Roux bee Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 Looking for some advice. I’m female (30) and my boyfriend (31) who I live with has a female best friend (29) he has been friends with for years and as far as I’m aware it’s been nothing more I’ve briefly met her a couple times but not properly. He promised his little boy who is 8 that he would take him on holiday this year and we haven’t had the funds. As he has been out of work through illness and I've paid for most things She has offered to take them away and he has accepted saying it’s a free holiday abroad and his son comes first which I understand But I have felt hurt as said why couldn’t I be invited and I could have scraped together the funds for me. He said I could have but he doesn’t see how I’d have the money. I feel I should have been considered in the first instance and feel uncomfortable his going away with her and makes me feel perhaps I should end the relationship. Am I being completely unreasonable? 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post MissCanuck Posted July 26 Popular Post Share Posted July 26 You are not being unreasonable, no. It's very strange to me that you were not included in these plans. I don't mean that she should have paid for you, but rather at least have invited you to come along if you were able to afford the trip. I have a very close male friend and cannot imagine paying for his holiday and not even inviting his live-in partner. Big red flag, mostly coming from him. I would not be happy that he seems to have made these plans without involving you at all. His son can come first without blurring boundaries between him and his best friend. That's a cop-out. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 No way. It's not worth any amount of money -it's not a free trip - assume there are strings attached or else she would have offered to help you with your expenses so -of course as his SO you could come too! You pay for him and this is how he thanks you? No it's not in the best interests of his son -travel is amazing I agree -we do that a lot with our 15 year old son and we started traveling internationally when he was 7- but it's not a need at all and not in circumstances that likely will be confusing for him -sharing a hotel room -right?? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 5 hours ago, Roux bee said: Looking for some advice. I’m female (30) and my boyfriend (31) who I live with has a female best friend (29) he has been friends with for years and as far as I’m aware it’s been nothing more I’ve briefly met her a couple times but not properly. He promised his little boy who is 8 that he would take him on holiday this year and we haven’t had the funds. As he has been out of work through illness and I've paid for most things She has offered to take them away and he has accepted saying it’s a free holiday abroad and his son comes first which I understand But I have felt hurt as said why couldn’t I be invited and I could have scraped together the funds for me. He said I could have but he doesn’t see how I’d have the money. I feel I should have been considered in the first instance and feel uncomfortable his going away with her and makes me feel perhaps I should end the relationship. Am I being completely unreasonable? well then sit him down and tell him how you feel about it, and tell him to stop shutting you down when trying to express yourself. He needs to listen to you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Andrina Posted July 26 Popular Post Share Posted July 26 5 hours ago, Roux bee said: I’ve briefly met her a couple times but not properly. I'm guessing you moved in with him very quickly into the relationship and didn't know him well enough before making this big step. If he had any sense and valued your relationship, he would've ensured you and his best friend had plenty of time together so that you could reach a comfort level that he and she had a normal, platonic friendship. If I was the best friend and saw my friend had no sense in the situation, I would've insisted on spending time with you, even one on one, to assure you that I championed your relationship with my best bud, and that I'm so happy he found a great partner. As the best friend, if I had money to burn but not enough to invite you, there'd be no inviting of anybody. That's totally out of line. And 8 year olds can understand circumstances. An explanation of how Dad is out of work and there would be no vacation, but an alternative lesser expensive local activity would be done in place of that. I wouldn't even bother with any discussion on the topic. If he has no common sense nor caring for how you feel about something like this, which is so blatantly wrong, he wouldn't be worth any more of my precious time. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 6 hours ago, Roux bee said: He promised his little boy who is 8 that he would take him on holiday this year and we haven’t had the funds. 6 hours ago, Roux bee said: She has offered to take them away and he has accepted saying it’s a free holiday abroad and his son comes first... ^^Is she the child's mother? Making this a "family" vacay - mom, dad, kid? I don't know I'm just asking because the entire sitch sounds odd. With her offering to fund the entire trip for all three of them? Yeah this wouldn't sit well with me. I'd leave them to it and not be there when he returned. Leaving a note is fine imo.. Next. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said: ^^Is she the child's mother? Making this a "family" vacay - mom, dad, kid? I don't know I'm just asking because the entire sitch sounds odd. With her offering to fund the entire trip for all three of them? Yeah this wouldn't sit well with me. I'd leave them to it and not be there when he returned. Leaving a note is fine imo.. Next. I was wondering the same -if she is actually his mom. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 You are not wrong to feel bad or excluded. That hurts and you are entitled to whatever emotions you feel. It is completely reasonable to hope that your boyfriend would want to include you in his plans. Looking at the situation though, it's awkward on all sides. This other woman doesn't really know you. She may be comfortable paying for the person she has been friends with for years. She may want to treat the son (it's hard to not want to treat a child like that). But she may feel uncomfortable around you. Even if nothing is going on between her and the boyfrend, it's still two women close to the same man. She might just not know how to act around you. He probably didn't want to impose an extra hardship on you if funds have been tight. He couldn't pay for you. And he couldn't impose on her anymore to pay for an extra person. Not going at all would disappoint his son. Going without you hurt your feelings. Any choice was bound to cause a problem. Talk to him. Tell him your hurt over not being considered. Is everthing else okay in the relationship? If so, one disagreement or situation isn't worth giving up on everything. It means you need to have an honest discussion and work through the issue together. It means you each say how you perceive the situation and how it made you feel. And it means you reach a compromise you are both okay with. Assuming there is still time before the trip, why can't you still go? Why not make clear that you at least want to be asked in the future and not have him assumed things about you? Odds are if you talk about it, he will understand where you are coming from and be sorry about his actions. Odds are he will try to make it right. So why not give him the chance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 6 minutes ago, ShySoul said: This other woman doesn't really know you. She may be comfortable paying for the person she has been friends with for years I've always always made it my business to get to know my friend's spouses or SOs She doesn't need to know her. All she needs to know is that she exists and if she is uncomfortable planning a holiday where she includes the SO then the result is -there is no holiday in that configuration. Or she tells her male friend -ask your SO if she would be ok with it -and then the SO gets to decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 My brothers ex-wife treated my brother and his nine year old son to a vacation several years ago. I think he paid for some of it, but she let them stay at her place and paid for several of the things they did while out here. She even put me up for a couple nights so I could see them. She has plenty of money, so that wasn't an issue. She wasn't trying to get back together with him. This wasn't her son. She simply wanted to do something nice for the child and provide him with a fun trip. Some people are just generous and want to help out a friend. Roux bee, unless you have reason to believe otherwise, I wouldn't be concerned with her. This is about communication between you and your boyfriend. He didn't consult you when he should have, even if he says he had a reason. Let him know you don't like it and make clear what you expect from him going forward. See how he responds and let that be you guide on what to do next. My guess is that you can work it out. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 8 minutes ago, ShySoul said: My brothers ex-wife treated my brother and his nine year old son to a vacation several years ago. I think he paid for some of it, but she let them stay at her place and paid for several of the things they did while out here. She even put me up for a couple nights so I could see them. She has plenty of money, so that wasn't an issue. She wasn't trying to get back together with him. This wasn't her son. She simply wanted to do something nice for the child and provide him with a fun trip. Some people are just generous and want to help out a friend. Roux bee, unless you have reason to believe otherwise, I wouldn't be concerned with her. This is about communication between you and your boyfriend. He didn't consult you when he should have, even if he says he had a reason. Let him know you don't like it and make clear what you expect from him going forward. See how he responds and let that be you guide on what to do next. My guess is that you can work it out. Generous people typically don't want to offend their friend's SO or spouse. Was your brother married or involved with someone? If so was that someone ok with it? If she's so generous why not pay for a vacation -for them and she doesn't go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 @ShySoulI don't think it's her paying that's the issue necessarily; it's more that the three of them will be traveling abroad together without OP who is in a committed relationship with the man. I think it's REAL important to be aware and sensitive to your partner's feelings when in a committed relationship. Don't you? You can't just go doing things like taking vacations with other women (or men if roles were reversed) even if she is just a friend without recognizing the impact that will have on your partner, that is totally insensitive imo. Sure some couples may have an open policy where they both can do whatever the heck they want and it shouldn't be questioned but I think that's rare.. And I'd still like to know if this "friend" is his son's mother. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post catfeeder Posted July 26 Popular Post Share Posted July 26 I’d have seen a problem long before this with a partner who would chose to segregate me from his friend. That’s not okay in my world, so it’s not likely that it could have ever come to something as alarming as this. He’d be out. If the place is his, I’d be making arrangements to be gone when he gets back, and if the place is mine, I’d inform him to pack and move all of his stuff, because I’ll be changing the locks before his trip. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 I dunno, it wouldnt sit right with me. I would maybe think differently if you couldnt go. But to straight up not include a woman he lives with is foul business. But he knows you maybe wouldnt sit right with her so he has chosen free vacation over you. And that is another thing. You boyfriend is a "freeloader". He has been using you for housing and using her for vacation. Under what pretenses I dont know but wouldnt be surprised he has something with her. I am sorry, but dont believe in "free vacations". 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 How long have you been dating? Are you at the point of traveling together? And with his kid? Are they going to like an amusement park place like Legoland? If the best friend was a dude, would you you care? After years and years, if something was bound to happen, it would have. If a man wants to cheat, he doesn't need to bring his kid and go somewhere. He can go anywhere to cheat. I know you are butthurt with not being asked, but it would not have been easy for you to get the money together. Honestly, I would not spoil the trip because the trip is about his son, and not about you, but you are making it about you (total drag). If you don't like this arrangement, you should break up, and find a dude who can pay his own way. It's once thing if the guy has a huge history of cheating or whatever, but then, why be with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roux bee Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 Thank you for the replies so far. Quite mixed responses. For those asking no she is not his son’s mother but they get on well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 Just now, Roux bee said: she is his son’s mother Why would you leave that out? I still see zero issue with this trip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I don't think it's her paying that's the issue necessarily; it's more that the three of them will be traveling abroad together without OP who is in a committed relationship with the man. I think it's REAL important to be aware and sensitive to your partner's feelings when in a committed relationship. Don't you? Agreed, money isn't the primary issue. I was just including it to cover all bases. Yes, it is important to be aware and sensitive to your partner's feelings. And I said he was in the wrong for not including her in his plans. What I see is that we really don't have a lot of information. We don't know how long the two have been together. We don't know anything about the friend or why she offered to do this. It could be perfectly innocent. So rather then assume something is fishy or speculate about a person none of us know, I'm going to advise that the two people in the relationship talk it out themselves and both be completely honest with each other. He needs to understand that he needs to take her into more consideration and check with her on if she is okay with things. He needs to recognize her feelings. And she should focus on who he is overall and see if that person is generally trustworthy and worth a chance to make things right. Really, I just get tired of the first reaction being to throw in the towel and the assumption being that people must be up to no good. Mistakes can happen. Good people can be insensitive at times and not even realize the effects of their actions. They can think they are doing something nice (eg not costing her money and treating his son) while being blind to other consequences. Doesn't make them right. I just prefer to think people can talk and work through most things. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But in this case, I don't see it hurting to try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 No you are not being unreasonable. Your BF should not have promised his son something he cannot afford. If you live with your BF, by now you should have "properly" met his close friend. She is way out of line offering to take YOUR BF on a vacation & even more so without you. Your BF is awful for accepting. That is a slap in the face to you. In your shoes I would tell him if he goes on this vacation you will not be there when he gets back. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 12 minutes ago, Roux bee said: For those asking no she is his son’s mother but they get on well Should that have said "no she isn't his son's mother, but they get on well?" Think that makes more sense given the context, but the sentence was a bit confusing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 Just now, ShySoul said: Should that have said "no she isn't his son's mother, but they get on well?" Think that makes more sense given the context, but the sentence was a bit confusing. Ah, I read that to mean, they are very good co-parents, and their son is their top priority. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 44 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Generous people typically don't want to offend their friend's SO or spouse. Was your brother married or involved with someone? If so was that someone ok with it? If she's so generous why not pay for a vacation -for them and she doesn't go? Brother had married and divorced someone else. That woman was the son's mother. But even while he was married he had been in touch with his first ex and they had been friends. The wife had been okay with it. The ex had even sent them money to help pay for their sick daughter and flew out to the funeral when the daughter passed. I'm sure if they had been in the same state she would have been more involved in their lives. We don't know why she did anything she did. It could be a simple matter of she didn't think about it. Maybe she just reacted to a child wanting to take a trip. Maybe her first reaction is to do something with a friend she has had for years. And if it is her child, maybe she wants to do something with her child? For all we know once confronted with the strife it's causing, maybe she'd be willing to give up her spot and give it Roux bee. Rather then focus on what should have been done, I believe in moving forward with how to fix it. Rather then be upset with people, particularly ones I don't know, I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt. Roux bee, you know this man best. Do you trust him? Do you believe this can be resolved? If so, talk to him. If you want to end things, that's fine too. It's your choice, do what you feel is best for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 12 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said: Ah, I read that to mean, they are very good co-parents, and their son is their top priority. I can see that interpretation as well. English can be so confusing. 😒 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 I'm guessing he didn't extend you and invitation because the trip is for his son and his friend is funding it. How long have you been together? Chances are he wouldn't feel comfortable with his friend paying for his grown partners trip and given you've paid for most things recently, it would have been especially awkward. How long have you been together? If I were him I would not have taken my friend's offer to pay for a trip for me and a son, I think that would be imposing on her generosity. Then again. My male cousin and I are very close friends and he recently gave me $100 to open a Bitcoin account, but I have also treated him to things and his daughter as well. I think this is merely a financial issue with his friend and not to undermine your feelings. What have you been helping him pay for . . .that he had no problem accepting from you? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roux bee Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 Yes sorry it meant to say she isn’t his son’s mother just a friend of his father 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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