High School crush now wants me to move in 33 yrs later

[BratT]

Hello,

Sorry it will be long but needed for context...I am a widow of 2 years now. My late husband (51) and I (51) had started our relationship when I was 14 and he was 15. We had 35 amazing years we were true soul mates, 2 people who seemed to share one soul, 2 amazing boys and I am expecting our 4th grandchild in September. As most couples do we had discussed it several times that we would want the other one to go on and be happy and live life to the fullest when they was ready. 

Quite a few high school friends reached out with condolences and everything afterwards, But 1  of them was true to their word and was there for me on some very very dark nights.. he would chat with me and talk me through it and talk about my late husband with much respect. Well about the year mark he said he had a confession...he told me that even in highschool he had a crush and feelings for me but because I was with my husband he never said anything...he told me he knows he could never take my late husbands place, but want to build a new and to add to the love we had. 

I told him, that I didn't know if I wanted to have another relationship or anything and I didn't quite feel ready yet, that I felt like it would be breaking my vows . He said he understood and would leave me alone, I said no I still wanted to talk to him and everything I was just not ready for that. He lives in another state and we have just been chatting and talking off and on over the last year. I was seeing a counselor and everything, as the year went on we got  kind of close but nothing big, and to shorten this some, I developed what I call a very deep caring friendship romance...

So I asked how would this work we live in opposite states , I don't want you to leave your job, sell your house come here and it not work, best scenario would be for me to go there. BUT I am the sole caregiver to grandkids while parents are at work, my oldest grandson (4 in Aug) his parents split just a month before my husband passed. So the poor boy has had a lot to deal with in 2 yrs, he has 2 new siblings, moms BF (who over steps and tries to control everything), dad's GF, loosing his grandpa, and they was inseparable from day one, they was each other's whole world. I have lived with him his whole life and been there.Do I dare do this and maybe upset the whole family? I told him I would come for a couple visits first to see, but I don't want to leave my grandkids with nobody to watch them, my mom is in her mid 80s ...Am I selfish for wanting this? I'm lonely and I know he would treat me very very well and I can tell he cares for me very deeply. It's less than half a days drive back and forth but what do I do?

[DarkCh0c0]

32 minutes ago, BratT said:

Quite a few high school friends reached out with condolences and everything afterwards, But 1  of them was true to their word and was there for me on some very very dark nights.. he would chat with me and talk me through it and talk about my late husband with much respect. Well about the year mark he said he had a confession...he told me that even in highschool he had a crush and feelings for me but because I was with my husband he never said anything...he told me he knows he could never take my late husbands place, but want to build a new and to add to the love we had. 

Was all that going on online?

What is his status? Single, married, ect?

33 minutes ago, BratT said:

So I asked how would this work we live in opposite states , I don't want you to leave your job, sell your house come here and it not work, best scenario would be for me to go there

Absolutely not. He shouldn't drop everything, and so shouldn't you. Not at this point. I'd like to know how frequently you've been meetings and who has been visiting who?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, BratT said:

I know he would treat me very very well

Actually, you don't know that. 

By the sounds of it, you haven't actually spent any time with this person in decades (correct me if I am wrong, of course) You don't know what he is like in a relationship. He might be wonderful to you, yes, but there is also every chance that he's not a good partner or you wouldn't mesh well in real life after all this time. You don't know anything for sure at this point. 

Please don't get too ahead of yourselves in imagining a life together when you have not even dated. That's putting the cart before the horse and it's not wise. At most, you could visit each other a bit and see how things translate in person. 

But on this note, can't your chlidren hire a babysitter occasionally? Why does this all fall on you?

2 hours ago, BratT said:

I don't want to leave my grandkids with nobody to watch them

 

[Andrina]

Since I did OLD for several years after my first marriage ended, I learned that all that talk before meeting wasn't worth any weight compared to physically meeting a person. Not that I talked to any of them more than a few weeks, but even in that time I liked their photos, their e-mails and texts, and a few phone calls that left me feeling excited and telling myself foolish things like certain coincidences made it essentially fate that we should meet (like the both of us owning beagles.) The majority of the time, everything fell apart upon the actual meeting, with one or both of us not feeling the chemistry. Or, their personality turned offensive or they showed their craziness, or they'd lied about particulars.

In many cases, it's family that ties us to a place. Otherwise, a person might be compelled to move anywhere else appealing. 

You're saying you'd like to be there for your grandkids and mother because they need you and you love them and you're willing to help. They are permanent in your life and that's not changing.

Whereas, this man, practically a stranger for all intents and purposes, is one among countless many who could be candidates for dating.

I believe you do him a disservice by continuing to talk to him when you found out that you and he had different goals. Basically that he wanted romance and you wanted a compassionate, listening ear. That was basically using him and not freeing him to find that romance he's seeking. Not to say he's definitely some great guy who's a catch, since if he's good looking and has a nice personality, why hasn't he been successful in the dating world locally? He might have things to temporarily hide being long distance.

Anyway, you might now think of this as a turning point where you now see that male attention and a listening ear feels pretty good and that you're willing to give dating a go. In your shoes, I'd then attempt local dating and tell the former school mate you decided you're not uprooting and that for the both of your sakes, that you two will have to go no contact.

In doing this, you can have the best of both worlds. Keeping the family dynamic and responsibilities as is, and dating someone locally for the next chapter in your life.

Believe me when I say that if you think you'll meet the next major love of your life on the first try dating someone, that would be quite miraculous, even with the former classmate. It takes a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure, so keep your expectations realistic. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[TeeDee]

Do not move, at least not now.  You have too many responsibilities & a life where you are.   You knew who this crush was in HS; 3 decades later you don't really know who he is now.  

Date, have fun.  See what the future brings.  Kids grow up.  Parents pass away.  

The timing is not right for a move at this point.  It may be in the future.  

[ShySoul]

Listen to your heart. What is it telling you do to?

You are not selfish for wanting companionship and love. You are not selfish for not wanting to be lonely. There will be a time, be it now or later on, when you will need to move on and do what is best for you. Your family should want you to be happy and encourage you to do what will be best for you. They can always arrange for other plans and should not rely on you to be the babysitter forever. That would not be fair for you. 

So far this guy has been nothing but respectful and patient. He held his tongue on his feeling when you were young so that you could have the relationship that would make you happy. He still feels that way over thirty years later. He was there in your grief and respected you enough to give you all the time you needed, even when his feelings were too strong to hold in any longer. You've been talking for some time. You've bonded over sadness. I think you do now him by now and he has proven himself to be a good man.

If you believe it is worth pursuing, if it might bring you happiness, then it is worth it to see what can happen. If you aren't ready for either to move, do long distance. If he has waited this long, it seems he is willing to wait a little longer. Go at your pace and do what you are comfortable with. Less then half a day's journey isn't to far. You can take turns seeing each other. You can be together virtually and in person.

Do what will bring you the most happiness and joy. It's what your late husband would have wanted for you.

[LotusBlack]

I also feel uneasy about the fact he helped you through your grief whilst being interested in you romantically. Someone who has feelings generally cannot operate purely on a platonic basis. I don’t mean to say he was manipulating the situation intentionally, but I do feel it was inappropriate to be the one helping you through this great loss when he held such romantic feelings. It would give me pause even if there was no agenda.

[rainbowsandroses]

Hello @BratT first off my condolences.  It sounds like you had a beautiful marriage, lots of great times together and memories to cherish.  Be thankful for those and hopefully you will have more with other men as you continue your journey.  At 51, you are still relatively young in the grand scheme.

Re the HS guy, logistically I don't see this working due to distance, your grandkids, etc not to mention as others mentioned, online interactions and connections are not a true judge of how two people will connect and get on in real life.

There is quite a bit of fantasy and idealism attached to such interactions and unless and until you meet in person after so many years, you just won't know.  

If/when you do meet and assuming you click, it's also important to consider how often you can visit each other, spend time in person getting to know each other and building something solid together.

So lots of "ifs" right now but if you want to continue interacting to see where it would lead, if you're enjoying the connection for the sheer joy (and fun) of it without expectations, I don't see the harm.

You can use it as a sort of safe stepping stone into the new world of dating and new feelings for you as long as you're honest and not misleading him in any way.

Try and stay away from future talk and getting ahead of yourselves, it's not realistic at this point.  You may need to be the one to slow that down and/or put it in proper perspective.

Up to you, I probably would in your shoes.

Good luck!!!

 

 

[lostandhurt]

First off condolences on your loss.  It is heartwarming to hear of a loving devoted couple like you two were.  Congratulations on making such a wonderful life and family.

  You have never really dated since you started so young with your husband so you have no context to view this from.  I see you trying to work out details that really do not matter at the moment since you have not seen this man since you were teens.

 What you need to decide is this:  Should I even start this knowing one of us will need to move?

To be straight with you I could see you going there, meeting him and really getting along well and in time even falling for him but then what?  It is just a visit right?  Could you both do long distance?  It could be fun having a place to escape to at his house for a week at a time and he could do the same at yours but is that what you want really?  You have been with the same man all your adult life and I imagine grown accustomed to having your man with you daily.

  This is a tough choice but there is no rush.  You are vulnerable and still mourning the loss of the love of your life but loneliness has a way of steering our choices doesn't it? 

Mom, the grand kids and all that is important but so is your heart.

  If I were you I would suggest meeting somewhere in the middle, spend a day together and the answer just might show itself.  If not it will give you more information about who he is now.

 I didn't see where you said you are physically attracted to him.  Is there a physical attraction on your part or just emotional?  Do you feel like he is a lifeline for your life now that it has suddenly changed?

 There are tons of men locally you can meet and date when you feel ready, especially if this man feels like a sip of cool water to a person dying of thirst perhaps you should keep it friends only.

Lost

[ShySoul]

40 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

Someone who has feelings generally cannot operate purely on a platonic basis.

Happened to me. She genuinely wanted what was best for me, even if that meant helping me end up with someone else. She helped me though a lot of grief and pain I was experiencing at the time. And she did it in an entirely appropriate and honest manner.

Some people are perfectly capable of having feelings for someone and setting them aside to give the other whatever they need. Some people can love another enough just to want what's best for the other, without concern or thought about themselves. And, in my mind, that shows just how true and strong that love is. 

13 hours ago, BratT said:

I'm lonely and I know he would treat me very very well and I can tell he cares for me very deeply

BratT, there is no right or wrong choice here. There is only you and how you feel. If you feel you are ready to start a new relationship, if you feel he cares for you and is a good man... then trust your feelings. If you don't feel you are ready... trust your feelings. Anything can happen in the future. Things may or may not work out. What counts is what will make you happy here and now. Do what makes you feel happiest.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Happened to me. She genuinely wanted what was best for me, even if that meant helping me end up with someone else. She helped me though a lot of grief and pain I was experiencing at the time. And she did it in an entirely appropriate and honest manner.

Some people are perfectly capable of having feelings for someone and setting them aside to give the other whatever they need. Some people can love another enough just to want what's best for the other, without concern or thought about themselves. And, in my mind, that shows just how true and strong that love is. 

It definitely is possible, but not the case for most people, in my experience, which is why I was careful to say 'generally'. There isn't anything inherently wrong with how he has behaved and I don't think - based on the info we have at present - that he is a bad guy or acting on a nefarious agenda. All I am saying, is it would make me feel uneasy and give me pause. It may be a feeling that can be overcome in due course, in which case, great. Or, the feeling could slowly intensify. Only time will tell.

I wish OP all the best going forward and echo other comments advising to not make any hasty decisions (regarding moving) - maybe do a few weekends here and there where you each visit each other and get a feel for what a potential relationship could be like and then from that you can decide the nature of your relationship. If things do progress into a relationship, I think a good idea would be to date long-distance with frequent visits for some time before deciding on whether either one of you moving is the best choice for you and your relationship - a transition period, if you will. Good luck!

[ShySoul]

Just my opinion, but he sounds like a true gentleman who has stood by your side for a long time with no expectations of anything in return. He was willing to walk away entirely if you felt uncomfortable. A man like that is rare. 

You've been talking to him for over a year. You've clearly given this thought. Any decision would not be hasty. Take whatever time you need, but in the end, just follow your heart. It already knows what you want.

[Batya33]

Are your children paying you for the childcare you provide? How do they feel about hiring a full time nanny?Was it understood that your care was temporary? We had zero family help because we moved and also our parents were either unable to or caring full time for a disabled spouse -they'd have loved to help had they been younger and lived closer. I don't think grandparents are required to help. But depending on the particulars of the arrangement it does make me pause as far as you up and leaving.

I'm sorry for your loss!!

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, BratT said:

..he told me that even in highschool he had a crush and feelings for me but because I was with my husband he never said anything...he told me he knows he could never take my late husbands place, but want to build a new and to add to the love we had. 

Sorry, but what 'love' did you have? 

You do need to realize that those past 'high school crushes' were just that. and then we grow up!  Believe me, he won't be the person you remember, only more tarnished - usually.  because I am sure he's had his own past experiences by now as well and is possible a few things changed him!  not always for the better.

I know, cause I've been there, lol.  With a few of my 'old crushes'. One's miserable, one's an alcoholic and one's a cheater.

 

16 hours ago, BratT said:

I told him, that I didn't know if I wanted to have another relationship or anything and I didn't quite feel ready yet, that I felt like it would be breaking my vows . He said he understood and would leave me alone, I said no I still wanted to talk to him and everything I was just not ready for that. He lives in another state and we have just been chatting and talking off and on over the last year. I was seeing a counselor and everything, as the year went on we got  kind of close but nothing big, and to shorten this some, I developed what I call a very deep caring friendship romance...

Right, and I feel, at this time, this is how you should remain.  You're possibly still in mourning and Yes, I can very well understand you yearning for some 'company' due to feeling a little lonely now 😕 , but maybe NOT this way.

How about a support group for those dealing with loss? ( grieving).  And something or someone more local to you?

Do you get out much?  Have some friends nearby?  How about giving this all more time - at least another year, then see how you're feeling.

As you mentioned, its not only this and his location, but also your own family ( kids/ grandkids etc).  I have a feeling you'd end up really missing them, feeling guilt etc, if you just left - for this man you really don't even know anymore.

I find that journaling helps a lot - as you can 'get it out' another way, your thoughts & emotions.  And just getting out there & doing things.. take walks, enjoy nature, a hobby etc.  YOU need to learn who you are now and be okay with this 🙂 .  Be you and come to feel okay & yourself again.

Give it all more time and go a day at a time.  More time, to figure things out.

[Lambert]

16 hours ago, BratT said:

I don't want you to leave your job, sell your house come here and it not work, best scenario would be for me to go there.

Hi BratT.  I am sorry for your loss.❤️

Why is it best for you to move there? 

I think it's a pretty big risk to move somewhere for someone else.  Especially since you haven't spent any time together in person. 

You are very involved with your family and it will be a huge change to adjust to. Is this what you really want? 

Being close over the phone is totally different than in person. You knew each other a long time ago and as kids. It naturally strengthens a connection but I would not put a lot of stock in it. Only time will tell.

You both need to visit each other and see how it is.... Too soon for moving in discussions. I think its ok for that to be a hopeful intent should it work out that way. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Believe me, he won't be the person you remember, only more tarnished - usually.  because I am sure he's had his own past experiences by now as well and is possible a few things changed him!  not always for the better.

17 hours ago, BratT said:

He lives in another state and we have just been chatting and talking off and on over the last year. I was seeing a counselor and everything, as the year went on we got  kind of close but nothing big, and to shorten this some, I developed what I call a very deep caring friendship romance...

He doesn't have to be the person she remembered. She has been speaking with him for a year. This isn't some new relationship that is just happening. This is a romance born out of a year of being friends and becoming closer. She knows who he is right now and has feelings based upon the person he has shown himself to be here, now, today - a person who has stood by her through a difficult time and not pressured her at all.

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry for your loss. Have the two of you ever even visited in person? This sounds alarmingly premature to speak of cohabitating without having been dating in person to learn whether that's even a valid thing to ever consider. A half a day's drive is doable for both of you to visit one another and make dates to meet in the middle on occasion.

Unless and until you're both willing to do that, you're just creating and feeding a fantasy upon which to base more fantasy. I'd stop doing that, dig in, and learn the realities of where you may eventually want to stand with this man--or not.

Any talk of either of you selling assets and moving is not wise, and from an objective standpoint, it even sounds suspicious. If I were your adult child, I would be concerned about this stranger taking advantage of you.

[BratT]

11 hours ago, Andrina said:

Since I did OLD for several years after my first marriage ended, I learned that all that talk before meeting wasn't worth any weight compared to physically meeting a person. Not that I talked to any of them more than a few weeks, but even in that time I liked their photos, their e-mails and texts, and a few phone calls that left me feeling excited and telling myself foolish things like certain coincidences made it essentially fate that we should meet (like the both of us owning beagles.) The majority of the time, everything fell apart upon the actual meeting, with one or both of us not feeling the chemistry. Or, their personality turned offensive or they showed their craziness, or they'd lied about particulars.

In many cases, it's family that ties us to a place. Otherwise, a person might be compelled to move anywhere else appealing. 

You're saying you'd like to be there for your grandkids and mother because they need you and you love them and you're willing to help. They are permanent in your life and that's not changing.

Whereas, this man, practically a stranger for all intents and purposes, is one among countless many who could be candidates for dating.

I believe you do him a disservice by continuing to talk to him when you found out that you and he had different goals. Basically that he wanted romance and you wanted a compassionate, listening ear. That was basically using him and not freeing him to find that romance he's seeking. Not to say he's definitely some great guy who's a catch, since if he's good looking and has a nice personality, why hasn't he been successful in the dating world locally? He might have things to temporarily hide being long distance.

Anyway, you might now think of this as a turning point where you now see that male attention and a listening ear feels pretty good and that you're willing to give dating a go. In your shoes, I'd then attempt local dating and tell the former school mate you decided you're not uprooting and that for the both of your sakes, that you two will have to go no contact.

In doing this, you can have the best of both worlds. Keeping the family dynamic and responsibilities as is, and dating someone locally for the next chapter in your life.

Believe me when I say that if you think you'll meet the next major love of your life on the first try dating someone, that would be quite miraculous, even with the former classmate. It takes a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure, so keep your expectations realistic. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I told him from the jump that I was not interested in a relationship. Wasn't sure if I ever wanted none again . He said that was fine and would still be a friend if I wanted. I told him several times I was no where near ready and that he should wait on me and pass up a chance that could be right in front of him. It's only been the last 2 months I've even entertained the idea of a relationship and I let him know even then I wasn't still sure that I would want to see him in person and whatever before I even seriously thought about it. 

[BratT]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry for your loss. Have the two of you ever even visited in person? This sounds alarmingly premature to speak of cohabitating without having been dating in person to learn whether that's even a valid thing to ever consider. A half a day's drive is doable for both of you to visit one another and make dates to meet in the middle on occasion.

Unless and until you're both willing to do that, you're just creating and feeding a fantasy upon which to base more fantasy. I'd stop doing that, dig in, and learn the realities of where you may eventually want to stand with this man--or not.

Any talk of either of you selling assets and moving is not wise, and from an objective standpoint, it even sounds suspicious. If I were your adult child, I would be concerned about this stranger taking advantage of you.

No we have not seen each other in person since 1991...and I did tell him I want to visit back and forth for awhile to see how things are in person before I make a decision. I wouldn't have any assets not sell. He has actually sent me quite a bit of money, without me asking, for things things I need. I had 2 accidents in 10 weeks in 2015 an I'm not able to work, so I have no income while I fight for social security. I live with my youngest son and grandkids , to help them save money I watch the kids. 

I told him from the jump that I was not interested in a relationship. Wasn't sure if I ever wanted none again . He said that was fine and would still be a friend if I wanted. I told him several times I was no where near ready and that he should wait on me and pass up a chance that could be right in front of him. It's only been the last 2 months I've even entertained the idea of a relationship and I let him know even then I wasn't still sure that I would want to see him in person and whatever before I even seriously thought about it. 

[BratT]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry for your loss. Have the two of you ever even visited in person? This sounds alarmingly premature to speak of cohabitating without having been dating in person to learn whether that's even a valid thing to ever consider. A half a day's drive is doable for both of you to visit one another and make dates to meet in the middle on occasion.

Unless and until you're both willing to do that, you're just creating and feeding a fantasy upon which to base more fantasy. I'd stop doing that, dig in, and learn the realities of where you may eventually want to stand with this man--or not.

Any talk of either of you selling assets and moving is not wise, and from an objective standpoint, it even sounds suspicious. If I were your adult child, I would be concerned about this stranger taking advantage of you.

 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry for your loss. Have the two of you ever even visited in person? This sounds alarmingly premature to speak of cohabitating without having been dating in person to learn whether that's even a valid thing to ever consider. A half a day's drive is doable for both of you to visit one another and make dates to meet in the middle on occasion.

Unless and until you're both willing to do that, you're just creating and feeding a fantasy upon which to base more fantasy. I'd stop doing that, dig in, and learn the realities of where you may eventually want to stand with this man--or not.

Any talk of either of you selling assets and moving is not wise, and from an objective standpoint, it even sounds suspicious. If I were your adult child, I would be concerned about this stranger taking advantage of you.

 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry for your loss. Have the two of you ever even visited in person? This sounds alarmingly premature to speak of cohabitating without having been dating in person to learn whether that's even a valid thing to ever consider. A half a day's drive is doable for both of you to visit one another and make dates to meet in the middle on occasion.

Unless and until you're both willing to do that, you're just creating and feeding a fantasy upon which to base more fantasy. I'd stop doing that, dig in, and learn the realities of where you may eventually want to stand with this man--or not.

Any talk of either of you selling assets and moving is not wise, and from an objective standpoint, it even sounds suspicious. If I were your adult child, I would be concerned about this stranger taking advantage of you.

 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry for your loss. Have the two of you ever even visited in person? This sounds alarmingly premature to speak of cohabitating without having been dating in person to learn whether that's even a valid thing to ever consider. A half a day's drive is doable for both of you to visit one another and make dates to meet in the middle on occasion.

Unless and until you're both willing to do that, you're just creating and feeding a fantasy upon which to base more fantasy. I'd stop doing that, dig in, and learn the realities of where you may eventually want to stand with this man--or not.

Any talk of either of you selling assets and moving is not wise, and from an objective standpoint, it even sounds suspicious. If I were your adult child, I would be concerned about this stranger taking advantage of you

 

No we have not seen each other in person since 1991...and I did tell him I want to visit back and forth for awhile to see how things are in person before I make a decision. I wouldn't have any assets not sell. He has actually sent me quite a bit of money, without me asking, for things things I need. I had 2 accidents in 10 weeks in 2015 an I'm not able to work, so I have no income while I fight for social security. I live with my youngest son and grandkids , to help them save money I watch the kids. 

I told him from the jump that I was not interested in a relationship. Wasn't sure if I ever wanted none again . He said that was fine and would still be a friend if I wanted. I told him several times I was no where near ready and that he should wait on me and pass up a chance that could be right in front of him. It's only been the last 2 months I've even entertained the idea of a relationship and I let him know even then I wasn't still sure that I would want to see him in person and whatever before I even seriously thought about it. 

[BratT]

7 hours ago, Lambert said:

Hi BratT.  I am sorry for your loss.❤️

Why is it best for you to move there? 

I think it's a pretty big risk to move somewhere for someone else.  Especially since you haven't spent any time together in person. 

You are very involved with your family and it will be a huge change to adjust to. Is this what you really want? 

Being close over the phone is totally different than in person. You knew each other a long time ago and as kids. It naturally strengthens a connection but I would not put a lot of stock in it. Only time will tell.

You both need to visit each other and see how it is.... Too soon for moving in discussions. I think its ok for that to be a hopeful intent should it work out that way. 

No we have not seen each other in person since 1991...and I did tell him I want to visit back and forth for awhile to see how things are in person before I make a decision. I wouldn't have any assets not sell. He has actually sent me quite a bit of money, without me asking, for things things I need. I had 2 accidents in 10 weeks in 2015 an I'm not able to work, so I have no income while I fight for social security. I live with my youngest son and grandkids , to help them save money I watch the kids. 

I told him from the jump that I was not interested in a relationship. Wasn't sure if I ever wanted none again . He said that was fine and would still be a friend if I wanted. I told him several times I was no where near ready and that he should wait on me and pass up a chance that could be right in front of him. It's only been the last 2 months I've even entertained the idea of a relationship and I let him know even then I wasn't still sure that I would want to see him in person and whatever before I even seriously thought about it. 

[BratT]

7 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Sorry, but what 'love' did you have? 

You do need to realize that those past 'high school crushes' were just that. and then we grow up!  Believe me, he won't be the person you remember, only more tarnished - usually.  because I am sure he's had his own past experiences by now as well and is possible a few things changed him!  not always for the better.

I know, cause I've been there, lol.  With a few of my 'old crushes'. One's miserable, one's an alcoholic and one's a cheater.

 

Right, and I feel, at this time, this is how you should remain.  You're possibly still in mourning and Yes, I can very well understand you yearning for some 'company' due to feeling a little lonely now 😕 , but maybe NOT this way.

How about a support group for those dealing with loss? ( grieving).  And something or someone more local to you?

Do you get out much?  Have some friends nearby?  How about giving this all more time - at least another year, then see how you're feeling.

As you mentioned, its not only this and his location, but also your own family ( kids/ grandkids etc).  I have a feeling you'd end up really missing them, feeling guilt etc, if you just left - for this man you really don't even know anymore.

I find that journaling helps a lot - as you can 'get it out' another way, your thoughts & emotions.  And just getting out there & doing things.. take walks, enjoy nature, a hobby etc.  YOU need to learn who you are now and be okay with this 🙂 .  Be you and come to feel okay & yourself again.

Give it all more time and go a day at a time.  More time, to figure things out.

I told him I wanted to visit back and forth for awhile and meet in person before I would move there. He understands and thinks that's a good idea. 

All the friends I had and said would be there no matter what, basically abandoned me. There was 3 night I was standing on the side of the road, I could here the semi coming and I almost did it. But I couldn't do that to my family it wouldn't be right. And my late husband and I promised each other we would do anything stupid and we would live life and try to be happy so we could honor the other.   I had 2 high school friends and a wrong number that turned into a really great friend that was there for me...I live in a very rural area in a town of a out 500 people , I looked for support groups and everything there just isn't any in person ones. I am part of 2 online ones and I have been seeing a counselor since, because I had to do CPR on him and watch EMTs so what they did , as I screamed and begged him to stay. Now I've been diagnosed with PTSD  because of nightmares and flashbacks of that night. 

But I have always been very upfront and told him , I'm a mess and it will take me a long time because it was almost my whole life with my husband, I was 14 , now 51. I told him don't pass up an opportunity that could be there in front of you to wait on me because I'm a mess and broken..he said he is patient and will wait as long as it takes 

[BratT]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Are your children paying you for the childcare you provide? How do they feel about hiring a full time nanny?Was it understood that your care was temporary? We had zero family help because we moved and also our parents were either unable to or caring full time for a disabled spouse -they'd have loved to help had they been younger and lived closer. I don't think grandparents are required to help. But depending on the particulars of the arrangement it does make me pause as far as you up and leaving.

I'm sorry for your loss!!

No I am not paid, I live with them. I had 2 accidents in 10 weeks time in 2015 that left me unable to work. When my husband passed I lost all income I had as well. So I live with my youngest son and grandkids and watch the kids in exchange for "rent and utilities" . Though they would never charge me anyway, but they also pay for all of my needs or whatever...it would be awhile before I go anywhere, I'm just putting it out there for opinions and ideas to help me weigh all my options..

[BratT]

23 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Was all that going on online?

What is his status? Single, married, ect?

Absolutely not. He shouldn't drop everything, and so shouldn't you. Not at this point. I'd like to know how frequently you've been meetings and who has been visiting who?

It would be awhile before I actually do anything, just putting it out there to help me weigh my options.No we have not seen each other in person since 1991...and I did tell him I want to visit back and forth for awhile to see how things are in person before I make a decision. I wouldn't have any assets not sell. He has actually sent me quite a bit of money, without me asking, for things things I need. I had 2 accidents in 10 weeks in 2015 an I'm not able to work, so I have no income while I fight for social security. I live with my youngest son and grandkids , to help them save money I watch the kids. 

I told him from the jump that I was not interested in a relationship. Wasn't sure if I ever wanted none again . He said that was fine and would still be a friend if I wanted. I told him several times I was no where near ready and that he should wait on me and pass up a chance that could be right in front of him. It's only been the last 2 months I've even entertained the idea of a relationship and I let him know even then I wasn't still sure that I would want to see him in person and whatever before I even seriously thought about it. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 minutes ago, BratT said:

It would be awhile before I actually do anything, just putting it out there to help me weigh my options.No we have not seen each other in person since 1991...and I did tell him I want to visit back and forth for awhile to see how things are in person before I make a decision. I wouldn't have any assets not sell. He has actually sent me quite a bit of money, without me asking, for things things I need. I had 2 accidents in 10 weeks in 2015 an I'm not able to work, so I have no income while I fight for social security. I live with my youngest son and grandkids , to help them save money I watch the kids. 

I told him from the jump that I was not interested in a relationship. Wasn't sure if I ever wanted none again . He said that was fine and would still be a friend if I wanted. I told him several times I was no where near ready and that he should wait on me and pass up a chance that could be right in front of him. It's only been the last 2 months I've even entertained the idea of a relationship and I let him know even then I wasn't still sure that I would want to see him in person and whatever before I even seriously thought about it. 

Good.

Maybe you are still vulnerable from being recently single, or maybe you think it'll be as easy to find a great love same way it happened with your late husband, but it won't be.

I'd say focus on you. If he ever was truly interested, he would have flown over for a weekend to see and gauge if there's anything there to build on (physical chemistry and so forth). But he's not. Even as a friend. Maybe there's some wishful thinking, but nothing is too serious here.