Roux bee Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 To add we have been together for a year and a half but dating for a few months beforehand and already knew of each other. He moved in after a few months it was quite quick. When we first got together she seemed to have a big problem with him dating me but it was explained to be that she felt like she was going to lose her friend. I feel terrible as I know my man is in an awkward position as whatever decisions he makes it will disappoint someone. I did suggest he took him on his own but it was dismissed. But I think he’s just not confident to. I suppose we are both just in an awkward position and the situation should have been handled more carefully leading up to it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 @Roux bee so given she is not his son's mother combined with the fact she is just a good friend, jmo as always but if she truly wanted to be a good friend and she could afford to fund a trip abroad for three people, I think it would have showed more sensitivity and kindness to fund the trip for him, his son and YOU, his girlfriend. Assuming it's a trip for his dad and son, it's unclear why she needs to be there and NOT you since you are actually in the relationship with him! And ideally hoping to establish a RL with his son as well. The trip would have been a great opportunity for that! And is something a truly good and generous friend who had the money to pay for three people would want to do for her friend, I would think. Given that did not happen and she chose instead to fund the trip for the three of them, excluding YOU, again this would not sit well with me at all! Your call though, good luck. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roux bee Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 Me and his son do have a relationship as he stays here often Id have loved to have gone with them both so I’m just gutted really it’s hard to tell if I’m being reasonable or just jealous/petty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 Just now, Roux bee said: Me and his son do have a relationship as he stays here often Id have loved to have gone with them both so I’m just gutted really it’s hard to tell if I’m being reasonable or just jealous/petty When you bring it up, ask him how would he feel if your male friend decided you were going on a trip with out him? See how that feels. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 9 minutes ago, Roux bee said: To add we have been together for a year and a half but dating for a few months beforehand and already knew of each other. He moved in after a few months it was quite quick. When we first got together she seemed to have a big problem with him dating me but it was explained to be that she felt like she was going to lose her friend. I feel terrible as I know my man is in an awkward position as whatever decisions he makes it will disappoint someone. I did suggest he took him on his own but it was dismissed. But I think he’s just not confident to. I suppose we are both just in an awkward position and the situation should have been handled more carefully leading up to it Talk you your boyfriend. I sense that you trust him but I also sense some hesitation and doubt. Let him know this. If you have been together for a year and a half then I’m surprised he hadn’t/counting considered your feelings a bit more. I think you should keep an open mind, bear in mind the priority is a fantastic trip for his son at no cost to him. However, if you feel his best friend can match what you’re expecting out of him, move on and keep it moving. It may help to understand the background of their friendship, but try to do this without projecting and lowering the expectations for what you, want going forward. If you really want to go with him, offer to chip in. If he refuses then just let him and his son enjoy their trip. Perhaps for the future, talk to your boyfriend about incorporating you into plans with his best friend. It’s important for partners to get to know each other’s friends. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 18 minutes ago, Roux bee said: Me and his son do have a relationship as he stays here often Id have loved to have gone with them both so I’m just gutted... ^This still doesn't change what I posted in my previous. It would have made more sense for her (as a good and generous friend) to fund the trip for the three of you, not the three of them. I am not sure I would be gutted, I would simply follow my intuition, use common sense and as I said NOT be there when they returned. Just me, I don't mess around with this type of crap -- boyfriends taking vacations with other women, "friend" or otherwise. It's a strong boundary I have and it's simply not acceptable to me. I also have no desire to hold a man's hand and "explain" to him how to properly behave in a committed RL which includes not taking vacations with other women, at least for me. If he hasn't learned this by now as a grown man, he's not for me. However if you feel it's best to talk to him and share your feelings, if you think it will make a difference, then do that. We all gotta do what's best and right for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roux bee Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 I do wonder if she still just wants her friend back to herself. They’ve been on holidays in the past so not as if she’s missing out. I feel if she really cared about him she’d have offered to lend us the money and between us we’d have paid her back in a few months. But I know how that would go down if I suggested she had any ill intention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 1 hour ago, Roux bee said: He moved in after a few months it was quite quick. When we first got together she seemed to have a big problem with him dating me but it was explained to be that she felt like she was going to lose her friend Oh hella na. There's more going on here. She had a problem with you guys dating because she has feelings for him. I stand by it. And now they're going on a holiday as if they are a couple/family. And, the guy is an unemployed leech who is taking advantage of your kind heart and naive nature. OP، he is BAD news. He doesn't have proper boundaries with this friend and he enjoys living off of your kindness. He is disrespecting you and the fact you are supposedly his life partner. No talking will do. I would boot him to the curb. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 2 hours ago, Roux bee said: I do wonder if she still just wants her friend back to herself. They’ve been on holidays in the past so not as if she’s missing out. I feel if she really cared about him she’d have offered to lend us the money and between us we’d have paid her back in a few months. But I know how that would go down if I suggested she had any ill intention Sounds to me like he is caught between a girlfriend and a best friend who happens to be a girl. How long have they known each other? They have taken trips together, so obviously they are close even if there is nothing romantic going on. Without evidence to the contrary, I'm inclined to say there are no intentions towards you. At most there is a little jealousy. I'm guessing you are right and that she misses her friend and wants to relive how things used to me. But that doesn't make her a bad person. That makes her a human who did something wrong. She's not trying to start something romantic with him. She's not trying to harm you. She honestly just might miss her friend, be nostalgic, and saw an opening to spend time with him like they used to. 3 hours ago, Roux bee said: To add we have been together for a year and a half but dating for a few months beforehand and already knew of each other... When we first got together she seemed to have a big problem with him dating me but it was explained to be that she felt like she was going to lose her friend. I feel terrible as I know my man is in an awkward position as whatever decisions he makes it will disappoint someone. I did suggest he took him on his own but it was dismissed. But I think he’s just not confident to. You have known him for coming up on two years. What kind of man is he? How does he usually treat you? Does he usually take you into consideration? Does he usually listen to you and show concern for your feelings? Does he treat you well and respects you? Are there other issues in the relationship or are things generally fine? A person is who they have been the entire time. One act doesn't generally define a person or relationship. Yes, he was wrong on this. But is one bad decision more powerful then everything else you have been through and the relationship you have built? Was it that egregious to you? Or do you believe you can talk to him about this and find a way to come together? Your heart, your feelings, your relationship. It's your choice. Do what is right for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 5 hours ago, ShySoul said: Some people are just generous and want to help out a friend. But why would she not invite his live-in girlfriend? Also, why has the guy not included his live-in girlfriend in any way with his female "best friend"? I'm not saying that there's hanky panky going on but it's a seriously ridiculous situation, if it's even real. In "real life," these two women would already have a relationship of their own and the OP would not just be some kind of passive extra standing on the sidelines by herself. OP. Where does your boyfriend's child live? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 Are they all sharing a hotel room? Also has she ever been married? I assume she has no kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roux bee Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 His boy mostly lives with his mum. The friend has not been married or had kids. As far as I’m aware she’s not been in a relationship while friends with my man. He has been before me though while they’ve been friends. I don’t believe he has any interest in her that way at all so I’m not worried about his side of it in terms of that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 31 minutes ago, Jaunty said: But why would she not invite his live-in girlfriend? Also, why has the guy not included his live-in girlfriend in any way with his female "best friend"? Any number of reasons. For her: She is jealous of the girlfriend. She wants to spend time with her friend she has known forever. She is uncomfortable around someone she doesn't really know. She wants to go on the trip herself. She is clueless and didn't think it out. For him: Because the friend was uncomfortable with the relationship at the start. Because it's easier to avoid an issue then it is to address it. Because he wasn't sure how either woman would react. 41 minutes ago, Jaunty said: In "real life," these two women would already have a relationship of their own and the OP would not just be some kind of passive extra standing on the sidelines by herself. 4 hours ago, Roux bee said: When we first got together she seemed to have a big problem with him dating me but it was explained to be that she felt like she was going to lose her friend. I feel terrible as I know my man is in an awkward position as whatever decisions he makes it will disappoint someone. It's an awkward situation for all involved. There are mixed feelings and hurt feelings all the way around. It hasn't been helped by anyone's actions. Mistakes have been made. The friend was wrong. The boyfriend was wrong. This is a ridiculous situation. But do you harp on what went wrong and be upset with the person who made the mistake? Or do you come together to address it and do something about it? All I'm saying is before deciding anything, talk with and try to work something out with the person you love and are in a relationship with. If a person is lucky enough to have someone special in their life, it's worth trying to hold onto. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 6 hours ago, catfeeder said: I’d have seen a problem long before this with a partner who would chose to segregate me from his friend. That’s not okay in my world, so it’s not likely that it could have ever come to something as alarming as this. He’d be out. If the place is his, I’d be making arrangements to be gone when he gets back, and if the place is mine, I’d inform him to pack and move all of his stuff, because I’ll be changing the locks before his trip. ^ I second this post in its entirety. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post MissCanuck Posted July 27 Popular Post Share Posted July 27 This doesn't sound like a friendship that supports your relationship, OP. Please reflect on what it says about him that he's proceeding with this plan. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 I'm friends with a married woman. Her husband had no problems me flying down to see her. He had no problems with her flying up to visit me. He has been fine with us taking several trips together because ultimately he trusts her and realizes that having a strong friendship with someone who supports and cares about her is a good thing. Ultimately, who we are friends with is a personal choice. It is not up to others to determine that. Who we are friends with is not a reflection of our friendships/relationships with anyone else. You can be friends and engage in activites with people who may not necessarily like or be fond of other friends you have. And that doesn't have to reflect negatively upon any individual involved. 18 hours ago, Roux bee said: I don’t believe he has any interest in her that way at all so I’m not worried about his side of it in terms of that. Roux bee, you seem to trust him and aren't concerned about that aspect. The issue stems down to wanting to be included in his plans. So let him know that. Really make clear to him how it hurts. My situation above worked because the couple communicated with each other and made clear what there intentions and expectations were beforehand. Have that same talk. Figure out together what you are okay with. Figure out what isn't okay and why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 21 minutes ago, ShySoul said: Her husband had no problems me flying down to see her. He had no problems with her flying up to visit me. He has been fine with us taking several trips together because ultimately he trusts her and realizes that having a strong friendship with someone who supports and cares about her is a good thing. This isn't the same as what OP is describing, though. She is describing a friend who had a problem with this man dating OP. She is describing a situation in which she was excluded, for all intents and purposes. I am going to guess you have been a true supporter of your friend's marriage, right? Because if so, your situation is not comparable to OP's. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 22 hours ago, Roux bee said: I do wonder if she still just wants her friend back to herself. They’ve been on holidays in the past so not as if she’s missing out. I feel if she really cared about him she’d have offered to lend us the money and between us we’d have paid her back in a few months. But I know how that would go down if I suggested she had any ill intention Why would you think it would be up to his friend to pay for 3 of you to go abroad together? I mean, yes, it would be absolutely a kind gesture from this woman, especially if she's paying for him and the son, but in most instances, it financially would be nearly impossible unless the other person was very wealthy. I do understand your feelings of feeling pushed out, not included, not prioritized, feeling not welcomed, humiliated, marginalized, centered out, peripheral, scapegoated, etc. I think it pretty difficult to ask someone to do something that financially could pose an extreme financial hardship and especially, again, if the other person isn't independently wealthy or have savings or a lot of backup. I still agree that it's probably not as likely this woman would do this, and being inclined to pay for 3 people to go on abroad together would be coming from a wealthy person. Batya33 asked the question earlier. Are they staying in the same hotel room? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 31 minutes ago, MissCanuck said: This isn't the same as what OP is describing, though. She is describing a friend who had a problem with this man dating OP. She is describing a situation in which she was excluded, for all intents and purposes. I am going to guess you have been a true supporter of your friend's marriage, right? Because if so, your situation is not comparable to OP's. Yes, not the exact same situation. But I have been in a very similar spot and found a way for it to be fine. Thus I fully understand all the feelings going on in each of the individuals. I'm speaking from experience. Just saying it is possible for things to work out with better communication and to not automatically assume that the man is up to anything or wrong for having a friendship with another person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post waffle Posted July 27 Popular Post Share Posted July 27 On 7/26/2024 at 5:32 AM, Roux bee said: . . . he has been out of work through illness and I've paid for most things This needs to stop instantly regardless of what else happens regarding the vacation. First, I'd be questioning the extent of this "illness' that renders him useless in any practical manner (which includes being employed and contributing to expenses like an adult) but he is more than well enough to take a trip abroad. Second, it's pretty ballsy of him to assume YOU don't have the money to take a trip when you're the (sole) breadwinner in the household; if you have the money or not that's your call, not his. Third, I like how he refers to this as a "free" trip . . . yeah it's "free" to him but someone else is paying for it. Fourth, how is he supporting his son? Or are you doing that too? Fifth, "my child comes first" does not mean taking a "free" trip on someone else's dime. If he was really interested in putting his child first he'd man-up and provide for his basic needs. I agree with Kwothe, this guy is a freeloader. I could never, ever respect someone like that. I'd have his bags packed and on the front porch within the hour. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 27 Share Posted July 27 3 hours ago, ShySoul said: and to not automatically assume that the man is up to anything or wrong for having a friendship with another person. ^^Shy, of course. No one said it was wrong to have friendships even friendships with the opposite sex. Being friends isn't the issue, it's about them taking an extravagant vacation abroad together and the OP being excluded. And the OP being troubled by that which she already expressed to him but he's chosen to go anyway. I'm kinda shocked you can't see the difference between the situation you described and this one? With respect to the sitch you described and others like, I mentioned earlier it's all well and fine for some couples, they may have an open relationship where they've talked and agreed that taking extravagant vacations with the opposite sex is OK. Or like in your case, visiting opposite sex friends is OK. Even when one of those "friends" has an ulterior motive where in this case it's possible this "female friend" might as she had an issue when he began dating the OP. And doesn't wish to be friends with OP herself. So you do the math. My math adds up to something fishy and possibly quite untoward. And to flat out dismiss all this and believe "just talk to him, make him understand" is the cure all, is (and sorry I don't mean to sound snarky) a Disney fairytale, it's not how real relationships work at least not imo and experience in situations like this. The the only communication that will work in this case is OP telling him it's not an acceptable situation for her and either he doesn't go or they break up. It's one of those non-negotiables especially since she has already talked to him and expressed her discomfort and he responded: On 7/26/2024 at 2:32 AM, Roux bee said: I have felt hurt and said why couldn’t I be invited and I could have scraped together the funds for me. He said I could have but he doesn’t see how I'd have the money for it. I'm wondering did you miss that part? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 28 Share Posted July 28 On 7/26/2024 at 2:32 AM, Roux bee said: As he has been out of work through illness and I've paid for most things What is the illness he is working through? Before we label someone a freeloader and criticize him for not working, let's actually see what the situation is. There was a time when my father fell off a scaffold and couldn't work. My sister in law had to stop working to care for her daughter who had a brain tumor and needed regualr stays in a hospital. Not saying it is anything that serious, but it is possible that he is experiencing something that makes it difficult to work in whatever his profession might be. He is apprarently paying for some things, so is contributing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 28 Share Posted July 28 This is an odd arrangement and any time a person acts against the norm of considerate protocol, it's alarming and it makes you wonder if this will become a pattern in your relationship with him? 🙄 I'd feel excluded because he didn't bother to you ask you first and took it upon himself to plan this holiday without telling you about it in advance. Even though this is his best female friend, it strikes me as odd that this is a threesome while completing disregarding you which is very disrespectful. Any time you're treated as if you don't matter, beware because there are more antics to come. This is not the first nor last. Only time and your patience or lack thereof will determine how long you will last with this guy. I can't speak for others and their opposite gender friends but for my husband and me, we don't have any. We don't confide in them. We have friends but not opposite gender besties where we traipse off to holidays together without our spouses, go out on various outings sans spouses and the whole lot. If they wanted to have singles type freedom, they should've remained single and do that to their heart's content. We have same gender friends and married couples friends and even then we don't over do it with socializing. I support those with opposite gender friends despite it not being our habit. You're not being unreasonable. Have a talk with him and discover where you're at with this guy and if both of you are not on the same wavelength regarding your values, respect and what is considered considerate, then evaluate the relationship then. You will know whether or not you with to continue this relationship. If my boyfriend, now husband did what your boyfriend did, I highly doubt I would be with him but that's just me and I'm extremely picky and choosy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 28 Share Posted July 28 6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: And to flat out dismiss all this and believe "just talk to him, make him understand" is the cure all, is (and sorry I don't mean to sound snarky) a Disney fairytale, it's not how real relationships work at least not imo and experience in situations like this. The the only communication that will work in this case is OP telling him it's not an acceptable situation for her and either he doesn't go or they break up. i believe my advice was: On 7/26/2024 at 9:59 AM, ShySoul said: He didn't consult you when he should have, even if he says he had a reason. Let him know you don't like it and make clear what you expect from him going forward. See how he responds and let that be you guide on what to do next. I'm not excusing his behavior. I'm not saying just to talk or make him understand. I am saying to have it out and leave in no uncertain terms just how upsetting this is. Then see how he responds. If he can't accept it, then she'll have his answer and know she shouldn't waste anymore time. If he is sorry, then they can figure it out. Maybe he would volunteer not to go. Maybe he would figure out a way to get her a ticket as well. We don't know. But there would be the chance of a happier resolution. I've seen people say things like "don't go or we are breaking up." It's taken as an ultimatum, the person gets defenisve, and something that could have been resolved ends in sadness for everyone. 6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: On 7/26/2024 at 2:32 AM, Roux bee said: He said I could have but he doesn’t see how I'd have the money for it. I'm wondering did you miss that part? Don't think we are clear on how it was said. It could have been said in a casual manner that made it seem like an offhand comment. He might really feel like he was doing her a favor in not having to spend the money, espcially if money is tight as is. She might not have conveyed how hurt she really was, or even been aware of it at the time. And he might not have picked up on it. We don't really know how the conversation went, just that it didn't fix anything. I've always said that was wrong of him. You're being more direct about it, but think we have the same basic goal. Communicate clearly that this is not okay. I'm just trying to not read into things that may or not be there, especially when I'm not there. Not that you specifically are, but some posts here have. If that makes me Disney, I'll take being Disney... as long as I get to be Goofy. 😁 (No offense taken of course. Just different viewpoints... and you're quite fair in your explanations). 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 28 Share Posted July 28 6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: I'm kinda shocked you can't see the difference between the situation you described and this one? I do see the difference. I don't have a situation that exactly fits the scenario. But so far I'm the only that has shared being in a scenario that is at least somewhat similar - two people of different genders going on a trip when one of them is involved one with someone else. I can at least partially relate to the feelings and concerns because I lived through it. For other posters it's speculation on what they would do (which is still valid opinions). For me it is what we actually did do. I see the difference in my story being that all three of us were muture enough to communicate with each other before we did anything. And that allowed things to go pretty smoothly. Hence, why I'm encouraging communication between the people involved in this story. And it starts with the couple. If they can be okay, then they can turn there attention on what do to about the friend. Similarly, my friend and her husband had to be okay first before considering what to do about me. It's funny. At one point years ago I was told I shouldn't post on things I didn't have personal experience on. Now I draw from personal experience in a similar situation, and it's pointed out how it's not the exact same situation. Can't I just make a post and state my opinion like everyone else? 🙄 😉 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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