Learning To Love Myself

[PKL]

Hi all,

 

I am newly single as of 3 weeks ago.  What are some ways I can really start to love myself?  I find my self-worth and value in other people and how they treat me, so having been broken up with, I am struggling to feel any love.  I also don't have many close friends and don't know where to meet people, being single and 21 in a college program that is mostly online and living at home with my parents. I desire to be loved by someone, to have someone close and special to me, and I don't know how to not constantly seek that feeling. How do I get over this feeling and desire?

[ShySoul]

Are you looking to love yourself or to meet new people? Finding ways to meet new people is nice, but it's not going to address the core issue of seeking validation of others. It's just going to allow you the opportunity to do the same things with your new friends.

Loving oneself starts with understanding oneself. It's about taking the time to look inside and figure out who you are. Look at your strengths and weaknesses. Find your likes and dislikes. Really delve into how your mind works and what things spark joy or make you tick.

From there do the things you love. If you are having fun and enjoying yourself, you won't need others to give you that feeling of validation. You will naturally feel good about yourself, sending yourself positive energy that can help boost the self-esteem. It also can create a natural bridge to meeting people who may have the same interests, people who are more likely to understand you and have samiliar personality traits. That could lead to closer friendships that develop naturally.

Here's something I found that seems to explain what I'm getting:

https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-love-yourself

[Batya33]

52 minutes ago, PKL said:

Hi all,

 

I am newly single as of 3 weeks ago.  What are some ways I can really start to love myself?  I find my self-worth and value in other people and how they treat me, so having been broken up with, I am struggling to feel any love.  I also don't have many close friends and don't know where to meet people, being single and 21 in a college program that is mostly online and living at home with my parents. I desire to be loved by someone, to have someone close and special to me, and I don't know how to not constantly seek that feeling. How do I get over this feeling and desire?

I don't focus on self "love" or anything like the trendy "self care" but I will share what I do regularly and daily to feel good about myself.

I give to others from a position of reasonable confidence. I try to do small kindnesses every day if at all possible. 

I work hard on getting enough sleep.

I work out -cardio mostly -daily and pushing myself to the limit, being in my "zone" and taking that me time which requires a lot of prep/planning/having my husband accommodoate even though the whole workout is 30-35 minutes- keeps reinforcing for me that I believe in myself, take care of myself, I don't have to put my wants second just because I'm a married mom.  And the rewards -looking fit, slim, healthy, helps me make better dietary choices (I am almost 58) 

I work on reducing screen time and instead I read books -mostly fiction.  Enriches my life, takes me away from social media stuff etc.

I say "no" even when it's awkward or I feel judged for not wanting to go out at night anymore (I had an extremely active social and night life from around age 14 to my early 40s).  I show myself I care about wanting to feel ready early morning for my cherished me time.

I started wearing makeup daily again some months ago. I find it helps me feel better about myself.  i add this because if you have the mindset of wanting to feel as good as you can you'll be more open to small things that can further that.  I was really surprised that it helped and it did.  

I move around a lot during the day -I walk miles most days to get my errands done (separate from the work out) - being in motion helps me feel better about myself -my job now is sedentary but part time so I can make that happen.  

I would start applying to in person college programs.  I lived with my parents at your age and commuted to college. I met people through my place of worship, through school and through volunteer activities and internships.  What do you do each day to meet people?

I am sorry about your breakup -it's hard I know! I went through a few in my early 20s.  Including a broken engagement. I wish you the best.

Oh unless you have eating or food issues I am totally on board for sweets in moderation -treat yourself!

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, PKL said:

I find my self-worth and value in other people and how they treat me...

Bur that's not 'self' worth.

[Jimmy ape]

Starting with really strenuous exercise would be a great start, followed by meditating, eating healthy and reading self help books about positive manifestation and personal growth.

[yogacat]

Unless you grew up in a dysfunctional family setting where affection and attention were not given freely, this is a behavior we develop on our own through life experiences. We come to believe that we are only worth loving if someone loves us, but the truth is self-love is the most valuable form of love because it is something you have control over. 

IF your self-worth is only defined by other people's treatment of you, you will always be at the mercy of their actions and opinions.

Personally, I like to start my mornings with a book chapter on a topic that interests me and a few pages from Greek philosophy. I also take the time to meditate and exercise daily, usually through a yoga class or a recumbent bike workout. Additionally, I make time for my love of music.

I try to practice gratitude each day. I think a big part of it, believe it or not, is GRATITUDE, self-compassion and through continuous learning. I hope that you can find something that works for you!!
 

[Cherylyn]

I very much focus on self love and self care whether it's trendy or not.  I do what I like to do and I could care less whether anyone approves of it or not.  I go my own way and it's great.  🤗

Even though my situation is not the same as yours,  I've released some people from my life due to their deep insecurity and they had no qualms dispensing their mental abuse onto me.  This is after I selflessly  catered to their needs constantly and knocked myself out to make them happy at my expense not only with my time and energy but they were awfully expensive with my wallet. ☹️ There comes a point where I simply burned out not so much from the mental and physical labor but their spoiled attitude with saying and writing whatever they wished without any harsh consequences.  Well,  the time came and at first it was an adjustment but I grew to love my independence to the hilt and I hope this will be you, too OP @PKL.

I take care of my health in all ways imaginable ~ diet,  exercise and when I look good,  I feel great.  I'm very good about not cheating on my diet and it's not a matter of self control.  It's easy because I simply do not crave nor want it.  Certain food repulses me.  It's a real self confidence booster and there's a definite connection between a sound body and sound mind.  No couch potatoes here!  I pay attention to my grooming,  wear natural-looking make up,  love to dress well with chic clothing,  shoes and I have my various chic handbags!  I have regular appointments at the hair salon.  I enjoy looking put together.  I don't like looking frumpy. 

I limit my screen time and my cellphone is turned off from dinnertime to beyond.  It doesn't get turned on until the morning and even then I don't have my nose in my phone day or night. 

There was a time when I pitied myself but lately,  I've been savoring my extra time;  time I would've otherwise wasted on a bunch of ingrates.  😠  Lately,  I've since changed the way I think.  If people do not give me the same courtesy of help,  time,  labor,  enthusiasm,  money or anything that I would do for them,  I've learned to release them from my life because the dynamic is unbalanced and not reciprocal.  I gave everything I had to some people in my life whereas they certainly didn't give me the same energy and effort.  It's been a tremendous relief to eliminate them from my life so I can concentrate on self love and self care.

What helps is doing something industrious regardless of what it is whether in your dwelling,  in public or any endeavors.  After work,  I enjoy my hobbies such as sewing (potholders,  trivets,  aprons,  oven mitts,  casserole carriers,  clothes),  quilting,  cross stitching,  embroidery,  crocheting,  knitting,  calligraphy (penmanship),  embossing & stamping greeting cards,  cake decorating,  cooking,  baking,  decluttering,  organizing my recipes in fancy binders with tabs,  artsy or creative projects.  Doing what I do is self love.  I can get lost in it.   I love to work in my rose gardens in my front and back yards. 

I've enrolled in classes,  attended seminars,  got involved in my community,  cooked and fed the homeless with my immediate family of husband and sons,  worked at food banks and the options are endless. 

My secret?  Keep busy!  Idle hands are the devil's workshop. 

I've noticed when I practice self care and self love,  I attract others because people love independent people who have their life together.  They don't like the 'woe is me' type person.  They're attracted to those who keep it moving and find purpose in their life.  Alike minds attract alike minded. 

I'm sorry for your break up.  If I were you,  I would concentrate on your education,  get a great career and believe me,  men will be crawling out of the woodwork to get to know you and value you as a lady.  You won't even have to try.  That was me.  In fact,  I had to decline a lot of dates and told them,  "I'm very busy" which made them want me all the more despite my being unavailable!  Men were attracted to my financial independence.  Nothing is more attractive than self confidence and high self esteem for both men and women. 

You get over your sad feelings by being productive,  giving yourself healthy distractions and if you want to meet people,  you have to go to them because they won't come to you.  If you're faith based,  join your local church because there's lots to do there.  Go to MeetUps and take walks.  Volunteer for charitable causes in your community.  Enroll in a class aside from your studies or a group.  There are groups and clubs at your college which you need to look into.  See what strikes your fancy.

You're in a better spot than I was when I was 21 years old.  I worked night and grave yard shifts full time while enrolled in college full time by day and I financially supported my widowed mother and younger siblings.  I had zero spare time compared to you.  I didn't have time to wallow in my misery.  I had more pressing 'bread 'n butter issues' to tend to and pay my own bills with tuition,  car,  insurance,  etc.  No matter.  I concentrated on my mission,  ascended in my career,  prospered and then a lot of men asked me out for dates which I had to decline because I was very busy.  However,  one man stood out and after a whirlwind romance,  I married him at age 22 and he was 23 years old.  I didn't even have to seek him out either and this could very well be you, too.  When you're super busy with your own life,  this is when men take notice because they love women who don't simply sit around and do nothing.  They love women who have a life of their own. 

 

[AuthenticSelf]

Why do you desire to be loved by someone, to have someone close and special? 

What does it ultimately bring to your life?