Contact Ex again

[Tohaka]

Hey.

My gf broke up 4 months ago. It was a healthy breakup. We are both young (17,18). The reason we broke up was that my parents had a lot of control over my life, without me realizing, because I grew up that way. It had impacted our relationship because they always pressured me to be home at a certain time or just in general not let me to certain things. The relationship with my gf was very good. It was healthy, passionate and loyal but I felt like my parents pressure and control over me staggered our relationship.

I think it was good to breakup because I never would have realized the mistakes I did and the fact that I have to become more independent and not let others decide things for me and get in way of my relationship. That's what I realized with the breakup. I realized I had to change. But I am changing.

First of all I now know in my mind that I have to say NO to some things that are told to me because I am an adult myself and not a kid anymore, where others control my life.

Second, I will go abroad for 6 months next week. I want to grow personally and also take responsibility of my life and learn how to live alone, in another continent and so on.

I made this decision because I really want to change for her and also for me and that I realized what has gone wrong. I want her to know that I will change for her and that I want to become a man, and take responsibility.

After 4 months of contact, I sent her a letter last week. We met up last week for the first time again. It went really well. We were both in a good mood, we both dressed nicely, talked about our lifes and gave a really long hug. And it definitely did not feel that this was the last time we have seen each other. As I said, the reason for breakup was not a lack of love but the reason said before. That's why I think we can get back together and deep in her heart she still loves me. I believe in true love.

My question now is: now that I will be abroad for 6 months, how can I still keep in touch with her. Does anybody have some tips? 

When I will be home I will definitely ask to meetup again, but I don't want to lose all touch in these 6 months. Just have a chat maybe once a week or so.

[yogacat]

Going abroad for six months is a great opportunity for you!

She probably felt that since your parents are (in her view) controlling she might have felt that your relationship wouldn't grow because they'd be in the way and might have affected her.

Your parents are looking out for you and both of you being so young probably they wanted you to just concentrate on your studies and parents want to protect you.

Especially when you're still living under their roof.

If you feel you could have made more effort to show her you really care than I'm sure she will appreciate hearing from you. But please don't beg her. Just sound interested and upbeat. If she is interested, she'll always reply back. 

[ShySoul]

For 17 and 18 year olds you handled the breakup better then a good percentage of adults would. I'm impressed by the maturity, grace, and understanding shown. 

Continue what you are doing. Learning responsibility and taking control of your life can be a difficult task, but that kind of self growth is vital. Going abroad wil be a great opportunity for you to grow in so many ways. You can handle it and will probably have many experiences and moments you'll come to remember and cherish. Best of luck to you.

It sounds like she is open to being in contact and still does care about you. I'd say just don't force it. Keep in touch whatever method you prefer, however often feels right for the two of you. Don't worry about it, just go with whatever feel natural. Catch each other up on what is happening in your lifes. Talk about the things you always have talked about. Keep the friendship going from where you left off, as much as possible. Simply enjoy each others company. Whatever happens from there will happen when/if it is supposed to.

 

[catfeeder]

Did you discuss going abroad when you met with her?

I think letting her know that she is important to you and someone with whom you don't want to lose touch is a gentle way of encouraging her to stay in touch.

I wouldn't make any announcements about your intentions to change 'for her,' as that's a bit too strong and implies that you hold her obligated to recognize the changes you make--which can be a real turn off.

Trust that if the two of you are meant to be, you'll both be interested in seeing one another again when you return.

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, Tohaka said:

When I will be home I will definitely ask to meetup again, but I don't want to lose all touch in these 6 months. Just have a chat maybe once a week or so.

That might be something you'd have to talk to her about - see IF she agree's with this.

BUT, this can go a totally different way as well.  As you said, for you to flourish & grow.  Who knows, you may meet up with a nice gal while away. And make some new friends! 🙂 

She may end up doing the same.  ( No one truly knows, until you reach the end of your travels and return.. to see IF she does still feel the same, or not).

Same goes for YOU here.  As you flourish and travel, yes, that often changes people.  You may come back a totally different man and want to go a different way... Again, no one knows.

And I also agree with this, below from Catfeeder.  

43 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I wouldn't make any announcements about your intentions to change 'for her,' as that's a bit too strong and implies that you hold her obligated to recognize the changes you make--which can be a real turn off.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Calls, texts, email

 

Normal stuff. 

Send some pictures.

See what she's up to.

[Andrina]

On 7/28/2024 at 4:03 AM, Tohaka said:

My question now is: now that I will be abroad for 6 months, how can I still keep in touch with her. Does anybody have some tips? 

My tip is to not be double and triple texting or any other form of communication if she does not reply in what you would like as a timely response. And don't always be the one to initiate communication. See if she puts in her own efforts as well.

I also suggest adopting a mindset of resiliency--in that you're doing what's best for yourself in the long run, and it's only a fifty-fifty chance you two will get back together, but you'll be okay no matter what happens. Yes, it'll be upsetting if what your goal is right now doesn't pan out, but you will eventually move on.

It's good to realize that if your parents were being controlling versus setting the normal parental rules, that you will no longer allow that moving forward. I suggest reading articles and books on setting boundaries with anybody in your life, including family. I know this was an issue with my first true love when I was a teen and in a 2 year relationship where I broke up with him, mainly because of the reason your gf broke up with you. I knew if I were to eventually marry him, that his mother's opinion would always overrule mine, even if we were a married couple. She was very manipulative and worked on his heartstrings.

You'll be okay no matter the outcome. As the saying goes, "Life happens when you're busy making plans."