Trust in marriage: Nagging doubts vs silence

[IMCTDAM]

Posting here for advice on a situation that has been troubling me for months.

Wife ‘41F’ and I (39M) have been married 1.5 years dated for 1 year before that. Both got married knowing we both wanted two children in the near future given our ages.

Relationship was rocky after our first born which is fairly normal. Things got even worse after our child’s first birthday and I suggested I wasn’t sure I wanted the second. As things got worse (verbal abuse towards me and threatening to take our baby back to her home country to win arguments) I suggested couples
Therapy but she refused. We discussed potential separation and divorce and coparenting but she would always be evasive and get hostile to shut down the communication.

This was further met with hostility, threats and general attempts to get me to back down from calmly considering a breakup. A few weeks later she suddenly agrees to couples therapy. The day of the appointment she lets me know she just took a test and she’s pregnant with our second. It was announced to me in a manner that was chilling (hard to describe). But it wasn’t congratulatory or that she was excited, it was more matter of fact and like she wanted to preface the therapy session. I told her I’d like to stay married and raise the children in an intact household and work towards improving things.

We were sexually active around that time and I had assumed she was on the pill so I own that.

Now we are many months into the pregnancy and I still feel nagging suspicion for the fact that she might have stopped taking her B.C. to force the second child and keep me around for now. The issue is trust I think. She has changed her story a few times regarding the birth control (initially suggesting she had food poisoning around that time, followed by her telling her friends she was using expired pills by accident). I have no proof but to me it is an integrity/trust thing. 

I told myself to accept my reality and raise my babies with love and do my best in this marriage but months later part of me is worried if there was manipulative intentions here, could there be worse waiting for me or my kids in the future? Ie doing what she wants regardless of the cost.

There has been instances of her ignoring my feelings, gaslighting me in arguments, refusing to admit guilt for far more benign things, and general anger pre pregnancies but in isolation they didn’t seem concerning (nobody is perfect).

 I’m wondering if I should do anything with these doubts (if so what) or suck it up and focus on raising these kids?
 

[ShySoul]

Are you still doing the couples therapy? There are far too many issues in this relationship for anyone on an online forum to be able to give a proper analysis on what you should be doing. The person you need to talk to is the professional you have been working with. They know what has been going on and the problems between you. They will be able to guide you on your suspicions and how to act upon them. 

Your most will most likely be greeted by people saying how toxic she is and urging you to run immediately. And yes, she does not sound like a good person and certainly not someone you want to raise a child with. But you would be making a serious accusation without proof. With this woman that is likely to set off even more problems. You need to prepare yourself for all possible outcomes before you say anything to her, and talking with a professional can help you with that process. 

Above all else though, think of the children. They had no choice in the situation they were are or beng born into. Protecting them and creating an environment that will be safe and free of drama should be the top priority. Is this woman someone who wil be a good mother to them? Do you want them raised by someone who ignores anothers feelings and gaslights him? Would she ever treat them as she seems to treat you? If the two of you can't work out your issues, if she isn't willing to change her behavior, then it will be more damaging for your children if you "suck it up" and stay in a marriage where neither of you are happy. 

When children are involved, it is a sticky situation. I'm sorry you have to endure this.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, IMCTDAM said:

I’m wondering if I should do anything with these doubts (if so what)

Well, I think the real question you're not asking yourself is this: do you still want to be married to her? 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, IMCTDAM said:

Now we are many months into the pregnancy and I still feel nagging suspicion for the fact that she might have stopped taking her B.C. to force the second child and keep me around for now.

Yeah, "No S Sherlock".

Its clear that you are both married just so you could have kids. Which is downright the worst reason to even be married at all. Because you are prioritizing making children and not making children with somebody who is a good partner to you. Because she clearly is not that. So you have, not just doomed yourself with staying there and making more kids, but doomed that kids as well. Because being a kid in a dysfunctional family has been proven to be equally bad as being in a single parent household. So congratulations, you with your desire to have kids have brought 2(well, 1 and 1 on the way) who would have future problems because you couldnt prioritize your choice of partners and just wanted to copulate and reproduce.

[IMCTDAM]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Are you still doing the couples therapy? There are far too many issues in this relationship for anyone on an online forum to be able to give a proper analysis on what you should be doing. The person you need to talk to is the professional you have been working with. They know what has been going on and the problems between you. They will be able to guide you on your suspicions and how to act upon them. 

Your most will most likely be greeted by people saying how toxic she is and urging you to run immediately. And yes, she does not sound like a good person and certainly not someone you want to raise a child with. But you would be making a serious accusation without proof. With this woman that is likely to set off even more problems. You need to prepare yourself for all possible outcomes before you say anything to her, and talking with a professional can help you with that process. 

Above all else though, think of the children. They had no choice in the situation they were are or beng born into. Protecting them and creating an environment that will be safe and free of drama should be the top priority. Is this woman someone who wil be a good mother to them? Do you want them raised by someone who ignores anothers feelings and gaslights him? Would she ever treat them as she seems to treat you? If the two of you can't work out your issues, if she isn't willing to change her behavior, then it will be more damaging for your children if you "suck it up" and stay in a marriage where neither of you are happy. 

When children are involved, it is a sticky situation. I'm sorry you have to endure this.

Yes. That process is ongoing and my wife has been coming with me. During the intake meeting (solo) even the couples therapist mentioned it was a bit interesting how she told me about the pregnancy test and the timing but I would need to seek a personal therapist to discuss that further as they cannot hide things discussed from the other partner in couples therapy apparently. 
 

yes I agree with your points here. I think she is a very good mom so far. she doesn’t have a lot of emotional bandwidth however (Eg she is quick to tell my 1 year old to stop whining or crying because it bothers her to hear it). This seems like she cannot tolerate the uncomfortable emotions. This is where staying married is immensely beneficial for the kids because I let my toddler feel her feels as it doesn’t deregulate me. I fear when they are adults she may treat them as she treats me but it’s very difficult to say. The reality is even if we divorce she will get at least 50% custody (or more: one of her threats to me was she would make it difficult to see my daughter if we got divorced).
 I’ll have no say in how these kids are spoken to or treated when I’m not around. Especially who she introduces them to if she decides to date again. Whereas now my wife works her preferred job which keeps her out of the house most evenings and even some weekends. This has been a major reason for me managing the turmoil till now. I cherish the extra time with my child despite balancing burnout with my job at times.
 

The other wild card is I earn 4-5x her pay and pay the vast majority of our bills. i would likely be liable for significant alimony to keep her standard of living stable. This would remove my ability to give my children a chance at financial stability long term (currently saving for their future college fees, and paying off our mortgage).
 

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Well, I think the real question you're not asking yourself is this: do you still want to be married to her? 

As genuine as I want to answer this, I accept that after bringing a child into this world it matters a little less than it would if I was childless. I keep telling myself as long as there’s no physical abuse or further threats and she’s keeps coming to couples therapy it’s worth staying married. 

I guess it sounds like I should seek a therapist for myself to go through these questions. 
 

I genuinely appreciate both of you for responding and offering your perspective. 

[IMCTDAM]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah, "No S Sherlock".

Its clear that you are both married just so you could have kids. Which is downright the worst reason to even be married at all. Because you are prioritizing making children and not making children with somebody who is a good partner to you. Because she clearly is not that. So you have, not just doomed yourself with staying there and making more kids, but doomed that kids as well. Because being a kid in a dysfunctional family has been proven to be equally bad as being in a single parent household. So congratulations, you with your desire to have kids have brought 2(well, 1 and 1 on the way) who would have future problems because you couldnt prioritize your choice of partners and just wanted to copulate and reproduce.

I guess it’s difficult to convey in a post but we did have a great time getting to know each other the first year and I felt we had enough positives to overwhelm the compatibility faults. I do have a lot of love and respect for her and have told her I would coparent with her fairly. She just was not this combative or attacking before we got engaged. Things really took a turn post marriage and especially post child with low sleep and the hormone volatility post delivery (although she claims to never have had postpartum).

[yogacat]

17 hours ago, IMCTDAM said:

Now we are many months into the pregnancy and I still feel nagging suspicion for the fact that she might have stopped taking her B.C. to force the second child and keep me around for now. The issue is trust I think. She has changed her story a few times regarding the birth control (initially suggesting she had food poisoning around that time, followed by her telling her friends she was using expired pills by accident). I have no proof but to me it is an integrity/trust thing. 

I feel your wife is manipulating you by stopping her birth control pills without telling you, and then trying to trap you into staying in the marriage by getting pregnant. Wow, that's such a serious betrayal.

[smackie9]

Now that there is two....get yourself a vasectomy. Then discreetly visit a lawyer for some legal advice...not saying get divorced...just have some security if in the event things don't work out. Have some preparedness. 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, IMCTDAM said:

I keep telling myself as long as there’s no physical abuse or further threats and she’s keeps coming to couples therapy it’s worth staying married. 

This is a legitimate position, especially since you are invested in how your children will be raised, and you also haven't yet had the benefit of learning how well the couple's therapy might help. I'd make a point of finding the right moment to ask myself whether I believe that I can approach this work from the perspective of both of us being on the same side rather than as adversaries. I'd also find the right time to ask this of your wife.

One important exercise you can do regardless of whether you use the therapist's time for this is to lead yourself back to the start of your relationship and happier days. See how well you can bring your wife on this memory walk, and see whether this can inspire some unity between the two of you in doing this work.

There's no need to identify all of the problems during such a time, that will all come out in your work. Think of the therapist as holding up guardrails for the two of you to explore such problems respectfully. Think of the therapist as teaching you both how to 'fight fair'.

Quote

I guess it sounds like I should seek a therapist for myself to go through these questions. 

Yes, objective input can be helpful regardless of where it leads you. Asking questions of yourself in front of the therapist and asking the therapist for objective inputs is also a better bang for your buck than just venting.

I think you're smart for exploring possibilities rather than jumping to conclusions at this time. However, if you find yourself too deep in the weeds, it would also be smart to get legal advice. This doesn't mean waiting until you are ready to pursue a divorce. Just the opposite, it's about gathering information about your rights and options in your location. Also the best steps to take for each option, and what those steps would entail. This will allow you to operate on real information rather than reacting to threats or operating on emotions alone.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, IMCTDAM said:

This seems like she cannot tolerate the uncomfortable emotions. This is where staying married is immensely beneficial for the kids because I let my toddler feel her feels as it doesn’t deregulate me. I fear when they are adults she may treat them as she treats me but it’s very difficult to say. The reality is even if we divorce she will get at least 50% custody (or more: one of her threats to me was she would make it difficult to see my daughter if we got divorced).

It's not beneficial to the children if 50% of the time they are being yelled at for being children. Babies/toddlers cry. Alot. I don't have children and have rarely been around around ones that young. But I know that. What did she expect would happen when she had children? That they would be angels who sat quietly and didn't move? I understand it being tiring and getting fustrated at times. But for the child's sake you have to be able to control yourself. It's not about what bothers her, it's about what the child needs to calm down.

Threats of custody is her manipulating you to get you to stay. You don't need proof on the birth control, she's demonstrated her intent right there. That is also a typical threat made by those who are causing issues in the marriage. 

6 hours ago, IMCTDAM said:

The other wild card is I earn 4-5x her pay and pay the vast majority of our bills. i would likely be liable for significant alimony to keep her standard of living stable. This would remove my ability to give my children a chance at financial stability long term (currently saving for their future college fees, and paying off our mortgage).

Obviously consult a lawyer on the legal options should you eventually go that route. But I would think given her behavior and the fact that you are the primary source of income, it could be argued you should have primary custody. Don't listen to her threats of keeping the children away. You are clearly the better parent. Make note of or document anything that might be useful down the line in this regard.

Even if you have to take setback financially, the benefit to everyone's mental health is worth it. It's not good for a child to grow up in an environment where there parents don't get along. Doing it for the children isn't usually a good idea. Children can pick up on tensions that exist. Even if they don't understand what is happening or why, they know something is wrong. 

Talk to a personal therapist if that will help. Do what you feel is right for you and your family. But know that there are other options and you don't have to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy or miserable. 

[tattoobunnie]

Sorry, if this has been worked out and I'm just rehashing, but wanted to comment.

You both agreed to try to have two kids.  

You renege on this, but choose to have sex with her without protection.  Take some accountability here.

ALL MOTHERS HAVE LITTLE TO NO BANDWIDTH AS A FIRST TIME MOM WITH A BABY THAT ARE ALSO WORKING FULL-TIME.  You make "4 to 5 times" more than her, but she needs to keep working, and being a fully engaging wife?  As you probably earn more, I am going to assume you work a lot more, and she affords you to do so - Are you doing your part in childcare, what it takes to run a household?  Shopping, meal planning, paying bills, landscaping, home repairs, pediatrician appointments, staying home when they are sick.  And do this without having to be asked?

And, the most you are most worried about is alimony.  That already tells me you don't value her contributions.

Why would she have congratulated you when you are threatening divorce? God, her telling you probably was beyond stressful.  And now you are convinced she manipulated you and is evil - no you had sex without a condom.  Babies happen.  If you want a working marriage, be a better partner.

It does not matter how much you make.  Your house is also your home. Your child is also your child.  You both need to take care of them together.