Late blooming bisexual having issues in bed

[Amie11]

Hi, I am a woman in my 50s, I was married to a man for over 20 years and I have young adult kids. Over the last two years I have been dating the love of my life, a woman of the same age, also divorced with kids. Neither of us had ever been in a same sex relationship or even suspected we were into women, but when we met and became friends we almost immediately fell head over heals in love and it soon became clear that the chemistry between us was just mental, and so we ventured into the unknown...

We haven't come out as bi/lesbian yet, except to a few close friends as we wanted to see where it was going first, and her kids are still pretty young. We are love each other deeply, get along in every way, she is my soulmate and I have never been this close to anyone. We are also immensely physically attracted to each other and the slightest touch can turn us both on, BUT once we actually make love things don't always click. we are both clueless about lesbian intimacy and have been working on it really hard, but we both miss penetrative sex and find it hard to be 'satisfied' by each other in that way. We tried toys and strap-ons but it just does not feel the same.

We have now decided to pause the physical relationship as it was causing some stress and anxiety for her in particular, and I am just heartbroken and so worried that I might lose her because of the fact that neither of us can grow a penis. I guess I am hoping someone here would have some advice for me, or some experience to share on how to navigate this? Thank you for reading my little outpouring...

[Batya33]

I am straight and in my 50s.  I was clueless about sex until I tried it as far as how it would feel to me personally but I would think if you truly have chemistry and passion it falls into place more or less and if you have an established foundation of a relationship you talk about what you like and don't like, what you'd like to try.  If you like touching and are turned on why not do that -why pause the whole thing? Work up to the sexual aspects and perhaps get some books/videos?

[yogacat]

Hmm. I am straight but I think the solution to your problem is love.

True love should transcend something as superficial as sex. It might be an old school approach but does it have to get physical all the time? What about being sweet to each other (you know, those gestures that gives us butterflies)?

I think, the physical side of the relationship is just an aspect of it. It's not the whole relationship.

As for practical advice, I would explore different types of stimulation, not just penetrative sex, to see what feels good. There are so many erogenous zones on the body, not just the genitals.

I know you're both missing penetrative sex, but that is something (without use of artificial devices) that will never be possible in a same-sex relationship. Are you both okay with that trade-off for the love and connection you have with each other?

Communication is also key - talk to each other about what feels good and what doesn't, and be open to trying new things.

Don't put pressure on yourselves to have a certain type of sex or to reach a certain level of satisfaction - just enjoy each other's bodies and the intimacy you share.

But ultimately, try not to let this one aspect of your relationship define its worth. Keep communicating, keep exploring, and keep loving each other - the rest will fall into place.

[catfeeder]

Someone wise once told me that true liberation is learning how to give to your Self everything that you could wish for from another. This allows you to only seek relationships with others from the perspective of desire rather than from one of need.

I'd raise this with my partner. I'd discuss how we can remove the pressure from one another to give us what we can already satisfy ourselves, and then I'd learn how open she would be to incorporating one another into those experiences. You both may learn that it's not necessary for the other to 'perform' when you can each just relax and engage in supporting and enhancing the other's experiences, instead.

 

[ShySoul]

I second everything yogacat said. It's important to communicate and to remember that being intimate doesn't necessarily mean sex and orgasms. Focus on the emotional and mental connection between you, letting the love between you take over. As long as you both enjoy the experience and find it pleasurable, that can be enough. 

I'd add to be patience with each other. This is your first lesbian experience after a lifetime of being with men. It's not something either of you saw coming or are used to. Everything involved in the relationship is new, a first. It may take time to become comfortable with certain aspects. Try not to stress or worry if things aren't always smooth. That doesn't mean there will always be a problem, it may just take a little longer to get there. Patience and understanding can get you through a lot.

[Amie11]

On 7/27/2024 at 11:03 PM, catfeeder said:

Someone wise once told me that true liberation is learning how to give to your Self everything that you could wish for from another. This allows you to only seek relationships with others from the perspective of desire rather than from one of need.

I'd raise this with my partner. I'd discuss how we can remove the pressure from one another to give us what we can already satisfy ourselves, and then I'd learn how open she would be to incorporating one another into those experiences. You both may learn that it's not necessary for the other to 'perform' when you can each just relax and engage in supporting and enhancing the other's experiences, instead.

 

Thanks for your reply catfeeder. I have to say this is one thing that has worked for us in the beginning of our relationship, I don't know why we stopped and became focused on satisfying each other which is where it gets tricky.

[Amie11]

On 7/27/2024 at 8:04 PM, yogacat said:

Hmm. I am straight but I think the solution to your problem is love.

True love should transcend something as superficial as sex. It might be an old school approach but does it have to get physical all the time? What about being sweet to each other (you know, those gestures that gives us butterflies)?

I think, the physical side of the relationship is just an aspect of it. It's not the whole relationship.

As for practical advice, I would explore different types of stimulation, not just penetrative sex, to see what feels good. There are so many erogenous zones on the body, not just the genitals.

I know you're both missing penetrative sex, but that is something (without use of artificial devices) that will never be possible in a same-sex relationship. Are you both okay with that trade-off for the love and connection you have with each other?

Communication is also key - talk to each other about what feels good and what doesn't, and be open to trying new things.

Don't put pressure on yourselves to have a certain type of sex or to reach a certain level of satisfaction - just enjoy each other's bodies and the intimacy you share.

But ultimately, try not to let this one aspect of your relationship define its worth. Keep communicating, keep exploring, and keep loving each other - the rest will fall into place.

yogacat, your reply brought me to tears. I spoke to her about this and told her what you said and we both think you are absolutely right. We are going to focus on being intimate and enjoying the connection and each other's bodies but will avoid sex for a while and just let our love guide us.

I have also learned that I need to communicate better in bed, I didn't even know there was an issue!

I think we were both so determined to make this switch from straight to *** in a very short time and neither of us wanted to admit that we were struggling until it became an issue that nearly broke us.

We both feel like the last few days have brought us even closer. We really have something very special, the kind of connection I thought only existed in books and my imagination so this trade off is absolutely worth it!

And if anyone that reads this thinks it is impossible to find the love and connection you need, please know that it does exist. That you don't need to settle for the sake of not being alone. That true love sometimes comes in shapes and colors and genders and at a stage of life you don't expect, you just need to open yourself up to it!

[Amie11]

On 7/27/2024 at 11:05 PM, ShySoul said:

I second everything yogacat said. It's important to communicate and to remember that being intimate doesn't necessarily mean sex and orgasms. Focus on the emotional and mental connection between you, letting the love between you take over. As long as you both enjoy the experience and find it pleasurable, that can be enough. 

I'd add to be patience with each other. This is your first lesbian experience after a lifetime of being with men. It's not something either of you saw coming or are used to. Everything involved in the relationship is new, a first. It may take time to become comfortable with certain aspects. Try not to stress or worry if things aren't always smooth. That doesn't mean there will always be a problem, it may just take a little longer to get there. Patience and understanding can get you through a lot.

Thank you so much for your reply. Patience and understanding and communication are so important!

[Amie11]

On 7/27/2024 at 1:20 PM, Batya33 said:

I am straight and in my 50s.  I was clueless about sex until I tried it as far as how it would feel to me personally but I would think if you truly have chemistry and passion it falls into place more or less and if you have an established foundation of a relationship you talk about what you like and don't like, what you'd like to try.  If you like touching and are turned on why not do that -why pause the whole thing? Work up to the sexual aspects and perhaps get some books/videos?

Batya33, I appreciate your advice. I am looking into some books to guide us, do you have any recommendations?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Amie11 said:

Batya33, I appreciate your advice. I am looking into some books to guide us, do you have any recommendations?

Not related to women who have sex with women.  But I know they exist -honestly just browse at your local library or if  you live near a gay bookstore I'm sure they have a section like that. Good luck!

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Amie11 said:

Thanks for your reply catfeeder. I have to say this is one thing that has worked for us in the beginning of our relationship, I don't know why we stopped and became focused on satisfying each other which is where it gets tricky.

Well you were there, and she was there -so you both made a choice or one of you went along with the other -that is information you can figure out and with that information you can make a different choice.  

[Leonking]

On 7/27/2024 at 12:15 PM, Amie11 said:

Hi, I am a woman in my 50s, I was married to a man for over 20 years and I have young adult kids. Over the last two years I have been dating the love of my life, a woman of the same age, also divorced with kids. Neither of us had ever been in a same sex relationship or even suspected we were into women, but when we met and became friends we almost immediately fell head over heals in love and it soon became clear that the chemistry between us was just mental, and so we ventured into the unknown...

We haven't come out as bi/lesbian yet, except to a few close friends as we wanted to see where it was going first, and her kids are still pretty young. We are love each other deeply, get along in every way, she is my soulmate and I have never been this close to anyone. We are also immensely physically attracted to each other and the slightest touch can turn us both on, BUT once we actually make love things don't always click. we are both clueless about lesbian intimacy and have been working on it really hard, but we both miss penetrative sex and find it hard to be 'satisfied' by each other in that way. We tried toys and strap-ons but it just does not feel the same.

We have now decided to pause the physical relationship as it was causing some stress and anxiety for her in particular, and I am just heartbroken and so worried that I might lose her because of the fact that neither of us can grow a penis. I guess I am hoping someone here would have some advice for me, or some experience to share on how to navigate this? Thank you for reading my little outpouring...

If you guys love each other so much and it's only a physical intimacy problem, why not seeing a sex therapist? When I realized I was bi I dug through it, did everything and seen everything to understand what it's like to be with the same gender, some stuff look alike and some stuff doesn't, you two need to find a mutual pace at finding out what you like, and in case of two women... well... that could include contraptions and extras... My bestfriend is a blazing lesbian, who only ever had one girlfriend in her life and still with her, but I know for a fact they have this secret box full little toys to help them get off with each other. But they didn't get these on a "let's try everything and we'll see" they paid attention to what is missing in their sexual relationship and looked for stuff. But the thing my friend always tells me is this : she loves, freaking loves, giving pleasure to her girlfriend more than for herself. Not saying that's not your case but what I mean is I think you guys need some extra help to get this through and it's ok to be afraid and clueless, just get back together in bed and take things from 0. And again, try to see for a sex therapist.