Should I give him a second chance?

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, GuessWhi said:

It’s just that when he didn’t turn up for work, the resident gave me a call and asked me if I knew something about it. At that time he still was in touch with me. I also received calls from his friends

^^I'm curious why the resident would call you?  A woman he dated for a mere month who was long distance?  How did they get your contact info?

Did he not have an emergency contact when shyt like this happens and he doesn't show up for work? 

Everyone who's responsibly employed should especially at a hospital.

Weird. 

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Coily said:

Suggesting that this stranger to us was using a death as a ruse to go hanky panky around; that’s more a reflection of our individual experiences tainting something we don’t understand.

Agree. If you're that suspicious of him then I would say not a good way to start off. And if it is just a ruse, then he is the worst person in the world.

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s just that when he didn’t turn up for work, the resident gave me a call and asked me if I knew something about it. At that time he still was in touch with me. I also received calls from his friends asking if I knew he was okay or not. That’s when I realised he wasn’t speaking to any of them since one week. On the other hand, he was still talking to me, telling me just a little bit about his situation.

So, I kind of felt responsible. I just thought that if he’s not talking to his friends, I should be there for him. I was just concerned. Wasn’t trying to come on to anyone.

So the resident knows that the two of you are dating and his natural response is to text the woman he is dating (you) who he knows also works as a doctor. I understand your concern for his well-being, especially as a fellow doctor and someone who cares for him.

However, it is important to remember that you have only been dating for a short time and he has not yet fully opened up to you or built a strong foundation for your relationship. It may be best to take things slow and see how he handles his emotions and communication in the coming weeks before fully committing to this relationship again. 

When I say second chance, I don't mean to imply that you should completely write him off and never speak to him again. Nor do I suggest jumping right back into a relationship with him. It does sound like he was communicative with you.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, you were asking him to define the relationship immediately following a death in his family which is something a lot of people would discourage as being insensitive.

None of us were there and you have to go with your instincts about what happened here.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Coily said:

I’m having a hard time buying the “he will do this again” aspect of this. Sorry, not sorry; to be this blunt; but until the OP knows the relationship between this guy and the dead; we really have no clue what is going on. Or do we need a corpse on the slab?

So well said. I'm pretty knee-jerk about someone who uses ghosting in a punitive way, in which case, I'd say keep moving forward with no rear view mirror. But with someone I don't even know beyond one month or so, even while I'm aware that the guy has gone AWAL on everyone, including his job, after a death in his family? That's not personal, and that's not something I can make a call on without more information.

What's the best way to gain that information? By engaging with the person who is willing to engage.

[LotusBlack]

7 hours ago, yogacat said:

I wouldn't give you a second chance. Some man I'm dating for one month starts coming at me after a family member is dead?  That wouldn't sit well with me in the slightest.

"I dropped him a heartfelt message that if he wants a break, just tell me. I called him. No answer."

No, he doesn't owe you anything and he really doesn't know you. This is a slightly weird thing to say to someone you have known for one month who is grieving.

If you truly had empathy and were emotionally intelligent, you would have written after a month expressing sympathy for the death in his family. You would say you hoped he was feeling better and if he ever needed to talk that you were an ear. You don't beg somebody for attention who lost someone in their life.

^^ This! 100%. I do not think that his behaviour in this specific instance is at all an indicator of potential future behaviour in general. Deaths are not common occurrences in one’s life (usually) and I would not be upset if my loved one or an acquaintance closed them/him/herself off from the world to deal with it whilst they also seek help for their mental health, as he proactively did.

Once he was back on track, he explained himself. But, for 1 month of dating and perhaps not an exclusive relationship(?) at that point he doesn’t owe you anything other than an explanation since he wishes to continue your involvement.

Your concern has been about you and what his silence potentially meant about your relationship, which you took great offence to despite knowing a death in his life occurred; your concern was not about him and giving this near virtual stranger time and space whilst he goes through a difficult time. Case in point - your title is “should I give him a second chance?” not “how can I best support a grieving man I recently started dating?”.

[rainbowsandroses]

I think it would be helpful if the OP returned with more context. 

Personally I am not accusing him of anything like lying about this but there is so much missing information, and it's not like he'd be the first person to use a family member's death as a reason for suddenly disappearing.  This excuse is quite common and to dismiss at least the possibility would be foolish IMO.

Did he say who the family member was?  Usually when this happens and the person wants to return to the person he/she disappeared on, they tell them who the family member was - his mom, dad, sibling, second cousin?

What's also in question is what happened with his patients when he chose a few days after his "family member" died, to not show up for work?  And for the entire  month thereafter, he chose to lock himself in his room?

I find this extremely irresponsible for a doctor even if he was grieving a family member's death.

Also, why would the resident think to contact you, a woman he'd only been dating a month who lived long distance, versus a family member, his emergency contact?

How did he get your contact info?  

What is his past relationship history?  Any long term RLs or marriages?  I think this is relevant and goes to his stability and whether or not he has a history of suddenly disappearing/returning/disappearing/returning in his relationships.

Again, there are people who do this and it's important imo be aware, cautious and prudent.

Anyway, again not accusing but there are questions.  I know if this were me, I would not be so quick to believe that just because he told me something, that automatically makes it true. 

Trust is earned, not automatically given especially after only one month of dating.  This has been preached many times on this forum and others.

What he did was a huge red flag and I would be very cautious and would have questions before agreeing to go back.  Again, I think it would be foolish not to.  It's YOUR heart, your life!  Take care it!

This goes for no matter how long you'd been dating imo.  No he doesn't "owe" you anything but come on, you were dating consistently for a month and suddenly a few days after this elusive "family member" died, he disappears from everyone - family, friends, doesn't show up for work and locks himself in his room for a month?  Or so he claimed (to you).

I guess I am the only who finds this quite strange but whatever.

JMO

[waffle]

2 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

. . . your title is “should I give him a second chance?” not “how can I best support a grieving man I recently started dating?”.

He's the one chasing OP and wanting to reconnect, and OP is the one hesitant (rightly so) and trying to decide how--or rather if--to proceed.  Therefore the only thing she needs to decide is the answer to the title of this thread.  She does not owe it to him to "support' him or  be his therapist.  If she decides she wants to, bonus for him.  But it doesn't make her selfish if she doesn't.

[LotusBlack]

8 minutes ago, waffle said:

He's the one chasing OP and wanting to reconnect, and OP is the one hesitant (rightly so) and trying to decide how--or rather if--to proceed.  Therefore the only thing she needs to decide is the answer to the title of this thread.  She does not owe it to him to "support' him or  be his therapist.  If she decides she wants to, bonus for him.  But it doesn't make her selfish if she doesn't.

Agree to disagree.

[rainbowsandroses]

35 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

Agree to disagree.

@LotusBlackwhat do you disagree with?  I am utterly confused.

I'm slow today, I need it spelled out.

If you and others believe OP should just blindly trust this man she's been dating for a mere month and everything he tells her without at least questioning, and as such extend her support and sympathy and give him a "second chance" before obtaining some answers, then I would have to strongly disagree.

It also goes against what's preached on this forum time and time again.  That trust is earned not automatically given, especially to a man she's only been dating a month and where there is quite a bit of ambiguity in his behavior as stated in my previous.

Nevermind that he never reached out to her, let's disregard that because y'all are right they were only dating a month; I am referring to all his other questionable actions -- him disappearing on family and friends, not showing up for work and locking himself in a room for an entire month.

This man is a DOCTOR!!!   He has patients, he has responsibilities.  If he's struggling, get help!  He works in a hospital, certainly there was help for him if he needed it.

I understand grief, I lost both my parents, separately, within one year and my brother a couple of years ago.  I was depressed, shut down, and yes there were days I didn't make it out of bed and didn't show up for work BUT I called and let them know because I am a responsible person.

Nor did I remain locked in a room for an entire month.  I realize we all grieve differently but again this man is a doctor, how can he care for patients (or the OP if/when she ever needed it) when he's so obviously unable to care for himself?

And the OP should go back to a man like this, why?  Oh because he reached out and explained his "family member" died.  That is pretty much all he said according to OP.

Okay!!! You explained, no problem, let's give this another shot.

What the heck.

As my late mom used to say, use your "noodle" which translated means utilize some logic and good ole common sense.  

And take care of and protect your heart, because trust me no one else will, HE certainly won't!

Anyway, again not accusing him, but something is NOT jiving here and the fact the OP has not returned to answer any of these questions adds to that imo.

[LotusBlack]

38 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@LotusBlackwhat do you disagree with?  I am utterly confused.

I'm slow today, I need it spelled out.

If you and others believe OP should just blindly trust this man she's been dating for a mere month and everything he tells her without at least questioning, and as such extend her support and sympathy and give him a "second chance" before obtaining some answers, then I would have to strongly disagree.

It also goes against what's preached on this forum time and time again.  That trust is earned not automatically given, especially to a man she's only been dating a month and where there is quite a bit of ambiguity in his behavior as stated in my previous.

Nevermind that he never reached out to her, let's disregard that because y'all are right they were only dating a month; I am referring to all his other questionable actions -- him disappearing on family and friends, not showing up for work and locking himself in a room for an entire month.

This man is a DOCTOR!!!   He has patients, he has responsibilities.  If he's struggling, get help!  He works in a hospital, certainly there was help for him if he needed it.

I understand grief, I lost both my parents, separately, within one year and my brother a couple of years ago.  I was depressed, shut down, and yes there were days I didn't make it out of bed and didn't show up for work BUT I called and let them know.

Nor did I remain locked in a room for an entire month.  I realize we all grieve differently but again this man is a doctor, how can he care for patients when he's so obviously unable to care for himself?

And the OP should go back to a man like this, why?  Oh because he reached out and explained his "family member" died.  Okay!!!  No problem!!

What the heck.

As my late mom used to say, use your "noodle" which translated means utilize some logic and good ole common sense.  

And take care of and protect your heart, because trust me no one else will, HE certainly won't!

Anyway, again not accusing him, but something is NOT jiving here and the fact the OP has not returned to answer any of these questions adds to that imo.

Not everyone reacts to grief the same way. You cannot measure how someone else should process loss by the way you process loss. You are different people.

I also did not read anywhere where someone said OP should blindly trust this man. However, context matters, and taking offence at someone going quiet during a challenging time (which she has indicated she believes to have happened) seems very premature and with something like this it isn’t personal, especially when they are not too well acquainted. 

OP has every right to wonder about the status of their involvement, but how she has communicated it on this forum shows lack of empathy and consideration. I’d find that a red flag if I were this man.

Also prudent to mention is that OP herself has indicated she believes him and that all is above board regarding what occurred and his sincere apology. Given that, I, personally, don’t feel much consideration was given in this scenario. 

I’m sorry, but doctors are human beings and have every right to take time off to deal with a death. Patients will be receiving care by another physician during this time. At no point did OP say the clinic or hospital hadn’t necessarily been informed. He may not have turned up for work and other employees may not have known why, but that doesn’t automatically mean the appropriate people didn’t know.

But, each to their own and if OP doesn’t gel with his communication style during this type of situation, then she has the prerogative to choose not to move forward.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

...and taking offence at someone going quiet during a challenging seems very premature and with something like this it isn’t personal, especially when they are not too well acquainted. 

I wholeheartedly agree with this^^, although I did not interpret OP's behavior as her taking offense (per se) so much as she was confused and perhaps hurt by his disappearance?  Reaching out seeking reassurance was probably not the best course of action, I do agree with that.

I also agree that everyone grieves differently, I understand this and stated that in previous.   And if this man were not a doctor with patients to care for, I might even be more understanding of his need to shut off from the world (family, friends, work) for an entire month and give him the benefit of doubt.

Which doubt would be quite substantial but I might give it to him anyway, depending on if his words seemed genuine and not just "words" because he had been thinking about me after a month and was lonely or whatever.

I guess that is what I am mostly shocked by, the fact he he is doctor with patients.  I continue harping on this so apparently it matters a great deal to me.

And no doubt I am projecting a bit because I have had a couple of very bad experiences with irresponsible doctors, one who misdiagnosed me and prescribed the wrong meds that nearly killed me and another (my general doctor) who wanted to surgically remove six inches from my intestine due to a intestinal infection.  I chose to get a second opinion, that doctor prescribed antibiotics and the infection healed within 2-3 weeks.  

So I own that is probably the basis for why I feel as I do, regardless of whether he's telling the truth or not about the death of his family member. 

Reason being, they are responsible for the care and well being of others (not just themselves), so wrong or right I do hold them to a higher standard.  Perhaps that's wrong because they are human after all like the rest of us.   But it is how I feel regardless of that.

Anyway, I guess I've said my peace.  I used to trust everything a man would tell me without questioning, give benefit of doubt and it ended up screwing me up because in many cases, it had been a total lie which I discovered later.  

So now I am more prudent and before entering into a relationship or going back to a previous one especially where the guy disappeared/ghosted, I question.  If HE gets offended or believes I lack understanding or empathy, tough tomatoes.

It's my heart and my life and I intend on taking care of it and protecting it when I encounter questionable behavior.  Questionable to ME anyway.

If you others don't agree, fair enough and appreciate you responding.

 

 

 

[lostandhurt]

Wow so many assumptions about this guy with basically no information. 

You really do not know him that well other than the partial honeymoon phase you had.  Could he shut down again?  Yes but he could also learned a lot about himself, sought out help and is looking to learn better coping mechanisms. He is a doctor working in a hospital which comes with long hours and a lot of stress as you well know then throw in the death of a family member and he couldn't take it.

 I didn't read the part where his name was Clark Kent and impervious to everything.  He is human, made a big mistake and tired to apologize.  Either take it on face value that he is truly sorry and see how things go the next few weeks or assume he is lying and playing games.

  Part of dating and relationships is taking a leap of faith in others and being vulnerable and yes even second chances and giving grace.

  You do not need anyone's permission to try again with him nor do you need anyone's guess as to his character and trustworthiness.  You spent a month with him not us...

What if you make a mistake next month, should he cut you loose?

Lost

 

[ShySoul]

16 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

He apologised for a week and I ignored him. After a week I finally talked to him to tell him this was over.

He stopped responding to you so you chose to ignore him for a week, doing the same thing back to him. Yes, you had a good reason as I am sure you felt hurt by his actions. He also seems to have had a good reason in that his grief and depression didn't leave him in the right mindset for a relationship. In this case, two wrongs might not make it right, but why can't it at least cancel each other out? 

My brother - a strong, intelligent man in his late 20s at the time - spent a week staying in his room crying his eyes out after breaking up with a woman. I've seen people be a wreck and depressed for ages after losng a loved one. People handle their pain in different ways and often it's not with the best judgement. He shouldn't have cut you out. He shouldn't have shut down and lost track of responsibilities. He is clearly in the wrong for this. But he is trying to be better. He has sought help and admitted the problem. He seems to be doing what he can to make up for it. If everything seems sincere, can't a person have a second chance?

16 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

i’m worried people are going to think I’m a joke if I accept him back. But I’m also worried I met be letting a great guy go. What if he does something like this again? I mean, he’s an obvious flight risk.

What other people think doesn't matter. All that matters is the two of you. If you believe he is sincere in his words and efforts, then believe him. If you miss him and want him back, give him a chance. If you don't feel you can trust him, then it's okay to not take him back. The choice is yours alone, do what you feel is right for you.

Honestly, everyone is a flight risk. Anyone of us could suddenly decide we can't handle something or change our minds and run. My brother from above was with the woman for five years. Things were great. Then she cheated on him. You never know what will happen in the future. All we can do is go with what we feel is right in this moment. We have to decide based upon who this person is right now. Do you believe him when he says he is trying? Do you believe him when he says he will communicate better? 

Mental health is not something that you can guarantee. It's not about being a strong or weak person mentally. It is constantly in flux with some days being better then others. We all have our strong moments and we all have our weak moments. He can't promise he will always be strong for you. But he can promise to do his best for you.

[GuessWhi]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think it would be helpful if the OP returned with more context. 

Personally I am not accusing him of anything like lying about this but there is so much missing information, and it's not like he'd be the first person to use a family member's death as a reason for suddenly disappearing.  This excuse is quite common and to dismiss at least the possibility would be foolish IMO.

Did he say who the family member was?  Usually when this happens and the person wants to return to the person he/she disappeared on, they tell them who the family member was - his mom, dad, sibling, second cousin?

What's also in question is what happened with his patients when he chose a few days after his "family member" died, to not show up for work?  And for the entire  month thereafter, he chose to lock himself in his room?

I find this extremely irresponsible for a doctor even if he was grieving a family member's death.

Also, why would the resident think to contact you, a woman he'd only been dating a month who lived long distance, versus a family member, his emergency contact?

How did he get your contact info?  

What is his past relationship history?  Any long term RLs or marriages?  I think this is relevant and goes to his stability and whether or not he has a history of suddenly disappearing/returning/disappearing/returning in his relationships.

Again, there are people who do this and it's important imo be aware, cautious and prudent.

Anyway, again not accusing but there are questions.  I know if this were me, I would not be so quick to believe that just because he told me something, that automatically makes it true. 

Trust is earned, not automatically given especially after only one month of dating.  This has been preached many times on this forum and others.

What he did was a huge red flag and I would be very cautious and would have questions before agreeing to go back.  Again, I think it would be foolish not to.  It's YOUR heart, your life!  Take care it!

This goes for no matter how long you'd been dating imo.  No he doesn't "owe" you anything but come on, you were dating consistently for a month and suddenly a few days after this elusive "family member" died, he disappears from everyone - family, friends, doesn't show up for work and locks himself in his room for a month?  Or so he claimed (to you).

I guess I am the only who finds this quite strange but whatever.

JMO

His uncle was shot twice and brought to our hospital. He was brought dead. The trauma surgeon contacted him(he’s an orthopaedic resident) and told him about the whole situation. He did inform that he would be gone, just no one knew it would be for a month.

To answer your other question about my contact info, I was actually in my intern year completing my rotations in every department. So, all his fellow residents had my contact info and knew about us.

Also, I’ve seen many doctors have a breakdown, especially during residency. There are so many factors. The overwhelming pressure, someone’s life depends on you, your seniors dumping their attitude on you. Since I’m about to start my residency, you never know, I may also have a breakdown at some point.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, GuessWhi said:

His uncle was shot twice and brought to our hospital. He was brought dead. The trauma surgeon contacted him(he’s an orthopaedic resident) and told him about the whole situation. He did inform that he would be gone, just no one knew it would be for a month.

To answer your other question about my contact info, I was actually in my intern year completing my rotations in every department. So, all his fellow residents had my contact info and knew about us.

Also, I’ve seen many doctors have a breakdown, especially during residency. There are so many factors. The overwhelming pressure, someone’s life depends on you, your seniors dumping their attitude on you. Since I’m about to start my residency, you never know, I may also have a breakdown at some point.

Okay. So what does your gut tell you? How do you feel about saying yes vs no to him?

As you can see from the answers, there's no right or wrong here. We don't know the guy enough, but you do. I believe the answer is within you. And as @lostandhurt mentioned, dating is about taking that leap of faith. The uncle died from shots, so I imagine that was very shocking to him. Giving him a benefit of doubt is okay. Not proceeding is okay too.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This man is a DOCTOR!!!   He has patients, he has responsibilities.  If he's struggling, get help!  He works in a hospital, certainly there was help for him if he needed it.

 

You do understand that he was in no condition to do work? If he went on to work he could misdiagnose a patient and somebody could died. You are familiar with misdiagnosis but seem to not wonder why it could happen. Well, depressed doctor certainly does the trick for that. He was far better at home grieving than with doing the work that could potentially harm somebody and being depressed doing it. Its not uncommon for a doctor(at least here where I am, I suppose any other civilized country as well) to take a time off for something. I did go to work and even was in process of changing work(went from one school to the other) when I was grieving. I did my work but cant say I shouldnt have take time off to grieve because it did sting hard. But my work couldnt harm anybody. His could. 

As for OP forgiving him, that is on OP to decide. However, OP should realize that it really wasnt about her. He didnt take month off and ghost OP so he could be with another woman. He did it so he could grieve. Potentially speaking, even if he was with her during that time, he would be in no use to do relationship things, even small stuff like going out and having fun with her. As he was depressed and battling things. So yes, this is potentially something she could cut him some slack for as there is a good reason why he did it.

[LotusBlack]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You do understand that he was in no condition to do work? If he went on to work he could misdiagnose a patient and somebody could died. You are familiar with misdiagnosis but seem to not wonder why it could happen. Well, depressed doctor certainly does the trick for that. He was far better at home grieving than with doing the work that could potentially harm somebody and being depressed doing it. Its not uncommon for a doctor(at least here where I am, I suppose any other civilized country as well) to take a time off for something. I did go to work and even was in process of changing work(went from one school to the other) when I was grieving. I did my work but cant say I shouldnt have take time off to grieve because it did sting hard. But my work couldnt harm anybody. His could. 

As for OP forgiving him, that is on OP to decide. However, OP should realize that it really wasnt about her. He didnt take month off and ghost OP so he could be with another woman. He did it so he could grieve. Potentially speaking, even if he was with her during that time, he would be in no use to do relationship things, even small stuff like going out and having fun with her. As he was depressed and battling things. So yes, this is potentially something she could cut him some slack for as there is a good reason why he did it.

@rainbowsandroses And to add to Kwothe’s comment - the doctor DID, in fact, seek help as soon as he could. You may have missed it in your harsh judgement, but he sought help to deal with his depression and is now on the appropriate medication - keep in mind that it often take weeks or more for antidepressants to start working effectively; it isn’t instant. He also informed the hospital that he would be taking time off - he just wasn’t able to tell them how long he’d need. Maybe he didn’t know how long. Maybe he didn’t expect to be hit so hard with the loss and trauma (if that’s what he has undergone).

This man’s family member didn’t just die, it seems he was murdered (shot twice and arrived at the hospital already having passed). Imagine being a doctor working on shift and being informed that your uncle had come in and was already dead. That’s trauma on top of loss. It seems OP may have known this from the get-go given the fact the uncle was taken to their hospital when it happened. 

I think a little grace under these circumstances is warranted and I certainly wouldn’t be questioning a man’s intent after such an experience because I would not be expecting that he is prioritising a dating situation over what has clearly been a consuming grief from a sudden loss.

I lost my mother as the direct result of medical negligence. But I know not all doctors are terrible and so try not to project my issues onto others’ situations.

Having said all that, OP is well within her rights to walk away if this situation is a dealbreaker for her. She has to be happy with her own choices and if this doesn’t work for her regardless of the circumstances in which they occurred, well, that’s her prerogative.

Anyways, I’ve said my piece and I’m out.

 

 

[Batya33]

I now understand more and yes of course the shocking tragic death of his uncle is very real -you've confirmed.  What I wonder is -if there hadn't been the distance factor would he have shut her out in the same way meaning not let her bring food over, etc.? 

A month is a very short time. I was dating someone for about 6 weeks in person when his grandmother passed and they were close.  He was sad of course but still wanted to go away for the weekend with his friend and friend's fiancee- I was invited and went. It went fine.  I know I spent time with him related to his grandmother's passing but I didn't go to the funeral (too soon and I forget where it was etc)

But the next week or so was New Years and he invited me to meet his parents for New Years, go to dinner and a show then brunch at his parents the next day.  He planned to stay at my place although we lived close by.  The dinner was lovely - parents so kind - except -he started drinking -a lot. We were drinking socially -literally maybe a glass of wine.  By the time we got to the comedy club he was a sulky morose drunk (no I'd never seen him drink before).  He was rude to me in a quiet, sulky way. Parents were still lovely.

After the show we got back to my place near midnight but he was still in that way so I told him I didn't want him to stay and he left with no apologies.  The next day he blew me off for brunch -didn't call, didn't tell me details.  He called later that day hungover with apologies. A voice mail.

I was done.  I remember wondering if he was still grieving but here's my point -that's fine but the choice to get drunk and treat me so rudely and act like a jerk - in front of his parents no less- was - unacceptable.  No pass for grieving.  Not that he said it was that but one could wonder.  He even called again as his father had offered to give me a second opinion on a dental issue.  I didn't respond.

I offer this because for sure everyone reacts to grief differently and it's particularly hard when it's a new relationship and long distance! - but I think there has to be some way of treating the other person with basic respect.  In her case I think it's a bit different -he ignored her -but he didn't not show up for a date for example - he didn't show up then treat her rudely- and he seemed to ignore others  too.  Hard call.  I defer. I'm glad I now know it's not a truly fishy story as far as yes he suffered a tragic loss!

[yogacat]

23 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

Anyway, after about two weeks, there was a death in his family. I immediately noticed a change in his behaviour. Messages and calls were down to a minimum. I did my best to comfort him. After a few more days, he stopped replying completely.
I dropped him a heartfelt message that if he wants a break, just tell me. I called him. No answer.
This happened for about a month. I was devastated. It was difficult. In my mind, it was over.

I'm thinking that after he stopped responding for a few days, and you then reaching out asking "if he wants a break", he could have simply said "no, just been going through a rough time right now, but I'll be okay." 

Then again, asking him if he "wants a break" after a few initial days of slow replies and during a very traumatic time is putting someone on the spot to talk about things they may not want to... so even though that might be a fair thing to say, he might've not wanted to have that conversation.

No word for a month, yes, I can understand neglecting a single person while grieving for another, yes that's a tough thing it's a right call to not take part in any emotional labor during that time. But also, an occasional "thinking of you, I'll respond when I have time" could have been given.

Moving onto towards today... I don't recall if you mentioned he got professional help. But him being on medication and feeling better now is good. Though you were not seeing each other for a while, it's fair for you two to feel different emotions, because neither is bad and all right.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You do understand that he was in no condition to do work? If he went on to work he could misdiagnose a patient and somebody could died.

Yes I absolutely understand this^^.   100%.  And I wasn't speaking about him actually working and treating patients.

But rather (and this was before OP retuned with additional context) that he seek medical treatment from the hospital and advising them he needs to take a leave of absence versus waiting an entire month with no one including his fellow residents knowing what had happened to him..

Again this was before OP disclosed additional detail into what had happened. His behavior makes much more sense now since she did and wish she had disclosed it earlier.  It was significant information!

And to be fair to me, I wasn't harshly judging necessarily, I simply had questions so I asked.  And OP returned and answered them.

OP thank you for sharing the additional info!  This changes the story and my opinion quite significantly.

So now I'm going to do a complete 180 and ask since you knew what had happened which must have been extremely traumatic for him, why did you feel uncertain/insecure and reach out asking him if he wants a break? 

Wasn't it kinda obvious that he needed time to process and deal with what had happened to his uncle?  And that it had nothing to do with you or needing a break from you?

That said I do understand better now and I can see both sides.  As @yogacat just said, he could have let you know he needed some time to deal and perhaps you might have reached out expressing a bit more sympathy?

Tough situation no matter how you slice and dice and hope he's ok.

Have you decided what you're gonna do?

[smackie9]

22 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Loved ones?  They knew each other for 1 month before she moved away & then they have been long distance.   

We don't know that he ignored anybody but her & at best she was a new person in his life.  Between the newness, his grief & his obligations to his patients I can see where this guy may not have had the bandwidth to deal with a new romance

In the original post "He had cut himself off of all friends and family. Was just locked in a room."

[GuessWhi]

He has actually been quite lovely since he joined back. Definitely more open than he was before. 
I understand that one month is really not enough time to get to know someone. And I guess, I’ve seen him at his lowest, so nothing but better from here.

Obviously, it’s difficult to get rid of the thought whether he’ll repeat it or not. But I think I’ll give it another try.

Thank you so much for your help everyone. Much appreciated!

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

Obviously, it’s difficult to get rid of the thought whether he’ll repeat it or not. But I think I’ll give it another try.

Given the additional (and necessary) context you provided, I would!   Like I said, it changes the circumstances significantly.  And wish you would have disclosed all this earlier, it would have saved a lot of back and forth, assumptions, judgments and questions including from me! 

Anyway, better late than never so thank you.

14 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

His uncle was shot twice and brought to our hospital. He was brought dead. The trauma surgeon contacted him(he’s an orthopaedic resident) and told him about the whole situation. He did inform that he would be gone, just no one knew it would be for a month.

Again given this new and additional information (1) his uncle was murdered (2) that he actually let the hospital know he would be taking some time to process versus just "disappearing" with no word as you originally led us to believe (3) that you were aware his uncle was murdered and he was taking some time away to process, I NOW don't think he even did anything all that egregious that you need to worry if it will ever happen again.

I mean, what will happen again, that he might need some lone time to process an utterly tragic and painful event?

YES I think he might and it would be understandable IMO.  Perhaps YOU might also, which would also be understandable.

In any event, good luck!!!  These early stages are filled with so much uncertainty and ambiguity anyway, and then to have something as tragic as this happen, wow.

I wish you both the best.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

55 minutes ago, GuessWhi said:

He has actually been quite lovely since he joined back. Definitely more open than he was before. 
I understand that one month is really not enough time to get to know someone. And I guess, I’ve seen him at his lowest, so nothing but better from here.

Obviously, it’s difficult to get rid of the thought whether he’ll repeat it or not. But I think I’ll give it another try.

Thank you so much for your help everyone. Much appreciated!

Absolutely!

Let us know how things go ☺️

[ShySoul]

Hope you can find a way to make it last. Every relationship will have its ups and downs, but if you work together, you can get get through it.

And I hope he is able to fully deal with his grief and loss.