work friend

[reinventmyself]

Not sure what I am asking here. . just need to put this in print and see where it goes.

I had a work friend at my job of almost 2 decades.  We ate lunch together almost every day.  We did things outside of work as well.  Concerts, fair, hookie shopping days. I really appreciated this friendship and we were there for each other through fun and difficult times.  

Her husband had terminal cancer and he fought a grueling battle for almost 10 years.  Halfway through treatment she was granted the privilege to work out of a satellite office closer to her home so she could be available for all his doctor appointments.  As operations supervisor I worked primarily out of the corporate but visited this same satellite office once a week. I was originally sent there on a routine basis to keep order, at least hoping my presence would keep order for an office of 30 who had no managers onsite.  They were difficult and at best- pretty toxic.   Though this was never shared with the staff they resented my presence.  Oddly enough the shenanigans died down during my time there.

I wasn't very popular in this office.  But they weren't paying my paycheck and if you want to take advantage of me you weren't my friend to begin with.  There was what I refer to as a small *mob of women* that were the negative trouble makers.  My friend developed close friendships with them and distanced herself from me.  I couldn't understand it.  I thought our friendship was stronger than that.  We are not in high school and I hope she realized she never had to choose.  At least that's the way I looked at it. 

It did hurt.  Even more awkward that I am there in the middle of it all once a week.  I pretty much just hid and kept to myself.

Fast fwd, 4 years later I hear from a someone that her husband passed away.  He was such a lovely man and they had been married and madly in love for 43 years. I just knew how devasted she must be.  I gave it some thought and sent her flowers.  I felt it was the right thing to do and I didn't expect anything in return.

Since then, she has initiated contact several times through text in past couple of months.  She even text me on my birthday.  All her texts are sprinkled with hearts and telling me how much she missed me and how lost and lonely she is.

After her initiating contact about 4-5 times I took the leap and asked if she would like to meet for lunch.  There is so much I wanted to ask her, but very much like I imagined she's very fragile right now.  It's pretty heartbreaking.  We spent hours talking but never went near to subject of our friendship.   I hesitate to bring it up because I also know her to be pretty defensive and spicy by nature.  Add in everything she is going through; the timing wasn't right.  I walked away from that lunch happy that I made the effort, but I still have no expectations.  She continues to text me very warm messages how much she missed our friendship etc.

I am not losing sleep over this and I don't have some master plan but I can't help but wonder why she values my friendship so much right now.  I was hurt over what transpired and as much as hate to see her lonely and grieving I am cautious about letting my guard down.  If I allow myself, I do feel a little resentful.  It wasn't too long ago she willing to lose my friendship.

This may be one of those things I continue to not have any expectations, yet keep a door cracked open, follow my gut and see where this goes. (we no longer work together)

[ShySoul]

Based on what you've said, I don't think she ever meant to hurt you or damage your friendship. Sometimes, friends grow apart because of the course of life. Put yourself in her shoes. Her husband was battling cancer. These women are there with her everyday. They were the ones providing the daily support for her. They were the ones giving her distractions from the stress and pain she was feeling. It's natural that she grow close to them. 

If they had a problem with you, then it puts her in the middle. The easiest course is to take the path of least resistance. She tried not to cause waves or upset anyone. I'm guessng she didn't directly do to or say anything about you? More that she kept her distance? That way she doesn't have to deal with anything from these women when she sees them everyday.

There is also just the fact that she is caring for a sick husband. Most of her time was probably being devoted to him. Depending on how far apart you were, being in contact more might have not been as easy for her to manage. 

When you reached out, you reminded her of the friendship you had and how close you were. She misses it. She must also be lonely after losing her husband. Having a friend that cares for you and someone who can make her smile and laugh must make her feel better. With you she can be happy instead of thinking about her loss.

If you really think you need to bring up what happened, do so when you are ready. But I wouldn't. I would just let the friendship build as it naturally does. Rather then dwell on the past, enjoy the present. She doesn't seem to harbor any feelings against you. She still likes you and wants to be friends. Why not just pick up from the old days and be friends?

[Kwothe28]

44 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I am not losing sleep over this and I don't have some master plan but I can't help but wonder why she values my friendship so much right now. 

Some people are very "one sided" regarding everything, including friendships. Meaning that as long as you "kiss their hand" they are good with you. But when you were a "managerial villain" at her office, she sided with her group of office friends over you. But now when you sent nice flowers, you are good again. See how it goes regarding her treatment of you?

I have a best friend from college. We heard each other almost every day, hang while in college, even visited outside of college when we were in our home towns(she lives very close to me). I helped her regarding everything with no rewards asked, even stuff like doing her master thesis. You know what I got after all that? I wasnt even invited to her own wedding. Even though some other friends did. Few years ago she wanted to reconnect so I foolishly went to her town and spent few hours there. Finally met her husband after all those years lol. Anyway after that crickets. Up until few days ago when she shot me a message because I put on FB how they renovate school that I work so she wanted to know whether I do work there or not(she is one of those that would like to know everything). After years not even saying "Hi". 

What I am trying to say is, people who are willing to throw you out of their life just like that, arent your friends. They are acquaintances at best. Dont get dragged along again and waste your time with her. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

I can't help but wonder why she values my friendship so much right now.  I was hurt over what transpired and as much as hate to see her lonely and grieving I am cautious about letting my guard down.  If I allow myself, I do feel a little resentful.  It wasn't too long ago she willing to lose my friendship.

Good to hear from you, R, and I'm glad you extended the olive branch and had a good outcome with lunch.

If you can think of yourself as the beneficent prison warden with friend being one of the inmates, you can understand the hardships she would face by letting her fondness for you be known to the rest of the population.

Sometimes our dependency on a job can feel like we are at the mercy of a dictatorship, especially during the most stressful times in our lives when we feel beaten down and aren't up for a fight of finding better job somewhere else.

Friend was between a rock and a hard place. She was thrown into a prison yard with a bunch of bullies, and she behaved in ways that catered to them in order to get along during all of the weeks and days that you were NOT there to protect her. You, yourself, described this group as one of the most aggressive you've ever witnessed. So what do you believe her life would have looked like had she taken a stand against them in your favor only to need to work for the rest of her days surrounded by this nasty gang?

Head high. Your best intentions were obviously appreciated by her, and she likely feels ashamed of her inability to demonstrate this in front of her daily abusers.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Take the high road

 

[Batya33]

I tend to agree with Catfeeder's analysis and as she often says -and as is apt here - my heart goes out to you.  I am right now delicately navigating a somewhat similar situation except - we rarely work together on projects and if we did technically she'd be supervising my work but truly a technicality.  She is going through a very hard personal situation too - akin to the level of stress (I mean obviously I cannot imagine but I'm doing a broad brush comparison) of your friend. If thrown into the mix was that sort of work situation you described -I'm just not sure how all would shake out. 

I'm very compartmentalized with her -we were friends for years before we were coworkers and I'd suggested years ago she apply -and she did and I'm glad! But I put up a very impenetrable wall when it comes to anything at work that might be stressful -meaning relationships with coworkers - so that that is a topic that is off limits. 

Seems to be same for her.  And when we've danced around it a bit -it's very very superficial and nothing I'd be concerned about.  All of this is to say -I too have had very close work friends and sustained them after -and it adds such a layer of complexity and then -with your friend's situation and the loss of her husband - wow.  

In another context I'd be wondering if I was being used, why come back to me now etc - and in this situation I'd take the risk of resuming the friendship especially since you don't work together anymore -also over the years from your posts -I think your gut is in quite good shape and your bullcrap radar is in good shape and it's fine if you want to keep an emotional distance to an extent until things get more consistent and you feel more trust in this.  

I'm sorry you had to deal with those office high school drama and politics.

[reinventmyself]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Ba

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

In another context I'd be wondering if I was being used, why come back to me now etc - 

 

Why not just pick up from the old days and be friends?

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses!  It is exactly what I needed.   . . .And this is where I am at^^

Younger me, being a people pleaser might have rolled over easily for this situation.  I am a bit more selective who I invite into my inner world today and someone who could easily throw me away isn't one of them.  I spent years in therapy and thereafter fine tuning my boundaries, but this could easily be a perfect example of me building my walls too high and not being flexible.  I'd like to think this is one of those moments when flexibility is called for.

At this point it remains to been seen.  I am grateful that I can sometimes push myself to be gracious when I feel the need to.  I'd like to think I have the strength at this point in my life I can extend myself and recognize it costs me nothing in return.

 

 

[LootieTootie]

6 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I hesitate to bring it up because I also know her to be pretty defensive and spicy by nature....

I had a similar experience with a former coworker who was also a friend. We hung out outside of work, I listened to him, I supported him and only gave him advice when he asked. He came to me when he had a problem at home or at work and I thought he saw me not just as a colleague, a friend, a confidant but also as an ally. We also shared a lot of nerdy interests so it just made sense that we click.

Well, we had a falling out because I did straight up asked him "hey what happened here?"

My advice, from my experience, let it go. Don't ask. 

If a friend already given you any type of behavior that made you question their loyalty, at least you know their loyalty will waver -depending on their own self-interest. 

I learned that most people will do or say whatever to save their own skin, and a good friend with integrity and unwavering love and loyalty is hard to find. Those are 1 in a million. I envy people who have a friend like that.

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I had a similar experience with a former coworker who was also a friend. We hung out outside of work, I listened to him, I supported him and only gave him advice when he asked. He came to me when he had a problem at home or at work and I thought he saw me not just as a colleague, a friend, a confidant but also as an ally. We also shared a lot of nerdy interests so it just made sense that we click.

Well, we had a falling out because I did straight up asked him "hey what happened here?"

My advice, from my experience, let it go. Don't ask. 

If a friend already given you any type of behavior that made you question their loyalty, at least you know their loyalty will waver -depending on their own self-interest. 

I learned that most people will do or say whatever to save their own skin, and a good friend with integrity and unwavering love and loyalty is hard to find. Those are 1 in a million. I envy people who have a friend like that.

 

So you mean you asked him this after he distanced himself? I - am not sure I'd have been brave enough to ask what happened.  That takes courage IMO and I'm really sorry it worked out that way. I was iced out by a really close friend in grad school- and I realize now -she was a person who wanted me to agree with all her debbie downer stuff about herself -but - she was setting things up so she could later accuse me of "competing" with her.  Which I wasn't not even a teensy weensy bit.  She wanted me to "agree" in one way but not in another.  I begged her to talk to me (this is pre-cell pre internet) and she sent me this long scathing letter bizarro world/twilight zone accusing me of things I never dreamed were even on her mind.  I own up fast and in this situation -nope -because it was -bizarre/disordered thinking.  I missed her a lot and also felt hurt and betrayed.  Maybe you're right -realizing she was somewhat depressed or actually -maybe I should have left it alone.  It just hurt to be iced out (these days "ghosted?)

OP I defer to you on whatever you think is best to take care of you.  Especially at this stage of life (mine also!) where you say you're even more selective about who you are close with - sounds good to me FWIW!

[DarkCh0c0]

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Based on what you've said, I don't think she ever meant to hurt you or damage your friendship. Sometimes, friends grow apart because of the course of life. Put yourself in her shoes. Her husband was battling cancer. These women are there with her everyday. They were the ones providing the daily support for her. They were the ones giving her distractions from the stress and pain she was feeling. It's natural that she grow close to them. 

If they had a problem with you, then it puts her in the middle. The easiest course is to take the path of least resistance. She tried not to cause waves or upset anyone. I'm guessng she didn't directly do to or say anything about you? More that she kept her distance? That way she doesn't have to deal with anything from these women when she sees them everyday.

There is also just the fact that she is caring for a sick husband. Most of her time was probably being devoted to him. Depending on how far apart you were, being in contact more might have not been as easy for her to manage. 

When you reached out, you reminded her of the friendship you had and how close you were. She misses it. She must also be lonely after losing her husband. Having a friend that cares for you and someone who can make her smile and laugh must make her feel better. With you she can be happy instead of thinking about her loss.

If you really think you need to bring up what happened, do so when you are ready. But I wouldn't. I would just let the friendship build as it naturally does. Rather then dwell on the past, enjoy the present. She doesn't seem to harbor any feelings against you. She still likes you and wants to be friends. Why not just pick up from the old days and be friends?

I agree. That's my thought on this too.

And I second: "Why not just pick up from the old days and be friends?"

Sure, you can be guarded. But maybe as you will learn more about her life in the last few years your perspective will change. Next time you meet her,  you can also say something along the line of "gosh, I don't know how we lost touch with each other. I am so happy to be so close to you again" and see how she responds. Her response might be truly an innocent answer and it'll help cheer you up. It's ok to be vulnerable with her. Ofc, pick an ok time to do it.

Finally, sometimes friends come and go. It's the circle of life.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Next time you meet her,  you can also say something along the line of "gosh, I don't know how we lost touch with each other. I am so happy to be so close to you again" and see how she responds.

I can only speak for myself, and given the valid degree of hurt here, I don't think I'd want to parade right over my  own feelings and pretend that they don't exist just to assume a false closeness that I'm not even sure I'd want with this woman again.

I can understand not raising anything dicey during the meet for lunch, which was about expressing sympathy for the woman's loss. But if she reaches out again, which is unlikely given that she probably feels guilty for her disloyalty, I might agree to a second lunch or dinner to learn whether she wants to raise the elephant in the room herself.

If she didn't contact me again, I'd need to sit with this and decide whether it's worth it to me to reach out to her in order for me to set up a time to broach the subject with her. If I decided to do that, it most certainly wouldn't be about assuming we're close again. Instead, it would be to honor my own feelings about having been avoided--essentially discarded, and to frankly and honestly voice those feelings to open a real discussion.

[reinventmyself]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

 

If she didn't contact me again, I'd need to sit with this and decide whether it's worth it to me to reach out to her in order for me to set up a time to broach the subject with her. If I decided to do that, it most certainly wouldn't be about assuming we're close again. Instead, it would be to honor my own feelings about having been avoided--essentially discarded, and to frankly and honestly voice those feelings to open a real discussion.

Thank you Cat.

My bf was in my ear siding on having nothing to do with her given the circumstances and if I did choose to move fwd I shouldn't do so without some sort of resolution first.   I am pretty sure it was his protectiveness kicking in here and as much as I appreciate his advice, I am pretty good on choosing a path that suits me.

I told him that I believe one needs to have some sort of foundation to work with.  I didn't feel comfortable hitting her up with hard questions given we basically haven't spoken in about 6 yrs. Not to mention her husband just passed away.  I was open to an opportunity to discuss it over that lunch, but I needed some sort of sign.  That sign didn't present itself that day and I am ok with that..  If the time ever comes it will be after we have a chance to reconnect and feel safe enough to have those difficult discussions.   This is all new and I'd like to say we could pick up where we left off and never discuss it.  Trust me, I don't relish difficult conversations.   I feel a little stuck right now wanting to move fwd and not really trusting her at the same time.  Time will tell.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I can only speak for myself, and given the valid degree of hurt here, I don't think I'd want to parade right over my  own feelings and pretend that they don't exist just to assume a false closeness that I'm not even sure I'd want with this woman again.

I can understand not raising anything dicey during the meet for lunch, which was about expressing sympathy for the woman's loss. But if she reaches out again, which is unlikely given that she probably feels guilty for her disloyalty, I might agree to a second lunch or dinner to learn whether she wants to raise the elephant in the room herself.

If she didn't contact me again, I'd need to sit with this and decide whether it's worth it to me to reach out to her in order for me to set up a time to broach the subject with her. If I decided to do that, it most certainly wouldn't be about assuming we're close again. Instead, it would be to honor my own feelings about having been avoided--essentially discarded, and to frankly and honestly voice those feelings to open a real discussion.

That's an even better to do it. Yep.

[catfeeder]

22 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

That's an even better to do it. Yep.

Thank you, DC. It needn't be confrontational or even remotely accusatory, because it would be about my own feelings of how much I missed our early days of friendship and camaraderie. I'd say that I'm trying to understand why we lost that. Even while I could appreciate friend feeling a need to build bonds with her coworkers who disliked me, why not phone me and offer an explanation about that, and why not still keep in touch outside of work?

R, if friend is worth her salt, she'll understand your desire to work through this stuff. If not, then whatever defenses or deflections she offers will tell you all you really need to know. You don't have to press further, you can change the subject to less charged subjects until you both finish your meals, and then you'll have your answers. But if friend cops to having been cowardly and expresses regrets, you might be able to consider a whole different set of answers.

So the question to sit with and deliberate is, do you want to know? (There is no wrong answer.)

My heart goes out to you, dear R. This is tender stuff.

[LootieTootie]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So you mean you asked him this after he distanced himself?

Yes. When I left my old job, some of my colleagues were not happy and he chose to be one of them, probably because he was still there and he was always the type to compare himself to everyone. There was some jealousy when I left for a promotion. & people didnt want to take on more work/responsibilities  and most of the people were just plain lazy. The work environment was a "hater culture" - it was toxic. I believed I posted on here once about the work environment and was trying to see if I just needed another perspective because I was trying to remain positive and professional. (side note: if anyone is ever UNHAPPY at their job, just look for another job and leave as fast as you can. Life is too short)

It's a lot to write down so I'm just going to fast forward to when I asked him. Because yes, I would like to know if I had said or did anything (even tho I knew I hadn't), and he sorta acted like your college friend.  He denied ever distancing himself and then I asked well you never reached out after I left and was just wondering why or maybe if I had said something. He turned it into "oh you think you are better that I should be reaching out to you?" Then it turned into some rambling about me probably being a taskmaster as a manager - I mean, you don't even know me as a manager ? So obvious this guy got some deep-seated unjustly feelings about me being in a higher salary paying job. And what he gave me, is exactly the same kinda vibes the old work environment was, "hater culture." 

 

 

[reinventmyself]

On 7/28/2024 at 2:51 PM, ShySoul said:

She tried not to cause waves or upset anyone. I'm guessng she didn't directly do to or say anything about you? More that she kept her distance? That way she doesn't have to deal with anything from these women when she sees them everyday.

It was a subtle shift and at first I kept writing it off to coincidence.  At some point there were just too many coincidences to call it a misunderstanding.

I was in the office every Friday and one Wed a month. (5days) Every single time we crossed paths she asked 'what are you doing here!?'  I responded, I work here every Friday and for the large meeting that happens one Wed every month.  After a few months of this it just got ridiculous.  Is this a joke?, I'm thinking. 

She ate lunch with the ladies every day.  I can totally understand, yet I had asked a couple times to have lunch with her (one time) (in the future) Maybe too ambiguous.  I get it. 

I had carpooled with a coworker that had retired. I still stay in touch with him.  I shared with her that I had spoken to J and he'd like to meet us for lunch some Friday.  The next week the mob and my friend left the office so they all could meet J for lunch.  I sat at the reception desk while they left, at the same time my friend pretending I am somehow invisible.

The receptionist in this office reported to me and I would often cover her desk for lunch or times she was taking the day off.  If I sat at the reception desk my friend would come into work and walk right past me without a single word.  Every,single,time.  Yet if the receptionist was there or anyone else covering the desk they were a greeted with a chipper 'good morning'  Me - still invisible after 2 years.  Other times I happen to be sitting in a hotelling office directly across from reception witnessing this coincidence over and over.  Funny enough if an employee dropping in for the day was in the same hotelling office, she would greet them too.

I would come to her office and we were always interrupted by a phone call.  I totally understood the nature of her work and in the corporate office, if we were interrupted, which pretty much happened every time,  she circled by my office without fail to finish our conversation.  Again, the few things I just mentioned seemed coincidental until it didn't any longer.  The last two times I made an effort to connect with her, one of the 4 mob ladies would interrupt us.  One time midsentence she looked at her phone and received a text to take a break with one and excused herself hurrying past me. 

At some point during all of this I was in this office half day, every day for 5 weeks.  My mother was on hospice and this office was close to home for me as well.  She asked about my mother once only by texting me from the other side of office suites, but never acknowledged her passing.  I'd like to think I was there for her when she took care of both of her parents final years and subsequently said goodbye.  Not to mention her husbands devastating illness that she originally didn't want anyone to know about.

At some point I just gave up.  I stopped making an effort to see if she would meet me halfway.  It never happened.

Elch.  I felt awful.  I hope I was a good friend to her.  I'd like to think I was.  It seemed so childish.  It didn't help that I was grieving something awful having lost my mom. But I still went to that office routinely.  I hid in that tiny hotelling office and felt really small.

One time I was at the reception desk covering for lunch and she came up behind me just as I stood up.  Aggressively 'what is your problem!?'  she barks.  I was taken back by the surprise confrontational tone and froze.  If had any second thoughts about my reaction, I saw the face of a coworker who had entered the space behind her at the same time and heard her question.  This person's eyes got really large.  She did a 180 and bolted from the room.  I wasn't going to engage her like this.   I just excused myself and walked past her.

I've seen this friend when someone is on her bad side.  As I mentioned previously, she is a little defensive and pretty fiery.    I practiced what I wanted to say to her for months.  In the end I didn't think it would go well for a lot of different reasons.  Besides, 'why don't you want to be my friend?' . or any better version of this felt a little pathetic on my part.  I had enough to go on and just continued to distance myself.

[ShySoul]

Sadly, people tend to be very malleable. It is so easy to go along with he crowd and allow others to dictate your acts or change what you think until you find yourself acting like an entirely different person. Even when we do think we know someone, they can surprise as with what they are capable of.

I'm sorry she did all of that. Even factoring in what she was going through, that still sounds like she crossed several lines and was terrible to you. You have every right to be upset and cautious. You don't owe her anything and would be well within your rights to not communicate with her. That you did reach out and are trying to stay in connect show the kind of caring person you are.

Just my opinion, but I think people deserve second chances. Just as she changed on you before, its possible she could change back. Maybe she learned her lesson and realized she doesn't want to be that person anymore. Maybe she does feel bad about how she treated you, but doesn't know what to say thinking you would still be mad at her. So I would do as you are doing, giving it a chance but not taking things for granted.

See how she acts. Her nature will show itself. If she is still the person who did that to you, you will sense it from how she acts to you or others. If things seem ok, find that moment to bring it up and just be honest. You should get that closure one way or the other.

I hope you can find a way to rekindle the friendship. But its also okay if there is too much history for you to look past. Find whatever way will bring you the most peace of mind.

 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Besides, 'why don't you want to be my friend?' . or any better version of this felt a little pathetic on my part.  I had enough to go on and just continued to distance myself.

With all of this I would do the same.  By contrast -my friend now coworker - we text about once a week or so non-work related -we're friends. I texted her mid June (around Father's Day).  No response and she is going through a lot with her family plus three kids under 13! I texted again but it was probably a week later and there was a reason for it -so not exactly double texting.  No response.  Saw her on zoom at our weekly staff meetings in between.  This past Friday during the meeting she texts me with apologies for being MIA.  I decided to be up front and said "I was a little worried" (and implied worried I'd somehow offended her) -she immediately responds "you know I was worried you might think that and I want you to know I'm pretty good at being honest if that is the case and it's not". 

I found this so -refreshing!  I am not upset with her for going MIA for that period of time particularly since my text didn't require a response and had nothing to do with my needing support or having a question.  To me this is like the gold standard -she apologized plus acknowledged that she might have worried me (we've never had a falling out of any kind nor does she think I in particular would be worried).

I guess also -I do what you are doing OP - sometimes I focus too much on the bad apples - and then I have to remind myself of the friends who are genuine and loyal.  Gems.  

[tattoobunnie]

If my husband was fighting a deadly cancer for a decade, it does not leave as much room as you think.

If you really are a friend, then just be one. True friends aren't always ever coffee friends, that you see everyday.  They are the friend that no matter how much time has passed, you can pick up right where you left off.

No one owes you anything.  My dad always says, "you are lucky in life if you have one true friend."

[reinventmyself]

36 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

If my husband was fighting a deadly cancer for a decade, it does not leave as much room as you think.

If you really are a friend, then just be one. True friends aren't always ever coffee friends, that you see everyday.  They are the friend that no matter how much time has passed, you can pick up right where you left off.

No one owes you anything.  My dad always says, "you are lucky in life if you have one true friend."

Your response suggests you didn't read the entire thread.  

I am no stranger to devastating loses.  It never gave me permission to play mean girl games,

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

23 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Your response suggests you didn't read the entire thread.  

I am no stranger to devastating loses.  It never gave me permission to play mean girl games,

What part is mean?  Or are you referring to your staff being mean to you?  You do realize all bosses are looked at like the man.  It doesn't matter how much fun or good times you've had or how nice you were.  At the end of the day, people need to eat.

[catfeeder]

42 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

What part is mean?  Or are you referring to your staff being mean to you?  You do realize all bosses are looked at like the man.  It doesn't matter how much fun or good times you've had or how nice you were.  At the end of the day, people need to eat.

Yes, I thought of this, too. But on further reading I learned that friend didn't just distance herself on the job. She pulled away in her personal life, too. No contact in 6 years.

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, I thought of this, too. But on further reading I learned that friend didn't just distance herself on the job. She pulled away in her personal life, too. No contact in 6 years.

I am not trying to be mean or cruel to the OP.  Sometimes you may not speak to a friend for years for a myriad of reasons.  True friends can pick up where they left off, even if you left on not the best note.

And...I am also stating that a coworker that is not your peer...would they have been your friend if you weren't working together?  There really is no such thing employees being your friend.  Because push comes to shove, they've got bills to pay.

[catfeeder]

23 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I am not trying to be mean or cruel to the OP. 

I understand. The ‘mean girls’ were the aggressive group who this friend chose to align with in favor of alienating OP.

[tattoobunnie]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I understand. The ‘mean girls’ were the aggressive group who this friend chose to align with in favor of alienating OP.

Even if she befriended a new group, her friend may have also just been going through the motions of dealing with a sick spouse, which can include not reaching out, as the OP is no longer the priority.

Truth be told, my brother is fighting cancer, and it's not happening to me, and he's my bro, not his spouse, and I am stressed to the max, as I have been covering a chunk of his work since the Fall as well as he is my partner.  And, I can't tell anyone that because I need to be functional and keep my sh*t together, where he cannot.  And it's not happening to me, so I feel guilty for even feeling stressed, because I'm not the one battling cancer.

This woman literally has had to take care of her hubs for 10 years, and be the breadwinner and the caregiver.

Cancer is a beast.

I honestly think this has way more to do with her missing her friend, and just assumed her employees took her away.