Why my boyfriend watch porn during have sex with me ?

[anxiety pink]

I’m 29, my boyfriend is 35.we together more than 4 years already. Before we had problem about long time no sex(near 1 year), we have talk about it since I accidental find out he Masturbation 2-3 times/week.(when I talk about too long don’t have sex, I didn’t let he know that I already find out he masturbation every week.because my boyfriend is a person that don’t like something he wanna hide and get find out so I respect he) 

the explanation he gave is: 

because during this time his company have a lot of problems need solve and have crisis too, so he was so stressed and anxiety everyday( I see he is like too, we live together, so it’s understandable) 

After 3 times talking, we start to have sex again, I started buying sexy lingerie and wearing sexy uniforms, different themes…

But somehow when we had sex,we will open alittle light, he always like to do position form behind me, and 1 day I accidentally see the shadow on the wall, I feel 1 of his hand seems is holding phone, so I prepare next time to check carefully if I misunderstood

And second time I’m like 50% sure he is using phone, but I’m not sure he using to for what

So in the next 2-3 times sex I had a hard time concentrating because I wanted to know what he was doing.

But somehow next 2-3 times sex he didn’t using phone at all 

But the 4th time, I’m 100% sure he is using phone to watch pork during have sex with me 

He watch it, Start with foreplay and until we finish, like 80% time during we have sex he is watching porn, and his eyes in on the phone screen not me 

After this, I try to from side way to asking other things or talking other things about sex/ porn balabala try to get his answer and know his mind

But he never talk about it, even I have said:

I don’t like my boyfriend watch porn when have sex with me 

 

I felt very confused and scared. I thought if it was to add interest of our sex, it should be something we decided together. If it was to rely on PORN to increase interest, I think it would be difficult for me to accept it. After this happened, it was difficult for me to control my emotions. I couldn't help thinking am I a tool?when we had sex is me make he happy or the girl the story in porn make he happy? Or is it he more like the type of girl in the porn? 
 

(by the way we have talked about the way he like sex and position during sex …v…v… he was surely told me he likes the way we have sex)

How’s everybody thinking?

[smackie9]

My thinking is your BF has a problem so bad that he uses porn to get stimulated. IMO dump this guy and find a new BF. This is nothing you can fix. 

[yogacat]

He can't get aroused unless he's watching porn, and he's becoming increasingly aroused by pornographic images rather than real, climax-producing sexual experiences. He may feel that watching porn is the only way he can get the level of arousal he wants, or that it's more exciting than having regular sex with you.

It's possible that he's not even fully aware of this addiction and doesn't understand the true impact it's having on your relationship and his own emotional and physical well-being.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, as it must be incredibly hurtful and confusing.

What do you want to do about it? Do you want to confront him with this information and decide on how to work through it together? Do you want to leave him immediately to preserve your emotional health? Or something in-between?

I'm afraid that if you stay with him it will wreck your relationship either way but most importantly your mental health =-( let him go if he is not going to stop. Which he most likely, won't.

In NO shape or form are you a tool.

[ShySoul]

First of all, know this is not your fault and it is not about you. This is about him and his issues. Viewing porn is not a reflection upon you. It is not that you aren't good enough or can't satisfy him. It's not about the person on the screen. He most likely isn't wishing you were more like her. And he probably does love and care for you very much. Don't blame yourself for his actions.

Porn can easily become a habit that is had to break out of. It can start as a simple means to releave stress as he said. But, like any addiction, it can grow without a person even noticing. There is no real attachment or feeling that comes with it, so you don't really get a sense of fulfillment from it. You become desensitized, so you need to consume more of it to get that same feeling. Some develop a reliance on it. 

The bigger concern in my mind is his lying and trying to hide it. A relationship needs honesty and trust. He's not giving that to you. Maybe he is embarrssed. Maybe he is afraid of you knowing. Maybe he doesn't want to admit there is a problem. He could be hiding it for a variety of reasons. But he needs to come clean and communicate with you. Otherwise, he is only harming you and the relationship.

What do you want to do about it? Do you want to try to salvage things with him? Then you need to confront him and have a serious talk. He needs to know just how much his actions have hurt you. He needs to own up and take responsibility. He needs to tell you why he is doing this and figure out how to fix things. And you need to decide if he is sincere and you can believe and trust him to change. If you want to fix things, the only way to do that is facing it head on together.

[Coily]

This isn't really about you. This is his need for stimulation, which to me tells me that he's used to extreme levels of stimulation. Unfortunately you can't get him to separate the visual from the act, until he wants to change that you are going to have a very difficult time.

You have been trying from the sounds of things, but he has no internal motivation to change. While yes some couples watch it together, you don't have to allow porn in your bedroom stimulation.

I have to agree, this is at porn addiction levels for your BF.

You need to have a calm discussion about porn usage, and look into what can be done mutually to have him put the phone down and focus on you.

[chess103]

he's gonna have to ween off it a bit if it bothers you. he may have a slight addiction. I used to play some porn in the background while having sex, though I've stopped all together doing that. I'd rather be in the moment.

[anxiety pink]

On 7/24/2024 at 9:58 PM, smackie9 said:

My thinking is your BF has a problem so bad that he uses porn to get stimulated. IMO dump this guy and find a new BF. This is nothing you can fix. 

But he don’t watch it all the timeeee and I’m sure Every moment we were together, I knew clearly that he loved me,but this is the only point make me fee confused, I don’t wanna lose him either 

[anxiety pink]

21 hours ago, ShySoul said:

First of all, know this is not your fault and it is not about you. This is about him and his issues. Viewing porn is not a reflection upon you. It is not that you aren't good enough or can't satisfy him. It's not about the person on the screen. He most likely isn't wishing you were more like her. And he probably does love and care for you very much. Don't blame yourself for his actions.

Porn can easily become a habit that is had to break out of. It can start as a simple means to releave stress as he said. But, like any addiction, it can grow without a person even noticing. There is no real attachment or feeling that comes with it, so you don't really get a sense of fulfillment from it. You become desensitized, so you need to consume more of it to get that same feeling. Some develop a reliance on it. 

The bigger concern in my mind is his lying and trying to hide it. A relationship needs honesty and trust. He's not giving that to you. Maybe he is embarrssed. Maybe he is afraid of you knowing. Maybe he doesn't want to admit there is a problem. He could be hiding it for a variety of reasons. But he needs to come clean and communicate with you. Otherwise, he is only harming you and the relationship.

What do you want to do about it? Do you want to try to salvage things with him? Then you need to confront him and have a serious talk. He needs to know just how much his actions have hurt you. He needs to own up and take responsibility. He needs to tell you why he is doing this and figure out how to fix things. And you need to decide if he is sincere and you can believe and trust him to change. If you want to fix things, the only way to do that is facing it head on together.

Yes,I’m sure he is really love me, and some how he is not everytime watch the porn, but it still makes me feel so confused, I was wondering if it’s because in the pass near 1 year we don’t have sex so he get used with watch porn and Masturbation, 

because after we start have sex again. The first 2 weeks he still masturbation,that time I was so painful, because that time he always have masturbation after the day we had sex, but somehow I try to give he some times to stop it and not depend on it, because the habit it hard to change I know it. Good thing is now I don’t find out he masturbation anymore 

That’s why I still wanna believe maybe just bit more time so he can change the habit stop watching porn too 

I wanna fix this with him, I try you talk another topic:what porn you like to watch? How about we watch porn together? What new way of sex you want? V…v… but he asked me: do you think 1 week have 2 days we talking about porn and sex is normal? So I think I’m short time I can’t continue this topic 

now i feel kinda PTSD, when we have sex I can’t focus, I can’t stop thinking and review about his movement when we had sex he watch porn 

 

[anxiety pink]

On 7/24/2024 at 11:13 PM, yogacat said:

He can't get aroused unless he's watching porn, and he's becoming increasingly aroused by pornographic images rather than real, climax-producing sexual experiences. He may feel that watching porn is the only way he can get the level of arousal he wants, or that it's more exciting than having regular sex with you.

It's possible that he's not even fully aware of this addiction and doesn't understand the true impact it's having on your relationship and his own emotional and physical well-being.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, as it must be incredibly hurtful and confusing.

What do you want to do about it? Do you want to confront him with this information and decide on how to work through it together? Do you want to leave him immediately to preserve your emotional health? Or something in-between?

I'm afraid that if you stay with him it will wreck your relationship either way but most importantly your mental health =-( let him go if he is not going to stop. Which he most likely, won't.

In NO shape or form are you a tool.

I was thinking about he need porn to get aroused too, but he not watch porn when had sex with me everytime, it’s just like 3-5 times have 1 time. So I don’t wanna believe he is like this 

i agree he might don’t understand this move will affect our relationship 

I’m kind curious and overthinking people, and he is kind keep secret for himself .
So if I can’t know the answer I will keep overthinking and curious, but once I know, I will get back normal

now the situation is more like: 

1st day I asked he: if he have some Sexual Fantasy can tell me, or if he wanna try anything new for sex 

He answered me really serious: I’m really happy the way we had sex, all the thing I like I already did to you when we have sex, now you ask me like this I can’t image something and tell you, because sometimes something like this is just jumping out, not by thinking 

and he also asked me: do you really think I’m that nasty people? 
 

2nd day I asked he: next time we watch porn together make more fun? And you never worry I will watch porn? 
He said: I think watch porn is something very private, I don’t like to ask girlfriend something like this too, because it makes me feel you wanna know everything and don’t let me keep the little thing I wanna keep, do you think 1 week have 2 days talk about porn and sex is normal?! 
 

so after this 2 days, I believe in short time I can’t have a talk with he, because even have won’t get good talk or result 

 

but I’m still confusing 

[anxiety pink]

14 hours ago, chess103 said:

he's gonna have to ween off it a bit if it bothers you. he may have a slight addiction. I used to play some porn in the background while having sex, though I've stopped all together doing that. I'd rather be in the moment.

How should I let he knows about how serious this it is? And he won’t feel Resistance to accept or talk 

[anxiety pink]

21 hours ago, Coily said:

This isn't really about you. This is his need for stimulation, which to me tells me that he's used to extreme levels of stimulation. Unfortunately you can't get him to separate the visual from the act, until he wants to change that you are going to have a very difficult time.

You have been trying from the sounds of things, but he has no internal motivation to change. While yes some couples watch it together, you don't have to allow porn in your bedroom stimulation.

I have to agree, this is at porn addiction levels for your BF.

You need to have a calm discussion about porn usage, and look into what can be done mutually to have him put the phone down and focus on you.

If this is because need for stimulation, so at least let me know and we figure the way both of us feel fine 

but now he seems dislike talk about sex and porn with me, I don’t know how should I start the talk or discussion 

[anxiety pink]

On 7/24/2024 at 9:58 PM, smackie9 said:

My thinking is your BF has a problem so bad that he uses porn to get stimulated. IMO dump this guy and find a new BF. This is nothing you can fix. 

I never wanna Leave he, as I do feel every moment he is truly love me too. And also the time he don’t watch porn had sex with me, he seems don’t need it to get stimulated too, that makes me super confused 

[yogacat]

Let me break this down because I am afraid you might come off as naive. Sorry if it feels offensive.

1. He keeps masturbating despite you telling him that it bothers you.
2. You dress up for him but it fails to attract him enough to release his sexual addiction.
3. You want to believe that some crisis in his work environment are driving him into "porn" and at the same time you feel the need to be sexier and sexier, because the level of dopamine he is getting from porn is much hire than the level of dopamine he is getting from you. 
4. You found out that he is constantly using porn while having sex with you, but you keep trying to be "intimate" and trying to talk about it... just read this point again.
5. Finally, he is gaslighting you. Just to clarify, gaslighting is given false information with the intent to make you question your own reality. He wants you to believe that you are not good enough for sex. 

In the end, why bother to dress up if he craves for enhancement in terms of porn? It's one thing to want to enhance love making by watching porn together, but if he's just using porn instead of actually having sex with you, or needing it TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU...there's definitely an issue.  

He sees you as a "tool" like a sex toy in a sense. He may get some kind pleasure from watching while having sex with you, but that's NOT really genuine intimacy. 

[anxiety pink]

16 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Let me break this down because I am afraid you might come off as naive. Sorry if it feels offensive.

1. He keeps masturbating despite you telling him that it bothers you.
2. You dress up for him but it fails to attract him enough to release his sexual addiction.
3. You want to believe that some crisis in his work environment are driving him into "porn" and at the same time you feel the need to be sexier and sexier, because the level of dopamine he is getting from porn is much hire than the level of dopamine he is getting from you. 
4. You found out that he is constantly using porn while having sex with you, but you keep trying to be "intimate" and trying to talk about it... just read this point again.
5. Finally, he is gaslighting you. Just to clarify, gaslighting is given false information with the intent to make you question your own reality. He wants you to believe that you are not good enough for sex. 

In the end, why bother to dress up if he craves for enhancement in terms of porn? It's one thing to want to enhance love making by watching porn together, but if he's just using porn instead of actually having sex with you, or needing it TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU...there's definitely an issue.  

He sees you as a "tool" like a sex toy in a sense. He may get some kind pleasure from watching while having sex with you, but that's NOT really genuine intimacy. 

Perhaps I am a bit naive, but I think part of what I said may have led to a misunderstanding.

The period when we didn’t have sex was indeed due to issues at his company. At that time, my work also had serious problems, so I didn’t have any energy to think about sex. I completely understand his explanation regarding this. When my life and work started to improve, I brought up the topic, and we decided to make some changes.

During the time we resumed having sex, he still had the habit of masturbating, but I chose to give him time to change this habit. The good thing is, he continued to masturbate for two weeks after we resumed having sex, but after that, he stopped (at least as far as I know).

As for him watching porn during sex, I am not sure if it started before or after we resumed having sex. Perhaps I wasn’t as sensitive before and didn’t notice it. Since the first time I discovered it, I have been paying attention to whether he does it every time. What is his state when he has sex with me without watching porn?

Regarding me dressing up for him, he expressed that he found it very refreshing and interesting, something he hadn’t experienced before. He was very happy and grateful for it.

I do feel that after discovering he watches porn during sex with me, I have been “calmly yet not calmly” thinking for him and finding excuses for him. But I believe this is because I love him very much, and I am very sure that he loves me too.

Therefore, I want to solve this issue. However, I regret that I don’t know how to bring up this topic with him (since the previous two times we talked about sex or porn, he either avoided the conversation or wasn’t open-minded about 

[ShySoul]

45 minutes ago, anxiety pink said:

He said: I think watch porn is something very private, I don’t like to ask girlfriend something like this too, because it makes me feel you wanna know everything and don’t let me keep the little thing I wanna keep, do you think 1 week have 2 days talk about porn and sex is normal?!

Think he told you the key issue for him. Porn, for him, is something private. It's not something that he wants to share or admit to. There is probably a mixture of privacy, shyness, shame, and guilt mixed into that. Something about it appeals to him and he enjoys it, so he can't help himself from doing it. But he can't admit it to you because that's not a part of him that he would share with others.

He also feels like there needs to be separation, some things that you each keep to yourself. This will probably show up in other areas as well. Are you okay with that?

54 minutes ago, anxiety pink said:

and he also asked me: do you really think I’m that nasty people? 

He could be making excuses and trying to turn it on you. Or he could be dealing with his own inner struggle on the topic. Why the need to refer to people exploring a fantasy as "nasty?" You never specified any particular kink. You didn't say say it had to be nasty/rough/dirty. You just said fantasy and something new. I wonder if a part of him feels guilty, feels like he shouldn't be watching it. Thus it becomes that much harder to admit to it. He doesn't want to face things himself, to admit he could the nasty person who likes the things he likes. If he can't face himself, he won't be able to face you.

You know him best, what does it feel like to you?

1 hour ago, anxiety pink said:

but now he seems dislike talk about sex and porn with me, I don’t know how should I start the talk or discussion 

Another sign he is uncomfortable about the topic and might have a problem.

Rather then confront him with the full problem, it seems like you tried to hint at it and work around it. Unfortunately, that made him more uncomfortable because it hit him to close. He is afraid of what will come out or happen if you talk about it anymore. So he shuts down all talk on the subject. I'd say do the following:

1. Figure out exactly how you feel. Write it out if you need to. What exactly is it that bother you about his behavior? How does it make you feel? What would you be okay with? What are you not okay with? What are the things you need him to do? What are the things you need him say? 

2. Just say it. Have it out. Don't dance around the subject, face it head on. Tell him everything you know. Tell him everything you thought out in step one. See what his response is. See if he can give you what you need. If he does, you can work on it. If he doesn't, then realize he has a problem that he isn't ready to accept and know you don't have to put up with it.

You should be with someone who will love you and not put you in the position of feeling hurt. What he is doing is hurting you. Don't allow yourself to be in a position to keep being hurt. Do what you can to work on it, but don't feel like you have to put up with something if you can't stand it.

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, anxiety pink said:

Perhaps I am a bit naive, but I think part of what I said may have led to a misunderstanding.

The period when we didn’t have sex was indeed due to issues at his company. At that time, my work also had serious problems, so I didn’t have any energy to think about sex. I completely understand his explanation regarding this. When my life and work started to improve, I brought up the topic, and we decided to make some changes.

During the time we resumed having sex, he still had the habit of masturbating, but I chose to give him time to change this habit. The good thing is, he continued to masturbate for two weeks after we resumed having sex, but after that, he stopped (at least as far as I know).

As for him watching porn during sex, I am not sure if it started before or after we resumed having sex. Perhaps I wasn’t as sensitive before and didn’t notice it. Since the first time I discovered it, I have been paying attention to whether he does it every time. What is his state when he has sex with me without watching porn?

Regarding me dressing up for him, he expressed that he found it very refreshing and interesting, something he hadn’t experienced before. He was very happy and grateful for it.

I do feel that after discovering he watches porn during sex with me, I have been “calmly yet not calmly” thinking for him and finding excuses for him. But I believe this is because I love him very much, and I am very sure that he loves me too.

Therefore, I want to solve this issue. However, I regret that I don’t know how to bring up this topic with him (since the previous two times we talked about sex or porn, he either avoided the conversation or wasn’t open-minded about 

"But I love him" is what's going to ruin your mental health I can tell you that much. 

I get it. He has his issues, I have my issues. But at some point, there's a universal line in the sand, like the ones we signed on to in the Declaration of Independence or the Bill of Rights, Colossians 3:13 or...

"You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

At some point, we run out of good will to give or try to bond over issue specially when it's directly counterproductive to maintaining functional and healthy relationships. Don't reflect his bad Stranger Things habit. Don't be an Enabler! You will be a bad mother-like figure and even worse, a bad friend to yourself if you do this.

A lot of people in this thread have given you some decent advice. We are giving it to you because we don't want to see you get wrecked and hurt over this issue. Please think about what your options are? It seems like you do not have much control over HIS  behavior... IE it is his behavior that is bothering you. He's not really acknowledging a problem or creating space for a constructive dialog. So what are your options?

Fortunately I have not dated anyone with a porn addiction but I have had a family member with a very serious drug addiction. They were almost on the verge of DEATH and I threw their a$$ into rehab and left them there. They are now clean and sober. THEY DID THE WORK! Of course, I helped in some capacity, but ALWAYS FROM A DISTANCE.

What I want you to understand is that you are absolutely powerless to control your boyfriend's actions. If he chooses to watch porn during sex, or to use it as a means of arousal, the decision is entirely his own.

You cannot force him to stop.

You cannot shame him into stopping.

And, you cannot love him out of this addiction.

He needs to want to change for himself, and until he does, you will have no control over his actions.

And that is a frustrating and difficult thing to accept, right?

[anxiety pink]

20 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Think he told you the key issue for him. Porn, for him, is something private. It's not something that he wants to share or admit to. There is probably a mixture of privacy, shyness, shame, and guilt mixed into that. Something about it appeals to him and he enjoys it, so he can't help himself from doing it. But he can't admit it to you because that's not a part of him that he would share with others.

He also feels like there needs to be separation, some things that you each keep to yourself. This will probably show up in other areas as well. Are you okay with that?

He could be making excuses and trying to turn it on you. Or he could be dealing with his own inner struggle on the topic. Why the need to refer to people exploring a fantasy as "nasty?" You never specified any particular kink. You didn't say say it had to be nasty/rough/dirty. You just said fantasy and something new. I wonder if a part of him feels guilty, feels like he shouldn't be watching it. Thus it becomes that much harder to admit to it. He doesn't want to face things himself, to admit he could the nasty person who likes the things he likes. If he can't face himself, he won't be able to face you.

You know him best, what does it feel like to you?

Another sign he is uncomfortable about the topic and might have a problem.

Rather then confront him with the full problem, it seems like you tried to hint at it and work around it. Unfortunately, that made him more uncomfortable because it hit him to close. He is afraid of what will come out or happen if you talk about it anymore. So he shuts down all talk on the subject. I'd say do the following:

1. Figure out exactly how you feel. Write it out if you need to. What exactly is it that bother you about his behavior? How does it make you feel? What would you be okay with? What are you not okay with? What are the things you need him to do? What are the things you need him say? 

2. Just say it. Have it out. Don't dance around the subject, face it head on. Tell him everything you know. Tell him everything you thought out in step one. See what his response is. See if he can give you what you need. If he does, you can work on it. If he doesn't, then realize he has a problem that he isn't ready to accept and know you don't have to put up with it.

You should be with someone who will love you and not put you in the position of feeling hurt. What he is doing is hurting you. Don't allow yourself to be in a position to keep being hurt. Do what you can to work on it, but don't feel like you have to put up with something if you can't stand it.

I totally respect and feel fine with “people always wanna keep something for them” and “private “

now for me I think is more about. It confused me, and drop me deep in it, I wanna see if have any good suggestions for me to talk or share with he and also for he is not hard to accept or for he more easy to say it. As I understand myself, if he can tell me why, I ready to accept or say goodbye 

 

Yes. When he asked me”do you think I’m that nasty people” I was feel suprise because I never said this word in all of the talking.and for me, anything about sex as long as it’s not so far, we shouldn’t call it as”nasty/dirty”. 
Or maybe I will agree you said.He doesn't want to face things himself, to admit he could the nasty person who likes the things he likes. 

 

And also for me, I’m a girl who be tough through my teenage years is shy or shame to talk about “sex”. Even I grow up like this, but for me talk about sex or porn wasn’t shame or shy with my boyfriend, because i think only we talk so we can enjoying together better. That’s why kind confused why he will seems “afraid” or “don’t wanna” talk this topic with me 

i also think about just talk it out. Direct to the topic say everything out. But as you say, I’m the people who knows about he, I’m sure if talk like this won’t have any good results, and he might hide himself more to “not let me talk again or find out again” 

That’s why I wanna see if there is any other way, and at same time I'm also watching to see if he still has this behavior,because for me personally I don’t wanna because Intermittent behavior, or occasional behavior to make any decision, yet. 

[anxiety pink]

15 hours ago, yogacat said:

"But I love him" is what's going to ruin your mental health I can tell you that much. 

I get it. He has his issues, I have my issues. But at some point, there's a universal line in the sand, like the ones we signed on to in the Declaration of Independence or the Bill of Rights, Colossians 3:13 or...

"You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

At some point, we run out of good will to give or try to bond over issue specially when it's directly counterproductive to maintaining functional and healthy relationships. Don't reflect his bad Stranger Things habit. Don't be an Enabler! You will be a bad mother-like figure and even worse, a bad friend to yourself if you do this.

A lot of people in this thread have given you some decent advice. We are giving it to you because we don't want to see you get wrecked and hurt over this issue. Please think about what your options are? It seems like you do not have much control over HIS  behavior... IE it is his behavior that is bothering you. He's not really acknowledging a problem or creating space for a constructive dialog. So what are your options?

Fortunately I have not dated anyone with a porn addiction but I have had a family member with a very serious drug addiction. They were almost on the verge of DEATH and I threw their a$$ into rehab and left them there. They are now clean and sober. THEY DID THE WORK! Of course, I helped in some capacity, but ALWAYS FROM A DISTANCE.

What I want you to understand is that you are absolutely powerless to control your boyfriend's actions. If he chooses to watch porn during sex, or to use it as a means of arousal, the decision is entirely his own.

You cannot force him to stop.

You cannot shame him into stopping.

And, you cannot love him out of this addiction.

He needs to want to change for himself, and until he does, you will have no control over his actions.

And that is a frustrating and difficult thing to accept, right?

I’m agree as you say I don’t have much control over HIS  behavior and I know i cannot force him to stop And cannot shame him into stopping also you cannot love him out of this addiction.

i never try to stop him I think, I want to find a way to communicate with he to let he feel comfortable and free to say anything with me about why, what makes, how 

And I also prepare for accept or say goodbye after listen what he say. 
now my issue more like the curiosity is eating me

cuz I can’t find the way to let he feel free talk to me everything yet.
i also agree “but I love him” it will makes me more painful and hurt, but the truth is we always make wrong choice or can’t give up someone when we love them

thats why I’m never blame him about the things he do, what I more matter is “why hidden from me” “why don’t tell me” 

[anxiety pink]

20 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Think he told you the key issue for him. Porn, for him, is something private. It's not something that he wants to share or admit to. There is probably a mixture of privacy, shyness, shame, and guilt mixed into that. Something about it appeals to him and he enjoys it, so he can't help himself from doing it. But he can't admit it to you because that's not a part of him that he would share with others.

He also feels like there needs to be separation, some things that you each keep to yourself. This will probably show up in other areas as well. Are you okay with that?

He could be making excuses and trying to turn it on you. Or he could be dealing with his own inner struggle on the topic. Why the need to refer to people exploring a fantasy as "nasty?" You never specified any particular kink. You didn't say say it had to be nasty/rough/dirty. You just said fantasy and something new. I wonder if a part of him feels guilty, feels like he shouldn't be watching it. Thus it becomes that much harder to admit to it. He doesn't want to face things himself, to admit he could the nasty person who likes the things he likes. If he can't face himself, he won't be able to face you.

You know him best, what does it feel like to you?

Another sign he is uncomfortable about the topic and might have a problem.

Rather then confront him with the full problem, it seems like you tried to hint at it and work around it. Unfortunately, that made him more uncomfortable because it hit him to close. He is afraid of what will come out or happen if you talk about it anymore. So he shuts down all talk on the subject. I'd say do the following:

1. Figure out exactly how you feel. Write it out if you need to. What exactly is it that bother you about his behavior? How does it make you feel? What would you be okay with? What are you not okay with? What are the things you need him to do? What are the things you need him say? 

2. Just say it. Have it out. Don't dance around the subject, face it head on. Tell him everything you know. Tell him everything you thought out in step one. See what his response is. See if he can give you what you need. If he does, you can work on it. If he doesn't, then realize he has a problem that he isn't ready to accept and know you don't have to put up with it.

You should be with someone who will love you and not put you in the position of feeling hurt. What he is doing is hurting you. Don't allow yourself to be in a position to keep being hurt. Do what you can to work on it, but don't feel like you have to put up with something if you can't stand it.

20 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Think he told you the key issue for him. Porn, for him, is something private. It's not something that he wants to share or admit to. There is probably a mixture of privacy, shyness, shame, and guilt mixed into that. Something about it appeals to him and he enjoys it, so he can't help himself from doing it. But he can't admit it to you because that's not a part of him that he would share with others.

He also feels like there needs to be separation, some things that you each keep to yourself. This will probably show up in other areas as well. Are you okay with that?

He could be making excuses and trying to turn it on you. Or he could be dealing with his own inner struggle on the topic. Why the need to refer to people exploring a fantasy as "nasty?" You never specified any particular kink. You didn't say say it had to be nasty/rough/dirty. You just said fantasy and something new. I wonder if a part of him feels guilty, feels like he shouldn't be watching it. Thus it becomes that much harder to admit to it. He doesn't want to face things himself, to admit he could the nasty person who likes the things he likes. If he can't face himself, he won't be able to face you.

You know him best, what does it feel like to you?

Another sign he is uncomfortable about the topic and might have a problem.

Rather then confront him with the full problem, it seems like you tried to hint at it and work around it. Unfortunately, that made him more uncomfortable because it hit him to close. He is afraid of what will come out or happen if you talk about it anymore. So he shuts down all talk on the subject. I'd say do the following:

1. Figure out exactly how you feel. Write it out if you need to. What exactly is it that bother you about his behavior? How does it make you feel? What would you be okay with? What are you not okay with? What are the things you need him to do? What are the things you need him say? 

2. Just say it. Have it out. Don't dance around the subject, face it head on. Tell him everything you know. Tell him everything you thought out in step one. See what his response is. See if he can give you what you need. If he does, you can work on it. If he doesn't, then realize he has a problem that he isn't ready to accept and know you don't have to put up with it.

You should be with someone who will love you and not put you in the position of feeling hurt. What he is doing is hurting you. Don't allow yourself to be in a position to keep being hurt. Do what you can to work on it, but don't feel like you have to put up with something if you can't stand it.

I think I need some suggestions or idea that 

What should I talk to him to let he feel comforted share the mind with me 

how should I talk to him, so he will not resist this topic 

and how to stop my overthinking 

And I also wanna heard if someone have this situation too, how they solve it.
or some guys?ladies? Do the same behavior like my boyfriend and what they thinking when do 

[ShySoul]

Can't give you personal experience with this. All I can say is be honest and speak from the heart. You know what you are feeling. You know who he is. Don't be afraid to just let things out and really get into it. He is going to respond how he respond. As long as you're being firm but considerate, say whatever it is you need to say.

There are plenty of couples going through something similar. There is plenty of stuff online that could help. Research and see if you can find something that you might be able to relate to and use.

Here's a couple to get you started: https://everaccountable.com/blog/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-porn/

https://samuelbrebner.blog/how-do-i-talk-to-my-partner-about-porn/

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, anxiety pink said:

I’m agree as you say I don’t have much control over HIS  behavior and I know i cannot force him to stop And cannot shame him into stopping also you cannot love him out of this addiction.

i never try to stop him I think, I want to find a way to communicate with he to let he feel comfortable and free to say anything with me about why, what makes, how 

And I also prepare for accept or say goodbye after listen what he say. 
now my issue more like the curiosity is eating me

cuz I can’t find the way to let he feel free talk to me everything yet.
i also agree “but I love him” it will makes me more painful and hurt, but the truth is we always make wrong choice or can’t give up someone when we love them

thats why I’m never blame him about the things he do, what I more matter is “why hidden from me” “why don’t tell me” 

I don't know what to tell you.

Then again, I haven't had the unfortunate experience of a boyfriend being addicted to porn OR drugs so I wish I had more relevant advice to give you

I know that you are in a difficult and painful situation, and I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. It's important to remember that this is not your fault and that you cannot control or fix his addiction.

The best thing you can do (if you choose to stay) is to communicate openly and honestly with him and let him know how his actions make you feel.

That doesn't guarantee a change in his behavior, but it may help you both to better understand the situation.

[anxiety pink]

On 7/27/2024 at 2:18 AM, ShySoul said:

Can't give you personal experience with this. All I can say is be honest and speak from the heart. You know what you are feeling. You know who he is. Don't be afraid to just let things out and really get into it. He is going to respond how he respond. As long as you're being firm but considerate, say whatever it is you need to say.

There are plenty of couples going through something similar. There is plenty of stuff online that could help. Research and see if you can find something that you might be able to relate to and use.

Here's a couple to get you started: https://everaccountable.com/blog/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-porn/

https://samuelbrebner.blog/how-do-i-talk-to-my-partner-about-porn/

I Really appreciate your sharing, I will read it to learn more and make myself feel better stop over thinking til kill my mind. 
i also agree and know something like this need open talk and honest tell he what I’m be through, but sometimes it’s just so hard to begin and share. Cuz I still afraid I think.   

[anxiety pink]

On 7/27/2024 at 2:22 AM, yogacat said:

I don't know what to tell you.

Then again, I haven't had the unfortunate experience of a boyfriend being addicted to porn OR drugs so I wish I had more relevant advice to give you

I know that you are in a difficult and painful situation, and I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. It's important to remember that this is not your fault and that you cannot control or fix his addiction.

The best thing you can do (if you choose to stay) is to communicate openly and honestly with him and let him know how his actions make you feel.

That doesn't guarantee a change in his behavior, but it may help you both to better understand the situation.

I’m still really appreciate what you are sharing with me. It’s really grateful that someone tell me it’s not my fault. Because I’m too easy to get deep down with this feeling and start to blame myself 

i hope after I research more I can set down my mind and talk openly&honestly with he,for me maybe I’m scared of something, or I will worry if the things won’t go as well 

[Openreach]

Is he watching porn or is he filming you tho?

[anxiety pink]

On 8/2/2024 at 3:09 PM, Openreach said:

Is he watching porn or is he filming you tho?

Watch porn