I can’t get over his past my

[RobustMouse]

Brief history:

BF, 35 dated someone in his 20s who he thought he would marry until she ended up cheating on him. It sent him into a very deep depression that lasted over a year. He admitted on the next GF after her, they at one point were being intimate and he stopped her saying “I can’t stop thinking about my ex”. Give him points for honestly I guess.

14 years later after a year of friendship we start dating. 33 days into this relationship I have always suspected he still has feelings for her. He never seemed to hate her. In fact he cried after telling me the story one day. I cannot understand why if didn’t have feelings for her - why not hate her?

I am not sure why we started doing this.bur last night we started talking about our exes comparing them, ranking them. (Yes I know it was stupid now….) and even while I already knew the answer - it hurt like hell when he said she was his first in terms of  beauty. In all fairness he was not my top and was not bothered by it. 

It went further, where he was describing their bodies -and all I heard about her was the big boobs and butt she had. (The others were mostly things he didn’t like) then went on to mention that every guy at this coffee shop wanted her and yet she ended up with him.

as a recovering anorexic who has extremely low self esteem. (He knows this) I cant get over how hurt I was, even if it was my fault for participating.

moving forward- I tried talking to him about it yesterday. And it did not go well.

“Last Night I left your house really upset. After that conversation. It really upset me”

to my surprise, he got irritated with me. “Your upset about that?? I am with YOU now, not then!!!” He had a very bad day that day and said he had been looking forward for to seeing me.

It’s not that I don’t think he likes me, but I can’t help but think he’s still has something for her. He’s mentioned 4x about how “curvy she is”. And how much he likes hips (none of which I have) honestly I feel sick..

 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

After merely a month of dating, if I'd gathered someone from his past 15 years ago invoked tears from him and she's often on his brain, which is obvious with his frequent mentions of her, that I couldn't really enjoy my time with someone like this. 

You're supposed to be in the highs of new relationship, on cloud nine, where you can't get enough of one another. Instead, you're feeling less special than a ghost of his past.

I don't even know why you'd want to continue on since you're feeling miserable in his company. Perhaps it's just the bonding that happens with sex. Don't let the biology of hormones override your brain.

In your shoes, I'd see this vetting period as one where the bad outweighs any good, which you've made no mention of, and break up. For the future, keep talks of a person's past relationship history in very general terms without details. Such as, "We were together five years, outgrew each other, and parted on good terms." No details of looks, which restaurants and states frequented, how good or bad they were in bed. None of that is valuable info, and also damaging as you've found out.

Take care. You deserve better.

[LotusBlack]

Play silly games, win silly prizes - regarding ranking of exes. I know you know that was a bad thing to do together, but really…it was beyond terrible. At no point with any of my partners have I ever felt the desire to do such a thing, as when I decide to date someone, I am with that person, end of. Plus, it’s a pretty disrespectful thing to do. Now you are struggling with the consequences of participating in such an activity. 

Aside from that, I agree with the above comment that you deserve to feel safe and secure in your relationship. If you don’t, then you need to consider if this relationship is right for you.

In your shoes, I would be feeling very vulnerable and unsure. I’d be struggling not to give into comparing myself to my partner’s ex if they are all he can talk about. Once I’d hit that point (of trying not to compare), I’d be done. I wouldn’t be willing to go down that road. I’d have too much self respect. As should you.

Sorry you’re going through this.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

Play silly games, win silly prizes - regarding ranking of exes. I know you know that was a bad thing to do together, but really…it was beyond terrible. At no point with any of my partners have I ever felt the desire to do such a thing, as when I decide to date someone, I am with that person, end of. Plus, it’s a pretty disrespectful thing to do. Now you are struggling with the consequences of participating in such an activity. 

Aside from that, I agree with the above comment that you deserve to feel safe and secure in your relationship. If you don’t, then you need to consider if this relationship is right for you.

In your shoes, I would be feeling very vulnerable and unsure. I’d be struggling not to give into comparing myself to my partner’s ex if they are all he can talk about. 

Sorry you’re going through this.

Totally agree.  I cringed and worse at the conversation you chose to have, the path you chose to go down with him.  

Honesty and oversharing are two different things -if someone brings up this topic you don't have to answer or discuss and you shouldn't IMO.

I've been with my husband almost 20 years and neither of us knows any details from our mouths about who we dated, our exes pertaining to looks, sex anything like that.  As it should be IMO.  I think he told me his ex was short (and he knows I know what she looks like).  That's it.

Listen to Carly Simon's song We Have No Secrets.  Look carefully at the lyrics more than once .

[Jaunty]

You're in your 30's?  Seriously?   Well, probably leave this one in the dust and try to treat your next relationship with a little respect, if you'd like it to have a chance.

 

[yogacat]

You're 35 years old, and I hope  this was a lesson for you in the future to know that comparing yourself to someone else's ex is never a good idea, and can potentially cause a lot of pain and hurt to yourself. 

Your boyfriend's past is just that, his past. He is with you now, and that is what matters. 

As for your boyfriend, it's not uncommon for people to still have some feelings or memories about their past relationships, even if they were painful. It doesn't mean he has any less love or feelings for you.

I'm sorry you have had body image difficulties and suffering from anorexia, but the comments about her being curvy are just preferences.

That doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive or love you any less.

Please try to get a grip on that aspect because that's what it's sounding like you might be struggling with more than the fear of him having feelings for his ex.

[MissCanuck]

There is likely no coming back from this. 

You won't be able un-hear the things he said about her. You won't be able to stop compaing yourself to her.  My strong assumption that despite his reassurances, or the logic posters here will try to get you to see, you won't be able to shake this off. 

I'm sorry. When you ask questions like this, be prepared to hear things you wish you'd never heard. 

[catfeeder]

I've never known anyone seriously injured who was able to focus on their recovery to heal and develop skills beyond anyone's wildest imagination by comparing themselves with others along the way. We each hold unique value, and we're each on our own path, and we can't love and appreciate ourselves by comparing ourselves to anyone else.

This experience will either teach you why that's important, or you'll sink yourself by drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of. That's a decision.

One shot you might have is to explore with BF whether he's willing to delve into discussions with you about the things you each find lovable and special about the other--without comparison to anyone else. If he's not willing or able to do that in such a way that you can feel confidently built up by his attention and affection, then you may need to recognize that he's just not the right guy for you. In which case, take what you've learned from this experience and apply it to future relationships.

[shouldhavelearned]

Time to move on

He hasn't healed properly.

[ShySoul]

If you love someone to the point of wanting to marry them, then those aren't superficial feelings. That is something that digs in deep and takes its roots inside of your heart. Then to have it end in such a manner, the pain is also that much deeper. You go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. 

He was young when it happened. Was that his first serious relationship? If so, it would sting even more and be likely to stay with him.

Time doesn't heal all wounds. There is always a part of you that stays with that person. You don't hate the person, as you couldn't hate someone that means that much to you. But it also doesn't mean you still want to be with them. You find ways to accept what happened. You eventually love another just as strongly, even if it is in a different way.

But, like any old wound, it can occassionally be activated again. A song, a special place, a game of comparing exs... all the old feelings can come flooding back and for a moment you are right there in that time again.

Don't compare your relationship to any prior relationship. Don't compare each other to any other person. What is important is the relationship you have right now. What is important is the feelings and moments you build and share together. 

As for your concerns on your body, has he demonstrated that he is attracted to you physically? Has he complimented your look? If yes, then you are fine. People can be attracted to a varity of body types. 

[TeeDee]

You are the only one who can fix this.  If you cannot wholly & fully embrace what your BF said -- that he's with you & that's what counts -- you will destroy your relationship.  

So what do you want to do?  

Going forward never have a conversation like this again with anybody ever.  

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/27/2024 at 7:31 AM, RobustMouse said:

it hurt like hell when he said she was his first in terms of  beauty.

On 7/27/2024 at 7:31 AM, RobustMouse said:

It went further, where he was describing their bodies -and all I heard about her was the big boobs and butt she had.

then went on to mention that every guy at this coffee shop wanted her...

On 7/27/2024 at 7:31 AM, RobustMouse said:

moving forward- I tried talking to him about it yesterday. And it did not go well.

On 7/27/2024 at 7:31 AM, RobustMouse said:

to my surprise, he got irritated with me. “Your upset about that?? I am with YOU now, not then!!!” He had a very bad day that day and said he had been looking forward for to seeing me.

I am sorry OP but your boyfriend is a complete ASS!  Even if you were both having a ridiculous discussion ranking ex's etc.

I understand still having residual feelings for an ex but a respectful boyfriend who has even half a brain DOES NOT make these sort of lame ass comments about an ex's body to his current girlfriend.

No wonder you feel insecure!

I would drop SO FAST any man who made these sort of comments to me about an ex.  And I am NOT insecure about my body/physical appearance.   

It's just disrespectful imo.   I am NOT his frat buddy, I am his girlfriend.  NEXT.

And to top it off, you went to talk with him about your feelings (which is often advised on this forum), and he got defensive, irritated and attempted to guilt trip you and shut you down by saying "he had a very bad day!"

Translation:  Shut the * up.

This goes without saying, but you need to dump this jerk.  Seriously.

Again, it's one thing having residual feelings for an ex (which I totally understand) but the comments he make about her "big boobs" and "butt" and that every guy wanted her were over the top and beyond the pale.

JMO.

I'm sorry.

P.S. And lastly about what he said to his previous girlfriend:

On 7/27/2024 at 7:31 AM, RobustMouse said:

He admitted on the next GF after her, they at one point were being intimate and he stopped her saying “I can’t stop thinking about my ex”. Give him points for honestly I guess.

This guy needs a filter.  So during sex with his previous girlfriend, he suddenly announces "I can't stop thinking about my ex"?  And he tells you this?  

What?  This isn't honesty (well it is but there are some things better left unsaid) and THIS is one of them!

Again, it's okay to still have feelings for an ex, but to describe is such explicit detail her body parts and what turned him on that she was his first in terms of beauty, etc and to shut you down when you attempt to discuss your feelings, is just plain insensitive, disrespectful and NOT something a respectful boyfriend says to his current girlfriend.

 

[yogacat]

Don't go fishing for information that will just make you feel bad about yourself. You have already made the mistake of comparing yourself to his ex and that only caused pain. You need to focus on your own worth and not compare yourself to others. 

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, by the way and JMO but I think you should be thankful this happened.  It's only been 33 days and it allowed you to discover his true colors.

Not that he still has feelings for his ex (which it's clear he does) but just how disrespectful and insensitive he can be.

And when you attempt to discuss and hopefully resolove by sharing your feelings, he gets defensive, irritated and shuts you down.

Yeah, be THANKFUL this happened so early in!

BIG FAT NEXT.

P.S.  Moving forward, take steps to work on your own body image issues and self-esteem.  So when you encounter this type of behavior again, you won't allow it to bring YOU down, you will view it as poor reflection on him and next him without feeling badly about yourself or the situation.

When you feel good about yourself, there will be no need to even initiate such conversations.  They serve NO good purpose in the grand scheme.

 

[yogacat]

Except it's about beauty for her.

Why did you even have a conversation comparing exes? Did it occur to you that you might not want to hear about his exes?

Look, you have an eating disorder and this is super triggering for you. For that exact reason, you need to not be talking about past relationships right now. Trying to compare and rank relationships is a massive slippery slope to toxic thoughts and insecurity. 

Look out for yourself and avoid those conversations. Tell him you don't want to discuss the past anymore, as it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he truly cares about you, he will respect your boundaries. And if he doesn't, then maybe he isn't the right person for you.

[chess103]

This topic should not have been discussed. That being said, the biggest red flag for me is him getting emotional over an ex 14 years ago. 

[smackie9]

Oh girl you need to end this. This dude has issues... if he can't move on from something from 14 years ago there is something very wrong with that. And to get defensive over it when you are trying to express your feelings. That's manipulation/stonewalling you. Toxic. 

[lostandhurt]

This silly discussion actually saved you months of wasted time.  Now you can see he is not over his ex, has no respect for your feelings, has no filter between his mind and mouth and worst of all sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he said to you or his ex he stopped mid sex to proclaim he can't stop thinking about his ex.  Who does that???

 I have been extremely lucky to have dated a few women that were outrageously out of my league.  I NEVER bring them up, never talk about past women in my life unless specifically asked and then I only answer with the most generic answers.  Was she pretty Lost?  "Yes just like you"  I don't lie but I certainly do not go into details.

  I agree this guy has not moved past his ex, still holds a torch for her 14 years later and No Woman will ever live up to her in his mind.  Know this please.  This is in his mind because she cheated and ruined it leaving him rejected so he wants her back.  She could be a fat hag right now 14 years later but in his mind he has created her into the perfect woman for himself.  You are competing with a fantasy, I am sorry but he shouldn't be dating anyone.

 This isn't yours to fix so don't even try, just exit and heal up.  You should not feel this bad this soon.  Imagine what it will be like in 6 months.  Protect yourself and leave this before he does more damage to you with  his careless and heartless words.

Lost

[Coily]

Having been in a similar position to you BF, let me walk through how I though about things when playing stupid games of exes.

I have an ex that i spent years with when I was in my early 20s; she was the standard that I calibrated off of; and due to how things ended I pined for her for a long time. Even 20-ish years later she's the barometer who I compare others off of.   There are the occasional moment where it's like a flash back to back then, luckily I keep my mouth shut about it, or at least I do now.

I remember when a different ex asked me about how she compared to my first; and after arguing why it mattered I just threw out all of the good qualities. I intended it as complimentary also how my tastes have matured or changed. Naturally it wasn't taken as intended, and yes physical comparisons were made (how else do you respond when asked "How do the bosoms compare?"). Of course things ended, though for a cavalcade of other problems, but this was thrown in my face as me not moving on. Ha

On 7/27/2024 at 10:31 AM, RobustMouse said:

to my surprise, he got irritated with me. “Your upset about that?? I am with YOU now, not then!!!” He had a very bad day that day and said he had been looking forward for to seeing me.

If I have a bad day and then hit with how upset I made someone, I would be irritated and defensive too. I would have probably envisioned a nice evening just hanging out and seeing the woman I was dating. I'm snappy when I'm having a bad day, because I'm human.

While you are absolutely justified in this being a vexing point in your relationship, are there good qualities that make you feel valued by this guy?  Only you can answer that. If it's something you can't let go, then lesson learned and move on to someone who knows not to play that game.

Take some time and reflect on how things have been prior to this moment. There is no right or wrong answer; if it's going to ruin the relationship going forward that's fair. If you want to work past this, then do so. Often we are the only ones responsible for how we feel about things.

[yogacat]

9 minutes ago, Coily said:

I remember when a different ex asked me about how she compared to my first; and after arguing why it mattered I just threw out all of the good qualities. I intended it as complimentary also how my tastes have matured or changed. Naturally it wasn't taken as intended, and yes physical comparisons were made (how else do you respond when asked "How do the bosoms compare?"). Of course things ended, though for a cavalcade of other problems, but this was thrown in my face as me not moving on. Ha

Such a strong point. I mean, if they're going to ask the question, I suppose it's akin to asking your BF/GF "honey, do I look fat in these jeans?"

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

If have a bad day and then hit with how upset I made someone, I would be irritated and defensive too.

@CoilyI'm sorry my friend this^^ is a complete cop out.

In this case, HE was the one who made the asinine comments about his ex's boobs, butt, how every man wanted her etc etc.

How did he think she was going to react?  

So she speaks up and he starts screaming at her?  Really? 

I'm with you now!!!!  I had a bad day, I don't need this s***!!!  Paraphrasing.

Not acceptable. 

That said, his defensive reaction and you stating you would have had the same defensive reaction further proves the point I made in a different thread --  that it's never a good idea to confront a man when he says or does something that is hurtful to you or breaks a boundary or goes against your own values. 

Simply distance yourself.  He's not stupid he will know exactly why you've distanced.  Leave him be to reflect on his own hurtful actions.  If he has it in him to apologize, he will.

If he doesn't, let it go and move on.

I know there are many people who disagree with this approach, but as I stated in that other thread, I have NEVER experienced anything positive by directly confronting my boyfriend or talking about my "feelings" re how his behavior hurt me etc.  

He always felt attacked no matter how gentle or non-accusatory I was when discussing. 

You pretty much just confirmed that @Coily.  And you're a good guy!  Not some a**hole.  

In this case, after the remark about her boobs, butt and how every man wanted her, I would have politely excused myself and LEFT the scene.  

Or if he was at mine, politely ask him to leave. Tell him I'm suddenly not feeling well or something. No harsh words, no drama. 

Leave him be to reflect.

We teach people how to treat us through our own responses to their actions. True for both men and women.

After only 33 days, I would have chosen to never see or speak with him again.

Life is too damn short for such nonsense. 

JMO

[Coily]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@CoilyI'm sorry my friend this^^ is a complete cop out.

In this case, HE was the one who made the asinine comments about his ex's boobs, butt, how every man wanted her etc etc.

How did he think she was going to react?  

So she speaks up and he starts screaming at her?  Really? 

I'm with you now!!!!  I had a bad day, I don't need this s***!!!  Paraphrasing.

Not acceptable. 

That said, his defensive reaction and you stating you would have had the same defensive reaction further proves the point I made in a different thread --  that it's never a good idea to confront a man when he says or does something that is hurtful to you or breaks a boundary or goes against your own values. 

Simply distance yourself.  He's not stupid he will know exactly why you've distanced.  Leave him be to reflect on his own hurtful actions.  Let him come to you apologizing.

If he doesn't, let it go and move on.

I know there are many people who disagree with this approach, but as I stated in that other thread, I have NEVER experienced anything positive by directly confronting my boyfriend or talking about my "feelings" re how his behavior hurt me etc.  

He always felt attacked no matter how gentle or non-accusatory I was when discussing. 

You pretty much just confirmed that @Coily.

In this case, after the remark about her boobs, butt and how every man wanted her, I would have politely excused myself and LEFT the scene.  

After only 33 days, I would have chosen to never see or speak with him again.

Life is too damn short for such nonsense. 

JMO

 

So one should always be gracious when having a bad day? Sorry I can't buy that, not even for a dollar. Now screaming and such, not acceptable; but firmly stating that this isn't a good time for such an intimate discussion is the correct route.

Also, yeah sorry but a man isn't allowed to be defensive just as a woman can be?  Heat of the moment happens for all of us, we're human. Perhaps it's best to not to make a life changing decision in the midst of a petty and silly disagreement. Which I firmly believe that this scenario is petty and silly.

Let's be frank, sometimes the more gentle the tone the more venom can be interpreted. Like the "does this make my butt look big?" comment, it's a mine field in some of these discussions.

I think a better sign of mutual maturity is learning to drop such tense and meaningless topics; and learning to appreciate the proactive positives that are going on in a relationship. I don't think he was right, not do I think the OP is wrong; but neither is going to gain anything from such a fruitless topic.

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Coily said:

So one should always be gracious when having a bad day?

No of course not, you missed my entire point. 

They should have never had the "ratings" discussion in the first place and HE should have never made the asinine comments about his ex's boobs, butt, etc. .

Bad day or not, SHE should not have confronted him and instead chosen to simply distance herself.  Leave or politely ask him to leave. 

Give him time to reflect on his hurtful words/actions and she should reflect as well.

Let things cool off and circle back later.  Or not and end the relationship.

In this case, after only a month?  End it, there is nothing good here.  

Hope that clarifies and again jmo and what has worked well for me in my relationships. 😀

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

To add:

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Also, yeah sorry but a man isn't allowed to be defensive just as a woman can be?

Again course not.  This is not gender specific, if a woman said or did something that hurt her partner, the same applies to her.

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Now screaming and such, not acceptable; but firmly stating that this isn't a good time for such an intimate discussion is the correct route.

First of all, how was she to know he was having a "bad day"? Is she (or any woman) a mind reader?

Again, they had just had the "ratings" discussion, he had just made the asinine comments about his ex's boobs, butt, etc.

Suddenly after she tells him she found his choice of words describing his ex's body parts hurtful, he begins screaming that he's having a bad day?

What's bolded in the above quote would have been better but tbh, if this had been me and I made the mistake of confronting him and he responded with that, I would not be sticking around.  I would have politely left or asked him to leave.

I don't stick around in situations when feeling hurt or angry; if we cannot discuss and resolve like two grown adults right then and there, there is no point in hanging around. 

I wouldn't have a good time nor would I imagine he would either.

Same if roles were reversed.  If I said or did something hurtful and my boyfriend confronted me and I responded with "I don't want to discuss now, I'm having a bad day" (which I never would), I would fully expect him to want to leave and leave.

[Anonymous]

On 7/27/2024 at 7:31 AM, RobustMouse said:

it hurt like hell when he said she was his first in terms of  beauty. In all fairness he was not my top and was not bothered by it. 

To be fair, she also said he was not the most physically attractive either. If they are comparing how ex's look, I am sure she also said thinks she found attractive in the guys she knew. Two people were playing the game, two people were probably making asinine comments. Yes, he was wrong to say what he said. But she isn't a victim if she was engaging in it as well. It was mutually assured self destruction by engaging in something that was bound to lead to hurt feelings.

5 hours ago, Coily said:

If I have a bad day and then hit with how upset I made someone, I would be irritated and defensive too. I would have probably envisioned a nice evening just hanging out and seeing the woman I was dating. I'm snappy when I'm having a bad day, because I'm human.

We've all said something in anger or frustration that we regret saying. If you are dealing with several other issues and your fuse is running short, you are more likely to lash out. Doesn't make it right. But it's understandable. 

She was perfectly okay to mention she was hurt by his comments. Unfortunately, the timing was bad. What's needed is a calm discussion where both can state their feelings and try to understand each other's views. 

Of course, if he still lashes out even when he's in a better mood or if he dismisses her problems again, then she absolutely shouldn't be with him. Others may disagree and do what's right for them, but I think it's worth it to give things an honest try when both are in a position to really speak about it maturely, especially given how neither side are innocent with the whole game in the first place.

5 hours ago, Coily said:

Take some time and reflect on how things have been prior to this moment. There is no right or wrong answer; if it's going to ruin the relationship going forward that's fair. If you want to work past this, then do so. Often we are the only ones responsible for how we feel about things.

Agreed.