High School crush now wants me to move in 33 yrs later

[BratT]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Good.

Maybe you are still vulnerable from being recently single, or maybe you think it'll be as easy to find a great love same way it happened with your late husband, but it won't be.

I'd say focus on you. If he ever was truly interested, he would have flown over for a weekend to see and gauge if there's anything there to build on (physical chemistry and so forth). But he's not. Even as a friend. Maybe there's some wishful thinking, but nothing is too serious here.

He wanted to come visit a few times but I wasn't ready, so now I told him we will visit back and forth for awhile and see...

[DarkCh0c0]

4 minutes ago, BratT said:

He wanted to come visit a few times but I wasn't ready, so now I told him we will visit back and forth for awhile and see...

Ah. In that case, definitely wait until you feel ready. No rush at all.

[Tinydance]

This might be an unpopular opinion but hypothetically let's just imagine you fell in love with this guy. And let's say you wanted to be with him. I don't think that you have to sacrifice that for the sake of helping out all your children with their children. This might be an unpopular opinion as well but you actually don't OWE it to them to be the sole person who can watch their kids. They are adults who chose to have their own children and this is actually their children and their responsibility. That's not to say that you shouldn't still be close to them all and visit and keep in touch all the time.

By the way, I have a toddler myself but I receive very minimal help from my mother and basically none from my in laws due to their physical and cognitive health as they are quite elderly. I don't mind taking the responsibility of my son onto myself or putting him in childcare when I go back to work.

I think you could probably visit that man where he lives and just spend some time together. In all honesty I think that's really the only way you'd know if you could even be attracted to him. You haven't seen him in person for 30 + years so no doubt you've both changed a lot. You might find that you just don't find him attractive physically or sexually and that would answer your question if you could be with him. 

I think keep on mind also that you've been getting close to him as you're grieving your husband's death. I really don't think you'd be over your husband because you didn't break up - he passed away. So you didn't stop loving him but he's just no longer here with you. In a sense I think likely this guy is a rebound. That's not to say that you definitely wouldn't be into him but it's quite likely your "feelings" for him are actually grief and loneliness.

[BratT]

11 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

First off condolences on your loss.  It is heartwarming to hear of a loving devoted couple like you two were.  Congratulations on making such a wonderful life and family.

  You have never really dated since you started so young with your husband so you have no context to view this from.  I see you trying to work out details that really do not matter at the moment since you have not seen this man since you were teens.

 What you need to decide is this:  Should I even start this knowing one of us will need to move?

To be straight with you I could see you going there, meeting him and really getting along well and in time even falling for him but then what?  It is just a visit right?  Could you both do long distance?  It could be fun having a place to escape to at his house for a week at a time and he could do the same at yours but is that what you want really?  You have been with the same man all your adult life and I imagine grown accustomed to having your man with you daily.

  This is a tough choice but there is no rush.  You are vulnerable and still mourning the loss of the love of your life but loneliness has a way of steering our choices doesn't it? 

Mom, the grand kids and all that is important but so is your heart.

  If I were you I would suggest meeting somewhere in the middle, spend a day together and the answer just might show itself.  If not it will give you more information about who he is now.

 I didn't see where you said you are physically attracted to him.  Is there a physical attraction on your part or just emotional?  Do you feel like he is a lifeline for your life now that it has suddenly changed?

 There are tons of men locally you can meet and date when you feel ready, especially if this man feels like a sip of cool water to a person dying of thirst perhaps you should keep it friends only.

Lost

He has some physical traits I find attractive, and part of why I put this here is because I am confused if I'm thinking about doing this cause I am lonely or do I really like him and want this...

[BratT]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

This might be an unpopular opinion but hypothetically let's just imagine you fell in love with this guy. And let's say you wanted to be with him. I don't think that you have to sacrifice that for the sake of helping out all your children with their children. This might be an unpopular opinion as well but you actually don't OWE it to them to be the sole person who can watch their kids. They are adults who chose to have their own children and this is actually their children and their responsibility. That's not to say that you shouldn't still be close to them all and visit and keep in touch all the time.

By the way, I have a toddler myself but I receive very minimal help from my mother and basically none from my in laws due to their physical and cognitive health as they are quite elderly. I don't mind taking the responsibility of my son onto myself or putting him in childcare when I go back to work.

I think you could probably visit that man where he lives and just spend some time together. In all honesty I think that's really the only way you'd know if you could even be attracted to him. You haven't seen him in person for 30 + years so no doubt you've both changed a lot. You might find that you just don't find him attractive physically or sexually and that would answer your question if you could be with him. 

I think keep on mind also that you've been getting close to him as you're grieving your husband's death. I really don't think you'd be over your husband because you didn't break up - he passed away. So you didn't stop loving him but he's just no longer here with you. In a sense I think likely this guy is a rebound. That's not to say that you definitely wouldn't be into him but it's quite likely your "feelings" for him are actually grief and loneliness.

My kids said they would put kids in daycare and I wouldn't have to care for them, I choose to. I had no connection with my grandparents and I want better for them. I'm unable to work , so I live with my son and grandkids...I love being with them all the time and being so close to them, but the oldest is already starting school and soon they will be grown too and I'll be even more alone...I'm just trying to weigh my options and get feed back , it's nothing that will happen right away 

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, BratT said:

My kids said they would put kids in daycare and I wouldn't have to care for them, I choose to. I had no connection with my grandparents and I want better for them. I'm unable to work , so I live with my son and grandkids...I love being with them all the time and being so close to them, but the oldest is already starting school and soon they will be grown too and I'll be even more alone...I'm just trying to weigh my options and get feed back , it's nothing that will happen right away 

Well that's fantastic you are close to them! One of my sets of grandparents passed away when I was a small child and the other set weren't interested in seeing me much. I do wish I'd been closer to me grandparents so I understand what you mean. But I actually agree with what you said that as your grandchildren get older, they will start to have a life of their own more. Even as let's say 10-year-olds they might get involved in more activities and spend time with their own friends. And when they're older teenagers they don't even need to be babysat and will be doing their own thing.

I think there's no harm in visiting your male friend in person and go from there. But I guess just make sure you're not mostly jumping to him just because you're scared of being alone.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, BratT said:

He has actually sent me quite a bit of money, without me asking, for things things I need

How did he send you money without you providing your bank details? 

I'm asking because I don't think you should have accepted this. Sure, it may be an act of kindness on his part, but it may also leave you with a problem if things go sour between you two. 

Have you got the resources to pay him back, if he decides he wants it?

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

He doesn't have to be the person she remembered. She has been speaking with him for a year. This isn't some new relationship that is just happening. This is a romance born out of a year of being friends and becoming closer. She knows who he is right now and has feelings based upon the person he has shown himself to be here, now, today - a person who has stood by her through a difficult time and not pressured her at all.

She is a person who recently lost her husband, is surrounded by family and a main caregiver for her grandchildren so her child can work and make a living -a lot of moving parts here. And her feelings aren't based on what is relevant to compatibility in a romantic relationship that would involve relocating and living together.  I was long distance the second time around with my now husband. I relocated for him and his career. But this was after years spent in person, several days or longer at a time in the same apartment, and even then I had certain relatives ask me if it was a good idea to move 800 miles from my parents (and his!) even though they were doing great and I was not their caregivers in the least.

Romance is lovely. Feelings are lovely -she knows who he is based on very limited contexts which would be totally fine if they were just penpals or deciding to visit each other and see how it goes.  What he's asking and what she's considering has far more to consider than "it's a romance" and over the phone she has feelings for him and had feelings decades ago.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, BratT said:

My kids said they would put kids in daycare and I wouldn't have to care for them, I choose to. I had no connection with my grandparents and I want better for them. I'm unable to work , so I live with my son and grandkids...I love being with them all the time and being so close to them, but the oldest is already starting school and soon they will be grown too and I'll be even more alone...I'm just trying to weigh my options and get feed back , it's nothing that will happen right away 

I see. Our son needed adult supervision well into his tweens after school given how and where we live but starting at age 7 that meant an after school program once or twice a week - he is 15 now.  Why in the world would  you be alone? My mom is 89 and lives alone since 2016 when my dad passed away and she is busy all day during the week with senior center activities -fitness, book group, discussion group, field trips, nutrition and health classes plus she hangs with her friends who attend in our local parks or they go out for a meal. 

When my dad was ill and  even before she took classes at the local college we both attended and  continued that until she couldn't do the buses anymore.  As you sort of get your bearings why not look into how you can get involved and active?

Is there some fear here of being "alone" and you're grasping on to a high school crush?

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, BratT said:

I had 2 accidents in 10 weeks in 2015 an I'm not able to work, so I have no income while I fight for social security. I live with my youngest son and grandkids ,

If you're caring for grandkids, which is usually physically demanding, basically being like a butler, attending to their basic needs, I was just wondering what about your disability prevents you from working. If it's about not being able to stand for long hours, there are desk jobs and even remote jobs from home where you could be working from the computer. Fifty-one is a very young age to no longer work, and as you can now see, you can't even live independently.

I would never feel comfortable accepting money from a love interest/friend. Too many emotional upsets can happen when money passes hands in this way. Kind of like a deal gone wrong if the receiver parts ways with the giver and he'll feel like the rug has been pulled from under him. And the receiver might hang on longer than she wishes because of those gifts.

In romance, it's never good to be in a position of relying on another for shelter without having the means to easily move out and afford one's own place. Even if he's gung-ho now, when he's only paying his own way in life, imagine what will happen if you move in with him. His bills will go way us in groceries, water, etc., without a partner being able to afford to chip in, in a fair way, You don't think the fantasy will move into a sour reality?

In your shoes, I'd enjoy time with the grandkids because yes, time flies and they are growing. It'd be a shame to only see them a few times a year because you chose a risky and inopportune way to date. I'd also look into job training or taking college courses, some available in the evening, to be able to earn my own way in life instead of relying on the charity of family or a partner. I'd also seek out new friends with hobbies and women's groups as said, so that you have a 3 dimensional, fulfilling and interesting life besides having a partner. A man will feel smothered if you don't have anything except for family to expand his world.

Right now, trying to date when your world isn't set up for success will wind up in disaster. 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, BratT said:

When my husband passed I lost all income I had as well. 

How so?  Did he leave you with unpaid debt?

And no life insurance policy?   After 35 "amazing" years?  

So now you're accepting money from an old HS mate you haven't seen in 33 years.  

How did he know you even needed money?   And how did he obtain your banking information?  

No need to answer, my questions are rhetorical but the more you share, the more skeptical this sounds.

Frankly about the both of you but good luck..

P.S.  There are a large percentage of jobs especially now since Covid that allow their employees to work remotely.  

Since you're able to care for your young grandkids and you have a computer, then it would seem you'd be able to find some sort of work either in office sitting down or remotely.

If no skills, there are classes at community colleges etc..

Have you explored those opportunities, in my neck of the woods, there are many.  Many companies even prefer their employees to work remotely!

I think your time and energy would be better spent learning to become self-sufficient versus chatting on line and accepting money from a man you haven't seen since 1991.

I hope you did not give him your banking info (not smart for a number of reasons) and that you're not having cyber sex with him.

 

 

[SooSad33]

12 hours ago, BratT said:

But I have always been very upfront and told him , I'm a mess and it will take me a long time because it was almost my whole life with my husband, I was 14 , now 51. I told him don't pass up an opportunity that could be there in front of you to wait on me because I'm a mess and broken..he said he is patient and will wait as long as it takes 

I see, okay.

So, I do still suggest YOU take it easy for a while yet.

Is fine to see this guy as a good friend, but be cautious. Because at this time, you do not sound too healthy, mentally 😞 and its totally understandable, You suffered a great loss and experienced it in a rough sense.

So you two have spoken on the phone, cam or something?

How about you at least arrange an afternoon meet up some weekend, to start with? ( He needs to understand that you're not okay and need a good amt of time still ....).

My ex has twice now gone and made stoopid mistakes of running to see two women who were a distance away, which left him 'stuck' there and nowhere to go 😕 . As he assumed they were 'worth' the trip ( 2 weeks with them) - and it was not! lol

Recently my kid agreed to take him to this ladies house so he didn't have to drive or take a long bus ride - he didn't last 2 weeks! .. I knew it, lol.  Kids now heading back to pick him up.  We got called after only 5 days 😉 .  I said, the guy is obviously NOT in his right mind in this!  He already did something similar once.. and a few yrs later, he did it again!?

I said, why couldn't they just have an afternoon meet up and see if they vibe at all, to begin with.  Then maybe a weekend together.. and go from there.  Nope, lets just jump right into it! 😕  Geeze.

Anyways, take it slowly as you are.. and take it easy. Be kind to yourself. Don't let anyone push you to do anything.  Do only as YOU seem fit 🙂 .

I also suggest you consider some prof help re: your PTSD.  Therapy does help. 

One day at a time.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/26/2024 at 1:41 AM, BratT said:

Quite a few high school friends reached out with condolences and everything afterwards, But 1  of them was true to their word and was there for me on some very very dark nights.. he would chat with me and talk me through it and talk about my late husband with much respect. Well about the year mark he said he had a confession...he told me that even in highschool he had a crush and feelings for me but because I was with my husband he never said anything...he told me he knows he could never take my late husbands place, but want to build a new and to add to the love we had. 

@BratTI apologize if my previous post sounded harsh but I am actually quite concerned for you. 

Reading the quoted above, something sounds terribly fishy about it especially the bolded. 

For a man you hadn't talked to in 33 years and who you never even dated back in HS nor were aware he had a crush on you, to reach out saying all this right from the getgo is extremely troubling!

I mean build a new life and add to the love you shared? Really?  What love?  You never even dated!

Right there my spiny senses would have been going kaploey which translates to immediate block, delete.

But you're lonely and vulnerable so continued talking and guess what, HE knows that too!

There are people out there (men and women) who seek out others in the same situation - widows/widowers who are lonely and vulnerable for the purpose of eventually taking advantage.

Please do some research and become aware because there have been many instances where people (and their families) have been scammed and lost thousands of dollars!  

These "scammers" first seek your trust by sending YOU money.

Once they have your banking info they can use to learn your background, family members' backgrounds and their personal information including banking, and hack into their accounts and steal money. 

I'm not making this up or exaggerating, this happens, it's very real.

That is why I said I hope you did not give him your banking info or any other private personal information.

Anyway, not saying your guy is definitely a scammer, but it does sound quite odd and frankly VERY troubling. 

Just stay aware that's all and as mentioned previously it would be a really good idea to learn to become self-sufficient so you're not so dependent on family and tempted to believe, get involved with and accept money from virtual strangers off the internet or anywhere else.

Take care and best of luck.

[ShySoul]

17 hours ago, BratT said:

But I have always been very upfront and told him , I'm a mess and it will take me a long time because it was almost my whole life with my husband, I was 14 , now 51. I told him don't pass up an opportunity that could be there in front of you to wait on me because I'm a mess and broken..he said he is patient and will wait as long as it takes 

A good man will wait as long as it takes. A good man will not pressure or expect you to do anything you are not comfortable with. A good man will support you in any way you need - emotionally and financially. In every way he has proven himself to be a good man.

In his mind, he isn't passing up opportunities. He isn't missing out. He is being there for his friend whom he would do anything for. 

Take whatever time you need and do what is right for you. Odds are he will be fine with it and will still be there every step of the way. 

 

[yogacat]

No. Here's why. You're grieving the loss of your 35 year relationship and not thinking clearly. You're not ready or able to do anything but end up in the same position as when you met your husband, with young children at a time in your lives when you should be planning for and enjoying late retirement.

I am so sorry you lost your husband but please don't do a "grass is greener" scenario without thinking it over without emotion. This guy has probably rekindled feelings you didn't know you had and if it weren't for the loss and his attentions (reminiscent of when you were young and carefree), you would probably be getting more and more lost in loneliness as time goes. He sounds like a lovely guy but you're not going to be the same person he's reconnecting with.    

It's important to remember that grief and loss can cloud our judgement and cause us to make impulsive decisions. Moving to another state and potentially disrupting the lives of your grandchild and family is not a decision to be taken lightly.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

A good man will wait as long as it takes. A good man will not pressure or expect you to do anything you are not comfortable with. A good man will support you in any way you need - emotionally and financially. In every way he has proven himself to be a good man.

In his mind, he isn't passing up opportunities. He isn't missing out. He is being there for his friend whom he would do anything for. 

Take whatever time you need and do what is right for you. Odds are he will be fine with it and will still be there every step of the way. 

 

In her case I would take no money from this person unless they get together and are living together where they have a financial arrangement and he loans her a little $ from time to time if needed -and she pays it back.  I would not expect him to wait at all. If he is looking for a serious relationship and she is not available and doesn't know when she would be then he can be a good man and take care of what he wants out of life.  If I'd told my future husband that I wasn't sure about doing long distance or wasn't sure about relocating to be with him if we married he'd have been the same awesome man he is and likely told me "that's too bad -I need someone who is sure because otherwise it could jeopardize my career and because I am in my late 30s and I want to have a family in the not too distant future."  This man barely knows her at this point in their lives -it would be foolish for him to put his life on hold for her unless there's a fairly specific time line and it works for him.

[lostandhurt]

This whole thing sounds fishy to me and reminds me of vultures in dating. These vultures look for the meek or weak, distraught or lonely and they circle taking their time before they come in close.

In your own words you are a mess right now and he is a comforting voice and friend.  There are people in this world that prey on the weak among us and actually seek them out and like it when they hear things like "I am a mess right now"  Say you move there one day before you get your stuff together he will have way to much power over your life.  That is not a good place to be no matter the circumstances.  You will be dependent on him for everything. 

  Since he sounds like he has the means suggest he comes all the way to visit you for a day.  You know the area so think of some stuff to do during the day and if he says yes make a plan.  Then you will be on your home turf and close to family just in case it goes sideways. 

 There is nothing like an in person meet and spending hours with someone to help you discover who they really are.

 Although it is nice to think fairly tale we would be doing you a huge disservice if we encouraged you to keep your head in the clouds on this one.

Let us know how it all works out

Lost