Should I give him a second chance?

[GuessWhi]

Hi!
So, I met this guy, who is really sweet. We have a lot of things in common too. We had a great one month together.
After that, I had to move back home for a few months, so we were doing long distance. One thing I noticed before was that he is a very bad texter, but chose to ignore it, since we’re both doctors and have busy schedules.
Anyway, after about two weeks, there was a death in his family. I immediately noticed a change in his behaviour. Messages and calls were down to a minimum. I did my best to comfort him. After a few more days, he stopped replying completely.
I dropped him a heartfelt message that if he wants a break, just tell me. I called him. No answer.
This happened for about a month. I was devastated. It was difficult. In my mind, it was over.
But after a month, he contacted me again….he wrote a whole explanation about how he was depressed, after the death. He had cut himself off of all friends and family. Was just locked in a room. But now he’s on medication and feeling better.
He apologised for a week and I ignored him. After a week I finally talked to him to tell him this was over. But after listening to his explanation and his meek voice, I couldn’t. So I told him I’d think about it.
It’s been another month after that, and he’s has been sending sweet texts everyday. He’s been calling almost everyday too. I have to admit, I have had long talks with him about the ‘good old times’
I’m really confused now.
I’m worried people are going to think I’m a joke if I accept him back. But I’m also worried I met be letting a great guy go. What if he does something like this again? I mean, he’s an obvious flight risk.

[TeeDee]

There's a very good explanation for his behavior:  a death in the family.  

Is there a plan to close the distance gap?  Assuming there is I see no reason not to give him a chance.  

[Coily]

Death can do wild things to someone, they could be the most even keeled individual; then suddenly they are sky diving adrenaline junky after some distant relative dies.

It sounds like he's getting back his old self, who not give him a chance?

39 minutes ago, GuessWhi said:

I’m worried people are going to think I’m a joke if I accept him back.

Umm who cares? You aren't dating these other people. Unless you were talking massive trash about him to others, why should other people be arbiters of your dating life?

 

40 minutes ago, GuessWhi said:

What if he does something like this again? I mean, he’s an obvious flight risk.

Have someone die? I would suggest you don't fixate on what if's as a guide for dating someone. As you weren't there watching him break down, I don't think it's fair to paint him as flighty.

[DarkCh0c0]

This is a long distance arrangement. How do you plan on dating if you go back together? As in, going to dates and being physically there for each other when one struggles?

Distance aside, I would understand a death changes a person and pushes them to shut down. But I would have wondered considering whether the distance wasn't just a sign for me to move on. I don't have an answer.

Can you tell us more about him? How did you two meet? Have you been to his place? What bonds you two together?

1 hour ago, GuessWhi said:

I’m worried people are going to think I’m a joke if I accept him back. But I’m also worried I met be letting a great guy go. What if he does something like this again? I mean, he’s an obvious flight risk.

Nah. You're not a joke at all. Now, is he a great guy? After knowing him for one month, it's really hard to tell. You need to meet and get know each other f2f for a few months to gauge that (via actions/situations/and so forth).

[waffle]

1 hour ago, GuessWhi said:

But after a month, he contacted me again….he wrote a whole explanation about how he was depressed, after the death. He had cut himself off of all friends and family. Was just locked in a room. 

 

He WILL do it again.  He has shown you that the way he handles things going wrong is to withdraw and ignore you.  He's in full pursuit right now because he doesn't quite have you back yet.  

The question isn't what others will think, it's can you put up with this sort of reaction from him when things get a little rough?

[GuessWhi]

11 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Can you tell us more about him? How did you two meet? Have you been to his place? What bonds you two together?

It was just finishing my shift that day when he asked me out. He said he’d be free by 8. All we talked about that night was our mutual love for thriller movies. We went to his place that night and we both just dozed off(we both had had a heavy shift at the hospital)

We used to meet almost every alternate day(provided no one was on the night shift). I just never felt awkward around him. We used to talk about our patients, other hospital stuff, family, friends.

Both our friend circles knew about what was going on. Honestly speaking it was an amazing month before I had to move.

I do plan on going back and doing my residency after a month, so the distance factor will be eliminated.

[GuessWhi]

11 minutes ago, waffle said:

He WILL do it again.  He has shown you that the way he handles things going wrong is to withdraw and ignore you.  He's in full pursuit right now because he doesn't quite have you back yet.  

The question isn't what others will think, it's can you put up with this sort of reaction from him when things get a little rough?

That is only thing I’m worried about actually. When I confronted him about it, he said that there might be some other mistakes, but there will never be a communication error like this again.

I've practically discussed all the outcomes with him. You know, like what happens when he stops his medication. I’ve told him that I don’t want to be with a mentally weak person.

He replied by saying that he’s working on it and he’s not going to repeat at least this again in the future.

Trust issues have come up now, so it’s hard to believe him.

But I don’t know why, after listening to his side of things, I’m finding it harder to just end things also

 

[DarkCh0c0]

24 minutes ago, GuessWhi said:

I do plan on going back and doing my residency after a month, so the distance factor will be eliminated.

That's helpful to know.

29 minutes ago, waffle said:

He WILL do it again.  He has shown you that the way he handles things going wrong is to withdraw and ignore you.  He's in full pursuit right now because he doesn't quite have you back yet.  

That's a concern of mine too. What if he will shut down when some other hardship comes up? Will you be punished and suffer the silent/zero comms treatment again? Are you willing to put up with this behaviour?

 

OP, what does your gut tell you?

[yogacat]

I would say, since you only dated for a month, to give him another chance. A death in the family can have a huge impact on someone's mental health and it's possible that he truly was just dealing with his grief and depression and he's only known YOU for 1 month.

That's probably why he pulled away, because he didn't know you well enough to fully share with you what was going on with him. 

But I would also keep a mindful eye on how he handles difficult situations in the future.

If there is another situation where he completely shuts down and stops communicating, then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. 

[smackie9]

We can all agree a death in the family is devastating and we all handle things like that in our own way. I get it you don't want to look like the bad guy, and can empathize BUT, Follow your gut feeling. 

[TeeDee]

You don't know he will do this again. 

You had ONE month together & then some LDR stuff.  That doesn't make for the strongest bond.  I don't think there was anything wrong with him that in the throes of a crisis he didn't turn to you -- a relative stranger -- for comfort & support.  It was lovely that you offered but I get why he didn't take you up on it.  His grief & despair were too painful to share with the new person.  Now that he has regained control of his emotions he's extending an olive branch. 

Should you continue this relationship, you will have more time & experience under your belts & in the future I would expect him to turn to you then.  If he flakes a second time then you can be done.   

As a busy doctor, you are aware that finding a compatible person who understands your schedule & commitments is not going to be easy.  Since this guy ticks other boxes, I'd be willing to give him another chance.  If somebody has the audacity to question your decision, you tell them that he explained his behavior to your satisfaction & apologized.  They don't need other details.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

He WILL do it again.  He has shown you that the way he handles things going wrong is to withdraw and ignore you.

^^Exactly!  It's not the death, it's how he chooses/chose to deal with the death.  Locking himself in his room, ignoring loved ones? 

3 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

we’re both doctors ....

Did he ignore his patients too?

JMO but I think there was more to his withdrawal than the family member's death.

In any event as a doctor yourself, you know better than to question yourself and your decisions and to get re-involved with someone so unstable especially someone you previously dated for a mere month. 

I understand people go through rough times, I lost three close family members myself!  Mom, dad, brother.  And I never behaved the way he chose to.

Come on, this man is a doctor as are you, again you know better or you should. 

Move on is my advice.

 

[TeeDee]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's not the death, it's how he chooses/chose to deal with the death.  Locking himself in his room, ignoring loved ones? 

Loved ones?  They knew each other for 1 month before she moved away & then they have been long distance.   

We don't know that he ignored anybody but her & at best she was a new person in his life.  Between the newness, his grief & his obligations to his patients I can see where this guy may not have had the bandwidth to deal with a new romance

[yogacat]

When I lost a dear family member and my cat within the same week, I totally shut down!

Thankfully my long-term friends understood and supported me.

Granted, he could have communicated better but you've been dating ONE MONTH. Maybe he didn't want to potentially share something of such an intimate nature with you so quickly, understandable since it is so recent.

4 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

Anyway, after about two weeks, there was a death in his family. I immediately noticed a change in his behaviour. Messages and calls were down to a minimum. I did my best to comfort him. After a few more days, he stopped replying completely.
I dropped him a heartfelt message that if he wants a break, just tell me. I called him. No answer.

I mean, you extend condolences, and confronting him for the lack of communication isn't really fair on someone depressed and grieving. You try to support and reach out and if they don't respond (fine) and you move on.

I think the biggest issue I have is that you barely gave him any time to grieve properly.

But, you have to do what you feel is right for you and if you feel he is flaky all factors considered then move on.

You don't seem all that empathetic to his plight and that is perfectly 'okay.' No one says 2nd chances are necessary. Some folks wouldn't give it to a wet dog!

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Loved ones?  They knew each other for 1 month before she moved away & then they have been long distance.   

@TeeDeemy comment was in response to this:

4 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

But after a month, he contacted me again…..He had cut himself off of all friends and family. Was just locked in a room.

I stick with my original opinion and again suspect there's more to his behavior than the death.  No proof obviously just a suspicion.

But do respect yours. I just don't agree with it, that's all. 

[catfeeder]

As far as appearing as a joke to anyone, they aren’t living your love life for you, so they don’t get a vote.

If he ever does it again you’ll be clear that it’s a pattern rather than an anomaly, and you’ll be able to dump his azz without any qualms about it. As it stands now, you don’t know that.

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, I just want to add that my brother locked himself in his room for close to two months one summer after his college girlfriend dumped him.

He was 21 years old with no job, no responsibilities. 

After our parents died, he did not, he grieved as I did and we all supported each other.  He was at the time also in the medical profession with patients and responsibilities.

This guy was at least in his 30s if not older, a doctor with responsibilities and patients to care for.  

You said he's on medication I would assume for depression?

Whether the depression was present before the death or after probably doesn't matter, imo while you can feel badly for him (I would) I would not go back there, it's way too risky and again especially since you only dated one month prior. 

Good luck whatever decision you choose to make but keep in.mind:

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid disappointment and heartbreak later..

[HeartGoesOn]

Although it's your call, I'd keep in mind that past behaviour is the strongest indicator of future behaviour,  

I understand that a death in the family can be a traumatic event, there is no excuse for not making the time, finding the time with contacting another person whom they truly care about.

While making a decision, I'd proceed with caution, along with being completely honest with yourself.

[yogacat]

I wouldn't give you a second chance. Some man I'm dating for one month starts coming at me after a family member is dead?  That wouldn't sit well with me in the slightest.

"I dropped him a heartfelt message that if he wants a break, just tell me. I called him. No answer."

No, he doesn't owe you anything and he really doesn't know you. This is a slightly weird thing to say to someone you have known for one month who is grieving.

If you truly had empathy and were emotionally intelligent, you would have written after a month expressing sympathy for the death in his family. You would say you hoped he was feeling better and if he ever needed to talk that you were an ear. You don't beg somebody for attention who lost someone in their life.

[tattoobunnie]

This dude is bad news.  He probably was trying to see how it goes with someone else.

After going to 3 funerals in the past year, from someone's lifetime spouse and love of their life to two losing their mom, they still met with loved ones, friends, went to work, and definitely texted and messaged me.  

There was no funeral.  And if it was, the month of disappearance had to do with another lady that after a month tossed him back, as he's now sniffing at your door.  Gross.

NEXT!

[Cherylyn]

I don't think he's a flight risk and yes,  give him a second chance.  Why?  Well,  I've walked a mile in his shoes,  that's why.  My loved ones passed away and even though I tried be peaceful and kind to all those around me,  I honestly didn't have the brain space for consistent correspondence.  I was bereft,  very depressed and helped my immediate family get their bearings in order.  I not only didn't have time for anyone who wasn't top priority at the time,  I even neglected myself as well.  I was left scrambling all the time.  You'll never understand until a close person in your life passes away.  😥

He has since apologized and trying to make amends.  If he's a good,  very decent man and a catch,  never let him go otherwise some other lucky lady will snatch him up and he'll be spoken for.

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I understand that a death in the family can be a traumatic event, there is no excuse for not contacting another person whom they truly care about.

^^I think locking himself in a room for one month is more alarming. 

Is that what he advises his patients when they're struggling with a medical issue?  Whether mental or physical?

Go lock yourself in a room, call me in a month and I'll prescribe some meds. 

I'm sorry to sound harsh but how in the world can he care for his own patients when he's unable to care for himself?

A responsible person especially with patients to care for would have sought help immediately not after locking themselves in a room for one month!  Please. 

I have compassion and empathy, but this it is not someone you should consciously choose to date since you do have the option.

I dunno the entire sitch sounds off to me, something isn't jiving including your response OP.

And a part of me agrees with @tattoobunnie.

 

 

[GuessWhi]

19 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I wouldn't give you a second chance. Some man I'm dating for one month starts coming at me after a family member is dead?  That wouldn't sit well with me in the slightest.

"I dropped him a heartfelt message that if he wants a break, just tell me. I called him. No answer."

No, he doesn't owe you anything and he really doesn't know you. This is a slightly weird thing to say to someone you have known for one month who is grieving.

I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s just that when he didn’t turn up for work, the resident gave me a call and asked me if I knew something about it. At that time he still was in touch with me. I also received calls from his friends asking if I knew he was okay or not. That’s when I realised he wasn’t speaking to any of them since one week. On the other hand, he was still talking to me, telling me just a little bit about his situation.

So, I kind of felt responsible. I just thought that if he’s not talking to his friends, I should be there for him. I was just concerned. Wasn’t trying to come on to anyone.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, GuessWhi said:

Anyway, after about two weeks, there was a death in his family.

Maybe this is wrong of me but how are you sure there was a death in his family? How do you know he locked himself in a room for an entire month?

[Coily]

I’m having a hard time buying the “he will do this again” aspect of this. Sorry, not sorry; to be this blunt; but until the OP knows the relationship between this guy and the dead; we really have no clue what is going on. Or do we need a corpse on the slab?

This could have been some pesky wine aunt who OD’d, or his beloved niece who he helped raise and died tragically. It could have been the Great Uncle who took him in during his darkest hour, or the Cousin who bullied him. Or hell it could have been a parent or step parent. Roundly stating that this is how he handles all stresses is a bit foolish. Suggesting that this stranger to us was using a death as a ruse to go hanky panky around; that’s more a reflection of our individual experiences tainting something we don’t understand.

OP, I’m not going to say that he won’t possibly shut down like this again;  you have seen one moment in time after a month of knowing the guy. You are bright enough to reason through this and set boundaries for future endeavors with this guy. Weigh your options, if this guy clicks with you; then take the risk. The old “better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.”