Cosytoes Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 Boyfriend comments on my weight, I’m not huge and I have not put on weight since I met him, if that I’ve probably lost weight. When I met him he was a little bigger now he has gained muscle and dramatically lost lots of weight. He go “ewww” if he sees me naked. Now I don’t change in front of him. He comments on my skin (I have rosacea) he comment he doesn’t like how I look without make up. Even when I do have makeup he criticises. I’ve always been told by people I’m beautiful, have a good figure. My house is clean apart from leaving a couple of dishes occasionally, he says I’m lazy (I run my own business and work part time)and unclean, he says I’m boring. Everyone says my house is lovely and tidy my friends all mention how immaculate it is. To me it’s not perfect and of course it’s not going to be spotless 100% of the time because it’s lived in. I’m tired of the constant criticism and him telling me all my “flaws”. I’m starting to realise this is becoming an abusive relationship. I mentioned a few weeks back something triggered me that took my back to when I was raped a few years ago (I’ve had therapy but sometimes have low days) he now “mocks” me for it. This is beyond toxic. He is autistic. When I talk to him about this he says it’s just jokes and I had to write a list of things he shouldn’t “joke” about. I think I’ve been in denial for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 Who cares what the label is? He is acting like a jerk whether it's abusive or not - why are you putting up with this?? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 You don’t need to build a case against someone who mistreats you in order to exit the relationship. There are no judges or juries who must declare someone abusive to grant you permission to walk away. You are entitled to do that regardless of whether anyone else agrees with your decision. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. If you’re tired of wasting the best years of your life on someone who doesn’t appreciate you, then why wait? Go! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 You gave him the benefit of the doubt. You tried to be understanding. You tried to address the issue and get him to understand what he was doing was wrong. You've done everything you could given the circumstances. If he is still saying things, then it is on him and you don't need to put up with it. This is not your fault. Don't blame yourself or feel bad for staying as long as you have. The important thing is to remove yourself from a situation that isn't making you happy. You should be with some who isn't going to criticize. Instead the right person will compliment you and build up your self esteem, making you feel better about the person you are. You deserve nothing less. Hope things improve for you, whatever you have to do to get there. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 You're right. It's toxic. So what are you doing to do about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 Its true that autism spectrum has some forms that are not really "emphatic". Meaning that he doesnt have a filter what he is about to say or no and how it would affect you. So it could be true that its because of his state he is that way. However, that doesnt mean you have to live with that. His condition or not, him trying to make you feel bad about your body or your house hygiene, is a form of abuse. So yes, from that side you could say that you are in an abusive relationship. And you would be wise not to tolerate that kind of talk anymore. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosytoes Posted July 27 Author Share Posted July 27 12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said: Its true that autism spectrum has some forms that are not really "emphatic". Meaning that he doesnt have a filter what he is about to say or no and how it would affect you. So it could be true that its because of his state he is that way. However, that doesnt mean you have to live with that. His condition or not, him trying to make you feel bad about your body or your house hygiene, is a form of abuse. So yes, from that side you could say that you are in an abusive relationship. And you would be wise not to tolerate that kind of talk anymore. Yes he do have a filter and definitely lacks empathy at times. But as the relationship has gone on it has became worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosytoes Posted July 27 Author Share Posted July 27 13 hours ago, TeeDee said: You're right. It's toxic. So what are you doing to do about it? I know this is going to sound lame but I’m so lonely that I feel like I need him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 21 minutes ago, Cosytoes said: I’m so lonely that I feel like I need him. Need him for what, exactly? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 He is absolutely awful to you. He enjoys putting you down and degrading you to boost his ego. Honey, you need to leave him. He is BAD for you. There's nothing that will change if you stay longer. He is a mean, manipulative and cruel partner to you. That is a huge valid reason to run to the hills. And you don't need his approval to do end this. Trust your judgement of the situation. 2 hours ago, Cosytoes said: I’m so lonely that I feel like I need him. Do you not have friends? Family? Hobbies? I assure you that there are so many lovely things to do that will leave you way happier and that don't involve such partner. You were single before meeting him, and you can be single afterwards. You will be okay 🩷 What are you exactly afraid of? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 5 hours ago, Cosytoes said: I know this is going to sound lame but I’m so lonely that I feel like I need him. It's not lame -you feel what you feel. And that's not fair to the other person to use a person out of a sense of need or loneliness. It smells bad and people around you will be turned off or very annoyed at the neediness -it permeates whether you actually say something or not. We all have times of neediness and our partners should be there if at all possible -but times of -not a basis for the relationship. My son needed me as his mother to feed and diaper him and interact with him and teach him about the world and give him medicine when he was sick and clean up his boo boos and give him hugs when he was hurting and I did all those things even when I was so darn exhausted, even when I was really sick even when I needed space just to breathe or -gasp- have a sip of actually hot coffee. But my husband and I are together as two independent people who had fun fulfilling lives before we met and continued those lives while being together (ok so what is fun had to change with parenthood but whatever). My husband and I would not be together if either of us were with each other for the feelings you expressed above -never as a core reason never as a steady diet. Please don't give into this feeling and make it how you conduct yourself in relationships or who you choose to be with. It's really harmful and you'll end up feeling even more lame and alone. I'm glad you shared this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 I'm assuming you're in your 20s or 30s and probably have another 60 years on the planet. What do you think would make more sense? To spend the next sixties years having an extra body in the house to look at you and says "Ew." Or, temporarily being without a partner while you work on fulfilling your life solo until you're mentally healthy. And in getting to that healthier mindset of self-love and not behaving out of desperation, you'll finally be free and ready to choose a better partner for yourself. A more mature person knows that delaying gratification, putting in the work before the reward, is far healthier than being like a kid in a candy store without anyone stopping her from grabbing and eating all that candy for instant gratification. We all know that would eventually rot your teeth and make you sick, just as metaphorically this man is sickening your soul. Let's assume that freeing yourself to work on yourself for two years, and then you dated someone whom you saw after a year had longterm potential since he treats you like the special person you are. Well, now how would the next fifty-plus years look to you that you have left on the planet? Doesn't a sabbatical, time free of being with a man, make more sense for the good of your future? If you don't like your own company, how will you expect a decent man to be attracted to that negative vibe? You have a lot of work to do, so take the first step by breaking up and going no contact. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 I hate to say this but you're a perfect candidate for this type of guy. He is mentally unhinged and the ONLY reason why you are still in it is due to your low self esteem and self worth. Of course through what you've experienced in your life, you need to take control of it, by firstly getting rid of this totally abusive and toxic bf. I gather one of the reasons you keep putting up with it and making excuses for him, is because of the autistic tag. Well, if he is, it's certainly no excuse for his unacceptable and unforgivable actions he's done. He's a sadistic and cruel bully who just uses the autistic ploy to get away with it. At least your eyes are slowly opening, so now do something, because quite frankly there's no life with this misery, agony, mental torture and fear of how you will get blamed for every little thing that goes wrong. The first step in getting out of this toxic relationship is to acknowledge that it is abusive. It's not just about him being critical of your physical appearance or your housekeeping skills. It's about him using your past traumas to mock and belittle you, and about him constantly tearing you down to make himself feel better. Next, seek support from friends and family or even a therapist. Talk to someone you trust about what is happening and ask for help in making a plan to leave the relationship. It can be difficult to leave an abusive relationship, especially if you have been in it for a long time, but having a support system can make all the difference. Also, start working on building your self-esteem and self-worth. Remind yourself of your own beauty and value, regardless of what your boyfriend says. Surround yourself with positive people who lift you up and remind you of your worth. Finally, make a plan to leave the relationship. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, you don't need him to feel good about yourself, or put up with his constant criticism, put downs and cruelty. Take the steps to move on and find someone who will treat you with love, respect, and kindness. You deserve nothing less. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 13 hours ago, Cosytoes said: I know this is going to sound lame but I’m so lonely that I feel like I need him. Yep, that's lame, because you're using him to keep yourself feeling lonely instead of walking away and taking a moment to grieve the loss of your illusions. Then craft a plan for developing your own social life. You have the Internet at your fingertips, so explore potential interests and untapped talents. Find classes, events, clubs, groups, volunteer opportunities, and take some baby steps toward interacting with the world. It sounds difficult, and your first few experiences may be scary, but adopt some resilience and a life skill and make it a goal to make yourself proud. Just keep exploring until you find an interest that clicks. Then pursue a group that supports that interest. Over time, you'll form some friendships and build your confidence. From there, you can explore singles groups or dating apps to start building a new love life--with someone who will value you instead of treat you like a doormat. Head high, you can do this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 Dump him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 15 hours ago, Cosytoes said: I know this is going to sound lame but I’m so lonely that I feel like I need him. It's not lame. Everyone gets lonely. Everyone feels like they need someone. And plenty of people become attached to people who aren't good for them or who make them feel miserable at times. If that is lame, then the majority of this world must be lame with you. You are strong though. You can do anything you want to do. You don't need him. If anything he needs you. You are the one planning everything. You are the one explaining things to him and making lists for him. You run your own business and work part time. You are clearly an intelligent, capable woman. So you have it in you to break away. You also mentioned other friends. He isn't the only person in your life. There are other people who care about you and who treat you far better. Why continue to fixate on the one who puts you down when you can turn to the ones who make you feel good about yourself? You have the strength inside you. Please, believe it is there and do what's best for your emotional and mental well being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy ape Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 he sounds like a massive POS, he says "ewwww" when you get naked? *** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shouldhavelearned Posted July 28 Share Posted July 28 You don't need him. You need someone that will value you and make you happy. Plenty of better men out there. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 29 Share Posted July 29 On 7/27/2024 at 3:06 AM, Cosytoes said: I know this is going to sound lame but I’m so lonely that I feel like I need him. You don't need him. You do need good friends, companionship, people to socialize with. He's too toxic to be any of those things. Your fears are trapping you. Get some therapy. Develop enough self esteem to walk away. Problem is you can't build up self esteem while he's tearing you down every day. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amie11 Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Please don't stay with him. As someone who was married to an emotionally abusive man for a long time I can guarantee that you will not change him, even if you love him with all you have. He will keep doing this to and breaking your spirit and erode all your self worth. It's not worth it. There is someone out there that will be good to you and the sooner you get out of this situation the better for you! 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonking Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 On 7/26/2024 at 5:47 PM, Cosytoes said: Boyfriend comments on my weight, I’m not huge and I have not put on weight since I met him, if that I’ve probably lost weight. When I met him he was a little bigger now he has gained muscle and dramatically lost lots of weight. He go “ewww” if he sees me naked. Now I don’t change in front of him. He comments on my skin (I have rosacea) he comment he doesn’t like how I look without make up. Even when I do have makeup he criticises. I’ve always been told by people I’m beautiful, have a good figure. My house is clean apart from leaving a couple of dishes occasionally, he says I’m lazy (I run my own business and work part time)and unclean, he says I’m boring. Everyone says my house is lovely and tidy my friends all mention how immaculate it is. To me it’s not perfect and of course it’s not going to be spotless 100% of the time because it’s lived in. I’m tired of the constant criticism and him telling me all my “flaws”. I’m starting to realise this is becoming an abusive relationship. I mentioned a few weeks back something triggered me that took my back to when I was raped a few years ago (I’ve had therapy but sometimes have low days) he now “mocks” me for it. This is beyond toxic. He is autistic. When I talk to him about this he says it’s just jokes and I had to write a list of things he shouldn’t “joke” about. I think I’ve been in denial for a while. He looks like he's using degradation to make you change in the way he wants. That's creepy and uncalled for, get out of there while you can, you deserve so much better than this jerk. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 On 7/26/2024 at 11:47 AM, Cosytoes said: I’m tired of the constant criticism and him telling me all my “flaws” That's all you need to form an exit plan. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 2 hours ago, Leonking said: He looks like he's using degradation to make you change in the way he wants. That's creepy and uncalled for, get out of there while you can, you deserve so much better than this jerk. Yes, and the scary thing is that this doesn't just make you feel lousy, it robs your energy so that you're too tired to make a move and you're too down to feel any confidence in your own abilities to build a better life. Once you make a decision, you may be surprised by the energy you will create. Try reaching out to any friends and family who you may have neglected and gain their support. You may end up feeling very inspired to start a whole new life without the vampire draining you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chess103 Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Fu ck this guy. Call him a retard and see how he likes it then dump his sorry pathetic ass. You deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 On 7/26/2024 at 8:47 AM, Cosytoes said: This is beyond toxic. I think I’ve been in denial for a while. The hardest part is realizing it. You know you need to walk away. You can do it. Cosytoes, please let us know how you are doing. We are here for you. You are an amazing, strong, intelligent person. You deserve more then he could ever give you. Respect yourself enough to leave and put him behind you, moving onto better days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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