I give up too early when interested in someone

[survivor2021]

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Never mind, she won't like me.. never mind, she must have a boyfriend.. never mind, I am not in the context of approaching her..

This is what always goes in my head when I'm interested in a woman. I am a 27 years old man who never got into a relationship. I barely had any dating experience and I think I might know the factors, but I don't know what should I do to improve my situation.

I know I'm not the most attractive man out there, nor the most handsome one, nor the tallest one.. but I do believe that I am a good and fairly attractive person. I look up after myself, how I look, how I dress.. I do good for a living, I have a good job, I live abroad, I have goals, I am ambitious. Part of me gets really annoyed about this 'cOnFiDeNcE iS kEy ! Be confident in yourself and you will find love'... but anyway

I might summarize my romantic experience in the few points: I had a girl that I thought she was interested in me in my freshman year in university and whole class thought we are dating.. until I found out she has a boyfriend she never mentioned and apparently was just using me to pair up on projects.. then after a few years, I went out with a girl on a date that I thought went good, where we both were having a conversation, asking questions, showing interest.. only for her to ghost me.. and don't worry I didn't come out too strong or anything, I left her a "it was nice to see you today, I had fun. Let's do it and meet again next week if you're free".. 

Other than this, just a bunch of texting back and fourth that leads to nothing.

• So I believe that the number one factor is my introverted self. I lack some confidence when it comes to social life as I'm the quite person usually at work or at class before, but I am working on it and I am aware of it. I think there is nothing wrong with that, as that's my nature but that will simply limit my contact with people. I actually do like socializing and meeting new people.. and I feel I am quite likable as I'm respectful, kind and courteous and I do have some sense of humor. 
• I am being too selective on the 'situation' of where I will approach or talk to this woman I am interested in.
  • For example, work environment is a no no. I work in a company in Germany and there are many attractive women in the office, but the culture there is different, as Germans are even more introverted, and I also I stick to friendly greetings or conversations but I believe any approach to make it romantic will backfire and make things awkward for both of us.. If we become friends outside of work, maybe I will do something about it, but not as long as our relationship is 'coworkers'. Maybe some people from the US for example, where women and men are more open, will tell me to just 'go for it' but nah, and especially not in Germany. I'd say the same even for my home country.. that's just in my nature, and my negative experience with the girl in my university freshman year, where I had to see her every day and almost ruined my academic year is an enforcing factor.
  • Lately I went with a friend on vacation to Spain and 3 other girls that I didn't know.. I found myself liking one of them.. but hey I just knew her and I am new to the group, I didn't want to do anything that might make her be on guard with me or feel uncomfortable and risk ruining the trip for her and the group and also me. So I let it go.
• When I master up the courage and just 'go for it' it's not a good result. I do know that this selectiveness won't get me anywhere and I have to try.. once we played volleyball for the first time with a group that I didn't know and I exchanged contacts with some of them.. one of them was a girl in my team.. I asked her if she will join the next game, which she said no.. then I asked her if she wants to join me and watch a fireworks show, and she declined.. another time, a girl that loves the same football team as me helped me in in booking a ticket, and made assisting the game so easy thanks to her sharing her account with me. So I wanted to thank her properly and meet her, become friends since I was looking to socialize and meet new friends and especially if we share interests like this.. again, no luck. 

So what am I supposed to do here ? Keep getting disappointed until somehow it works out ? I can't do that, because literally, I feel it's getting worse for me..

I feel like I'm widening my circle, but the opportunity is always out of reach.. I'm also stuck between 'Don't approach strangers, don't hit on women' mentality and dating culture in Germany and 'Go for it ! Worse can happen is that she says no' dating coaches mentality.. personally, I'd like to start as friends and if she shows a little interest, I will go for it. But none of my female friends showed interest.

Also I am scared that I am getting used to neglecting my feelings and my emotions because I am following too much 'logic'... I am getting used to having crushes and finding an excuse ( mostly for me, valid excuses ) and eventually forget about them.. logic got me a career, got me a good life, got me a nice job and good grades, but I don't think it will get me a life partner.

[Batya33]

I recommend being in environments where it's natural to mingle - I specifically recommend volunteering for a community or church theater backstage.  

Also to me it's ridiculous to suggest to anyone "if you build confidence you'll find love."  I never wanted to find "love" -I wanted to find a person who would be a good match for me for marriage and family which would include of course love and passion and chemistry.  I mean sure if you want to find "love" -you want to feel that feeling for someone else - that's cool and that's just part of a serious romantic relationship.

For sure you have to show others you are a reasonably confident person and you know your worth and you take care of yourself and want to give to others from a position of confidence not neediness or desperation.

I think finding a life partner is a combo of head and heart -for sure that it how it worked for me. I didn't become the right person to find the right person till my late 30s.  I also knew there were no guarantees of finding the right person.

I dated well over a hundred people, communicated with hundreds in a variety of contexts and it took me 24 years on and off dating (off when I was seriously involved) and for me it was worth it.  

I rarely started as friends and avoided meeting men or getting to know men who wanted "friends first" -I already had lots of friends and I didn't like the implications in that attitude and approach.  I agree with not approaching strangers.  

Those are my suggestions and I hope they are helpful. I'm sorry you have had disappointments.

[survivor2021]

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I recommend being in environments where it's natural to mingle

Well here I am joining mixed volleyball games, going on one day journey trips with a community of people from my home country living in the same city.. no luck.. I'm sorry but this is also one of the 'cliché' advices like 'building confidence'.. I won't say that I joined all kinds of communities or anything.. but I go to social events organized by this community and I go to play volleyball.. also I assist to work social events.. 

No luck.

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I think finding a life partner is a combo of head and heart

You're 100% right. But now I'm 100% head.. because my heart is slowly dying and getting dominated by my brain. I want to balance them out and I was hoping that having some success in dating will help me improve. I wish for example that I dated that one girl that ghosted me at least more, maybe a couple of coffees at least before she lets me know it won't work out or stick to being friends.. why did it have to be an instant ghosting ? Am I being delusional by thinking I have a shot and especially after handling the date well and thinking it went good ? 

Now I envy you because you had the opportunity to date a hundred of people.. I never got to that point. I went on one date and got ghosted, planned others and got canceled on a few hours before the date.. each and every time I get more discouraged and convince myself It just won't work like all the other times.

[ShySoul]

45 minutes ago, survivor2021 said:

  Quote

Never mind, she won't like me.. never mind, she must have a boyfriend.. never mind, I am not in the context of approaching her..

Those were my thoughts until I was about a month away from being 22. I allowed it to get me down and think that something was wrong with me. I felt like I needed to change and be different, more confident and like others. But it never worked because I wasn't like others. I was the shy, introverted person who stayed quiet and didn't socialize. I had no romantic experience and had begun to believe I never would.

Then I had a realization. It didn't matter.

A wonderful friend helped to me to see that what did matter was accepting and being okay with myself as I was. She focused on my strengths and encouraged me to do the same. I saw that love isn't something you make happen, it happens when it happens and the time is right. In the meantime, you just be happy with you doing what you love.

I don't think confidence brings you love. I think it starts with loving yourself to the point that you don't feel you need that relationship. Of course you'll still want it and would like it to happen. But you don't have that pressing need for it that causes so much doubt and confusion. You know you can lead a complete and happy life on your own. 

Within a couple of months of taking that philosophy, a female had approached me, become friends with me, and was telling me she liked me. In the next few months several women expressed interest. Things happened when I wasn't looking and didn't care about attracting anyone. I just wanted to live my life and would have been fine not having anyone. 

On your points:

1. Being introverted and quiet can be a strength. Respectful, kind and courteous is attractive. I have been told by women that those are the very things that drew them to me. You should want to be with someone who appreciates you for you, and if you are those things then that is good. No need to lack confidence or think this is holding you back. 

2. Don't think about the situation. Don't think about past situations. When you think you fill your mind with thoughts and questions, doubts, worries, and fears. Just be in the moment and go where the conversation and feelings take you. When it's right to say something, you will feel it. When I first got the nerve to say I liked someone, I felt like I had no choice in the matter, like I had to say it because I couldn't hold it in. I don't think it's the same as just going for it. I think it's following your instinct and what you feel compelled to do in the moment. If you aren't ready to say anything, then it's fine and just wasn't the right time. When it is the right time, trust you feelings.

3. The result is out of your control. A lot of it is timing and luck. It is not a reflection of you or sign that anything is wrong with you. I doubt you are doing anything rude or inappropriate, so there is nothing wrong on your side. It just isn't the right time and situations. Dont worry about it. Don't blame yourself for other people's actions. Odds will always be that there are going to be more people not interested then there are who is. Finding one where there is a mutual connection can be finding a needle in a haystack. But when it does happen (as it eventually does), it doesn't matter how many times it failed to work out.

[ShySoul]

53 minutes ago, survivor2021 said:

I won't say that I joined all kinds of communities or anything.. but I go to social events organized by this community and I go to play volleyball.. also I assist to work social events.. 

Don't go to places or do things with the intent to find a relationship. Do those things because you want to do those things. Do them because they make you happy. I volunteer because I like to help people. I walk because I like being in nature. That makes me happy. If I in turn meet people, that is a bonus. And if that turns into something more, it is extra special. But that's not the goal.

When you are happy with yourself, that shows. And that natural shine is what is attractive.

57 minutes ago, survivor2021 said:

Now I envy you because you had the opportunity to date a hundred of people.. I never got to that point. I went on one date and got ghosted, planned others and got canceled on a few hours before the date.. each and every time I get more discouraged and convince myself It just won't work like all the other times.

I'll give you the opposite view I've never had a date. And I don't feel like I have missed a thing. I got to know women gradually as friends. Feelings developed mutually just by being around each other. I've never had to approach anyone. I've never had to ask anyone out. But I was able to find someone who loved and cared for me. 

There is any number of ways things can happen. There is no telling what the future will bring. So don't worry about it. Embrace yourself and find happiness for you. Life will present you with the doorway to love at some point, when it's time to step though you'll know. All you have to do be open to it.

I also was cancelled on when I was planning to meet up with a woman. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, survivor2021 said:

• So I believe that the number one factor is my introverted self. I lack some confidence when it comes to social life as I'm the quite person usually at work or at class before, but I am working on it and I am aware of it. I think there is nothing wrong with that, as that's my nature but that will simply limit my contact with people. I actually do like socializing and meeting new people.. and I feel I am quite likable as I'm respectful, kind and courteous and I do have some sense of humor. 
•  

Than use that to gain some confidence and approach some women. It doesnt matter what would happen next. Just approach, introduce yourself and talk to them a bit. That is how you will see that its nothing that scary.

3 hours ago, survivor2021 said:

I am being too selective on the 'situation' of where I will approach or talk to this woman I am interested in.

•  

 

Nothing wrong with that, I dont also approach women in the streets. However you would need to seize the opportunity when it presents itself. For example

4 hours ago, survivor2021 said:

• For example, work environment is a no no. I work in a company in Germany and there are many attractive women in the office, but the culture there is different, as Germans are even more introverted, and I also I stick to friendly greetings or conversations but I believe any approach to make it romantic will backfire and make things awkward for both of us.. If we become friends outside of work, maybe I will do something about it, but not as long as our relationship is 'coworkers'. Maybe some people from the US for example, where women and men are more open, will tell me to just 'go for it' but nah, and especially not in Germany. I'd say the same even for my home country.. that's just in my nature, and my negative experience with the girl in my university freshman year, where I had to see her every day and almost ruined my academic year is an enforcing factor.
•  

Work is kinda hard environment because no matter what you do, you would still see that person every day. But, dont asking somebody for a drink after work is that embarrassing. Its also something that you should work on as well. Somebody saying "No" to you shouldnt "ruin" you academic years. 

4 hours ago, survivor2021 said:

• • Lately I went with a friend on vacation to Spain and 3 other girls that I didn't know.. I found myself liking one of them.. but hey I just knew her and I am new to the group, I didn't want to do anything that might make her be on guard with me or feel uncomfortable and risk ruining the trip for her and the group and also me. So I let it go.
•  

You liking somebody, talking to them and determining if you can approach that person from romantic side, wouldnt ruin your trip. That is again "fear of rejection" talking from you.

4 hours ago, survivor2021 said:

• When I master up the courage and just 'go for it' it's not a good result. I do know that this selectiveness won't get me anywhere and I have to try.. once we played volleyball for the first time with a group that I didn't know and I exchanged contacts with some of them.. one of them was a girl in my team.. I asked her if she will join the next game, which she said no.. then I asked her if she wants to join me and watch a fireworks show, and she declined.. another time, a girl that loves the same football team as me helped me in in booking a ticket, and made assisting the game so easy thanks to her sharing her account with me. So I wanted to thank her properly and meet her, become friends since I was looking to socialize and meet new friends and especially if we share interests like this.. again, no luck. 

 

Eh, it happens. Its disheartening, yes. But that shouldnt discourage you from approaching. I am sorry you didnt have more positive examples. But if you want to have them you would have to go beyond your fear of rejection and try. Sometimes a lot until you succeed. 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, JSA40 said:

I will add that I think cold approaching is fundamentally flawed in many respects. Think about your own reaction when someone you do not know approaches and starts a conversation, I think you will agree most people are very guarded in that scenario.

Especially since so many have earbuds like when sitting at a coffee shop or on a bus etc so there's the added getting their attention thing.  Also if it's a longer ride then the person feels uncomfortable like -how long is this going to go on? (It is how I ended up meeting Bruce Hornsby- my seatmate on a flight although he didn't tell me his name till half way in LOL and I had his music on my Ipod -so - cold approaches sure can lead to interesting interactions!)

[smackie9]

Building confidence is making yourself feel good about yourself....dress for success...find a stylist to pick out a wardrobe, and get new hair style. When you look put together, you feel good and people will be attracted to that. You build from there with interactions. 

[TeeDee]

Being an introvert & lacking self confidence are vastly different things.   

Being an introvert means you recharge your batteries & solitude.  An extrovert recharges around people.  

Lacking self confidence is solely internal & has no bearing on how you recharge your batteries. 

First you need to figure out why you think so little of yourself.  Where did this negative attitude come from?  When you know that you can work to undo that damage. 

Second try remembering all the reasons you are a good person & a good friend.  Those qualities will make you a good SO.  

Next time you like somebody stop thinking she won't pick & shift to what has she done to prove worthy of me?