I can’t get over his past my

[RobustMouse]

On 7/27/2024 at 4:38 PM, MissCanuck said:

There is likely no coming back from this. 

You won't be able un-hear the things he said about her. You won't be able to stop compaing yourself to her.  My strong assumption that despite his reassurances, or the logic posters here will try to get you to see, you won't be able to shake this off. 

I'm sorry. When you ask questions like this, be prepared to hear things you wish you'd never heard. 

I needed to hear this. Thank you. And you are correct. I have not been ever since I posted this.

[RobustMouse]

On 7/27/2024 at 8:56 PM, ShySoul said:

If you love someone to the point of wanting to marry them, then those aren't superficial feelings. That is something that digs in deep and takes its roots inside of your heart. Then to have it end in such a manner, the pain is also that much deeper. You go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. 

He was young when it happened. Was that his first serious relationship? If so, it would sting even more and be likely to stay with him.

Time doesn't heal all wounds. There is always a part of you that stays with that person. You don't hate the person, as you couldn't hate someone that means that much to you. But it also doesn't mean you still want to be with them. You find ways to accept what happened. You eventually love another just as strongly, even if it is in a different way.

But, like any old wound, it can occassionally be activated again. A song, a special place, a game of comparing exs... all the old feelings can come flooding back and for a moment you are right there in that time again.

Don't compare your relationship to any prior relationship. Don't compare each other to any other person. What is important is the relationship you have right now. What is important is the feelings and moments you build and share together. 

As for your concerns on your body, has he demonstrated that he is attracted to you physically? Has he complimented your look? If yes, then you are fine. People can be attracted to a varity of body types. 

He actually likes curvier women. (Clearly). I admitted that I started to gain weight and work out to get my butt bigger for him - and when my body started to change, his eyes lit up. He clearly likes me heavier and not what I am at naturally. He was more turned on at my changes

[RobustMouse]

None of this is about me being afraid he will go back her. They were done 14 years ago. What is destroying things exactly what some of you have said - I cannot let go of these comments. I even tried gaining weight, working out, to suite what he liked better - and I’m telling you the delight on his face when my cup size increased and when I said I had been doing squats to get a bigger butt - shook me. He really loved the idea. He said “yes I would love it if your boobs were bigger!”

At one point we were being intimate from behind and he said “I love that you have hips!!!” Which is a bold faced lie, I have a very slim lower body. I don’t have hips.

[yogacat]

47 minutes ago, RobustMouse said:

None of this is about me being afraid he will go back her. They were done 14 years ago. What is destroying things exactly what some of you have said - I cannot let go of these comments. I even tried gaining weight, working out, to suite what he liked better - and I’m telling you the delight on his face when my cup size increased and when I said I had been doing squats to get a bigger butt - shook me. He really loved the idea. He said “yes I would love it if your boobs were bigger!”

At one point we were being intimate from behind and he said “I love that you have hips!!!” Which is a bold faced lie, I have a very slim lower body. I don’t have hips.

That's what I suspected:

On 7/29/2024 at 2:55 PM, yogacat said:

Except it's about beauty for her.

Why did you even have a conversation comparing exes? Did it occur to you that you might not want to hear about his exes?

Look, you have an eating disorder and this is super triggering for you. For that exact reason, you need to not be talking about past relationships right now. Trying to compare and rank relationships is a massive slippery slope to toxic thoughts and insecurity. 

Look out for yourself and avoid those conversations. Tell him you don't want to discuss the past anymore, as it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he truly cares about you, he will respect your boundaries. And if he doesn't, then maybe he isn't the right person for you.

Please know that his words don't have to define you.

And don't allow them to because you only see yourself through the lens of your own struggles. Easier said than done, you think that your boyfriend's comments were tasteless and hurtful, and that's not okay. So don't accept them as the truth.

He lacks filter, yes.

Him saying he loves your hips should be because they are YOUR unique hips, not necessarily because they are certain size or shape. Or, would you have preferred he would have stayed silent...

Probably the better of two evils there.

He is making a insensitive effort to make you feel good about yourself, and unconsciously made the biggest mistake a man could -  by talking about size and comparing! 

If this relationship leaves you not feeling good about yourself, then it's not the right one for you.

Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things, but I'm curious, if he brought this up himself or were you probing at an open wound? Why did you both feel the need to speak about exes?

Additionally, it's important for you to work on your self-esteem and not base your worth on your physical appearance. Your worth goes beyond your body and it's important to focus on your talents, personality, and inner beauty. 

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, RobustMouse said:

He said “yes I would love it if your boobs were bigger!”

Honey, get rid of this clown. 

He's insensitive and doesn't appreciate you for who you naturally are. This is not love. 

[Batya33]

Please do not ever change  your body for someone else.  Yes if your honey loves when you wear lipstick and you like wearing lipstick or don't mind much that's a minimal irrelevant change.  If a specific t-shirt turns him on or lingerie and it's no big deal to take it out of the drawer -sure.  Also I'd be wary of dating anyone so focused on a specific body type where you feel objectified. Liking a person who is slim and fit -for sure that's normal- preferring larger breasts or smaller -fine -preferring.  But literally putting on or losing weight or working out specifically and mostly for your partner that's a huge red flag IMO.

It's like Billy Joel sings and read the lyrics -more than once "I love you just the way you are." Would he love you if heaven forbid you needed a masectomy and didn't want implants? If after pregnancy it took you longer to lose the baby weight or you stopped nursing and your breasts shrunk? Think about that for your next relationship.  

I'm glad you're coming to the right decision.

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Honey, get rid of this clown. 

He's insensitive and doesn't appreciate you for who you naturally are. This is not love. 

Exactly. With millions of people in the world, why settle for this?

You have your own unique value, which you don't need to change for ANYone. The right person for you will view you through the right lens, and you'll feel respected and appreciated for exactly who you are.

Most people are NOT our match. Those are natural odds. Finding simpatico with the right person is special. This guy? NOT special. Not even close.