Wow, so disappointed 😓

[catfeeder]

Okay, I can't speak for you, only myself. Given the years of dedicated friendship, it wouldn't even occur to me to be trigger-happy about the money. I'd operate under the assumption that she's good for it--especially given that I'm the one who pulled out, not her. And yes, I'd feel awful about disappointing a friend who was looking forward to this time together--and that might be my driver for jumping to the offensive position. All the more reason for being HAPPY that she was able to salvage the trip for herself.

Expecting friend to reschedule the trip again so soon, for the very next week, would be a tall order, especially given her travel constraints, the arrangements she made, and especially if a mani-pedi was involved--who needs one of those so quickly?

I'd pull back on the thief and false friend rhetoric. It would not do my own psyche any good. It's an emotional knee-jerk to my own disappointment at my own loss of the trip mixed with a bit of jealousy that friend got to enjoy it without me--as she certainly should have.

YEARS of friendship needn't devolve into a squabble about that. Your highest intelligence knows this. The woman will want to go again at some point, or otherwise treat you to something else that's fun--or otherwise return the money. See how that goes rather than auto-jump on a victim train, because no matter how validating that might feel, losing a dedicated friend of (how many?) years over my own hyper-charged reaction just makes no sense.

Head high, darling. Even on top of your Momma-stress, you CAN operate as your best and wisest self.

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Okay, I can't speak for you, only myself. Given the years of dedicated friendship, it wouldn't even occur to me to be trigger-happy about the money. I'd operate under the assumption that she's good for it--especially given that I'm the one who pulled out, not her. And yes, I'd feel awful about disappointing a friend who was looking forward to this time together--and that might be my driver for jumping to the offensive position. All the more reason for being HAPPY that she was able to salvage the trip for herself.

Expecting friend to reschedule the trip again so soon, for the very next week, would be a tall order, especially given her travel constraints, the arrangements she made, and especially if a mani-pedi was involved--who needs one of those so quickly?

I'd pull back on the thief and false friend rhetoric. It would not do my own psyche any good. It's an emotional knee-jerk to my own disappointment at my own loss of the trip mixed with a bit of jealousy that friend got to enjoy it without me--as she certainly should have.

YEARS of friendship needn't devolve into a squabble about that. Your highest intelligence knows this. The woman will want to go again at some point, or otherwise treat you to something else that's fun--or otherwise return the money. See how that goes rather than auto-jump on a victim train, because no matter how validating that might feel, losing a dedicated friend of (how many?) years over my own hyper-charged reaction just makes no sense.

Head high, darling. Even on top of your Momma-stress, you CAN operate as your best and wisest self.

The arrangements she made was me getting her there and back . 

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

The arrangements she made was me getting her there and back . 

My sister recently planned a spa day for herself and me. I was in the room while she made the appointments. It was not simple to coordinate services. And getting there and back was no picnic, either. Plus hotel arrangements... I remember how people in the travel industry used to make a living arranging this stuff for others--it's hard.

Dearest. You can cling to rage about this if you want to, but I think the bigger part of you doesn't want to. It's severely misplaced. Your friend had the best intentions to spend valuable time with YOU, and it wasn't her fault that it got blown up.

I hope for your sake you'll allow for a cooler head to prevail. You own that place within yourself. It's higher and smarter than the victim place. You've come far too far to go there. ((((HUG)))

[Seraphim]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

My sister recently planned a spa day for herself and me. I was in the room while she made the appointments. It was not simple to coordinate services. And getting there and back was no picnic, either. Plus hotel arrangements... I remember how people in the travel industry used to make a living arranging this stuff for others--it's hard.

Dearest. You can cling to rage about this if you want to, but I think the bigger part of you doesn't want to. It's severely misplaced. Your friend had the best intentions to spend valuable time with YOU, and it wasn't her fault that it got blown up.

I hope for your sake you'll allow for a cooler head to prevail. You own that place within yourself. It's higher and smarter than the victim place. You've come far too far to go there. ((((HUG)))

That may be but my mom didn’t plan to have her crown fall out the night before . Plus she is so severely physically disabled she needs me to take her . Believe me we both feel bad I couldn’t go. She didn’t care about how my mom was or that I had to miss the spa and drive 1000 KM to help my mom. 

[catfeeder]

11 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That may be but my mom didn’t plan to have her crown fall out the night before . Plus she is so severely physically disabled she needs me to take her . Believe me we both feel bad I couldn’t go. She didn’t care about how my mom was or that I had to miss the spa and drive 1000 KM to help my mom. 

I hope you'll re-read this conversation when you are less focused like a laser beam on feeling good about feeling bad.

This is no reflection on you or your poor Mom. Or especially the most generous and loving YOU that stepped up to care for Mom against such difficult requirements. And THAT may be the thing that bothers you more than anything else. Friend had been juiced up about the trip, and so in the face of such a huge disappointment she did a lousy job at producing the best reaction to that. Even while you must have felt horrible about deflating her high anticipation this way.

So why 'must' someone be the villain in this? Do you really need one of those? It was a horrible outcome for you, even while you may be feeling a bit nasty about the friend successfully salvaging the trip for herself. But, honey, if she wanted to do this with someone else she could have made those plans in the first place. She wanted to do this with YOU. Because she values YOU. So can't you give her a pass on making the best of a situation she didn't ask for?

You do love her, don't you?

[ShySoul]

39 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Given the years of dedicated friendship, it wouldn't even occur to me to be trigger-happy about the money.

Think what hurts more is the reaction after the fact. The money may have been the starting point, but the friend doesn't seem the least concern that Seraphim is out the $200 or about the emergency she went through with her mother. She's actually trying to make out look her daughter had something bad happen by missing work (voluntarily for a trip to a spa!). 

And even if this friend did come back and want to do something with her, how can she be trusted? 

The friend needs to at least acknowledge she did something that was hurtful, if not make full amends.

Though I do agree that it is best to not focus too much on the anger and hurt. It's okay to feel it for a bit, but be careful not to let it feed on itself and work you into a frenzy. Take a timeout to enjoy something more positive.

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Think what hurts more is the reaction after the fact. The money may have been the starting point, but the friend doesn't seem the least concern that Seraphim is out the $200 or about the emergency she went through with her mother. She's actually trying to make out look her daughter had something bad happen by missing work (voluntarily for a trip to a spa!). 

And even if this friend did come back and want to do something with her, how can she be trusted? 

The friend needs to at least acknowledge she did something that was hurtful, if not make full amends.

Though I do agree that it is best to not focus too much on the anger and hurt. It's okay to feel it for a bit, but be careful not to let it feed on itself and work you into a frenzy. Take a timeout to enjoy something more positive.

None of us knows any of this.

A friendship of many years, for me, would never be on the line for a couple hundred bucks based on knee-jerk assumptions.

This is an emotionally charged situation, and declaring anyone 'guilty' is far too premature, IMO.

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

None of us knows any of this.

A friendship of many years, for me, would never be on the line for a couple hundred bucks based on knee-jerk assumptions.

This is an emotionally charged situation, and declaring anyone 'guilty' is far too premature, IMO.

Don't think anyone is "guilty" or that anyone is a "villian." 

Whatever actually happened (and I have no reason to doubt Seraphim as she has always come across as honest and caring), what we do know is that it hurt Seraphim. Things may cool down, they may not. But at the very least there should be an acknowledgment of her feelings if there is to be any reconciliation. Unfortunately, at this time, the friend doesn't seem to want to do that. And yes, there is a second side to the story that I would be interested in hearing. But since we can't, think we all just want to help the friend we know and try to cheer her up.

Seraphim, take some time away from this. Have fun. Be with the family. If she does come back later, see how you feel. If not, it's not a friendship that was suppose to last.  And I hope your mother is doing well now.

 

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

And yes, there is a second side to the story that I would be interested in hearing. But since we can't, think we all just want to help the friend we know and try to cheer her up.

I agree, and so encouraging the person we care about to view her friend of many years through the worst possible lens isn't, IMO, supportive. What could feel more lousy than adopting that lens if it isn't necessary or, for all we know, appropriate?

I'm all for rah-rah when someone ditches one who is deliberately abusive or otherwise pointless to continue to engage. But a misunderstanding between friends of many years? I can only suggest caution and reframing of any emotional reflexes to burn that bridge. We're talking years here, along with an emotionally charged interpretation of an outcome that was managed on the fly by all involved.

It was a spa day, not an affair, not a ponze scheme, not a deliberate insult to anyone. Let's all allow for that to be considered--carefully.

[yogacat]

What's crappy to me is that she hasn't communicated with you about what happened and just proceeded to go to the spa with someone else on your dime?

It's understandable that emergencies come up, but it sounds like she made no attempt to reschedule or offer to reimburse you for the ticket.

Yes, give her time to explain herself, but I would hope that 10 years of friendship would warrant a more prompt and honest response.

It is very possible that she could not get out of the spa reservation, but at the very least she could have communicated that with you and returned your money.

[Batya33]

If I had been your friend my first inclination would have been to refund your $ immediately unless we had more of a take turns kind of friendship and knew we'd be going on another outing/trip soon in the same ballpark as far as amount of $ then I might write -but again I'd initiate -hey my daughter is going to go -do your prefer I send you the $200 or should we just wait till ____ when we go to___?

[yogacat]

I think she's miffed because you canceled last minute and she's responding passive aggressively.

[Capricorn3]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If I had been your friend my first inclination would have been to refund your $ immediately unless we had more of a take turns kind of friendship and knew we'd be going on another outing/trip soon in the same ballpark as far as amount of $ then I might write -but again I'd initiate -hey my daughter is going to go -do your prefer I send you the $200 or should we just wait till ____ when we go to___?

^ THIS.

[catfeeder]

29 minutes ago, yogacat said:

...and just proceeded to go to the spa with someone else on your dime?

Why the jump from everyone to assume that this was, necessarily, on Seraphim's money?

We're not privy to the conversation, only assumptions and interpretation.

These are friends of many years. Why not urge caution before understanding this friend's intentions? She was put on the spot to cancel something last minute that she was looking forward to, and she salvaged it. Who here absolutely knows that she deliberately took Seraphim's cash on a greedy mission to treat someone else--and why on earth would that automatically be anyone's interpretation?

Years--YEARS of friendship. Without other severe emotional factors at play, why would anyone auto-assume that your best friend would deliberately do that to you? And why is it in Seraphim's best interests to be encouraged to believe that about her dear, long time friend?

[catfeeder]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

...unless we had more of a take turns kind of friendship and knew we'd be going on another outing/trip soon in the same ballpark as far as amount of $...

Exactly. Why not go there, first? With a friend of many years, why would I want to adopt 'contempt prior to investigation'? That's not in my own best interests. Why not credit this friendship before adopting suspicion? Why assume zero trust at the gate, and how would that serve me?

[yogacat]

18 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why the jump from everyone to assume that this was, necessarily, on Seraphim's money?

We're not privy to the conversation, only assumptions and interpretation.

These are friends of many years. Why not urge caution before understanding this friend's intentions? She was put on the spot to cancel something last minute that she was looking forward to, and she salvaged it. Who here absolutely knows that she deliberately took Seraphim's cash on a greedy mission to treat someone else--and why on earth would that automatically be anyone's interpretation?

Years--YEARS of friendship. Without other severe emotional factors at play, why would anyone auto-assume that your best friend would deliberately do that to you? And why is it in Seraphim's best interests to be encouraged to believe that about her dear, long time friend?

Seraphim EMT'd the money to her best friend. Best friend booked the spa trip.

AFTER the funds were sent, Sera can't go. It is fairly easy to refund the money or at least tell Seraphim that she is going to take someone else and will refund part of the $200. Of course, maybe she hasn't gotten around to it yet but Seraphim reached out twice (I think?) over the course of 2 days and has not received a response.

I don't think her friend necessarily meant to stiff her on purpose, I think she is miffed that Seraphim cancelled at the last minute and is probably annoyed.

I agree with you that in any long term, genuine friendship, these things can happen and, like all families and friends, really close relationships, big and little things happen and we figure it out because we love each other. No biggie.

BUT I just think her friend could have handled it a little better. It's not a great feeling to be in limbo and ignored. Unless the friend is out of town for work or something, I would be really miffed as well.

[catfeeder]

27 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I agree with you that in any long term, genuine friendship, these things can happen and, like all families and friends, really close relationships, big and little things happen and we figure it out because we love each other. No biggie.

BUT I just think her friend could have handled it a little better. It's not a great feeling to be in limbo and ignored. Unless the friend is out of town for work or something, I would be really miffed as well.

I so agree with you. Friend may not sense or appreciate the urgency, but what, exactly IS the urgency?

That would be my own question to myself. We're not speaking about some Internet scammer. It's a friend of many years. If I put myself in this position, my first immediate emotion would be relief that friend was able to salvage her own trip. Anything after that is just a detail, with plenty of time to resolve.

Good friends are hard to find, much more so to cultivate for years. While I might be suffering my own emotions about my own loss of my trip, my first order of business would be to enjoy some relief that the damage for my friend was mitigated, and my concern about my funds would have been eclipsed by that.

Can't I trust that my close friend will make good on the outcome without cornering her into feeling defensive and guilty? And if I overstepped to elicit defensiveness from her, can't I back up and recognize that in order to salvage such a valuable relationship?

[Seraphim]

1. I paid sent her $ 130 for the basic spa package three weeks ago. 
2. I paid $100 for my share of the hotel. 
 

3. My mom lost her crown the night before I was to go. Her root was exposed and causing bad pain. 
 

4. I contacted my friend immediately and said I couldn’t go I had to take my mom to her dentist. 
 

5. She said , “ drive your mom to your brother’s and leave her there , he can take her and then come back and get me and then we can go to the spa and you can go back and get her and then go home.” That would have been a 2000 KM set of trips in that for me. My mom can’t stay at my brothers. There’s no bedroom for her and they don’t have a bathroom on the main level and she can’t climb stairs or go downstairs. Plus he could be away. He’s often not home. 

6. she told me nothing could be changed. Everything was not refundable and was canceled.

7. I see on Facebook that she went and got her daughter to drive her and go with her . I waited two days for her to mention it.
 

8. this morning I text her and said I see you went. Can you possibly send me my money back? She sent me a message saying absolutely not your money you had to forfeit and my daughter bought her own ticket and I said that may be however, I still paid for half of the hotel that she used. All I got back was well my daughter had to take two days off work to take me. Never asked about me never asked about my mother, nothing . No acknowledgement that maybe I missed out on going to the spa and none of this was my fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. It was just something that happened.

[Seraphim]

My friend is 71 and she can go to the spa at any time . 

[Batya33]

Many years ago my friend invited me on a weekend ski trip.  Plan was to share a hotel room with her and one of our mutual friends -she closer to them than me -I was going because of her.  It was a weekend ski package.  I paid my share.  Day of or so she cancels as her cat is ill -doesn't tell me from what I recall-I find out when I get to the bus taking us there and I think another friend I knew was substituted.  I did not hold it against her -and I was annoyed that she never acknowledged that she put me in a really awkward spot - because I'd not have gone if she wasn't going. Nor could I make other plans -no notice.

I understand wanting to be with your fur baby if fur baby is sick.

But I also remembered a year or so prior she begged my then boyfriend and I to attend her grad school graduation -about a 45 minute trip each way.  Begged -she said her mom bailed on her and she had no one  there.  We felt badly.  We made the trip despite being busy with other things and inconvenienced.  She promised to meet us after and we'd all go for a drink or to the reception -together.  She flaked on us - was a no show (no cell phones back then ) - blew us off.  Told us later she hadn't actually promised, she'd met up with some others etc.  That was a lie.  We'd never have driven all that way and back last minute to show up for her unless we were actually going to see her.

Moral is I should have expected her not to acknowledge that she left me in a rough spot last minute (yes she could have notified me in advance about her cat -at least the night before when I still could decide what to do). And perhaps even - said - this is an emergency for me -but let's schedule a lunch soon -my treat. I mean -I would have done that.

I think travel plans are hard with friends- it takes someone very very reliable (I am!) and it's rare.  I've had a number of good trips including a week at a club med resort and a week In Italy and a weekend on the California coast when I lived faar - where we planned together and both agreed on budget, details, etc.  In one case I paid most of the hotel because I wanted a nicer place than she could afford.  Was happy to do it!!

It's hard to know when to see the dealbreaker.  That is my point  I support the OP in this being a dealbreaker and not a fan of giving a second chance when this is so egregious -I wish I wouldn't have in hindsight with the friend and perhaps some others too.

[Seraphim]

Part of what makes me so upset is no consideration was given to my mother . She expected me to throw her at someone else’s like chattel and for me to literally drive all over hells half acre . Over 2000 KM so she wouldn’t miss out on the spa. The same would never be done for me . If it was her mother, I would just be told to drop on my head.

[Seraphim]

It takes 9 hours 9 to take my mom down south . She is severely limited physically and any bathroom trip takes min 30 minutes. I have to carry all her stuff even her purse. Drag out her walker etc etc etc . We also have to stop to eat . They wanted me to drive my mom 9 hours and then turn around and drive 4 hours to her house . Then wake up in the AM and drive 2 hours to the spa and drive her back 2 hours and then drive 4 hours to get my mom and then drive another 9 hours home . 
 

There was no regard for my mom or what I would even have to do. 

[Andrina]

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

she told me nothing could be changed. Everything was not refundable and was canceled.

If everything was not refundable and I was the person who all of a sudden couldn't attend, I would have suggested she take someone else and since it was short notice, that other person could go on my dime. For other instances, if there were a longer amount of time and the person had a large group of friends to ask if they wanted to go and take over the expenses, that would've been a more ideal situation, but that wasn't the case in this situation.

On her end, she was trying to think on the fly about solutions to the problem which was self-centered and annoyed you, so she was in the wrong there. She was probably annoyed at you for not mentioning that she'd be losing out on non-refundable expenses, and also about not offering your share for free to another. So there was no priority in communication after the fact.

Certainly, it's the case for all of us where friends, family, spouse's act in ways that greatly upset us. Only you can decide if one particular act is so egregious that cutting off the relationship is the only way you want to proceed. Or, see if time cools things off, where you can each have a discussion to clear the air and move on. I know I set up boundaries with a friend that I would no longer meet her in places because she was not a timely person. But if she invited me to her house, that wasn't an issue because I knew she'd be there. And if I invited her to my house for a party, I wouldn't care if she was late because there were other people to interact with and her timely presence was irrelevant. During that time period, I felt that the good outweighed the bad. So for your friend, if you end up not wanting to ultimately sever the friendship, I'd no longer make non-refundable cost plans with her, but spend the time as we normally would.

[Seraphim]

27 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If everything was not refundable and I was the person who all of a sudden couldn't attend, I would have suggested she take someone else and since it was short notice, that other person could go on my dime. For other instances, if there were a longer amount of time and the person had a large group of friends to ask if they wanted to go and take over the expenses, that would've been a more ideal situation, but that wasn't the case in this situation.

On her end, she was trying to think on the fly about solutions to the problem which was self-centered and annoyed you, so she was in the wrong there. She was probably annoyed at you for not mentioning that she'd be losing out on non-refundable expenses, and also about not offering your share for free to another. So there was no priority in communication after the fact.

Certainly, it's the case for all of us where friends, family, spouse's act in ways that greatly upset us. Only you can decide if one particular act is so egregious that cutting off the relationship is the only way you want to proceed. Or, see if time cools things off, where you can each have a discussion to clear the air and move on. I know I set up boundaries with a friend that I would no longer meet her in places because she was not a timely person. But if she invited me to her house, that wasn't an issue because I knew she'd be there. And if I invited her to my house for a party, I wouldn't care if she was late because there were other people to interact with and her timely presence was irrelevant. During that time period, I felt that the good outweighed the bad. So for your friend, if you end up not wanting to ultimately sever the friendship, I'd no longer make non-refundable cost plans with her, but spend the time as we normally would.

I moved far away 3 years ago so it is always on me to go there or not I guess as she has no plans to take a train to where I am . 
 

I messaged her and said it wasn’t my fault my mom’s crown fell out and she said not my fault either you lost your money and I am not making plans in the future that cost anything. So whatever that means . I only have another month before back to work so….. 

[itsallgrand]

I had to think on this one. Thanks for adding more info. How is your mom doing now?

It sounds like there's been growing resentment here and this sort of was the thing that tipped it over. It sounds like you haven't been feeling like your friend has your back for a while and been feeling a little bit used with all the expectations for driving and seeing each other? 

I mean, I think how she handled this situation is craptactular. She should have been upfront. She should have asked if she wanted her daughter to go instead and figured that out with you.

I love you to bits but I'm surprised you didn't offer for her to try and salvage the trip by suggesting she try to find someone else to go and not worrying about your part of the ticket. Because yes, emergencies happen, that's life, but she still was left hanging with a possible non refund and scrambling situation. I suspect this is because you feel she wouldn't do this for you? 

I'm sorry this is all happening now. You are already bogged in caretaking and trying to navigate all the bumps of having your mom living with you and your husband gone most of the time. Sure you didn't need or want another thing on top.