Im having a very hard determining if my ex is a dismissive avoidant or has NPD

[Jimmy ape]

A few months ago I met a beautiful young girl. She is 19 years old and Im 43. Before I get judged and tarred and feathered, she was mature for a 19 year old and most people have a very hard time believing im 43.

The first few days were amazing. Then slowly, she started displaying some concerning behaviors such as saying that I "don't like to spend money" despite the fact we were constantly out and having a good time, eating out etc. She then sent me a couple of nasty texts after we had taken a trip together for virtually no good reason.

A lot of the time, she was affectionate with me, but it would be her showering me with kisses. I got the distinct impression more than one time, that something was just off and she was kind of distant. She said she values her independence and seemed to have a difficult time with intimacy and our relationship progressing. She would rarely text me unless I texted her first. When I asked her about this she said "I don't know, I just don't like getting in the way". 

Fast forward a month or so and we fly into another city and we have an argument. She up and leaves me in this other city 3 hours after we arrive, saying she is "scared of me" and that I hurt her. She proceeds to block me but then unblock me hours later. I am frantically trying to figure out what is going on here, and while she is responding to my texts, she seemed very rude, cold, and bitter, saying she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. She also says she is staying in a  hotel in the city Im in and asks me to send her money so she can eat. So I have some money transferred to her, but then she proceeds to fly out of the city and go back home.

 

A couple days later she calls me a "worthless man" through text, because I did not pay for her plane ticket ouf of the city. To this I exploded, saying she is a narcissist, delusional, the scum of the Earth, and pure evil. I block her and try to forget about her.

About a week later she sends me this email:  

 

Good morning, XXXXXX

 

XXXXXXX notified me about your flight. Did you arrive safely at XXXXXXXXXXX Airport? Did everything go well with the tickets?

 

I hope so. Kisses, take care.

 

XXXXXXXX

 

I did not respond. But a couple weeks later I unblocked her. A few hours after I unblcoked she sent me a message at 2:30 in the morning, then deleted it immediately. The message was nothing but a period, just clearly to see if she had been unblocked and if the message would go through.

 

Fast forward another 5 weeks of no contact, other than status message updates that we have viewed of each other. Yesterday I posted another status update an she viewed it immediately, then sent me another message that she deleted immediately again. My guess is she was baiting me into contacting her wihtout putting her ego on the line. She is extremely stubborn and has a big ego.

 

She most definitely has some dismissive avoidant and also narcissistic traits. I dont think she is necessarily a horrible person, but the way she treated me was pretty horrible. I do care about her, and she is very attractive. I am tempted to contact her and tell her Id like to try again but I would need her to go to counseling to address some of her obvious issues. 

 

Part of me is saying stay away. But its easier said than done.

 

Any thoughts on whether or not she is DA or NPD and if I do contact her, how should I go about this?  I believe that everyone deserves a second chance, at least most of the time.  

 

Sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading.

[Capricorn3]

All I see is an immature 19 year old and total incompatibility.  Leave it be and maybe in future focus on mature women in your age range.

[catfeeder]

Quote

Im having a very hard determining if my ex is a dismissive avoidant or has NPD

The key word above is 'ex'. Primary diagnosis: 'age 19'.

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on

[yogacat]

Yes, a 24 year age gap is significant, and the red flags you described go beyond age and suggest that there are some deeper issues at play in this relationship.

But I am curious, why do you believe that she is DA or NPD? Regardless, it was never a good idea for you to have been given the responsibility of being this young woman's de facto therapist.

[MissCanuck]

What difference will it really make what label you assign her? It changes nothing and nobody here can tell you with any accurracy what mental health issues she migh have.

You made a mistake thinking a 19-year-old kid was a suitable partner, dude. You were wrong about her being "mature", and even if she were, she's still way too young to be dating a 40-something man. It's a wildly incompatible age gap. 

You could also stand to do some maturing, though. We are the same age and I can't imagine wrapping myself up in this nonsense. Forget about her. It was never going to last. 

[DarkCh0c0]

She is young and still discovering the world. She needs her independence, friends and so forth.

Her behaviour is normal as she is still maturing.

As everyone mentioned, what did you expect from someone so young? Aside from casual companionship, it'll be difficult to get more out of this.

All these diagnoses are just a jumble of words and excuses for her behaviour so you can justify staying longer with her when you really know you shouldn't.

Let it go. Move on and find someone more at your own level and size.

[DarkCh0c0]

8 hours ago, Jimmy ape said:

I believe that everyone deserves a second chance, at least most of the time

Second chance after all this? Are you kidding?

She doesn't like you nor respect you.

Why self-sabotage more? Better move on to other mature prospects.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Her behaviour is normal as she is still maturing.

 

I am sorry, but her behavior is not "normal". At 18, at least where I am, you are fully a member of society on your own. That means that you can work, pay taxes, and answer for all your deeds in front of the law and everything else mature person does. Because a society considers you a mature individual on your own. Before that, your parents are responsible for you in front of the law and other stuff. Because you arent mature enough and everything you do bears on them. But at 19, you surely are fully matured individual. So unless you are trying to tell me she isnt mature for her age, I cant agree that "she is still maturing" because she is 19. Since she should already be at the age where she should know some stuff and what to do and what not to do.

OP, seems to me that you ran out to "Golddigger" type of situation. Big age gap, readiness to take your money at every opportunity etc. You were maybe enamored because she is very young and probably very pretty. But she was with you not because "you look younger" but because you have money. And paid for stuff and flied her over to places. And with that kind of a person, its not surprising to have erratic behaviors like that. Manipulation is something they do on daily basis. For example, my immediate thought on her in other city is that she found somebody else and that is why she abandoned you. Avoid age gaps and situations like this in the future. And block this one on everything and dont look back.

[DarkCh0c0]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

So unless you are trying to tell me she isnt mature for her age, I cant agree that "she is still maturing" because she is 19.

People mature differently, specially emotionally. I'm not just talking about being an adult and having adult responsibilities. 

Plus, the brain keeps developing until the age of 28, so you're still growing and changing more frequently until then.

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

OP, seems to me that you ran out to "Golddigger" type of situation. Big age gap, readiness to take your money at every opportunity etc. You were maybe enamored because she is very young and probably very pretty.

I think OP is pretty aware of the arrangement he's got into when he picked someone who could be as old as a daughter. Let's not pretend he is so oblivious to this sugar daddy situation.

They are both playing games at this point.

[Kwothe28]

30 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Plus, the brain keeps developing until the age of 28, so you're still growing and changing more frequently until then.

So, are we going to raise the age of consent to 28? Maybe also raise age of voting to that too? Because I dont think you or anybody else on this thread really thought out "19 isnt mature enough" statement. Because age limit exists for a reason. If you are going to tell me that 19 isnt mature as 30 is, sure. But dont take the proverbial statement how "brain isnt mature enough" when they are fully adults responsible for their actions in front of society. At 19 she is fully capable to know what she is doing. Without you providing her for an excuse when she takes some older gentleman for a ride.

[yogacat]

Sadly, there are some young women that financially take advantage of older men.

Why was she afraid of you? What happened there?

A 43 year old man dating a 19 year old girl needs to understand he’s in a relationship with an in development woman who may need a good life coach, stable environment and support. Meanwhile, she runs you down. She leaves you high and dry in a strange city while she eats your money. 

You, as a 43 year old, need to make better choices about who you are dating and seek someone who is more emotionally and mentally mature. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

So, are we going to raise the age of consent to 28? Maybe also raise age of voting to that too? Because I dont think you or anybody else on this thread really thought out "19 isnt mature enough" statement. Because age limit exists for a reason. If you are going to tell me that 19 isnt mature as 30 is, sure. But dont take the proverbial statement how "brain isnt mature enough" when they are fully adults responsible for their actions in front of society. At 19 she is fully capable to know what she is doing. Without you providing her for an excuse when she takes some older gentleman for a ride.

She knows what she is doing and so does he. He is acting surprised of her behaviour and some us here can see some of it is immature and sometimes typical of a 19yo specially considering the age gap. I'm not saying/negating she's not using him.

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod Note...Please remain respectful when replying.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Mod Note...Please remain respectful when replying.

Got it. Thank you.

[smackie9]

You say she's mature....well in reality she's not...she's just being a 19 year old girl, trying to act all mature. When time goes on, that's when things start to unravel. Their true colours start to show. She's not a bad person....she is still developing mentally, and learning about herself. Over time she will learn how to deal with/cope with situations and behave more maturely. You ain't got time for that. Sure she's attractive and fun...but that doesn't give you someone that can share your life with, or fulfill you emotionally, give you stability as a partner, someone to grow old with. She's nowhere near ready for that. To add, you are robbing her of her youth. She needs to have different experiences, date different men, discover life on her own. She doesn't need to be nailed down in a serious relationship for the long term.

I think her reaction to money spent is her putting on the brakes...this is getting way too serious for her, and she's feeling it. Hey nothing more flattering to a young lady having a much older man interested in her BUT She's not looking at this as long term. Things are just going to get more awkward, so it's best to put this behind you and move on.

[Jimmy ape]

Im pretty much trying to move on, she is the one that keeps messaging me and deleting the message immediately.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Jimmy ape said:

Im pretty much trying to move on, she is the one that keeps messaging me and deleting the message immediately.

Simple. Block and delete.

I was 19 and dated a 36yo man. I was the mature, serious one and he was the type who didn’t want to settle down. We drifted apart and then met again 3 years later and decided to get into a committed relationship. I deeply regret it. I can barely stomach the thought I allowed that man to touch me.

My distaste isn’t directly because of the age-gap. And I was very much more mature than him. But, as a woman now his age (I’m 37), I cannot imagine being interested in a 19yo boy. Why? Because life stages are very different. Brain development is very different. The last area of the brain to develop is the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision making and judging situations. For women, their brain usually completes development around the age of 25, for men it takes a little longer. It doesn’t matter how mature you are, it is impossible to judge a situation coming from all aspects when you don’t have the mental tools to do so.

There are rules in society which dictate what is legally acceptable and what is not. We all know those rules. Understanding morality and ethics is another thing entirely and being able to strip a situation down and know WHY a rule is in place can take a much longer time to comprehend - and not just because society has conditioned us to recognise something is wrong or right. You’re asking a very young woman to understand a relationship she has never experienced before. She is not learning together at the same time as someone in her own age-bracket. To expect anything more would be emotionally negligent on your part as a man with 43 years of life experience. 

Yes, at 19 I never would have behaved as she does. But, at 19, she seems very very emotionally immature. I would say the same thing about a 43yo woman who had never left her house her whole life, lived as a recluse without any previous relationship and life experience and then suddenly found herself in your scenario. Her brain might have finished developing, but without those relationship experiences, it would be stunted.

I think it is wildly inappropriate to even attempt to diagnose a person when one is not qualified to do so and has not spent several lengthy sessions with the person in the process of assessing them. But, it doesn’t matter if immaturity or mental health conditions are the cause of her behaviour, as the former takes years to reach a point where it is not an issue and the latter needs ongoing treatment and support, which you are not equipped to give. Beyond that, it could just be she has a crappy personality.

This is not a relationship that is based on equality - regardless of age (I would not have a problem with ages 41 and 65, for example, if they were similarly experienced and, therefore, matched). But for you, it is not financially equal, experience-equal, maturity-equal, socially-equal, and probably more unequals I’ve not mentioned. 

Move on. If not for you then for her. I can promise you that you don’t want her to grow up and then feel sickened at the thought of having made the choice to be with you. Not because of biological age but because of everything that goes into the age-gap discrepancy. Nothing good will come of her game-playing, or yours. Block and delete.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Jimmy ape said:

Im pretty much trying to move on, she is the one that keeps messaging me and deleting the message immediately.

Why are you enabling this by not blocking her? 

Come on, Jimmy. You're old enough to know better. Did you really think a woman half your age was going to become your long-termg girlfriend? Of course she wasn't. 

How did you even meet someone so young? 

[Jimmy ape]

Im travelling in a foreign country. I have higher status than her, and relationships like this are not unusual in her country.

[yogacat]

What behavior alarmed her about you? And I am also curious to know how you met. You say you still care for her...tbh, you just met her...you hardly know her. You're attached to the fantasy.

There really is no need to label her as dismissive or a narcissist...let's just leave it at she's not ready to be in a long term relationship with a man almost twice her age.

[Jimmy ape]

Ungrateful

Controlling

Manipulating

Entitled

Inconsistent

Angry

[Jimmy ape]

I really enjoyed the sex as she is insanely sexy so I was willing to overlook a few red flags. I can't imagine anyone else would not have considering how hot she is.

[yogacat]

Just now, Jimmy ape said:

I really enjoyed the sex as she is insanely sexy so I was willing to overlook a few red flags. I can't imagine anyone else would not have considering how hot she is.

Oh man. You reap what you sow.

[Jimmy ape]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Oh man. You reap what you sow.

Please explain how I have done anything wrong.