Am I being unreasonable?

[yogacat]

People are calling him a freeloader because he's out of a job, heaven forbid people have other responsibilities come up at different times and he fall on hard times for a change, and their friend offer a vacation with his child to help out.

Are you jealous of a woman showing up in what YOU think is a competition offering to take an 8 year old on a much needed vacation? It's okay if you are. 

One of the things that people can be very skilled at is to make things more complicated than they already are. It's better to just talk to your boyfriend openly and honestly about your feelings. That being said, there are some important things to keep in mind:

1. You are entitled to your feelings. It's okay to feel hurt or excluded in this situation. 

2. Your boyfriend's child comes first. It's important to remember that he made a promise to his child and he is trying to keep it. 

3. Your boyfriend may have just been trying to save money by accepting the offer of a free holiday. It may not have been his intention to exclude you. 

It's okay if you are feeling weird about it, but think about it this way: he chose you. You've already won. She has been in the picture for a LONG TIME, and he chose YOU. 

Your boyfriend may very well have no ill intentions, this is why we need to talk about all these "just friends," "just business" etc. Because these relationships don't come without quirks. And the thing about quirks is you also have to have a very trusting partner to weather them.

If what they do makes you uncomfortable you have to talk because things are never as black and white.

Or, leave the relationship.

Additionally, it's important to address the financial aspect of the situation. Can you afford to go on this trip? If not, is your boyfriend willing to cover your expenses or split the cost?

If you trust your boyfriend and believe that he has good intentions, then try to be understanding and supportive of his decision to take his child on a vacation. But if you think that there is more to his friendship with this other woman that you can't ignore or accept, then your relationship already has some trust issues that need to be addressed. 

The only thing that makes this different is she is female and you feel threatened by it. It doesn't feel good when your partner has a close friendship with someone of the opposite gender, especially when it involves spending time alone. But it's important to remember that friendships can come in all shapes and sizes, and they are not always threatening to a relationship.

If you think there is more to their friendship then obviously don't ignore it - maybe this is a hard boundary for you that you can't get over and if that's the case then it's time to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

to not automatically assume that the man is up to anything or wrong for having a friendship with another person.

Come on, man. Nobody here even suggested this. That is not the reason posters are taking jssue with this particular situation, and I think you know this. 

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

I'm the only that has shared being in a scenario that is at least somewhat similar - two people of different genders going on a trip when one of them is involved one with someone else.

I have also been on a trip with my dear male friend (who has a girlfriend) I didn't bring it up because it's not even close to what is happening here. 

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Can't I just make a post and state my opinion like everyone else?

Of course. And if we see that your argument doesn't really compare with the one presented by our OP, we're going to point it out. 

[Batya33]

Interestingly no response yet to what the sleeping arrangements would be.  Shysoul I don't find your personal experiences on point here.  I agree with the others.  I don't think you have to have personal experience though -I don't. 

I am close with one of my husband's ex girlfriends but they were never that serious -that's not why it works though -it works because she and I have tons in common, and we ended up marrying and having kids at around the same time so our kids were friendly too.  If she invited my son along with her kids on a trip she wanted to pay for and said that my husband should come too -likely to have the added adults for supervision of teenagers LOL - and if her husband couldn't come I'd be excited about it. 

I am sure the sleeping arrangments would be appropriate, she is my friend too and I'd say go have fun!  However if she said I couldn't come too (meaning even if I offered to pay my own way etc) that would call into question our friendship.  I wouldn't think she had designs on my husband  though (and in this  case it seems fishy because this woman and the girlfriend are not friends and this woman doesn't seem supportive of the relationship).  I would be very upset with her for thinking it was ok to exclude me -the wife and mother! - despite the generous offer.  If I couldn't afford to go at all or couldn't take off work and the trip had to happen then that's fine too -that's not her specifically excluding me.

Two times when we were dating I had situations where women friends invited me to the theater -one time -and a fancy dinner during restaurant week -another time -on a Saturday night.  Just me.  My husband found this inappropriate because it was a Saturday night and therefore either invite us or none.  With the dinner I declined and with the theater we got an extra ticket so we could all go.  I understood his perspective.  When my male friend comes to town as he does once or twice a year we try to meet for lunch either in a group or one on one.  My husband hasn't met him in person but he actually now does IT work for us so my husband is also friendly with him, 

Each and every time my male friend also invites my husband.  Who hasn't been able to go yet.  Each time.  Makes it a point and this was prior to the business dealings too.  That to me is what is appropriate.  And for sure there are couples who would be fine with whatever but I don't think it's "that" individual. I think most exclusive committed couples who aren't in some sort of open arrangement wouldn't be cool with their SO hanging with a person of the opposite gender who wasn't supportive of the relationship - one on one time is totally fine if there's a reason for it - a discussion on a personal level -but that person needs to show that he is generally supportive and also have invitations extended to the spouse whenever possible.  

 

[yogacat]

Years ago me and my female best friend and my best male friend went away for a short vaca. I was single, my best female friend was in a LTR. We all stayed in the same hotel room because it was cheaper and she and I had our own beds, he slept on a cot. She's still with her guy, they've been together for 15+ years. He never had an issue with it.

None of us were romantically interested in the other and we were all young and had a good time together. 

It was never an issue for me because they were friends, I trusted my friends, and I didn't have any reason not to trust the dynamic of them together. That was a big thing for me, the trust. It was just another experience that we all shared together. For me, it was us going away and my guy/female best friend and I teaming up to do stuff in our free time. We walked around and did photography together.

I don't point this out so you'll accept the situation. I think in your boyfriend shoes, maybe he could have declined her offer and come up with a different idea, so you could have joined them. Maybe your boyfriend just got caught up in the "free, fun trip with my little dude" idea though.

I think given your strong hesitation it would be appropriate to say that you're definitely not comfortable with it and while you're certainly not forbidding him to not go, you're uneasy about his choice to travel with her and you hope that instead of traveling you two could do something less expensive on a budget together. 

Will you be alright with footing the bill though? How long has he been out of work due to illness? Is he looking for new work? Is he making an effort to lighten your financial load by finding ways to lower the rent or save money? How long have you been together?

[Batya33]

She shouldn’t forbid him to go. She should forbid herself to put up with his attitude if he does after she shares that she’s uncomfortable. If he’d gotten “caught up” he’d have realized that quickly and changed course. Sometimes one of the “sacrifices” in marriage and parenthood is not having as much freedom to get caught up and act impulsively because of marital and family responsibilities. 

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I have also been on a trip with my dear male friend (who has a girlfriend) I didn't bring it up because it's not even close to what is happening here. 

You're right, it's not. Start back at the baseline: someone wants to be my SO, and live with me, and have me support him financially while he can't work. Yet he has a friend who he's very close to, but he won't introduce me or encourage our getting to know one another.

THAT is a problem, right there. Someone who won't allow you to into his private world? He's hiding something. You don't have to speculate about what that is, but he's compartmentalizing YOU away from the rest of his life for a reason.

So this particular vacation thing isn't the actual issue--it's a symptom of a larger problem. And if he's resistant to addressing that problem with you, it's up to you to decide whether you want to spend the best years of you life devoted to someone who isn't equally devoted to you. And if these are your best fertility years, and creating a loving family is your goal? It makes no sense to waste more of your valuable time investing in this person. IMO, of course.

[LotusBlack]

OP, when did your boyfriend make this promise to his son? While he was working or after he lost his job and was potentially feeling guilty about not being able to do much, so over-committed to something he wasn’t able to see to fruition? In which case, would have been very inappropriate to offer, and actually inconsiderate to his son.

From the outset, what kind of holiday had he had in mind when he made the promise (before his best friend got involved)? Was it always going to be international? Or did he have something much more scaled down in size to reflect his financial situation at the time? If a grand holiday abroad, I would think that would take lots of time to organise and financially plan for. In which case, a discussion would be in order, as I’d assume he’d need to divert some of his income to saving for the trip, which may or may not impact his financial contributions to the household expenses. Either way, it would be a lot and a discussion to be had at the least. Were you not included in his first intentions to take his son away?  Or was it to strictly be a father-son vacay? 

If his plan had been something less grandiose from the beginning, then why can he not continue with that and push it out until a more appropriate time and one he can finance himself? In the meantime, doing something else that is just as fun. Kids that age barely remember the details of a trip in terms of money and actual things. It’s the time with loved ones feeling good and happy that holds value as they grow up and think back on the time. Your little family unit could still make such memories without having to spend a heap of money. For example, camping, going to see some attractions, organising doing something his son has always wanted to try. You could have taken a week off together and done different local things each day that were filled with fun. I guarantee the son would have created great memories with his dad to look back on. An international holiday isn’t necessary for that if he cannot afford it. And even if he had saved up for it, the appropriate and responsible thing to do would be to then prioritise his living expenses instead of having his costs default to you. 

If your boyfriend values all the above, he’d have included you in this special time - if not as someone participating in the holiday itself (if it’s father-son), then certainly the discussions and preparations going into it.

I would have a very real problem with how your boyfriend is handling this whole thing and I think his behaviour in this instance is a good indicator of how he goes about things in general. I’d be viewing us as very incompatible people at this point, regardless of the best friend. Furthermore, I would not be comfortable with someone telling me what I can and cannot afford, particularly if I was the one funding their life at that time.

[ShySoul]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Come on, man. Nobody here even suggested this. That is not the reason posters are taking jssue with this particular situation, and I think you know this.

I see a lot of people jumping to conclusions about the man. They are assuming things about him without any evidence (freeloader and leech, questioning his illness, something going on with the friend, that he is intentionally separating his friend and girlfriend). 

I said it in a sarcastic way, but my point was that we don't have the full picture, so all these assumptions about him are premature. All we know is that he has a female friend who wanted to treat him and his son on a trip. He made the assumption that she wouldn't be able to pay for it, so didn't ask his girlfriend. 

I said he was wrong for not asking and agree on that with everyone else. Otherwise, it's all speculation. We have no clue how the friend feels as she isn't even here to say her side. Roux bee, doesn't believe anything is going on between them, so why shouldn't we trust her on that? It could honestly just be a stupid, careless error on his part. Who amongst us hasn't said or done something thoughtless without realizing it? It didn't mean we were up to something or was reason for a person to give up on us. 

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I have also been on a trip with my dear male friend (who has a girlfriend) I didn't bring it up because it's not even close to what is happening here.

We disagree. I think such an example can show the proper way to handle situations and provide a contrast to what was done. It can also provide a way out - by talking with your partner about your feelings. Because that's really the point of everything I have said.

Talk to a person. Communicate your feelings. Don't assume intent or motivation. Don't hide your feelings or run away from a situation by ignoring it or leaving. Just talk. Be honest and work together with the person who is supposed to be your partner. 

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Of course. And if we see that your argument doesn't really compare with the one presented by our OP, we're going to point it out.

I was trying to keep it light hearted with a silly joke. See the winking face. 

[ShySoul]

17 hours ago, yogacat said:

It's okay if you are feeling weird about it, but think about it this way: he chose you. You've already won. She has been in the picture for a LONG TIME, and he chose YOU. 

Your boyfriend may very well have no ill intentions, this is why we need to talk about all these "just friends," "just business" etc. Because these relationships don't come without quirks. And the thing about quirks is you also have to have a very trusting partner to weather them.

If what they do makes you uncomfortable you have to talk because things are never as black and white.

Thank you. I second this, and every post yogacat has made in this thread. They have been fair to all people involved and are on point. Whatever the outcome turns out to be, this is the best way forward.

@Roux bee Sorry if things seem to have been derailed. The choice on what to do is yours alone. You know him best. You know your relationship. You know how you feel and what you are ok with and not ok with. Trust your instinct. Communicate with your partner. Really have it out if you need to. Do what you feel is right and will be best for you. 

I'm cheering you on and hope that things turn out well. 

[rainbowsandroses]

While I would never discourage someone from communicating her/his feelings when encountering a  behavior from their partner that troubles them or hurts them, goes against their own values and/or breaks a boundary, personally speaking I've never had much luck with it. 

And frankly from reading several threads not just on this forum but others, as well as talking to people and observing the world around me and becoming quite socially aware because of it, I've never read where anything good or positive came from it either.

Why?

When confronted with a behavior(s) their partner dislikes, hurts them or they're uncomfortable with or flat out believes is unacceptable (for them), their partners may become defensive, deny, "flip the script," gaslight, etc which ends up making the person who asked feel guilty for asking or bringing the topic up at all!

Reason being and I'm speaking in the general, there is an overwhelming urge to protect yourself when you feel hurt, shame or anger.

As such, instead of being open to self-reflection and healthy dialogue, your partner may snap back, be sarcastic, give you the silent treatment, or be critical in return.

This has been MY experience.  Not sure if I shared on this thread but when my ex-fiancé got heavily into drugs again after many many years sober and acting erratically and hurtful towards me, I did talk to him about it.  A few times! 

I wanted to just leave because his behavior was extremely hurtful but decided to "talk" to him and share my feelings.

Not in an accusatory way but rather seeking understanding.  

His response? He became defensive, began making derogatory comments toward me, accusing me of being paranoid, insecure, he physically lashed out and came this close to hitting me!

I left after that and refused to speak with him.  When he realized I wasn't coming back, that is when my words sunk in, he apologized for all the BS and he went into rehab!

This is just one example, I have others not quite as dramatic.   But my boyfriend(s) became defensive, attempted to flip the script, gaslight etc.

My takeaway?  Men don't respond well to being confronted and "talking about feelings" especially when confronted with a troubling or hurtful behavior. 

Even when using "I" statements and I asked in a non-accusatory way.  They still felt "attacked" and did not respond well to it.

They respond better to no contact and your distancing yourself from them including ending the relationship if necessary.

Again just MY experience and what I've read and observed.

That said, to OP if you are still even reading, I don't want to discourage you from sharing your feelings in a non-accusatory, open, and honest way, I have just personally not had much luck with it.

It was only after I briefly expressed my concern (which you already have done to a very poor response from him), and I distanced myself, walked out and/or ended the relationship when they began reflecting on their actions and if they cared, were open and willing to making changes. 

We all have our own stories and that's mine fwiw.  One of many (or a few) until I learned to distance myself or end the relationship.  Again THAT is when their self-reflection began. 

Is there an update? I will be gone for a bit but checking in occasionally and would love to know how this plays out, if you've talked to him and what the outcome was.

My fingers are crossed too and hope it all works out the way you hope! 

 

[yogacat]

@rainbowsandrosesI totally get where you're coming from albeit your example is an extreme  -- your ex had a drug addiction that you were speaking about.

The problem with blanket statements is that they convolute circumstances and run in opposition to context.

Not every relationship is the same, not every issue or conflict is the same.

The issue here is that he's traveling with a female friend and for all our own might we twist this into sounding romantic, we can't deny that it is quite possible that her and him have absolutely no romantic connection and their friendship as discussed here isn't inappropriate.

So the question then lies with the poster, if you're not cool with your boyfriend traveling alone with someone of the opposite sex where the friendship itself has been deemed fine these years, then that's your boundary. That's it.

We can either choose to communicate that, head on or we can't in which case, it is then a matter of reflection on one's part and the choice to either stay or leave.

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

While I would never discourage someone from communicating her/his feelings when encountering a  behavior from their partner that troubles them or hurts them, goes against their own values and/or breaks a boundary, personally speaking I've never had much luck with it. 

For me personally it's situational.  If it is troubling or hurtful behavior that's quite different than something that goes against my core values. And depends what boundary.  We all make mistakes, we all have bad days and might say something hurtful to the one we love most.  I don't see the point in being in a long term romantic relationship where it's over because one person said something or did something hurtful and the other person rather than having a discussion with their partner simply throws in the towel.  

Mature partners resist the temptation to get immediately defensive, to lash out/shut out their partner -rather they put the relationship above that as a priority and they'd rather be close than right.  JMHO.

If it goes against my core values, and I see my partner now has changed his core values for some (likely out there/strange) reason I do want to know what's going on, to confirm what I am thinking. I might be wrong, partly wrong, maybe I was wrong all along about his core values if it's a newer relationship. I've chosen not to communicate when it was a new relationship and he chose to get drunk in front of me and his parents and treat me rudely.  No point.  

For the OP there's not that much to discuss since she already knows he wants to go - I'd reconfirm if it's important to her that he plans to go whether or not she is included and whether or not she is comfortable with the arrangement.

JMO.

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, yogacat said:

The problem with blanket statements is that they convolute circumstances and run in opposition to context.

Not every relationship is the same, not every issue or conflict is the same.

Of course not all relationships are the same, I get that.  My story was one example, I've encountered the same response in other relationships, just not that extreme, I posted that.

That it was only after I distanced myself that their self-reflection began.  It's not gender-specific either, both men and women can get defensive, flip the script and gaslight.

And when you read many of these threads, again not just on this forum, it's the same.

I just read a post yesterday from a woman who was hurt by her boyfriend's behavior, she was encouraged to talk to him, she did and he became defensive and attempted to gaslight her!

Anyway, again just sharing MY experience and why I gave her the advice I did back when she first created the thread. 

Apparently I'm not alone with that advice.

She can read all the responses and do what's best and right for her.

And I hope she will return to update because it's clear we all care and hope it works out for her.

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Mature partners resist the temptation to get immediately defensive, to lash out/shut out their partner -rather they put the relationship above that as a priority and they'd rather be close than right.  JMHO.

^^Totally agree and own that my previous boyfriends were obviously not the right fit (putting it mildly).

Nor was I for them!

However, from reading how her boyfriend initially responded to her expressing her discomfort -- by flipping it back on her saying SHE couldn't afford after she already told him she could, this says at least to me, he won't be inclined to have a mature open and honest dialogue about it the second time.

She could try though if she thinks he might and it would make a difference, she knows him best..

Me personally in this situation given his initial response?  

I wouldn't bother.

And frankly, I wouldn't even want to after such a flip response from him.

No thank you..

[Vesna]

On 7/26/2024 at 3:01 PM, Roux bee said:

To add we have been together for a year and a half but dating for a few months beforehand and already knew of each other. He moved in after a few months it was quite quick. When we first got together she seemed to have a big problem with him dating me but it was explained to be that she felt like she was going to lose her friend. I feel terrible as I know my man is in an awkward position as whatever decisions he makes it will disappoint someone. I did suggest he took him on his own but it was dismissed. But I think he’s just not confident to. I suppose we are both just in an awkward position and the situation should have been handled more carefully leading up to it 

You have been together for about two years and how I understand it from previous threads, you have only met your boyfriend’s best female friend a  couple of times? Why is that? I find that odd. And you’ve never been “properly introduced”. Strange.  Also, “she seemed to have a big problem with him dating me…”. I gather from all this that she doesn’t care for you, and why would that be? Maybe because she has romantic feelings for your boyfriend? 

[Vesna]

Just wanted to add that I have read most of the previous posts that said they did not feel there was any romantic relationship going on between the OP’s boyfriend and his best friend.

[Jaunty]

On 7/26/2024 at 9:59 AM, ShySoul said:

 

Some people are just generous and want to help out a friend. 

 

How do you feel about the fact that the OP and the female best friend have never been "properly introduced"?   

How about the fact that the best friend had a big problem with him dating the OP?

In my considerable experience, if a close friend is actively not supportive of a relationship, that friendship invariably turns out to cause strife in the relationship.  It doesn't have to be an opposite sex friendship.   

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

and he became defensive and attempted to gaslight her!

So what - so then the couple chooses how to work through that if they love each other and also want to be together.  Sure at some point there's no point -at some point constant passive aggressive or aggressive behavior that escalates is just a dealbreaker or close to it but I cannot relate to throwing in the towel in that situation especially if the communication wasn't face to face. 

I am sure couples exist where this never happen and never would happen -all such conversations go according to the appropriate script "I'm so sorry I hurt you! How can I help?" Or "yes  you know you're right I should never have agreed to go on a trip with her without checking with you and making sure you were comfortable." I honestly-personally-do not know any couples with this level of seamless conversation - I mean long term committed couples not just people who are newly dating when everything is gushy and blissful.

I just cut a lot more slack for someone-being human/having a bad day/being truly perplexed at what they're being accused of/being told this information and on and on. In the OP's case I think he intended to do what he felt like doing with no regard for her feelings and if that is not the case hopefully he'll own up to it but it also depends how/when she approaches him.

 

[yogacat]

15 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Of course not all relationships are the same, I get that.  My story was one example, I've encountered the same response in other relationships, just not that extreme, I posted that.

That it was only after I distanced myself that their self-reflection began.  It's not gender-specific either, both men and women can get defensive, flip the script and gaslight.

And when you read many of these threads, again not just on this forum, it's the same.

I just read a post yesterday from a woman who was hurt by her boyfriend's behavior, she was encouraged to talk to him, she did and he became defensive and attempted to gaslight her!

Anyway, again just sharing MY experience and why I gave her the advice I did back when she first created the thread. 

Apparently I'm not alone with that advice.

She can read all the responses and do what's best and right for her.

And I hope she will return to update because it's clear we all care and hope it works out for her.

 

 

 

I just feel that since he was out of work for illness related reasons and promised his son that he would take him, and perhaps since she (the girlfriend) paid for some things since he hasn't been working, that maybe he didn't want her (his girlfriend) to potentially cover a large expense (covering not only himself, an 8yo child, but an extra person - her - since she might not be able to afford to cover her own way).

Agree with your other points and I wish the OP could come back to respond to some of the comments...

OP, you are not being unreasonable for feeling hurt. But most important here is to separate your feelings of being hurt from your feelings of feeling treated unfair. Basically you agreed on something without knowing enough. Not your fault, but I guess you kept discussion with him and where you stand. Harder way is to prepare yourself for him saying "This is it. I am still going without you."

But that is also a judgement call from you. Honestly I would want him to have a great time with his son, especially if boyfriend hasn't been able to do a lot for some time.

If it was any other situation I would probably have a different view and of course I could be wrong, I would just hope that you know your boyfriend well enough that he's not going to fool around on his girlfriend with this female friend with his son around. But again, who knows.

The other piece is courtesy. I do think that the thought of *well*, maybe you should be invited, could've crossed his mind before he extended the offer to his son. Of course he could have postponed the trip altogether until he had enough funds to fund the trip himself and you could go without having to worry about having to pitch in.

If, however, that is *not* the case, and his response is completely self-centered, then he is being unreasonable.

Also, to be fair for possibly seeing/believing that it's the later, does he not offer/think about any other budget holidays that all could go on? Even also possibly with other friends of his (for both you/her to hang out with), so that it's not as though he was deliberately scheming to exclude you but wants go on a holiday with his son regardless?

Maybe he will come to the conclusion that not going on this trip is what needs to be done in order to prioritize his girlfriend first.

Just thought I'd mention this, and if you want to mention anything in response to this specifically then please do so.

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, Jaunty said:

How do you feel about the fact that the OP and the female best friend have never been "properly introduced"?   

How about the fact that the best friend had a big problem with him dating the OP?

In my considerable experience, if a close friend is actively not supportive of a relationship, that friendship invariably turns out to cause strife in the relationship.  It doesn't have to be an opposite sex friendship.   

As said previously, I feel the guy is stuck between a girlfriend and a best friend who happens to be a girl. On one hand he has someone he cares for in a romantic relationship. On the other hand, he has a close friend he has known for years and taken trips with in the past. If they don't get along, for whatever reason, then it leaves him stuck in the middle not wanting to hurt either person. He'll make mistakes navigating that course. Doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, just a human being who is caught in the middle.

"Properly introduced" could mean anything. The two women have met before, so it's not like they are being kept apart entirely. I'm guessing their encounters were more informal situations where they all ended up at the same place. Not properly introduced would mean no formal introduction or arrangement to spend time just the three of them. 

Of course, as with most of this, we can only speculate. Until the poster confirms what was meant by it, we simply are guessing at what it means.

We can also only guess as to what is meant by "big problem." We have no idea anything about this friend other then she offered to treat a friend and his son to a vacation. The information we have on her is secondhand from a person who barely knows her. I will refrain from making any judgments about her without her being here to actually speak her case.

I see the friend as a distraction. The main goal here is to help Roux Bee. Her present issue is not with this other woman, it is with her boyfriend. And the only way to resolve what happened between the two of them is for them to communicate and see if they can solve it themselves. He might turn out to be a thoughtless leech and she then leaves him. Or he can realize his errors, apologize, and they find a compromise - as couples in healthy, trusting relationships do. They could then see if this friend really is an issue FOR THEM and do with it as they please. But in the end, they have to be the ones that decide for themselves what they feel, what is going on, and what they are okay with.

The rest of us can go around and around on what we think is going on. The only people that know what really happened and why are the people involved. And the only way they can get to that is by talking it out in an open, honest, no holds barred discussion.

[Roux bee]

Apologies I’ve not been replying. There not been much of a development. It has not yet been booked but he seems intent on planning on it but did express he feel no matter the decision he feels he will disappoint someone. I expressed that I feel there is a boundary that which crossed where will the line be then? Which he has acknowledged. He claimed the friend said about me coming but he told her I’d not have the money. He’s a protective person so I feel he may just be saying this. He said I could still go as not booked but said this in a rather exasperated way therefore I’d feel awkward like I’m imposing. I think we will just have to see how it plays out. He did for future reference he will include me in their plans so I can meet her properly. I don’t really know what to think/feel as still hurting at the moment. 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, yogacat said:

I just feel that since he was out of work for illness related reasons and promised his son that he would take him, and perhaps since she (the girlfriend) paid for some things since he hasn't been working, that maybe he didn't want her (his girlfriend) to potentially cover a large expense (covering not only himself, an 8yo child, but an extra person - her - since she might not be able to afford to cover her own way).

I'm a parent - if I had promised my child (she's now a grown woman) a vacation, but could not deliver unless a friend of mine stepped in and paid for myself and my child to go with them on a trip but not my partner - I would not even think of that as me delivering on my promise to my child.   

That is what we would consider a "teachable moment."  There are  a lot of things in that situation that a child could learn much from.   

How to stand strong with your people.

How delivering on a promise is the responsibility of the person who made the promise.

Etc.

 

 

[TeeDee]

20 minutes ago, Roux bee said:

 did express he feel no matter the decision he feels he will disappoint someone. 

That may be true but since you're his GF & she's not, if he doesn't chose to disappoint her, where does that leave you? 

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm a parent - if I had promised my child (she's now a grown woman) a vacation, but could not deliver unless a friend of mine stepped in and paid for myself and my child to go with them on a trip but not my partner - I would not even think of that as me delivering on my promise to my child.   

That is what we would consider a "teachable moment."  There are  a lot of things in that situation that a child could learn much from.   

How to stand strong with your people.

How delivering on a promise is the responsibility of the person who made the promise.

Etc.

 

 

But that's your respective family's choice to operate as you choose. There's a lot of moving parts here, but generally, it might not have been the uncontroversial "no brainer" that it would be for 2 single people earlier in a relationship.

His friend offered them a gift of one of her vacations for someone that has been suffering from an illness, respectively.  

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

 The rest of us can go around and around on what we think is going on. The only people that know what really happened and why are the people involved. 

I for one am not "thinking" a bit of what might or might not be going on, beyond what is posted here.   It makes no difference to me whether either of these friends has designs on the other.   I don't care that they're opposite sexes.  

The facts that the "best friend" is not in any type of relationship with OP (because he has not seen to "properly introduce" them),  and that the bff was against the relationship in the first place -  that's  plenty.