chose to join office bullies to ostracize R, her friend of many years. It would have been one thing to explain her position to R outside of the office and credit her with understanding why she may feel a need to lie low. But instead, she went low, and far lower than even she may have believed was necessary at the time. I'd have a hard time with that, too.

This is why my choice would be one of two things. Either to live and let live, meaning stay out of touch and let the friend live with what she did without any further contact from me. In this case, I might welcome friend's contact if she reached out, but not for long if she didn't raise this issue on her own and address it. Or, I'd reach out to friend and ask her whether she's willing to discuss the issue with me. If friend won't go there, then goodbye to her. If friend is willing to address what happened, and she expresses regret rather than defending her behavior, I'd consider that a step toward healing, and I'd be more open to leaning whether a second chapter might be in the cards for us.

But there's no way I'd just place aside the hurt I feel about this woman's behavior in order to play stupid and cheerful going forward. That's what's referred to as 'toxic positivity,' and it's been known to eat one's own stomach lining. I'd skip that scenario at all costs.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, this was the context I needed to read in order to understand that this wasn't just some lightweight divergence. This was a grown woman who deliberately chose to join office bullies to ostracize R, her friend of many years. It would have been one thing to explain her position to R outside of the office and credit her with understanding why she may feel a need to lie low. But instead, she went low, and far lower than even she may have believed was necessary at the time. I'd have a hard time with that, too.

This is why my choice would be one of two things. Either to live and let live, meaning stay out of touch and let the friend live with what she did without any further contact from me. In this case, I might welcome friend's contact if she reached out, but not for long if she didn't raise this issue on her own and address it. Or, I'd reach out to friend and ask her whether she's willing to discuss the issue with me. If friend won't go there, then goodbye to her. If friend is willing to address what happened, and she expresses regret rather than defending her behavior, I'd consider that a step toward healing, and I'd be more open to leaning whether a second chapter might be in the cards for us.

But there's no way I'd just place aside the hurt I feel about this woman's behavior in order to play stupid and cheerful going forward. That's what's referred to as 'toxic positivity,' and it's been known to eat one's own stomach lining. I'd skip that scenario at all costs.

This is such a nuanced way of looking at it and I agree.  I agree that there needs to be  some acknowledgement and transparency -would have been better if it had been then but better than nothing.  

[yogacat]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And -yes of course and sometimes -that line is crossed and there's no going back and it's hard to see a reason to try again.  Both my husband and I had separate experiences with the same tragic ending. In my case I had a last straw moment with a friend of a couple of years who I began to realize was trying to undermine me, did not have my best interests at heart.  So I cut her out of my life.  We had mutual friends and I learned she had cancer a year or so later. So I sent her a card.  Never heard.  She passed away.  I have some but not intense regrets because I'd helped her -including lending her small amounts of $ etc and she took advantage but also was simply not a thoughtful or loyal friend.  But yes when that happens - wow.

My husband had a similar scenario with a long term friendship.  I supported him cutting off the friendship because of what happened.  But during the pandemic the friend suddenly died -apparently not from covid - and, yes there were some regrets but not in the beating oneself up way.

In the OP's case it's the friend's husband who was so ill but it goes to show you -this stuff happens (and in our cases our friends were in their 30s and 50s.  Not elderly!

OP I cut out a friend who then reached out a year later - she was just -toxic -because she heard I had a baby and wanted to wish me well.  I was a new mom of a newborn so I responded politely without opening doors.  A few years later I heard she had a baby so I did the same as she'd done for me.  She responded as I had.  And there it is -but -I'm glad I did that.  After 20-30 year friendship I felt I should at least return the gesture.

I am of the belief that if after years have passed and the other person is genuinely interested in rebuilding the friendship, then it might be worth trying. I had childhood friend I broke away from because she always needed to be the center of attention and it was draining being around her. She did something that really hurt me and I stopped interacting with her for years.

She has since reached out and explained how much she missed me and that she was taking time to reflect and mature. We began talking again, but I had my guard up. It took some time to rebuild the trust, but our friendship is better now. While she can still be a bit overbearing, she has grown in consideration of my feelings and we have a better balance in our relationship now. Sometimes people really make mistakes and are willing to recognize it and work on changing.

If OP's friend is toxic and then there's no need to rekindle that one. And of course, OP's feelings of mistreatment need to be reconciled first and foremost.

It could be that the husband's passing has made her realize she also lost a good friend and she may be feeling guilty or regrets over how she treated you in the past. She probably wants to make amends and try to rekindle the friendship. 

It's up to you whether you want to give her another chance. If you do, take things slow and see how she behaves moving forward. But if you feel like you can't trust her or she treats you poorly, it's best to let the friendship go for good.

Life is short and if someone can't treat you with respect and value your friendship, it's not worth keeping them around.

I just want to say that you are the much bigger person here for 1) sending her flowers and 2) giving her another chance by meeting for lunch. I can't imagine you not feeling resentful to some degree if that happened to me.

Regardless, do what you feel is best for you and your mental well-being. If you don't want to be her friend anymore that's perfectly fine. You don't owe her anything just because she is lonely. The big question is - how has she changed, in your opinion? What have you seen that tells you she would make a good friend? Do you feel any real connection with her now, or do you think it's all guilt or loneliness on her part?

You don't have to forgive or forget - at most, wish a private prayer for her and move on - with no contact unless necessary. Forgiveness is for yourself, as many wise folk have said - time and time again.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Sometimes people really make mistakes and are willing to recognize it and work on changing.

Think that's the key to being able to get through the problems that come up between people. Is the guilty party willing to recognize what they did and acknowledge how the other person felt? Are they willing to try and make amends? 

If they can't do that, then it demonstrates that they don't understand you and your feelings. They aren't healthy people to be around. So don't feel bad about not continuing a friendship. You can wish things would have turned out differently, but for your own mental well being, it's better to not be around them.

But if they are truly sorry, then let it go. Focus on the good things in the relationship. They may still make mistakes and other problems will come up. But, in my mind, the most important thing is that people make the effort, that they try.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I just want to say that you are the much bigger person here for 1) sending her flowers and 2) giving her another chance by meeting for lunch. I can't imagine you not feeling resentful to some degree if that happened to me.

Regardless, do what you feel is best for you and your mental well-being

Seconded.

Reinventmyself, you've shown yourself to be a considerate person and willing to give her many chances. Whatever you decide to do, know you've handled it well and have nothing to feel bad about. Do what you feel is best for you.

[reinventmyself]

Reading everyone's shared experiences caused a previous experience to bubble up.

There are a lot of details but for the sake of space I'll keep it short:     

Highschool. C and I were best friends and inseparable. We dated two boys that were best friends.  The 4 of us did practically everything together. Fast fwd, 2 years, now seniors in high school, C and her boyfriend were on again, off again.  Simultaneously, my bf and I are outgrowing each other as well.  C and her bf were the first to breakup. A few months later my bf and I breakup.  Bf hurt, angry and wanting to lash out thought it a good idea to give me the love letters my best friend C had been secretly writing him most recently.  I was so confused and stunned. 

Our friend group which consisted of 5 girls all knew what was going on long before I did.  Naive me couldn't wrap my head around this bomb that was detonated into our friend group.  The boys who were friends since kindergarten never spoke to each other after that day. C quickly apologized to me on the spot.  In that moment I merely rolled over and told her it was ok seeing that my bf and I were breaking up anyway.  I told her friendship was way more important than anything that had transpired. 

Months prior to all of this C's mother had died of cancer.  During her mom's cancer battle her father already taken up with a new gf who happened to be a family friend.  After moms passing her youngest brother went to live with older sis.  C was in the middle of 4 kids total and was pretty much left to her own in the empty family home.  My parents in some small ways took her in while trying not to overstep this delicate situation.  She spent a lot of time in our home, vacations etc.

The friend group was never the same.  I ultimately felt foolish and embarrassed that everyone knew but me.  The signs were there but I missed them all.   I honestly just wanted to hide.

As a senior in high school, I worked some nights and weekends at my new job.  At the same time, I was making new friends at work. 

For whatever reason C began some sort of campaign to turn our childhood friends against me.  My absence made it easy.  I did hang out with this group as I always did at school and other times. They all happen to live in my neighborhood.  The snarky-ness, iciness, the side comments and eye rolls were just enough to cause me to fade away from my childhood friends.

It took years to come to conclusion that C clearly didn't have any respect for me.  Maybe if I had told her to go to hell that day she might have.  Either way the outcome would have been the same.  I feel rolling over made me out to be some sort of selfless doormat.

I did run into her decades later at a mutual friend's surprise party.  She sat next to me and gave me a sincere apology and shared with me how ashamed she was of her actions and how many people she hurt. I appreciated it.  Due to her mom's passing and her family falling apart she found herself looking for attention in all the wrong places. It all made sense, but it still hurt nonetheless. She thanked me and my family for the support she received during a very difficult time.  I spoke to her a couple times on the phone after that. But that was about it.  I haven't spoken to her in decades.

The parallels are there.  I guess that what trips me up.  I'm trying to navigate old hurts.  The lessons are there for reason.  At the same time, I flip flop between what can I overlook and what doesn't make me feel like that 17 yr old doormat. 

I can't help but think if I treated someone poorly and they came back for more, I might not respect them either. Even if it's at some unconscious level.  I would however respect someone if they didn't want anything to do with me because of it.  We tend to lose respect for those who don't respect themselves first.

While sharing my current experience here I can see the message gets lost for some.  Seeing I was the one experiencing it I can absolutely assure you that my work friends actions were blatantly hurtful and not just some misunderstanding or nature's way of running its course. I do know the difference. I was there and these details are best way I can (or will) convey my experience in print.  

Having said all of this, I have a date with my work friend on Wednesday.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/28/2024 at 2:10 PM, reinventmyself said:

This may be one of those things I continue to not have any expectations, yet keep a door cracked open, follow my gut and see where this goes. (we no longer work together).

@reinventmyself, I think this^ is the best course of action.

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

I have a date with my work friend on Wednesday.

Enjoy!! 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Having said all of this, we have date on Wednesday.

Dont forget to bring on the flowers(Sorry, when you say "date" here its a romantic one 😆)

I am guessing the date is with the woman from the first post and not C? Because C is horrible. And you shouldnt have dignified her with any talk at all after what she did. Your family helped her in tough times and she still treated you as she did. But then again, I inherited my late mothers "Once I am finished with you, you are dead to me" policy. 

Anyway, observe closely what she is saying. And whether she cares to ask you about you and how are you doing. Or she would be centered on herself. You need to sort of "read people" like that. And what do they want from you. In this case whether she wants you in her life or you are just "convenient" because you helped her when she had tough times and now she wants somebody "for a shoulder to cry" every now and then.

[yogacat]

C sounds like an absolute train-wreck, I am quite certain you dodged a bullet there.  It just makes me so sad to read about how these damaging women just crawled all over the various parts of your life and managed to do damage to so many personal connections you made under more positive conditions.

You were so much more focused on the brighter side of things and living for the moment. I would never take a friend back that secretly wrote love letters suggesting behind my back to steal my best-guy. That's a NO!  

I mean, in what dreamland have they been in to think that was an ok step? Good thing you got out of that. High-school-centered friend groups are especially destructive and I am just glad you managed to break free.

Albeit, I am still associated with most of my high school friends, but none that went after my boyfriend. Yes young and dumb and all that but the disrespect as a "best friend" smh.

If that happened years ago and none of those friendship group members have reached out to reconnect, that would be a good indicator as a direct consequence of you leaving that unhealthy clique and opening up to a newer perspective on life. 

[reinventmyself]

20 minutes ago, yogacat said:

If that happened years ago and none of those friendship group members have reached out to reconnect, that would be a good indicator as a direct consequence of you leaving that unhealthy clique and opening up to a newer perspective on life. 

It was probably a combination of the timing, graduating, entering adulthood, that and the drama that unfolded the friend group all went different ways.  I do keep in touch with one person from the group. 

Though we didn't spend the same amount of time together that C and I did at that time, I had known her the longest and felt even in our absences she would always be a loyal friend.  She is somewhat 'Switzerland' and remained neutral.  Though I was initially upset with her that she knew what was going on before I did and didn't think to clue me in.  Ultimately, I know her to be so kindhearted she wouldn't really take any one's side.  We stay in touch even today.  

The friend group I have now is the benefit from one of my coworkers I met when I was 21.  There is a large group of these women who have remained friends since grade school.  I am often envious of their history and undying loyalty they have for each other.   It's my own little voice in my head that wonders if they are curious as to why I don't associate with any childhood friends.  That's my own insecurity because honestly, they don't care.  (in good way)

[Batya33]

Echoing what others wrote -liked especially how Yogacat put it- about C.  How awful.  Reminds me of a dear friend from high school (ironically we're trying to plan a catch up phone call -been a couple years!) - who met the love of her life in college and they broke up because he wanted instead to be with her best friend.  She felt so horribly betrayed!!

Relatedly one thing that stung me was the number of my old friends from high school and college who for their 50th got group of old friends together to do a girls weekend -destination weekend.  I do have friends from then but honestly I don't think they'd all show up for me in that particular way at our age (we're all in our late 50s now). 

And the popular girls from my childhood who I am on FB with who reminisce about memories and post photos -without me because I wasn't part of the inner circle -more on the fringes.  I know you get it.  It hurts.  

I hope your lunch goes well.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

It was probably a combination of the timing, graduating, entering adulthood, that and the drama that unfolded the friend group all went different ways.  I do keep in touch with one person from the group. 

Though we didn't spend the same amount of time together that C and I did at that time, I had known her the longest and felt even in our absences she would always be a loyal friend.  She is somewhat 'Switzerland' and remained neutral.  Though I was initially upset with her that she knew what was going on before I did and didn't think to clue me in.  Ultimately, I know her to be so kindhearted she wouldn't really take any one's side.  We stay in touch even today.  

The friend group I have now is the benefit from one of my coworkers I met when I was 21.  There is a large group of these women who have remained friends since grade school.  I am often envious of their history and undying loyalty they have for each other.   It's my own little voice in my head that wonders if they are curious as to why I don't associate with any childhood friends.  That's my own insecurity because honestly, they don't care.  (in good way)

Maybe it's akin to grass isn't always greener. Most of my friends are from grade school, high school and a couple in my early twenties or through other friends but I find it harder to connect with newer people. I can talk with most people but my social circle is people I'm already quite comfortable with. Ironic, perhaps?

I'm glad that you were able to start a new chapter in your life and embrace a healthier perspective!

Sometimes, dramatic events like those help us grow and realize our own worth and the type of people we want in our lives.

Let us know how it goes with your former work friend, and don't feel obligated to let her back into your life if you don't feel comfortable. I'm all for forgiveness and giving second chances, but it's also important to protect ourselves and surround ourselves with positive, supportive people.

If this friendship is meant to be, then things will naturally progress in a healthy way. No need to force it or put yourself in a potentially uncomfortable or negative situation. Just be true to yourself and trust your intuition.

🙂

[reinventmyself]

39 minutes ago, yogacat said:

If this friendship is meant to be, then things will naturally progress in a healthy way. No need to force it or put yourself in a potentially uncomfortable or negative situation. Just be true to yourself and trust your intuition.

🙂

Thank you for your kind words.  I am just trying to live in the moment here.  Not sure if I am doing the right thing but time will give me an answer.  Either way. . I have nothing to lose . .